tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 12, 2020 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
late show with stephen colbert is next. >> captioning sponsored by cbs >> an infectious president trump now back at the white house after spending four days in the hospital with the coronavirus. >> we know mr. trump is still being treated with dexamethasone. that's a powerful steroid typically used to treat severe coronavirus cases. >> the drug also has been linked to rare reports of grandiose delusions, psychosis, delirium, and hallucinations. >> yes, right this way. stand here, high above for all to see and take off that mask. let the world see your strong, tiny mouth and your powerful, beady eyes. yes, the psychosis goldfish never steers a world leader in the wrong direction. be brave and on the balcony,
just like all my other past proteges. you are strong as an ox. you are the picture of health you-- are you feeling all right? i mean, i know i'm just a manifestation of your ego, but you seem a little shaky. >> he is sick. he should put his mask on and protect those around him. >> shut up, crab of reason. no one invited you up here. mr. president, please, come. we must project false confidence. i'll dictate a statement to you. >> i just left walter reed. >> ( whispering ) i've learned so much about the coronavirus. >> and i learned so much about coronavirus. >> ( whispering ) and now i'm better >> and now i'm better. >> >> ( whispering ) and maybe i'm immune, i don't know. >> and maybe i'm immune, i don't know. >> ( laughs ) ( coughing ) oh, no! this bastard gave me covid! >> no one ever listens to crab of reason. >> "crab of reason," this fall on cbs. >> it's "a late show" with stephen colbert.
tonight: don't mask, don't tell. plus, stephen welcomes, jerry seinfeld and musical guest ella mai featuring jon batiste and stay homin'. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater office building in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: well, well, well! welcome to "a late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. you know, ladies and gentlemen, when donald trump first contracted the coronavirus, i thought that maybe, just maybe, he would emerge from this experience with a shred of humility, because honestly nothing would disarm critics more than if he stood up and told the world, ( as trump ) "i was wrong. i learned my lesson, and i truly sympathize with the hundreds of thousands who have been gravely ill or lost their lives from this pandemic." but here's the thing, i forgot about one thing.
he never does that. he never changes. he's a teflon trout. he just swims through all the normal experiences of the world and not a barnacle of learning sticks to him. he's the least wise person in history. he's the anti-solomon. ( as trump ) "what if this time, we sewed two babies together? right?" the straw that broke my brain's back was his dramatic return last night to the white house from walter reed on marine one. it was timed obviously so it could appear live on the evening news, and every bit of it was pure strongman propaganda. here he is leaving the hospital: there you go. pump your fist, do it. pump, pump. and then he's tapping the handrail, you're contagious. stop touching it! then back at the white house, rather than use the usual ground-level entrance, he climbed up the stairs. only donald trump would think climbing stairs is a feat of strength. ( as trump ) "now watch me drink water with one hand, and for my final trick, i will close this umbrella.
it can't be done! how did you do it, mary poppins!" once on the balcony, kim jong don removed his mask. ( as trump ) "i'm back from the hospital, and just to put any lingering doubts to rest: i've learned nothing! kneel before me, ye weak and withered, and inhale my precious droplets!" trump wanted this to be a show of strength, but moments after taking off his mask, he was clearly struggling to breathe. ( gasping ) still, it's a strong look. because nothing bad ever happens to people who are famous for their balconies: your mussolini, your saddam, your juliets. it was all stupid, but here's the stupidest part. after leaving the balcony and going into the house, he went back out and was seen reshooting his entrance into the white house. you don't get to do reshoots of actual important events. okay, honey-- oh, damn, i had the lens cap hey, doc, can we push the baby
back in? just get a shoehorn or something. sorry, everybody back to one! remember, you're in pain, and-- push! it's magical. it seemed like the whole thing was propaganda. and it really seemed like it was propaganda when they released it as propaganda: ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: good goebbels. not only was that campaign propaganda, it's also a trailer for the upcoming movie, "triumph of the ill." trump coming home and taking off the mask really sends a bad message. in fact, the only thing worse than the message this sent is the actual message he sent: >> i learned so much about coronavirus. and one thing that's for certain, don't let it dominate
you. don't be afraid of it. you're going to beat it. >> stephen: once again, he learns nothing. he's like if scrooge woke up on christmas morning and said, ( as trump ) "i've been visited by three ghosts. don't be afraid of them, folks, and don't let them dominate you. i just put on my bose noise- canceling headphones and i slept like a gin-soaked baby. the point is, i've got to infect tiny tim with coronavirus. somebody get me a goose." i think in that scenario he's going to lick the goose and give it to the cratchit family. i think that's what's going to happen. but trump has good reason to be positive about the virus. >> we have the best medical equipment. we have the best medicines, all developed recently. >> stephen: ( as trump ) "we have the best medicine. we all have experimental treatments that nobody else has gotten. we all have the best helicopter to fly us to and from our publicly subsidized mansion that itself contains an in-home intensive care unit itself. we're definitely gonna beat this
virus. that's what we all have. not sure about you all, though. we all have that." one of the reasons trump was feeling so peppy is that he's jacked to the nards on the steroid dexamethasone. steroids can make you feel invincible. i've had them. you go from "i can barely stand up" to "i'll punch a tiger in the nuts!" work it like a speed bag. of course, it's not the first time a president has returned to the white house on steroids. eisenhower had a heart attack, and when he returned to the white house, he looked like this. ike smash! ultimately, trump had a simple repetitive message for the country: go out and get some sick. >> don't let it dominate. don't let it take over your lives. we're going back, we're going back to work. we're going to be out front. as your leader, i had to do that. i knew there's danger to it, but i had to do it. i stood out front. i led. nobody that's a leader would not
do what i did. and i know there's a risk, there's a danger, but that's okay. and now i'm better, and maybe i'm immune. i don't know. but don't let it dominate your lives. get out there. be careful. >> stephen: okay, that's a mixed message. it's like a fire marshall saying, "don't let the fire dominate you, okay, you got to lead. walk directly into the flames, you cowards! be careful." then to reinforce his call to make america a death cult again, trump tweeted, ( as trump ) "flu season is coming up! many people every year, sometimes over 100,000, and despite the vaccine, die from the flu. are we going to close down our country? no, we have learned to live with it, just like we are learning to live with covid, in most populations, far less lethal!" adding, ♪ "don't fear the reaper, baby take my hand, ♪ don't fear the reaper, we'll be able to fly ♪ baby i'm your man, corona-na-na-na" ♪
needs more cowbell. okay, first of all, what you wrote was wrong. how wrong? it was pulled down by facebook. second, you have covid-- you're trying to change the subject to other diseases. it reminds me of that scene in "jaws." ( splashing ) >> the flu still kills more people a year! >> stephen: so how did the leader of the free world catch a virus that most americans have successfully avoided? well, it all comes down to the white house's prevention strategy-- they don't have one. because instead of using proven covid safety measures like masks and social distancing, the white house used a test with an effective 10% to 20% false negative rate... as the sole means of determining whether employee and visitors alike were coronavirus-free, testing alone doesn't stop you from getting the virus. that's like saying, "babe, should we use a condom?" and she says, "don't worry about it. i take a pregnancy test every morning, so we're good." the president must be feeling
better, or at least feeling manic, because after weeks of back and forth with nancy pelosi, this afternoon, trump halted covid-19 relief talks until after the election. that means no additional unemployment benefits for millions of americans who are out of work. trump's doctors might not be telling us about what side effects he has from covid-19, but one thing is for sure: it's not an enlarged heart. come on, mr. president. we've seen your taxes. you know what it's like to be broke. in his tweet announcing his roid-onomics plan, trump promised that "immediately after i win, we will pass a major stimulus bill that focuses on hardworking americans and small business." he's holding the american people hostage so they'll vote for him. that explains his new campaign signs: vote trump and no one gets hurt! only one little problem with that plan: he's not winning. in the latest cnn poll, biden leads trump by 16 points. ( as trump ) "i'm also going to have a plan
for covid. right after 'people' magazine names me the 'sexiest man aive'. i'm coming for you mcconaughey." trump tried to reassure the nation: "our economy is doing very well. the stock market is at record levels, jobs and unemployment dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, also coming back in record numbers. we are leading the world in economic recovery, and the best is yet to come." that didn't quite sound enthusiastic enough. kimberly? >> the best! is yet! to come! >> stephen: well, it could not get any worse... is what i keep saying. wall street saw trump's tweet about how they're doing great and immediately tumbled 600 points. yes, they s&p'd their pants. now, agreeing to a stimulus package this close to the election was always going to be tough, but with his tweet, trump now owns this issue.
one trump campaign staff marveled, "you have to try to be this politically inept. what is going on in the white house? where is mark meadows?" now, no one has seen him. but they did spot this ficus with legs running out of the white house. trump's not the only one feeling under the weather. as a result of the administration's disastrous lack of covid security, at least 19 people have now tested positive who had been in recent contact with the president or attended white house or campaign events. 19 people! taken down! those are "john wick" numbers. 19 people got close enough to trump to get covid. and i want to point out, none of them were his kids. that's got to hurt eric. ( as eric ) "dad, i'm still up for a hug! help." and earlier today, the pentagon announced that the joint chiefs of staff are in quarantine after an admiral tested positive for covid-19. luckily, if a war breaks out, they're all ready to handle it over zoom. ( as general ) "wait, i'm sorry, were you about
to launch a missile or was i? no? okay, you go first. who's got the launch codes? you're on mute!" what with the president dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight, it's easy to forget that he's trying to drag the rest of us to hell, too. consider the supreme court, where his new nominee would give conservatives a 6-3 majority. and we got a preview of what that imbalance might mean in the future, thanks to supreme court justices alito and thomas, seen here noticing that some women have full bodily autonomy. yesterday, thomas and alito issued an opinion suggesting the supreme court could overturn same-sex marriage. what? no! not now, supreme court! we're all a little busy with the, the all of it. you can't take away gay weddings! because none of us can have any weddings right now. here's what happened: on monday, the court declined to hear a case about gay marriage, but alito and thomas used this as an opportunity to attack the 2015 decision legalizing gay
marriage, writing that it lets the government "brand religious adherents who believe that marriage is between one man and one woman as bigots, making their religious liberty concerns that much easier to dismiss." nope, uh-uh. wrong. those people can still believe anything they want. they just can't force those beliefs on others. i'm a catholic. i believe in giving up meat on fridays during lent. that's my right. but it does not give me the right to go into a texas roadhouse and start knocking steaks off the tables like an angry cat. and i want to! they already let you throw peanut shells on the damn floor! we've got a great show for you tonight. jerry seinfeld is here. won't you stick around? ♪ ♪ celebrating halloween?
well, if you're celebrating by eating reese's. then no, you're actually late. not sorry, reese's. ♪dy-na-na-na, na-na, na-na, eh♪ ♪dy-na-na-na, na-na, na-na, eh♪ ♪dy-na-na-na, na-na, na-na, eh♪ ♪light it up, dynamite ♪shining through the city with a little funk and soul♪ ♪so i'ma light it up like dynamite♪ ♪'cause, ah-ah,♪ ♪shining through the city with a little funk and soul♪ ♪i'ma light it up like dynamite, whoa♪
in the tubbs fire. the flames, the ash, it was terrifying. thousands of family homes are destroyed in wildfires. families are forced to move and higher property taxes are a huge problem. prop 19 limits taxes on wildfire victims so families can move without a tax penalty. nineteen will help rebuild lives. vote 'yes' on 19.
♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. let's say hello to our friend jon batiste. hello, jon. >> jon: hey, what's going on, stephen? how you doing. >> stephen: you know what's on my mind right now is the passing of the great eddie van halen. died today at age 65. >> jon: yup, the great eddie van halen, true genius, who will always be here with us through his music. his spirit is going to transcend his lifetime, for sure. >> stephen: i'll never forget when i was 15 years old, i went and spent a couple of weeks with a friend of mine in another town, a guy named bill clark. and bill said-- this is 1979, i think, something like that, 1979. he goes, "sit down, i'm going to play an album called "women and children first." and he-- we listened to van
halen one-- help me out. van halen one, van halen two, "women and children first." i remember hearing "eruption" for the first time. "running with the devil." "jamie's crying." unbelievable. he changed what i thought was possible with a guitar. what a genius. >> jon: he had his own technique. he had his own sound. i love hearing those stories from q, quincy jones would tell me about when they were recording. >> stephen: wait, quincy recorded van halen? >> jon: yes, oh, yes. he recorded van halen, and he had a technique about how he played that he would always cover himself on stage, but quincy got a chance to see it. so, you know, i love that stuff. >> stephen: i forgot he would turn away for his hammerings-- that's right. >> jon: exactly, exactly. his sound is-- you can't match it. you can't recreate that. that's what i love about the geniuses of instruments, like the piano and guitar.
it's the same thing. but they make it sound like them. >> stephen: well, jon, would you mind making it sound like you as we go out to talk to mr. jerry seinfeld? ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: jon batiste, everybody. thank you, jon. my guest tonight is a comedian, actor, writer, and producer who has written a new book, "is this anything?" please welcome to "a late show," jerry seinfeld. hello, jerry seinfeld. how are you? >> stephen colbert. how are you, sir? >> stephen: i'm doing okay. it's really nice to see you again. it's been too long. >> it's been a long time. >> stephen: the last time you were here you said one of the things you liked most when you saw the show is how uncomfortable it was for me to
figure out how to greet the guests after going down the two steps. like, do i shake, do i hug? >> it seemed to be the one little piece of behavior that you were struggling with as you were trying to turn yourself into a talk show host, a normal person. >> stephen: okay. >> and i just always noticed-- but i don't think-- it wasn't really completely your fault. i don't think people like that moment. >> stephen: what-- what-- >> there's a lot of options and there's a lot of confusion. and now there's even more. >> stephen: right. and how do you like the zoom? how is the awkwardness of this? does this feel-- >> this stinks. it stinks. you know, we like people. we want to be in front of people. although, you and i, i think, are entertaining in any form. >> stephen: thank you. i-- i would agree with you. >> yeah. >> stephen: as someone who enjoys awkwardness, as i was saying, in the world, not just in this, in the world do you enjoy the awkwardness you see with covid? because you don't know, like,
when necessarily to socially distance or is this the appropriate time for the mask? >> i'll tell you one thing i really don't care for is the little laugh that seems to accompany the elbow attempt. >> stephen: yeah. >> there's always a little laugh like... >> stephen: yes. >> just either do it or don't do it. i don't think it's going to last. do you think the elbow thing is going to last? >> stephen: no. >> i don't think it's going to last. >> stephen: as soon as there's a vaccine there's going to be a great rubbing of parts in america again. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: it's all going to come back out. >> there's your novel. there's your next novel right there, "a great rubbing of parts." >> stephen: what's it like-- you work out your material meticulously, like in front of a crowd. >> meticulously. >> james: you love, you love, like working out the material. >> i love it. >> stephen: no audience, how are
you working anything out? or if you're not working it out, is it driving you crazy? >> i'm okay. i mean, i like to just write. writing is a-- is a-- is a life mission, a way of life. and, you know, i was actually just writing before i was-- see that, i was over there, and now i'm over here. ( laughter ) and, you know, in your mind, when you're writing, everything's great. in your mind, all the material works. and then the audience tells you the truth. >> stephen: i've often thought that, that, like the moment i go do the material-- because, obviously, i have a team of writers and everything-- and i read the scripts and i think, "oh, my god. that's perfect sheet music. all i can do now is ( bleep ) up the way i play the violin. do you know what i mean? i have to-- i have to add something to it or else i should just give the sheet music to the audience. >> is that the language we use now? is that okay? >> stephen: yeah, it is. cbs-- cbs is fine. >> really? >> stephen: cbs is fine ( bleep ) sucky. ( laughter ) you've got to come back to broadcast, jerry! they're getting killed by cable. they'll let me say anything now! last night i said ( bleep ) will
give you ( bleep ). and they were like, "hilarious. just do it." every word of that sentence just got bleeped, i think, including- - and especially ( bleep ). ( laughter ) i'm tired. i'm a little tired. i'm just a little tired. i apologize-- i apologize for the salty talk. i've been shouting-- i've been shouting jokes into an altoid can and throwing it off an overpass for eight months now. i have no idea if anyone even watches this-- there's no that he was i'm not just shouting these little-- >> i watch it. >> stephen: you do? >> i watch it. >> stephen: that's nice, jerry. >> but, i mean, it's sad, it's sad, it's sad to watch. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah, it's a, a catharsis either way. >> i like you and i like the show. you know, i watch it for somebody i want to see. >> stephen: yeah. >> and-- but you're-- you're essential awkwardness and discomfort is always-- always entertains me. >> stephen: oh, thank you, thank you.
then you must have really enjoyed the first couple of months of me doing this show without an audience. >> i did, i did. >> stephen: because i would just finish the show, crawl under the couch, bury my face in a pillow and go, "i have no idea how to do this." we have to take a quick break, but stick around, everybody. we'll be back with more jerry seinfeld. ♪ ♪ ♪ go go go ♪ go go go go on a real vacation. visit go rving.com or your nearest rv dealer. brushing only reaches 25% of your mouth.ion. visit listerine® cleans virtually 100%. helping to prevent gum disease and bad breath. never settle for 25%.
always go for 100. bring out the bold™ (fisherman vo)ce) how do i register to vote?ential election... hmm!.. hmm!.. hmm!.. (woman on porch vo) can we vote by mail here? (grandma vo) you'll be safe, right? (daughter vo) yes! (four girls vo) the polls! voted! (grandma vo) go out and vote! it's so important! (man at poll vo) woo! (grandma vo) it's the most important thing you can do! renew active. only fro♪ lift it althcare. ♪ press it ♪ downward dog it ♪ watch it ♪ sweat it ♪ bend and stretch it ♪ track it ♪ share it ♪ compare it ♪ think it ♪ solve it ♪ try and crack it ♪ breath it ♪ calm it ♪ and renew it renew active from unitedhealthcare gives you so many ways to be healthy. powered by aarp staying sharp and fitbit.
and included in unitedhealthcare medicare plans. unitedhealthcare. get medicare with more. i like big jeans. itty-bitty jeans. ♪ ♪ feelin' trendy y'all, with the straight jeans ♪ showin' off those curves, 'cause you the queen ♪ ♪ everyone go slay in your old navy jeans ♪ this monday and tuesday get 50% off everything online - only at oldnavy.com such as high blood pressure,ve pdiabetes, and asthma.s this administration and senate republicans want to overturn laws requiring insurance companies to cover people with pre-existing conditions. they're rushing a lifetime appointment to the supreme court to change the law through the courts. 70% of americans want to keep protections for pre-existing conditions in place. tell our leaders in washingtn to stop playing games with our healthcare.
when was the last time your property tawhat?l went down? never. are you kidding me? for years, the residential burden has gone up. while the corporate burden has gone down. prop 15 reverses that. it closes corporate loopholes and invests in schools, small business, and firefighters. and when the big corporations pay more, your tax bill goes down. that's right. a savings of a hundred twenty-one dollars a year for the average home. give homeowners a break. vote yes on 15.
♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody, we're back with the author of "is this anything?," jerry seinfeld. i'm going to ask you a question that i asked you during "comedians in cars getting coffee," when we did that. it didn't make it to the cut. i don't think it made to the edit what people saw which was nice of you because it's a terrible question. do you know what i'm going to ask you? >> yes. >> stephen: you asked me, "if i was a guest on the show--" it was between the shows, "what would you ask me?"
and i literally asked you the first thing that was on my mind. and you said, "that's a terrible question." and i said, "yeah, you're right." the question was, "do you still enjoy doing stand-up?" and the reason was that i had just ended a show that i had done for almost 10 years, and i still enjoyed it, but i could tell i was about to not enjoy it. >> right. >> stephen: that's what was on my mind. so, jerry, do you still enjoy doing stand-up? >> well, i do, i really do. i think i'm one of those surfers-- you know, those old guys that just still paddle out every day, and nobody even knows they're doing it. but it's like, they have to do it, and it's just part of the day, and part of the deal, and-- >> stephen: sure. >> that's why i do it. it's... i-- i-- really live off it. i really live off it. it's a beautiful, natural,
energetic thing. it's so natural and real. and i-- and i-- i can be accused of using too many surfing analogies, but that's the thing i wanted to do in my life they didn't do. i really wanted to do. and i never did it. >> stephen: have you been accused of using too many surfing analogies in the past? >> i could be, if you said that. >> stephen: i would never do that. i would never do that. it's never too late. have you ever tried to go surfing? >> i tried 20 years ago. you need a certain kind of knees, you know. you need good quads. i don't have it. i don't have what you need. >> stephen: do you have a fire of sharks or anything like that? i have the fear of the sharks where the waves are good. >> i'm afraid of the sharks on youtube more than i am in real life. the youtube sharks scare me the most. >> stephen: very hungry, very hungry. >> do you know how to stop youtube from sending you shark attack kayakers videos? how do i make them stop? because i watched one-- i watched one, and i don't want to
watch 30. >> stephen: you have to-- >> do you know how to stop it? >> stephen: i don't. i don't. i think you have to watch a lot of something else to, like, throw off the algorithm. >> okay, all right. >> stephen: or change the name and burn off your fingerprints, because they've got you now. that's it. that's what they're hitting you with. >> well, i watched one. you watch one... you have to be very careful. even if you don't watch it, if you let it play, and without clicking "play," but just kind of let it play. >> stephen: oh, where it does the automatic thing. >> yeah. and then they'll smell you out and go, "oh, he likes it. give him more of that." >> stephen: i fell asleep one night. i was on the road and i put my computer there, and a hypnotic sleep video, something to make me go to sleep. and it played like someone going, "and you're relaxed, and there's a meadow--" whatever, i woke up at, like, 4:00 in the morning, and it was still on. but it had already played,
whatever the algorithm decided, there was a woman's face this big going, "i am your focus. you will send me a check for $1,000." and i almost did it. i just wanted to see, you know, what would happen if i did. >> you typing in "hypnotic sleep videos." your wife was out of town, i assume. >> stephen: no, i was out of town. i was out of town. >> oh, you were out of town. >> stephen: i don't sleep well-- >> oh, that is-- the level of sadness that you have reached. hypnotic sleep videos? >> stephen: what, it's-- i don't want to pop pills. i don't know what your hollywood answer sjer. but i'm not a pill popper. >> transcendental meditation. >> stephen: do you meditate? >> oh, yeah, i'm the big meditator guy. one of the great meditators. >> stephen: i had no idea. i had no idea. >> yeah, since 1972. >> stephen: i like the breathing. you have been meditating since 1972?
>> i have been doing transcendental meditation since 1972. it's the greatest technique for rest and lowering the stress level. look at me. don't you wonder, how could this guy be so relaxed and so happy in, the middle of this crisis?" >> stephen: that's what i said before the camera turned on. that's what i said, "you seem relaxed." and you said, "yes." and i said, "it must be lonely." >> no, it's transcendental meditation. >> stephen: i'll try it. is there an app or something? >> no. >> stephen: this is my life, this is it. >> just type in "hypnotic sleep videos." >> stephen: jerry we're not close to talking about your book yet. they're waving numbers to me here but they're meaningless to me because i'm talking to jerry seinfeld. you have a book. it's called "is this anything?" for the people out there who aren't comedians who aren't trying to come up with jokes with their friends, explain what "is this anything?" means to you? >> "is this anything?" is what i
say before you try a bit out on another comedian. i have been saying that my whole life. so this book, stephen, that's everything i-- i've done with my life. that's my whole life in a book. >> stephen: it's double spaced. it's-- it's double spaced, jerry. you've padded out your life. ( laughter ) >> yeah. >> stephen: it's literally double spaced. >> yeah. because it-- because it reads like a-- a stand-up resident better that way. >> stephen: i understand. i don't really. >> why don't you perform one of the bits in there. >> at the post office they have posters. collect stamps. it's fun. really, at what point in stamp collecting do you feel the fun is really kicking in? you get the stamp. you bring it home. you put it in a drawer. come back a year later. "hey, still got it!
that stamp-- that stamp is collected" i guess you never get bored of the stamps. you can turn them over. you've got the glue collection. they always say, "fun for the whole family." nothing is fun for the whole family. there are no massage parlors are ice cream and dpre jewelry, no racetracks-- >> that's a good outlet. >> stephen: that's quite delightful. quite delightful. what is making you laugh these days? people need-- what are you watching? >> you know, i'm watching a lot of marx brothers these days. >> stephen: groucho right over your shoulder. >> i love the brothers. i always have. it's a fascinating show business story. their kinetic energy, their timing, their physical stuff, their verbal stuff, you can just take it apart endlessly and appreciate it. and it just holds up so beautifully. the material is so funny still. >> stephen: do your children think you're funny, jerry? >> you know, um, yes, they do.
they do. i do pretty well. >> stephen: is it important to you that they think you're funny? >> it's important that everyone- - anyone you are doing a joke to, you want them to laugh, don't you? >> stephen: of course, but they don't have to identify you, naturally as dad equals funny. it could be dad. there could be other qualities dad has. >> oh, yeah, i have other qualities. >> stephen: name one. name one. name one. >> um... >> stephen: i have a fact- checking team here that is shaking their heads. you're not what? >> you know, i'm not attentive. i'm-- i'm always happy to do a favor for anyone that needs a favor. >> stephen: jerry, i'm doing a benefit later this year, i'm doing a benefit later this year, and if i could interview you for this benefit that would be fantastic. >> sure, i'm in. >> stephen: great, done. that's on tape. that stays in the interview right there. >> all those words against me, as lindsey graham said.
"save the tape." >> stephen: let me ask you about something else. this op-ed you did in the "new york times" about new york, about people saying new york is dead. i don't know a single person who actually has stayed in new york who wasn't offended by people saying, "new york is dead. it's never coming back." the president just said-- what did he say? it's a ghost town. doesn't know if the town is going to recover. do you have any thoughts about the president's assessment? >> well, you know, anybody can look at this present moment and assume that that's the way things will always be, and that's just-- that's a-- that's a foible of human perception. we think today is everything. we-- we struggle to zoom out to see-- this is all just another passing moment. it's-- these are all just passing moments. >> stephen: are you being transcendental right now? is this the meditation talking? >> you know, a little bit. you do kind of transcend the-- you know, don't-- what's the name of that thing that they use in california?
>> stephen: e.k.g.. seismograph? this thing? >> you know, don't do that with your life. don't do that with your day. that's the-- that's the tendency. something good, i go up. something bad, i go down. something good-- you don't live like that. new york city has been my north star my whole life. i know it's not going to leave us as this very unique culture environment and personality. new york is a personality to me. >> stephen: yeah. >> it's not just a city. and, you know, every city has its residents that act a certain way. new york has a very certain personality. you can't transplant that to knoxville. it won't work. >> stephen: also a love town, though. >> okay. >> stephen: it's a nationally televised show. it's a nationally televised show. >> maybe cut the swearing out and broaden the appeal. >> stephen: ( bleep ) those people.
( laughter ) we have to take a quick break, jerry, but stick around everybody, we'll be back with more from the author of "is this anything?," jerry seinfeld. ♪ ♪ dropping my mcdonald's order. leggo! a big mac! no pickles please. there you go. medium fries. con ketchup. and an oreo mcflurry. of course! ooof the j balvin meal. get it on the mcdonald's app and the mcflurry is on me. i'm lovin it!
adults who took ozempic® lost on average up to 12 pounds. i lost almost 12 pounds! oh! (announcer) for those also with known heart disease, ozempic® lowers the risk of major cardiovascular events such as heart attack, stroke, or death. it lowers the risk. oh! and i only have to take it once a week. oh! ♪ oh, oh, oh, ozempic®! ♪ (announcer) ozempic® is not for people with type 1 diabetes or diabetic ketoacidosis. do not share needles or pens. don't reuse needles. do not take ozempic® if you have a personal or family history of medullary thyroid cancer, multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2, or if you are allergic to ozempic®. stop taking ozempic® and get medical help right away if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, severe stomach pain, itching, rash, or trouble breathing. serious side effects may include pancreatitis. tell your doctor if you have diabetic retinopathy or vision changes. taking ozempic® with a sulfonylurea or insulin may increase low blood sugar risk. common side effects are nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stomach pain, and constipation. some side effects can lead to dehydration, which may worsen kidney problems. once-weekly ozempic® is helping me reach my blood sugar goal.
including the pandemic. do you-- do you think, as an observer of the human condition, do you think this moment we're in right now is going to be relative and applicable to our lives after this? or are we in, like a mount vesuvius moment. not every day is pompeii getting buried in lava? do you think this moment right now is going to be understandable to the people who didn't go through it? is it a common enough human experience we're having right now? >> you know, nobody didn't go through it unless you're born five years from now. >> stephen: that's what i mean. >> no, it won't be-- no. we don't understand world war ii. that's why we were always asking our parents about it. because we can't-- we can't understand it. and they'll be asking about this. and they'll never understand what it was really like it's -- >> stephen: what is it really like, jerry? >> you know, it's-- it's really
like... the whole planet getting detention. and when you get out of detention, you're really going to see things a little-- hopefully you're going to learn to appreciate a little better. that's what we have to do. but we probably won't. >> stephen: maybe not. but it's nice to hold on to that. >> let's try. >> stephen: nice to hold on to that hope. >> let's try. let's try to appreciate-- i went to a restaurant last night for the first time since february. >> stephen: okay. >> and it was outside, but even so, i hadn't seen a menu or a waitress since february. and it was the most exciting, odd, strange thing. it was like, wow! a restaurant. and they bring the food and the check-- the check! i got a check! ( laughter ) >> stephen: what did you have? what did you order? what did you order, jerry? >> uh, i think it was a
tortellini bolognese. >> stephen: do we have time to go any further with this order? we're out of time, jerry. i'm afraid we can't go any further into your order. >> it was good. >> stephen: and it was good to see you. >> it was good to see you. >> stephen: thanks for being here. "is this anything?" is available now. jerry seinfeld, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by ella mai. stick around. ♪ ♪ get ready - our most popular battery is now even more powerful. the stronger, lasts-longer energizer max. joe biden will not raise taxes on anyone making under 400 thousand dollars. biden will close tax loopholes for big corporations. trump's tax cut giveaway exploded our debt, so he's threatening social security and medicare. biden will make the wealthy and big corporations
pay their fair share. so we can protect social security and medicare and invest in schools and health care. i'm joe biden and i approve this message. i'm joe biden iwith vicks sinex saline nasal cmist.tion for drug free relief that works fast. vicks sinex. instantly clear everday congestion. knowinit's hard.re is hard. eliminate who you are not first,
♪ ♪ >> we begin tonight with that breaking news. president trump is leaving walter reed medical center and heading back to the white house. >> we are going to be such good roommates. we're going to watch movies, spread respiratory droplets to the staff. i can't believe i'm in the white house. you are criminally negligent. i might have friends over. what's with all the dirty looks? ♪ ♪ ♪ i like big jeans. itty-bitty jeans. ♪ ♪ feelin' trendy y'all, with the straight jeans ♪ showin' off those curves, 'cause you the queen ♪ ♪ everyone go slay in your old navy jeans ♪ this monday and tuesday get 50% off everything online - only at oldnavy.com
this was the theater i came to quite often. the support we've had over the last few months has been amazing. it's not just a work environment. everyone here is family. if you are ready to open your heart and your home, check us out. we thought for sure that we were done. and this town said: not today. ♪ ♪ we undeniable ♪ finally, a mopping cloth that kills 99.9 percent of germs. from clorox. and ask your doctor about biktarvy. biktarvy is a complete, one-pill, once-a-day treatment used for h-i-v in certain adults. it's not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights h-i-v to help you get to and stay undetectable. that's when the amount of virus is so low
it cannot be measured by a lab test. research shows people who take h-i-v treatment every day and get to and stay undetectable can no longer transmit h-i-v through sex. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. rare, life-threatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. if you're living with hiv, keep loving who you are. and ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. if you're living with hiv, keep loving who you are. woman 1: get your woman 2: you can stay healthy and fill it out from the safety of home. surfer: or you can fill it out anywhere. man 1: it's easy to mail it back. you don't even need a stamp. man 2: or you can use an official drop box. woman 3: you can even drop it off at the polls.
man 3: then, track it to confirm your county got it. see? they got it! woman 4: mail ballots are the simple, safe, and secure way to ensure that your vote is counted. proposition 16 takes some women make as little as 42% of what a man makes. voting yes on prop 16 helps us fix that. it's supported by leaders like kamala harris and opposed by those who have always opposed equality. we either fall from grace or we rise. together. proposition 16 provides equal opportunities, levelling the playing field for all of us. vote yes on prop 16. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back. performing her new single "not another love song," ladies and gentlemen, ella mai.
♪ ♪ ♪ i don't wanna mess this up could it be too much ♪ to say i'm in? deep end ♪ swimming in my feelings i been here before, but ♪ it feels like i'm drowning sinking in my overthinking ♪ tell me am i foolish to think you'd meet me here? ♪ i wanna do this again ♪ ♪ i'm going down 'cause ♪ i know that it's you i see in my dreams ♪ i'm going down let me drown over you ♪ living in my dream in my dreams ♪ i love the way you do it don't stop ♪ don't wanna lose it i love the way you ♪ do it to me i love the way you
do it ♪ don't stop don't wanna lose it ♪ i love the way you do it to me but ♪ i don't wanna mess this up could it be too much ♪ to say i'm in? i just wanna know wassup ♪ do you feel it? 'cause i think i'm in ♪ love, love yeah i'm finna take my time ♪ my mind, my rules this ain't no crime ♪ making love to you though you ain't said it's mine ♪ i have a hard time waiting for you, babe ♪ like ooh, boy you, boy ♪ got me where you want just gotta say and it's on ♪ it's like ooh, boy do you know you got me like ♪ where do you go when you're
alone? ♪ i wanna do this again i'm going down ♪ 'cause i know that it's you i see in my dreams ♪ i'm going down let me drown over you ♪ living in my dream in my dreams ♪ i love the way you do it don't stop ♪ don't wanna lose it i love the way you ♪ do it to me i love it ♪ i love the way you do it don't stop ♪ don't wanna lose it i love the way you ♪ do it to me but i don't wanna mess this up ♪ could it be too much to say i'm in? ♪ i just wanna know wassup do you feel it?
whatever stereotype you're gonna try . . . . . . to put on me about having hiv isn't gonna fit. that's for sure. my name is zach and i'm on biktarvy. biktarvy is a complete, one-pill, once-a-day treatment . . . . . . used for hiv in certain adults. it's not a cure but with one small . . . . . . pill, biktarvy fights hiv . . . . . . to help you get to and stay undetectable. that's when the amount of virus is so low it cannot be measured by a lab test. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. rare, life-threatening side effects include a build-up of lactic acid and liver problems. do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin.
tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding . . . . . . or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. if you're living with hiv . . . . . . keep loving who you are. and ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you.
>> stephen: that's it for "a late show." tune in tomorrow when we will be live following the vice presidential debate and i'll be talking to mayor pete buttigieg, plus a performance by "future islands." james corden is next, but first, let's say good night with some music from jon batiste and stay human. ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show oh, oh ♪ the late late show, ooh the late late show