tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS May 11, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
>> join our team for the morning to start your day. have a great night. >> spicer won't be at the podium for the rest of the week. deputy press secretary sarah ckabee sanders will handle this on camera briefing with the press core while spicer fills his navy reservest duty. ( laughter ) >> my dearest replacement sarah huckabee sanders. i feel compelled to write a few lines that will fall upon your eyes in the event i am unable to return, which if i had my druthers, i would not. the possibility of dysentery and trench foot are more agreeable than defending the president's tweets. i'm pleading with my commanding officer to send me to a war zone
because sustaining the shelling of i.s.i.s. insurgents is nothing to weathering the merciless bombardment of april ryan. if i am felled on the battlefield, the wind will whisper my words to you -- woo-hoo, sweet release, i am free. sincerely yours, sean spicer. p.s., please send gum. ( laughter ) >> announcer: it's the "late show" with stephen colbert. tonight stephen welcomes mayim bialik, andy karl and ramy yousseff, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and, now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: whoo! captioning sponsored by cbs
hey! thank you! whoo! you're too kind! please, thank you so much. welcome to the late show. i'm stephen colbert. well, the last 24 hours have just raised more questions about why donald trump fired f.b.i. director james comey. okay. no one seems to know why. donald trump doesn't seem to know why. ( laughter ) first, he said it was based on the recommendation of assistant attorney general and 50-year-old just hitting puberty, rod rosenstein. ( laughter ) hang in there, rod. trump even sent mike pence out there to repeat it. "what are you going to do? rod says he's gotta go. rod's the man."
some people were skeptical that this was true. for instance, rod rosenstein, who said, and i'm paraphrasing, "what? no! sorry, fellas, no." at one point, rosenstein actually threatened to quit. it will be detailed in his tell-all book "threatening courage." ( laughter ) still, the white house staff kept repeating that the decision came after the recommendation from rod. and today donald trump backed those staffers up and then ran over them repeatedly by changing his story. >> monday you met with the deputy attorney general rod rosenstein. >> right. >> did you ask for a recommendation? >> what i did is i was going to fire comey. my decision. it was not-- >> you made the decision before they came in the room? >> i, i was going to fire comey. i -- there's no good time to do it, by the way.
they -- >> because, in your letter, you said i have accepted their recommendations. you had already made the decision? >> oh, i was going to fire regardless of recommendation. >> stephen: yes, he was going to do it regardless. totally believable. trump does have a long history of doing whatever he wants regardless. but hey, when you're a star, they let you do it. comey should have known he was in trouble when trump pulled out the tic tacs. ( laughter ) so if it wasn't the recommendation, why did he get rid of him? >> look, he's a showboat, he's a grandstander. ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: that is really the squash calling the pumpkin orange. ( cheers and applause ) that was an orange float at the rose parade. ( applause ) and that wasn't trump's only interview this week. he also sat down with "the economist," and talked about chinese president xi jinping and
the amazing things he learned. "our relationship with china is long. of course, by china standards, it's very short. you know, they go back 8,000 years. we have -- 1776 is like modern history. they consider 1776 like yesterday, and they, you know, go back a long time." "did you know that general tso was a real guy?! i think he fought with cap'n crunch." ( laughter ) >> jon: magically delicious. >> stephen: this interview with the trump really thinks he likes his new best friend xi jinping. "i think i like him a lot. i think he likes me a lot. we were supposed to meet for ten minutes, and the ten minutes turned out to be three hours. alone, the two of us. the next day it was supposed to be ten minutes, dinner turned out to be three hours. i mean, he's a great guy." ♪ tell me more, tell me more, did you have lots of fun?
♪ tell me more, tell me more. will they kill "kim jong un"? ♪ ( applause ) ♪ tell me more tell me more ♪ do you have any regrets ♪ tell me more tell me more, will they dpoar give our debt? ♪ thank you very much. ( laughter ) what else? trump also laid out his new tax reform plan, and used a totally original metaphor -- "it's called priming the pump. you know, if you don't do that, you're never going to bring your taxes down. you understand the expression "prime the pump"? have you heard that expression before? because i haven't heard it. i mean, i just-- i came up with it a couple of days ago, and i thought it was good.
( laughter ) yes. don't adjust your television sets. you heard that right. donald trump is claiming he came up with the phrase, "prime the pump?!" sir, did you learn nothing from melania's speech? ( laughter ) just don't do it! ( cheers and applause ) now, i'm no expert. i'm not sure who invented the phrase "priming the pump," but i think it dates back to the pump. what other phrases did trump "invent?" "paper or plastic, that was me. i call a left turn a "louie." "how's it hangin'?" no one wondered how it hung before me. chocoholic. "you are the weakest link. goodbye." ( laughter ) trump also gave a white house tour to "time" magazine, and gave reporters a firsthand look at his dinner routine. "as he settles down, they bring him a diet coke, while the rest of the guests are served water.
when the chicken arrives, he is the only one given an extra dish of sauce. and at the dessert course, he gets two scoops of vanilla ice cream with his chocolate cream pie, instead of the single scoop for everyone else." wow! two scoops?! >> jon: oh, man! >> stephen: does he also get to ride in the front seat sometimes?! ( applause ) man, i wish i was the president! or really, anyone else. ( laughter ) trump was also sad about how everyone's been so mean to him, saying, "it never made sense to me, the level of animosity... all you want to do is, like, let's have a great military. let's have low taxes. let's have good health care. let's have good education." you know? i didn't realize he was such a tender-hearted fellow. so i'm not gonna say anything negative about the president, like that his hands are so small he needs both of them to work a tv remote.
i'm going to let "time" magazine's picture say it for me. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) hold on hold on hold on -- tell the joint chiefs we are at code green. my thumb can't reach the o button. ( laughter ) but those are all just trifling details. the president also spoke to "time" magazine about the most important issue to him -- this show. ahem. "you see a no-talent guy like colbert, there's nothing funny about what he says. and what he says is filthy. and you have kids watching. it only builds up my base. it only helps me, people like him. the guy was dying. by the way they were going to take what he says is filthy and you have kids watching him off television, then he started attacking me and he started doing better.
but his show was dying. i've done his show, but when i did his show, which by the way was very highly rated. it was high me. it was the the highest rating he's ever had. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) the president of the united states has personally come after me and my show. there's only one thing to say -- ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( audience chanting stephen ) mr. trump, there's a lot you don't understand, but i never thought one of those things would be show business. ( laughter ) don't you know i've been trying for a year to get you to say my
name? and you were very restrained, but now you did it. i won (whispering). oh, no! please don't make me trend on twitter again! don't throw me in that hashtag-briarpatch! ( laughter ) but, you're not wrong. i do occasionally use adult language. and i do it in public, instead of in the privacy of an "access hollywood" bus. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that is dignified. and it's true-- the night you appeared on was very highly rated. in fact, the only episode that got better ratings was the night i had jeb bush on. ( audience reacts ) that's right. you got beat by lowenergy jeb bush. but don't worry, you won the ratings "college."
( laughter ) and making jokes about you has been good for ratings. it's almost as if the majority of americans didn't want you to be president. but you know who's got really bad ratings these days? you. terrible approval numbers. i hear they're thinking about switching your time slot with mike pence. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but since all of my success is based on talking about you, if you really want to take me down, there's an obvious way-- resign ( cheers and applause ) i mean, that's it, right?
sir, if you did that, what would i talk about then? except your resignation. because that would be fun. ( cheering ) a president going after someone over jokes is unprecedented. that would be like nixon going after alfred e. newman. ( laughter ) and if i may, mr. president, i'd like to quote that great man: "what, me worry?" ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) we've got a great show for you tonight. mayim bialik is here. but when we come back, i got the first drafts of this year's popular mother's day cards. stick around. i love you, mom! discover card. how can i help you? oh, you're real? you know i'm real! at discover, we're always here to talk.
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! that's my man! >> jon: whoo! >> stephen: good to see you, jon! we all love our mothers, don't we? >> jon: yes. and moms just love getting mother's day cards. ( audience reacts ) that's what i'm talking about. it's the kind of gesture that says, "i passed the card display while buying mouthwash and batteries." but even the best mother's day cards had to start somewhere. and the people who write them don't always nail it on the first try. which is why tonight we're taking a look at some early greeting card efforts in our segment... first drafts! ( applause ) in first drafts, we look at the
-- i always have somebody help me in holding up th the first drafts. i need a mom. what's your name? >> pam. >> stephen: there we go, pam. right there. have a seat. thank you so much for being our guest today, pam. pam, it's mother's day. >> right. >> stephen: so for mother's day, we would like to give you, obviously, a mimosa. ( applause ) and a macaroni card that says "mom" on it. have you gotten one of these before? >> i have. >> stephen: these are for you. you can keep that. you want to keep that, right? >> sure. >> stephen: that's cbs property. not sure if you can keep that. ( laughter )
where are you from? >> nashville, tennessee. >> stephen: lovely town. it is. >> stephen: you have two children of your own? >> a 37-year-old son and a -- >> stephen: what? 37. >> stephen: no way! i do. i'm going to have a grand baby this summer. >> stephen: congratulations! thank you! >> stephen: okay. i have another son, too, he's 33. >> stephen: you have a 33-year-old son as well. is he going to have a grand baby soon? >> danny. >> stephen: danny, get on the stick. >> you bet! is that i would like for you to hand me the top card off each of these. i'll hold it up, and this will be the final draft of the mother's day card, and the next one will be the first draft of the mother's day card. do you understand the premise of the jokes we will be doing? >> i believe so. >> stephen: excellent. here's one that says "happy mother's day to the world's best
mom". love loy, who wouldent want to get that. would you like that? >> i would. >> stephen: okay. but the first draft read, "kevin's mom lets us smoke weed in the basement." ( laughter ) ( applause ) ever have that situation? >> probably. >> stephen: other parents aren't as good as you. you don't let your kids play with those kids, right? >> no. >> stephen: okay, yeah. here's a nice one. it says, "you're not just my mom, you're my best friend." ( audience reacts ) >> that's very sweet. >> stephen: that was really sweet, all right. but the first draft said, "i'm going to start calling you "linda."" ( laughter ) how would you feel about that? >> i don't think i'd like that, no. >> stephen: have your kids ever said can i call you pam, or ever call you pam? >> not really. >> stephen: would you be okay with that if they said i want to call you pam? >> maybe not. >> stephen: no in i don't like it either. all right?
this one says, happy mother's day. "mom, you taught me everything i know." but here's the first draft -- "dad taught me how to siphon gas." ( laughter ) is your husband here? >> he is here. >> stephen: where is he? raise your hand. is that you, sir, in the grey hair? is that you? >> yeah. >> stephen: did you ever teach the boys how to siphon gas? no? >> yeah, we'll see. >> stephen: we'll expect that card at father's day. this is pretty on the outside. reads "happy mother's day. we may be far apart, but a part of you is always with me." ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: yeah. but if you look at the first draft it says, "i'm slowly turning into you, and it creeps me out when i look in the mirror." ( applause ) you know that feeling?
>> yeah. do your boys look like you or your husband? >> actually, it's -- i would say one is more me and one is probably my husband. >> stephen: okay. even handed of you, mom. >> yeah. >> stephen: which one looks more like you? >> the oldest one. >> stephen: do you have a favorite? >> oh, i can't say that. >> stephen: you can't say. she has a favorite. that means she has a favorite. simple answer no. simple answer no, senator . all right. ( applause ) >> stephen: okay. we're joking, boys. how about this card? it just says, "happy mother's day." simple and to the point. and here's the first draft -- "happy mother's day. for the last time, here's your wifi password, don't throw this away." >> that's happened. >> stephen: that's true? ( cheers and applause ) >> oh, yes.
>> stephen: okay. this one says "happy mother's day to the world's most -- to the mom i can talk to about anything. but the first draft read "i'm into butt stuff." ( laughter ) can't talk about that. >> yeah. >> stephen: there are limits. mom doesn't want to know. all right. you happy you came up here, mom? ( laughter ) here's a nice one-- "you're the number one mom in the whole wide world!" ( audience reacts ) but the first draft said, "statisticians say sample size is too small to accurately determine your ranking." ( laughter ) this one says "queen for a day." -- this one says happy mother's day. thanks for being my godmother.
but the first draft read, i'm not totally clear what your role is. pam, thank you for being here. please enjoy your mimosa and macaroni art. pam, everybody! happy mother's day! not really. yes, you do... every single time i... get down! there you are. you always have... my back! my back! music: (piano cover of guns n' roses "sweet child o' mine) ♪
you plan to capture every moment. ♪ ♪ but what you really can't plan for, is when the moment captures you. ♪ experience moe as a member. the marriott portfolo has 30 brands in over 110 countries, so no matter where you go, you are here. the following ad for your viewing convenience. i finally switched to geico. oh yeah? ended up saving a ton of money on car insurance. i hear they have a really great mobile app. the interface is remarkably intuitive. that's so important. ♪
try aveeno® sheer hydration. its active naturals® oat formula... ...goes on feather light. absorbs in seconds... ...keeps skin healthy looking and soft. aveeno® naturally beautiful results. we, the device loving people want more than just unlimited data. we want unlimited entertainment. so we can stream unlimited action. watch unlimited robots. watch unlimited romance. if you are into that. but we also want more like... unlimited hbo. can i stop dying now mark? no can't do mi amigo. it's unlimited. besides you are really good at it james. don't settle for any unlimited data plan. only the at&t unlimited plus plan comes with hbo included at no extra charge.
you got me, mark. we just want fast internet for one, simple rate. for all the streaming and the shopping and the newsing, but most of all... for the this. internet for one everyday simple price and no extra monthly fees. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! folks, get ready, because you know my first guest from "beaches," "blossom," and of course "the big bang theory." please welcome mayim bialik. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
>> stephen: please, after you. nice to have you on the show. >> nice to be here. >> stephen: not only are you on this show on cbs tonight, but tonight the season finale of season 10 of big bang theory is tonight and i understand this is taped before that broadcast. >> correct. >> stephen: it's whatever, 3:45 or -- >> everyone dies -- whoops! ( laughter ) just kidding. >> stephen: hard to make that funny. new "big bang" the universe starts all over again? is it something having to do with your character? >> yes. >> stephen: you have a one in seven chance of being right with that guess. >> stephen: you're here, might as well take a stab with it. >> something big happens with my character and sheldon. >> stephen: something big has
already happened between the two of you. >> we had coitus. >> stephen: what a lovely way to put it. >> are you blushing? >> stephen: under all this makeup. ( laughter ) we had jim parsons on last week and he said he's not actually understanding any of the things he says on that show, nor does he want to understand. >> correct. >> stephen: you actually have a ph.d. in neuroscience. >> correct. >> stephen: was that just, like, intense? was that intense method acting? how did this come about? >> no. actually, i took time off. i was on "blossom" when i was younger. i took off 12 years to get my undergraduate and graduate degree at u.c.l.a., had two children, did a lot of things in those years. i returned to acting, honestly because we were running out of
health insurance. >> stephen: pretty soon, everybody's going to return to acting. ( cheers and applause ) who would have thought acting was the "safe choice"? ( laughter ) >> i had been teaching neuroscience -- >> stephen: where were you teaching neuroscience? >> i taught junior high and high school in our home school in los angeles and also taught biology and chemistry. >> stephen: do you ever explain to the other cast members what they're saying means? >> so here's the thing about actors -- they don't like when other actors say, let me give you a little pointer on that one ( laughter ) >> stephen: not even pronunciation? >> they don't like that at all, no. >> stephen: i love anyone's enthusiasm for knowledge. science isn't always valued as much as it should be. >> true. >> stephen: the people on the characters y'all portray on the show are referred to as in other words. how do you feel about that term "nerd"? >> actually, my first email address ever was "nerd" at
ucla.edu. >> stephen: that was available? >> that's right, in 1995, it wasn't cool yet and no one wanted it, but i did. ( applause ) >> stephen: what makes someone a nerd, in your opinion? because there are a lot of controversy over the definition of nerd sometimes, like there's a rise of nerd culture and people want to be in other words but they don't know what qualifies you to be nerd. i thought nerd just means you're enthusiastic about something. >> i'm enthusiastic about this mug. i'm a mug nerd. >> stephen: an ancient design. it's how things work on an academic on intellectual level? yeah, generally fall under nerd. in other words don't tend to have an elaborate social life
but they can. we do. >> stephen: yeah. information is your -- >> you're now my best friend. so i had no other plans tonight. this is it. >> stephen: could i qualify as a nerd? >> tell me some of the things you like. besides mugs. >> stephen: i really like astronomy. >> okay. >> stephen: i really love the lord of the rings and tolkin. >> that would qualify you as a geek in my book. we could literally talk about this all night. >> stephen: let's cancel all the other guests. let's geek out. so nerd versus geek. >> i'd say geek tends to be someone who's interested in those kinds of things, fantasy, you know, "star wars" culture, star trek. those people aren't necessarily academically or intellectually inclined but are inclined towards having friends who also
like those kind of geeky things and that's their social circle. in other words are by themselves. geeks are by themselves with other people who are also by themselves. ( applause ) >> stephen: so let me see if i get this right. a geek, if i'm interpreting correctly, is, oh, yeah, i know that dude, i met him at comic con. the nerd is i didn't know he was so quiet. >> stephen: why are you perpetuating stereotype? that's my job on "the big bang theory." ( laughter ) >> stephen: you have a new book called "girling up" how to be strong, smart and spectacular. >> right. >> stephen: how does one girl up? >> by becoming a woman from a girl. i used my scientific background
and my interest in the process of becoming a woman. for me, i was a very unusual child -- i'm sure that's shocking to you -- i'm pretty much an unusual adult, and i wrote this book to speak about the full female experience both for girls who don't fit in and those who do to teach about the full experience with a background in science in terms of the hormones and the biological processes of being a female? addition to dealing with difficult things in the 21s 21st century female girls have to deal with. >> stephen: i'm a 52-year-old man. is there any way a man can girl up? anything positive to learn from this? >> you just asked me two different questions. there is something positive you can learn from this -- >> stephen: but i can't girl up? >> how gender fluid are you feeling tonight? >> stephen: the night is young. ( applause ) "girling up" out now!
mimmayim bialik, everybody! back with andy karl! lovely to meet you! this is me when i feel controlled by frequent, unpredictable abdominal pain or discomfort and diarrhea. i tried lifestyle changes and over-the-counter treatments, but my symptoms keep coming back. it turns out i have irritable bowel syndrome with diarrhea, or ibs-d. a condition that's really frustrating. that's why i talked to my doctor about viberzi... ...a different way to treat ibs-d. viberzi is a prescription medication
you take every day that helps proactively manage both abdominal pain and diarrhea at the same time. so i can stay ahead of my symptoms. viberzi can cause new or worsening abdominal pain. do not take viberzi if you have no gallbladder, have pancreas or severe liver problems, problems with alcohol abuse, long-lasting or severe constipation, or a bowel or gallbladder blockage. pancreatitis may occur and can lead to hospitalization and death. if you are taking viberzi, you should not take medicines that cause constipation. the most common side effects of viberzi include constipation, nausea, and abdominal pain. stay ahead of ibs-d with viberzi. wiback like it could used to? neutrogena hydro boost water gel. with hyaluronic acid it plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. for supple, hydrated skin. hydro boost. from neutrogena ayou don't have to choose just one thing. choose your trio with any 3 of 9 selections for $15.99. like new creamy lobster pasta
toasted parmesan shrimp and southern-style crab cakes. come create your trio before it ends. for all kinds of things... like walking.ewarded hey, honey. dad, where's the car? thought we'd walk. he's counting steps. walk, move and earn money... goal! dad... hey, we wanna welcome everyone to the father daughter dance. look at this dad, he's got some moves! money you can use on out-of-pocket medical expenses. he's ok, yeah! unitedhealthcare
( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! my next guest is nominated for a tony award for his performance in "groundhog day." please welcome, andy karl! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> so good. >> stephen: welcome to the show. nice to have you on. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: we met briefly the other night. >> the met gala.
>> stephen: super splashy and fancy. >> i want to say one thing i noticed while you were there, there is so much hubbub going on celebrity galore. it was my first time. >> stephen: fancy models and rihanna. >> but the one woman you wanted to be with was your wife and you kept canoodling with her all night and it was beautiful to see that. i was with my wife -- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. you just got me serious points. thank you very much. >> happy mother's day! >> stephen: thank you very much. did you meet any fun people? you run into really cool people, talking to elon musk about methane reclamation systems on mars or something. you never know. >> i did not meet him. i met hugh jackman. that was cool. wolverine! he had seen my show the night before. i was glad i could meet him there.
he gave me a weird compliment a friend of his told him that i look like a combination of him and anderson cooper if they had a love child. i was, like, i will take that compliment! >> stephen: yeah, that's a power couple. >> it is. >> stephen: wow! now, you're currently starring, as i said, in "groundhog day" on broadway. how's that going? >> it's so good. >> stephen: yeah. it's a great show. >> stephen: you're currently starring in "groundhog day" on broadway. how's tha that going? >> so good. it's a great show. >> stephen: you're currently starring in -- ( applause ) but here's the thing, as if people may not know. as you're nominated for a tony, beautiful performance, everyone blown away, but might be more blown away if they know what you're working through. can you tell the people what happened three days before opening night? >> three days before opening
night, i'll try to make a long story short -- >> stephen: you're all over the set, jumping, flipping -- >> i'm pretty much on the entire show, running around as phil conners, the weather man who's stuck in time. it's a very active show and one part of the show towards the end where i'm running around saving everybody's life. i've learned my lesson and saving everybody's day, catching cats falling from trees and all sorts of things. running from stage left to right. last part of the number, full tilt, leapfrogging over somebody, landing -- catching a woman falling off a ladder then catching a cat falling out of a tree. so i didn't get the catching part because after the leapfrog my acl just, like, ripped. my knee did this. i went down and i'm crawling off the stage sobbing and sad. this has a really good ending, at least. >> stephen: this is not the
sort of thing you can hide from the audience. >> no, we had to stop the show. they asked for a doctor in the house. i never thaw i would hear that. >> stephen: literally? over the loud speaker? >> yeah, a pediatrician came back and it was as close as we could get. i sent everybody away because i wanted to sing the last song of the show for the audience because we were so close to the end. the last song is a brilliant song by our composer called "seeing you," about phil's journey around the show and he's learned his lesson and sees everybody around him makes him better. i have a hard time talking about it, when i came back out, i got such love, they applauded me going out there and i sang it for them. it's one of the best and worst theater experiences in my life. ( applause ) >> stephen: and the show must go on. that's a real trooper.
>> the show must go on. i learned that a long time ago in theater and it's proving it now. >> stephen: i'm guessing the guy, whoever it came up with the phrase "the show must go on," had not just torn his acl. >> he had a hangnail or something. >> stephen:. >> stephen: the flu or something like that. >> (coughing) the show must go on. ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you specialize in doing musical versions of movies? i could see you in fast and furious the musical. >> broadway drift. ( laughter ) >> stephen: is it sort of hard to fulfill the expectation of the audience who said, i saw this movie, that's not phil conners? >> what's great about the show, it's a work of art. it's so good how they deconstruct it. when you're turning a musical into a movie, you really have to tear it apart and put it back together again because you're adding music you don't normally get. we made other characters sing
that you wouldn't expect. so what they've done is just brilliant and it's genius to look at and listen to and danny ruben who wrote the original scripts with harold ray muse is the script writer for this show and you're in good hands and will love it. >> stephen: "groundhog day" is at the august wilson theater. andy karl, everybody. back with comedian ramy yousseff! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) your baby's chubby little hand latches onto your finger so hard, it's like she's saying i love you. that's why aveeno's oat formula is designed for your baby's sensitive skin. aveeno®. naturally beautiful babies.
chevythree years in a row. car company really... let's see how quickly you can read through all their awards. 2017 motor trend car of the year. kelly blue book 2016 best resale value... u.s. news best cars for the money 10 best blah blah blah only about 90 more to go! 2017 iihs...top safety. 2017 north american car of the year! that's a lot of awards! get 20% below msrp on all malibu lt models. that's $5,200 on this chevy malibu. find new roads at your local chevy dealer.
i'm leaving you, wesley. but why? you haven't noticed me in two years. i was in a coma. well, i still deserve appreciation. who was there for you when you had amnesia? >> i'm leaving you, wesley. you haven't noticed me in two years. >> i was in a coma. >> i'm leaving you, wesley. years. still appreciate -- stop this! if it's appreciation ♪ are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool? try zyrtec® it's starts working hard at hour one
and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. it's not easy to brew a beer this easy to drink. bud light is tasted by brewmasters every step of the process. it's a tough job, but for you and your friends, it's worth it. we don't just brew beer. we brew beer for friends.
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. my next guest is making his network television debut. please welcome, ramy youssef! ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> hey! my name is ramy yousseff, and i'm muslim -- ( audience reacts ) like, yeah, yeah. like, from the news?
have you guys seen our show? fox news or any of the news, really. they're all about us. i get why people are afraid. i do. especially if you don't know a muslim, of course. even if sometimes i watch for too long, i'm, like, whoa, am i going to do something? ( laughter ) they make it seem inevitable. i feel like, no matter what i do, i'm just going to turn 30 and get a hogwarts letter from i.s.i.s. ( applause ) no, seriously, there is going to be a dude at my house with a beard and says, you're a terrorist, ramy, you have been one the whole time and we start in september. i'll be, like, yeah, cool, do i get a wand? i'd join i.s.i.s. if they gave me a wand. a wand is way cooler than democracy. seriously. that's not real.
i don't know what is real anymore. like, i agree with trump when he says fake news. all thes in feels fake because none of it really affects me. like i see this tragedy on a screen and i'm sad, but then i have my day, and it's fine. like, i remember if day the muslim ban happened. i was upset. i have family that doesn't have citizenship. you know, i want to see them again. but personally, i had a really good day. ( laughter ) that day, i got cast in a taco bell commercial. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so, yeah. i'm watching tv and this guy is, like, this is a terrible day for all muslims. i'm like, well... not "all" muslims. ( laughter ) and it was this shell made out of fried chicken, and i had this line i had to say. i go, "a shell made out of tried
chicken? that's in-conceivable ." then my mom texted me and she's like we're not sure if your uncle can get back in the country. i was, like, wow, mom, that's crazy. but yo you want to know what's inconceivable? this shell... ( laughter ) obviously, i don't agree with the ban. of course not. but the problem is i do agree with, like, every third thing that trump says. it's like a weird multiple choice test. he'll be like mexicans are rapists, muslims have got to go, the government is broken, it could do better. i'll be, like, one of those is true. but are all of them true is this ( laughter ) and then he says some things that are definitely true. they have nothing to do with the debate but hillary would be up there and say this is what i'm going to do about i.s.i.s. and
bring ac jobs. what about you, donald? he would be just, like, la guardia airport sucks. i would be, like, it does, man! hillary hasn't talked about la guardia all year! she's lying, check the e-mails. ( laughter ) and now we're here. i still think we're going to be okay. i really do. i believe in god. like, god-god. not yoga. yoda. ( laughter ) i get it. religious culture could be crazy. i grew up in a town where i watched my gay friends struggle to come out to the religious community. now i live in l.a. where i'm a religious person struggling to come out to the gay community. ( applause ) and tell them what i think. they're just like you believe in god? dude, that's so guy. ( laughter ) for me, god is hope that there's
more to life than what's in front of us. you know, that even if things seem impossible, there's still a chance that it could be okay. and i'm not trying to be preachy, i'm really not. all i'm trying to say is just submit to islam because it's the truth -- ( laughter ) ( applause ) -- and that's the only way you will be saved. seriously, that's the only way. trust me. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you can see him on the upcoming season of "mr. robot." ramy youssef, everybody! we'll be right back.,,,,
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for the late show. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be tracy morgan, timothy simons, and musical guest, dan auerbach. now stick around for james corden and his guests goldie hawn and kevin bacon. goodnight! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the way