tv KPIX 5 News at 11pm CBS April 4, 2013 11:00pm-11:35pm PDT
i'm in the coffee shop, and this beautiful girl i could never even talk to mistakes me for her boyfriend. that's a nice 4 seconds. i look just like him. i. me. this. this...is what her boyfriend looks like. how is that possible? maybe he has money. maybe he doesn't. maybe he and i are exactly the same except for one minor yet crucial detail. you never know. sometimes you do. maybe it's some-- some small thing i could change. like a mustache or... wearing a top hat or a monocle or a--or a cane. who's she dating mr. peanut? you could do a lot worse than mr. peanut, my friend. so, what do you want to see? how about sack lunch? how about the english patient? it's up for all those oscars. oh, come on, blaine, i mean look at the poster for sack lunch. it's a family in a brown paper bag. don't you want to know how they got in there?
no. ohh, sold out. oh, uh, 2 for the english patient. so, do you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack? hi. um, remember me? i'm the guy that looks like neil. hi. hi. ahem. is neil here? oh, no. he got held up at work. oh, that's too bad. i kind of wanted to meet him, seeing as how we look so similar. well, you know you don't look that much like him. oh. of course not. no. you're a little taller. you look like you're in better shape than neil. do you work out? listen i--i don't mean to seem forward, but is--is there any way that i could possibly have neil's phone number? what is everybody talking about? the english patient, it's so romantic?
god, that movie stunk! i kind of liked it. no, you didn't. elaine, elaine did you just see the english patient? didn't you love it? no. how could you not love that movie? how about... it sucked? jerry, this is the boca vista's new physical fitness room. they got medicine balls, you can bike ride, anything you want. stairmaster? what? nothing. see what i'm wearing? oh! did you get that out of my bag? no. your mother found it. son, this is the most wonderful and thoughtful thing you've ever done for me. you know i bought you a cadillac. twice. oh, here he is. this is the man i wanted you to see. izzy mandelbaum. he's 80 years old, but strong as an ox. watch this. see that? you couldn't do that. i could, and i choose not to.
hey, morty who's this? this is my son jerry from new york. he thinks he can lift more than izzy. hey, i didn't say that. hey, izzy, this kid says he can lift more than you can. well, your kid's pretty funny, morty. he should be a comedian. actually i am a comedian. that's not so funny. you think you're better than me, huh? hey, izzy used to work out with charles atlas in the fifties. 1850s? that's it. it's go time. let's see you lift that. mr. mandelbaum-- come on, come on! pump it! all right. oh, wrong attitude. you're not bringing that trash into my house. there. all right? step aside string bean. i'll show you. i'm going to take it up a notch. oh, my back! whoa!
somebody call an ambulance! there's already an ambulance here for mrs. glickman. there's room for one more. one for sack lunch. it's good, right? yeah. good. hey! what are you guys doing here? we just saw the english patient again. it's even better the second time. they make it longer? my umbrella. blaine. elaine. you said you were busy tonight. well, to tell you the truth, elaine, i don't know if i can be with someone who doesn't like the english patient. it's just a stupid movie. that's what i'm talking about. come on, blaine. let's go. enjoy sack lunch. i will! how could you do that to mr. mandelbaum? you should be ashamed of yourself! he egged me on! you should be more mature. he's 80! ok, tomorrow jerry and i will visit izzy and apologize. now, good night. you're not sleeping in that shirt.
it's too tight. this shirt will never leave my body. good night. all right. 7:30, i got the place to myself. [knock on door] jerry seinfeld please? oh, you must be kramer's guys. come on in. you got the cigars? what cigars? kramer said i was supposed to bring him back some cubans. we are the cubans. [telephone rings] yeah, hello. jerry's place. they're real cubans?! they're human beings from cuba?! i said cubans. what did you think i meant? cigars?! jerry, cuban cigars are illegal in this country. that's why i got these guys. you're making your own cigars now? yeah, yeah. i got investors all lined up. hold on a second. hi, dad. who are they? they're cuban cigar rollers. don't tell your mother. what is that bubbling sound? are you making your tomato sauce?
hot and spicy. you're not wearing a shirt, are you? yes, i am. what color is it? uh... damn. you know you could've... just given me neil's number. you--you didn't have to take me out to dinner. i wanted to give it to you personally. you know, i don't have to be up in the morning, and i know a great breakfast place right around the corner. does neil like to eat a big breakfast? why don't you come in? we'll talk about it. i really should get going. i--i want to be home in case neil calls. well. good night. i'll see you. waitress: rough night? oh, you wouldn't believe it. my boyfriend dumped me. my friends, who i don't even like, they won't talk to me, all because i don't like that stupid english patient movie. really? i thought it was pretty good.
oh, come on! good? what was good about it? those sex scenes i mean, please! give me something i can use! well, i liked it. you forgot about my piece of pie. hello? you know sex in a tub that doesn't work! this is quite a condo. the mandelbaums own the magic pan restaurants. the crepe place? yeah. this is all big crepe money. it's crepe money? what are you doing here? oh, mr. mandelbaum i just wanted to come by and tell you how sorry i was that you hurt yourself. what the hell is that? what? that shirt. you think that you are the number one dad? this was a gift from my son. oh, i see how it works now. he knocks me out of commission so you can strut around in your fancy number one shirt.
well, i'll show you who's number one! mr. mandelbaum please-- it's go time! [bones crack] ohh! my back! i can't move! call an ambulance! i think i saw one a couple of doors down. ♪ ♪ [ female announcer ] first kid ♪ ♪ oh hey, up here. [ female announcer ] second kid by their second kid every mom is an expert and more likely to choose luvs. ♪ ♪ after thousands of diaper changes, they know what works. luvs lock away wetness better than huggies for a fraction of the cost live, learn, & get luvs. this summer, imagine the perfect walt disney world vacation with the keys to more fun the keys to the room and all new experiences to make this
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so she wanted you to come up but you left because you thought some guy might be calling you? some guy. some guy? neil! i have got to find out how he could get a girl like danielle. george you've got danielle. forget about neil. you've outneiled him! so i'm neil. how did i do that? i don't know, but you better keep it up. i'll go meet danielle. there's a new neil in town. ha ha! [telephone rings] try to take a vacation i come back, the whole operation's a shambles.
hello. hey, jerry. number one here. did you go see izzy at the back specialist? i will. i just walked in the door. you have to go see him! ma. helen, will you stop bothering him? jerry, that shirt has gone right to his head. number one signing off! jerry. i just picked up the cubans at the bus station. what's going on? what? they're not real cubans. they're dominicans. so? so, jerry, if my investors don't get cubans the whole deal's off! what's the difference? jerry, once you've had real cubans, there's just nothing else like it. we're talking about people, right? yes! yes! the quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma. these guys don't have it! i thought they smelled pretty nice. jerry, your palate's unrefined. is not! is too! is too! is not! i'm not having this conversation. are too. am not. are too! am not! another productive meeting. by the way, i saw that english patient film last night.
it was extraordinary! oh, yes! it was so romantic. it ravished me. elaine what did you think? well, uh... actually i haven't seen it, so i couldn't tell you whether i liked it or whether it really sucked. you haven't seen it? no. that's it. drop everything, we're going right now. again, mr. mandelbaum, this back specialist is supposed to be the best. if there's anything else i can do, please don't hesitate to try and find my number. uh, wait. how about that, huh? the world's... greatest dad. my son made it for me. that's very nice. the best in the world, which means i'm better than just "number one." well, i don't know how official any of these rankings really are. hi, son.
hi, daddy. this is your son? i got married in high school. and who are you? this is seinfeld's kid. oh, you think you're tough picking on an old man? maybe you'd like to try taking on somebody your own age. you got any kids? oh, you think you're better than me? go ahead. pick out anything in the room here. i'll lift it up over my head. look, no one is lifting anything. the television. this one's for you, pop. it's go time! [bones crack] oh, my back! call an ambulance! we're already in a hospital. all right, partner let's get down to business. ok, well, i'll, uh i'll get the cubans. th-they're right out here. yeah. [mock spanish] here they are. the cubans. real cubans.
you wouldn't be trying to sell ol' earl haffler dominicans in a cuban wraparound would you? oh, come on. look at these boys. if they were any more cuban castro would've smoked them himself. we're talking about people, right? i think so. i thought he quit smoking cigars. well, yeah, yeah but they also rolled for his brother... dennis. dennis castro? uh...duane! get the hell out of my office. what?! you know, neil called me today. really? yeah, he's pretty upset that i broke up with him to go out with you. well, i guess i showed neil who's neil. he wanted to get together tomorrow night and have coffee. coffee? i can beat that. move in with me. what? beats the hell out of coffee.
and i thought i knew what love was. yeah. jerry: you asked her to move in with you? i got to stay one step ahead of neil. what if it's neil armstrong? then i'm going to mars. what if it's neil diamond? oh, shut up, jerry just shut up! all right, i got to go back to the hospital. to see the old guy? no. i got into a thing with the son and now he's laid up, too. how old is the son? i think he's the same age as the father. what is with this family? i don't know. it's like if one of them dies the other one wants to bench-press the casket. hey, jerry. tut-tut-tut tut-tut-tut. you cold? no, tut-tut. tut-tut. something wrong with your chin? tut-tut-tut chut-tut-tut! where? no, no, no do-don't look, don't...
over there... the dominicans. aren't they supposed to be rolling cigars? well, it didn't quite work out and now i've got nothing for them to do. so? so i taught them all about cuba and they really took to it. you know, marxism, the workers' revolution, the clothing. boy, they seem pretty angry about something. yeah. i'm a little worried. when there's no work and the people get restless, who do you think they come after? el presidente. i swear to you i didn't know the tv was bolted to the table. i bet you pulled that trick on my daddy in florida. he couldn't handle the weight. oh, so now you think you're better than me. you think you're better than him? look, let me just state for the record i think you're both better than me. ok. my boys! my dad! my grandpa! oh, come on!
what happened to him? he was trying to lift the tv. that tv? oh, no. it's go time. [bones crack] ohh! why didn't anybody tell me? it was bolted down! well, i still thought you could do it. me, too. all: mandelbaum, mandelbaum, mandelbaum! fellas, fellas look, i got to go. oh, yeah that's right, go. put us all in the hospital, and you ruined our business with all your... macho head games! i didn't ruin your business. yes, you did. there's nobody there now at the magic pan to roll the crepes. we got to close it up. don't you hire people to do that? each crepe has to be hand-rolled by a mandelbaum. that's what puts the magic in magic pan! so you just need some guys that could roll 'em?
yeah. i think i can help you out. i'll see you later. hey, i can't see the tv! here. you think you're better than us don't you? huh? elaine, i hope you're watching the clothes because i can't take my eyes off the passion! no, i--i can't do this anymore! i can't! it's too long. quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already! die! shh! shh! shh! elaine, you don't like the movie? i hate it! shh! shh! shh! oh, go to hell! well, why didn't you say so in the first place? you're fired. great. i'll wait for you outside.
he was gonna fire you? the only way i could talk him out of it was that i agreed to go and visit the tunisian desert. tunisia? that's where they filmed the movie. it's supposed to inspire me. well, that doesn't sound so bad. i have to live in a cave. oh. these dominicans really know their way around a crepe. look at that. it's like they're rolling a double corona. just a cigar made out of bisquick, huh, guillermo? i'm very happy with george. i'm sorry, neil, it's over. come on, let's just eat our crepes. oh! my face! ow! neil! why are the crepes spraying? the dominicans are rolling them too tight. that's why you got to get real cubans. man: aah! danielle. where's neil?
is this him? yeah. the blueberry crepe burned him pretty badly. whose cane is this? it's neil's. a cane. i knew it. so. we meet at last. i admire your skills, mr. peanut. well, danielle, uh we should get going. i--i got a key made for you. george, i can't move in with you. what? i'm taking neil to a clinic in england. n-no, no! you can't leave me. marry me! i'll burn myself! i'll burn my parents! i'm sorry, george. george. i win.
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p.a.: ladies and gentlemen in just one moment we'll be showing our feature presentation... no, no, no, no, no. the comedy hit sack lunch starring dabney coleman. all right! oh, this is shaping up! excuse me, please. oh, sure. oh. sorry. ladies and gentlemen because we have been exploited by your magic pan crepe restaurants, we are hijacking this plane to cuba! kindly stay in your seats. and shut that movie off!
that man is terrifying. everything he said was nice, but i am profoundly scared. keep smiling. he can still see us. (all murmuring) narrator: there was just something about him. we couldn't put our finger on it until... i figured it out! i know what's so creepy about the captain. okay. (all scream) yeah. i snapped this photo of him last time he dropped off zoey. observe. the bottom half of his face... is smiling. lily: oh. look, he seems happy. seems like a nice guy. (all murmur happily) but the top half of his face... (all gasp) ...wants to murder you! cheerful. (all screaming) wants to murder you. no. cheerful. (all scream) wants to murder you. now, hold on. let me ask him a question. captain, what do you think of ice cream? oh, he loves it! captain, what do you think of rainy days? (gasps) whoa he hates them. captain, quick question: how do you feel about the jonas brothers? ooh. ooh. ooh.
what-what is that? i don't get it. i don't get it. he hates that he loves them. (all murmur): ah! great. okay. hey, guys, zoey just told me about this great frank lloyd wright retrospective tonight. who's in? sorry, i'm, uh, i... i-i don't know washing my hair. running the water. holding the towel. and i'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited me to the big hair-washing party. all right, fine. guess it'll just be me and zoey. oh, wait. just the two of you? tread lightly, mosby. any time a single guy hangs out with a married woman there are rules that must be followed. rule number one... don't use the husband's condoms. that's just rude. rule number one: don't go anywhere that has candles. excuse me, captain how do you feel about ted and zoey having an intimate chat by candlelight? mm-hmm... (yelling)
it'll be the last dinner they ever have. rule number two: no sharing food. hmm. in fact, anything involving saliva is off-limits. toothbrushes thermometers, lipstick. well, if i can't share her lipstick there's really no point in even going. and the most important rule of all... lubricant is public property. (robin groans) please. no lying to the spouse about anything you do. why would anyone lie? look, zoey and i are just friends. if there was anything more than that, i wouldn't hang out with her. lily's right, ted. once you're married, it's very hard to be friends with a single person of the opposite sex. robin: yeah. unless you're old friends, which is why i can hang out with marshall whenever i want. right, marsh madness? no doubt, robo cop. you two never hang out alone. you just made up those nicknames right now. i guess it's true. you and i never really hang out alone. well, let's. let's have dinner together, just the two of us. oh! sweet. no candles. both: no candles. lily, i guess that leaves just you and me. want to hang? narrator: and then lily said something to barney
that insulted every fiber of his being. nah. (gasps) narrator: wait. no. it had to be more than just, "nah." oh, i think she said... you're a big... stupid octopus head! (gasps) narrator: no, that doesn't make sense. okay, hang on. what did she say? she said, um, uh... to be honest kids, i'm having a little trouble remembering exactly what their fight was about. hey, it was 20 years ago! i'll remember. anyway, the next night... well, lily you were right. something weird happened with zoey last night. (phone plays "anchors aweigh") oh, that's the captain. yes, i call my husband the captain, but that is the only concession i make to his seafaring ways. hang on. ahoy. i'm just out with friends. friends. plural. like-like there was more than one of me. ew! ew! she lied to her husband? uh-oh. pur-leez! you lie to your husband all the time.
"uh, uh, that shirt looks great on you." "i love your mom." "i never fantasize about barney when we're doing it." sound familiar, pinocchio? (scoffs) what's wrong with this shirt? ted: lily, ruling. do i have to stop hanging out with zoey? no, you just need to spend time with her and the captain together. if you're friends with the both of them, then there's not a problem. actually, i do have a standing invitation from the captain to go for a ride with them on his boat. great. so go make nice with captain creepy, and problem solved. narrator: the next night marshall and robin went to dinner, just the two of them. now historically they had three solid conversation topics: cold weather... december chill-- so great. totally. narrator: ...sports... did you catch the game last night? yeah. nail-biter.
narrator: ...and cold weather sports. you know what's fun? mm. is cold weather sports. they are fun. narrator: they blew through them all in the first 16 seconds. robin: man, this is awkward. marshall: she's giving me nothing! he's just staring at me! she's just staring at me! can i get you two some drinks? lots of drinks. oh, so many drinks. narrator: that same night, barney and lily were still fighting about, um... something. or was it that other thing? barney. save it, lily. i am still mad at you for... something, and for that other thing. look, i'm sorry i hurt your feelings. but let's be honest. you've been super sensitive lately. (crying): no, i haven't! god, how can you say that?! watch out! (yells) narrator: wait. they were on the street. watch out! oh! wow. thanks, lily.
you saved me. you saved us. look, i know you didn't mean whatever it was you said that made me so mad. i think i probably didn't. narrator: and just like that the fight was over. you know, kids friendship is funny sometimes. wait. i still can't resist getting one last shot in. (gasps) narrator: like i said, the fight was just getting started. hi, captain. the captain. captain. ahoy, ted! excellent to see you. ah, you, too. uh, where's zoey? well, i'm afraid she's feeling a little under the weather. looks like it's just you, me and six hours in frigid international waters. or we could stay on dry land hang out with some... witnesses.