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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  April 13, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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morning at 4:30 a.m. >> bright and early, they'll be there with all the news you need to start your day. >> good night. captioning sponsored by cbs >> sessions is under fire. it turns out he did have discussions with the russian ambassador sergey kislyak, even after telling the u.s. senate in his confirmation hearing-- >> fakey breaky news. time for my most tremendous tweet-storm yet. okay, here we go. huge tweet. this is going to be a sweet tweet. here it comes! ah, i can't get my tweet up! tweet-us interrupt-us, what am i going to do? >> donald! donald! ( laughter ) >> president nixon! i'm so happy you're here, tricky, i'm starting to get real scared. >> there's no reason to be scared, donny! you just have to flip the script. for instance, i heard that president obama tapped your
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phones. ( laughter ) just tweet that and the hounds are off your trail! >> obama! i knew he was up to no good. how low has president obama gone to tap my phones during the big sacred election process? this is nixon/watergate. bad (or sick) guy. and... boom goes the tweet- amite! >> donald, stop! >> abraham lincoln? >> don't listen to nixon! he was the one who tapped the phones in watergate. >> shut up, abe! don't you have tickets to the theater tonight you stupid neckbeard? >> too soon! donald, nixon had to resign for lying. >> oh, damn it! president lincoln is right. donald, you don't want to end up like me. to paraphrase myself, i am a crook! but the rumors about you and the russians are just spooky! >> just admit what happened, donald! >> fake ghost news!
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somebody help! >> dasvidanya! who will you be calling? >> vlad putin! ♪ ♪ it's the late show with stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) tonight stephen welcomes anderson cooper, judd apatow and musical guest jidenna, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! whoo! ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! >> jon: hey! >> stephen: hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause )
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( audience chanting stephen ) hey, thanks, everybody! thank you, mark! ( piano riff ) whoo! ( cheers and applause ) yeah! welcome to "the late show!" thanks so much, everybody! you're very kind. very kind. thank you very much! listen-- ( cheers and applause ) thank you, everybody. lovely. yeah! stay strong, be brave! look folks, i'm not going to lie to you, this is "the late show" and i'm stephen colbert. ( laughter ) um, you know, last week, i don't know if you were paying attention but donald trump seemed pretty steady. he gave the big boy speech in front of congress-- long pants and everything. ( laughter ) it was very impressive.
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i was afraid he'd sold the timeshare in crazytown. well... he's baaack! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) man, things are moving so fast. i think i need a dramamine. i watched the sunday shows yesterday and i alternated between weeping and vomiting, like someone made me chug day- quil and strapped me in a tilt- a-whirl. ( laughter ) here, get into this industrial dryer and we'll throw in a couple of fluorescent tubes with you. here, enjoy it! for those of you who missed it, saturday morning while trump was in florida, out of nowhere, trump tweeted: ( laughter ) and just like that, the white house had to reset their sign back to zero. ( laughter )
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( applause ) he just sets it like that. so sad. they'd gotten up to, like, five days. they'd gotten up to, like, five days. it was a new record. and this tweet, this accusation, this tweet was sent at 6:35 a.m. who wakes up that angry? ( laughter ) somebody give this guy a xanax or a bran muffin. ( laughter ) or a bran muffin just stuffed with xanax. like a bran-ax, or something. next, he tweeted: wait, you just said this was mccarthyism. now it's nixon/watergate? pick your historical analogy! "this is the pearl harbor of
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hindenburg great depression d- days! finale of lost. ( applause ) finale of lost. tweet." ( cheers and applause ) and he must have been really proud of this tweet because it's the first one he ever signed one. ( laughter ) couldn't have said it better myself, sir. ( laughter ) this is a serious allegation. this might be the most serious allegation any president has made against a previous president. and you know trump takes it seriously because his next tweet was: that's right, first he alleges a scandal worse than watergate, then he immediately goes after schwarzenegger. ( laughter ) it's like if deep throat told woodward and bernstein " you know nixon is a criminal.
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oh, and 'the $6 million man' isn't real, it's all done with slow motion. ( laughter ) those are his real legs! it's not a machine!" now, the obama people say they never wiretapped trump. here's former obama press secretary josh earnest. >> this may come as some surprise to the current occupant of the oval office, but the president of the united states does not have the authority to unilaterally order the wiretapping of an american citizen. >> stephen: oh really, josh? ( laughter ) i'll have you know a lot of things come as a surprise to donald trump. ( laughter ) the first amendment, object permanence-- ( laughter ) the fact that ben carson isn't the guy from "family matters." ( laughter ) i don't think he is. he's not, right? >> jon? what about stefan? stefan colbert!
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>> stephen: i don't know. need more no proof? here's former director of national intelligence and sentient testicle james clapper. ( laughter ) >> there was no such wiretap activity mounted against the president, the president-elect at the time, or as a candidate, or against his campaign. >> stephen: "if anything, we've been trying to think of ways we can hear trump less. the n.s.a. is working on trump- canceling earphones. we're almost there." ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, faced with these denials, trump has not produced a shred of evidence. so where did trump get his info? from the c.i.a.? from the f.b.i.? out of his a-s-s? ( laughter ) well, apparently-- ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) it's very fine. it's a fine year, would misseur like to keep the cork? ( laughter )
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apparently, this idea came from right wing radio host and unlicensed gynecologist, mark levin, who ranted about these wiretaps on his radio show. that show was then written up by breitbart as "mark levin to congress: investigate obama's 'silent coup' versus trump." oh, that's the worst kind of coup-- silent but deadly. ( laughter ) so, faced with zero evidence, the trump team did the only logical thing and called for an investigation. white house press secretary and man using a coupon on his first date, sean spicer-- ( laughter ) --took to twitter to demand that the intelligence committees in congress investigate trump's charges, adding: "neither the white house nor the president will comment further until such oversight is conducted." so now they're not going to comment on the bad thing they made up?
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"mr. johnson, you have herpes, or at least you might-- we haven't run any tests yet... no further comment." ( laughter ) and the craziest thing about trump calling for an investigation without any evidence of this thing that no one else has said, is that it actually worked. congress is going to investigate trump's wiretapping claim. so that's it. from now on, we have to take all of trump's allegations seriously. ( applause ) that is scary. that is spooky. >> jon: wow, hiding under the bed? >> stephen: yeah. >> jon: whoa. >> stephen: so why did trump do it? apparently, trump was none too pleased that thanks to more russia revelations, jeff sessions had to recuse himself on thursday. so trump's staff did whatever they could to calm him down. one white house official even said:
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look at the shiny travel ban! ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) do you want the travel ban? coochie coochie coo! does the big angry man want to split up some muslim families? i see a smile! i see a smile! ( laughter ) ( baby talk ) i hope he doesn't think i'm speaking arabic right now. ( laughter ) ( baby talk ) i'm not. but it turns out that nobody's better at pleasuring trump than himself. ( laughter ) because after his obama tweet- storm, trump was brighter sunday morning as he read several newspapers, pleased that his allegations against obama were the dominant story. well, we here at the "late show" want to do our part to keep the man with the nuclear codes calm and happy, so my news channel,
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real news network, filed this explosive report on the obama allegations. ♪ ♪ >> welcome to real news tonight. i'm jill newslady. >> and i'm jim anchorton. >> our top story tonight, incredibly true allegations about barack obama. president trump used his giant brain to figure out that the fake president obama illegally wire tapped the very famous trump tower, like how a sick pervert would. truly a loser move, jim. >> that's right, jill. in a scandal that everyone is calling watergate times a million, but worse, proof definitely exists that a terrible crime was committed by obama, a muslim who was born in space. ( laughter ) >> obama is bad. >> obama is very bad! and sick. and trump is good. >> extremely good. also, the very real wiretaps definitely didn't find anything incriminating if that was something you were worried about, which it wasn't because trump is so, so good. >> yeah, so very good. >> coming up next, arnold schwarzenegger has a very small penis. ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: that's real news! >> jon: that's real news. >> stephen: they couldn't say that. we've got a great show for you tonight. ( cheers and applause ) anderson cooper is here. and when we get back, i'll explain trump's russia problems on my patented chalkboard. stick around! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! give it up for jon batiste and "stay human"! ( cheers and applause )
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i can't do that. you have a nice weekend, jon? >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: how was your weekend? >> jon: great! >> stephen: was good? >> jon: just chillin'. >> stephen: beautiful. folks, you know, the president's weekend tweet-storm felt like whiplash because, again, four days before, trump gave a speech to congress many called "presidential" because, much like a president, he spoke in complete sentences and did not attack alec baldwin. ( laughter ) a lot of people thought that it was the start of a new era for trump. >> i feel like, tonight, donald trump became the president of the united states. >> stephen: yes, that night, donald trump became president. then, four days later, the president became donald trump again. ( laughter ) so it was a full moon or something. ( laughter ) so, why did he go from statesmanlike orator to captain twitter-bananas? ( laughter ) a lot of people say it was to distract from recent bad press.
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he does it all the time. he's like a magician, misdirecting your attention with slight of hand. and we all know trump has the slightest of hands. ( laughter ) but-- ( cheers and applause ) it's true! it's true! but the trick is, yes, it's a distraction, but what is the president trying to distract us from this time? to find out, once again we turn to the "late show" figure-it- out-a-tron. bring 'er out, boys! ( cheers and applause ) there you go! that's beautiful. ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much! oh, the people cannot get enough of the figure-it-out-a-tron. that is clear. ( laughter ) okay, let's go through the scenario. down here we have donald trump, the man creating the distraction. up here, we've got vladimir putin, the man he doesn't want to be connected to. here, we've got a list of things that have could possibly connect
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trump to vladmimir putin that have happened in the last year. so let's see how many of these connect trump to putin. okay? putin will be symbolized with a p. all right? first up, former campaign manager paul manafort, who had to step down when it came out he was paid $12 million by the pro- russian puppet government of ukraine-- or, as trump would call it, "negotiating a great, great deal for the people of ukrainia." ( laughter ) okay? that's a clear p. that's a clear p. okay? let's see, next up, we have the fact that michael flynn met with the russian ambassador. okay, that gets a p! jeff sessions met with the ambassador too, that gets a p! all right? plus, all of the major intelligence agencies agree that putin tried to influence the election for trump. f.b.i., c.i.a., n.s.a. - p, p, p! there's just so much p-- which, again, stands for putin! ( laughter ) and these putin p's are all
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raining down directly at trump. ( laughter ) everywhere! ( cheers and applause ) everywhere! and let's not forget the wikileaks, okay? and the administration leaks-- all these p's, coming off of putin right here. these p's are coming down, they're all coming down on trump. ( cheers and applause ) so much p, so many ps! he is drowning in p! ( laughter ) ( applause ) which, again, stands for "putin." ( laughter ) i mean, there is the answer, folks. just, just drink it in. ( laughter ) president trump had better watch out, or this could really leave a stain on his legacy. ( laughter ) ♪ ♪ we'll be right back with anderson cooper. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) folks, i'm excited, because my first guest tonight is an emmy award winning journalist and host of "anderson cooper 360." please welcome back to the show, anderson cooper! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ all right. so, anderson, hi, good to see you again. >> how are you doing? always nice to follow a rain of p. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah.
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well, we have to explain the stories any way we can. >> i know. you guys are doing real news. >> stephen: thank you very much. did you see real news tonight? >> yes, i did. >> stephen: don't try to steal them for cnn. you guys are the fake news, right? there's a lot of-- >> i believe we are the original fake news, according to the president. >> stephen: we'll get to that in just a moment and your fakeness. but how was your weekend? >> my weekend, you know, it was fine. it was weird, though. because, you know, the president started tweeting at 6:50- something, a.m. >> stephen: 6:35. >> right. ( laughter ) i actually had flown to phoenix, where i was doing an investigation for "60 minutes," and i have actually muted the president on twitter. don't tell him. >> stephen: what? >> you can do that? >> stephen: you can do that? >> yeah, you know when you get annoying people tweeting you, you don't want to delete because that tells them you've deleted them. so if you just mute them, they think you're still following them and you don't actually see their tweets. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: but anderson, then
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the tweets can get backed up and you get an infection. ( laughter ) okay, so, you muted him. >> i muted him. so i go to phoenix. i was spending all weekend working on this story. so i wasn't aware of all this agita that was going on. and i get back sunday and i finally turn on my phone again and i'm like, what the-- what?! what?! and then i was like-- and arnold schwarzenegger, too? ( laughter ) i mean... >> stephen: i just want to point out you are a real news man. i watch you every night. i enjoy your work. i believe you report the news in a very fair way and accurately, and you just said that you mute the president of the united states. ( cheers and applause ) what he says, which leads to my next question-- >> i mean, look, i have people following him so they tell me-- i just don't want to have that drama in my life. it's like-- >> stephen: again. that drama!
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you have to accept that he's president. you have to accept that he's president. >> no, of course, i do. i have great respect for the president. >> stephen: doesn't seem like it. >> i just don't need to follow him on twitter. >> stephen: you wouldn't have muted ike. >> listen, i have friends who have mania. i don't want to be around them all-- i don't want them to have my private line and be able to call me. you know what i mean? like, i don't want the ups and downs in my life. i just want to be calm. >> stephen: a private line where nobody can call me, i don't think i have that. >> no, that's true. no one actually does have it. >> stephen: okay, so how do you decide as a newsman, a correspondent for "60 minutes," as it were-- had to throw the "60 minutes" in there. you can't just say i was in phoenix. i was in phoenix for "60 minutes." >> yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: how do you judge on what to report on or not? because there are so many. there is more basis to the schwarzenegger tweet than there is basis to the obama tweet, why isn't the schwarzenegger bigger news? >> technically his ratings have
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not, i guess, been as big as donald trump's were. >> stephen: sad end to a great show. >> i know, sad. ( laughter ) um, you know, i don't think-- the reporting on the tweets, i do think it's a large distraction, i mean i think that's clearly part of what he's doing. >> stephen: is it pure distraction? >> no, i don't think it is. i also think it's like a rorschach-- you know those machines that register earthquakes from a great distance? >> stephen: a seismograph. >> it's like a seismograph, this is like a real-time seismograph of the inner workings of the president's head and it's fascinating. >> stephen: his emotions. it's an emotional seismograph. >> an emotional seismograph. he's like a live wire of emotion. we had to wait for decades to hear nixon on tapes. we hear donald trump in real time. ( laughter ) usually people try to keep the president sort of cloistered and not in front of the public at all times. he's broken through. >> stephen: obviously, whoever pries the phone out of his hands takes saturdays off. ( laughter )
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>> well, you know, it was funny, the "the washington post" wrote an article-- you actually quoted at the beginning of the show-- and the part that i found so funny today is it talks about how-- you quoted a part where it said that the president said afterward he felt better later on in the day. it actually talked about him needing a release. like he gets angry, it builds up, and then he needs a release, he feels better, then gets angry again, then needs another release-- i'm like, there are many other forms of release. you know what i mean? ( laughter ) >> stephen: he doesn't drink, smoke, doesn't do drugs. >> yeah, well, there are things you can do. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah. i wouldn't know. i wouldn't know, anderson. hands are too small. ( laughter ) hey, how does it feel-- let's get to the fake news thing. let's get to the fake news thing. how does it feel, because say what you will about cnn, over the years, it's not like you were raving ideologues over there. >> yeah. >> stephen: you were kind of like the manila envelope of news.
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it does the job, and-- >> we're fair and accurate. >> stephen: were you going to say balanced? were you about to say balanced? >> no, i wasn't. i believe that's trademarked. >> stephen: are you surprised you guys are the bad guys as opposed to msnbc? they must be so jealous of how much you get attacked! >> that's probably true. >> stephen: no publicity is bad publicity is what i'm saying. >> the thing, is donald trump watches cnn, which is why he talks about it so much because he actually watches it and even when he's railing against it, he's watching it. i've had him watch my show and tweet about people i'm interviewing while i'm interviewing them. oh, that guy is a jerk anderson cooper is interviewing, what a waste. things like that while you're interviewing them. it's, it's very strange. >> stephen: surprised he said that. i've never been on your show. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you know, what about-- does that change the way you report your show, knowing that the president is watching you guys at cnn, do you try to get a rise out of him? >> no, you do your job.
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the idea-- you want to be tough and-- i mean, look, i didn't have a great relationship with the obama white house. i used to interview president obama on the campaign trail, before he became president. a couple times as president. i did reporting on the b. p. oil spill. i spent two months in new orleans doing nothing but the p. oil spill every night, and the white house stopped talking to me for years. so, i didn't have great relationship, i didn't really have any relationship. i also don't want to have a relationship with these people. like, i interviewed kellyanne conway a couple of weeks ago. probably maybe my last interview with her ever, i don't know. ( cheers and applause ) i mean-- no, i'm not saying anything bad about her, i'm just saying i haven't interviewed her since. and it was supposed to be a 12 minute interview and ended up being like 26 minutes. at one point in the interview, she said something to me along the lines of, you know, we may have to re-think the relationship we have. i was, like, we don't have a relationship. ( laughter ) i mean, no offense. i respect you and stuff, but i don't want to have a relationship with you. i don't want to be friends.
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i don't want to hang out. i don't believe reporters should be going to parties at the white house. >> stephen: what about the correspondents dinner? >> i went once, i'll never go again. >> stephen: what year did you go? >> probably when i first got to cnn. it is the worst night-- you know. i mean, you were great. >> stephen: it's wonderful, it's a wonderful night. >> i watched you on television. >> stephen: full of people ready to laugh. >> right, exactly. that's the thing. for comedians, it's got to be awful. it's like the worst bar mitzvah party you have been to, and there is tough security, so you have to wait to get into the party. >> stephen: you called it a bar mitzvah, i was worried it was going to be my bris. ( laughter ) let's break some real news here. you tweeted this-- this is where were you and why wasn't i invited? >> i instagramed this on my vacation. >> stephen: where were you? >> i was in myanmar at an elephant sanctuary. >> stephen: yeah? >> i was washing-- it was my vladimir putin moment. i was washing an old elephant. >> stephen: exactly. putin's only on a horse. you're on an elephant.
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>> i wanted to one-up putin, you know? it was an elephant sanctuary. it was like these elephants who have been abused in the timber trade for their whole lives. you get to eat them and-- not eat them-- you get to feed them. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we just made some news. >> then you eat them. >> stephen: well, anderson, thank you so much for being here. "anderson cooper 360" airs week nights on cnn! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with judd apatow! stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ i have asthma... of many pieces in my life. so when my asthma symptoms kept coming back on my long-term control medicine. i talked to my doctor and found a missing piece in my asthma treatment with breo. once-daily breo prevents asthma symptoms. breo is for adults with asthma not well controlled on a long-term asthma control medicine, like an inhaled corticosteroid. breo won't replace a rescue inhaler for sudden breathing problems. breo is specifically designed to open up airways
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my next guest tonight wrote and
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directed "the 40-year-old virgin" and "knocked up." he's now executive producing pretty much everything on television, including netflix's "love." >> how often do you think that happens-- like, really happens? >> women marrying old men for money? >> yeah. >> every 15 seconds. >> no! >> mmm, you think that jerry hall married rupert murdoch because she loves him? >> yeah, i believe she loves him. >> he's living on borrowed time and she knows it. >> he's probably a cool guy, >> uh huh. >> he's like smart, charming, witty. >> okay, you're making a pro- rupert murdoch argument now. >> if rupert murdoch didn't exist, there wouldn't be "the simpsons." >> i'm willing to live with that. >> stephen: please welcome judd apatow! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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hello, judd apatow. >> it's good to be here. >> stephen: how are you? >> i don't know, how do you feel about the suit? >> stephen: oh, it's very nice. ( cheers and applause ) do you normally not suit it up? >> i can't tell what this says about me. who am i? >> stephen: well, the spread collar and the half windsor usually says english to me. >> yes. >> stephen: the spread collar says english. >> oh, because i said, "could you give me a jew knot?" ( laughter ) >> stephen: really? i'm not english! ( laughter ) >> stephen: did someone tie it for you. >> they did. but i guess it looks okay. it's a whole new knot for me. >> stephen: do you have a valet back stage? >> i don't, i have one of your people. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. you think i have a team to look like this? >> stephen: why wouldn't you have a team? you look fantastic. this is lovely material. look at that. >> i'm all about the fashion, you know me. >> stephen: you know who actually always looks lovely in a suit is anderson cooper. did you see him backstage? >> i did. he interviewed me for "60 minutes." and it hurt me.
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>> stephen: why did it hurt you? that's an honor to be interviewed on "60 minutes." >> it was. but i felt like it was my moment. and then we would go places, i thought, i'll interview you in your local diner, and the people would be honored to meet, anderson cooper! i was humiliated everywhere. let's go to your high school! anderson cooper! and i'm like-- >> stephen: he's very shiny. he's the silver surfer of news. ( laughter ) now, you have a long-standing love of late night. >> yes. >> stephen: this is the third time you have been here in about a month because i had your lovely wife leslie mann on. >> that's right. >> stephen: and we had pete holmes on. >> yes. >> stephen: from "crashing" on hbo which you also produce. he's fantastic. >> yes. >> stephen: and you're here both times and now you're here. do you just love being at the shows? >> i like lurking around here. ( laughter ) >> stephen: this is a nice place to lurk. not every show has a real backstage. they have a hallway but this is a theater, we actually have a backstage. >> it's friendly here. >> stephen: oh, that's nice.
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>> i was always a comedy nerd. you have that dream of hanging out backstage when you were a kid. >> stephen: oh, yeah. >> so i actually-- i do it. ( laughter ) i'm like, wait a second. i've made it enough to just hang out backstage at "the late show" and eat your muffins by melissa or whatever. you have so much unhealthy food there. >> stephen: i think it's cookies by carol, not muffins my melissa. >> if i said it right, i would have gotten free crap. damn it! ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, you-- i was watching the oscars a couple of weeks ago and the camera was constantly shooting to you and your lovely wife. >> and they're right up on your face. like when you see people in the oscars reacting they know they're on camera because there is someone right there so the whole show you have to be like-- you have to look like you care about everybody. >> sphen: sure, but you do, though. >> i don't. >> stephen: you don't care? >> it was very uncomfortable because i hadn't seen almost any of the movies and i was surrounded by everybody who was up for everything and i was,
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like, "you did great work this year." ( laughter ) >> stephen: did you get any of the candy? >> i did not get any of the candy, which i was furious about. >> stephen: now, let me ask you this. so you were there. >> yeah. >> stephen: what was it like to be in the room for moonlight- gate? what was the vibe? ( laughter ) >> yeah, i could tell you the vibe at the parking valet. because i left. i left. >> stephen: you left before best movie? >> i'm all about missing the traffic in every situation. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) you know? >> stephen: that's fair enough. >> let me tell you something, if "pop star" is not up for best picture i'm leaving for the parking valet. i'm getting out of there. i'm leaving early for the super bowl. i'll leave "hamilton" early. i don't care. ( laughter ) >> stephen: he dies. ( laughter ) i don't want to ruin anything for you. >> spoiler! >> stephen: okay, so you have two lovely daughters. >> i do, i do. >> stephen: did they come with you to the oscars? are you one of the cool dads who brings their kid to the fancy things? >> no.
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( laughter ) >> stephen: oh. have you done that, because i've taken my kids to the fancy things, and they like it. my ten-year-old went to the emmys. he said to me as we're on the red carpet, "you didn't tell me it was fun!" ( laughter ) >> he thought it was fun! >> stephen: he thought it was totally fun. i think ten is the top that you can be and still think it's fun. >> my kids don't like anything. they're not interested. >> stephen: they don't like anything with you or anything? >> they've seen-- like-- this is how spoiled my kids are. they met taylor swift three times. i'll take them to taylor swift concerts, try to pull a favor to get to meet her, and i hold it over their heads. if they ever give me a hard time, i'm like, "you be quiet! you met taylor swift three times! ( laughter ) if you give me any trouble, you cannot meet demi lovato at the meet and greet. and i will downgrade that to a meghan trainor right now!" ( laughter ) >> stephen: they are both lovely, talented women, who are welcome on the show at anytime.
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>> it's more about the funny sounding name. >> stephen: i know, i know. okay, so they don't care. it only lasts for a little while. the cool dad only lasts for a little while. >> when you're 14 you're daughter barely talks to you. >> stephen: yeah, i took my daughter to the grammys when she was 14. i was cool for 24 hours. >> yeah. my daughter who is 14, i drive her to school everyday, she doesn't talk to me the whole time, she looks out the window, and won't talk, and then puts the music on. i try to talk to her. i'm, like, "hey, what's going on in school today?" she's, like, "dad! you know it's my pet peeve when you try to talk to me when the music's on." ( laughter ) >> stephen: are they nicer to leslie than they are to you? >> well, they have a very special connection. >> stephen: what's that? >> being a female. ( laughter ) because i'm like the goofy guy. i live with three women, which is basically three ages of the same woman, right? ( laughter ) and so they talk about, you know, curling their hair and they have all these things in common, how to deal with their eyebrows and stuff. and then i try to get in on it but i can't because i'm a man
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and i'm, always like, "is it okay to pop a zit on a testicle?" ( laughter ) i'm trying to connect! i'm trying to connect. >> stephen: and you say they don't want you to talk to them! ( laughter ) well, while we've got you here, is there anything else you do? you do every project in the world. is there anything else you want to plug while you're here? >> i don't think i have any plugs. i don't think i have any plugs. >> stephen: well, you got "girls," you got "crashing," you got "love," you got a movie? >> "the big sick" with kumail naniani comes out this summer. >> stephen: you have a show. standup you're doing? >> doing standup in the ryman auditorium in nashville, april 21st. >> stephen: how come i know your career better than you do? >> i'm at largo march 21st. >> stephen: okay, that's enough. >> okay. >> stephen: judd, good to see you. >> thank you. >> stephen: judd apatow, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with a performance by jidenna! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ i have spent years taking over-the-counter products for my belly pain and constipation. i've had it up to here!
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>> stephen: here performing,
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"bambi" ladies and gentlemen jidenna! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ bambi bambi my dear, my dear, my dear ♪ my dear i want you here but don't get too near ♪ for there's lions beware oh bambi i won't lie ♪ if i weren't in this spider web of mine ♪ if grandfather never had seven wives ♪ then darling you would be the love of my life ♪ oh bambi it's my design to run the jungle ♪ i must be a lion or be a cheetah ♪ but neither is fine
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don't wanna hurt my dear ♪ love of my life bambi bambi ♪ my dear, my dear, my dear my dear i want you here ♪ but don't get too near for there's lions beware ♪ sometimes i hide when you facetime i text you ♪ back a lie cause i'm afraid ♪ to look back in your eyes i'm terrified you were ♪ love of my life the women among the tribe ♪ they will be jealous of this lullaby ♪ i'll drink alone in my hotel and cry ♪ 'cause now they know you are the love of my life ♪ bambi bambi
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my dear, my dear, my dear ♪ my dear i want you here but don't get too near ♪ for there's lions beware i wish that we were ♪ forever young i always knew that ♪ this day would come the fork in the road ♪ and i cannot run between loving many ♪ and loving one i got the wedding invitation ♪ bambi i'm happy that he ♪ wants to make a family but i cannot promise i won't ♪ run up in the church there screamin' your name ♪ bambi no one can take you from me ♪ bambi no one can take you from me ♪ bambi no one can take you from me ♪ bambi bambi bambi ♪ my dear i want you here but
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oh, baby, don't get too near ♪ there are lions beware bambi bambi ♪ my dear, my dear, my dear my dear i want you here ♪ but don't get too near for there's lions beware ♪ sometimes i hide when you facetime ♪ i text you back a lie cause i'm afraid ♪ to look back in your eyes i'm terrified you were ♪ love of my life bambi bambi ♪ my dear, my dear, my dear my dear i want you here ♪ but don't get too near
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for there's lions beware ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: his album, "the chief" is out now! jidenna, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ),,,,,,,,,
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for the "late show." james corden is next goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ ♪ ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from within yourself comes the one, the only, give it


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