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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 14, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PST

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next. >> our next newscast tomorrow morning at 4:30. have a good night. >> good night. captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ >> all right, after that testimony r testimony, let's all put politics aside and enjoy a delightful snack! >> okay, let's stay focused on refreshment! we're not here to editorialize! isn't that right, bag of popcorn? >> fine, whatever. say what you want, hot dog bun. just don't make it sexual!
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>> hey! >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, quid pro quo. plus, stephen welcomes mark ruffalo and mew cal guest thom yorke and jon batiste and "stay human." live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, there you are! there it is! fun for the whole family!
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hello, friends! how are you? hello, john, what's going on? we're going to make it happy thursday! ( cheers and applause ) hey, everybody! oh, my friends! welcome! whoo! ( cheers and applause ) oh, my gosh! it's like warming yourself beside a roaring fire, john. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm your host stephen colbert. seem l talking about yesterday's live televised impeachment hearings, including me, and i'll tell you all about it in tonight's "don and the giant impeach." >> it's all a hoax. it's a scam.
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>> stephen: yesterday, the acting u.s. ambassador to ukraine, bill taylor, testified "that a staffer overheard president trump on a phone call discuss "the investigations" in ukraine with e.u. ambassador gordon sondland, in public, "at a restaurant." yes, they were eating at quid pro quiznos. ( laughter ) the staff member in question is state department official and jeffrey dahmer's vegetarian cousin, david holmes. he's going to testify behind closed doors tomorrow-- but there's already one bombshell. there's now a second u.s. official who overheard trump's call with sondland. suriya jayanti, a foreign service officer based in kyiv. how loud was he talking? trump must be very bad at the game "telephone."
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(as trump) "what's that? got it. come here, come here... i love doing crimes!" ( laughter ) so, taylor's testimony was historic. unless you ask kellyanne conway, who was not entertained. >> you tune in, you're either sound asleep, or can't follow: he said/she said - she said/he said/he said. it is a bunch of "gossip girls." >> stephen: well, is it boring, or is it "gossip girl?" because it can't be both. "gossip girl" was a very successful show. that's why you're referencing it! and it's why i'm still not over serena ending up with dan! it was supposed to be nate! but it wasn't just kellyanne. my girls in the house tonight? ( cheers and applause ) but it wasn't just kellyanne. even nbc news tweeted that the testimonies "lacked the pizzazz necessary to capture public attention." yeah, that's what you're looking for inply-trou
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congressional hearings: pizzazz. ( laughter ) it's why, during iran contra, oliver north came dressed as elton john. ( laughter ) and since when is pizzazz the benchmark of trustworthiness? i don't want a pilot who says, "attention, passengers, we'll be touching down in denver in just a moment. but first: barrel roll, barrel roll, shimmy, shimmy, and water landing." ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) trump's main argument against impeachment is that his july 25 conversation with zelensky was a "perfect phone call." it's so perfect, he's trying to replace it with a different one. earlier this week, he tweeted, "i will be releasing the transcript of the first, and therefore more important, phone call with the ukrainian president before week's end!" so, if it's first, it's the most important.
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but this transcript is actually the second one he's releasing, so by trump logic... i'm joking. trump has no logic. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) now, this first ukraine call he's going to release is totally irrelevant. it took place on april 21, right after zelensky was elected president, and has been described by officials who heard it as "very brief," and aimed mostly at offering introductory pleasantries. though i'm not sure introductory pleasantries with donald trump are ever very brief. (as trump) "congratulations on your election. you know, i also won an election. i'll never forget the news saying "donald trump has won wisconsin." does ukraine have a wisconsin? anyway, shut up. i'm talking. let me tell you about the time i was on my real estate friend's sex boat." ( laughter )
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( piano riff ) at lunch today, trump showed some g.o.p. senators the transcript of the first call, including north dakota republican and man who tells his barber "just give me the charlie brown," kevin cramer. ( laughter ) senator cramer had a blockbuster review of trump's game-changing most-important first phone call: "nothing in there very interesting." which is also the sign on mike pence's door. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) sure, he's a nice guy. so what is this supposed to prove? (as trump) "see? in this call, i didn't ask for any dirt on joe biden. so, when you average it out, i only committed half a crime." ( laughter ) now that televised impeachment hearings have started, trump knows it's time to achieve the impossible: make people like him. for the past couple of weeks he's been reaching out to republican lawmakers, trying to rally support by making personal phone calls, inviting key
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republicans to events, and even hosting a pair of movie nights at the executive mansion. trump has even tried to make small talk with congress members, with topics ranging from conan the hero dog to the world series. can you imagine trying to make small talk with donald trump? (as trump) "okay, so now we chit chat. do you want dog or ball? or my real estate friend's sex boat. also involves a dog and a ball." ( laughter ) trump will do anything to woo republicans to his side, he even signed a trump board game for one member. for those of you who aren't familiar with the trump board game, it's like "monopoly," except nobody has as much money as they say they do and everyone should go to directly to jail. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) here's the thing -- here's the -- here's the -- ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff )
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here's something. jared kushner is pushing a plan to set up web cameras to live-stream construction of president trump's border wall. it's literally wall-to-wall coverage of wall. the administration hopes that the live feed will rally public support for hundreds of miles of new border barrier. nice try, but the only way people are going to rally around this livestream is if it ends with the wall giving birth to a baby giraffe. ( laughter ) you remember april. there are some people who don't want the wall cam. specifically, officials are concerned that cameras would show u.s. work crews violating mexican sovereignty because they sometimes must stray south of the border to maneuver heavy icans e illegay crossing the border. hmm, what could mexico possibly do to stop them?
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laugh plus, both the army corps of engineers and customs and border patrol have told kushner that construction contractors do not want their proprietary techniques visible to competitors. ah, yes, the proprietary techniques of "wall go up," and "wall also go side to side." ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. mark ruffalo is here. ( cheers and applause ) now, here's the deal, jon, normally you would start playing the piano and we would go to a commercial break right now, but instead of that, how about we do more show? (audience cheers) you may be asking "stephen, how can you do more show without doing commercials?"
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the answer? volume. speaking of volume, have i mentioned sirius xm? specifically their new hotline, 1-844-sxm-moment. i know. it just rolls off the tongue. so why don't you follow me on the "sirius xm cam" and let's head on back to the "sirius xm money zone." to quote aerosmith, "come this way." ( laughter ) >> hey, roger. i, betty. you know, sometimes during the breaks i say hi to guests to make sure they're honoring the 40 granola bar maximum. why do we need that role? ask helen mirren. andy, what the hell are you doing? wed to long distance phone calls.
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>> please call me radio andy. yr sirius x channel? >> yes, they made me change my time. is call is to their hotline 1-844-xm moment. it really rolls off the tongue. >> indeed. i'm dying know, what is 844-xmm-moment? >> it's a hotline anyone can have a chance to call to talk to me and discover the perfect sirius channel for them. >> hi, it's me, andy cohen, where would you rather be? one in the city lines, two on country roads. >> it's like i'm talking to ay cohen! >> stephen: should i leave you guys alone? >> not yet. watch what happens, live. >> stephen: okay. based on my answers, andy
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finds me what sirius xm channel is the best fit for me. >> stephen: so it's like a choose your own quest? >> exactly, the quest that is audio entertainment. >> stephen: and at the end of the quest we kill sirius. >> he's the company you can't kill him. >> stephen: because he's an immortal wizard? >> no, the aim of the quest is find a sirius xm channel tailored to your taste. >> stephen: and you pirate broadcast to the rest of the satellite recommend who unit against sirius' unlawful reign. >> sure ( siren ) >> that's a meanwhile signal. back to the desk! >> wait, the xm moment is about to tell me which channel -- >> stephen: hey, roger, where's betty? ( laughter ) ( applause ) you know, folks, come on,
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it's -- it's no secret that i spend a lot of my time standing there carefully realizing the day's big stories into the acclaimed film that is my monologue. sometimes i like to collect the smaller stories, overlooked characters, head to my tumbler account to crank out the the rambling fan fiction news that is my segment "meanwhile!"! >> stephen: "meanwhile!"! it's like coming home. ( cheers and applause ) meanwhile, in the complex venn diagram that covers sexiness, men, and living, john legend has ju beene"people's" sexiest man alive! long live the king! look upon his hotness, ye mighty, and grow randy! legend is taking over sexiness duties from previous winner, idris elba.
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and now that idris is released from his hot responsibilities, he can finally live his dream life: pounding corn dogs in a la-z-boy. ( laughter ) but this achievement wouldn't be complete without a word from john legend's wife, chrissy teigen, who tweeted, "i have fulfilled my dream of having boned @people's sexiest man alive! an honor!" chrissy, please! that is such a crass way to speak about the leader of the sexy free world. etiquette demands one simply say, "i made bone to him." ( laughter ) meanwhile, streaming service disney-plus dropped on tuesday. but bizarrely, when you stream the original "star wars episode 4: a new hope," "the infamous 'han shot first' scene has been altered yet again." in 1997, the cantina scene was already altered so that greedo shot first, meaning han's shot
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was in self-defense. presumably because han solo had softened after the events of "star wars: regarding han." ( laughter ) now, the disney-plus people, for some reason, have inserted greedo saying the mysterious word "maclunkey" into the scene. i swear to god, we're not making this up. ( laughter ) listen for yourself. >> i bet you have. >> maclunkey! (shot fired) >> stephen: what the hell does "maclunkey" mean? is it a threat? is it a swear? is greedo scottish? ( laughter ) even worse, they've done it to all the iconic disney death scenes. >> long live mclunkey. >> your mother can't be with you any more.
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maclunkey. >> mr. stark, i don't feel so maclunkey. >> stephen: disney-plus has also come under fire for the disclaimer it now plays at the beginning of some of its movies with racist or offensive content, warning parents that what they're about to watch "may contain outdated cultural depictions." yes, makes sense. disney is a 100-year-old company, they have a massive back catalog, so you might see something offensive if, for instance, you watch a movie from all the way back in... 1999. ( laughter ) meanwhile, "three cows who were swept out to sea during hurricane dorian have been found stranded on an uninhabited island." i'm not surprised the cows were found. their faces were on every milk carton. ( laughter )
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a spokesman said, "if the cows could talk, imagine the story they can tell you. that must be incredible." actually, if the cow could talk, i'm guessing they'd say, "stop yanking on my nipples!" ( laughter ) they're sensitive! ( laughter ) >> that's crazy, man. >> stephen: it's true, though, jon. it's true! that's what a cow would say! >> yeah. meanwhile, the entire cast of "days of our lives" reportedly has been released from their contracts, and the show will go on an indefinite hiatus. wow, that's hard to believe. in fact, too hard. maybe in reality, the show is on a private jet to barbados to receive facial reconstruction surgery from infamous plastic surgeon, cocaine runner, and disgraced matador, roberto medina, after which it will
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reemerge unrecognizable as a different show, perhaps "bob hearts abishola!" we'll be right back with mark ruffalo! ( laughter )
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ blow a kiss, into the sun ♪ we need someone to lean on ♪ blow a kiss, into the sun ♪ all we need is somebody to lean on ♪ ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! give it up for jon batiste and "stay human" right over there! ( cheers and applause ) you know my first guest from "foxcatcher," "spotlight," and as the incredible hulk. his new film is "dark waters." >> they should take dagon. at's right, they should and it kills me that they won't, but that would mean going to trial and proving that he killed your cows and every scientist who knows anything about any of this already works with these chemical companies. that's not an accident. >> oh. these companies, they have all the money all the time and they'll use it, trust me, i know! i was one of them!
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>> you are still one of 'em. can't be serious. >> stephen: please welcome mark ruffalo! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: have a seat. wow! >> stephen: thanks for being here! >> wow, thank you. they don't react like that at home when i walk through the door. >> stephen: you've got to get yourself a live audience at home. >> what's up? >> stephen: now, we're used to seeing you on the big screen as a big, you know, green hulking man. >> yes. >> stephen: who is, at the
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same time, a here. >> yes. >> stephen: but in the new movie, "dark waters," you play a real-life here o somebody you perceive as a person who is a hero. tell me who is rob belot, who is he and why did you want to play him? >> so rob belot is a corporate defense attorney. >> stephen: defending corporations. >> yes. >> stephen: not the gained of guy you think as a hero. >> no, not the kind of guy you immediately think of a here o. but he has a farmer who came to him who knew his grandmother, with a 12th grade education, and says can you help me out, my cows are dying, a guy has a chemical company next to me. and this guy thinks he's going to make a phone call to friends in high places and what happens to him, as it turns out, he takes almost 20 years to uncover the biggest corporate crime and
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coverup in american history, and he is the most unassuming, the most self-less, the most modest guy in a time when you turn on the tv, and everything is telling you that people are crap, we're all crap, do whatever you want to get whatever you can as quickly as you can, no matter who you hurt or how many people you have to step on to get there, and this guy is the most self-less, beautiful, committed person to other people, and he tells the story that we need to hear right now, and he's here tonight, and i want to introduce him. his name is rob belot. ( cheers and applause ) rob!
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>> stephen: true story. true story. >> stephen: thank you for being here. where did this take place? >> it took place in since sena - cincinnati but most in parkersville, virginia. >> stephen: who did the spill? dupont. it's in teflon, it byo accumulates. we can't get rid of it. it's passed to the mother -- from the mother to the child, it's connected to six major diseases, and they have been poisoning us for almost 50 years knowing it and covering it up the whole time. >> stephen: because you ran actor, i know you pay close attention to politics. to have the 2020 candidates who are running right now, who do
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you like? who do you think has the right position here? >> well, first of all, i want to preface this by sayin i vd abouc brand altogether. ( cheers and applause ) but, for me, ons trip. >> stephen: in '16. in 2016. and when i think about it, what i see is -- is he led, and he led then, and now he's leading now, and he's the one -- >> stephen: he's been consistent. >> his whole life. he's never been another -- he was never another party, he was never -- never had different views about these things. the rest of the united states has just finally caught up to what this cat's been doing already for his entire career, and you know that when he gets in the office, he is going to be
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fighting for us. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: okay. early this year, you were, as i said before, one of -- you were a cast member of the highest grossing film of 2019 "end game," and i know that you will not give me a satisfying answer, but i am legally required by talk show rules to ask you if we will see the hulk again. >> i don't know. >> stephen: do you really not know? >> i don't know. i do know that i did give kevin the blockbuster award at the hollywood film awards the other day, to a smattering of applause, and he did say, hey, do you think there is anymore story left here? and i said i could probably come up with a few story lines. ( laughter ) and he said, well, maybe you should come in and we'll have a talk.
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>> stephen: well... you heard it here. stephen colbert. >> stephen: you're going to talk. you're going to talk. ( applause ) did you go seize these films -- did you go see these films? yes, you can rent them at home but these are films you want to see on the big screen. >> yes. >> stephen: did you go to see it? >> i went up to connecticut, my son is in boarding school, i went up there, i got all his friends we could fit into the car and that's like five kids stacked on top of each other. >> stephen: like cord wood, yeah. >> i put a hoodie on like them, so it was me in my hoodie and ten kids in eir hoodies. >> stephen: that doesn't look suspicious. >> no. ( laughter ) i snuck, i sat down, the place was packed, and it was all >>this?-- was this end game or infinity war? >> infinity war. >> stephen: okay. we watch the movie, it ends, everyone disappears.
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some kid jumps up on the back of his chair a few rows back, tears his shirt off, he's, like, what is this? thilet's tear this place apart! these kids, they're all crying. >> stephen: oh... and i just -- my hoodie just got littler and littler. >> stephen: were you surprised by the emotion that that people were so affected by this because there have been a couple of truly great directors who said these movies are not cinema and yet seem to be discounting the emotional connection these people are making to the characters, for those people, i would say this, i have been to a lot of movies, i might even have participated in some of those movies, i have watched those movies, i have never in my life seen the emotional response in a movie that i did in those two premieres or those two
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screenings. >> stephen: i took a bunch of gets to "end game" and the curtain call at the end, they're all crying. they're bawling aught way home. >> the kids are bawling, crying, freaking out, screaming in the car, and that's real i motion, i think. >> stephen: there's so much to talk to you about. i'm going to hit one of these. i'll ask you the others the rest of the time. it won't be two years. promise. >> you promise me. >> stephen: promise. i promise. >> stephen: you put this on instagram? >> yeah. >> stephen: okay, this is a picture you put on instagram right here. >> yeah. >> stephen: i wish i could have lunch with this 22-year-old. would have laid a little experience, hope and wisdom on him. #throwback thursday, eating a mango in puerto escodito,
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surfing on big waves, loving life, what would you tell your 22-year-old self? >> don't worry about it, it's all going to be okay. >> stephen: what was he worried about? >> the future. you know, it was scary at that age, and i didn't know what i was doing, and i wasn't great at school. i was dyslexic but i really didn't know it until i had my own kids, and i didn't have a lot of confidence. i was just starting out in acting, and it was a long, hard road, kind of, along the way, and i would -- and i worried a lot, and i would just say, dude, calm down. >> stephen: do you wish that somebody from 30 years in your future, you 30 years from now would come back and tell you not to worry?
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>> oh, god, do i ever! ( applause ) >> stephen: mark, don't worry. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "dark waters" is in theaters next friday. mark ruffalo, everybody! we'll be right back with andy cohen. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) start saving with target holideals! get 25% off home decor, bedding, bath and more. this weekend only. save on everything you need for when friends & family come home for the holidays. new holideals arrive all season long. only at target. and i like to question your i'm yoevery move.n law. like this left turn. it's the next one. you always drive this slow? how did you make someone i love? that must be why you're always so late. i do not speed. and that's saving me cash with drivewise. my son, he did say that you were the safe option. and that's the nicest thing you ever said to me. so get allstate. stop bossing. where good drivers save 40% for avoiding mayhem, like me. this is my son's favorite color, you should try it.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! you know my next guest as the emmy and peabody award-winning host of "watch what happens live." please welcome andy cohen. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen:. how you doing, stephen? >> stephen: i am doing just
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delightful now that you're here. you know you're one of my favorite guests. you have been on the show many times. >> we get a pie for that? >> stephen: i wouldn't mind seeing a few pounds on you. >> last time i saw you on my show, you were real drunk. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah, because you started feeding me liquor backstage before i ever got on. >> i did, it's true. >> stephen: and we coined a new name for a cocktail. >> we did. >> stephen: it was called a capri sunrise. >> it was. >> stephen: i don't know what was in it. >> i don't know either! >> stephen: i want one right now! >> yes. >> stephen: i never interviewed you before with a beard, though. >> that is true. >> stephen: where did rugged andy come from? >> rugged andy happened this summer. actually the birth of rugged andy happened in fire island, which is not a place you might attribute to being rugged. but i feel that male talk show hosts, when they get a vacation,
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their favorite thing to do is not shave, right? >> stephen: that's what i was going to say! this is the closest i've come. >> right, there you go. you know what, the kolbeard, is that what it's called? >> stephen: yeah. mine is the cobeard. >> stephen: exactly. that didn't work. >> stephen: are you going to keep it? >> you know what, i'm keeping it trimmed, i'll probably get rid of it. every night after my show my mom texts me and tells me how much she hates it. >> stephen: are the fans all right with it? >> they seem to be okay with it. >> stephen: they're okay with it? >> yeah. >> stephen: do you have any down side to it? >> i don't think so. this is grey, which makes me look maybe even a little older. >> stephen: oh, no, no, you've got a good salt and pepper game going there. >> oh, good. >> stephen: that's balance. oh, thanks. >> stephen: my problem is i'm all grey up here and i'm black up here and it makes me look like i dye my hair. >> i was wondering.
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>> stephen: and i do not. i almost asked you when we were shooting that thing, do you die yore hair? >> stephen: i do not dye my hair. >> i don't know that i fully believe you. ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, well, in this case, because you're a friend and i can be honest with you, go ( bleep ) yourself. ( cheers and applause ) i do not dye my hair! my sister lulu called me and said, come on, you dye your hair. i do not dye my hair. >> you and howard stern, you do not dye your hair? >> stephen: he 100% dyes his hair. >> good thing you brought it up because i was wondering during the thing we shot earlier whether you dye your hair and i was going to ask you. i was! ( laughter ) okay, so you don't? >> stephen: the hair on my head? no. ( audience reacts ) ( piano riff ) why that look? >> no reason. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. yeah. since last i saw you -- >> yes.
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>> stephen: -- you've become a father. congratulations. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: that's wonderful news. >> thank you. >> stephen: not only that -- yes. >> stephen: -- but your son benjamin was just named cutest baby alive. >> alive! yes! >> stephen: there you go. first of all, how's fatherhood treating you? >> so good. really great. it's wonderful every day, every moment. it's more than i thought that it could be, and it's everything everyone said. >> stephen: it's also great in ways you couldn't anticipate. >> exactly. he's a really wonderful kid. he's very happy and, yeah, it's great. >> stephen: has the, you know, the designation of cutest baby alive gone to his head in any way? >> you know, he is -- i already -- you know, we live with a dog who has been pronounced very cute by "people" magazine in the past as well. >> stephen: your dog? yes. >> stephen: have you ever been the sexiest man alive? >> something about my hair, i think i got best hair last year
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or the year before, like sexiest hair, something like that. >> stephen: okay. mine is natural. ( laughter ) do not. do not. i have a show tonight. >> stephen: you have a show tonight? >> yeah, so don't mess this up. >> stephen: okay, fine. uh-huh. >> so the dog has a big head, the baby has a big head, i'm just trying to navigate everything. >> stephen: you deal with a lot of devas. >> i do he cries when he's not fed, like come now. >> stephen: there's an event this weekend. >> it's bravo-con weekend. the tickets sold out in 60 seconds. >> stephen: bull. no bull. ask any bravo fan, they will tell you all about it. yes, it's going to be unbelievable. i am hosting an episode of
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"watch what happens live" sunday night. bravo levity, stephen. it's a term! >> stephen: no! i made it up! >> stephen: i can tell. yes! it means something! >> stephen: what does it mean? i'm not going to ask you what you think. it means bravo superstars. >> stephen: all right, i'll buy it. >> seventy-six of them will be on my stage. >> stephen: what was the first fan were you ever into. did you ever con it up? >> i did. like most boys in high school, i was really into diana ross. >> stephen: su
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