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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  May 19, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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late show with stephen colbert is next. >> have a fantastic weekend! it's going to be warm. we'll see you. captioning sponsored by cbs >> president trump wil much-needed b the domestic controversies. that could come tomorrow. he heads for his first foreign trip, his first marine overseas trip since entering the white house. ( "hail to the chief" ) ( laughter ) ( laughter )
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>> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes jennifer garner demetri martin and paula poundstone. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: hey! hey! >> stephen: yes! hey, everybody! thank you so much. oh, listen to that. listen to that. we've been keeping this audience-- we've been keeping this audience in the crisper.
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they are absolutely fresh. you can't mistake a friday audience. >> jon: you can't mistake a friday audience. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's explosive. welcome to "the late show,"" ladies and gentlemen. i'm your host, stephen colbert. happy friday! this is a big friday because donald trump has left on his first overseas trip as president. and i hear there's a whans that when he returns, he'll still be president. ( laughter ) and with trump gone, you know what that means-- we have the whole country to ourselves for the weekend. ( cheers and applause ) party at the white house! party at the white house! you know, you know pence is throwing a rager this weekend. ( laughter ) let's see. first place trump is going is --ies going to saudi arabia firt where he wants to unite the muslim world with a speech on radical islam.
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( laughter ) the idea is to unite our islamic friends against our islamic enemies. "i love muslims. okay. that's why i call you 'radical.' and i'm hearing great things about this muhammed guy. i really am. i can't wait to meet him. i'm having dinner with him and frederick dougulous las. i hear they're both great." and i'm sure the speech will strike just the right tone because it's being drafted by stephen miller, who played a key role in creating the administration's travel ban on citizens from muslim countries. ( booing ) and, i've just been told the speech has been blocked by a federal judge. oh, well. oh, well. so close! so close! after the president's done uniting the muslim world with one speech, it's off to israel to smooth over that little kerfuffle with the palestinians. should be a breeze.
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he's got this one in the bag. we all remember how confident mideast conflict. >> let's see if we can find the solution. it's, uh, something that i think is, frankly, uh, maybe not as difficult as people have thought over the years. >> stephen: obviously, not as difficult. "have you tried unplugging the west bank and plugging it back in? just jiggle it. just jiggle the gaza strip. one of these." but the israeli visit might get a little tense at times, too, since it came out this week that israel is the source of the secret intelligence trump gave to the russians. but i'm sure it'll be fine. it's not like people over there hold grudges for thousands of years. ( laughter ) let's see, after israel-- oh, this is fun-- he's off to meet the pope. and i think trump will like the vatican. it has almost as much gold
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furniture as his apartment. ( laughter ) and no question, the stakes of this trip are high. according to one official involved in the planning, "this has to go well. there's not a lot of room to fail." hey, trump has proven he doesn't need much room to fail, just 140 characters. seems to do it. ( applause ) to make sure trump reads his daily briefings for this trip, sources say that for this trip, national security council officials have strategically included trump's name in "as many paragraphs as we can because he keeps reading if he's mentioned." ( laughter ) that is a true story. apparently, the only thing that can overcome trump's short attention span is his crippling narcissism. but, of course, if they want him to understand that, they'll have to call it his crippling trumpicism. but before he left, the president held a joint press
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conference with president juan manuel santos of colombia-- or as trump calls it, "mexico's hotter sister." ( laughter ) that's what he says, not me. that's what he says. i think they're both very hot. ( laughter ) and in the light of the appointment of a special counsel to investigate collusion with russia, he had this to say: >> there is no collusion between certainly myself and my campaign. >> stephen: okay. ( laughter ) any collusion between your mouth and your brain? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: wow! >> stephen: wasn't the question, sir. wasn't the question. but trump did face this direct question about the firing of james comey. >> did you at any time urge former f.b.i. director james comey in any way, shape, or form to close or to back down the investigation into michael
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flynn? and, also, as you look back-- >> no, no. next question. ( laughter ) >> stephen: sir, you know you can't do that on the witness stand, right? "mr. trump, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing butthe truth?" >> no, no. next question. >> stephen: meanwhile congressional republicans are still trying to keep their campaign promise, for instance, cutting spending. take this bold idea from north carolina congressman and conservative letting it all hang out, mark walker. walker recently tweeted this photo of a ramp for baby ducks at the u.s. capitol reflecting pool with the caption "if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it must be government waste." first of all, it doesn't look like a duck. it looks like a ramp. ( laughter ) and the reason baby ducks need the ramp is that "ducklings get into the water, and then can't get out. they will drown from exhaustion or die of starvation unless they have a way to get out of the water." which explains congressman walker's upcoming campaign
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slogan: "walker 2018: die, baby ducks!" ( applause ) bold. it's bold. in response-- that's a no-no. that's all right. that's a lot of baby duck haters tonight. in response to walker's tweet, the u.s. capitol released this video of the wasteful spending in action. look at you! you're we have thing our money! now, walker does have a point. ducks have been leeching off the system forever. they're constantly having eggs out of wedlock, living on handouts from old men in parks, and i'm not comfortable with how much time they spend in the bathtub with our children. stick around, we've got a great show. jennifer garner is here. but when we come back, we'll have a visit from our old friend tuck buckford. ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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yeah, at first i thought it was just the stress of moving. [ sighs ] hey, i was using that. what, you think we own stock in the electric company? i will turn this car around right now! there's nobody back there. i was becoming my father. [ clears throat ] it's...been an adjustment, but we're making it work. you know, makes it easy for us to get the right home insurance. [ snoring ] progressive can't protect you from becoming your parents, but we can protect your home and auto. [ chuckles ] all right. latches onto youry finger so hard, it's like she's saying i love you.
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the latest innovation from the maker of frontline plus. for persistent protection you can trust... good boy! go for the gold. frontline gold. available at your vet. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) jon batiste and stay human. and the manhattan sound machine. >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. that's the best band on television right there, bar none. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: jon, i'm super excited about our friend jennifer garner coming out here in just a minute. >> jon: oh, yes, indeed. that's going to be fun. >> stephen: did i ever tell, lovely, talented, fantastic of course just the nicest person. you know how i know this? she was-- when my wife and i were young and had our first
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baby, our daughter, she was our baby-sitter. >> jon: wow. >> stephen: yeah. >> jon: really? >> stephen: we'll get into oltime talk so of so stick around for that. yeah, there are some stories. you know, folks, i like to give you good news when i can. and i'm sad to say there's some bad news for radio host and shrieking funnel cake, alex jones. ( laughter ) for those of you who are unfamiliar with jones's... work, this is it: >> i'm gonna tell me what i'll nasty i get. man, i just wish that, uh-- (growling) yeah! sick of people pushing their guilt on me when i hadn't done nothing to you, you filth, projecting onto me all your sick fantasies of control, you garbage! we're gonna organize, humanity's gonna come together. ahhhhhhhhhh! we're coming for you, globalists! we're coming for ya!
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coming for ya! they want to shatter your mind, talking about justin bieber! it's pure evil! ( laughter ) >> stephen: spoken like a man who has been free-basing pure bieber. anyway, he's a terrible person who lies for a living. and for the first time this week, jones had to answer for one of his mad ramblings because he just settled a defamation lawsuit filed against him by greek yogurt manufacturer chobani. which explains their new flavor: cash on the bottom. ( laughter ) chobani sued his ass, and his company, infowars, for spreading the false story that they imported migrant rapists and spread tuberculosis. that's ridiculous. that's yoplait's game. one of the terms of jones' settlement is that he was forced to apologize to chobani. so he put on his sunday best and
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used his most humble growl to say this: >> during the week of april 10, 2017, certain statements were made on the infowars twitter feed and youtube channel regarding chobani l.l.c. that i now understand to be wrong. the tweets and video have now been retracted and will not be reposted. on behalf of infowars, i regret that we mischaracterized chobani, its employees, and the people of twin falls, idaho, the way we did. >> stephen: that was one of the most sincere apologies ever to have been read off the back of a napkin. but i understand what alex is going through because, recently, under threat of lawsuit, my right-wing satirical character, tuck buckford, also had to apologize for some slanderous claims he made. and i believe we have the court-ordered video. >> that, brain fighters is how the lesbian conspiracy has maintained its vice grip on our
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nation. it's how they reproduce, okay. it's their demon seed. now, a sincere, forced apology. ( laughter ) during the period of my entire career, certain statements were made on the brain fight twitter feed youtube page, company skywriter, and also from my enormous man mouth with its man words. and i'm now legally required to understand those words to be wrong. so i will now off the issue of the following corrections. i regret that i mischaracterized virgin airlines. i do know now that they do not use their planes to spray clouds of viagra on to our nation's playgrounds to incite an antigovernment revolution of unstoppable middle school sex warriors. my bad. in addition, i have learned that fruit by the foot is not made out of reptilian skin shed by
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george soros. but i stand by the idea that george soros' skin would be a delicious and nutritious treat. ( laughter ) actor jeff goldblum is not a robot controlled by islamic fieldmice. i have no idea what the religion of those fieldmice is. my apologies. ( laughter ) i also see now, for the first time, that wise is not coding the inside of its potato chip bags with an emasculating chemical polymer in an attempt to reduce our genitals into hairless mounds easily controlled by psychic, huma abedin. nice true, huma. the chicago bulls do not spend their free time slam-dunking newborn babies into vaccination machines. the fact that the sky is blue and that clouds are white is not an attempt by the israely mossad
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to take over heaven and convert jesus back to judaism. stay strong, j.c ( laughter ) the movie "marley and me" is not filled with satanic imagery meant to make white couples of reproductive age think that they're golden retrievers so they will have themselves spade and neutered. and i am especially sorry to the good people at breakstone cottage cheese, okay. i said that they were colluding with the u.s. geological survey to conceal listening devices at the bottom of each and every delicious tub, okay. but as i have learned, as you can see, there is nothing in here. there's no listening device. just sweet-- mmm-- creamy kurds, okay. also, in case of permanent windburn. it makes the most amazing, most
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soothing shaving cream you can imagine. look at that. like shaving a baby. if you're going to shave your baby-- which i highly recommend rm-- do not use anything by the jerkins corporation, jerkins has a listening device right in the pump handle and the only way to destroy the listening device is with your stomach enzymes. wooooo! i can see forever! ( laughter ) brain fight, brought to you by casper-- not the internet mattress company. i'm talking about the adolescent ghost you can summon to protect your daughter from immigrant boyfriends. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, tuck.
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we'll be right back with jennifer garner. he's a good man. you might not ever just stand there, looking at it. you may never even sit in the back seat. yeah, but maybe you should. ♪ (laughter) ♪
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. ( cheers and applause ) welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. i'm awfully excited. my first guest is the golden globe winning actor you know from "alias" and i know as an extremely reliable babysitter. she now stars in the film, "wakefield." please welcome jennifer garner! ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: it's so nice to have you here. >> thank you. >> stephen: i have wanted to sit across a desk from you for so long. >> i know. it really has been a long time. >> stephen: well, let's quickly tell the people here how we know each other. >> yes i'm sure they remember. >> stephen: sure, you must remember-- >> i'm sure you guys must remember-- we were both guest stars in an episode of "spin city." you all saw it, right? >> stephen: 1996, something like that. >> 1996. >> stephen: 1996, back when "spin city" was rocking. >> it was. it was a big deal. i was a cat lady -- >> stephen: you were the girlfriend of one of the cast members. >> and who were you? you wore a suit glifs like the governor's assistant or something like that. >> and i had maybe 10 lines in the episode and you had -- >> stephen: two. >> two! right here, right here, baby. >> stephen: you were the big star. >> right. >> stephen: so at the wrap party when the whole thing is over, for that week's episode, you said, "well, i'm out of a job." and i said,"i'm out of a job,
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too." and i said, "and i have a baby." and you said... >> i baby sit. >> stephen: so you started baby-sitting. >> see how it went. >> stephen: for me and this is-- this is how you survive as an actress. >> by the way, did evy ever learn italian? i>> stephen: oh, yes, she dshe did. she took italian classes. >> i bab sat on italian classes night. >> stephen: all she remembers i think is mi marito. >> i traded off with my roommate depending on who was working in the restaurant-- karina who is still bestie. godmother to my kids. >> stephen: hi. >> hi. >> stephen: and then one day you came and you said, "i got a new agent!" >> yes. >> stephen: he wants me-- >> to go to l.a. and i did. >> stephen: and we said-- >> bye. >> stephen: that poor thing. because you were so nice-- you are so nice. you're not formerly nice. you're present nice. >> by the way-- "you were so
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nice!" >> stephen: we thought los angeles will devour her. you were, like, straight from west virginia. >> it did, yes tdevoured me. but i'm okay. i'm all right. but i just remember your gorgeous little girl. she was such a peanut. she was really smart. she was very -- >> stephen: he still is. >> she was very verbal and very -- >> stephen: she still is. >> she was. and she was precocious and adorable. and i remember the two of us, like, going into your drawers, and trying on your clothes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you don't have any photos of that or anything, do you? no? so you go out to l.a., and we're like, "okay, that's it, we'll never hear from jennifer garner again. she's very talented and everything but too nice for los angeles." >> i that you want the same thing. >> stephen: a few years passed by, and you had done some work. i come out of the lincoln tunnel, and there eight stories on the side of a building on 42nd street is you in the "alias" in a red wig, in the
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gray cat suit, like, doing this thing. looking you know, super sexy. and i pretty much drove up on the sidewalk. and when i got to bodega to get my coff they morning for work, it was, like, the "tv guide" had the same picture. >> isn't that the coolest? i mean, imagine, that moment when things shift for you like that, when you go from, you know, baby sitting and struggling to all of a sudden being-- that was really fun. >> stephen: and everybody must have known that that was going to be a huge breakout role for you because you were everywhere. >> well, it was j.j. abrams. he kind of knows what he's doing. >> stephen: so i buy the "tv guide" and i take it home and i cover your name on it. you have the red wing and the cat suit. >> come on. >> stephen: and i showed it to evy-- i never told you this story? >> no. >> stephen: and i showed it to evy-- my wife and i said, "guess who that is?" she said, "i don't know, someone on 'the daily show." and i took my finger off and she said, "oh, that's jen." and i said, "yes." and she said, "she wasn't hot."
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( laughter ) ( applause ) and i said, "yes, she was." ( laughter ) and she said, "you never said anything." and i said, "what am i supposed to say? 'have you noticed how hot the baby-sitter isn't?" >> that doesn't go over well. >> stephen: doesn't go over well. does not go over well. >> wise, wise. >> stephen: you are known to be, like, one of the most trusted and most likable people in hollywood. what's-- i'm not sure what's happening right now. >> i don't want anything to pop out. >> stephen: people sort of trust the endorsements that you do. >> that's nice. >> stephen: could i ask you a favor as an old friend? >> absolutely. >> stephen: would you mind looking at the camera and endorsing this show for the people out there and just saying, "i'm jennifer garner, and i think you might enjoy the show and what's in your wallet in? >> sure.
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>> stephen: whatever you want to say. >> okay, stephen colbert is someone that you can have faith in, to bring you evening entertainment that you will laugh at, learn from, and enjoy. welcome to the 'stephen colbert show'. except now it's called... "the late show" with stephen colbert." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: super bowl ratings! you're the best. >> i charge for that, by the way. >> stephen: you have the new film called "wakefield." >> yes. >> stephen: are you play-- if i get this right-- dana wakefield. >> yes. >> stephen: and your husband, howard wakefield is played by-- >> bryan cranston! >> stephen: bryan cranston, all right. and what is it about? it's a little bit of an odd story. >> it's a fascinating story. it's all about bryan cranston's performance, which if you say you don't need to hear anything more than that, right, he's so amazing. but basically, he's a guy who works in the city, lives in connecticut, he's on the train
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home one night and she just thinks, "i can't bear to walk into my house again. i can't go back into the routine with my wife and my two daughters. i can't listen to them talk about the same mundane things." so he ends up going into the attic of our house, which is above our garage, and from the window in our attic, he can look into the kitchen window of the house, and he starts watching, and he lives up there fair year. >> stephen: and you don't know he's up there. >> we don't know he's there. so he's hiding, he's living like a vagrant, coming down at night-- you'll-- you know, kind of scrounging around the neighborhood in the garbage. and he-- but he lives watching his family. and you only see us through-- from his point of view. so you hardly hear us talk. >> stephen: but next scene is the scene between you and bryan. >> yes, besides here, besides right now, where you will see us before-- it's kind a flash back to what our relationship was like right before he decide to be an attic liver. >> stephen: okay.
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( laughter ) jim. >> i'm so sick of this, this constant surveillance. you-- >> whoa, whoa, whoa. >> you have muzzled me to the point where i can't carry on a conversation with other parents. i barely relate to people anymore. >> you were relating to him, weren't you? >> what do you not see? i mean, do you think i'd be even remotely inclined to start up with anyone given the relationship we have. all i want is to get through the day. that's what i think about, just... get through the day. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: very tense. that's an intense scene. >> it was an intense scene. >> stephen: did you guys do anything to-- did you do any acting exercises? >> this was a tiny movie on a teeny tiny budget. and usually where you are-- if you're doing something as intimate as this movie, because you really had to believe this marriage in order for it to
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play-- even though we're not together-- you know, you have to really believe there's a connection between these people,ing and we did dhave a love scene. so you had to kind of-- there was an intimacy thing there. and so the director, robin swicord, said "i learned about this model that we can use to kind of make intimacy happen quickly." not what you're thinking. ( laughter ) but it is very interesting and unique, and i think i should tell you about it. so we got together at this house, and bryan and i had to stand and stare into each other's eyes fair long time, like an uncomfortably long time. and she was talking to us about, "imagine this person as a baby. imagine this personaise six-year-old." so we're staring at each other and we're trying not to giggle. then we had to sit on the floor back to back and rub backs on each other. it's so uncomfortable. then we're touching hands. and then she had him remove my socks and look at my feet!
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and then we had to stand next to each other and sniff each other. you're looking at me like it's as strange as -- >> stephen: no, no, that's what i thought it would be. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, it was lovely to see you again. >> it was so nice to see you. >> stephen: if i can ever return the favor, if you need any baby-sitting. >> i do! >> stephen: you do? >> i have 17 children. that's what i feel like. >> stephen: are they in the city with you? >> no. >> stephen: all right, then let's go party. >> i would love it. >> stephen: evy says hi. "wakefield" is in theaters today. jennifer garner, everybody. we'll be right back with comedian demetri martin. this is hashtag amazing.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a comedian who wrote, directed, and stars in the new movie "dean." >> i can't liver there. it's ridiculous. it makes no sense for me to stay there. it's too big? >> it's too big? >> yeah. >> could you just, like, not use all the rooms or something. maybe you could, like, i don't know, cover up the furniture with sheets, don't go in there. >> like i'm a countess? >> i don't know. i think this is hasty. we need to talk about this. i grew up there. i don't want to sell our house. >> dean, it ( music playing ) oh, my god! that's my phone. sorry. here we go. i'm-- i'm-- i can't talk now. i'm with my son. you see, i'm busy. >> it can't see you. it's more of a voice thing.
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>> stephen: please welcome demetri martin. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hey. >> how are you? >> stephen: good, nice to see you again. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: it's been a white whooil burnght people may not know this that you and i were both correspondents on "the daily show. of. >> yes, one of us was more successful at it, but we were both. >> stephen: just longer. when did you first start there? >> i started there as an intern. i think it was, like, '97. >> stephen: that's when i-- >> yeah -- >> stephen: so that was back in the craig kilburn days. >> i think a couple of months before you started. i'm not pulling rank or anything but i have seniority -- >> stephen: you understand. you come before me in the library of congress catalog. >> i'm sorry, i couldn't make it to the reunion. >> stephen: sorry, yeah, no
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problem. thank you very much. i heard you dropped out of law school to be a performer. >> yes. >> stephen: why did you do that? >> i was feeling like my family was getting kind of proud of me and, like, a little close to being proud of me. and i was like... >> stephen: law school, that would have made them proud? >> yeah, so i thought, comedian, that should fix things. ( laughter ). >> stephen: did they worry? did they worry, like, what are you doing with your life? >> yeah, yeah. people were really disappointed. ( laughter ) it's kind of freedom, though. i think disapproval is kind of freedom in a way. once you disappoint people, you can kind of do anything-- you want to be a dancer, a poet. you know what i mean? >> stephen: sure, because everything is a step up. >> i think so -- >> stephen: from comedian, everything is a step up. >> that's true, that's true. >> stephen: you're famous for short jokes. >> yes. >> stephen: simple, shot jokes. >> that's a kind word "famous." i tell short jokes. >> stephen: you're renowned for it. >> i'm taig that. >> stephen: do you have a favorite shortest joke. >> henny youngman famously did,
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"take my wife,lease." that's four words. that's pretty good. right? okay, good. i don't have-- i tried to write a four-word joke, and it doesn't-- it doesn't really work so i probably shouldn't say it on tv but this is the best i have of a four-word joke-- cannibals make me dinner. >> stephen: that's pre good. that's pretty good. >> thank you. ( applause ) that's what i need. yeah, thanks. i'm not saying that's a great joke, but -- >> stephen: you're also known for your drawings. >> yes. >> stephen: are these in a particular order. >> yeah, these are steskly-- i worked this out. this will minimize awkward silence. >> stephen: i like awkward silence, though. >> yeah, that's where i live, so that's okay. ( laughter ) this is-- what i like about drawings is you can do jokes with just-- with no words sometimes or just, like, a shape or something. this was my first kind of comedy drawing i did years ago. and this is-- i call this cinnamon roll or dog (bleep).
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if you look at that, it's kind of a p.o.v. thing. >> stephen: it's up to you. kind of a glass half empty. i'll take that. >> so the letter "m." when i started drawing, i started to notice, you know, you see things that maybe you didn't see before. the letter "m," i never had trouble with the letter "m." it's fine. but dithink about it, and i felt like there was an emotional feeling i got from an "m," kind of uneasy. >> and didn't know why. but then i realized what it was, and the "m" kind of has an aggression to it. it looks like-- you know what i mean, kind of a guy's crotch. spread eag glel or welcoming. >> the "w" is even worse, i say. because it's kind of a face plant, bony ass kind of thing. you can also explore information with drawings, data. this is a bar graph. so this would be how interesting you find your children. and this is how interesting i i find your children. ( applause ) you can see it's kind of-- as it should be. it shouldn't be the opposite, if
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you think about it. >> stephen: that's true, that's true. >> this is a little more elaborate. this is praying. this is how much people pray based on the location they're in. in church people play a pretty good amount. in a locker room before a championship game. in court. kneeling before the toilet is off the charts. that's where people pray the most. and in a jacuzzi, very little. people don't look for god. this is things that pray. this is people and mantises. so it's ceend of a tie. ( laughter ) this is kind of cool. this is a drawing of skull and crossbones when he was still alive. so this is before-- ( laughter ) kind of like a-- ( applause ) all right, cool. >> stephen: happier days. >> we're grown men and we're doing this. okay, here we go. so this is-- i thought this would be a good sign for a strip club during the day time.
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"sorry, we're clothed." ( laughter ). >> stephen: that's a three-word joke right there. >> so finally, this is kind of some more information here. so pets, it's interesting to me, if you have one pet, that's okay. you have a pet, great. you're living with an animal great. you have four, i think you're kind of desperate once you get to four pets. 32, you're crazy. i think with 32 animals that's a crazy person. what's interesting is teeth are the direct opposite. 32 okay. 1 crazy. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: there it is. >> thanks, stephen. >> stephen: "dean" opens june 2. demetri martin, everybody. we'll be right back with paula poundstone.
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♪ ♪ ( applause ) hey, everybody, welcome back. my next guest is a fantastic stand-up comedian and regular panelist on "wait wait... don't tell me."
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please welcome, paula poundstone! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) come on up. ♪ ♪ >> hey! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: well, as i said-- >> thank you. >> stephen: i've been a fan-- i've been a fan forever. >> well, thank you so much. that's nice to hear. >> stephen: i don't know how many times i saw you on dave over the years. >> well, i don't know, either. >> stephen: you've also been on "wait wait... don't tell me," the great. ( cheers and applause ). >> thank you. >> stephen: public radio show which i listen to every week, never miss it. you've been over 200 times, i think. >> you know, i don't know how many times i've been on the show. >> stephen: you don't? >> no, i don't. >> stephen: we have a research department and it says 201 times. that's over 200. >> what i do know, there's a lovely man named lynn fom, who keeps the stats. he's just a guy. he's not hired by the show. he just-- he's a guy on twitter,
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and he keeps the stats. and i believe i'm correct in saying they hold the record for losses on "wait wait... don't tell me." >> stephen: okay. you're the least-informed panelist on "wait wait... don't tell me." >> here's the thing. it would be a great job if the others didn't cheat, but they do cheat. rox 18 roberts usually wins but her answers are afghanistan other afghanistan, and lemurs down his pants. >> stephen: how do you prep? to be just uninformed enough to lose, how do you prep? >> it's not easy. i have to remove the knowledge that i go in with. ( laughter ) and i do that by reading-- i'm actually embarrassed to say what i read eye read the "new york post" which normally -- >> stephen: that will take it right out of your brain. >> i'm telling you, as soon as i can get it into the recycle, i do. the reason i use it is because i can carry it on the airplane and it opens out like this. and i can control it. like, i've recently started reading "the new york times," and it's just too big for me! i open it on the airplane and
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it's like an "i love lucy" thing. it goes into the aisles. it blocks it's pilot comes on and says, "put that newspaper away." it just -- >> stephen: you get, like, an ipad. you can read it on your phone now or like an ipad-- >> don't believe in it. ( cheers and applause ) it's not good for you! >> stephen: well, okay. let's talk about a good project you have here. it's called "the totally unscientific study of the search for human happiness." >> can i ask you a question? just before you did that, there was, like, a piano chord. was that some sort of riewsky signal you're giving yourself there? what is that? >> stephen: jon, why did you play that piano chord? >> jon: i felt like it. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon, you come from jazz, don't you? >> jon: yes. >> yeah. that's thing with the jazz musician. they'll just feel it and do it. doesn't matter when. >> stephen: that's true. >> they'll just pick up a thing and blow into it. ( laughter ) weren't you blowing into, like, a keyboard thing before?
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>> jon: yeah, yeah, it's leak a harmonica keyboard thing. >> oh, you're supposed to blow! i just pictured your mom going, "put that down! that's a keyboard!" ( laughter ). >> stephen: he's allowed to. >> you probably hyperventilated blowing in it to the piano when you were a kid. stop blowing-- >> jon: it don't have a hole they can get to, to blow into it. otherwise, i'd do that, too. >> you were a little boy. you could have drilled one. that's what kids do. "mom i drilled a hole in the piano so i could blow it!" sorry. >> stephen: getting back to the book. ( laughter ) ( applause ) anything ultimate to say-- >> i do, i do. >> stephen: what is your unscientific search for happiness and why do you need to do one? >> well, because for science, for mankind. every chapter in my book is a different experiment doing something that i or other people thought would make me happy. and each chapter is written as a
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science experiment. there's the hypothesis and the conditionconditions and variable on and on. but the question for me-- hopefully the funniest field notes ever rin because it's number one job is to be funny. but the question for me wasn't weather doing something would be enjoyable, but rather what could i do that would give me a lasting umbrella, if you will, for the inevitable rains of one's regular life. so the analysis section of every chapter is the story of me and my regular life-- raising my kids in a house full of animals and being a stand-up comic for a living-- which i just found out is one of the low points of show biz. >> stephen: comedy is just not respected. >> it came to me in the dressing room. i was all excited about my job, and then i found out, bottom of the barrel! ( laughter ) somewhere underneath the yogurt. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: we've got to go,
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unfortunately. we have to do the thing. >> we have to go-- usually when you're going to go didn't doesn't he play? doesn't he blow into a banjo or something when it's time to go nchtd he only plays when he feels like it. >> that's the weirdest-- you never know when he's going to do a chord. >> stephen: no, and i love it. it always fits in my opinion. >> jon: that's why i get paid. >> that's why he gets paid. he gets paid by the notes so he just keeps slipping in notes. >> stephen: "the totally unscientific study of the search for human happiness" is available now. for human happiness" is available now. paula poundstone, everybody.,,,,
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late show. join me next week when i'll be joined by kevin spacey, rachel maddow, and paul simon. now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from an invisible radio station in enumclaw, washington, give it up for your host, the one, the o


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