tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 6, 2015 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
beautiful. thank you. welcome to can the the late show everybody. thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: hey, that's nice, thanks everybody. wow, that is such a-- you guys have beautiful voices-- ( cheers ) i would love to hear you folks singing like simon & garfunkel. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. and here's my guarantee-- if i don't deliver tonight's show in one hour or less, it's free! thank you for joining us in here, out there, all over the world. it's so important you are here tonight because i need your support. i just found out something that rocked me to my core. today, for the first time, mcdonald's began serving breakfast all day long. ( cheers and applause ) i scream when i'm upset, too!
( laughter ) i hope you're with a loved one right now. i learned this alone. it's the sort of news that changes a man. see, i do a late-night comedy show. the only reason i ever got up before 10:30 was to make it to the macdonald's breakfast deadline. i had to get there before 10:30 to get my meat and my cheese on a muffin because if i didn't make it in time, what then? meat and cheese on a slightly different type of bread? that's no way to start your day. but now, with an egg mcmuffin available at any time? it's chaos. tear up your history books, and live in a cave. nothing means anything anymore. we used to have rules! no, i'm sorry. i'm pissed. plus, face it, breakfast for dinner? we all know what that means. ( cheers and applause ) no, no, no, no, tonight be so selfish! we know what that means. it means mom is either very sad or very tired.
anytime i see pancakes at dusk, i think someone needs counseling, and i cannot handle those kinds of emotioning right now. but i'm going try to shake it off, because we have a great show tonight. ( cheers and applause ) i will be sitting down-- they don't even know. they don't even know. right there. that's a level of trust. you don't even know what i'm going to say and you're cheering. >> jon: that's something else. >> stephen: i'm about to say something good. i'll be sitting down with president bill clinton. ( cheers and applause ) everybody loves him! everybody loves him! people-- the amazing thing about this guy, people used to call him our first black president. soon they may get to call him our second blam first lady. you never know. then i'm talk with the star of "billy on the street," billy eichner.
billy-- he is one of the few people screaming on the street who offers you a dollar. plus, we'll have a performance by florence and the machine. ( cheers and applause ) wow. wow. sounds like someone got goosed with an ice pick out there. florence and the machine. their new album is "how big, how blue, how beautiful," which i'm hoping is a concept album about keek monster. ♪ ♪ oh. oh. say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) they're about to drop the hammer, but before they do, one last thing-- secretary of education arne duncan has announced he'll step down in december. so, kids, let that be a lesson: if you get tired of school work,
>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks, everybody. hey, folks, i went out and saw the number one movie in america this weekend, "the martian." it's the sci-fi thriller that takes place in the near future where -- here's the twist: nasa has a budget. i loved it. it might go down as the greatest film of all time about a stranded man eating his own poop potatoes. and i wasn't alone in loving it, folks. everybody saw this thing. it pulled in $100 million in its opening weekend. and $2 million of that was just from me buying popcorn and junior mints. and this movie's block is only gonna get more busted, because "the martian" is expected to do "particularly well when it launches in china.
the country's space program plays a key role in the film, a plot point that should help it attract crowds in the people's republic." oh, no, spoilers! don't tell me the plot point. i want to see it again. ( laughter ) but it makes sense that "the martian" would include a pro-chinese plot point because the chinese government only allows a small number of foreign movies into china each year, and after america, china is the number two biggest movie-going country in the world. and this movie is a natural match for china. because not only is the planet mars red. i believe it has more oxygen than beijing. ( laughter ) so it's only natural-- people are applauding for oxygen. so it's only natural for american moviemakers to try to please the cultural gatekeepers of the chinese government. they've been doing it for years. in the disaster movie "2012," humanity is saved because the chinese government had the foresight to build lifesaving arks. and in "gravity," sandra bullock survives by getting herself to the chinese space station.
look no further than the compass, which was invented during the han dynasty. it has aided in maritime navigation, divined auspicious locations for buildings in accordance with feng shui, and can be used to eat soup. can you eat soup with this western compass? not in sufficient quantities to satisfy the decadent americans! ( laughter ) and, folks, don't get me started on movable block type and gunpowered. so many great contributions, all despite the villanous interference of the dalai lama. one look at his cruel smile is enough to put you off your spicy and tingly lamb face salad. mmmm. mmmm. that is face. ( laughter )
( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) it's the meal that choose you back. ( laughter ) now let's target the key demographic. i'd like to talk directly to chinese millenials. 'sup, guys? ( laughter ) parents, am i right? they truly deserve our reverance. tweet me with hashtag-filial-piety-is-the- chief-of-allvirtues. and we'll be reading those tweets some day, if twitter is ever allowed in your country. and like the makers of the movie "the martian," i want to congratulate china on its world-leading space program. your scientists recently discovered a black hole so large it has challenged humanity's understanding of how they form. and yet, it would still be easier to escape than america's debt to china. ( laughter )
truly, we lack all restraint. speaking of which, more tingly lamb face. mmmm. mmmm. mmmm. >> i'll save you! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. oh! oh, thank you, chinese doctor! >> you're welcome, stephen. but i'm not just a doctor. i'm also an astronaut. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, it's certainly a good thing you were he were, dr. astronaut. i want to thank you, but i don't even know your name. >> wo de miíngziì shii weèilaái. >> stephen: give it up for the
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>> thank you. thank you. thank you. >> stephen: yes, sir? >> i'm glad to see you. >> stephen: nice to see you, too. >> and i'm glad you've got such good studio music. >> stephen: aren't they great? >> i met mr. batiste a couple of years ago and i met his family in new orleans. >> stephen: he did not tell me. >> hey! we didn't have time. >> look, i knew-- a the love things you haven't told me. >> stephen: no. i save it for air. ( laughter ) i knew that you were a devout catholic. >> stephen: i'm a catholic. i don't know how devout i am. but thank you. >> and i know you must love this pope, and i do, too, because i went to a jesuit university. ( applause ). >> stephen: sure. >> but i bet even he doesn't have his own stained glass windows. >> stephen: no, he has to wait until he dies to get that. >> he may put his picture in the dome of st. peter's now. >> stephen: yes, this is very
nice. ( cheers and applause ) did you-- did you get any time with him? did you get any time with him when he was in america? >> no. >> stephen: neither did i. >> you're just kind of scraping the bottom of the barrel with me tonight. >> stephen: i have to settle for the president of the united states. you're my first president to be here. ( cheers and applause ) on my show. thank you very much. , of course, now, now your big work is the clinton global initiative. you guys just had your big meeting. what are you initiating now? what's the next plan? >> it was a very interesting meeting. we had, you know, the president of ukraine was there upon the prime minister of italy. the prime minister of greece. we talked a lot about the refugee problems in syria and spilling over into jordan and lebanon. and we had some really interesting commitments. nestle is doing something i really like. they're helping 7500 farmers in
africa to produce a vitamin-enriched product. and i do a lot of work now with my foundation, separate from the global initiative, on helping meas little farmers. and it's kind of what happened to my family in the depression. you know, you get a better seed, fertilizer, and get their food-- their crop to market for free. and we've increased their incomes three, four, five times. people living on an acre of land, and so we're doing that. but there were a lot of good commitments. we started off actually with the united nations just promulgated these new sustainable goals, you know, development goals. and they asked us to be their first partner through something called the clinton's enterprise partnership to try to take 100 million people out of poverty over the next 10 years by distributing what we distribute now-- consumer goods to remote poor people, places people living in, very poor places. and to add clean-cook stoves,
clean water, and sanitation. and nobody knows if we can do it, but we're about to find out. ( cheers and applause ) we won't know until we do it. >> stephen: one of the things that-- correct me if i'm wrong-- one of the things the clinton foundation is able to do is they create partnerships with both governments and corporation around the world to try to solve problems. >problems. >> yeah. >> stephen: the democrats often get criticized by saying, "oh, the government should take care of things." now that you have left office and are working with the clinton foundation, do you think a private-public partnership is more effective than large government programs? >> well, it can be. but you really need a strong effective government to do its part. for example, we need more public health clinics in america to take care of people who live a long way from affordable health care. but if the health care bill hadn't passed with the medicare expansion and subsidies for
working class people to buy insurance over the exchange, then there would have been no funding stream for these clinics. so the best thing that works is when you've got everybody working together. once in a while we do something with no government at all. last year we started off the c.g.i., sp 100 tons of relief to the ebola countries, sending them their medical supplies. and we woipped up doing 500 tons with no government involvement, just 24 partners. ( applause ) it was the biggest-- but, but that was an emergency. if-- let's take rwanda. i want to do in these ebola countries, what we're trying to do in rwanda is build out their health care systems so they don't need anybody else anymore. you train people and they can run their own system. and we don't take any money from the american government but the american government started funding this when hillary was still in office, and they're
training people with 23 american partners, including 10 medical schools, six nursing schools, and all these other people and a bunch of hospitals. they're doing it all for 7% overhead. it's the least-expensive development project we've ever undertaken, which mean people in the audience, their tax dollars go further. >> stephen: you work with individuals and governments all over the world, also corporations. do you get a sense that people want to do the right thing because there's so little trust of our government now. there's so little sense that washington can get anything done. some people actually go there with the intention of getting nothing done because they believe the government is the rb problem. >> and get rewarded for it at election time. >> stephen: exactly, exactly. if the united states-- or if the entire world, let's say, were in danger. if the aliens had a craft right over the north pole and they're going to incinerate the planet. we have to send somebody up to say, "here's why you shouldn't wipe out humapt.
here's why we're worth having hope in." and we sent you up, what would you say to the alien aliens to y our existence? ( applause ) no pressure. no pressure, sir. >> it sounds like an encounter i've had many times over the last 30 years. ( laughter ) here's what i-- i would say what the great microbiologist wilson said in his book "the social conquest of earth." i'd say you don't want to get rid of us because of all the species that have ever live in spite of our bull headedness we are the great cooperators. we are living in a planet and increasingly a universe that is is interdependent and we have to do this stuff together. we're your best chance on earth. if you wipe us out, what you are you going to do if you get hit by an asteroid. that's what i'd say. ( applause ) >> stephen: if you can just
hang out for a second. we're going to do a commercial but i want to talk a little bit about the 2016 election. you might have some opinions on that. we'll be right back in a few minutes with president bill clinton. ( applause ) ♪ ♪ if you struggle you're certainly not alone. fortunately, many have found a different kind of medicine that lowers blood sugar. imagine what it would be like to love your numbers.
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( applause ) ( cheers ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're here with president bill clinton. now, mr. president, 2016 election is quickly coming upon us. who do you like for 2016? ( laughter ) and, please, try to be impartial here. who do you think is the most qualified to hold office in 2016? >> the lady i saw singing on "is the night live." >> stephen: she was very good, very good. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. that val woman was wonderful.
>> yeah. >> stephen: she was really wonderful. >> made meantime to take a drink with her. >> stephen: now the chances that the democrats will take the house and the senate are very remote in 2016. if we have a republican house and a republican senate, we still have a democrat, for instance let's say mrs. clinton, in the white house, won't we still have gridlock? is there anything to be said for one party holding all three branches of the government so at least something can get done? because i think one of the things that is most frustrating to the general public is washington just sits there and sinks. >> it depends on what it is that gets done. ( applause ) you know, look, when the second president bush came in office for the first six years, he had a republican congress and he was there, and they went back to trickle-down economics. we doubled the debt of the country. median income was lower than the
day i left office, even before the financial crash and you know the rest. so it depends on whether you think that was good or not. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) no, no. like, for example, in this next election, something nobody has really started talking about is i think the next president will make between one and three appointments to the supreme court. ( applause ) and it's a one-vote supreme court, "one way or the other. you've just got to decide how important that is to you. but i think that-- one of the reasons that we have gridlock is that the-- our party has-- the democrats-- we have too many people who only vote in presidential elections. they don't understand how important the nonpresidential years are. that's when all the shows voted on, a third of the senate, most of the state legislators, and most of the governors, and they restrict the congressional districts. so the republicans, i feel sort
of bad for them. john boehner campaigned for all these people that gave him so much grief, but they're in districts now that they have reapportioned so that they're far more in danger of being bumped off in a republican primary for being too moderate than they are losing a general election for being too far to the right. and we, our side, has to own some responsibility. we've got to vote every time they open the door, not just once every four years, and if we did that, yes, there would be some more democrats, but the main thing is the republicans would have a vested interest in having creative compromise. we've all got to shoulder our responsibility. you know, hillary wants to limit these committees, like you set up four years ago. yours was a joke. but the idea that we can have all these anonymous donors spend money on elections -- >> stephen: it was a joke with $1.4 million, sir. it was a very powerful joke, a very powerful joke. >> but we need to do something
about that. even if we try to amend the constitution. i mean, it's ridiculous that the freedom of speech is the same for a billionaire as it is for a minimum-wage worker. the great french writer victor hugo once said he lived in a country where the rich and poor were equally free to sleep under the bridge at night. and that's like saying the rich and poor are equally free to spend $1 billion on a secret election. that's not right. ( applause ). >> stephen: the president-- president obama in 2012 campaign called you secretary of explaining stuff. could you explain three things to me very quickly. i know "quick" is a tough word sometimes. the first one is why do you think bernie sanders is doing so well? >> because there are a the love people all over the world that are really hacked off that they think the system's rigged against them and the rich get all the gains. and in america, a lot of them
believe that the republicans have been rewarded for-- they reward the people that go the furthest to the right. so the democrats would be even more effective if they moved further to the left. >> stephen: why do you think trump is doing so well? >> because he's a master brander, and he's the most interesting character out there. ( laughter ) and because he says something that overrides the ideological differences. if you look at the first debate, a lot of those guys were competing for who could be the most political plea correct on the answers. trump said i supported democrats, i supported republican republicans. yeah, i was friends with bill clinton. who cares. i run things and i build thing and you need somebody who will go in there and fix it, and if they don't fix it i'll get them out of the way. he may have a short shelf life. he is a master brander and macho appeal of saying i'm just sick of nothing happening. i make things happen. vote for me. >> stephen: the third one is there's a rumor out there-- and
feel free to dispel this-- did you call donald trump and ask him to run for president of the united states? >> no. ( applause ) ( laughter ). >> stephen: no? because that would be pretty smart, man. >> yeah. yeah. i get credit for doing a lot of things i didn't do like that. ( laughter ). >> stephen: credit, credit. ( cheers and applause ) >> his daughter told my daughter that he had tried to call me and i didn't get the message. so i simply called him back. and i don't know whether he had ever intended to discuss this with me or not, and this has happened to you before, i bet. i think by the time i got him back he had forgotten why he called me in the first place. >> stephen: you never said, "iowa is beautiful this time of year," or anything like that? nothing like that? >> i had a very pleasant conversation with him and it wasn't about running for office. so i missed a chance. ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, mr. president, i hope you don't miss the chance to come back
>> stephen: oh, good. you're back from the bathroom. me, too. ladies and gentlemen, there are a lot of skills necessary for this job. i've got to be able to write comedy, interview celebrities, bench press my own weight. but perhaps the most important thing is spotting trends, pointing out things you haven't noticed yet and making sure everyone's aware of them. after all, i'm the guy who made it cool to say, "you bet yer olives." jon, has that one caught on? >> jon: you bet yer olives! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: see? kind of a trendsetter. and right now there's a trend that seemingly everyone is getting into-- becoming a republican presidential candidate. also, vaping. e-cigarettes. the smokeless dragon. e-cigarettes heat nicotine- infused liquid into inhalable steam. which gives a quick buzz and gets all the wrinkles out of your lungs. and vaping has caught fire, with
recent polls showing an estimated 10% of u.s. adults now vape. and just last year, global sales of vapor devices broke $6 billion. $6 bhl is more money than all the transformer movies combined. by the way, the long-term health risk of watching all the transformer movies has not been determined. best of all, vaping can make you feel young because e-cigarette makers are allowed to advertise to anyone on tv, which has led to ads like this one for juul vapor. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) yeah! yeah! something about inhaling poison steam just makes me want to dance in a way that doesn't require much lung strength.
( laughter ) and it's not just ads featuring hip young triangles that appeal to the youths. ( laughter ) so do vape flavors like cotton candy, gummy bear, and skittles. yes, skittle vape: huff the rainbow! ( laughter ) ( applause ) and best of all, folks, there is no reason to worry about vaping upon because "e-cigarettes are so new that their longterm effects are still unknown." see? effects uknown. could be cancer... could be laser vision! now, personally, i've never vaipped. alcohol has always been my preferred method for getting a headache and throwing up. but i think i'm starting to understand the appeal of these smokeless cigarettes. they'd be great while you're snorting a cup of coffee, or
right after you had sex with a humidifier. still, i promise you i will not be vaping on this show. i'm a trusted broadcaster and role model, and i refuse to manipulate young people just to please corporate interests. however, if you don't buy my sponsors' products, they will literally cancel me. please, i'm begging you. we'll be right back with billy eichner. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ we're the open water paddlers. the best part about kayaking together are times like this. here's to friends who reach for better. fewer carbs, fewer calories, superior taste. michelob ultra.
comes from doing the right thing. like the radical idea that health isn't an industry. it's a cause. so we do things differently. we combine care and coverage. and believe prevention is the most powerful of cures. so forgive us for not going with the flow. we just think the flow should go with us. which makes us rebels with one cause.
your health. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the host of "billy on the street." it takes a look. >> sir, rob lowe is pack. >> hello. >> rob lowe. >> who is he? >> rob lowe! >> i don't know him. >> you don't know rob lowe? >> he's a gay. >> for a dollar name three clinton. >> sorry. >> name three clinton. >> kennedy-- >> get out of here. pit yourself in demi lovawdo's shoes. >> i don't want to. >> oh, my god, is it on brand for anyone. we're going to play a game i like to call cate blanchett or curious george. if you need help beg a stranger,
ask a circumscribed man or tweet to an elderly person. >> stephen: please welcome billy eichner. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: how are you? ( cheers and applause ) >> i-- i just met bill clinton. i'm all aflutter. >> stephen: i know. it really-- he's really a lovely guy to talk to. >> he's so smart and now you have me on. >> stephen: yeah. >> what an honor it is for him to be on with me tonight. ( laughter ) glo displ you're sitting in his seat right now. you can feel the greatness? >> i feel the charisma, i feel the intelligence. he was president of the united states, one of our most beloved presidents. i play a game on my show called humpy dumpy or mary j. blige. >> stephen: there you have it. we're going to get to your thoughts on global poverty in just a minute. >> i have so much to say. >> stephen: you actually tried
to reduce global poverty one person at a time because you hand out dollar bills on the streets of new york. >> i do, i do. i like to give to charity but i also mess up and instead of giving it to somebody who really needs it i give to, like, amy adams, things i care about, people i care about. >> stephen: you just run up to people. i love how uncomfortable you make people on the street. >> yes, it's a gift. ( laughter ). >> stephen: do you like that feeling, too? do you like the moment had they go, "oh, god. who is this man and do i have to talk to him?" >> it's strange. it took me a long time when i first started doing it to work up the nerve to talk to people and now i slip into the character. >> stephen: would you have to do something to yourself, slap yourself in the face and go, "i need this. i need this." >> no, i'm not you. >> stephen: but i would. for many years i had to go ask really uncomfortable questions of people. >> oh, that's right, that's right. >> stephen: yeah, in character, i would go out sort of like i was jon stewart's comedy ninja. >> i feel so bad for you that you were on "the daily show." >> stephen: i know, i know, i
paid my dues. the thing is it's not that easy to ask people questions they don't want to have asked. >> it's weird and they don't want to talk to me. people like it and i like the final product a lot. >> stephen: so do i. >> i did. >> stephen: are you ever afraid someone will throw a punch at you? >> an old lady once slapped me across the face it's true. >> stephen: did that make it to air? >> that was in my youtube days. >> stephen: that counts as air. >>om come on. >> stephen: it does. >> no, it does not. >> stephen: those were the halcyon golden days of "billy on the street," when "billy on the street" was "billy on the street" when you aren't in it for the money, baby. you were in it for the love of the game. >> we are living in the golden age of youtube, i think. >> stephen: you don't seem to care. celebrities. you make fun of celebrityaise lot. >> i fun of celebrities and i love them. i grew up obsessed with pop culture. >> stephen: you are a celebrity now. >> you can say that again, stephen colbert. >> stephen: you are, we're on a talk show, talking about you. >> i'm okay. i'm doing all right. >> stephen: would you make fun of yourself? >> i always make fun of myself.
yeah. >> stephen: how do you feel about that? ( laughter ). >> you kind of have to. you know, it's like the old joan rivers rule. you have to be self-deprecating. you have to make fun of yourself and then you can make fun of everyone. >> stephen: all right, all right. ( applause ). >> right? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: bill? >> is that weird. >> stephen: billy, you have ever made fun of me? >> no, but i have another show called "difficult people." >> stephen: i know that show. >> on hulu. a scripted show that amy poehler produces and a line i did not say or write on the show. julie clausener said, "stephen colbert is so smart, he has to at least be bi." a great line. ( cheers and applause ) maybe -- >> i cannot honestly say i deserve that compliment. but i-- i take it as such. >> maybe tonight's the night, stephen. >> stephen: you and both-- ( laughter )
you never know. life is full of surprises. >> it's true. >> stephen: you and i both went to northwestern university. >> we did. we are -- >> do you want to sing the fight song? >> the fight song. ♪ go you northwestern >> that wasn't it. >> stephen: i don't think so. >> that was just the theater department that i was in. >> stephen: i was theater department. you were theater department. >> i know. that's why bi. >> stephen: no, there's a hand full of straight actors in america. >> now that i live in l.a. i'm meeting more famous actors and i realize they say l.g.b.t., it's the l.g.b.t. community. that became l.g.b.t.q., for questioning. and i said they should change it to l.g.b.t.q.p. and the "p" is for probably. >> stephen: that's very inclusive. >> very incliews and i have very accurate. >> stephen: when does the new season start of "billy on the street"? >> "billy on the street" starts
album "how big, how blue, how beautiful," here's florence and the machine with "what kind of man." ♪ ♪ >> ♪ i was on a heavy tip ♪ try'na cross a canyon with a broken limb ♪ you were on the other side, like always ♪ wondering what to do with life ♪ i'd already had a sip ♪ so i'd reasoned i was drunk enough ♪ to deal with it
♪ sometimes, you're half in and then you're half out ♪ but you never close the door ♪ what kind of man loves like this? ♪ what kind of man? ♪ what kind of man loves like this? ♪ what kind of man? ♪ you're a holy fool, all colored blue ♪ red feet upon the floor ♪ you do such damage, how do you manage? ♪ trying to crawl in back for more ♪ and with one kiss ♪ you inspired a fire of devotion ♪ that lasts for 20 years
♪ what kind of man loves like this? ♪ what kind of man loves like this? ♪ what kind of man? ♪ what kind of man loves like this? ♪ what kind of man? ♪ but i can't beat you, 'cause i'm still with you ♪ "oh, mercy", i implore ♪ how do you do it? i think i'm through it ♪ then i'm back against the wall ♪ what kind of man loves like this? ♪ what kind of man? ♪ what kind of man loves like this? ♪ what kind of man?
don't let your neighbor enjoy all the savings. take the free home energy checkup. honey, we need a new refrigerator. visit pge.com/checkup and get started today. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be star of "jane the virgin," gina rodriguez, former federal reserve chairman, ben bernanke, and musical guest, tame impala. now stick around for james corden. goodnight! ♪ are you ready to have some fun and share the love tonight would you like to understand more things about general life it's "thte