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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  April 25, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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mo the late show is next. >> our next newscast tomorrow morning at 4:30. walk your dog! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (laughter)
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(theme song) >> tonight, stephen welcomes michelle williams! eddie huang! and a musical performance by bob mould! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey! how are ya! (cheers and applause) very nice! thank you very much. (audience chanting stephen) welcome!
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thank you, everybody! welcome to "the late show"! thanks, everybody. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. i'm feeling good after taking a bat to a potted plant. (laughter) here's why i was so mad. i talked to that potted plant every day. suddenly, i found out someone else has been vert advertising -- has been fertilizing it. (laughter) you guys see beyonce's "lemonade" this weekend? >> somyeah. >> stephen: some of you did. everyone's talking about it. it's beyonce's hour-long visual album about jay-z allegedly cheating on her. an epic response to betrayal. beyonce is so mad, i feel like i cheated on her. i have listened to other people's music. bey, please don't smash my audi. i'm sorry. the amazing thing about the album and this movie is that no one even knew this was coming.
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this was a complete surprise. how do you keep something this big a secret? beyonce should be running the c.i.a. we could rename it the beyon-c.i.a. (applause) >> i like that. >> stephen: and you know what? that's a good one. >> stephen: i tell you what, if she protects us good, i'll take her ass to red lobster. >> whoa! >> stephen: all very innocent, jon. (laughter) the only hint we had she was going to viciously attack jay-z was when she and her sister released that teaser trailer a couple years ago. (laughter) i just wonder how she broke it to jay-z that this was being released. "hey, honey, you know that thing i've been having trouble expressing in couples therapy?
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>> let's turn on hbo right now." (laughter) now, i have to say-- and not for the first time-- i totally get beyonce. i've dished out exactly this kind of epic, vindictive revenge myself. i dated a girl, not going to name any names, quite a few years back, probably about 25 years ago, and she broke up with me. she took out my heart, she curb stomped it. so i got back at her because we had a joint blockbuster account -- (laughter) >> huh-oh, huh-oh! >> stephen: i canceled her card. >> that's how you do that! >> stephen: that's cold. that's how you do that! (applause) >> stephen: you've got to stand up for yourself. next time she goes in to rent "the pelican brief," it's i'm sorry, ma'am, but you have been served. (laughter) but this album is about so much
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more than beyonce's marriage. it makes powerful statements about women being disrespected, especially black women. and i know you've been waiting for a white man to explain it to you. (laughter) the waiting is over. (applause) the waiting is over. >> whoa! whoa! >> stephen: because... this is "stephen colbert white-man-splains." ♪ (applause) now before i get started, let me dress up like a caricature of a white man. and i'm done. (laughter) now, if you're white, there's some stuff in "lemonade" you might not be familiar with. for example, beyonce refers to the woman jay-z slept with by calling her "becky with the good hair". now, you might think becky was the actual name of the woman. turns out, that is just a slang term for a kind of dumb valley girl type. and a lot of people are saying that "becky" is a reference to fashion designer rachel roy,
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who, a lot of people are getting confused with famous tv chef rachel ray. (laughter) honest mistake, given their names. and rachel ray's new cookbook is "30 minute meals to please a cheating jay-z." (laughter) by the way, the girl with the blockbuster card in my story, let's say her name was becky. then, beyonce takes out her anger at the betrayal using her baseball bat named hot sauce. which is itself a reference to an earlier beyonce lyric where she boasts about having hot sauce in her bag. for my fellow white men, this is like how we keep newman's own mild pineapple salsa in our fanny packs. (laughter)
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you leave it in the volvo and it goes bad, and you've got to get the volvo fumigated and everything. it's terrible. >> yeah. >> stephen: then finally, beyonce drives a monster truck over parked cars, that's like how white men wish we could drive a monster truck over parked cars. some things are just universal. well, i think that about white-man-splains it for beyonce's lemonade. if you have any further questions, ask the nearest white man. he'll be happy to 'splain it to you. (applause) you know what needs no explanation? jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody. (band playing) (applause)
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>> stephen: let's get started with huge breaking news out of the arena where football fans always go for action: the united states court of appeals for the second circuit. the deuce! because this afternoon, the court reinstated tom brady's suspension for deflategate. (cheers and applause) lot of jurisprudence fans in the audience tonight. (laughter) it's the most controversial legal ruling in football since that dancing robot got the right to gay marry. (laughter) very few people know this robot is gay, by the way. good for him, hope he's happy. this case goes back to the 2015
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playoff game, when tom brady was accused of slightly deflating footballs in order to make them easier to grip. it's the one story of shrinking balls in pro sports that is not about steroids. (laughter) (applause) i think we're applauding steroids right now. i'm not entirely sure. (laughter) the patriots won that game 45-7. if the balls were fully inflated, it would have been a 45-14 nailbiter. (laughter) it may seem crazy to punish brady for something that happened two years ago. but remember: tom brady is aging backwards. with this penalty reinstated, brady is going to miss the first four games of the season. it's a tragedy, because you thought april was the one month you wouldn't have to hear bill in accounting talk about fantasy football. it's a harsh sentence. for four weeks, tom brady will
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be denied the joy of 300 pound men trying kill him. instead, he's stuck with a month of vacation and nothing to console himself with but millions of dollars, his still-valid championship ring, and his supermodel wife. so the system works. (applause) speaking of deflated leather, donald trump. (cheers and applause) he's getting closer to landing the magic number of delagates needed to secure the g.o.p. nomination, 1,237. which, coincidentally is the year he gets his ideas from: "fight the moors! build an impenetrable wall! behold all my treasure and wives!" (applause) that's my trump. ahhh! but last night, his two remaining rivals for the nomination, ted cruz and john kasich, dropped a bombshell.
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>> republican rivals ted cruz and john kasich are teaming up to stop donald trump. the candidates announced last night they will work together to try to prevent trump from winning three upcoming primaries. >> stephen: ted cruz and john kasich are teaming up! the dream team. except it's one of those dreams where, no matter how fast you run, a trump presidency keeps getting closer and closer. now neither have any shot at winning, but they figure, if cruz just focuses on indiana and kasich sticks to oregon and new mexico, they could get enough delegates to keep trump from clinching the nomination on the first ballot. of course, trump's angry. supporters could get angry and take to the streets of cleveland. i believe we have some footage from the future. >> this convention will come to order. >> stephen: i would watch.
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i would watch that. (cheers and applause) by the way, i think that is the only black supporter trump has. but it could work. cruz and kasich are a potent combination: mixing the raw likeability of ted cruz with the name recognition of john kasich. but there's a problem. before they got together, and this is true -- they only got together this weekend -- before they did that, these candidates released attack ads against each other in the states where they're now cooperating. so, they've hastily made some last minute fixes. see if you can spot them. >> right before john kasich was governor, he collected $611,000 from a fortune 500 corporation. john kasich, not for us. >> just kidding! he's cool!
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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> lying ted. lied about ben carson. his tv ad about john kasich? lying. stations had to pull it off the air. if ted cruz's mouth is moving, he's lying. >> vote for ted cruz and his magic nose. he loves puppies! ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: so they managed to bear their differences. i don't think these two men joining forces can defeat trump because donald is the only candidate in the field who has experience fighting a tag team. (crowd yelling) >> the hostile takeover of donald trump! >> stephen: and at the next debate, donald is bringing a folding chair. (laughter) he already defeated ben carson with a sleeper hold.
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(laughter) (applause) >> stephen: you know, can we get back to beyonce for a second? specifically, the hot sauce thing. i for one, did not know that african americans carrying around hot sauce was a thing. dr. king never mentioned it in any of his speeches. jon, jon, you're an african-american. >> that's right. >> stephen: that's exactly right. you've got several african-americans there in the band. >> yes. >> stephen: is hot sauce really a thing for black people? i didn't know this. >> definitely. definitely. >> stephen: really? especially in new orleans. >> stephen: i understand that, yeah. >> that's where i'm from. >> stephen: i do know this. so people just carry it -- >> yeah, in a bag. the tabasco sauce, the louisiana brand, they love that. >> stephen: but that's something i should have known about black people? >> probably so. >> stephen: really? yeah. >> stephen: thank you for
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black-splaining that to me. (laughter) i first learned about it last week when hillary clinton dropped by the breakfast club at hip hop and r&b radio station power 105.1. >> what's something that you always carry with you? >> hot sauce. >> really? yeah, yeah. >> are you getting in formation right now? hot sauce. hot sauce in my bag swag. >> hot sauce. >> really? >> yes, yes. >> i want you to know, people are going to see this and say she's pandering to black people. >> okay? is it working? (laughter) >> stephen: no, seriously -- is it working? (laughter) just kidding! ha ha ha! no, actually, just kidding. is it working? kidding again. well, i can put to rest once and for all whether or not hillary was just making that up because i happen to have hillary
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clinton's purse here with me. don't worry about how i got it. let's just say i stole it. interpret that however you want. but you should interpret that i took it when she wasn't looking. let me take a look in here. okay. and i can report that hillary does carry around hot sauce. this is true. she does carry hot sauce. however, it's not to pander to african americans, it's to pander to beyonce. to pander to african americans, secretary clinton carries around a photo of her husband, which might also be why she carries a baseball bat. (laughter) (applause) but as a seasoned politician, her purse is packed with things to pander to every voting demographic. for instance, hispanic voters don't respond to hot sauce, but
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they will be happy thear she always carries a bowl of queso. and if you're 18- to 34-year-old white college graduate, you'll be happy to know hillary never leaves home without her bernie bumper sticker. (applause) religious jewish voters might like to know she always carries a passover matzah and horseradish sandwich. and for less religious jewish voters, she carries a b.l.t. so there's something for everyone. oh, and for all you voting moms out there, you know hillary really "gets" you, because her purse always contains a babyyyyy! ♪ (applause)
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we'll be right back with michelle williams. [engine revving] powerful. ♪ by design. [tires screeching] ♪ charged up. by design. ♪
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♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. you know my first guest from "brokeback mountain," "blue valentine," and "my week with marilyn." she is now starring on broadway in the play "blackbird." please welcome michelle williams. ♪ (cheers and applause) thank you for being here! right over here. (applause) ♪ welcome! >> thank you! >> stephen: do you see that beyonce video?
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did you see that "lemonade" video? do you feel empowered? my understanding is it empowers all women. do you feel empowered? >> as soon as it comes out on vhs -- >> stephen: you don't do the internet. >> stephen: really? you don't do all the high-tech things? >> i'm still enjoying all the single ladies. >> stephen: we all. i'm not ready to move on from that song. >> stephen: neitherrum am i, i have a ring on it now. (laughter) i understand you're not big into technology. where are you from originally? >> i grew up in montana. >> stephen: real montana? like cowboys and horses and that kind of stuff? >> yes, all that kind of stuff. >> stephen: did you grow up writing? >> i did. i had a memory -- or what i thought was a mempl memory or an imagination or a dream and i called my mom recently and said, is it true? i remember being maybe six or seven years old and galloping
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bareback on an open plane. i sid is it possible or did i make it up? she said, no, your grandfather was afraid of saddles because he'd seen too many people get dragged, so he made you ride bareback. >> stephen: do you get to do anything like that? >> no. >> stephen: where in montana was this? there are wild parts of montana. >> it's not wild anymore where i grew up. it's a lot of big box stores. >> stephen: still dangerous. in a way. >> stephen: a bear comes into a wal-mart, that's very dangerous. (laughter) now you're doing something very adadventurous. you're on stage with daniels in the play "black bird." this is a harrowing performance. about an hour and a half long. you never leave the stage. >> no. >> stephen: it's a harrowing
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subject. you play a young woman who at age 12 was sexually abused by jeff daniels character who was a much older man and you come to confront him. what is that like to do night after night? you're doing it right after this, aren't you? >> i am. >> stephen: how do you get yourself up for such a gut-wrenching performance like that? >> that's a good question. the thing that's exciting about it is it is different from night to night and we never really know what to expect, and i get to work with this wonderful man who is so generation. i don't know what he's going to do, he doesn't know what i'm going to do, we try to keep it alive with each other and to allow ourselves to grow with the play and not to stick with something we did two weeks ago because it's safe. we have seven weeks to go. we're not there to get comfortable and repeat ourselves night after night. we try to make it happen the
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first time, each time for eight weeks. >> stephen: we had him on a month ago and he said he's a puddle by the end of the night, and he gets to leave for, like, two minutes. >> yeah, he gets a two-minute break is that and you don't get anything at all? >> apparently he goes and has an altoyed. >> stephen: so he has a real pill problem. (laughter) did you do any more on broadway? >> i did cabaret (applause) >> stephen: is this the production that shyla buff showed up for? >> you heard about that? >> stephen: i did hear about that. you were on stage and he gets arrested. what does he do to get arrested at the performance. >> i have to tell you the truth about that night. i thought he was the best audience member we had. >> stephen: really? i didn't know it was him.
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he was wonderful. he was so excited. he was so effusive with his applaud and his shouting and cheering. >> stephen: do you want that all the time, though? >> i would love for him to come back to see this show. >> stephen: is he here tonight? (laughter) sorry about that. >> i didn't know he was at the show and when i got off the stage people said, do you know what's going on? i said, yeah, i'm nailing it. i am on fire tonight. (applause) >> stephen: they're, like, there is one person i am really connecting with out there. >> he would start cheering for me before i would open my mouth to sing. can you imagine the disappointment every night not having shyla in the audience? >> stephen: they say if you can connect with just one shyla boof, it is worth it. someone cheered in the middle of
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the show. >> he would be welcomed to cheer at the end. >> stephen: whoo! confront his abuse! >> any kind of reaction at the end is nice. it's appreciated. >> stephen: yeah, oh, sure. absolutely. makes you feel alive if someone in the audience likes what you do. if anyone wants to cheer for us now, go ahead. (cheers and applause) >> wow! they're an amazing audience! >> stephen: look how great you're doing! (cheers and applause) you got them in the palm of my hand. >> do you think they want to see a child abuse play? >> stephen: do you want to see a play about child abuse? (audience reacts) well, you're in luck because "blackbird" is at the velasco theater through june 11th. michelle williams, everybody! (cheers and applause) ♪
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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. people say hollywood ran out of ideas but i disagree. for instance, next month, a movie based on the app angry birds is being released. so there's that. (laughter) and there's plenty more where that came from. because sony just announced they're making an animated movie about emojis called "the emoji movie." i just hope it's as creative as that title. and sony recently held a press event where they revealed some key details: the whole thing takes place inside a phone. which is convenient, because that's where most people are looking in a movie theater these days. but you got me thinking --
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(applause) -- if you can make a movie about emojis, why not just turn all movies into emojis? (laughter) for instance, if you text a friend scared face, boat, fish, bigger boat, now they've just seen "jaws." (laughter) (applause) or, if you want to explain the entire plot of "the martian," just text rocket ship, poop, french fries, and it works on all kind of movies. in the horror genre, send. vhs tape and skull-- that's "the ring." or on the lighter side, text out smiley guy, smiley guy, dead guy, sunglasses, which i believe was the actual script for "weekend at bernie's." (laughter) (applause) perhaps you send
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and two girls holding hands, ghost, bath tub-- that's "the shining." (laughter) for "boogie nights," that's easy: eggplant. (laughter) baby, clock face, clock face, bald man-- that's "boyhood." (laughter) or, if you do it in reverse--"benjamin button, (applause) text three men and a baby, obviously, that's "mamma mia!" (laughter) >> send old guy, horse head, bed, "the god mather." of course, "godfather part three," poop emoji. we'll be right back with chef eddie huang. ♪ (cheers and applause) yo body aches? what knee pain? what sore elbow? what joint pain? advil liqui-gels are so fast,
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♪ (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my next guest is a restaurateur and author, fashion mogul and now fashion tv star. his new show is on viceland and it's called "huang's world." >> yo! cool. michael, open up. this is one of our favorite producers. his best vineyard. yo. ooh! >> that's what it's about, brother. >> funky like an old batch of collard greens! i don't know if that's the heat! he's got that backyard boogie! >> stephen: please welcome eddie huang! (cheers and applause) >> how's it going?
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>> stephen: well, how is it going with you? >> is this my water? >> stephen: it is. fantastic. >> stephen: check it out. you're the chef. let me know. >> definitely water. >> stephen: excellent. a great start of a lot of great recipes. >> yes. >> stephen: exactly. now, what are you? are you a restaurateur, a tv personality, a fashion mogul? you have so many different jobs, how do you self-identify? >> i try to identify as a human panda. so that's what i go by. >> stephen: a human panda. really? yeah. >> stephen: i believe you're being racist now. i will not engage in it. why human panda? >> i feel like i'm the only human panda. i read emerson in college. i'm not a cook or a writer, i'm a human panda. >> stephen: okay. i get the human part.
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i'm totally on board with the human part. where's the panda? >> you don't see panda? >> stephen: i don't, i... (applause) >> little bit. >> stephen: little bit of panda. you have been called -- you know, you're a chef. you've also been called a bad boy or a rebel. can food itself be rebellious? >> i think food absolutely can be rebellious and should be rebellious at times. when we open up bow house, my big inspiration was pork buns became a trendy thing. a popular restaurant in new york were serving pork buns. >> stephen: trendy restaurant serving pork buns. >> yes. and people were giving another chef the credit. i said this is a dish from taiwan people have been cooking for upwards of 50 years, and me and my brother opened a bow house so people knew this was
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from taiwan, so this is our food, culture and ide sny you were setting the record straight with the buns. >> yeah. >> stephen: called bows? this is the famous chairman bow house. this is named after robin givens. >> stephen: that's extraordinary. >> thank you! you like that. >> stephen: there's a year's supply of pork fat in my mouth, but that is totally worth it. i'll die by wednesday. >> my mom told me the pork fat keeps her joints lube ricated. good for your joints. >> stephen: pandas are vegetarians. >> we usually are. this is where the human part comes in. >> stephen: okay. (applause)
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now, you've got a couple of books. a lot of people know you from your first book which is "fresh off the boat" made into a series on abc. >> yes (applause) >> stephen: you have a new one called double-cup love, full of family, food and broken hearts in china. you went to china to cook chinese for chinese people? >> yes, i wanted to know about my family's migration from china to taiwan to america. i thought, can i go back and be chinese and go back to the motherland? i went on the streets of china and we cooked chinese food for chinese people. everyone wanted italian food. in china they know me as the human pizza hut. they say, you're american, you must be able to make spaghetti
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and meatballs. i say, yes, but i want to cook for you the chinese food i make in america and see if this is accurate. >> stephen: did it past muster? they loved it but they said we can definitely see where this comes from in our culture, the roots are in china, but undoubtedly, you don't have to keep thinking about whether you are chinese, you are chinese. wherever you are, jamaican, puerto rican or chinese and you're born in america you're part of it. you can't be disconnected. whatever you do, it is chinese or jamaican or puerto rican, but it's in your own voice. i think that was the most beautiful thing is i can't help but be it. (applause) >> stephen: now, the series is called "huang's world," and it's all over the world, right? >> yes. >> stephen: what are you hoping to do with this? it's not just about cooking. >> no, it's actually kind of a trojan horse show. people want to see food.
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they love food porn on tv, they love to laugh. if there's one thing i hope people understand is we're a lot more similar than different. for instance, we went to sicily, inspired by dennis hopper in true romance talking about the invasion and north african migration and we wanted to show is i sillians this is a complicated identity, sicilian identity. >> stephen: in the scene, dennis hopper is talking to christopher walkin' trying to enrage him about talking about the african-american identity so he would shoot him. >> yes. >> stephen: you didn't give the same line in sicily, did you? >> no, i wouldn't be here. (laughter) i did talk to a lot of people in sicily and said this is a famous scene in america cinema kids grow up watching and showing each other in high school and smoking weed and i said, this is
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what we know about -- >> stephen: and the last part? this is the 420 bow, the cheeto fried chicken bow. (applause) so i talked to these people and they were, like, yeah, we love that scene. i've seen that scene and it's cool because everyone in america always comes back and asks us about the godfather and say the scene is telling and we're about 90 miles from tunisia and it's not far, most of us in sicily don't deny that. we know our identity. >> stephen: but you got arrested. >> yes, because a few people did deny it and they belong to this -- i think it's accurate to call them a white supremacist group and they were very anti-immigration, very purity of race in sicily. >> stephen: how did they get you arrested? >> well, i brought out a plate of food that was ingredients and things they ordered and i said these sesame seeds and fried rice balls, this is north africa
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food that migrated from sicily that you guys migrated into your culture but you can't deny where this is from and the roots of your identity, and they really wanted to deny it. (laughter) so they tried to take the footage off us. we went in the van. they started banging on the van. they called plain clothed cops. we got thrown in a sicilian jail. people are similar everywhere. in china, everyone wanted to know how to make spaghetti and meatballs. i went to silly, in jail, the cop says, hey, how do you make a good hamburger because he said, we can't make a good hamburger for the life of us here, and we taught them how. >> stephen: they sprung you on that? >> the embassy got us out just in time. >> stephen: that's han the di. vice is dr. good about getting people out of jail. >> stephen: they have practice. >> yeah. >> stephen: sure do. this is any first interview with a human panda.
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thanks so much. >> thank you. >> stephen: "huang's world" premieres this thursday on viceland! eddie huang, everybody! we'll be right back! ♪ (cheers and applause) matter?
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you'd do that for me? really? yeah i'd like that. who are you talking to? uh, it's jake from state farm. sounds like a really good deal. jake from state farm, at three in the morning? who is this? it's jake from state farm. what are you wearing jake from state farm?
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uh, khakis. she sounds hideous. well, she's a guy so... another reason more people stay with state farm. get to a better state.
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,,,,,, whe gets a ready for you alert the second his room is ready. so you know what he gives? i'll give you everything i've got and then some. he gives a hundred and ten percent! i'm confident this 10% can boost your market share. feel me lois? i'm feeling you. boom! look at that pie chart. the ready for you alert, only at ♪ ♪ (band playing)
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>> stephen: here performing "the end of things," ladies and gentlemen, bob mould! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> ♪ it's your birthday but we never celebrate ♪ graduations or a gradual decay ♪ we got married in the hall where our favorite bands ♪ would play opportunity denied
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♪ now we watch it fade it's the end of things ♪ the end of everything it's the end of things ♪ the end of everything ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ we used to be so good together how did everything go down? ♪ we had window seats to heaven and a fancy room downtown ♪ on the mountain, slow erosion has begun ♪ i can't see you,
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i can't be with you ♪ it's the end of things the end of everything ♪ it's the end of things the end of everything ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ when the sun sets, i can keep you warm at night ♪ when the floods come hope our house is watertight ♪ will the earthquakes shake our cottage to the ground
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♪ hear the silence, there'll be no one left ♪ it's the end of things the end of everything ♪ it's the end of things the end of everything ♪ it's the end of things the end of everything ♪ it's the end of things the end of everything ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: bob mould's album, "patch the sky" is available now! we'll be right back! ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
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>> stephen: that's it for the late show. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be j.k. simmons, jane krakowski, and chris wallace. now stick around for james corden and his guest tom hiddleston. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs


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