tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 18, 2019 11:35pm-12:35am PDT
tgif. thank you for joining us on this friday night. the late show is up next. ha a captioning sponsored by cbs >> watching rudy giuliani this weekend, it was just crazy to watch him spin all kinds of wild conspiracy stories. ♪ ♪ >> hello, i'm bill flatearth. who's there? oh, it's me. welcome to "conspiracy today." have extraterrestrials stolen my shoes?! more on that later. today we'll be discussing the biden-ukrainian scheme with noted conspiracy aficionado rudolph giuliani. ( laughter ) rudolph, how did you first visit the ukrainians-- time travel, teleportation, wormhole? >> the ukrainians came to me. i didn't go to them. >> perfect. and what did the ukrainians say to you? was it about the illuminati
ruining my first marriage? >> they said, we have shocking evidence-- >> fascinating. and do you have the evidence? >> i have an affidavit here that's been online for six months that nobody bothered to read. >> it appears to be a big foot riding the loch ness monster who's offering a bribe. the proof is undeniable. who's involved? >> joe biden's son, john kerry's stepson, hillary clinton, george soros, stormy daniels and the thornton group, and that was owned by whitey bulger's nephew. >> thank you for being here, rudolph. and now my socks are gone! ( cheers and applause ) >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, spin-peachment. plus stephen welcomes secretary hillary rodham clinton and chelsea clinton. and musical guest wilco. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!
( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) >> stephen: come on! ( cheers and applause ) hello there! how are you? whoo! whoo! that's just dumb! so stupid! please have a seat, everybody! thank you very much. thank you very much. ladies and gentlemen, welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. i hope you all had a really nice weekend. my family got a new puppy. and-- ( cheers and applause ) jon, i know you guys played the global citizen festival in central park. >> jon: yes, that's right. >> stephen: that looked fantastic! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: we had a great time. rolling on! telling truth!ile,own in washington, d.c., the president and his allies all journeyed to the mountains of madness, where
all meaning was devoured in the cavernous maw of stupid. ( laughter ) and they all got on the crazy train for one reason: to try and confuse everyone about a very simple story. it's "don and the giant impeach." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) once upon a time. >> jon: come on, don! come on. >> stephen: once upon a time, donald trump called the president of ukraine and asked the foreign leader to investigate joe biden. the end-- ( laughter ) of his presidency, you would think. now, we know this-- ( cheers and applause ) we know this because a whistleblower whistleblew and the white house released a transcript that confirmed everything the whistleblower said.
it's all in the new movie: "i know what i did last summer and now you do too because i released the transcript." ( laughter ) now-- ( cheers and applause ) good movie. scary. super, super scary movie. now, the white house doesn't have a lot of options left. and you know that phrase, "hey, don't kill the messenger"? trump doesn't know that phrase. ( laughter ) because he tweeted, "like every american, i deserve to meet my accuser, especially when this accuser, the so-called 'whistleblower,' represented a perfect conversation with a foreign leader in a totally inaccurate and fraudulent way." okay. okay. first of all-- ( cheers and applause ) first of all, you only have thee cour l and i certainly hope you get that opportunity. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) second. >> jon: hey, now!
hey! ( piano riff ) >> stephen: second, when you say "your accuser," can you narrow that down? because there are a lot of them. ( cheers and applause ) you're going to have to handle it like an elizabeth warren selfie line. ( as trump ) "hi, i'm donald. what are you accusing me of? ( laughter ) great, great, great. you're a liar. selfie! next? oh, you don't want me to touch you? i understand. that's the accusation? there you go. there you go." ( applause ) after that, trump swerved mid- tweet to hit another target: "then schiff made up what i actually said by lying to congress dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, "his lies were made in perhaps the most blatant and sinister manner ever seen in the great chamber. he wrote down and read terrible things, then said it was from the mouth of the president of the united states.
i want schiff questioned at the highest level for fraud and treason." ( as trump ) "and by highest level, i mean dangle him from the top of the washington monument by his ankles and ask him 'anything you want to take back, liddle adam? ( laughter ) oh, oh, down below." >> jon: that's cold. >> stephen: then trump brought the tweet home. "i want to meet not only my accuser, who presented second and third hand information, but also the person who illegally gave this information, which was largely incorrect, to the whistleblower. was this person spying on the u.s. president? big consequences!"( booing ) ( laughter )big eque for what?on something bad and telling people
about it isn't spying, it's talking. ( laughter ) if i see a guy pooping on the subway platform and notify the transit police, that doesn't make me james bond. ( laughter ) ...or does it? ( james bond theme sting ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: come on, james! >> stephen: "hello, m. this is 007. i need to report a 002. ( laughter ) on the number three train. ( laughter ) this afternoon-- ( cheers and applause ) there are rumors. >> jon: sean connery! >> stephen: there are a lot of rumors i'm the next bond. th this afternoon, at the white house, trump tried to clear things up. unfortunately, he used his mouth so it got more confusing. ( laughter ) >> the statement i made to the president of the ukraine, a good
man, nice man, new, was perfect. it was perfect. but the whistleblower reported a totally different statement. like the statement was not even made. i guess statement you could say with call. i made a call. ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, oh, he does have the best words, they're just stuck in the very worst brain. ( laughter ) ( as trump ) "i guess-- made call." ( laughter ) now normally, reporters are the ones who exit after the oval office press, but today, rather than answer any more questions, the president did this: >> there was a lot of corruption having to do with the 2016 election, against us. and, we want to get to the bottom of it. and it is very important that we do. thank you. >> mr. president, do you see impeachment as inevitable, sir? is it inevitable you will be impeached?ot to ( cheers and applause )
i got to say, even in a small dose, it's great to see trump leave office. ( laughter ) but trump isn't just tweeting a lot, he's also been retweeting a lot, including this clip from fox and friends featuring conservative radio host and mean billy joel, marc levin. ( laughter ) the interview got off to a bit of a rocky start. >> are you okay with a president asking his counterpart-- this is a simple yes or no-- to dig up dirt on former vice president joe biden and his son? are you okay with that? >> first of all, your question is not honest. so i don't give yes or no-- >> that's a quote from the transcript, sir. >> let me finish, ed. you have all morning. i have two minutes. it's not an honest question. >> stephen: it was so tense, they changed the name to, "fox and 'hey, i thought we were friends!'" ( laughter ) trump tweeted that video because
levin also wants to out the whistleblower. >> i'm an american citizen! if this c.i.a. operative is going to be the guy that brings down my president, i want to know all about him! i want to know what kind of dogs they have, how many marriages they've had, if they have a d.u.i., i want to know if they're a partisan, i want to know everything! >> stephen: ( as levin ) "we need to know everything. how many dogs does he have? are they cute dogs? does he have a picture? can i see the picture? is he a good boy? who's a good boy? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) who? at long last, sir! who? who is a good boy!" ( laughter ) trump was so pleased by levin's performance, that he retweeted 20 tweets about levin's performance, including one tweet from an account called "trump, but about sharks." ( laughter ) which is a novelty twitter account that replaces words in trump's tweets to make them
about sharks. which is why the retweet says, "amen mark levin, preach brother! you shut down ed henry and the pro-shark media." ( laughter ) the president-- ( cheers and applause ) the president of the united states just tweeted the phrase, "pro-shark media," which means we've officially entered the dumbest time in human history. beating the previous dumbest time, when we thought a spooky bird mask could protect you from the black plague.irsk! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( clapping in time ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: okay. ( cheers and applause ) thank you, doctor.
drama from ukraine has anothere cast member because we just found out that secretary of state mike pompeo took part in the trump-zelensky phone call. ( audience reacts ) what was it, some sort of party line? ( laughter ) ( as sultry announcer ) "do you want to coerce a foreign leader into being your dirty little political opposition researcher? ( laughter ) or are you a naughty secretary of state who just likes to listen in? ( laughter ) call 1-900-quid-pro-quickie." ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) this pompeo knew the whole time is kind of a fun update, given th that "mr.ompeo well, of course he hadn't read it. he was there! it's the reason why i don't finish taping this show, and say, "okay, let's go read my monologue."
at this point, if you're defending trump, you're either a complete lapdog, or you're completely oblivious. and sometimes you're both. like house minority leader and happy business squirrel, kevin mccarthy. ( laughter ) uh, mccarthy sat down on "60 minutes," and scott pelley read the damning transcript. >> what do you make of this exchange? president zelensky says, "we are almost ready to buy more javelins from the united states for defense purposes." and president trump replies, "i would like you to do us a favor though." >> well, you just added another word. >> no, it's in the transcript. >> he said, "i'd like you to do a favor though"? >> yes, it's in the white house transcript. >> stephen: wow. ( laughter ) kevin mccarthy clearly did not do his reading before class. ( as student ) "in the end, turns out the great gatsby was the friends we made along the way." ( laughter ) now, things look bad. so pelley gave mccarthy the
chance to explain how the republicans will respond. >> how do you expect the president's defense to roll out going forward? >> the defense of what? >> well, there's an impeachment inquiry. >> yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: where has kevin mccarthy been? ( as mccarthy on phone ) "hello, cbs? yes, i'd love to come on '60 minutes.' yes, i've been in a coma at the bottom of an elevator shaft for the last week, so i'm coming in cold. let's just wing it." ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) trump also got some support from south carolina senator and regret made flesh, lindsey graham. ( booing ) graham appeared yesterday on "face the nation" and things got so heated that at one point lindsey made an oopsy. >> i think this thing stinks and let me tell you about republicans-- you want to know about republicans? republicans believe that you're guilty just by the accusation. ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: wow. >> jon: whoa! wait a minute! >> stephen: that is quite a freudian slip. ( as graham ) "yes, republicans are unjust,
unfair, and i want to kill daddy and marry mommy-- mommy warm." ( laughter ) no sunday press blitzkrieg would be complete without trump senior policy advisor and sociopathic hard-boiled egg stephen miller. ( laughter ) miller dismissed the whistleblower's complaint on fox news sunday. >> a partisan hit job does not make you a whistleblower just because you go through the whistleblower protection act. first of all, if you read the seven-page, little nancy drew novel that the whistleblower put together, it drips with condescension, righteous indignation and contempt for the president. >> stephen: oooh, a seven-page nancy drew novel! ( laughter ) i bet it's called: "nancy drew and the transcribed crime." ( laughter ) it's just-- ( it's an easy read. >> jon: just roll right through it. >> stephen: we've got a great show for yicnd ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ tthe bad news? ouyour patience might not.ay. new depend® fit-flex underwear offers your best comfort and protection guaranteed. because, perfect or not, life's better when you're in it. be there with depend®. so you don't have to stash antacids here.... here... or here. kick your antacid habit with prilosec otc. one pill a day, 24 hours, zero heartburn. gnocchis.s. raviolis. and them smokeys. curry. fried turkey. cacciatori. chimichurri. berry. mcflurry. (mcdonald's) half stack. taco pack. lobster mac. and them baby back baby backs. we are america's kitchen. doordash. every flavor welcome.
a more rewarding target run. with deals & surprises... it's free to join! you'll score more. and, help support your community. you're invited to target circle. a more rewarding target run is waiting for you. ( ♪ ) only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. they release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. tylenol®. herebuy a bunch of reese's.ck. (uh huh, there you go) turn off all the lights in your house. (yeah yeah) ( trick or treat!) and then just don't answer the door. not sorry, reese's.
( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! give it up for jon batiste and "stay human" right there! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whoo! >> jon: whoo! >> stephen: whoo! jon, !ed applause ) (rs a atelotso talkut there's a lot ot tab some days s o mu to talk about we have to do two monologues, so welcome to monologue number two.
now, in the first part of the monologue, i caught you up on donald trump's latest impeachment problems, but congressional democrats aren't the only ones trying to get him out of the oval office. there's also an election next year. and i will update you on that in tonight's "doin' it donkey style." >> protect the whistleblower! >> stephen: or words to that effect. ( applause ) folks, we learned something new and disturbing about minnesota senator amy klobuchar, seen here both denying it and supplying it. ( laughter )r revealed that shee killed a duck while playing golf. wasn't even an accident. she just wanted to feel something. ( laughter ) here's-- we make this stuff up. here's how klobuchar tells it: >> i did one time try to play golf, but i misfired on the first try and the ball hit a duck in the head, and it, yeah, it appeared-- it appeared to
perish. ( laughter ) >> stephen: tragically, she tried to warn it by yelling "duck!" but it just looked up at her. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) but the biggest news on the democratic side is that bernie sanders did an interview with "cosmopolitan" magazine. and i have to say, i love what he's done with his office. ( laughter ) the article was called: "cosmo asks bernie sanders the questions young women want answered." questions like "excuse me, sir, are you lost?" ( laughter ) the intetod ge of issues, including >> do you have a favorite >>onnk the corct answer is a cosmo! ( laughs ) >> oh, oh, the cosmo! >> stephen: oh, the cosmo. bernie knows about the cosmo. we all remember this scene from "sex and the city." ( laughter ) ( as sanders )
"i couldn't help but wonder: even though mr. big was gone, maybe the breakup we really needed was j.p. morgan and chase!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( piano riff ) cosmo. >> jon: uh-huh. i remember that scene. >> stephen: cosmo also got a little personal with bernie: >> what's your skin care routine? ( laughter ) >> stephen: don't do him like that! it's obviously nothing. ( laughter ) look at him. his face matches the wall! ( laughter ) but bernie did have an answer. >> do you moisturize? >> i put somethingdoor gave me g years ago and i put it on. >> stephen: ( as bernie ) "my skincare routine was and i've been using his magical face elixir ever since. ( laughter ) if you want some, just ask my doctor-- he's right over there." ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( audience clapping in time )
>> stephen: we'll be right back with hillary and chelsea clinton. join us, won't you? ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ ♪ can match the power of energizer. because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. backed by science. matched by no one. we are literally going to hogwarts right now. this is unexpected. ahhhh! whoaaa! this is incredible. we just got off hagrid, and it is by far the best ride.
it's either the assucertification process. or it isn't. it's either testing an array of advanced safety systems. or it isn't. it's either the peace of mind of a standard unlimited mileage warranty. or it isn't. for those who never settle, it's either mercedes-benz certified pre-owned. or it isn't. only at your authorized mercedes-benz dealer. and take an extra 15 or 20% off! introducing scott living - new at kohl's... save on bath towels - just $6.79... and save on a new coffee maker. plus - take an extra $20 off your $100 purchase!... plus - get kohl's cash! right now - at kohl's.
( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )y,dy!weome ck! cheers and applause ) tsight mother and a gentlemen, t a daughter who have authored 13 books, run for president, and advocated for children around the world. their new book is called "the book of gutsy women." please welcome back to "the late show," secretary hillary rodham clinton and chelsea clinton! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you both for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> glad to see you. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you! >> stephen: very nice. >> very nice.
>> stephen: these are people who are big fans of the alternate timeline we're not living in. ( laughter ) so nice to have you both back here. >> thank you. >> stephen: and i want to talk about your new book, "the book of gutsy women." >> right. right. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and we're going to do that in just a minute, i promise you. ( laughter ) but your fault for coming on ukraine week. ( laughter ) now, we learned about thukine ce server. >> mmm. >> stephen: is it time to, dare i say, lock him up? ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) what do you make of it? >> well-- ( audience chanting "lock him up" ) >> stephen: i created a monster. i apologize. ( laughter ) >> okay. so, here we are, and we have
started an impeachment inquiry, which we'll look at the evidence, and i think that's exactly what should be done. i believe strongly that this particular incident has had such a huge impact because we've known for a long time that he was a corrupt businessman who cheated people, and we've known that he and his campaign asked for aid from russia, we've known that. but to see him in the office of the president, putting his own personal and political interests ahead of the national security of our country, just pierced through whatever confusion or denial people had. and, at that point, speaker pelosi rightly said this is something we have to investigate, and that's what's going on. ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: it seems-- yeah, i was never a big "let's impeach him" fan. i thought we should go to the ballot box. but when someone is clearly using the office that they're in to subvert the ballot box-- >> right. >> stephen: to use by corrupt means influence from other countries to maintain their office, what good is the ballot box at that point? you have to hold them to account ahead of time. >> well, and that's what t iswanded tbeif there will be another election, we would have lived with that, but instead, they said there may come a time when a president has subverted the constitution, has abused power, has taken actions that put the nation at risk, and therefore, we've got to have a remedy between elections, and that's what's being looked at now.
>> stephen: um, now, some people may not know this but back in february of 1974 you were one of the people who worked on the constitutional grounds for presidential impeachment-- >> ( laughs ) yes, i did. >> stephen: --impeachment referring to president nixon. ( applause ) >> as i like to say, you cannot make my life up, really. ( laughter ) yeah, can't make it up. >> stephen: trump keeps trying to. >> he does, he does. he attributes all kinds of things. but, you know, i remember very well working on that, i was a very young lawyer and, coincidentally, one of the young republican lawyers was bill weld, now running against donald trump on the republican ticket, and had been governor of massachusetts, and we wrote that because we wanted to do the best impeblwh actuaif y read , it's
short two-page conclusion that lays out exactly what you were saying, stephen, someone who is using the office to subvert the constitution, to undermine the oath that he took to protect and defend the constitution and the american people, that's what falls right into the definition of an impeachable offense. >> stephen: um, chelsea, when you see the present president of the united states so obsessed with secretary clinton, your mother, you must have an urge to protect your mother or defend your mother or, uh, slap his mouth-- ( laughter ) when he says her name, which, of course, would get you arrested by the secret service, but why do you think he is so obsessed with your mom? >> well, i think some days i think he thinks about her more than i do, which is saying a lot. ( laughter ) ( applause )
because i think about her a lot. and, you know, stephen, i do, um, kind of feel a need to protect her, because i do worry about her, given what we continue to see at his rallies like the rabid "lock her up" chants. >> stephen: years later. three years later! >> years later, that it's still kind of his greatest hit, is troubling to me, and i'm so proud of my mom. you're one of my original gutsy women. i'm so proud of all that she's done. ( cheers and applause ) yeah, #gutsywomen, but ultimately, you know, first and foremost, she's my mom, and now she's charlotte, aidan and jasper's grandma, so i do feel the need to protect her, and
yet, most of all, i just am so grateful that she just continues to keep standing and standing for what she knows is right. >> stephen: well-- ( cheers and applause ) right before we came out here, for the people at home, we're recording this in the early evening here on monday, and before we came out to do the show, we found out mike pompeo, who is secretary of state, the job you used to have, who said, like, i haven't read the whistleblower complaint, turns out he was on the phone call with the ukrainian president. secretary of state did you have to say so barack obama, you can't extort foreign countries enemies? ( laughter ) i mean, did you lose count how many times you did that? >> yeah, that never happened, no. ( laughter ) and-- >> stephen: what is the secretary of state's job in the moment, to advise the president?
>> well, the secretary of state's job is to make sure that he knows, number one, what the president is going to say on those calls. i mean, these are usually very highly prepared calls and, you know, state department and defense department and everybody will send over, you know, talking points. >> stephen: sure. >> and, you know, we'll meet with the president and go over the talking points, and the president might say, well, you know, i would rather emphasize this or what about that? fair game, absolutely. and because you've got a president who doesn't listen to anybody and doesn't follow instructions whatsoever, i'm not sure they've even given up on trying to give him any sorts of preparation because they don't know what he's going to say. but what the whistleblower tells us, and res talkhat some of the, you know, republican defenders of the president are saying about how this is hearsay, it was an admission from the white house. i mean, the transcript of the
phone call was put out by the white house, and the whistleblower has a depth of understanding that needs to be taken seriously about what happened. and the whistleblower says, in the situation room, as i recall, they're doing the call, and as soon as trump starts in on this, people are going, "oh, whoa, what happened? what did he say?" and that's why they immediately tried to limit the-- extension of that phone call to be shared with other people, why they put it on a highly-classified system important secrets, like the osama bin laden raid, because even though there's nothing classified in it, the president's behavior was at least embarrassing if not illegal and impeachable. so, i think if the secretary of state was on the call as is now being reported, he should have been one of the very first people to just say, wait a minute, we've got to clean this up, you can't let that stand.
but we don't know what he did. >> stephen: what would-- as secretary of state, how would you feel if the president was sending rudy giuliani out to actually handle foreign policy? ( laughter ) because that's what he says. he's saying, i'll hook you up with my private attorney. >> yeah, that would be a big problem. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay. >> you know, presidents often use, as do secretaries of state, you know, they might use an envoy or a special advisor to deliver a message. but, again, it is supposed to be carefully thought through, and from what we've seen on television, carefully thinking through is not one of rudy's strong points. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we have to take a little bit of a break. but don't go anywhere. we'll be back with more hillary and chelsea clinton and talk about "the book of gutsy women." stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
too shabby! too much! too perfect! i can rent this? for that price? absolutely. what is this, some kind of fairy tale? it's just right! book your just right rental at thrifty.com. oh! baby bear! o♪ic! oh! oh (announcer) people with type 2 diabetes are excited about the potential of once-weekly ozempic®. thbloogary with ozempic®, anantaint.d an a1cof less 7 oh! under 7? (announcer) and you may lose weight. in the same one-year study, adults lost on average up to 12 pounds. oh! up to 12 pounds? ozempoe increase the risk of major cardiovascular events like heart attack, stroke, or death. oh! no increased risk? (announcer) ozempic® should not be the first medicine for treating diabetes, or for people
with type 1 diabetes or diabetic ketoacidosis. do not share needles or pens. don't reuse needles. do not take ozempic® if you have a personal or family history of medullary thyroid cancer, multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2, or if you are allergic to ozempic®. stop taking ozempic® and get medical help right away if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, severe stomach pain, itching, rash, or trouble breathing. serious side effects may happen, including pancreatitis. tell your doctor if you have diabetic retinopathy or vision changes. taking ozempic® with a sulfonylurea or insulin may increase the risk for low blood sugar. common side effects are nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stomach pain, and constipation. some side effects can lead to dehydration, i discovered the potentialtion. with ozempic®. ♪ oh! oh! oh! ozempic®! ♪ (announcer) if eligible, you may pay as little as $25 per prescription. ask your health care provider today about once-weekly ozempic®.
( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! i'm here with the authors of "the book of gutsy women," hillary and chelsea clinton. y. how does that feel? ( cheers and applause ) >> you know, i have to say it feels great. when i ran, there were more women in space than women running for president, right? >> there were two.
>> and now we have-- we've had enough women to field a basketball team. i mean, it's really a big step forward. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah. i think elizabeth warren can dunk, too. ( laughter ) um... have you endorsed anyone? >> no. no, i'm not going to. >> stephen: no? >> hmm-um. >> stephen: what if somebody came out and said let's get rid of the electoral college? >> i think they've all said that. i've said that since 2000, and boy did i mean it in 2000. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so you wrote this book together. >> right. >> stephen: this is the first book you've written together. you've both written several books, but this is the first book you've written together. what are your writing styles like? do your writing styles mesh? >> no. >> stephen: because it's not that easy to collaborate. >> so, stephen-- >> we could have gone all night without you asking me this question. ( laughter ) >> and this is one of my favorite topics. >> oh. >> stephen: okay.
>> and i'm sure i will get my comeuppance when my children make fun of me some day. >> stephen: okay. >> so, i knew that my mother still wrote longhand, but i didn't know what that would mean for our process until i got truly, like photographed copies of pages that my mother had written longhand to show where she was on her progress, and i would have e-mailed her like word documents, things flagged i wanted her to look at, and she couldn't figure out how to open the comment boxes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you only work longhand like this? >> and google docs are her friend if he would only-- >> oh, my gosh! >> stephen: this is-- this is-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> okay, all right, in my defense-- where's rudy giuliani when i need him? ( laughter ) >> you never need him. >> in my defense, look, computers and everything are fine, but for writing a book that, i mean, for me, because of the way i came up doing it, i
just need to have that pen between my fingers and make all the arrows and turn the page over and do all of that. >> stephen: sure. >> and she could still do that, like, on the computer. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: it does look a little bit like you're up in a cabin writing your manifesto. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, who is the-- >> let's go back and talk about impeachment. ( laughter ) >> stephen: who is-- who is the latest gutsy woman who impresses you both? >> greta thunberg. ( cheers and applause ) tephen: why do you thih.yeah. efforts, we had written about her because i was fascinated by this, you know, schoolgirl starting this strike for climate change awareness, and i thought, "wow, that's pretty gutsy." and the fact that the first day
nobody joined her and it was a pretty lonely enterprise, and then to see her speak truth to power in the united nations, to leaders who should know better, do know better and refuse to take action, i loved that. ( applause ) >> stephen: well, the book is "the book of gutsy women," and it is secretary hillary clinton and chelsea clinton, the authors. thank you so much for being here. >> thank you, stephen. >> stephen: nice to see you. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) we'll be right back! fish roe. risotto. buffalo. (buffalo wild wings) gelato. cheesecake. (cheesecake factory) grilled steak. clam bake. milkshake. brussels sprout. sauerkraut. fresh-caught trout. alfalfa sprout. curry. fried turkey. mcflurry. (mcdonald's) cacciatori. ad-lib: (inhale) spiral ham. blackberry jam. rack of lamb. candied yams. pokes. smokeys. gnocchis. and them banging raviolis. we are america's kitchen.
doordash. every flavor welcome. (worried) i'm not picking it up. you pick it up! i'm not picking it up! i'll pick it up! they're clean! (raps) 'cuz my hiney's clean. oh yeah i'm charmin clean. charmin ultra strong just cleans better. enjoy the go with charmin. [ "turn around, look at me" ♪ there is someone ♪ walking behind you ♪ turn around ♪ look at me ♪ there is someone ♪ look at me ♪ dancing on the people i got people on the people, people ♪ [screaming] ♪with the people on the people ♪ smoking co2 ♪ see me see you dancing on the people ♪
♪ climb up on the booth ♪ hanging from the people on the people ♪ another foodie trip. who even cares? 211 people. thanks, captain obvious. don't hate-like their trip, book yours with hotels.com and get rewarded basically everywhere. that fish is done, carol. hotels.com. be there. do that. get rewarded. tthe bad news? our so will this recital.day. new depend® fit-flex underwear offers your best comfort and protection guaranteed. bbe there with depend®., life's bettewh
( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) somebody living with hiv? keep being you. and ask your doctor about biktarvy. biktarvy is a complete one-pill, once-a-day treatment it's not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv with three different medicines to undetectable. that means the amount of virus is so low it can't be measured in lab tests. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. rare, life-threatening side effects include a build-up of lactic acid and liver problems. do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take,
if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. if you're hiv-positive, keep loving who you are, inside and out. ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. goodreally? (sighs) have you tried merrick yet?
>> stephen: their album "ode to joy" comes out friday. performing "everyone hides," please welcome back to "the late show," wilco. ( cheers and aus ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ if you're telling yourself a story ♪ where the secrets twist like vines ♪ and you know where the bodies are buried ♪ but you can't remember where you buried the mines