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tv   KPIX 5 News at 11pm  CBS  April 8, 2013 11:00pm-11:35pm PDT

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tell that to my father. anyway, guess what. beth lookner called me. ooh, beth lookner. i'm still waiting out that marriage. what are you talking about? that marriage ended 6 months ago. she's already remarried. oh, i gotta get on that internet. i'm late on everything. anyway, so, beth and her new husband arnie have listed me as a reference for an adoption agency. they're trying to get a baby. hey. oh, elaine, all right. who looks better in this shirt, me or mickey? we're double-dating tonight. if we wear the same shirt we'll look like idiots. hmm. turn around. well, you're both so... striking. tell me about it. we just picked up 2 women at the gap. how did you decide which one of you would date which girl? so, i'm on third avenue, minding my
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own business, and yada yada yada i get a free massage and a facial. what a succinct story. i'm surprised you drive a cadillac. oh, it's not mine. it's my mother's. are you close with your parents? well, they gave birth to me, and... yada yada. yada what? yada yada yada. i like your shirt. oh, thank you. it's 100% cotton and some wool. well, you, uh... you two seem to have the same taste. well, i like it, too. oh. well, i have the same shirt. yeah, well i'm wearing it. well, i like your shirt, too. oh. well, so do i. oh. anything to drink? uh, some wine, perhaps? i like merlot. i love merlot. i'm crazy about merlot. i live for merlot.
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we're out of merlot. [loud clank] so, do you, uh... know beth and arnie pretty well? we go out to dinner a lot. usually chinese. well, sometimes thai. then we go to the movies. uh-huh. actually, i remember this one time. this is funny. um... we went to see the movie striptease. i don't know if you've s... no. it doesn't matter. anyway... i was whispering something to beth, and arnie leans over to me, and he goes "would you shut up?!" ha. i mean, he barely even knew me. where did he get off... but they're great people. oh. you're in here. what are you doing here? i knew you had an appointment. well, this is very awkward.
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i'll leave when the guy comes in. hey, i gotta tell you, i am loving this "yada yada" thing you know? i can gloss over my whole life story. hey, don't play with that. that's going in my mouth. what is this thing? whoo. all right, that's enough. just get going. get out of here. hey. ooh quick question. is it normal for your teeth to make noises like a hissing or a chirping? george. uh... all right. i'll make an appointment. all right, it is cavity time. ahh. ahh. here we go. which reminds me did you hear the one about the rabbi and the farmer's daughter, huh? [indistinct talking] those aren't matzo balls. tim, do you think you should be making jokes like that? why not? i'm jewish, remember? i know, but-- jerry, it's our sense of humor that's sustained us as a people for 3,000 years.
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5,000. 5,000. even better. ok. chrissy, give me a shtickle of fluoride. and then he asked the assistant for a shtickle of fluoride. why are you so concerned about this? i'll tell you why. because i believe whatley converted to judaism just for the jokes. [telephone rings] hello. woman: would you be interested in a subscription to the new york times? yes. i don't believe this. if you hadn't gotten in the backseat of the car we could have figured this whole thing out. well, why were you holding the door open for? not for you. who holds the door open for a man? well, i thought it was a nice gesture but i guess i was wrong! let's just put their names in a hat. i don't even know their names.
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look, why don't you just take the one that was on the left? i'm not sure she's my type. oh, everybody's your type. what the hell does that mean? you've been married 3 times. that's it! it's go time! all right, take it easy. hey! hey! come on, let him go. you wanna throw, let's throw! hey! hey! hold it a second. all right, look, i got an idea. why don't each of you show up early for your next date sit across from each other, and see who the girls sit next to? that's not bad. all right, so we let the girls decide. yeah. why should we knock ourselves out? yeah. i wanna wear that shirt next time. no. no one wears the shirt next time. that's right, 'cause they already saw it. we'll look like idiots. well, we, uh... we were engaged to be married. we bought the wedding invitations, and, uh... yada yada yada i'm still single.
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so what's she doing now? yada. so, speaking of exes my old boyfriend came over late last night, and yada yada yada. anyway i'm really tired today. beth, arnie... hi. what's up? well, our adoption application was denied. really? the adoption agent seems to feel that arnie has a violent temper. oh. so we're just asking our friends what they may have said to the adoption agent. uh, you know i just told them what kind people you are and yada yada yada. that is it. father curtis, why don't you come in? father curtis, good guy. oh, which reminds me did you hear the one about the pope and raquel welch in
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the lifeboat, hmm? ooh, i'll tell you later. whatley. what are they doing here? i told you we should have got here a half-hour early. all right, all right, ok but, what are we gonna do? all right, all right don't panic. let's just decide now. which one do you want? all right, i'll take julie. i knew you wanted her. that's who i wanted. all right, i'll take karen. no, no. you think i'm falling for that? i'll take karen. all right, which one is julie? how ya doin'? evening. stop. well, you ladies look lovely tonight. ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] from the way the bristles move to the way they clean,
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so, whatley says to me "hey, i can make catholic jokes. i used to be catholic." see, i don't think it is a catholic joke. i think it's more of a raquel welch joke. what was it? "no, i said, hand me the buoys." don't you see what whatley is after? total joke-telling immunity. he's already got the big 2 religions covered. if he ever gets polish citizenship there'll be no stopping him. so, what are you gonna do? i think this father curtis might be very interested to hear what whatley has the pope
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doing with raquel welch. hey, beth, arnie it's elaine. um, thought you guys might want to have lunch. give me a call. bye. they're not getting a baby so you're taking them to lunch? i thought it would be nice. poor beth. hey, arnie's just as upset. oh, screw him. listen to this. marcy comes up and she tells me that her ex-boyfriend was over late last night and, "yada yada yada. i'm really tired today." you don't think she'd yada yada sex? i've yada yada'd sex. really? yep. i met this lawyer we went out to dinner, i had the lobster bisque we went back to my place yada yada yada i never heard from him again. but you yada yada'd over the best part. no, i mentioned the bisque. well, i gotta do something!
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well, i gotta do something. george is already in there. mickey and i we can't work it out. you know, i'm thinking about asking that karen out by myself. i thought you were leaning toward julie. well, i was, but the one i thought was julie turned out to be karen. brr! wow. well, it was a hell of a yada yada. he's moving to seattle. he wanted to say good-bye i was just getting out of the shower, and yada yada yada. all right, enough, enough. from now on, no more yada yadas. just give me the full story. ok. tell me, uh... about the free facial. i was on third avenue, and i stopped by a large department store. oh, i stole a piaget watch. what's that? and then i was on such a high that i went upstairs to the salon on the fifth floor and got a massage and a facial and skipped out on the bill. ckk!
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shoplifting. well, what about you? you told me that you were engaged. what was the rest of that? um, excuse me, mother? sister. sister. right. do you know when father curtis has office hours? well, not until tomorrow. mmm. i really need to speak with him. you know that's a kneeler. oh. tell me your sins, my son. oh. well i should mention that i'm jewish.
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well, that's no sin. oh, good. anyway, i wanted to talk to you about dr. whatley. i have a suspicion that he's converted to judaism purely for the jokes. and this offends you as a jewish person? no, it offends me as a comedian. and it'll interest you to know that he's also telling catholic jokes. well... and they're old jokes. i mean, the pope and raquel welch in a lifeboat. i haven't heard that one. oh. oh, i'm sure you have. they're out in the ocean and yada yada yada and she says "those aren't buoys." father? one second.
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well, if it would make you feel better i could speak to dr. whatley. i have to go back and have a wisdom tooth removed. you know the difference between a dentist and a sadist don't you? um... newer magazines. now if you would excuse me. jerry, i gotta talk to you. [doorbell buzzes] hi. hey, kramer. got a minute? uh, actually my parents are over, but would you like to meet them? sure. mom, dad. oh, hi. hi. hey. elaine, i have to ask you about something. what exactly happened down there? w-w-well, i don't know. i mean, i talked to him, and, blah blah blah, he asked about you guys,
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and da-da-da-da-da more questions blah blah blah. all right. shut up. again, you are telling me to shut up? what? you yelled at me that time at the movies. that's why you're not getting the baby. oh, my god. what am i gonna tell beth? look i'll go down and talk to this adoption guy and i'll make sure that it all gets straightened out. all right. just don't screw it up this time! see? again, you're yelling. not a fan of the yelling. ohh. are you about done? oh, i'm just getting warmed up. because i'm just a sadist with newer magazines. huh? father curtis told me your little joke. well, what about all your jewish jokes? i'm jewish. you're not a dentist. you have no idea what my people have been through.
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the jews? no, the dentists. so i'll, um... ok. date with karen? no, julie. she's the one. what happened to karen? well, mickey and her have a lot more in common. you know her parents are little people. oh. small world. so little people can have non-little people children? oh, yeah and vice versa. mother nature's a mad scientist, jerry. so, you won't believe what happened with whatley today. it got back to him that i made this little dentist joke and he got all offended. those people can be so touchy. those people? listen to yourself. what? you think that dentists are so different from me and you? they came to this country just like everybody else in search of a dream! kramer he's just a dentist. yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
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i am not an anti-dentite. you're a rabid anti-dentite! oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "hey, denty!" next thing you know, you're saying they should have their own schools. they do have their own schools. aha! ok, brian, these people are gettin' a baby... period. now, we can do this the easy way, or... we can do this... the fun way. jerry, you always said that you'd be there for me. well, what's wrong? i'm thinking of leaving arnie. talk to me. he met with elaine and i asked him what happened, and he yada yada'd me. could they be having an affair? well, i wouldn't put anything past anybody.
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but we just got married. well, obviously, that was a mistake. you need to forget about arnie. the important thing is you're moving on. why would elaine do that to me? forget about elaine. let's just focus on us. come on. big hug. hey, jerry where's kramer? i've got exciting news. i'm kind of in the middle of something. karen and i are getting married. oh, congratulations. her marriage just fell apart. how many is that for you? 2. ha ha ha. you're a lightweight. come on, honey. hey, jerry. hey. what are you doing here with beth? beth and arnie broke up. so they don't want a baby? i think i'm gonna be sick.
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hi. hey. where's marcy? she went shopping for some shoes for the wedding and yada yada yada i'll see her in 6 to 8 months. hey, kramer, over here. i'd just as soon not sit next to you. kramer. [organ plays] oh, look. there's mickey and his parents. elaine: oh nice-looking family. jerry: very handsome. how ya doing? hey, kramer. oh, mickey. excuse me. i can't take this. hi, mr. abbott. that's dr. abbott d.d.s.
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tim whatley was one of my students and if this wasn't my son's wedding day i'd knock your teeth out you anti-dentite bastard. what was that all about? oh, i said something about dentists and it got blown all out of proportion. hey, what do you call a doctor who fails out of med school? what? a dentist. that's a good one. yeah. dentists. yeah who needs 'em? not to mention the blacks and the jews. captioning made possible by columbia tristar domestic television get fresh with chili's $20 dinner for two. try our new house-baked taco pizza topped with four cheeses seasoned ground beef and freshly made pico de gallo. chili's $20 dinner for two. more life happens here. i was cooking dinner for my family. boom. heart attack. the doctor recommends bayer aspirin to keep this from happening
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narrator: kids, when lily and marshall started trying to have a baby, they went a little crazy. we've been trying and trying and still nothing's happened. i'm just worried we can't have children. and how long have you been trying? six days. oy. but then, months went by and still nothing happened. something must be wrong. w-we're doing it a lot. and everywhere-- the kitchen, the bathroom, the living room, outside in your wait-- the kitchen. lily: seriously, doc why isn't this happening? look if you're really worried here is a number for a reproductive endocrinologist-- dr. stangel. he's the best in the city. marshall: dr. john stangel? i don't know, baby, do we really need a specialist? well, what's your plan, marshall just have unprotected sex day after
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day after day in every position imaginable until...? wait, it sounded worse in my head. guys, we've got a problem. this is the application for the regional doubles laser tag tournament in poughkeepsie. problem is, only one of you can be my partner. so it looks like we've got a bake-off. you may now present your arguments. i'm not playing laser tag. i'm absolutely not playing laser tag. damn it. and marshall's the winner. well, i'm gonna call dr. stangel. it can't hurt. narrator: so aunt lily went to see dr. john stangel, the man who knew more about human reproduction than anyone in new york city. so i understand you want to get pregnant.
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♪ ♪ dad, you're not getting my bites. ♪ ♪ [ telephone rings ] hello. oh hey, brian. brian? yeah she's here. i'll take it in my room!... that brian? no, telemarketer. oh. [ male announcer ] kfc bites. freshly hand-breaded big bites of 100% breast meat. now with our famous hot gravy. try a 6-biteombo for just $3.99. yeah, and it cuts in and out. ooh! how did you do it? oh, god, you found one of the cameras. i swear that's the only one. wait, which one did you find?
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what are you talking about? what are you talking about? my visit to a certain dr. stangel. we'll look at all the factors that contribute to fertility: dietary, environmental, genetic. but first, ms. aldrin, do you have any questions for me? just one, "dr. stangel." where'd you get the beard? well, m-my mother's armenian. lily, i've been with barney since 9:00 a.m. between the sexual harassment seminar all morning and the secretary beauty pageant all afternoon he hasn't left my sight. wait, so you weren't wearing a fake beard and examining girl parts all day? not today i wasn't. okay, that's it. i am going back to dr. stangel and getting thoroughly checked out. or-- or cost-saving alternative: you could get checked out by someone who looks just like him. i'm gonna go scrub up; i'll meet you in stall three. lily: i still kind of think it's barney. there's no way it's barney. hello, you must be mr. eriksen.
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i am dr. stangel. it's barney. wow. really, dude, bravo. you almost got a peek. but seriously, what second-rate community theater did you get...? would you...? i... so my wife and i are trying to get pregnant. all right, ms. aldrin, please just put your feet up in the stirrups. we can begin. uh-uh, no. can't do it. no, but, baby, i yanked on his beard. he checks out. i really don't have time for this. no, barney-- doctor, wait please, it's... can you just give us a couple minutes? i... (groans) lily how can i convince you that this is not barney? wow, it is like looking into a poorly dressed mirror. okay, you have to go. leave the model of the vagina.
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okay. convinced. great. all right you're a little low on the table. please scoot up. "suit up"-- not convinced. this whole thing stinks to high heaven. baby, you just saw barney. he could have pulled some crazy switch. remember when his swedish cousin came to visit? oh, yeah-- bjorney. yeah, i'm sorry, but unless i see barney at the same time, i-i'll never be sure that dr. stangel isn't him. how you doing, lily?! should i have a boner?! okay, we're all done. i'll call you in a few days with the results. thank you. hey, you don't mind if i take pictures, do you?! can we leave him in here for a while? i'm done for the day. you can leave him in here all night. aw, yeah. smile for the birdie, lil! (laughs) (à la jimmie walker): gyno-mite! narrator: now, while all this was going on your aunt robin was starting her new job at world wide news
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aka the big leagues. she was excited. this job was a new start a clean slate. (sighs) so, first day of work? (blows raspberry) everyone, say hello to your new research associate robin scherbatsky. hi, guys. welcome. oh, here comes our new hardfire host. robin, this is sandy rivers. sandy rivers?! narrator: sandy rivers-- robin's old cohost and my old nemesis. we should have sex. oh, i hate that guy. it gets worse. sandy, this is... robin. you two know each other? know each other? we've had sex. ted: you had sex with sandy rivers? no! ugh! and i can't believe it's my first day, and already i'm the girl who slept with the host of the show. already? were you planning on eventually sleeping with the host? well, now that i know it's sandy, i'm not. (groans) hey, babe.
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hi, honey. there's a couple messages on the machine. your dad called. he wants to know if you have any sixes. yeah, uh, we got a game of "go fish" going on the phone. p.s., pops, go fish. (chuckles) who's the second message from? dr. stangel's office. i'm extremely fertile. you're extremely fertile! oh, my god. i told you there was nothing to worry about. i got to call my dad and tell him the good news. announcer: ...puts the ball on the 44-yard-line.


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