tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 9, 2018 11:35pm-12:38am PST
nba up top.... he warriors... late show is next. >> have a great weekend. take care. captioning sponsored by cbs >> the blue wave may not have been a tsunami. but the pink wave ushered in over 100 women to the house of representatives. a new record. ♪ ♪ >> your congressional body and you. hey there, congressman. guess what? your congressional body is almost 240 years old now, and it's going through some changes. tlybut don't worry, it natural. where you used to have hairless men, your congressional body will sprout something new: women. you'll notice gradual changes: an enlargement of support for reproductive rights, sudden
development of fair-pay legislation, and a dramatic loss of creepy winking. of course, you will have to deal with bloating, mood swings, and fits of irrational anger. >> you are a rude, terrible person. >> but don't be afraid, congress. you're on your way to becoming a more mature representative body. happy legislating. and, remember, don't pull your penis out. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, potus in paris. plus, stephen welcomes: alexander skarsgard triumph the insult comic dog and musical guest big red machine featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: hey! please! that is-- jon, you know what that is? that's a friday crowd right there. that's a friday crowd. ( cheers and applause ) i can lean against it. i i can lean against it. welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. happy friday! ( cheers and applause ) give it up for yourself. we made it! i hope everyone has big plans for the weekend. donald trump does. he's going to paris. or as trump describes it: >> paris is no longer paris. >> stephen (as trump): " you are no longer paris. by the power vested in me by no one, i hereby rename you, 'furry armpit junction.'" ( laughter ) trump is in-- he's over there-- he's over there because he wants
that military parade, right. he is over there for a big military parade that will mark the 100th anniversary of the world war i armistice. in honor of america's service in the great war, we sent our biggest doughboy. ( laughter ) ( applause ) as i said, trump really wanted his own military parade, but it's been postponed until at least 2019, which will give the pentagon enough time to complete their new f-13 garfield. ( laughter ) but things could get tense between trump and macron, because france is opposed to new u.s. sanctions against iran, which trump announced last week on twitter, with this meme: "sanctions are coming." although, when it comes to "game of thrones" references, i prefer the trump family motto: "a trump never pays his debts." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) now, it may be tense-- it might
be tense over there, but trump will have at least one ally in paris: russian president vladimir putin, okay. it makes sense, it makes sense that putin is going to meet donald trump in paris. he's usually involved when trump's around someone going, "oui, oui!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) allegedly. allegedly. >> jon: wow! >> stephen: allegedly. but when asked if he was going to meet with putin while in paris, trump told reporters "probably not," explaining, "we haven't set anything up yet." (as trump): " whatever happens, happens. we don't want to make the event too formal. the dress code is 'collusion casual.'" ( laughter ) now for a change, for a change, let's talk about something that's not in the news: the caravan! ♪ ♪
thanks. i went into the spin too late. i went to the spin too late. for those too you young to remember the caravan, a week ago it was all anybody could talk about. >> thousands upon thousands of migrants literally marching to the u.s. in what would be a mass invasion. >> they are coming in with diseases such as smallpox and leprosy and t.b. that are going to infect our people. >> gang activity, gang members in those caravans. >> dangerous criminals. >> it's not a caravan. it's an invasion. >> it is a full-scale invasion by a hostile force. >> stephen: and now, it's gone. ( laughter ) i mean, how is that possible? who got rid of the caravan? could it be... the caravan? ♪ ♪ ( applause ) i can't do that.
i can't do the... ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: i like that spin! i like that spin! >> stephen: can't do that-- can't do that at the end of a week like this. now, in fact, i counted how many times they talked about the caravan on "fox & friends." well, technically, i had my footage department do it. i can't watch "fox & friends," because my doctor says it's just horrible. ( laughter ) anyway, this is true, in the six days leading up to the election, they used the word "caravan" an average of 21 times per episode. then, the day after the midterms, "fox & friends" only mentioned it once. yeah. it was huge for, like, a week, and now nothing. it's the tide pod challenge of american politics. ( laughter ) except tide pods will actually kill you. and i know many of us feel like we've aged several years in just the past year.
but at least one person says he's going in the other direction, because in the netherlands, a 69-year-old man asked the government to be legally declared 49. why would you change ages at 69?! you just got to the only funny number. ( laughter ) the man in question is life coach and man who got a new beard trimmer for christmas, emile ratelband. he says he wants to lose 20 years because "if you're 69 on tinder, you're outdated." um, emile, i don't know how to break this to you, but if you're 49 on tinder, you're also outdated. ( laughter ) your choices are e-harmony, farmersonly.com, or put on a suit and try your luck at the local library. now, i know what you're saying, "tinder has a feature for people
who are old. it's called lying." but emile doesn't want to lie, because "if you lie, you have to remember everything you say." and he's having trouble remembering things, because, again, he's 69 years old! ( laughter ) ( applause ) but emile insists, emile insists -- sure, why not? give it up for the guy. he doesn't have long. but emile insists that these days, we can be whoever we want. "we can make our own decisions if we want to change our name, if we want to change our gender. my feeling about my body and about my mind is that i'm about 40 or 45." good luck with that argument out on the dating scene. "no, no, no. you don't understand. i identify as being attractive to you." ( laughter ) okay? "see how you're the problem? you see?" ( applause ) and i get it, emile. i identify as the 30-year-old version of me.
then every morning i look in the mirror and i scream "who are you? how did you get in here? are you okay? who did this to you?" ( laughter ) moisturize! of course, we need to address the major scandal currently rocking the armed forces; namely, that two marine corps pilots are currently under investigation for their part in "a sky penis flight pattern." "sky penis," of course, was the worst marvel character ever. ( laughter ) his nemesis was "coldpool." >> jon: aahhh! >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you very much. thank you very much. a coldpool fan back there. apparently, these marines flew in patterns which, when the tracking data was plotted, draws a penis. and here's how good these pilots are: their drawing was so accurate, cbs made us blur it! ( laughter )
( applause ). >> jon: wow! >> stephen: honest to god. >> jon: whoa! >> stephen: right? ( applause ) >> jon: we had to blur the thing? >> stephen: i also want to point out these guys did it directly over the salton sea in california, which is also penis-shaped, so, jimmy, blur that one, too. but we shouldn't punish these pilots. we should celebrate them. i believe nothing will lift a nation's spirits like looking up to see a giant penis in the sky. ( applause ) long may it wave. now that the midterms are over, now that the midterms are over, we've got that done, we can focus on an infinitely more important power struggle happening in our nation's capital: the fact that the national zoo's naked. mole-rats still have not chosen their queen. of course, this is a position
that's been empty since the white house hired stephen miller. ( laughter ) so many questions. >> jon: that's cold-blooded! >> stephen: cold-blooded? thank you very much. who will be naked mole-rat queen? and what kinds of royal intrigue will she face once she's coronated? are you listening, netflix? this needs to be season four of "the crown." ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. alexander skarsgard is here! but first, i'm going to show you a cartoon! stick around! ♪ blue skies smiling at me nothing but blue skies ♪ ♪ ♪
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>> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. give it up for jon batiste and stay human. >> jon: it's a blue wave this week! >> stephen: jon, i know a lot of people are tired, a lot of people are pissed off and swollen right now, but tuesday gave me a lot of hope for the future of america. because not only was it the election, it was also the launch date of "whose boat is this boat?." it tells the story of donald trump's visit to north carolina in the wake of hurricane florence in his own... i want to say words? of course, all of "the late show" proceeds go to disaster relief for victims of hurricanes florence and michael. now, some of you might be saying, "stephen, i don't like books. do you have a book, but instead of words, there are sounds, and instead of reading it, you can
watch it on tv?" a lot of people say that, jon. well, you're in luck, because "who's boat is this boat?" is now an animated holiday classic. ( cheers and applause ) tonight, i present to you "whose boat is this boat?: a late show hurricane relief spectacular." jim? >> hello, america. it's me, your uncle sam. a lot sure has changed in this country since donald trump took office. it sure has taken its toll on me. and to make it worse, just this fall, u.s.a. was struck by two massive hurricanes. first it was hurricane florence. that darn hurricane whipped up a mighty mess all over the carolinas. and the weary survivors looked to their president for leadership. so old donald trump looked deep into his heart, and knew what he had to do. >> oh. >> he got in a car to get on a
helicopter to get on a plane to get back into a car to talk about a boat. i'm telling you, he wouldn't shut up about this one boat. and here, i'm not making this up, is exactly what he had to say. ♪ whose boat is this boat? whoooo-oooose boat? ♪ >> yeah, yeah. is this your boat? or did it become your boat? ( sigh ) >> that boat is wiped out. or not. >> huh? >> wouldn't want to cross the ocean in it. yeah, yeah. do you know whose boat that is? they don't know whose boat that is. to see what we're seeing, this boat, i don't know what happened, but, this boat just
came here. ♪ ♪ at least you got a nice boat out of the deal. have a good time! bing bong-bing-bing-bing bong. bing-bong-bing. >> the end. there is no moral. but if you're feeling moral, this story is available as a nice picture book, and all "the lat"thelate show's"" proceeds go hurricane relief. i'm uncle sam, and i sure would like it if you picked up a copy of this book. >> sam i-- i think we need to retake that last line. >> no, i'm not going to say that. >> sam, this is for hurricane relief. ( sighs ). >> i'm uncle sam, and i want you to buy this book today. >> we got it. thanks, sam. >> you know, i have range. i can dance! ♪ i want you i want you ♪ where are you going. ♪ whose boat is this boat?
whoooo-seboat ♪ >> stephen: "whose boat is this boat?: a late show hurricane relief spectacular" will be available for purchase exclusively on itunes now, and all "late show" proceeds will go to hurricane relief. we'll be right back with alexander skarsgard. ( cheers and applause ) lights in every room, go all out because everything comes down damage free. hallelujah! command. do. no harm.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to "the late show" "p" ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is an emmy-winning actor you know from "big little lies" and "true blood." starting next week, you can see him in amc's "the little drummer girl." please welcome back to "the late show,"" alexander skarsgard.
♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. >> thank you, sir. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> very excited to be back. >> stephen: we have not had you on the show since you won an emmy and a golden globe for "big little lies." congratulations. >> thank you very much, thank you. >> stephen: that's really nice. ( applause ) everybody knows you're from a storied acting family. has anyone else in your family won an emmy? >> no. ( laughter ). >> stephen: so you get to lord that over your family. ( clears throat ) do you wear it on a chain around your neck because that's what i would do. >> no. >> stephen: you can't do that? >> no, i was-- i was born and
raised in sweden, and we have something in sweden called the law of junta. it's a real thing. and it basically means don't think you're special. it's more like a code of conduct. but it translates to, yeah, no-- don't think you're special. just know -- >> stephen: don't brag. >> no ostentatious flaunting of your accolades or brag about your achievements or anything. >> stephen: try not to be too happy. >> yeah. so if you ever-- like, if something great happens or you achieve something, swedes get very embarrassed and they apologize. >> stephen: and at the law of junta. what's junta mean? >> it's fiction. it's a small town, i believe in denmark, in a short story from the 1930s. and it was-- denmark fans out there. ( applause ) >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> i'm from sweden, so you might
want to keep it down. ( laughter ) yeah. and people in this town just, you know, you keep each other in place, like, don't think you're special. like, don't-- that's why, like, the founder of ikea, famously drove a volvo 244, like, until he died. he might have died in the car. i don't know. >> stephen: you're not supposed to be flash. >> no flash. you won't find gold hummers or anything like that in sweden. >> stephen: what about the of royal family. they have crowns and they have robes. >> think it's slightly schizophrenic for them because theatre royal family, but they're also swedes. so they're like, "hey, i'm the king. sorry." ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: well, i feel bad-- i'll tell you what i feel sorry about is the year that you won was not this year but the year before was the emmys that i was hosting. and you came to the after-party that i threw, and i-- and i saw
you. and i did not know you had won because when you're hosting, you actually don't get to watch. you're prepping for the next thing you're doing, so i don't know who's winning. and i certainly am a fan, and i thought you should have won. but i saw you at the party afterwards. and i said, "hey, did you have a good time tonight?" >> i remember that. >> stephen: and you said, "yeah." ( laughter ) >> well, you know, what? you were the only person that didn't make me uncomfortable that night. because everyone else was. >> audience: oohh! >> stephen: stephen! no, because of the good old-- i was uncomfortable because people congratulated me and i didn't know how to deal with that and i couldn't take it. so i was very-- and it was refreshing andica thargtic to meet you because you have no idea. "are you having fun tonight. welcome to my party." >> stephen: i felt terrible. >> you shouldn't. >> stephen: you could have said, "i won." >> no, i would never do that!
( laughter ) and then i didn't know what-- ( laughter ) i didn't know what to do with the trophies because that was also, like, a big thing of, like, how do i as a swede-- i'm, obviously, very proud of them. but i'm a swede, so i can't, like, just put them up on the mantelpiece or display them so i kept them at a friend's place for a couple of months, and i brought them over my place in a hidden suitcase. and then i put them nay closet for a couple of months. then i thought this is ridiculous. >> stephen: you're ashamed. >> and i'm not. i love my little trophies. so i can't put them on the bookshelves. so i'm still struggling with it. >> stephen: maybe dress them up. dress them up as something so they're there, but people can't recognize the emmy. >> i actually even tried that. i thought if i hang a flag or something on it, it looks like it's-- or a coat hanger.
but then-- and then it kept me up at night, and then i realized, oh, this is what i'm struggling with in my life as a hollywood actor. ( laughter ) i don't eye don't know where to put my accolades. there's, like, so much pain and suffering in the world, and i feel terrible because-- and then i started to loathe myself abuse, like, these are the issues in my life at the moment. >> stephen: that way lies greatness. and madness. ( laughter ). >> well, i-- i touched the madness, not so much the greatness. >> stephen: but, you know, i can understand you might have a little trouble with hollywood fame because you're just some guy from sweden, right? you served in the military over there, which is-- is that compulsory? >> it used to be. it's not now, not anymore. >> stephen: was it when you were doing it? >> it was kind of on the cusp. you could get out of it, if you wanted to. >> stephen: you just say, "i don't feel like it?" >> pretty much. i had friends who kind of-- basically said, like, "no,
thanks." ( laughter ) yeah. and the government would be like, other, that's cool." >> stephen: what did you train to be? >> it's called sect yut. security and hunt. >> stephen: security and hunt? >> yeah, our job was to secure the island, it's a small unit, part of the royal navy, but we're land based and it's basically to secure the islands. >> stephen: some like special forces. like really highly trained military fighting? >> i applied because it looked like a james bond, the little booklet i read. it looked bad-ass. >> stephen: there's a booklet? >> yeah. >> stephen: i don't think james bond came way brochure. "so you want to be a member of m.i.6?" >> that's how they recruit it. young bond was recruited with a booklet, with picture s. >> stephen: can you explain to me what this is?
i've been told this is an important thing for someone who was in the swedish military. what is this that i have in my hand? >> it's unique to my unit. weert only ones allowed to wear that. so and this is -- >> stephen: this and old men fishing in america. ( laughter ) what-- what-- what is-- i think woody allen wears one of these. what-- what is this? >> he actually served in that unit back in the day. a little-known fact. >> stephen: that's how he got to know bergman. what is this? who is the specialness of this? >> it's a hat. no, it's-- yeah, they dropped us in the woods for what felt like six months, but i think it was 10 days, and it was like a survival course where you basically had to-- there were different stations -- >> stephen: by yourself? >> the unit, yeah, it was me and three other guys. >> stephen: what time of year? >> winter. >> stephen: winter in sweden. that-- >> and then there were different-- it was like an ambush, and then they held us hostage. and you're, obviously, like, sleep deprived and you don't
eat. at one point i remember we had to assemble a canoe. and that was horrible because we had been weak for a week, and we were starving and we're from the land ikea, so we should be able to do that. ( laughter ). >> stephen: did it come with an alan wrench, the canoe? that's the problem. >> it took us nine hours to do that. and it was-- yeah, it was horrible. but it was all worth it, because they gave me a hat at the end of it. >> stephen: so you earned the hat by doing that. >> i earned the hat. >> stephen: congratulations? >> thank you. >> stephen: put this over the emmy and no one will see. plawf's ( applause ) i understand-- we've got to go here in a minute and i want to talk about "the little drummer girl." i understand you're a sailor now? did you some-- a big ocean sail? >> i-- i would not call myself a sailor. i-- i had an opportunity to cross the atlantic on a sailboat
with people who knew what they were doing. ( laughter ). >> stephen: it would help if you were a sailor. it would help if you were a sailor on a sailboat >> didn't help that much on the boat, but i was part of it, and that was great. >> stephen: what ports did you sail from? >> from ventura off the coast of africa, to the caribbean. >> stephen: okay. and-- and-- i've done a little bit of ocean sailing. i've done, about 1,000 mielsz of open ocean sailing. >> okay. >> stephen: it's very spooky out there. >> yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: because you're alone. >> well, yeah, so, for like eight-- it took about three weeks, and for eight days we didn't see another ship. and it's easy to go down the rabbit hole if you start thinking about the fact we're completely alone. you have no hospital around here. if you have a burst appendix, you're done, there's nothing -- >> stephen: sure, you think of all the ways i could die before help could get to me. seriously, you think about that all the time. >> at one point, there was no wind and we were stuck for a
little bit. >> stephen: that's the worst because you go super squirrelly in the head. >> this is a true story. an ocean turtle passed us when we were 700 miles from land, this little guy, just swam past us. and we're like, "that's great." ( laughter ). >> stephen: so the new movie is called "the little drummer girl." what's it about? >> so, it's a six-part limited series. i think it's going to air as three two-hour movies here on amc. it's already on the bbc, the second episode aired last night. it's about a young act resfrom the u.k. on a vacation in greece. and she meets a man on that island, and an innigmatic dude. it starts out as a budding romance, but it turns out he's a spy and he has a different plan for her. >> stephen: and we have a
clip. >> if i'm going to do this, i have to know what it is i'm deciding to do. >> and in order to know, you first have to decide. >> well, that's just marvelous. this job, is it dangerous? >> incredibly. this is the secret world, charlie. are you in or out? >> who am i? >> you. >> stephen: don't do it. don't do it. >> that dude is trouble. ( applause ) >> stephen: well, so nice to see you again. >> you, too. >> stephen: "the little drummer
girl" premieres next monday on amc. alexander skarsgard, everybody! . allstate is adapting. with drones to assess home damage sooner. and if a flying object damages your car, you can snap a photo and get your claim processed in hours, not days. plus, allstate can pay your claim in minutes. now that you know the truth... are you in good hands? ♪ music ♪laying ♪ ♪
and all through the house 'twas the night before christmas not a creature was stirring, but everywhere else... there are stores open late for shopping and fun as people seek gifts or even give some. not necessarily wrapped with paper and bows, but gifts of kind deeds, hard work and cold toes. there's magic in the air, on this day, at this time. the world's very much alive at 11:59. i switched to sprint because they have a great network and i knew i'd save a ton of money. sprint's nationwide lte advanced network is now up to 2x faster than when i switched. and their total lte coverage is 30% larger. that's big news!! don't forget unlimited. sprint's unlimited can save you nearly $1000 in the first year over verizon and at&t. just think what you can do with all that extra money. (vo) up to two times faster than before.
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between ted cruz and beto o'rourke on this very show. here's a sample. >> i want to say to triumph, my advice is walk away and just remember-- it wasn't the republicans. it was the democrats that took you into the vet to get fixed. and there is freedom on the other side. >> i support-- hey, i support spaying and neutering, just like trump did to you! i kid! >> stephen: please welcome back to "the late show,"" triumph the insummit comic dog. thanks for being here, triumph. >> hi, stephen. it's great to be paid to be here. >> stephen: well, triumph, thanks for covering the race. but despite your cutting insults, ted cruz still won down in texas. >> i know! who would have thought comedians i couldn't effect the elections >> stephen: well, don't blame yourself. >> i don't. i blame you. you're the one who's on every
bleep night. >> stephen: there's no need for that kind of language. >> come on! if we can't change the election, we're just licking ourselves up here. ( laughter ) >> stephen: some nights i wish i could. some nights i wish i could. did you think that beto could never win down there? what do you think the problem was? >> it's texas, okay. let's face it. texas is a red state. a pile of armadillo crap could win in texas as long as it was a republican. and that's exactly what happened. ( laughter ) you see, you get it because ted is animal (bleep). he did give an emotional speech and it got some attention because he used a fleeting profanity. >> yes, yes, oh, yes. beto said a swear word on tv. can you imagine! a senatorial candidate cursing on stage like a common
president! ( laughter ) gla it's sad. >> think about it. >> stephen: sad is what it is. >> here's my opinion-- honestly, i think there's too much blame focused on beto for saying the "f" word in his speech and not enough credit being given to steve king for not saying the "n" word in his. ( laughter ) >> stephen: despite big turnout the republicans gained seats in the senate. >> yes, mitch mcconnell was the most satisfied he has felt since he paid off the entire mortgage on his shell. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes, yes, i understand. he looks like a turtle. >> indeed, he resembles one. did you know turtles actually have to pay mortgage on their shells? even though it's part of their bodies! thanks, obama! >> stephen: another okay, what about florida? a lot of people had high hopes
for the democrats. >> it was a disappointing time in florida, i have to say. they had high hopes. but at least they had that ballot initiative to allow ex-felons to vote. so, don junior, you might want to make mar-a-largo your primary residence. because he's going down! you see! ( applause ) >> stephen: so, who were you happy to see win last night? >> i have to say, j.b. pritzker, the new governor of illinois. can we see a picture? see that? >> stephen: there he is. >> it's been a hard time without chris christie for me. ( laughter ) look at that guy! j.b. pritzker creates a blue wave every time he jumps into a swimming pool. ( laughter ). >> stephen: he's a democrat. he's a democrat, yes. but pritzker says he will make government much smaller, but only in comparison to him. >> stephen: i think we get it. >> do you understand.
>> stephen: i get the drift of where this is going. he needs to lose a few pounds. >> he needs to lose some weight! >> stephen: i understand that even though you as a dog cannot vote, you helped encourage turnout. >> i'm a convicted felon. but i still-- yes. i-- i did want to encourage turnout. so on twitter, i invited my fans to take pictures of themselves-- this is true-- pictures of themselves voting, and then i would poop on them with #i votedpooponme. >> stephen: there's one guy who wrote, "i voted. i'm ready to be poopped on." >> yes, very sweet. so i replied, "i can tell two things by looking at you: you support a woman's right to choose, and it will never matter in your case." it's a good way to connect with the fans! >> stephen: hence, the pooping. there's the pooping. now, one of your fellow animals got in on it.
someone sent a picture of their cat. >> yes, some lady sent this, and i said, "right now that cat is looking at the sticker you stuck on it thinking, "this is why i am going to eat you when i die." >> stephen: that's very sweet. what did you have for this guy? >> this guy, oh, yes. i responded, "great. now go sober up, you have to go deliver toys to the children next month." >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. thank you for your service, triumph. triumph the insult comic dog, everybody. there we go. thank you. we'll be right back.
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