tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS May 2, 2019 11:35pm-12:36am PDT
the late show with stephen colbert is next. >> the next captioning sponsored by cbs testify in front to have the judiciary committee. later during a press conference congressman stephen cohen used a prop chick tolkien to taunt the attorney general. >> the "late show" now presents stephen cohen's press conference in its entirety. >> chick tolkien barr should have showed up today and answered questions. chick tolkien barr really laid an egg during his testimony. this smacks so much of watergate. barr is clearly afraid to face the house ju-dishiia. and we may be forced to issue him a sub-pena. and that's my time. it's a sad day in america.
>> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert. stephen welcomes chris cuomo, nicholas hoult and lily collins and musical guest james taylor. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) >> stephen: whoo! hey! how are you? ( cheers and applause ) perfect. perfect. ( cheers and applause ) hello, jon! i like it! i like the window pane. it's nice. hello! how are you! hello! thank you, ladies and gentlemen!
thank you! ( cheers and applause ) happy thursday. thanks, everybody! welcome one and all in here, out there, to "the late show." i'm your shows stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you very much. lovely greeting. today is, of course, the national day of prayer. seems like it comes earlier every year. i saw a church that had its prayer decorations up, like, two months ago. this morning, trump attended a prayer breakfast where he quoted christ's parable on the mueller witch hunt. >> people say, "how do you get through that whole stuff? how do you go through those witch hunts and everything else?" and you know what we do, mike? we just do it, right? and we think about god. >> stephen: ( as trump ) "yes, we just do it, and as i
remember where i am now, i think about god. the little pink bunny with the big bass drum. cool sunglasses. he just keeps going. god." ( laughter ) trump touched on this country's number one spiritual concern: mall signage. >> when i first started campaigning, people were not allowed, or, in some cases, foolishly ashamed to be using on stores, "merry christmas," "happy christmas." they would say "happy holidays." they would have red walls, and you would never see christmas. that was four years ago. take a look at your stores nowadays. it is all "merry christmas" again. "merry christmas," again! they are proud of it. >>:es, true, go to any mall in america right nol fireworks shows, our nativity pool parties, kids selling mulled lemonade.
christmas! then, the president quoted from the bible. >> and as god promises in the bible, those who hope in the lord will renew their strength. they will soar on the wings like eagles. they will run and not grow weary. and they will walk and not be faint. and that's something that mike and i think about all the time, right, mike? ( laughter ) >> stephen: he has never read one word of the bible before. let's go past this. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: (as trump) and,
lo, the good samaratin -- and then a guy named jesus did something. ( laughter ) i don't know about you, but my head is still spinning from yesterday's senate testimony of attorney general william barr, seen here thrilling attendees with his one man "fiddler on the roof." ( singing ) "obstruction, obstruction!" barr's performance angered a lot of democrats, especially california senator kamala harris. >> i think he should resign. i think he should resign. i think he should resign. >> stephen: kamala harris believes in the old urban legend that if you say "i think he should resign" three times, bill barr appears in your mirror and does not resign. democrats are especially upset that barr lied to congress. specifically, we now know that bob mueller sent a letter to barr complaining about his summary of mueller's report on on april 10, barr said this in sworn testimony: >> did bob mueller support your conclusion? >> i don't know whether bob
mueller supported my conclusion. >> stephen: that seems contradictory, but i think i know what's going on here: he's lying. ( laughter ) and house speaker nancy pelosi is not pleased. >> what is deadly serious about it is the attorney general of the united states of america is not telling the truth to the congress of the united states. that's a crime. >> stephen: yes, when the attorney general lies to congress, it's a crime. when the president does it, it's the state of the union. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and she drove the point home. >> he lied to congress. he lied to congress. if anybody else did that, it would be considered a crime. nobody is above the law, not the president of the united states and not the attorney general. being attorney general does not give you a bath to go say whatever you want.
>> stephen: no, being attorney general does not give william barr a bath. ( laughter ) and even if it did, please make sure it's a closed session. anyway, barr lied to the senate, and today, he was scheduled to lie to the house of representatives, but he didn't show up. that didn't stop house democrats, who held the hearing anyway and grilled an empty chair. ( laughter ) now, here's the thing: bill barr used to be a respected, highly trained lawyer. what the heck happened? well, there is a theory out there in a new op-ed from former f.b.i. director and "man who can't believe you showed up to testify in 'that' suit," james comey. comey says that, once you sign on to work for trump, it's extraordinarily difficult to keep your integrity. "it starts with your sitting silent while he lies, both in publicndrimaki you complicit by your silence." and if you don't do anything, eventually, "mr. trump eats your soul in small bites."
just small bites. small bites. it's like tapas. ( as trump ) "let's get a plate of the grilled octopus and bill barr's moral compass. ( laughter ) tastes like chicken. i mean, coward." ( laughter ) comey writes that the only way to get near this administration and avoid your soul being eaten is to be like james mattis, the former secretary of defense who "resigned over principle." unlike comey, who-- got to point out-- did not resign. he was fired. evidently, trump didn't want to eat his soul. i'm guessing it's a vegetable. ( laughter ) comey explains that silently agreeing with trump in private leads to "public displays of personal fealty" where you "use his language, praise his leadership and tout his commitment to values. and then you are lost. he has eaten your soul."
and then, along with several diet coke-soaked cheeseburgers, your soul makes the journey through trump's digestive tract, and is eventually excreted at -- and then you're stephen miller. ( applause ) true story. true story. quick update on something we talked about last night. trump's fed nominee, stephen moore-- seen here demonstrating how to punch stephen moore in the face. moore's nomination has been in jeopardy for saying stuff like this: >> i do believe one of the biggest problems with the american economy today is what has happened with male wages over the last 25-30 years. you know, when you have male wages declining like that, they become less important in terms of the breadwinner in the family, and that can lead to family instability.
( audience reacts ) >> stephen: that is so old-fashioned. "breadwinners"? hasn't he heard about gluten? it's "kalewinners" now. ( laughter ) but this morning, moore went on tv to make the case for himself as a qualified economic expert and steer the discussion away from his comments about women. >> i think the case for me is, look at this boobing economy! >> stephen: ( as moore ) "yes, look at this boobing economy! it's the best in recent mammary. if i'm appointed, job rates won't just double, they'll nipple." ( laughter ) plus, this morning, moore said, "my biggest ally is the president. he's full speed ahead." yes, full speed ahead to his phone to tweet this two hours later: "steve moore, a great pro-growth economist and a truly
fine person, has decided to withdraw from the fed process." oh, no! ( cheers and applause ) oh, no! with! headpt get the job?( piano riff) i hope this doesn't mean stephen moore is going to lose his "male wages." ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. cnn's chris cuomo is going to give us his take on barr's testimony. but when we return, "meanwhile!" stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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to help you get to undetectable. that means the amount of virus is so low it can't be measured in lab tests. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems, and kidney failure. rare, life-threatening side effects include a build-up of lactic acid and liver problems. do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. if you're hiv-positive, keep loving who you are, inside and out. ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. youyou chose maureen! old pet, don't make her drink water smelling of chlorine! give her culligan water, it can be positively proven! delicious for dogs! and delicious for humans! and with filtered culligan water of course it... means maureen can drink it straight from the faucet! puts care
john on the horn. way to blow. good to see you. jon, our first guest tonight is chris cuomo from the chris cuomo power hour on cnn. you know what i didn't realize about that guy? he's a big guy. he's jacked. >> jon: he lifts weights. yeah, i saw on instagram, he posted a picture of himself shirtless super flexing. not a hair in sight. >> jon: what's wrong? >> stephen: nothing wrong. he's just like an eely the neck down. i don't know whether he waxes or shaves. thl first question tonight. those are the questions he's not willing to ask on his show that we have the courage to ask here at "the late show." >> jon: right. >> stephen: sir, at long last, do you wax? >> jon: good question.
>> stephen: yeah, also, even more exciting -- even more exciting -- jon, you know that global super group b.t.s. >> jon: yeah, boy band. >> stephen: boy band, exactly. you know, i would love to have them on the show some time. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: specifically wednesday may 15, when they will be here at the ed sullivan theater to blow the lid, blow the dome off this place ( applause ) >> jon: that's going to with fire. >> stephen: we've got something special planned for them here. we can't say, but very special. imagine a boy band at the ed sullivan theater, something special associated with that, never been done before. >> jon: ah-ha. >> stephen: one time before. >> jon: i was going to say, one time in history. >> stephen: one band a long time ago, can't remember their name. began with a b. >> jon: i remember. >> stephen: you do? >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: rolling stones? >> jon: that's them. >> stephen: yeah.
you know, each news day is like a trip to the zoo. some of the stories are like lions-- big, noteworthy and exciting. but others are like tree frogs-- small, weird and confusing. so, once we're done checking out the marquee animals-- the charismatic megafauna in the monologue-- i like to take a stroll through the amphibian wing and look at the frogs, the salamanders, the japanese fire newts in my segment: "meanwhile!" ( cheers and applause ) "meanwhile!" makes people happy. meanwhile, this week, nasa is pretending an asteroid is on its way to smack the earth. it's a training exercise for the world's scientists and engineers to see whether the events of "armageddon" can be prevented-- specifically, that weird sort of-sex scene where ben affleck plays with animal crackers ( laughter ) that's creepy, ben!
( laughter ) never saw the movie. ( laughter ) meanwhile, in england, scientists find cocaine in shrimps in suffolk rivers. cocaine in the shrimp? that's going be a real time saver at someone's oscar party. ( laughter ) ( applause ) meanwhile, bad news for vegetarians: america is running out of impossible burgers. i know. it seems unlikely, improbable even. against the odds. the plant-based meat substitute is struggling to keep up with rising demand, which they announced just after the company expanded its partnership with burger king. bad move. if there's one person in all of fast food you don't want to piss off, it's this guy! ( laughter ) he's royalty and probably psychotic. ( laughter ) meanwhile, there's a new "sonic
the hedgehog" movie, and the internet is upset about the design of the chte uth. here's the moment that's weirding people out. >> uh, meow? >> ( screams ) >> stephen: those are the creepiest human teeth to be added to a burrowing shrew since rudy giuliani. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) meanwhile, congratulations to the town of swastika acres, a neighborhood in colorado who just got a new name because the area had once been home to the denver land swastika company, which chose its name before nazis adopted the swastika symbol. and they've just been real busy with other stuff since 1945. "what? oh, yeah, the name. is that still a thing? we'll get to it!"
so, starting now, the new name will be old cherry hills. man, are they are going to be pissed when they find out about famed nazi general "ol' cherry hills" von richter. ( laughter ) we'll be right back with chris cuomo! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) i'm ken jacobus and i switched to the spark cash card from capital one. i earn unlimited 2% cash back on everything i buy. and last year, i earned $36,000 in cash back. which i used to offer health insurance to my employees.
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out. i'll bite. you work out. >> you're light as a feather. >> stephen: yeah, what to you bench, chris cuomo? >> i bench colbert. ( laughter ) >> stephen: thank you for being here. you have a show tonight. >> i do. >> stephen: you've got to go get after it. >> i do have to get after it. >> stephen: because you say that for people who don't watch the show, and everyone watches the show. >> sure. >> stephen: for those of you who don't -- you say you have to get at -- >> fake adyens. >> stephen: fake audience, the best kind. i'll take any love, even the faked kind. >> let's get a.t.f. what do you have? >> stephen: what do you get after when you get after it? >> i tell you where it comes from. i believe it as a way to live your life. if you have a challenge, get after it. for us, the reason we started the show was that it is no longer a time to sit and listen. you have to test. you can't let things just be said. it can't be enough that people get to say what they want to say, you wait for them to stop and then you ask something and
move on. you can't let people flood the zone where you ask them a question and they say two or three things that are b.s. and you only get to check one. let's get after it is be aggressive, be assertive, but be decent. >> stephen: i hear from polls that the american people have kind of made up their minds -- >> about everything. >> stephen: and specifically about the mueller investigation and the accusations of both possible -- trump getting help even if unwittingly from the russian or the possibility of obstruction or the idea that the f.b.i. might have improperly surveilled the trump campaign. what we learned is that people's opinions don't change. how are you as a journalist getting through to people who have an open mind? are there any of those people left? >> very good question. >> stephen: thank you, it's what i do. you know what i did just there? >> you got after it. >> stephen: there it is. come on, come on.
( applause ) ( piano riff ) >> i didn't expect that. >> stephen: really? and i don't if i liked it but i may do it to someone else. it's very disconcerting. >> go to give a fist bump and give them the clam. exactly. ( laughter ) can you still influence your audience? >> i think there's no question that the audience is influenced, and that's why you have to be responsible about what you do with the trust they're giving you or coming and listening to you and taking you seriously. but you don't report to influence outcome. i don't tell people things -- i don't test people hoping they think something, i just hope they think that, all right, you've seen this idea tested, you saw what he or she was able to do under this kind of scrutiny, now you decide. the interactability of the numbers where the president is involved i don't think is about the american people, i think it's about the expectations. i think that, over time, the erosion of what people expect from public servants, just so
you guys know my last name is cuomo, my father was governor of new york state, my brother is the governor of new york state right now and i'm tremendously proud of that. i've never had to look outside the men in my own family for male role models, except for you. so i see that people in public service see a beauty in it. but we don't feel that anymore. i think that's why people forgive so much in this president, they don't expect better. he lies. they all lie. but his character? i thought you were supposed to be a conservative and conservatives are about character. they're all like that now. that's why the numbers don't move. they can't be shocked. there is no sense of shame about what happens in public service. but we also don't reward virtue anymore. we have two parties that win by attacking the other and that's a problem. >> stephen: why didn't you go into the family business? dad governor, brother governor. why didn't you go into the family business?
>> well, the main reason is because i don't like it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: you don't like politics at all? >> no. i have so much respect for my father, may he rest many peace. as a little brother to andrew, the governor, as a brother, i feel he's served enough. the scrutiny and the concentration and focus he has. i wish he would go out and enjoy his life, get paid for what he's able to do and not worry about people like me and these jackals that chase around politicians. >> stephen: let's talk about some of your pomp tigs. you said maddow is a professor. >> so smart. >> stephen: hannity is a preacher. >> yes, boy can he preach. >> stephen: and i was built for the battle. >> yes. >> stephen: does that mean you're a warrior? >> it means let's get after it! >> stephen: you were built for the battle because here was a photo i was referencing earlier. here's you and your son and look at that flower. >> fluke.
>> stephen: fluke there. do you wax or shave? which is it? ( applause ) so let's get after it. let's get after it because, come on, you are a -- you're still very vital but you're a middle-aged man. that damn fluke's got more chest hair than you do. which is it? >> it hurts. >> stephen: which is it? what do you do? >> it's a source of embarrassment. i'm one of the few italian males that has nothing going on. i had a grandmother who had more hair on her chest than me. i don't know what happened. i used to say muscle pushed it out, but now i'm just old and i don't have a lot of hair on my chest. >> stephen: amazing. but thanks for asking. >> stephen: give me a number. what do you bench? >> i don't believe in that. >> stephen:t lift weights. more than anyone you know but -- >> stephen: how many pushups? as many as i need to. >> stephen: you could pop to. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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i'm not a performing monkey. t begins with thea rival of a proud princess. >> you're right about that. she demands entertainment. the princess is bored. bored of cakes and muffins and exquisite china. she long for another life. >> it's not a name. what? something else. selador is not a princess' name. it can't be. selador is a place. >> stephen: please welcome nicholas hoult and lily collins. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you both for being here.
>> thank you for having us. >> stephen: i am particularly excited to talk to you because of the movie that you're here to promote, tolkien. i am a fan of the professor pro. i am so nervous. >> we're not actually edith and tolkien. >> stephen: i know this. but we get to learn something about the professor's life in this movie. describe what we're learning about tolkien's life. >> it's his formative years. it's the buildup to him ring the hobbit. about him finding friendship and love with edith and his experiences in world war i and his love of language. >> stephen: he got that from his mother, who she also died when he was quite young but she introduced him and his brother into myths and legends and that
sort of thing and taught him languages. and edith and tolkien sort of grew up together, didn't they? >> they did. i actually didn't know much about tolkien before i started the project, unfortunately, and there's not much research to be done on edith but edith was also an orphan and they lived in the same house. they were first steadfast friends and confidants in escapism and became each other's one and only loves throughout their lives until their 80s. >> stephen: what did you know about tolkien's work. >> i was a huge fan to have the hobbit and lord of the rings. i loved fantasy. i auditioned for avangeline's role in the hobbit. i don't even think it ever made it to peter jackson. it was awful. years later, ironically, i end
up playing the woman who inspired that character. >> stephen: did you know tolkien's work at all? >> i got given the hobbit by the wrights brothers, the director of that. so i read it. i still have the copy to have book at home. i read it. it felt fortuitous. >> stephen: that was one thing i had forgot tolkien before reading the pre-interview with you guys, my producer. he's the same guy in about a boy. i didn't realize that's you. look at you in "about a boy." right there. >> literally the cutest! ( applause ) >> stephen: i think i speak for several of the women on my staff when i say you filled out nicely. >> there you go. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i have a bit of super, an exclusive deep-cut nerd photograph here. can you explain before i show to people what's happening here? you are preparing to play the professor. >> we're filming the buildup to
tolkien. i read li his letters and booksd biographies and there are certain elements you try things out to see if it helps subconsciously influence the character. he did all his own illustrations, so i try to do water colors in down time on x-men, so here's me doing a water color amidst a battle going on. >> stephen: in his style, looks like. >> trying to. >> stephen: and you're still in costume preparing to be tolkien. >> there it is. >> stephen: this movie has taken a firm substance on how to pronounce the professor's name.u out on it but you've said it wrong a couple of times. >> stephen: i grew up saying it that way. >> it's around the world. we were just in england and people were saying tolkien still. they refused to say it
differently because it was too proper. >> stephen: tolkien? tolkien is the correct pronunciation. i would listen to judy dench did the voiceover for one to have the documentaries about him and she definitely says tol-keen throughout. i said, okay, i'm sticking with you. >> stephen: i think the problem when i was a kid is i read tolkien but there was no one to talk to about it. >> tol-din. >> stephen: sorry. sorry. i also read people read tolkien also read science fiction, same group. and robert heinline and j.r.r. tolkien and it was spelled the same so that's why which did it. there was a biblical reaction to their relationship in that tolkien wasn't allowed to see edith by the priest and her
brother. he had to make something of himself first? >> he had a lot of weight on his shoulders because of his parents' passing so he had to get a good job, get to oxford and graduate. so unfortunately they were kept apart. she was engaged to someone else. >> stephen: she didn't wait. he's a woman of little prospects and, at that time -- >> stephen: also an orphan. also an orphan. she didn't have many job prospects and if you were a woman of a certain age and not promised to someone, it didn't look good. when he went off to school, she promised herself to someone else and when she came back to send tolkien off to war, she was still promised to someone else, undeniable how they loved one another. what is said to be true is her fianceé, george, gathered all three together and they sat and had tea and he handed her off to
tolkien. very modern, right? when would that ever happen? very civilized. i think he realized they just were meant to be and, i don't know, i can't say i would do the same thing, but they ended up together and it was lovely. >> stephen: "tolkien" opens in theories next friday. but on may 7 i'm interviewing these people at the film festival. simultaneous cast at 200 different theaters. you can find out at a theater near you. we'll be right back with a performance by james taylor.
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that means the amount of virus is so low it can't be measured in lab tests. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems, and kidney failure. rare, life-threatening side effects include a build-up of lactic acid and liver problems. do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. if you're hiv-positive, keep loving who you are, inside and out. ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. from capital one.nd i switched to the spark cash card i earn unlimited 2% cash back on everything i buy. and last year, i earned $36,000 in cash back. which i used to offer health insurance to my employees. what's in your wallet? nosy neighbor... witglad bag full of trashl. what happens next?
coors light is cold packaged... for peak refreshment. the world's most refreshing beer. coors light. >> stephen: my next guest has sold over 100 million albums, has been inducted into both the rock and roll and the songwriters' hall of fame, and, to top it off, is a kennedy center honoree. he's currently in the middle of his residency at caesars palace in las vegas. and now, performing "carolina in my mind," ladies and gentlemen, james taylor! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ in i'm gone to carolina
♪ can't you see the sunshine? ♪ can't you just feel ♪ ain't it just like a friend of mine ♪ to hit me from behind? ♪ yes, i'm gone to carolina in my mind ♪ karin she's a silver sun ♪ you best walk her way and watch it shine ♪ and watch her watch the morning come ♪ a silver tear appearing now ♪ i'm cryin', ain't i? gone to carolina in my mind ♪ there ain't no doubt in no one's mind ♪ that love's the finest thing around
♪ whisper something soft and kind ♪ and hey babe, the sky's on fire ♪ i'm dying, ain't i? gone to carolina in my mind ♪ in my mind i'm gone to carolina ♪ can't you see the sunshine? ♪ can't you just feel the moonshine? ♪ and ain't it just like a friend of mine ♪ to hit me f ♪ yes, i' ♪ dark and silent, late last night ♪ i think i might have heard the highway call ♪ and geese in flight
and dogs that bite ♪ the signs that might be omens say ♪ i'm goin', i'm goin' i'm gone to carolina in my mind ♪ with a holy host of others standin' around me ♪ still i'm on the dark side of the moon ♪ and it seems like it goes on like this forever ♪ you must forgive me, if i'm up and gone to carolina in my mind ♪ in my mind i'm goin' to carolina
♪ can't you see the sunshine? ♪ can't you just feel the moonshine? ♪ ain't is just like a friend of mine ♪ to hit me from behind ♪ yes, i'm gone to carolina in my mind ♪ gone to carolina in my mind ♪ and i'm goin' to carolina in my mind say nice things about me ♪ 'cause i'm gone ♪ got to carry on without me, i'm gone ♪ ♪ goin' to carolina
(vo) i know what you're thinking. electric, it's not for you. and, you're probably right. electric just doesn't have enough range. it will never survive the winter. charging stations? good luck finding one of those. so, maybe an electric car isn't for you after all. or, is it? ♪ i've slain your dreaded dragon. for saving the kingdom what doth thou desire? my lord?
>> stephen: that's it for the "late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be craig ferguson, ronda rousey and bear grylls. now, stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show