tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS April 25, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
>> late show with stephen colbert is next. >> have a good night. captioning sponsored by cbs >> in response to whether he would fire sean spicer, president trump likened him to a daytime soap opera, noting proudly that his press secretary attracted nearly as many viewers. ( laughter ). >> is it april-- >> april, go ahead. >> i'm pregnant. >> i mean, that's the silliest thing i've ever heard. >> ay my god. i'm so sorry. i'm sorry i am putting you through this. i really didn't expect this. >> this was irresponsible and reckless. ( laughter ) at some point, april, you're gonna have to take "no" for an answer. thank you, april. cecilia. >> i'm pregnant. >> jessica. >> i'm pregnant.
>> i'm pregnant! >> alexis. >> you're a cold-hearted, backstabbing liar. ( laughter ) >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes john legend and kelly osbourne. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: wooo! wooo! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! >> jon: hey! >> stephen: good to see you. thanks, everybody. please, have a seat.
very kind. folks, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. you know, we don't talk about international stories a lo on this show, but you see the news. it's a dangerous world, and every day, tensions are rising between the united states and our sworn enemy, canada. cold mexico. the great white north korea. last night, president trump held a meeting with conservative media outlets-- it's his version of comic-con-- and he announced that "we're going to be putting a 20% tax on softwood lumber coming in-- tariff on softwood coming into the united states from canada." ( laughter ) now, as far far as i know, this is the first time anyone has rejected justin trudeau's wood.
( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: oh! >> stephen: such a nice guy. such a nice guy. that's the rumor. after the commerce department confirmed it yesterday, canada's minister of natural resources fired back, saying, "the government of canada disagrees strongly with the u.s. department of commerce's decision to impose an unfair and punitive duty." ( laughter ) disagree strongly! them's fightin' words. that's canadian for (bleep)! ( cheers and applause ) there it is. there it is. now, for those keeping score, trump is now a friend of putin and an enemy of poutine. ( laughter )
for years, the united states has claimed that canada unfairly subsidizes their lumber industry, but tensions have never higher. and like any crisis involving soft wood, the only way to resolve it is to get trump and trudeau into outdoor bathtubs. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) rub-a-dub. >> stephen: i've never-- those cialis commercials, i've never been able to figure out why they're in the bath tubs. are they in the bath tubs because what they've done just now is so dirty that they want to wash, or what they're about to do is so freaky, they want to be squeaky clean? ( laughter ) either way, don't do it. now, last night-- we still talking about the canada thing? last night, trump also told the conservative media, "we're going to start doing lumber in our country. it's going to mean that farmers are going to start selling milk in our country." ( laughter ) explains why trump was kicked out of boy scouts for trying to milk a sycamore.
( laughter ) but that's-- that's-- so that's donald trump on the international stage. rare, because since becoming president, donald trump has not left the country. he's barely left the country club. but today, trump sent ivanka to berlin to participate in a women's conference, making her the first trump to attend a women's conference that didn't include a swimsuit competition. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ♪ ♪ this morning, ivanka spoke on a panel titled, "inspiring women: scaling up women's entrepreneurship." and the trump family has a long history of inspiring women--
to march, to sue, to flee from a dressing room. and ivanka shared her story of becoming a successful entrepreneur. step one: be born rich. step two: just in case, marry rich. ( laughter ) but, unfortunately, when ivanka was talking about her father and how he was a champion of family leave, she was met with groans and hisses from the audience. well, that's not fair. trump obviously supports family leave. that's why he's always leaving one and starting another. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ it's so hard to say gone >> stephen: and things haven't
been going well for ivanka back stateside. because they've had trouble moving ivanka's line of clothing, so they secretly relabelled it as adrienne vittadini. that's how unpopular the name "trump" is. her clothing has been put in the witness protection program. that's not a bad idea. in fact, the whole trump administration could benefit from a similar rebranding. and i'm not the only one who thinks that. so does our new president, enrico vittadini. ( applause ) ima gonna make-a america great again. that's a spicy border wall. >> for the past week here or so, we at the show have been following the custody trial of right-wing radio host and hernia who wished he was a real boy, alex jones. in court, his ex-wife has claimed alex is unhinged, and she's backed it up with clips like this. >> i can smell you from a thousand miles away, and you smell like failure. you smell like hell. and i want to thank the god of the universe that i'm not with
these people! oh, i get tears in my eyes to god, but i'm thankful every day, i don't come from filth like you humanity! thank god i'm not a degenerate filthy vampire like you! >> stephen: adding, "happy valentine's day, honey." ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> jon: happy valentine's day. >> stephen: here's the deal. alex jones' lawyers have insisted that his on-mic persona is just a character, that, evidently, he's been playing since he was a teenager. >> when i was 16, i didn't want to party any more. i didn't want to play games any more. i grew up. i'd already been in the fights, all the big rituals. i'd already had probably-- i hate to brag, so i'm not bragging. it's actually shameful-- probably 150 women, or more. that's conservative. i'd had over 150 women.
i'd already been in fights with full-grown men. i was already dating college girls by the time i was 15-years old. i was already a man. >> stephen: yep, yep. fight and have sex. that's what men do. one thing we evidently do don't? take our mood stabilizers. unfortunately, unfortunately, alex jones' brand of fact-free truth telling has been making him some enemies, like the powerful cabal known as chobani yogurt, who is suing jones for claiming that their twin falls, idaho, yogurt plant has been spreading crime and tuberculosis. to be fair, "crime and tuberculosis" is one of chobani's least-favorite flavors. ( laughter ) still-- still-- still better than pomegranate. ( laughter )
now, this might shock you, but alex jones is furious, and he has a message for chobani. >> guess what? you just ran into a texan! so you get ready, 'cuz we're never backing down! and our audience isn't backing down. >> stephen: all right, take note, alex jones listeners. he just volunteered you for a fist fight a yogurt factory. now, i understand what alex jones is going through, because for years-- i'm is not telling you anything you don't know-- i've also been playing a right-wing radio host: my character, tuck buckford. and tuck he's dealt with a lot of the same stuff. >> don't do it. you can only trust one out of five dentists, okay, the one who hates gum is the only one who knows the truth, all right? but brain nation, old tuck's not back down. you know why? because i'm more than a man's man! i'm a man's man's man! okay. i'm man cubed.
i got tired of games by the time i was 13. all right. wooo! all right, when i was 13, i had already had kissing time with 22,000 ladies, all right. that's with tongue. and i made love to a woman of every height, not metric. that's how you get a venereal disease. stick to the imperial scale. and all the women love me because i knew how to draw snoopy. all right. all right. nose there. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and a vampire snoopy controlled by george soros drinking the blood of charlie brown, okay. which is why they may try, but i feel sorry for them! i'm not going to roll over for big yogurt, the illumna-chobani, working to undermine the liberty
of the american manscape. that's why i stick to patriot brands like yoplait, and stony field yokid squeezers. they're forcing jamie lee curtis to poop. she doesn't want to do that. pooping is a choice. and i know women, because i remind you, i slept with every woman named deborah in the western hemisphere. george soros doesn't want you to know the real value of yogurt, okay. that's a natural, protein hitch gamma ray shield to keep the clinton foundation from reading your dreams. you take this, you take this yogurt. it can be vanilla. it cannot fruit flavored, all right? why is the fruit on the bottom? what is it hiding? why is it down there? you tack a plain yogurt, all right? you take this, you rub it right on your forehead right there. now they can't read your mind! you can't get in here, john podesta! okay? you can't put yogurt on a pizza. my brain is a steel trap.
i can't even tell what i'm thinking. look! i have no idea why i'm doing this because i can't even read my own brain right now, all right! and the thing is, you want to fulfill the vision of founding father'father spuds mckenzie, nt even death will prevent you from visiting brainfight ustore.com, where you can buy several books i have wrin a fugue state, because i am a man, a man who takes paypal! who has definitely had sex in a hot tub filled with yogurt because the natural cultures are a natural spermicide. they fight the sperm, all right! mbut my sperm wins! my sperm is a dragon of baby making! ( laughter ) ( applause ) brain fights brought to you by square space, not the web hosting company, it's a portable cube-shaped cage with i keep the
alien who insists he's nigh neighbor. i'm not buying it! i haven't seen my neighbor for years! oh, they're getting in! oh, they're trying to get in! don't let your guard down! >> stephen: stay strong, tuck! we've got a great show for you tonight. john legend is here. but when we return, i'm talking to god. stick around. ♪
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jon, i can't help but notice sitting right behind you, you have a special guest joining you tonight. please tell me who you have the honor of sitting with you tonight. >> jon: nors legend, dr. john. >> stephen: doctor, thank you for being here. both you and dr. john are playing at the new orleans jazz and heritage festival. is this this weekend? >> >> jon: yes, this weekend. >> stephen: dr. john, thank you for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: now, i consider myself a religious man, but i respect people of all creeds, beliefs, and colorful hats. so it's time for yet another edition of "stephen colbert gets all up in your faith!" ( cheers and applause )
tonight, i get all up in a hot new denomination: cowboy church! which consists of riding demonstrations, vaulting, and a scripture lesson from a cowboy perspective. from a cowboy perspective, instead of wine, jesus turns water into sarsaparilla. the service will be hosted this saturday by a couple of horse ranchers in their barn. now, that may sound strange, but i can think of one religion that got started in a barn. ( applause ) yeah, sure, why not? sure, why not? you don't have to hesitate to applaud jesus. he likes it. now, organizers of the event started their cowboy church as a way to bring horse owners, horse lovers, and the "horse curious" together. that is admirably open minds because leviticus strictly forbids being "horse curious."
personally, i think this all sounds great, but i wonder if god is okay with cowboy church. >> he ain't ok with it, stephen. but i am! >> stephen: wait! who's that? >> it's me, "cowboy" god! yeeeeeeeeee-hawllelujah! >> stephen: it's cowboy, god, everybody. >> howdie, folks? >> stephen: wait a second, let me get this straight. there's a separate god just for cowboys?! >> you bet your biscuits, pardner! worship me, or i'll send you to cowboy hell! yeeeee-haw! pew-pew-pew. >> stephen: wait, cowboy hell?! what's that? >> oh, it's a big fancy city on the east coast, full of fancy stores, nice restaurants, and liberals. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that really sounds like new york city. >> new york city!? that's where all the worst salsa is made! >> stephen: uh, cowboy god, are you sure you're a real cowboy? >> of course, stephen. when i see a sunset over montana, even i believe in me.
it's like the great cowboy woody said, "hey, buzz lightyear. let's go have a crazy adventure with mr. potatohead." wooo! authentic cowboy talk. >> stephen: okay, i know it's you, regular god. >> all right, all right. it's me, stephen. i'm sorry. i just wanted to look cool. >> stephen: you are cool, god. you created everything. you don't need to resort to cheap costumes and silly voices to make people like you. >> all right. well, from now on, it's dignity all the way. isn't that right, pirate god? yaaaaaaaaaarg! that be the honest truth. walk the plank, sinners. thus sayeth pirate god. pew! pew! >> stephen: pirate god, everybody. >> bring me your chobani. >> stephen: we'll be right back with john legend. >> bring me your chobani. you can get rewarded for all kinds of things... like walking.
hey, honey. dad, where's the car? thought we'd walk. he's counting steps. walk, move and earn money... goal! dad... hey, we wanna welcome everyone to the father daughter dance. look at this dad, he's got some moves! money you can use on out-of-pocket medical expenses. he's ok, yeah! unitedhealthcare ♪
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. ladies and gentlemen, my first oscar-winning singer and songwriter. he's a legend in his own name. please welcome, john legend! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! >> stephen: john! look at that. >> it's good to be back. >> stephen: i have to tell
you. ( cheers and applause ) people love the john legend. >> i love you guys back! >> stephen: always get a standing ovation. >> ooum excited to be here with you. >> stephen: yeah? >> i'm a big fan of stephen colbert. >> stephen: i'm a big fan of john legend's. eight, nine years ago, something like that, i had you on the old show. >> yes. >> stephen: immediately sucked into the john legend world. >> i was your most frequent guest on "the colbert report," i believe. >> stephen: i will not contradict you while are you on air. >> stephen: it was either you or neil degrass tyson. i think you're my most frequent musical guest. we did a duet together. >> the nut meg. >> stephen: a christmas special ♪ my sweet nut beg on the 25th ♪ i'm going to color you in ♪ my nut meg >> stephen: the last time we
were together you had a lovely baby. >> we had a baby, yes. >> stephen: congratulations on that. >> she's a year old now. ( applause ). >> stephen: i mean, i associate-- and a lot of people associate you with love, your love songs, finding love, wanting love, losing love. how has your view of love changed now that you have your own bundle of love? having a wild, how is that joit's a different kind of love. it's very pure, it's unconditional, but they haven't earned it yet. it's like -- >> stephen: what do you mean? >> they didn't do anything. they just exist. >> stephen: right, but you love them completely. >> you love them bleat complooetly but it's not built on anything other than -- >> stephen: their existence. >> their existence. >> stephen: i think that's why we call god "our father" because we have done nothing in that direction, either. >> there you go. >> stephen: what about the moment when you first held the baby joit's beautiful. it's very emotional. and it brings you and jur wife closer together, and it's a very powerful feeling to see the product of your love right
there. >> stephen: my first reaction when i held my daughter for the first time is i have been dumb. and my second reaction was, "i'm a terrible son!" because i thought if my-- >> yes! >> stephen: if my parents love me half as much as i love this child instantly i haven't loved them enough. >> chrissy says, if they don't want to to come have dinner with us when we're expoald hang out and call us, i will be so sad sadd. we put so much love into this." >> stephen: of. >> stephen: it is never too early to guilt-trip them. congratulations on this. >> that's me! >> stephen: this is you. "time" magazine has just put out their 100 most influential people in the world, and look at that cover right there. ( cheers and applause ) >> obviously, i'm very pleased in this moment. >> stephen: yeah. that's extraordinary, extraordinary. 100 people, what are there, like, seven billion people in the world? you're personally responsible for 70 million people.
( laughter ) that's a lot of responsibility. >> a lot of influence. >> stephen: who wrote your-- because they have someone write a little blurb. >> yeah. >> stephen: who wrote yours. >> harry belafonte. >> stephen: that's kind of fitting. he's an artist and activist. >> absolutely. >> stephen: and so are you >> and he's a friend of mine, and he's been a big influence for me. and he always tells me that something that paul robson told him it's an artist's duty to be gatekeepers of the truth. and he has always used his role as an artist to help fund activism, to be a leader and a voice for all activists out there, so he's been a big influence for me. >> stephen: wow, me, too,. >> yeah. >> stephen: no, honestly. i sang "jamaica farewell" with him once. >> oh! >> stephen: so i have that. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i'm not on this thing. >> i'm sure you've been on it. >> stephen: you've got a new album out right now. >> yes, "darkness and light."
>> stephen: "darkness and light." this came out right before christmas. ( applause ) and you're about to start-- you're about to start a tour. >> yes. >> stephen: tell me a little something about the album. is this an album you put on to apologize to her or get the sexy time going? which situation would you recommend? >> i think it leans toward the sexy time. there's not a lot of apologizing on this album. >> stephen: after the sexy time, maybe. >> even the song we're doing today is called "sure fire" and it's about going through challenges in your relationship, both internal within the relationship raep and things that are outside and try to make thist through that. i think a lot of couples will be able to use it as a way of thinking about their struggles and deciding that it's worth fighting for. >> stephen: well, the first time that you and i ever didding in exwg together on the old show, we did one of the paul mccartney, michael jackson-- >> oh, "the girl is mine."
>> stephen: that's right. we were both competing on who the statue of liberty was in love with. >> yes. >> stephen: and i said she was in love with me. ♪ i understand >> stephen: i'm not going to stop you. when i sat next to you on-- on the bench, and you hit that first note, i went, "i think i'm ovulating." because-- ( laughter ) you can make anything sound cool and sexy. your voice has that rich power. i bet you could make anything, no matter how mundane, sound cool and sexy. >> it's possible. ( laughter ) yeah. >> stephen: would you like to give it a try? >> sure! ( cheers and applause ) let's try it. >> stephen: jon, would mind if he joined you over there? >> that's my friend dr. john. i inducted dr. john into the hall of fame. >> jon-john-jon, ladies and gentlemen. please sit back and relax.
>> good to see you my friend. how are you, are you all right? >> stephen: the "the late show" is proud to present present, "john legend makes mundane things sound sexy." ( applause ) >> interesting. ♪ oooooh ooooh ♪ honey, i'm running out to costco ( cheers and applause ) ♪ there's no such thing as too many paper towels
>> how are you doing? >> stephen: i'm doing fine. i met your dad. i never met you before. >> we're related so it's crazy that we never met before. >> stephen: that's what i just found out. i've got this right here. i was handed this. tell me what this means. it says ozzy ozosbourne, part colbert, part neanderthal. evidently, we are cousins in some way. >> yes, we are. >> stephen: what's the story behind this? >> i guess you both did the genealogy testing. >> stephen: i did the genome test. >> my dad did it, and they tested me and my brother and it turns out we come from the same niander that you will tribe. >> stephen: all four of us do? >> yes. >> stephen: wow. well-- >> i came from my dad, so, of course. you're a long, lost cousin from somewhere. the black sea, i think they said
it was. >> stephen: oh, really. well, lovely to see you at the family reunion here right now. i love-- you have a really cool-- you shaved sides of your head right now and a tattoo. do you meepped if i point those out. >> please don't tell me -- >> stephen: is that literally a text on the show? >> it's from my dad! i'm sorry! >> stephen: what does it say? what does it say? >> do you really want me to read it? >> stephen: if it's okay. >> well, there are some swear words in it. >> stephen: oh, good. >> okay. >> stephen: yup? >> i'm a little bit nervous. okay. "hi" spelled h-i-g-h. "toddles. i just watched you on the teley. i thought you looked and sounded (bleep) awesome. i love you so much, and i am so proud of you. dada. xxxx." my favorite thing ever is that
he doesn't know that hi is special h-i. >> stephen: go with what you know. please say hi back can we say hi back? >> you know what we'll do. if i facetimed him right now, he would die. >> stephen: go ahead. >> do you want me to facetime him. >> stephen: go ahead and faze time him. while you're doing that, i will talk about your book. you have a new book called "there is no (bleep) secret." and it's letters from a bad-ass bitch. >> if he doesn't pick up now, i'm going to be like you are a bitch, dad. >i call him dada. it's weird when adult women call their father daddy. do you not think that? it's weird? >> stephen: i've never been one. i don't know. >> oh, and the words-- he totally just ignored it. in the word of my father, yet.
when anyone ever says "i've never" or "i don't know" yet. you could be a father. >> stephen: no, i am a father. >> that's what i'm saying. >> stephen: i've never been an adult woman is what i meant. hold on. hold on. hold on. hold on. ( applause ) come here. come here. okay. >> die! >> stephen: hold on, hold on. yet! ( laughter ) never, never say never. never say never. i'm very open minded. i'm very honored. why write a book? you're 32. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: why write a memoir now? what do you want us to know? it's more about the fact that i don't have the right to sit here and complain about my public perception or the way the media perceives me if i'm not going to stand up and show them who i am. >> stephen: okay. >> and there are a lot of misconceptions and i have been through so much in my short 32
years of living -- >> stephen: and in public, too. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: how old were you when the show on mtv started gisigned the contract with mtv when i was 13-- that was-- i'm not going to age myself. >> stephen: and that's the show that started all of the celebrity's life equals entertainment. >> sorry. >> stephen: yeah. ( laughter ) you guys really did it. if you hadn't been so damn entertaining, i don't think-- i don't think-- i don't think it would have worked. you say your dad-- you say your dad is innocent, and i kind of believe you from the text we just got there. >> he is. don't you remember when he screamed in your face? >> stephen: yes, i do remember. when we did the rally to restore sanity. >> i missed my flight and i was so angry they missed that because it looked like so much fun. >> stephen: the first time i met your father he didn't say a word to me. when i came in, he just sat there like i wasn't there. >> oh, womanw,. >> stephen: and your mother was there and she was speak for
him. >> that's why he's genius. he pretends he doesn't know what's going on. >> stephen: i explained i wanted cat stephen to come in and play "peace train" and he would sphwrupt intrupt and i thought he doesn't understand at all. we're completely screwed. at that point, you would probably come on and-- >> this is my and my mom go, "get out! go!" >> stephen: i said after cat stephens comes on you would yell the opening of-- "all aboard! >> if your face. >> stephen: in my face. and i jumped out of my skin. and i said (bleep). you were listening the whole time. >> yup. >> stephen: you can explain how this played into your childhood because here's your father from "bark at the moon," his famous album. >> you mean why no kids came to my birthday parties? >> stephen: yes. >> my dad decided to play three little pigs at one of my
birthday parties -- it might have actually been my sister's-- my brother's-- one of our s. >> stephen: how old are you at this point? >> probably about four. >> stephen: four? >> yes. >> stephen: and you're playing-- >> and my dad is like, "i'll huff and i'll puff and i'll blow the house down." and he put us in the garden shed with all my friends and every kid went insane and was crying and my mom had to call all their parents and they . home and i sat there, "i don't get it. it's just dada." >> stephen: did he show up in the garden shed like this? >> like that. like that. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: i wish he was my dad. >> he's your cousin! >> stephen: oh, that's not a good idea. well, the book is "there is no (bleep) secret." the young lady is kelly osbourne. kelly, thank you so much for being here. we'll be right back with a performance by john legend.
and find a place to be accepted. i feel it's important to take photographs that are going to make a difference. ( ♪ ) i'm tyler hicks, photojournalist for the new york times. not really.my back right? i'm tyler hicks, yes, you do... every single time i... get down! there you are. you always have... my back! my back! music: (piano cover of guns n' roses "sweet child o' mine) ♪ ♪ it's crispety. it's crunchety. it's a one-of-a-kind experience. butterfinger. there's nothing like it. new degree ultraclearnt saving black + white.othes. no yellow stains on white clothes. no white marks on black clothes. new degree ultraclear black + white.
"darkness and light," john legend! ♪ can you just stay through the night? ♪ turn down the bed and the blinds ♪ before you turn around can you just stay through the night? ♪ let me breathe you in 'til gravity bends ♪ and we fall through the hole in the light ♪ make this our kingdom somewhere where good love ♪ conquers and not divides ♪ cause i may not know a lot of things but ♪ i feel it in my chest know i won't let the blue flame die ♪ we can't lose hope just yet 'cause it's once, just once in a lifetime
♪ and we're scared to love but it's alright ♪ i may not know a lot of things but ♪ i know that we're surefire, yeah ♪ know that we're surefire, yeah ♪ can't keep this bed warm on the left side ♪ when something is cold as a goodbye ♪ why don't you turn around? ignore all that ( bleep ) from the outside ♪ the world is a nightmare wake up and stay here ♪ let me be on your side we'll make this our kingdom
♪ somewhere where good love conquers and not divides but but ♪ i may not know a lot of things but ♪ i feel it in my chest know i won't let the blue flame die ♪ we can't lose hope just yet 'cause it's once, just once in a lifetime ♪ and we're scared to love but it's alright ♪ i may not know a lot of things but ♪ i know that we're surefire know that we're surefire ♪ and oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my god ♪ i'm so, i'm so, i'm so tired of fighting ♪ let go, give in, let go and
give up, oh ♪ i may not know a lot of things but ♪ i feel it in my chest if we just let the blue flame die ♪ the devil wins this bet oh it's once, just once in a lifetime ♪ and you're scared to love but it's alright ♪ i may not know a lot of things but ♪ i know that we're surefire know that we're surefire
will be america ferrera, thomas middleditch, and dave grohl and his mom, virginia. now stick around for james corden and his guests amanda peet, kal penn, and max minghella. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> announcer: ladies and gentlemen ale
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