tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 22, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
final reminder right here. kpix 5 is your survival guide captioning sponsored by cbs >> the first game of the n.b.a. season is set to tip off tonight, but the conflict with china is still a cloud over the league. ♪ ♪ >> welcome to cbs sports. i'm larry boberry. >> and i'm gary nanananafoferry. >> well, grandma's flipping pancakes, and grandpa's in the urn. the n.b.a. season is officially underway. >> that's right. after a rocky start to the season, we're excited to put the hong kong controversy behind us and focus on some b-ball. >> he means basketball. >> "b" is the first letter. tonight, we're bringing you the lakers versus the clippers, and the laker offense is on fire tonight. >> that they are. they're coming at the clippers like the chinese government on a
pro-democracy protestor. ♪ ♪ and by that last comment, i meant they're coming at them in a reasonable, lawful, humane way in accordance with the benevolent president for life, xi jinping. >> x.j.p. great guy. now back to the action. >> and lebron is stepping to the line for two free throws. >> you know what else should be free? tibet. ♪ ♪ >> okay, staying focused on the game. it's a toss-up. isn't that right, gary? ( speaking chinese ) >> couldn't have said it any better myself. from all of us at cbs sports-- >> nihao! >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight quid pro woah! plus, stephen welcomes john lithgow and camila mendes featuring jon batiste and stay human.
and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: beautiful! beautiful! nihao. hello, jon. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. please have a seat. my oh, my. oh, lordy. welcome, welcome, one and all, ladies and gentlemen, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it is important-- ( cheers and applause ) thanks, folks, thank you. wonderful, wonderful audience. now, folks, it is important, i believe, to admit when you're
wrong. we talk a lot about how donald trump is this corrupt guy who deserves to be dragged out of office kicking and screaming ( cheers and applause ) but-- but when i'm wrong, i'll be sure to let you know. not tonight. because we just learned this after he's just awful. and i'll tell you all about in today's edition of "don and the giant impeach." >> quid pro quo, quid pro quo. eight times. ( applause ) >> stephen: today, we got a firsthand witness to trump going ukraine in the membrane: former u.s. ambassador to ukraine and man whose eyebrows are testifying separately, bill taylor. taylor sat down for the house impeachment inquiry, this after, closed door. we don't have all the details yet, but sources in the room say his testimony was "incredibly damaging to the president," and that his opening statement was 15 pages long and prompted "a
lot of sighs and gasps." it was-- hold on. hold the-- what the-- it was incredibly damaging to the president? ( gasps ) and it might get him impeached? ( sighs ) ( laughter ) now, you may remember, taylor was the diplomat who exchanged text messages with trump conspirator, u.s. ambassador to the e.u., and man beloved for his catchphrase "derrr, whatever you say boss," gordon sondland. in one of their exchanges, taylor texted sondland, "are we now saying that security assistance and white house . meeting are conditioned on investigations?" to which sondland replied, "call me." "call me, but do not call me to testify before congress, because there ain't no way to explain this." now, we all imagine we know what
happened on that subsequent call, but today, taylor revealed what actually happened on that call, and it's exactly what you imagined happened on that call. taylor was told by sondland that president trump insisted that the "release of ukraine aid was contingent on a public declaration to investigate the bidens and the 2016 election." do you understand what this means? we finally have solid evidence of the crime that trump and his chief of staff have already confessed to committing on camera. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) taylor-- true. it's true, jon. it's true! 7. >> jon: they did it, you know? >> stephen: taylor testified that "ambassador sondland also told me that he now recognized that he had made a mistake by earlier telling the ukrainian officials that a white house meeting with president zelensky was dependent on a public announcement of investigations." okay, well, the ambassador reizt was a mistake to make the white house meeting dependent on ukraine announcing
these investigations, because, in fact, "everything was dependent on such an announcement, including security assistance." so trump was holding everything hostage! ( as trump ) "just make the announcement, ukraine, and i'll give you the white house trip, military aid to fight the russians, and a beautiful new dinette set from broyhill. ( laughter ) and, if you act now, i'll throw in this gently-used constitution. i don't really want it." ( cheers and applause ) holding up military aid for political gain seemed kind of fishy to taylor, but the ambassador tried to assure him it was completely normal. quoth taylor. : well, that's a ridiculous
analogy. when he was a businessman, donald trump never paid anyone. ( cheers and applause ) although-- never did. never. although, this time he might because it's not his money. it's ours. and last night, to defend himself, trump went to his se space: fox news. ( to the tune of the "cheers" theme song) ♪ sometimes you wanna go where they don't ask about ukraine ♪ ( laughter ) ( applause ) now trump-- trump talked about the transcript of his phone call with ukraine's president and assured us that he knew what it was not. >> it's not a letter. it's a conversation taken down and transcribed. >> stephen: okay, good to know. good to know. a phone call is not a letter. go on: >> they don't talk about that anymore, because that letter was so good. that letter is a perfect conversation with a man-- congratulations on your win. and to impeach over a letter
like that. but they don't mention the letter anymore. >> stephen: no, they don't mention the letter anymore because it's not a letter. it's a phone call. but if pelosi wants to impeach you over this, i say "let her." ( cheers and applause ) then-- >> jon: that's a good clean attack. great execution. wonderful joke. >> stephen: then trump argued that you can't impeach over something as innocent as a phone call that is not a letter. >> it is one thing if you commit a real crime. this was a conversation. it wasn't even a big deal! "hey, how you doing? blah, blah, blah." >> stephen: well, yeah, everything sounds innocent if you replace it with "blah, blah, i mean, remember this scene from "avengers?" >> what i'm about to do to your stubborn, annoying little planet... blah, blah, blah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: thanos, thanos did
nothing wrong. thanos did nothing wrong. then trump complained about the way the media treats him. >> you know who was covered worse than me, they say? >> who? >> abraham lincoln. i've heard that one person-- it used to be five or six, but now down to one-- honest abe lincoln. they say he got the worst press of anybody. i say i dispute it. >> stephen: (as trump) "okay? lincoln, lincoln: great president, and he got bad press. i get bad press. therefore, i must be a great president. but you know who really got bad press? charlie manson. greatest president ever." ( applause ). >> stephen: trump was also asked about-- some manson fans tonight, all right. trump was also asked about possible 2020 opponents, and made sure he got all his nicknames right. >> the last time i took on elizabeth warren i thought she was gone-- embers, you know, burning embers down-- >> pocahontas. >> and-- pocahontas. >> stephen: what a kiss-ass. "teacher, teacher! you almost dismissed us without
calling the exchange student a racist name!" ( laughter ) at one point, the interview turned a little wistful. with the election just around the corner, the president took a moment to remember those inspirational first moments. >> we're getting down to 12 months. can you believe it? when iirst went right in the corner of that beautiful building, and i was in the first-- first night with the d i't standing in an area where abe lincoln was, and all of them were... and that's the way it was. and i'm standing there, and i'm saying, wow, four years. that's a long time. >> stephen: yes. yes, it's an eternity. if a single dove-- ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. mr. john lithgow is here.
but when we return, lithgow is rudy giuliani. stick around. in the storied tradition of his great-great-grandmother, goldi knows to never compromise. too shabby! too much! too perfect! i can rent this? for that price? absolutely. what is this, some kind of fairy tale? it's just right! book your just right rental at thrifty.com. oh! baby bear!
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. give it up for the band, jon batiste and stay human. all night long. there you go. >> jon: you gotta get it right in there. >> stephen: jon, these people are here on a very good night. we have one of the most delightful people. abraham lincoln will be out here in a moment. >> lithgow.
>> stephen: as i was talking about earlier, we keep learning new details about the ukraine story. and the more we learn, the worse things look for trump's personal lawyer and taxidermy owl that the dog got after, rudy giuliani. ever since the original whistleblower report, rudy has been on tv doing damage control, minus the control. >> we've got an anonymous whistleblower who says that donald trump did something wrong. donald trump, like hunter biden says, i didn't do anything wrong. >> forget the whistleblower. we have the transcript of the call-- >> shhhhhhhh. >> --and the president's remarks on the lawn. >> wait. wait. before you interrupt me, howard-- >> stephen: classic legal defense. ( as judge ) "sir, your client stands accused of multiple counts of arson. how does he plead?" ( as lawyer ) "your honor, the defendant pleads shhhhhhhhhhh." but rudy has good reason to shut people up, because last week, our old buddy, ambassador gordon sondland here, testified that trump personally directed giuliani to pressure ukraine. and there's more from energy secretary rick perry, seen here
pointing to the empty place ( laughter ) perry claims-- perry claims that giuliani was going around pushing weird conspiracy theories. for instance, rudy blamed ukraine for the dossier about trump's alleged ties to russia, and asserted that ukraine had hillary clinton's email server and "dreamed up" evidence that helped send former trump campaign chairman, paul manafort, to jail. of course, all of rudy's conspiracy theories have been debunked. and i have a feeling that giuliani may soon be manafort's "debunk" mate, because he himself-- ( cheers and applause ) because he himself is now the subject of a federal counter-intelligence investigation, after two of his ukraine-linked business associates were arrested on campaign finance charges. now, that sounds bad, but we
should not jump to any conclusions about their guilt. these two men-- gah! don't hurt me! take my wallet! take it! take my money! take it! ( laughter ) of course, there's no proof connecting these guys to giuliani, unless you count the photos of them smoking cigars together, this video of them drinking together in the trump hotel, and the fact that giuliani was paid $500,000 by their company, which is called-- and this is real-- fraud guarantee. ( laughter ) ( applause ) yes! ♪ ♪ fraud guarantee. he even did a little work for their retail outfit, crime-mart. so, did rudolph giuliani and his fraud buddies lead the president into impeachment by pushing debunked conspiracy theories? here to tell us is the man himself, trump's personal attorney, rudy giuliani. ( cheers and applause ) mr. mayor, mr. mayor, thank you
for joining us. >> shhhhhhhhh! stephen, shhhh! >> stephen: i-- i haven't asked you anything yet. >> i know, and your facts are all wrong. so shhh! so shhhhush it! zip it! and ask me a question. >> stephen: okay. mr. mayor, how do you respond to critics who say that you were traveling the world pushing debunked conspiracies as part of a scheme to help the president's re-election? >> that's ridiculous, stephen. i was simply bringing the american people the truth about the bidens! and that's not all. ( laughter ) i now have reason to believe that the 2016 election was not hacked by the russians. it was hacked by hunter biden, who is actually a "men in black" style alien, being operated by a tiny hillary clinton in his neck. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: okay. wow. that's a bold assertion. that is-- that is. sir, that's a bold assertion. do you have any proof of that? >> not yet. or ever.
( laughter ) i'm not falling into the proof trap! >> stephen: well... what exactly were you doing with ambassador sondland and rick perry? >> when you're solving big, spooky mysteries, you need a it was gordon sondland, rick perry, velma, and me, rudy-rudy-rooooooo! ( laughter ) stephen, if you'll excuse me, it's time for a rudy snack. ( laughter ) >> stephen: mr, mayor, mr. mayor, are you drinking? >> shhhh. shhhh. i can't hear myself drink. >> stephen: well, mr. giuliani, your investigations have caused a lot of trouble for the white house. former national security adviser john bolton reportedly called you a hand grenade who would blow everyone up. what do you say to that? >> stephen, that's crazy. grenades are used by highly trained soldiers. i'm more like a can of hairspray someone turns into a flamethrower during a prison riot.
( laughter ) that's also what happened to my teeth. >> stephen: i got it. well, your fraud guarantee associates were arrested with one-way tickets to vienna just hours after you met with them. and you were also scheduled to fly to vienna. what were you planning to do there? >> stephen, shhh. i was going to vienna because i love classical music. and i have reason to believe that hunter biden has stolen mozart's bones! ( laughter ) and he wasn't alone. everyone was in on it: the deep state, podesta, george soros. also... ummm-- hold on, let me consult my research department. ( laughter ) the lizard people, bigfoot, the chupacabra. i know him. we have the same dentist. ( laughter ) >> stephen: mr. mayor, mr. mayor-- lovely orthodontia.
mr. mayor, this kind of behavior is exactly why you, yourself, are under a counterintelligence investigation. >> it won't work, stephen, because i am counter-counter investigating them! i've teamed with a new bulgarian company, "certified rip-off. ( laughter ) they're going to fund my space expedition to get to the bottom of hunter biden's business deal with the nazis in the center of the moon! the mayor of outer space! ( laughter ) the deep state! they've got my wine! >> stephen: mayor rudy giuliani, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with john lithgow. ♪ ♪
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back! what a lovely night. what a lovely night, jon. my first guest tonight is the tony and emmy award-winning actor you know from "the crown," "dexter," and "terms of endearment." please welcome back to "the late show", john lithgow. ♪ oh, john oh, john ♪ >> stephen: delightful to see you again. so nice to see you. >> and it's me. >> stephen: i know! you just missed rudy giuliani a moment ago. >> i know, i know. >> stephen: i'm worried about that guy. >> it was nuts backstage, i'm telling you. >>teen: you just celebrated your birthday, happy birthday. >> thank you. >> stephen: saturday, sunday? >> saturday.
( applause ). >> stephen: saturday, did you make-- did you make a big to-do out of it? did you do anything fun? >> well, i had a nice romantic lunch with my wife. and then i took her off to see her first look at "bombshell" a film coming out in december, in which i play roger ales, looking about 300 pounds with jowls and earlobes and fat nose. she still hasn't recovered. ( laughter ) so that was my birthday present to her. ( laughter ) this is how bad it can get. >> stephen: so enjoy me while you can. >> yes, exactly. >> stephen: now the movie's getting a lot of buzz. people are very excited about it. nicole kid man, margot robbie, charlize theron. here you are as roger ales. completely unrecognizable. how long did it take you to achieve this? >> well, i just sat there. it was no problem to me.
but it was a two-and-a-half-hour session. and it was 17 shooting days, so that was -- >> stephen: sure. >> that's a lot of time in your life. >> stephen: i want to point out, john lithgow, it's your business, and i'm not telling you how to do your job. but here you are as ales. and here you were as churchill in "the crown." for both of them -- ( applause ) for both of them you had to wear what's called a fat suit. >> that's right. >> stephen: why not just have fun and gain the wait for both parts? >> it might make sense. i mean, it seems to be all they want of me is big fat, bald men. >> stephen: if you had to, if you had to put on, like, 80 pounds, or whatever it is, what would be your go-to? what would do you? >> i would call the fat suit people. they make the best fat suits. it does make you somewhat relaxed about what you're eating during the time you'rtting
on-- during which time you're shooting the show. >> stephen: yes. >> but i didn't intentionally put on any weight. >> stephen: okay. >> i just relied on -- >> stephen: there's no go-to snack that you would eat all you possibly could? >> pasta! pasta! pasta! ( applause ). >> stephen: a little alfredo. >> yeah, pesto, alfredo. just about anything. i think that's how de niro did it for "raging bill. glvment i think he worked his way down italy. he ate italy. you wrote an op-ed in the "new york times." >> yes, i did. >> stephen: this past week. and it was entitled, trump is bade president. he is an even worse entertainer." okay, counter, here's my counter-argument. if he's such a bad entertainer, why can't we look away? >> well, i mean, when it comes to entertainment, there's absolutely no accounting for taste. >> stephen: sure. >> i mean, i look at trump and i e a man who has no sense of
irony, wit, self-awareness, even. >> stephen: never seen him laugh. >> and i've never seen him attempt to tell an actual joke. he mangles everything approaching a punchline. and yet, he, god knows, he commands an enormous audience. he's entertaining somebody all right. it makes me think of how shakespeare must have felt putting on "hamlet" in one part london, while the entire town flocked to bear baiting across the river. what do you have to do? >> stephen: watching trump is like watching a blood sport. >> yeah. >> stephen: yeah. >> theone thing that he has achieved in entertainment, he's turned our comics into geniuses, you included. >> stephen: oh, that's very nice of you to say. what a lovely guest you are. what a lovely guest ( applause ). >> i say that in all sincerity. i think you are an important person. and i think satire and comedy at this moment, political satire
it's never been more important. >> stephen: that's very nice of you to say. i did work for "important central" for many years. you have written a new book, which i'm really looking for to. "dumpty." with your own original art. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: your own original art. "the age of trump in verse." it's stories of trump's presidency told in poems with your own art. i particularly like this one, there's truvmenty dumpty sitting on the wall. have you always been a visual artist? >> i intended to be a visual artist, a painter, printmaker when i was young. but, you know, i heard too much applause and laughter. i grew up in a theater family. and i went into the theater business in spite of myself. but i've maintained it. i do christmas cards. i do drawings of the cast on opening nights of shows. >> stephen: oh, wow. >> or of the crew at the end of the shoots on films.
and i -- >> stephen: do you work on commission, because i've always wanted a portrait. >> for a price. >> stephen: for a price? okay. why-- why capture this presidency in verse? why did this particular art form >>ou know, it's the last thing that occurred to me. i didn't think i would set out to write a boong of political humor in verse. but something happened which was the actual inciting event. i was asked to perform for the new york public theater gala. they do an annual gala in central park. they asked me to come and sing the "patter" song from "pirates of pensance." i am the very model of a modern major general. i never played the part, but i said yes. and i decided to perform it as ex-lieutenant general michael t. flynn. ( laughter ) put a little-- put a little-- give a little point to the evening. and i came out on stage on the night in a navy suit and a red
tie, and michael flynn makeup, almost as good as my rudy giuliani makeup. and i launched into the actual gilbert & sullivan song, sang -- >> stephen: is that this one? >> yeah, although the audience had no idea what-- who i was impersonating until i got to the end of the second verse. i tweaked last couplet. i sang ♪ then i can hum a fiewj of which i heard the music ♪ there's never been a general the likes of michael flynn-a-fore♪ and it spread this realization in the audience. "oh, that's what he's doing." and then i slowed the tempo down to a ponderous pace, and i sang my own rewritten lyrics to the third verse. i sang ♪ when president obama made me head of all things clandestine
♪ he realized he'd brought to life a governmental frankenstein ♪ but then i made a killing in a case of public pillory ♪ by shouting her lock her up ♪ in my harangue opposing hillary ♪ ♪ so i was chosen national security advisory ♪ until i left the crafty russian secret service hire me ♪ now i've become the target of a superb council crime report ♪ a fate i share with cohen, donald jr., and with manafort ♪ ( laughter ) ( applause ) ♪ i plead the fifth amendment when the public and the press attack ♪ my meeting jared kushner in a room with sergi kislyak ♪ in short vegetable, animal, and mineral i am the very model of an ex-lieutenant general ♪ ( applause ) and i got exactly this response.
and about months later, i met with my literary editor. we were trying to figure out what i should write. i remembered this evening. i sang the song to him the way i just sang it to you, and he looked at me and said, "there's your book." and here's my book. ( cheers and applause ) and here's michael t. flynn as the major general. it's one of the very first poems i wrote story it. >> stephen: his book "dumpty: the age of trump in verse" is available now. the man john lithgow, everybody! we'll be right back with a bed time story with julie andrews.
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welcome back! every night, we pride ourselves on giving you a whole lot of stuff. but sometimes, there's too much for the show hole. for instance, last night, i had a lovely conversation with the legendary julie andrews, but some of it just wouldn't fit. so it is my pleasure right now to present this spoonful of sugar. >> you shut down the show at the
time. you said turn off the cameras! >> stephen: because i was in character and i couldn't really enjoy you as much as i would. >> you were so great, though, stephen. >> stephen: thank you very much. a poem we started to do together at the time was "the king's breakfast" by a.a. milne. >> that's right. you asked me if i knew an a.a. milne poem. and i said yes, but do you know-- and i started to recite it. and you said, "stop cameras. i've got to give her a hug. it's one of my favorite poems." >> stephen: my mother used to read this to me as a child. we're probably out of time, but you would-- i would just love if we could read the king's breakfast by a.a. milne together. >> i would love to. shall i do the voices and you do the narrative. or vice versa. >> stephen: i'll do the narrative-- >> i think i remember it. >> stephen: you're the
director. i'm just pigment on your brush, julie. >> oh, shut up! "the king's breakfast by a.a. milne. stephen colbert and julie andrews. the king asked the queen, and the queen asked the dairymaid, >> "could we have some butter for the royal slice of bread?" the queen asked the dairymaid, the dairymaid said, "certainly, i'll go and tell the cow now before she goes to bed." the dairymaid, she curtsied, and went and told the alderney, "don't forget the butter for the royal slice of bread." the alderney said sleepily, "you'd better tell his majesty that many people nowadays like marmalade instead." the dairymaid said, "fancy!" and went to tell her majesty. she curtsied to the queen, and she turned a little red. "excuse me, your majesty, for taking of the liberty, but marmalade is tasty, if it's very thickly spread." the queen said "oh!" and went to tell his majesty, "talking of
the butter for the royal slice of bread, many people think that marmalade is nicer. would you like to try a little marmalade instead?" the king said, "bother!" and then he said, "oh, deary me!" the king sobbed, "oh, deary me!" and went back to bed. "nobody," he whimpered, "could call me a fussy man; i only wanted a little bit of butter for my bread!" the queen said, "there, there!" and went to the dairymaid. the dairymaid said, "there, there!" and went to the shed. the cow said, "there, there! i didn't really mean it; here's milk for his porringer, and butter for his bread." the queen took the butter and brought it to his majesty; the king said, "butter, eh?" and bounced out of bed. "nobody," he said, as he kissed her tenderly, "nobody," he said, as he slid down the banisters, "nobody, my darling, could call me a fussy man-- but i do like a little bit of butter to my bread!"
bravo, you! >> stephen: brava! i'll take, that young lady. thank you. >> you were terrific! >> stephen: thank you. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: that was such a delight. thank you, julie. >> stephen: the book "homework" is available now. julie andrews, everybody. only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. they release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. tylenol®. for fast pain relief. i am totally blind. and non-24 can make me show up too early... or too late. or make me feel like i'm not really "there." talk to your doctor, and call 844-234-2424. 3 after trying it for a week, dovlike crystal.ials underarms are so smooth to the touch and i love that fresh smell i feel amazingly protected i'm definitely feeling more confident
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: folks, my next guest is an actress you know best as veronica lodge from the hit series, "riverdale." >> a little over four. >> grand? that's great. >> hundred, archie. i think i overestimated the financial pull of your pictorials. hey! we're just getting started. maybe we can do a magic mike night. or, dare i say, you boys go the full monty.
>> stephen: please welcome, camila mendes! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hi! >> hi! i am so happy to be here! >> stephen:e mice to meet you. >> i'm kind of geeking out a little bit. >> stephen: really? why? >> because we used to watch your episodes in my u.s. government class. those were, like, my favorite days in high school. >> stephen: your teacher would show you, or you would just watch my show rather than go to class? >> no, he would play it for us. >> stephen: your teacher would show you in high school my show. >> yes. >> stephen: "the colbert report." you know i made most of that stuff up, right? >> oh, wow. >> stephen: what did you learn from it? >> it's hard to say. it was a different time then. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, those were the "before" times. >> it was a lot of laughs, a lot
of laughs. >> stephen: i'm very glass. do you think anybody is showing "riverdale" in a classroom somewhere? >> no, although, it is honestly just as absurd as the times these days, so... >> stephen: i think what's amazing to me about "riverdale" is that it is the most unlikely cultural phenomenon i could imagine. not that that you guys aren't great, but what i mean is it's the archie comics as a sexy drama. >> yeah, it's genius! >> stephen: how is that possible? >> it's a cw thing. we take classic comic book stuff ask we make it dark and sexy. >> stephen: i'm familiar with the formula. you've done it very well. you were a student at n.y.u. here? >> i did, i went to n.y.u. here for four years. >> stephen: so you know the city very well. >> yeah. >> stephen: were you there when you got the gig on "riverdale"? >> i graduated a semester early. i was finishing up just as i was auditioning for "riverdale."
>> stephen: you were auditioning while you were in school? >> yeah. >> stephen: did you like that. they wanted it you to stay in school. >> it's absurd. how else am i going to pay off the loans? >> stephen: we want to teach you do it not go do it. >> i get it because acting school is all about participation. because it's kind of mean to grade you off talent. imagine getting an "f" in an acting class? what did you have to do to get an "f"? >> stephen: be bad, i guess.>>h? >> stephen: did you get all "a"s? >> you know, stephen, freshman year was rough for me. >> stephen: for everybody. >> for everybody. but i turned around and -- >> stephen: do you remember your audition for veronica. it wasn't that long ago, i'm guessing. >> four years ago. i do. i remember it being a very stressful day. i was 30 minutes late. >> stephen: for the audition? >> for the audition. >> stephen: that's not good. >> and i was the very last person they were seeing, and i managed to squeeze in an audition. and i got there 30 minutes late,
my hair was frizzy. it was raining that day. and i remember the casting director telling me, she's like, "you're a little matte right now. at cw we're glossy. gross lips, cheeks are glowing. come back a few days from now." they brought me back for a producer session. >> stephen: it took you that long to get gross. >> it took me a weekend doing a crash course on makeup. >> stephen: how did you shine yourself up? >> my friend did my makeup and made me look glowy like i just came out of the womb, after-birth, glowing. ( laughter ) >> stephen: is that a compliment that i don't know about? oh, my god! you look amazing. it's like you still have the placenta on you! unbelievable. >> what is that, after-birth? >> stephen: exactly. you film the show in vancouver, which is absolutely gorgeous. i've been there before ( applause ) we invited a few of them here
tonight. one of the things that's amazing about that place, the dramatic differences. snow-capped mountains right down into the seas. are you outdoorsy, because the urge to go for a hike is enormous when you're there? >> yeah, like, it really sucks because that's the whole thing there. but i'm not a very outdoorsy person. >> stephen: do you ever go out of doors? >> i do, i do sometimes. i think the closest i have been to being outdoorsy is i went on a helicopter right. >> stephen: would this be it? >> it would be that one, with the infamous mr. bentley the dog. he's this bulldog that you-- oh! he rides on the helicopter with you. >> stephen: why does he do that? >> you know, i think he really enjoys it. and he's just there in the back. he humps you. he farts a little bit. it's like a full experience! ( laughter ) >> stephen: and that's included? that's included in the cost of the helicopter? >> it's the whole package. you pay extra for the humping. >> stephen: is it a comfort
animal? is that what he's there for. >> i think so. he's so calm you. >> stephen: think so. you didn't ask why there was a dog in there humping you? >> i think it was this guy just thought of a genius idea. he brought the dog everywhere. >> stephen: so you go up in the helicopter. they take you to a mountaintop and go hiking. >> no, no, calm down. it's not hiking. it's just like, we get out of the helicopter, "oh, this is pretty." and we get back in and go home. >> stephen: that's my idea of hiking right there. >> stephen: "riverdale" ails-- >> it's hard to say. >> stephen: we say "riverdale" airs, river dare-- ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ). >> do you need me to help you? sure. why don't you read this? "riverdale" airs wednesdays on the cw.
>> stephen: hey, that's it for "the late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when i'll be joined by ronan farrow. now stick around for james good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org that's a long time. >> stephen: yes. ( laughter ) yes, it's an eternity.
if a single bird had tow move every grain of sand from every beach in the world to make a new planet somewhere else out in space. and as he did so, he flew by a ball of stainless steel the size of the moon. and every time he moved a piece of sand, his wing just barely brushed that ball. and if he moved those grains of sand back and forth enough times so just the brush of his wing wore that steel ball the sides of the moon away to nothing, that would not begin to describe how long it is felt. ( laughter ) since you were elected. ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right