>> come on! come on! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you very much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause )

welcome to the late show. thank you so much, everybody. jon batiste and stay human. how about that. welcome. thank you. >> stephen, steve! stephen! thank you so much. i think more people should get that when they walk into work. i'm your host, stephen colbert, and i am so happy to be joining you on this, my first fridays show ever. ( cheers and applause ) this is it. for the last 18 years, i've worked only the first four days of the week, and then i celebrated by going to "t.g.i. thursday's." where will i go now? so, i'm going to make this a casual friday. i'm wearing a slightly less

dressy tie and no underwear... ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. you're very kind. that-- that i know of. it's been a great week, and i have to say i've been touched by the outpouring of support from other late night shows. jimmy fallon sent over a photo booth so the staff could all have fun souvenirs of our first day. thank you, jimmy. of course, nobody could use it because we were all so busy, but the 200 photos of an empty stool tell a poignant story all their own. ( cheers and applause ) also jimmy kimmel, he did a lovely thing, jimmy kimmel bought the whole staff lunch. seth meyers sent us guac and chips. conan, john oliver, larry wilmore and the "daily show" all sent us desserts. then, later tonight, james corden is throwing us a cocktail party. any other shows thinking of sending us something, please make it a box of sweatpants. ( cheers and applause ) and all these--

and all these gifts from my colleagues make one thing clear-- that as much as i don't want it, the "late night wars" are on. ( laughter ) it's a ruthless, no-holds-barred battle royale over who can be the most gracious and giving host. well count me in. those other shows can expect some highly personal thank you notes. and trust me, they will contain some extremely sincere language. go thank yourself. ( cheers and applause ) >> now, please, sit down, thank you very much. on the show tonight, i'll unveil a new segment where i ask questions about the paranormal. for example, "is e.s.p. real? and if not, how did i know i was going to ask that?" ( laughter ) ( musical flourish) thank you. i'll also be sitting down with amy schumer, the superstar

comedian. ( cheers and applause ) the super star comedian behind "inside amy schumer" and the blockbuster movie "trainwreck." she's comedy's "it" girl. i'll ask her what "it" is. i think it's sex, but i'm afraid to ask. then, i'll be talking with stephen king, author of horror classics. ( cheers and applause ) i wasn't sure. i wasn't sure. it was stephen king, i wasn't sure if you were happy or just screaming in terror. authors of horror classics like "cujo," "misery" and "the shining," which is a interesting. my cbs contract just says "all work and no play" over and over again. and here's something kind of special--ip thed to get spall simon on the show. do you like paul simon. >> all talking at once )

everybody likes paul simon. couldn't get him. but-- i know, i know-- but popular paul simon tribute band troubled waters is here tonight. i hope we got the rights to his songs; otherwise they will literally be playing "the sound of silence." folks, longtime viewers of three shows know that that band right there is jon batiste and stay human. say hello. ( applause ) now, they're going to play the theme song. you all ready to hear the theme song? ( cheers and applause ) but before we do, yesterday hillary clinton said she'd love to debate donald trump, and bobby jindal said he'd love to see over the podium.

tonight, i welcome amy schumer. master of horror, stephen king. musical guest, troubled waters. featuring jon batiste and stay human. captioning sponsored by cbs and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert." thank you, ladies and gentlemen. yeah! yeah! ( cheers and applause ) one week! one week!

one week! one week! >> stephen: we got it in. all right, folks, as i was saying-- thank you so much, everybody. as i was saying, this is the the end of a very big week for us, and not just because it's the first week of us. it's also because of some of the great guests we've had this week. on tuesday, we had florida governor and presidential candidate jeb bush. jeb! jeop! >> jeb! >> jeb! >> jeb! >> jeeeb! >> yeaaa-aaah! ( laughter ) i hope he had a good time. i was very excited he was here. jeb! and last night, we had possible presidential candidate vice president joe biden. it was an absolute honor to spend time with him upon and i think one of the reasons everybody likes the vice

president is that when you see him, it really feels like you're seeing a genuine, authentic person who is giving an honest version of themselves. which is why a lot of people are worried about former future president hillary clinton. ( laughter ) at the beginning of the summer, everyone thought she was inevitable. but right now, in new hampshire, she's 11 points behind vermont senator bernie sanders ( cheers and applause ) proving that even people in new hampshire can't tell the difference between their state and vermont. so everybody's asking if she's so inevitable, what's the problem here? as one political strategist put it, "the same force and energy that is giving a lift to donald trump is dooming hillary clinton, and that is authenticity. experience does not matter to voters. what matters is you appear genuine." yes, ms. clinton is clearly qualified for the office, but to be elected, that isn't enough. you have to appear genuine. if only there was some way we

could get a glimpse into the private side of hillary clinton-- i don't know, read her emails or something. darn it! shoot! what are the odds! i personally just think she needs to show more humor and heart and rely less on what her aides are saying. which is why i was so excited to see this headline, "hillary clinton to show more human and heart," aides say. and they are off to a great start with the spontaneous run-in they had with the "times" reporter to spontaneously explain their plans for spontaneity. okay, so the plan is humor and heart, humor and heart. first of all, for the heart, her aides have to make sure she stops and smells the roses exactly between 9:30 and 9:32. sniff, sniff, madam secretary. and now we're late! damn it!

come on, come on! let's go, let's go! the donors are waiting. the donors are waiting! and, of course,-- ( laughter ) even my-- look at that. look at that! even my hair is frustrated! and, of course, the humor. what's the difference between donald trump's hair and bernie sanders' hair? i've been advised to make the punchline about donald trump's hair so as not to alienate left-leaning democrats." by the way, the difference between bern's hair and donald trump's hair is with bernie, the carpet matches the drapes. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and, and-- for legal reasons i'm going to say i don't understand that joke. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and secretary clinton's team is making some other spontaneous changes, too, like scrapping the phrase "everyday americans," which advisers said was confusing and did not resonate.

yes, it does not resonate, because you know who doesn't say "everyday americans"? everyday americans. ( laughter ) they know they have to be here every day. and i'm happy to say, hillary's team has already cranked the genuine nozzle open, because after months of refusing to apologize for her use of a private email server while she was secretary of state, this week she finally said, "i'm sorry." and for the record, the idea to say, "i'm sorry" didn't come after her aides met with some washington consultant. it came after they met with a new hampshire focus group. ( laughter ) way to show that trademark heart. and yes, they will be having it trademarked. stick around, we got amy schumer coming up in just a little while. as the season shifts,

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( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. you know, folks, after four shows, i think america has learned one thing about me-- i take my role as a network television personality very seriously. celebrities like me and leonardo dicaprio are always being asked to endorse products like luxury watches.

that's the best way to wear a watch, by the way. just like this. okay. that way, you know the exact-- this way you know the exact time you punched that guy in the face after he made fun of the way you were wearing your watch. and as a celebrity, people are always saying, "hey, stephen, wear this, drive that, put this in your mouth." ( laughter ) happens all the time. but as a man of integrity, i have standards about what i'll endorse, standards that i will not set aside for anything less than money. well, tonight, i am proud to endorse a product that i believe could change your whole life. jim? >> what a beautiful morning. >> it is now. >> thanks for getting up to make the coffee. >> stephen: i didn't. >> what? >> stephen: i made this coffee yesterday. ( laughter ). >> but it tastes like you made

it today. >> stephen: that's because i used yesterday's coffee. it tastes like you made it today. >> that's a time saver. >> stephen: yeah. >> hey, if we leave now, we could catch the ferry to grassy point, have a picnic like we used to. >> stephen: that sounds great. but i can't. i gotta make tomorrow's coffee. >> can't we worry about tomorrow's coffee tomorrow. >> stephen: nope, the only reason we have today's coffee is because i worried about it yesterday. >> so tomorrow, we'll drink the yesterday's coffee that you made today. >> stephen: yes, and i'll make the next day's yesterday's coffee tomorrow. >> then can we go on a picnic? >> stephen: we'll see. >> ted, i really -- >> what! damn it, jill! i lost count of my scoops. >> i'm sorry. >> stephen: i'm doing this for us. >> i know. >> stephen: someone has to think about the future. >> i understand. >> stephen: do you? ( laughter ). >> for the rest of our lives, we

will always be one pot of coffee ahead. >> stephen: until that day i make a pot of coffee that neither of us will ever drink. >> i'm going to lie down. ( laughter ) ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) ♪ yesterday's coffee tastes like you made it today ♪ ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with amy schumer.

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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the creator, writer, executive producer and

star of "inside amy schumer" on comedy central, and the writer and star of this summer's hit, "trainwreck." please welcome amy schumer. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> oh! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> it's like being in new orleans. thank you, i woke up like this. >> stephen: really? those are your pajamas? >> yeah, i'm so cozy. >> stephen: you sleep as a sexy gangster? >> that's right. that is correct. >> stephen: nice to see you. >> it's nice to see you. >> stephen: the last time i saw you physically was in february, i think, the last time i saw you. since then you blowed up, you got the "trainwreck" you got a peabody award for "inside amy schumer." you're on the cover of "gx

magazine." >> there she is. >> stephen: until you were supplanted by me. i was going to go for "star wars" theme. >> yeah, what happened? >> stephen: well, you stole it. you took it first. i was going to do java the hut because i got muffin top for days, baby. meanwhile, congratulations. >> thank you. they didn't ask you to wear a leather bra? >> stephen: "ask" is not the word i would do. the last time we saw each other was the glamorous woman of the year award. >> you are such a glamorous woman. >> stephen: i try to be. >> that night, you know what happened -- >happened-- i do. you told the story. >> i took katie couric's phone and i was, you know, very drunk -- >> you were happy. you were glamorous. >> i was glamorous, and i texted her husband that she wanted to have anal that night. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes. >> how do we know that she

didn't! and, you know, what, but you -- >> the science isn't in yet, amy. >> you were an accomplice. >> stephen: i enjoyed it. i enjoyed it enormously. it might have been one of the most enjoyable moments of my life when she left the table and you picked up her phone and did that. >> yes. ( laughter ) i expected better from me. i thought -- >> what could i have done? what could i have done? say, "katy, one second buffer leave amy schumer used your phone and texted your husband and said 'i want to have anal tonight'." >> yes. >> stephen: i wasn't actually there. >> you were gallivanting with bruce willis. >> stephen: another one of the glamorous women of the year. anyway-- >> anywho. >> stephen: you are fun to hang out. you hang out with lot of fun people, you're opening for madonna. you're hanging out-- now you're

like bffs with jlaw. >> i wanted to know what it would be like to be friends with the hottest possible version of myself. you know? i just sit across from her having coffee, "i could have been like that." ( laughter ). >> stephen: you also-- we have jake gyllenhaal coming on next week-- >> i heard, jake-jake! i don't know. i've met him once. i have no right. i have no right, no right. >> stephen: we will now call him that. >> jake-jake! >> stephen: you lived in his house, i understand. >> shut up! >> stephen: did he not know? >> no permission. yeah, i had never met him but he was representing out his two-bedroom apartment, and my sister and i needed to get a place together -- >> so you go, "jake gyllenhaal's place." that's how you live now? >> that's how i do. that's how i do. it wasn't that expensive. you know i'm not rich yet. >> stephen: come on! >> i have a walk-up.

look at this butt. look at this. that's a balk-up. that's a walk-up. walk up. it's, like, a very disappointing ass, and i regret doing that. ( laughter ). >> stephen: no, no, no, i was not-- >> i have no ass pride. >> stephen: it exceeded me expectations in every way. >> i went through all of jake's stuff. of course, i did. are you serious? >> stephen: like the medicine cabinet. >> everything! >> stephen: any chocolates for daddy? >> no, he's in good shape. the one thing he did leave because he gutted the place, he left a frozen cake in his freezer. it was very old-- >> stephen: the cake was old? >> it was an old, frozen cake, and i would get drunk and i would eat it, and i would talk as if he was there and i was at the party that the cake was served at. ( laughter ) a lot, and my sister -- >> what do you-- what do you mean? i'm having trouble imagining that? >> you don't have to imagine it. we have eye clip. it says, "happy birthday."

because it was your birthday. and you're dating jake gyllenhaal, but i am living here, and i am eating this. ( applause ) you are a princess. yes, i am. ( laughter ) ( applause ) yes, we can. i am. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that was beautiful. >> thank you. >> stephen: that was beautiful. >> thank you! i'm living a great life. >> stephen: you-- you really are glamorous. >> take that, hasselhoff. >> stephen: your high school experience, you said you were probably a handful. you were probably a monster in

high school. >> i was a teacher's worst nightmare. >> stephen: really? >> yes. >> stephen: are there any teachers out there-- i was, too. >> you were. i thought you were nice. >> stephen: i wasn't saying i wasn't nice. i never did any work, i just phoned it in. >> you're a role model. >> stephen: am i? >> yeah. >> stephen: you're a role model for women everywhere, and is more than half the planet. >> did you hear the saddest little applause? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it. those are-- >> women-- oh... ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's just too sad. >> wage gap. no paid pregnancy leave. like everyone just remembers when it's like to be a woman. >> stephen: are there any teach ears are there teachers in high school would you'd to say,

"i'm sorry" to? >> oh, sure. should i address them? >> stephen: i'll do one-- >> okay. >> stephen: you're the guest, you do one. >> oh, my god. thank you so much. okay, i'm sorry, mr. bresky, business law teacher, but i was not interested in learning about business law. ( laughter ) and that's why i often found excuses to leave, like, one, tell you that i had my period. and, two, telling you when a bee blew in the room i was allergic to them and i had to leave. ( laughter ) mr. bresky. ( applause ). >> stephen: please, accept your apology. >> i'm so sorry! sorry! >> stephen: okay, i'll do one. this is mr. huto, ben huto, who was my choir teacher. s and i was a bit of a troubled kid. i remember him when i was a junior in it high school, him saying, "i'd like to apologize when i was a junior in high school, you actually took me

aside and said, "why don't you ever study or try to cut out of every class you're in and you won't respond to any teachers who try to help you?" and i said, "your job is to teach me to sing and that is it." >> whoa! >> stephen: i walked out of his office. >> you're dark! >> stephen: i apologize. >> that is dark! >> stephen: i apologize. ->> -- apologize. that was terrible and i love you and thank you for trying to help me. >> do you love him? >> stephen: unfortunately, it didn't work. i ended up doing this for a living anyway. >> you loved mr. huto. >> stephen: i do love mr. huto. yeah. >> mr. bresky, we're fine. >> stephen: amy schumer, i love you so much. >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you for coming here. amy's hbo special premieres october 17. thank you. we'll be right back my li'l buddy?

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( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. you know, i'm a man of science, but i also believe there are some questions that science can't answer, like who built the pyramids? what happened at roswell? who is jim gilmore? legend has it he's running for president, but where's the evidence? that's why tonight i'm dedicating a new segment to unraveling the unsolved enigmas of our world. this is stephen colbert's

"unseen mysteries of the hidden secrets." ♪ ♪ welcome to "unseen mysteries of the hidden secrets," where i go to whatever lengths it takes to fill four minutes of airtime. tonight: cryptids. folks, there is mysterious beasts all over these united states. there's the jersey devil and the north dakota bundled woman. i've never seen one. but the creature i've spent my life pursuing-- and this is a true story-- comes from my home state of south carolina. i speak, of course, of the bishopville lizard man!

for decades, this three-fingered reptilian beast-man has been haunting lee county, south carolina, leaving a trail of terrified witnesses. and for decades, the only evidence we had was the original witness's detailed drawing. ( laughter ) now, i want to assure my viewers this is merely a drawing. he is not in the room with you right now. ( laughter ) after eye few sightings nearly a decade ago, the trail went cold. some attributed to climate change, otheres to a lack of alcohol. but now, the lizard man is back. >> lizard man is stirring up a new wave of buzz. after almost a decade, the iconic lizard man surfaces again. these photos and iphone video were sent in on two separate occasions over the weekend. >> take a look at this photograph from lee county, south carolina. do you see something?

that figure on the right is believed to be the mythical lizard man. a man snapped this picture when he says he saw lizard man crossing a highway. >> stephen: okay, there's your proof. for a decade, nobody spotted the lizard man. now we have evidence that no one can spot him. but if you're the kind of lizard man denialist who refuses to believe, even after seeing this photographic proof that there are trees in south carolina, prepare to have the lizard scales fall from your eyes because three months later-- and again, i am not making this up-- a woman coming out of church snapped in close-up of the lizard man. frankly, i don't know why he's been hiding. if i had those guns i'd be showing them off all over town. ahh! bang! and we know the photographer is not making this up because she told reporters, "my hand to god, i am not making this up." ( laughter )

oh, i believe you, madam, because we is have just received footage of the lizard man fighting a member of our military. cat-like reflexes! and these chilling images just add more weight to the original liddard man sighting in 1988 when a 17-year-old was confronted at 2 a.m. by what he described as "green, wet-like, about seven feet tall with green fingerfingers and glowing red e" as evidence, the teen showed scratches on the roof of his car and a damaged mirror. this has to be true. why would a 17-year-old coming home at 2:00 a.m. with a damaged car make up a story? come on. ( applause ) doesn't make sense. folks, the bravery of all these lizard man witnesses inspires me to come forward with my own tale

of a chilling encounter. it was christmas, 2009. after spending the holiday with my family, i was on my way to return my rental car to the charleston airport when suddenly my car was attacked by the lizard man. he scratched up the door and the hood, broke a tail light, spilled a milkshake on the passenger seat and forgot to refill the gas tank. ( laughter ) it was terrifying. i still have the sketch i showed the avis branch manager. i explained how the lizard man leapt from a bush, biting the compact sedan here, here, and on the front bumper where another lizard man driving an escalade had blocked me into my parking spot. ( laughter ) the manager was clearly scared. he insisted on calling the police. i said, "don't bother, i'll find more proof." i hopped into another rental car, only to have it immediately attacked by a third lizard man, who viciously bit my tires right next to the "do not back over" spikes. ( laughter )

so there you have it-- proof of the lizard man's existence. i just hope the authorities capture him soon, but not before thanksgiving. i need to rent another car. we'll be right back with master of horror stephen king. ( cheers and applause ) but to. from coastal highways to roller-coaster hills to the street that changed music forever. and the perfect route for a getaway. it's all one road waiting for you to take it. discover more in a camry. toyota. let's go places.

let's talk about some ways to promote these. let's just throw everything out on the table. let's just spitball, and there isn't a bad idea, all right? thursdays -- shrimp. uh-huh, yeah. you can have them -- every teller has a big bowl of shrimp. won't they be peeling it? it's like peel-and-eat shrimp?

what if we got a rock star? ugh, never get a rock star. how are we gonna get a rock star? -why not? -couldn't happen. you don't think so? sure. people like ham. people like ham?

( cheers and applause ). >> jon: hey! welcome back, everybody.

he is one of the most prolific and celebrated authors of our time. he's written more than 60 books, many of them bestsellers that have been adapted into hit movies, tv series and comic books. please welcome mr. stephen king! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) sir, thank you so much for being here. come on up. right over here. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> stephen: you should have heard this crowd-- did you hear them when i announced you were going to be here tonight? they screamed like they had been stabbed. >> they did, they did. it was great. >> stephen: but with pleasure. why do you think your ability to terrify people makes them love you? ( laughter ). >> you know, it's-- it's a tough question i'm not sure i really know the answer to it. but i do know on the last tour, what i heard the most was, "you scare the hell out of me.

can i have a hug?" ( laughter ) so, you know, i've become sort of america's teddy bear with little daggers or something. ( laughter ) i can't figure it out. i mean, it's kind of masochistic, but, hey, it pays the bills. you know what i'm saying? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's nice. yeah. >> and not only that. >> stephen: yeah? >> i got a little bling, from president obama yesterday. >> stephen: that's true. ( cheers and applause ) jimmy, let's show them. this is president obama. i think we have a picture of this-- this is president obama giving you the national medal of arts, just yesterday. ( cheers and applause ) can i see? can i see that? >> oh, sorry! >> stephen: that's nice. i don't have one of these. ( laughter ) that looks like them naked ladies on there. that's very nice. >> i wear this on the outside and i feel kind of like flava

fav, the guy from public enemy. >> stephen: i know where he's from. >> don't to touch it? >> stephen: you know you could sharpen the edge of that and it would make a nice murder weapon. >> you know, maybe you ought to write some books. that's not a bad idea. >> stephen: you are the author of 56 novels, six nonfiction books, nearly 200 short stories in horror, super natural defense, fantasy, you sold more than 250 million copies, adopted into miniseries, television shows. but when you started out, you couldn't get any respect. >> no, i couldn't get any respect at all. >> stephen: the critics wouldn't give you any respect at all. >> no. >> stephen: do they give you respect now? >> a lot of the ones-- you have to keep in mind when the published "carrie" the first book, i was 26 years old, so a lot of the critics who dissed me back in those days are dead. ( cheers and applause ) you know-- the thing is, i-- a

lot -- >> and-- and how did they die, stephen? >> slowly. very slowly. ( laughter ) no, and so a lot of the critics who are out there now-- and i've gotten a fair amount of respect, and i think they grew up reading my stuff. i got them young, you know. i'm like the horror version of the catholic church. ( laughter ) give them to me when they're young, and they're mine forever. ( applause ). >> stephen: you're talking about catechism, right? okay. do you-- do you still get scared yourself after writing pretty much every possible incarnation of ways to terrifies someone. does anything still scare you? >> well, yes. i don't think that i could do this if i didn't get scared occasionally. >> stephen: can you make anything scary? >> pretty much. >> stephen: could you write a scary short story about a man who is worried because he hasn't saved enough for retirement?

( laughter ) because i think that's what a lot of americans are afraid of right now. >> i think you could probably do that. you'd have to add a bogeyman figure. like, i'm thinking of maybe somebody with a lot of strange blondish hair. ( laughter ) is that, you know, a sort of stranger in the mix? >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> and the person with the retirement fund sees this bogeyman figure possibly taking everything away. do you think that will work? >> stephen: perhaps this bogeyman figure is someone who rises to great prominence for reasons that no one can particularly understand? ( laughter ). >> or with-- and it would be because this bogeyman figure has certain-- a certain satanic sponsor, let's say-- do you like it? yeah, i like it. >> stephen: i do like it. and perhaps he's not all human. perhaps his skin tone makes it seem like he's half man-half

pumpkin. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> i like that. >> stephen: i like that, too. >> i like that very much. >> stephen: i have one last question for you-- that is a stack of all of your books. that is six and a half feet tall. when are you done? ( laughter ) when it's tall enough to fall over and crush you? is there a goal, or is it just keep going till you're dead? hey-- >> or even after. >> stephen: if that's not too dark to say to stephen king. >> no i think that-- i'll keep on going as long as i'm having a good time. and as long as the people who read the books are having a good time. and when it stops being a good time for me or for them, i'll shut up but until then, baby, i'm hanging around. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you so much for hanging around with me tonight. >> thank you. >> stephen: watch for stephen king's new collection of short stories, coming november 3.

we'll be right back. hat! every time you shopped at target, or target.com you gave to schools you might not have even known it but you were doing something amazing. and that amazing thing turned into something unbelievable. you helped raise a billion dollars for students like me. so thanks a billion!

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tonight's musical guestiment to thank for being here. they played at my barbecue last summer and i think they sounded great. please welcome troubled waters, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) thanks so much for being here. >> it was great, and the barbecue was great, too. i wish the band could have eaten, but -- >> you gotta play, you gotta play. >> you gotta play. >> stephen: to explain what was happening i have always wanted to do the whistling solo to "me and julio down by the school yard." so i called paul simon or had somebody call his person. i don't know. i don't know him. and i said, "can i do that?" and he said, "i will not do that with you." have you ever met him? >> technically no.

>> stephen: he seems like a jerk. >> like a jerk. >> stephen: he seems like a huge jerk. just say, "paul simon is a jerk." >> you know, paul simon is a bit of a jerk." >> stephen: anyway, you guys are great. you got a little flier here of your work right there, troubled waters band. ( laughter ) these are some of the gigs you have been playing. old town bar and grill, billiards, private function open to public. your last gig was rosen bar mitzvah. >> that was canceled. >> stephen: yeah, that was canceled. ( laughter ) and evidently these dates are all from 2012. anyway, folks, i wish we had paul simon. but i want to thank you for being here to step in. >> thank you, mr. colbert. >> stephen: all right. phew! ♪ ♪

>> ♪ the mama pajama rolled out of bed ♪ and she ran to the police station ♪ when the papa found out he began to shout ♪ and he started the investigation ♪ it's against the law it was against the law ♪ what the mama saw it was against the law ♪ the mama looked down and spit on the ground ♪ every time my name gets mentioned ♪ the papa said, "oy, if i get that boy ♪ i'm gonna stick him in the house of detention." ♪ well, i'm on my way i don't know where i'm going ♪ i'm on my way ♪ i'm taking my time but i don't know where ♪ goodbye to rosie the queen of corona

♪ see you, me and julio down by the schoolyard ♪ see you, me and julio down by the schoolyard ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> in a couple of days, they ♪ >> in a couple of days, they come and take me away ♪ but the press let the story leak ♪ and when the radical priest come to get me released ♪ we was all on the cover of "newsweek" ♪ and i'm on my way i don't know where i'm going ♪ i'm on my way ♪ i'm taking my time

but i don't know where ♪ goodbye to rosie the queen of corona ♪ see you, me and julio down by the schoolyard ♪ see you, me and julio down by the schoolyard ♪ see you, me and julio down by the schoolyard. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ,,,,

it was just an ordinary night. until he showed up-with a hungry look in his eyes. and then, he made the shot.

and when jaws dropped ... he had something for that, too. the new spicy nacho chicken sandwich. with two tacos, halfsies, and a drink for 6 bucks. all in a munchie meal. >> stephen: that's it for the first week of the late show, this september 11, 2029. time in monday when my guests will be emily blunt, supreme court justice stephen breyer and the dead weather. and i want to thank troubled waters and the lead singer alan for being here. ( cheers and applause ) do you mind? can i call you al? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ). >> perfect. >> stephen: okay, great. >> perfect. >> stephen: and would you please-- >> we could get that rosen bar

mitzvah gig back after this. >> stephen: if they have another 13-year-old. would you be so kind as to take us out? >> absolutely. ♪ many is the time i've been mistaken. ♪ and many times confused yes, and i've often felt forsaken ♪ are you ready all to have some fun and join a galaxy tonight check your faces tonight or stud it's "the late late show"