tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS September 30, 2019 11:35pm-12:35am PDT
e lateow xt r xtst l you p captioning sponsored by cbs >> watching rudy giuliani this weekend, it was just crazy to watch him spin all kinds of wild conspiracy stories. ♪ >> hello, i'm bill flatearth. who's there? oh, it's me. welcome to conspiracy today. have extraterrestrials stolen my shoes? more on that later. today we'll be discussing the biden-ukrainian scheme with noted conspiracy aficionadrudolt the ukrainians -- time travel, te >> the ukrainians came to me.
i didn't go to them. >> perfect. and what did the ukrainians say to you? was it about the illuminati ruining my first marriage? >> they said, we have shocking evidence -- >> fascinating. and do you have the evidence? >> i have an affidavit here that's been online for six months that nobody bothered to read. >> it appears to be a big foot riding the loch ness monster who's offering a bribe. the proof is undeniable. who's involved? >> joe biden's son, john kerry's stepson, hillary clinton, george soros, stormy daniels and the thornton group, and that was owned by whitey bulger's nephew. >> thank you for being here, rudolph. and now my socks are gone! ( cheers and applause ) >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, spin-peachment, plus stephen welcomes hillary rodham clinton, chelsea clinton and
wilco, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephenrt! ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) >> stephen: come on! hello there! how are you? whoo! whoo! that's just dumb! so stupid! have a seat, everybody! thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. i hope you all had a nice weekend. my family got a new puppy. ( cheers and applause ) jon, i know you guys played the global citizen festival in central park. >> jon: yes, that's right. >> stephen: that looked fantastic! >> jon: rolling on! telling the truth!
>> stephen: meanwhile, down in washington, d.c., the president and hiesountai w wased in e carnous maof stupid. ( laughter ) and they all got on the crazy train for one reason: to try and confuse everyone about a very simple story. it's "don and the giant impeach." ( laughter ) once upon a time. >> jon: come on, don! >> stephen: once upon a time, donald trump called the president of ukraine and asked the foreign leader to investigate joe biden. the end-- of his presidency, you would think. ( laughter ) we know this because a whithouse released aeblew and
transcript that confirmed everything the whistleblower said. it's all in the new movie: "i know what i did last summer and now you do too because i released the transcript." ( cheers and applause ) good movie. scary. super scary movie. now, the white house doesn't have a lot of options left. you know that phrase, "hey, don't kill the messenger"? trump doesn't know that phrase, because he tweeted, "like every american, i deserve to meet my accuser, especially when this accuser, the so-called "whistleblower," represented a perfect conversation with a foreign leader in a totally inaccurate and fraudulent way." ( cheers and applause ) okay. okay. first of all -- first of all, you only have the right to meet you accuser in a court of law. and i certainly hope you get
that opportunity. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> jon: hey! hey! ( piano riff ) ( applause ) >> stephen: second, when you say "your accuser," can you narrow that down, because there are a lot of them. ( cheers and applause ) you're going to have to handle it like an elizabeth warren selfie line. (as trump) "hi, i'm donald. what are you accusing me of? great, you're a liar. selfie!" next? oh, you don't want me to touch you? i understand. that's the accusation? there you go. there you go. ( applause ) after that, trump swerved mid-tweet to hit another target: "then schiff made up what i actually said by lying to congress dot dot dot dot dot dot "his lies were made in perhaps the most blatant and sinister manner ever seen in the great chamber. he wrote down and read terrible
things, then said it was from the mouth of the president of the united states. i want schiff questioned at the highest level for fraud & treason." (as trump) "and by highest level, i mean dangle him from the top of the washington monument by his ankles a ask hything y want to take back, liddle adam?" ( laughter ) "oh, oh, down below." >> jon: that's cold. >> stephen: then trump brought the tweet home -- "i want to meet not only my accuser, who presented second and third hand information, but also the person who illegally gave this informatioassthichn,lyer l."ar e was this person spying on the u.s. president? big consequences!"
( booing ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's a lot. that's a lot. big consequences? for what? finding out someone did something bad and thenling about iisn't spying, it's talking. ( laughter ) if i see a guy pooping on the subway platform and notify the transit police, that doesn't make me james bond. ( laughter ) ...or does it? ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: come on, james! ( applause ) >> stephen: "hello, m. this is 007. i need to report a 002 on the number 3 train. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) there are rumors. >> jon: sean connery! >> stephen: there are a lot of rumors i'm the next bond. ( laughter )
this afternoon, at the white house, trump tried to clear things up. unfortunately, he used his mouth so it got more confusing. >> the statement i made to the president of the ukraine, good man, nice man, new, was perfect. it was perfect. but the whistleblower reported a totally different statement. like the statement was not even made. i guess statement you could say with call. i made a call. ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, he does have the best words. they're just stuck in the very worst brain. ( laughter ) ( as trump ) "i guess -- made call." ( laughter ) now normally, reporters are the ones who exit, but today, rather than answer any more questions, the president did this: >> there was a lot of corruption having to do with the 2016 election, against us. and, we want to get to the bottom of it. it is very important that we do. >> mr. president, do you see impeachment as inevitable, sir?
is it inevitable you will be impeached? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: gotta say, even in a small dose, it's great to see trump leave office. but trump isn't just tweeting a lot, he's also been retweeting, including this clip from fox and friends featuring, conservative radio host and mean billy joel, marc levin. the interview got off to a rocky start. >> are you okay with a president asking his counterpart-- this is a simply yes or no--to dig up dirt on former vice president joe biden and his son? are you okay with that? >> first of all, your question is not honest. so i don't give yes or no-- >> that's a quote from the transcript, sir-- >> let me finish, ed. you have all morning. i have two minutes. it's not an honest question. >> stephen: it was so tense, they changed the name to, "fox and 'hey, i thought we were friends!'"
( laughter ) trump tweeted the video because levin also wants to out the whistleblower. >> i'm an american citizen! if this c.i.a. operative is going to be the guy that brings down my president, i want to know all about him! i want to know what kind of dogs they have, how many marriages they've had, if they have a d.u.i., i want to know if they're a partisan, i want to know everything. >> stephen: (as levin) "we need to know everything. how many dogs does he have? are they cute dogs? does he have a picture? can i see the picture? is he a good boy? who's a good boy?" ( cheers and applause ) at long last, sir! "who? " ( laughter ) trump was so pleased by levin's performance, that he retweeted 20 tweets about levin's performance, including one tweet from an account called "trump, but about sharks"-- which is a
novelty twitter account that replaces words in trump's tweets to make them about sharks. which is why it says, "amen mark levin, preach brother! you shut down ed henry and the pro shark media." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) the president of the united states just tweeted the phrase, "proshark media," which means we've officially entered the dumbest time in human history. beating the previous dumbest time, when we thought a spooky bird mask could protect you from the plague. congrats bird mask! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
( clapping in time ) >> stephen: okay. thank you, doctor. and we're learning wno from ukraine has another cast member because we just found out that secretary of state mike pompeo took part in the trump-zelensky phone call. ( audience reacts ) what was it, some sort of party line? (as sultry announcer) "do you want to coerce a foreign leader into being your dirty little political opposition researcher? or are you a naughty secretary of state who just likes to listen in? call 1-900-quid-pro-quickie." ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> this is a fun update, given the fact that "mr. pompeo said last week that he hadn't yet read the whistleblower's complaint in its entirety."
of course he hadn't read it, he was there! ( laughter ) it's the reason why i don't finish taping this show, and say, "okay, let's go read my monologue.'" ( laughter ) at this point, if you're defending trump, you're either a complete lapdog, or completely oblivious. and sometimes you're both! like house minority leader and happy business squirrel, kevin mccarthy. ( laughter ) mccarthy sat down on "60 minutes," and scott pelley read the damning transcript. >> what do you make of this exchange? president zelensky says, "we are almost ready to buy more javelins from the united states for defense purposes." and president trump replies, "i would like you to do us a favor though." >> well, you just added another word. >> no, it's in the transcript. >> he said, "i'd like you to do a favor though"? >> yes, it's in the white house transcript. >> stephen: wow. ( laughter ) kevin mccarthy clearly didn't do his reading before class. (as student) "in the end, turns out the greatest gatsby was the friends
we made along the way." ( laughter ) things look bad. so pelley gave mccarthy the chance to explain how republicans respond. >> how do you expect the president's defense to roll out going forward? >> the defense of what? >> well, there's an impeachment inquiry. >> yeah. >> stephen: where has kevin mccarthy been? (as mccarthy on phone) "hello, cbs? i'd love to come on "60 minutes." yes, i've been in a coma at the bottom of an elevator shaft for the last week, so i'm coming in cold, let's wing it." ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) trump also got some support from south carolina senator and regret made flesh, lindsey graham. graham appeared yesterday on "face the nation" and things got so hatlid eathmaonde a ainooe pt >> i think this thing stinks and let me tell you about republican's-- you want to know about republicans? republicans believe that you're guilty just by the accusation.
( audience reacts ) >> jon: whoa! wait a minute! is quite a freudian slip! (as graham) "yes, republicans are unjust, unfair s, anhad >>i wowantt tot and marry mommy-- mommy warm." ( laughter ) and no sunday press blitzkrieg would be complete without trump senior policy advisor and societyiopathic hard-boiled egg stepheneblos compint on fox news sunday. >> a partisan hit job does not make you a whistleblower just because you go through the whistleblower protecact. first of all, if you read thetion seven-page, little nancy drew novel that the whistleblower put together, it drips with indignation and contempt for the nc nident.>>en a-p ( laughter ) i bet it's titled: "nancy drew and the transcribed crime." ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's a quickead. read. r
>> jon: just roll right through it. >> stephen:. >> stephen: we've got a great show for you tonight! hillary and chelsea clinton are here! but when we come back, i'll still be here, and we'll be doin' it donkey style. stick around! ♪ (dramatic orchestra) performance comes in lots of flavors. there's the amped-up, over-tuned, feeding-frenzy-of sheet-metal-kind. and then there's performance that just leaves you feeling better as a result. that's the kind lincoln's about. ♪
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thanks very much! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: a lot going on, man. >> stephen: jon, hillary and chelsea clinton will be out here in just a moment. >> jon: oh, yeah! >> stephen: lots to talk about. some days there's just so much to talk about we have to do two monologues, so welcome to monolog number two. i caught you up on donald trump's latest impeachment problems, but congressional democrats aren't the only ones trying to get him out of the oval office. there's also an election. and i'll update you on that in tonight's "doin' it donkey style." the whistleblower! or words to that effect. ( applause ) >> stephen: we learned something new and disturbing about minnesota senator amy klobuchar, seen here both denying it and supplying it. during a speech in michigan, klobuchar revealed that she once killed a duck while playing golf. wasn't even an accident. she just wanted to feel something. ( laughter )
we make this stuff up. here's how klobuchar tells it -- >> i did one time try to play golf, but i misfired on the first try and the ball hit a duck in the head, and, yeah, it appeared-- it appeared to perish. ( laughter ) >> stephen: tragically, she tried to warn it by yelling "duck!" but it just looked up at her. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but the biggest news on the democratic side is that bernie sanders did an interview with "cosmopolitan" magazine. i have to say, i love what he's done to his office. ( laughter ) the article was called: "cosmo asks bernie sanders the questions young women want answered. questions like "excuse me, sir, are you lost?" ( laughter ) the interview touched on a range of issues, including some funsies: >> do you have a favorite
cocktail? >> i don't drink much. >> the correct answer is a cosmo! >> oh, oh, the cosmo! >> stephen: oh, bernie knows about the cosmo. we all remember this scene from "sex and the city." ( laughter ) (as sanders) "i couldn't help but wonder: even though mr. big was gone, maybe the breakup we really needed was j.p. morgan and chase!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( piano riff ) cosmo also got a little personal with bernie: >> what's your skin care routine? ( laughter ) >> stephen: don't do him like that! it's obviously nothing. ( laughter ) look at him. his face matches the wall! ( laughter ) but bernie had an answer. >> do you moisturize? >> stephen: i put something on. the doctor gave me something on.
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>> stephen: thank you so much! thank you both for being here. >> thank you. very nice.eseople who are big fans of the alternate time line we're not living in. ( laughter ) so nice to have you both back here. >> thank you. >> stephen: and i want to talk about your new book, "the book of gutsy women." >> right. right. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and we're going to do that in just a minute, i promise you. ( laughter ) but your fault for coming on ukraine week. ( laughter ) we learned about the trump-ukraine call, the private server. is it time to, dare i say, lock him up? ( laughter ) ( piano riff what do you make of it?
( audience chaptering lock him monster. i apologize. ( laughter ) >> okay. so here we are, and we have started an impeachment inquiry, which we'll rook at the evidence, and i think that's exactly what should be done. i believe strongly that this particular incident has had such a huge impact because we've known for a long time that he was a corrupt businessman who cheated people, and we've known that he and his campaign asked for aid from russia, we've known that, but to see him in the office of the president, putting his own personal and political interests ahead of the national security of our country just athatoint, speakeraid thisisg o
investigate, and that's what's going on. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i was never a big "let's impeach him" fan. i thought we should go to the ballot box. but when someone is clearly using the office that they're in to subvert the ballot box -- >> right. >> stephen: to use by corrupt means influence from other countries to maintain their office, what good is the ballot box at that point? you have to hold them to account ahead of time. >> well, and that's what the provision for impeachment really was intended to do because if the founders had said, look, no matter how bad a president, is there will be another election, we would have lived with that, but instead, they said there may
come a time when a president has subverted the constitution, has abused power, has taken theat r, therefore, we've got to have a remedy between elections, and that's at now. >> stephen: some people may not know this but back in february of 1974 you were one of the people who worked on the constitutional grounds for presidential impeachment -- >> yes, i did. >> stephen: -- referring to president nixon. ( applause ) >> as i like to say, you cannot make my life up, really. ( laughter ) yeah, can't make it up. >> stephen: trump keeps trying to. >> he does. he attributes all kinds of things. but, you know, i remember very well working on that, i was a very young lawyer and, coincidentally, one of the young republican wasnsdonald trump on the republican ticket,
and had been governor of massachusetts, and we wrote that because we wanted to explain whn impeachable offense? what does high crimes and misdemeanors mean, actually? you can read it online and there's a short two-page conclusion that lays out exactly what you were saying, stephen, someone who is using the office to subvert the constitution, to undermine the oath that he took to protect and defend the constitution and the american people, that's what falls right into the definition of an impeachable offense. >> stephen: chelsea, when you see the president of the united states so obsessed with secretary clinton, your mother, you must have an urge to protect co,ld yrestedtvifend your hiss,
whyyohi his obsessh your>> wel, which is saying a lot -- ( laughter ) ( applause ) -- because i think about her a lot. and, you know, stephen, i do, um, kind of feel a need to protect her, because i do worry about her, given what we continue to see at his rallies like the rabid "lock her up" chants. >> stephen: years later. years later, that it's still kind of his greatest hit, is troubling to me, and i'm so proud of my mom. you're one of my original gutsy
women. i'm so proud of all thatusshse' yeah, #gutsy women, but ultimately, you know, first and jaramost, she's my mom, and nowd er protect's g her and, yet, most of all, i just am so grateful that she just continues to keep standing and standing for what she knows is right. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, right before we came out here, we're recording this in the early evening here on monday, and before we came out to do the show, we found out mike pompeo, who is secretary of state, the job you used to have, who said i haven't read the whistleblower complaint, turns out he was on the phone call with the ukrainian president. how many times when you were secretary of state did you have
to say so barack obama, you can't extort foreign countries to get dirt on your political enemies? yh,never happened,how ma no. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what is the secretary of state's job in the moment, to advise the secretaryb is to make sure that he knows, number one, what the president is going to say on those calls. i mean, these are usually very highly prepared calls and, you know, state department and defense department and everybody will send over, you know, talking points. >> stephen: sure. and we'll meet with the president and go over the talking points, and the president might say, well, you know, i would rather emphasize this or what about that? fair game, absolutely. and because you've got a president who doesn't listen to anybody and doesn't follow instructions whatsoever, i'm not sure they've even given up on trying to give him any sorts of preparation because they don't
know what he's going to say. but what the whistleblower tells us, and remember, you know, all of this talk that some thite ho. the transcrif the phone callwa , and the whistleblower has a depth of understanding that needs to be taken seriously about what happened, and the whistleblower says, in the situation room, as i recall, they're doing the call, and as soon as trump starts in on this, people are going, oh, whoa, what happened? what did he say? and that's why they immediately tried to limit the extension of that phone call to be shared with other people, why they put it on a highly-classified system that is used for the most important secrets, raid, because even if there's nothing classified in it, the illegal and imimpeachable.
e of the very first people to say, wait a minute, we've got to clean this up, you can't let that stand. but we don't know what he did. >> stephen: as secretary of state, how would you feel if the president was sending rudy giuliani out to actually handle foreign policy? because that's what he says. he's saying, i'll hook you up with my private attorney. >> yeah, that would be a big problem. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay. presidents often use, as do secretaries of state, you know, they might use an envoy or a special advisor to deliver a message, but, again, it is supposed to be carefully thought through, and from what we've seen on television, carefully thinking through is not one of rudy's strong points. ( cheers and applause )>> sena h nordlkingeak.
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>> you know, i have to say it feels great. when i ran, there were more women in space than women running for president, right? >> there were two. >> stephen: and now we have -- we've had enough women to field a basketball team. i mean, big step forward. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah. i think elizabeth warren can dunk, too. ( laughter ) have you endorsed anyone? >> no. no, i'm not going to. >> stephen: no? hm-um. >> stephen: what if came out and said let's get rid of the electoral college? >> i think they've all said that. i've said that since 2000, and boy did i mean it in 2000. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so you wrote this book together. >> right. >> stephen: you've both written several books, but this is the first book you've written together. do your writing styles mesh?
>> no. >> stephen: because it's not that easy to collaborate. >> stephen -- >> stephen: we could have gone all night without you asking me this question. >> and this is one of my favorite topics. >> stephen: okay. and i'm sure i will get my comeuppance when my children make fun of me some day. >> stephen: okay. o i knew my mother still wrote longhand, but i didn't know what that would mean for our process until i got truly photographed copies of pages that my mother had written longhand to show whsh was on her progress, and i would have e-mailed her like word documents, things flagged i wanted her to lookt, and she couldn't figure out how to open the comment boxes. >> stephen: you only work longhand like this? >> and google docs are her friend if he would only -- >> oh, my gosh! ( applause ) >> all right, in my defense -- where's rudy giuliani when i need him?
( laughter ) in my defense, look, computers and everything are fine, but for writing a book, i mean, for me, because of the way i came up doing it, i just need to have that pen between my fingers and make all the arrows and turn the page over and do all of that. >> stephen: sure. and she could still do that, like, on the computer! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: it does look a little bit like you're up in a cabin writing your manifesto. ( laughter ) that is so embarrassing. >> stephen: well, who is the -- >> let's go back and talk about impeachment. ( laughter ) >> stephen: who is the latest gutsy woman who impresses youun ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: why do you think -- >> yeah. yeah. and actually, before her latest efforts, we had written about her because i was fascinated by this, you know, school girl
starting this strike for climate change awareness, and i thought, wow, that's pretty gutsy, and the fact that the first day nobody joined her and it was a pretty lonely enterprise, and then to see her speak truth to power in the united nations, to leaders who should know better, do know better and refuse to take action, i love that. >> stephen: well, the book is "the book of gutsy women," and it is secretary hillary rodham clinton and chelsea clinton,th authors. thank you so much for being here. >> thank you, stephen. >> stephen: nice to see you. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) we'll be right back! to lindsey'. welcome to gigi's. welcome to peter's. shhh! welcome to mitch's! (announcer) now, anywhere can feel more like chili's. with new chili's delivery and to-go. [ song: johnny cash, "th♪sthese are my people ♪
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♪ where the secrets twist like vines ♪ and you know where the bodies are buried ♪ but you can't remember where you buried the mines ♪ oh no, on the nights everyone hides ♪ oh, oh everyone hides ♪ if you served yourself on a tale ♪ where the details drift with time ♪ where the point gets lost in the telling ♪ and the telling was the point all the while eryone hides ♪ oh, oh some of the time ♪ ♪
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be rachel maddow, and thom yorke. now stick around for james corden. goodnight! ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) >> i hate sharks, they witch hunt. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org