Skip to main content

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  January 11, 2021 11:35pm-12:38am PST

11:35 pm
late show with stephen colbert is next. >> thanks for watching. news continues streams on cbsn bay area. have a great night. captioning sponsored by cbs >> and you have republicans now, like your senator marco rubio, who is standing up and saying, you know, gosh, impeachment just gets in the way of unity. >> now the democrats are going to try to remove the president from office just seven days before he's set to leave anyway? i do not see how that unifies the country. >> i think we need to come together. >> meanwhile... let the hall of justice -- >> holy ice cubes! captain cold and lex luther are freezing washington, d.c.! >> soon the capitol will be mine! >> your plan failed, luther. captain cold was apprehended.
11:36 pm
>> and rightly so. captain cold should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law! >> but he was under your orders. now is not the timime to point fingers. now is the time for unity! >> you will pay, luther. but i've already learned my lesson! >> i believe that -- -- lex luther. has learned -- whoops, that was from the first time i attacked the capitol. here we go. >> lex luther -- -- touched the hot stove on wednesday and is unlikely to touch it again -- >> yes, it's very unlikely. now, give me back my twitter feed, or i will destroy washington with my mutant termite army! >> announcer: it's "a late show with stephen colbert." tonight: in science edition. plus, stephen welcomes chris rock and musical guest joss stone. a special appearance by aubrey
11:37 pm
plaza. featuring jon batiste and stay homin'. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater office building in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: hey, everybody? welcome to "a late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. you know, when i saw the events at the capitol last wednesday, i was more upset than i can ever remember. i think i said so on air, and a lot of people have said to me sense, what about 9/11, stephen? well, yeah, that is the most horrible day in america's history, but i want to point out no americans were cheering tore the terrorists back then, no one was making excuses for the terrorists, no one was pretending they weren't territories. and now that we've had time to learn more and see more of what happened on that terrible day last week, all i can think is, oh, stephen from last week, you sweet, naive child, how could you have been so calm? because this attack was far
11:38 pm
worse than it first looked. the terrorists who stormed the capitol weren't just a bunch ofia hoose fed a steady diet of lies, fake juice and monster energy drink, this was a coordinated and planned attempt to terrorize if not kill our nation's elected leaders. and the prompter just said, insert joke here. can we get a joke in here later? just put it in post. thanks. because we're learning those rioters brought more than just stupid hats and patchy beards. the chief of the capitol police, who has since resigned, was shocked by what he saw, telling the "washington post:" "they came with riot helmets, gas masks, shields, pepper spray, fireworks, climbing gear. climbing gear! explosives, metal pipes, baseball bats." holy dick's sporting goods. meanwhile, at the george floyd protests, they wouldn't let
11:39 pm
you bring a hoagie because it might've made the police hangry. but wait, there's worse! here's a for-some-reason under-reported detail: pipe bombs were found at both the d.n.c. and r.n.c. buildings, which the former capitol police chief now suspects were an intentional effort to draw officers away from the capitol perimeter. that's some professional-level insurgency tactics, committed by homegrown terrorists on a jughead jihad. they're yee-hawdis! to understand the horror that was perpetrated in our capitol building, just look at graphic moments like these, where rioters nearly crushed an officer to death in a doorway, and grabbed another officer, dragged him down the steps, and proceeded to beat him with poles bearing the american flag, while chanting "usa!" so it's hard to pin down what
11:40 pm
these idiots believe in. black lives matter? oh, no. blue lives matter? yes, but only if we're not currently trying to murder them with the stars and stripes. it could've been even worse. another terrorist was arrested after authorities searched his car and found 11 molotov cocktails. if you think it's wrong to call these people terrorists, consider this-- you're wrong. according to g.o.p. congressman peter meyer, some republicans "knew in their heart of hearts that they should've voted to certify biden's win, but some had legitimate concerns about the safety of their families." they capitulated to armed, violent extremists. that's the g.o.p.'s new motto: "we don't negotiate with terrorists-- we just give them what they want." no surprise, the people who survived this violent attack are a little cranky. this morning, house democrats formally introduced an article of impeachment against the president.
11:41 pm
so it's time for our hoped-i'd-never-see-sequel: "don and the giant impeach 2: go fast, we're furious." >> you knew damn well i was a snake before you took me in! ( growling ) >> stephen: now, some people are saying, "why bother? he's only got nine days left in office." to them i reply, "he's got nine days left in office!" you can do a lot in nine days. it's enough to create the universe, and then take a three-day weekend. for pete's sake, six days ago, the president hadn't inspired murder in the capitol. might've been handy to have impeached him way back then! but impeachment does take time. time democracy may not have. which is why house democrats introduced a resolution today that calls on mike pence to remove the president under the 25th amendment. democrats and mike pence might make strange bedfellows, but as
11:42 pm
long as mother's in the room, it's technically allowed. it's kosher. i mean, it's not kosher, but you get the idea. so far, pence appears to have little appetite for going forward with that. okay, how do we increase his appetite? have they tried slathering the 25th amendment with mayo, and slapping it between two slices of wonderbread? you'd think pence would be more into the idea, consideriring wht the rioterers were chantnting: >> hang mike pence! >> hang mike pence! >> hang mike pence! >> hang mike pence! >> stephen: what part of "hang mike pence" does mike pence not understand? it's his name and one verb! either mike pence is unbelievably forgiving or he just gets off on erotic asphyxiation. either way, he's living up to the immortal words of nathan hale: "i regret i have but one life to give for the president who wants his followers to murder me." by the way, crowd, if you're going to hang mike pence, you've got to catch him first!
11:43 pm
but the veep hasn't entirely ruled out invoking the 25th. reportedly, pence wants to preserve the option in case the president becomes more unstable. "more unstable?" really? "uh, mr. dahmer, we've been through your freezer, and we are disturbed by what we found. i'm letting you off with a warning this time, but if we see any signs that you're feeling snacky, there will be serious consequences. anyway, sorry to interrupt your dinner." pence isn't the only republican looking to give the president a pass. so is house minority leader and man pointing to where his balls used to be, kevin mccarthy. on friday, mccarthy argued, "impeaching the president with just 12 days left in his term will only divide our country more." well, maybe our country needs to be divided. by prison glass. we can still talk, kevin, but you're going to need to pick up the little phone. what kev needs to realize, is
11:44 pm
that if you flirt with fascism long enough, before you know it, you're married with two kids, adolf and benito. and hey, all you hand-wringing hypocrites: everyone wants the united states united. it's kind of our thing. you know, one nation, under god, indivisible. but speaking of god, what i learned in sunday school is that in order for there to be reconciliation, there must first be repentance. it's why you don't begin confession with, "bless me, father, i've done nothing wrong, antifa coveted my neighbor's wife." who could blame him? look at the can on her. another republican deep in denial is missouri senator and man with resting joker face roy blunt. yesterday, blunt was on the nation face, and explained we don't need to impeach the president because he's learned his lesson. >> now, my personal view is that the president touched the hot stove on wednesday and is unlikely to touch it again. >> stephen: unlikely!
11:45 pm
"i'm not going to say there's no chance that he will use a personal army of paramilitary terrorists to overthrow the government. but you know, 60-40. let's roll the dice together! come on, daddy needs a panic room under the rotunda!" snake eyes! and by the way, he's "unlikely to touch the hot stove again?" the president isn't exactly famous for not touching things he shouldn't. may i remind you, roy boy: the potus didn't just incite a crowd to riot, the president was deeply involved in the planning of the rally, sending multiple tweets encouraging his followers to come to washington on january 6, and promising "be there, will be wild!" he didn't touch the stove. he rented an apartment, bought a stove, installed it, stuffed in some oily rags, turned on the gas, ripped out the smoke alarm, invited all his friends over, and threw in a lit match, saying, "true patriots, touch that stove! if you need me, i'll be home, watching it all on tv while i
11:46 pm
pleasure myself with a double cheeseburger." he hasn't been impeached yet, but the president has suffered some consequences. on friday, citing the risk of him fomenting more violence, "twitter banned the president permanently." oh, damn! a lifetime twitter ban has got to sting. they took away his precious! according to a senior administration official, when he found out, "the president went ballistic." a troubling description of the guy who still has the nuclear codes. "he blew up! he went to def-con 4. his anger detonated in a flash of white light and then mushroomed out, destroying everything in its path. i guess what i'm saying is the fat man acted like a little boy." then the president went into full weasel mode. first, he "tried to tweet from the official @potus account," but "twitter swiftly deleted those tweets," so he slithered over to "the official twitter account for the trump campaign but his campaign's twitter account was then suspended." now he's just getting kayleigh
11:47 pm
mceneany to write his tweets on poster board and hold them out by the underpass. but twitter isn't the only social media site that wants nothing to do with our president. he's also been banned or restricted from a bevy of other platforms, including facebook snapchat, instagram, reddit, and even twitch. what are you waiting for, pornhub? the president can't even turn to alt-right cesspools, because "parler has been shut down after amazon kicked the website off its servers." for those of you who don't know what parler is, first of all, must be nice. second, it's twitter, but all trolls. it's like a thanksgiving dinner where the whole table is racist uncles. in addition to its website being taken down, parler also suffered a blow the previous day when apple and google removed the parler app from their app stores, which led to a certain chip off the ol' turd to complain about a left-wing conspiracy. >> does anyone think it's a
11:48 pm
total coincidence that literally the day that twitter bans the president of the united states permanently from their platform, that apple-- really, it's not just the app store, but that apple wants to ban parler? >> stephen: no! no one thinks that's a coincidence! after a murderous attempted coup egged on by the president and his followers on social media, social media shut them down. it's not a coincidence. it's a consequence. i know it's hard for you to recognize because you've never faced one before! so, after being shut out of every social media app, the president has now suggested building his own platform. i don't know if that's a good idea. this president has a really hard time with platforms. but it's not just social media that wants to unfriend the president. in the wake of wednesday's presidentially-sanctioned terrorist attack, the organizers
11:49 pm
of the p.g.a. championship canceled plans to hold the event at the president's bedminster, new jersey golf club in 2022. that's got to hurt. the president loves golf more than he's loved any of his wives. it's way easier to cheat on, and you rarely end up with an accidental eric. a spokesperson said, "it's become clear that conducting the p.g.a. championship at the president's bedminster golf course would be detrimental to the p.g.a. of america brand." so, up until now, the p.g.a. thought trump was fine for their brand? i guess that explains their 2016 promotional slogan, "the p.g.a.: grab 'em by the putter!" we've got a great show for you tonight. chris rock is here. stick around. ♪ tasha, did you know geico could save you hundreds
11:50 pm
on car insurance and a whole lot more? hmm. so what are you waiting for? hip hohop group tatag team to help p you plan d dessert? ♪ frerench vanilllla! rockcky road! ♪ ♪ chococolate, peananut butterer, cookie d dough! ♪ ♪ scoop! ththere it is!s! ♪ scoopop! there itit is! ♪ scoop! ! there it i is! ♪ scoop! ! there it i is! scoop!p! ♪ ♪ shahaka-laka! s shaka-lak ♪ shahaka-laka! s shaka! scoop!. ♪ ♪ chococo-laka! chohoco-laka!.. geico. swiwitch today y and seel the e ways you c could sav. ♪ sprinkleses! is nowow even morere powerfu. the ststrong, lasts-s-longer enenergizer m. [sniffffing] is t the salmon n wild-caughght? shshe only eatats wild cauaught.
11:51 pm
[c[cash registster beeps]] uh, i needed a pricice check onon honey. don't get mad. get e*trade and get more than just trtrading. invevesting. bananking. guidancece. so this avaveeno® m moisturizerr goes beyeyond just s soothig sensnsitive skinin? exactltly jen! cacalm + restotore oat gelel is formulatated with prprebiotic . anand strengththens skin'ss momoisture bararrier. uh! i loveve it! aveenono® healthy. i it's our nanatur™ charmin ultra soft is so soft much are you hon? aveenono® you'll have to remind your family they can use less. charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. enjoy the go with charmin. nicoreyou u get advicece like: smokining is hard.d. trtry hypnosisis... or.... quit colold turkey.. kidding g me?! inststead, startrt small. wiwith nicocorette. whicich can leadad to someththi.
11:52 pm
start ststopping witith nicoree drivive safe. what'll wewe do with o our son gone offff to collegege? whatat you'll dodo is claimm a tutuition tax x credit foror. whwhich, i canan help filel. right here. come on, look, look, look! if you're e a photographer, these e props can n be deduct. ♪ can n i write ofoff the wifi in my y son's treeeehouse? if that't's where yoyou get yoyour freelanancing done,e, th. thanank you! filele with the e help of anan . or, let anan expert fifile for . intuitit turbotax x live
11:53 pm
11:54 pm
♪ >> stephen: heaivedz, let's say hello to our friend jon batiste. jon, you and the band sound great in those bumpers. i need the energy. you guys always bring the joy. how are you doing? it's a very dark time. >> jon: you know what? it's nine days till inauguration, but i keep thinking, we have years and years and years of work to do, so i'm trying to build myself up to do the work. that's how i'm doing. >> stephen: well, if you figure out what the work is, please give me an assignment. in the meantime, do you have any more of that -- do you have any more joy in your fingertips you can share with america? >> jon: oh, my goodness,
11:55 pm
always. ♪ >> stephen: thank you, jon. jon batiste, everybody. my guest tonight is an actor, writer, director and comedian. please welcome to "a late show," chris rock! hello, chris rock. >> wow! no music, nothin'! >> stephen: nope. nope. >> nothin'! >> stephen: no. welcome to the desert. >> wow! those charlie rose pills are kicking in, man! ( laughter ) wow! >> stephen: mm-hmm. it's lonely out here. >> whoa hoa, hoa! >> stephen: do you know what the weirdest part is? after ten months, it stops feeling weird. that's when you know you're in trouble. this feels normal now.
11:56 pm
>> you interview gorbachev? what's going on? >> stephen: if we plunged everything in darkness, we would do that. this is welcome to "the late show"'s tiny desk concert with stephen colbert and chris rock. >> yes. >> stephen: chris, i'm so happy to have you on. i've never had a chance to interview you before. thanks for being here. >> really? >> stephen: never. we're both from south carolina, if that means anything. >> stephen: i don't know if that does. let's into that for a second. i don't know if that means anything. people say you must know chris rock, he's from south carolina. i said, he left when he was pretty young and, b, the people who say that haven't spent much time in south carolina. they don't understand there are two very different south carolinas. >> very different. >> stephen: do you know the state motto. >> what is the state motto, stephen? >> stephen: it is doom spiro sparrow, while i breathe, i hope. >> okay. >> stephen: that's not too
11:57 pm
bad. one of the things i introduced you as is a writer, director, producer and comedian. which of those is most important to you? you have to pick one. >> capricorn. >> stephen: okay. no. comedian. comedian is my, you know, i mean, i'm in the top 20, where i would be in the top 700 actors. so i would rather be, you know -- >> stephen: and the comedy leads to everything else. that's the nuclear reactor that drives the whole machine. >> yes, hard doing comedy right now. >> stephen: it is. though i saw your special, and total blackout, and i was very grateful for it. >> thank you. >> stephen: it's from somewhat to have the before times. it's not from this moment right now. >> no. >> stephen: but i was grateful you were able to be in front of an audience. i loved hearing that laughter. >> god god, i can't wait, man!
11:58 pm
i can't wait! it's hard doing comedy. government mumford & sons taking over the capitol. i'm, like, is that winston? that's winston! wow! it's crazy, just the whole country's just losing it! did you see pelosi on "60 minutes" last night when they asked her about a.o.c.? whoa! it was like asking nikki my imagine a cardi b -- nicky m minage a cardi b question. egot plenty of emcees! feeling really old and rich right now. and then picking up that girl, mia ponsetto. >> stephen: the one that gayle interviewed about the phone? >> yeah, guess what?
11:59 pm
i got your phone, bitch! >> stephen: it was you? it was me! i took it and i'm never giving it back! >> stephen: one to have thetomics you cover in your in effect special is the way -- i mean, we've talked about this for years, be uh the way black people are treated by police, and when you look at -- compare the "black lives matter" protests and how they were treated and how the troops were brought out to protect the lincoln memorial from black protestors, and there were tanks in the streets of various towns includele the capitol of the united states, and they were shooting tear gas and rubber bullets, and then you see there is this lightweight reaction to armed militias, what does that make you think? >> yeah, with "black lives matter," they had, like, apache helicopters, and for this there was food trucks outside! it was, like, they were selling
12:00 am
burritos! i was, like, what was going on? if popcorn was black, they'd not sell it in the movie theaters. you could say that. if fruit was black, you would not put whipped cream on it! whatever! if eminem was black he would be sacking grocery. >> stephen: i'll move on to the next question. i have a slight bone to pick with you. >> what do you have to pick with me, stephen? >> stephen: this right here. this photo from last fall. do you see that? >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: we are essentially the same age. a, i don't believe a man in his 50s should have abs, and, b, i find it offensive for a comedian to be sexy. what is the meaning to have this, sir? answer for yourself. >> everything you just said, i
12:01 am
don't know how it got there. i learned how to swim this summer. >> stephen: oh. o it was kind of like one of these weird things. it was just a product of swimming. >> stephen: i actually -- i was actually not surprised by your abs, because i've seen your abs. i've seen your abs in person. do you want to know where that is? >> where? >> stephen: i was at a very nice resort a few years ago, down in the caribbean, and it was a brand-new resort, and i didn't know if it was any good, and i'm sitting there on the beach with my family and i looked down the peach with and i thought, oh, this must be a very good resort because that's chris rock about ten chairs away from me with an extremely attractive, extremely younung woman. did you see me? >> those were the days... >> stephen: did you see me? i don't -- did we speak? did we? >> stephen: no, people said you should say hi to him, you're
12:02 am
both from is south carolina. i said, no, it doesn't matter! that doesn't count! so, no, i didn't go over and say hi. i was urged to. >> we could have had a pina colada or something, that would have been nice. i watch you all the time. >> stephen: i love what you say in the special about landing to go to a resort. >> yeah, just that ride, there's nothing scarier than the ride from the airport to the resort. you see the worst poverty in the world, and then, you know, it's like dead babies and stuff and then you get a pina colada and you're like, mmm, jamaica's nice! you forgive everything. it's so sad, stephen. it's so sad. >> stephen: we have to take a quick break. we'll be right back with more chris rock! ♪ for pepeople livining with h-i-, kekeep being y you.
12:03 am
and d ask your d doctor about biktktarvy. biktarvyvy is a compmplete, one-pill,, oncece-a-day trereatment usesedr h-i-v in c certain adudults. it's not a a cure, butt with o one small p pill, bibiktarvy figights h-i-vv to help p you get toto anand stay undndetectable.e. that's when thehe amount of virusus is so lowow it cannonot be measusured byby a lab tesest. researarch shows people w who take h-h-i-v trtreatment evevery day and get toto and stayy undetetectable can n no longer r transmit h-i-v ththrough sex.x. seserious sidede effects cacan occur, inclcluding kidndney problelems and kidndney failurere. rarere, life-thrhreatening siside effectsts include a a buildup ofof lactic acacid and livever problemsms. dodo not take e biktarvy if you t take dofetitilide or rififampin. tell y your doctoror about all l the medicicines and susupplements s you take,, if you arere pregnantt or breastftfeeding, or i if you haveve kidney oror liver proroblems, inclcluding hepapatitis. if y you have hehepatitis b,b, do not s stop takingng biktarvyy withouout talkingg to your dodoctor. commonon side effefects were diarrheaea, nausea, , and head. if y you'rere living wiwith hiv, keep lovining who you u are.
12:04 am
and d ask your d doctor if b biy is right f for you. if y you'rere living wiwith hiv, keep lovining who you u are. ♪ beds get sick too protection. lysol l laundry sasanitizer kills 99.9.9% of illnessss-causing b bactera detergenents leave b behind. prproven to kikill covid-1-9
12:05 am
ohhhhh... i'm lolooking for cocoupon codeses. well, cacapital one e shopping instanantly searchches for availalable couponon codes anand automatitically applieies them. save me e some cheddddar! cacapital one e shopping.. it's kindada geniuius. whwhat's in yoyour wallet?
12:06 am
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (beeeeping soundnd) ♪ ♪ bubut these dadays, i'm nonot gg out as m much as i'd'd like t. that's whyhy i take ososteo bi-. it h helps with h occasionalalt stififfness, whihile it noururs and d strengthenens my jojoints for t the long teterm.
12:07 am
osteo bi-f-flex. because e i'm madede to move.. ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody, we're back here with chris rock. the original was the tamborine speciall in 2017 and now it'ss a remix. what's a remix of a comedy special? > a remix of a comedy specia, in this case, there's 33 new minutetes that were nonot in the origininal special, and somebody orders change, a and i use different takess from different shows. so it's kind of different. it's kind of -- you know, when i was initially brought the idea to netflix, they were, like, come on, didn't want to do it. when i showed it to them, they were, like, this is a new special. so, you know, i can't do comedy with no audience during the
12:08 am
pandemic, that's pretty hard. >> stephen: yeah, it's kind of hard. who would do that? that would be a dumb thing to try to do, go do comedy without an audience. only an idiot would attempt that. what's the first thing you want to do when you see that audience? what's the first thing do you want to do? do you want to do jokes for them or just get naked and jump on them. i just want to rub up against people. i miss human beings. >> i miss them, too. i'm trying to get me a bubble. you've got to get a bubble. >> stephen: like a hamster loble going down the street. >> the pods. >> stephen: like you're sharing your viral biome with. are you all alone, chris rock. >> yeah, my kids left, so i'm kind of alone right now. >> stephen: without the audience. i know you've been very open about going to therapy and how important that is to you. for me the audience is actually the way i deal with my anxiety, that connection, hearing the laughter of the audience kind of
12:09 am
calls me down. i go, okay, this thing i thought makes sense to you, and, so, i feel less alone, and not having them, all that anxiety is still internalized. i'm having to imagine it being released to an audience. what does it do to your mental state to not have an audience, chris rock? >> i used to abuse an audience in the sense i would do something in my normal life and i would go, ah, man, you know what, chris? you don't listen to people, you talk over people, you're rude, you need to apologize, you need to chahange your ways. and then i would go up in front of an audience and they'd give me a standing ovation and i go, i'm not changing nothing! i'm obviously right! these people are standing! so quarantine has humbled me, stephen. >> stephen: uh-huh. pif a rumor i want -- i have a rumor i want to run by you. >> yeah. >> stephen: there's a rumor, is it true you were in
12:10 am
contention to play george costanza on "seinfeld"? >> i just heard that one. i mean, there was a not of nbc talk. there was talk about "seinfeld," there was talk about me being one of the "friends" at that point. >> stephen: really? yes, yes, i would have been the black friend. that's basically who i am to america anyway at this point. but let's just say the good people at "seinfeld," they made the right choice. he's good. he's amazing. >> stephen: when you were younger, were there any pilots or things that you were a part of that didn't go? like, this is my break, the thing i'm going to do. for me it's the dana carvey show in a way and i thought it would put me on the map and just dissolved in seven shows. was there a thing you thought i'm goining to ridee this out, s is my paycheck, ththis is my payday? >> yeah, i was s supposed to be cockroach on the cosby show,
12:11 am
that was supposed to happen, where i was theo's best fririen. thank god that didn't happen. think about the world right now, bill cosby is in jail and snoop dogg is the number one pitch man in america. >> stephen: he hasn't done the pudding yet, i'm waiting for the pudding pops. >> oh,ian, i would buy anything snoop dogg sells. i just bought a snoop dogg quilt! i got some gangsta sleep! if you ain't got a snoop dogg quilt, you are sleeping like a bitch! >> stephen: i'll take your word for it. >> get one of them snoop dogg quilts, i'm telling you. >> stephen: i hope i can see you in person. i hope you can walk onand hear the cheer of the audience at some time in the future. you know the ed sullivan theater. you know how beautiful it is down there. >> i love the e ed sullivan
12:12 am
theater. >> stephen: you were here for the last night of dave show. >> i was. i was very fortunate. >> stephen: what was it like backstage? >> it was typical dave not saying a freakin' word. >> stephen: what about back to the other people? >> me, "seinfeld," julia louise, jim carey and i think steve martin, i believe, we were happy. letterman is his lovely miserable self. >> stephen: i just had a memory of you. i realized the first time i met you was i think when the colbert report was being announced, it was at some viacom thing up front, and they announced it and i'm actually there. i was in an outfit i had to wear for a bit i was doing for the "daily show," the last night before i moved over and i think
12:13 am
it was you and accident thinks leery and jeanine garafalo, we're talking 15, 16 years ago, and me, and they had us get in front of a step and repeat for a photo. >> i had seen you only one other time. it was a weird movie, not a great movie, but you were so funny, in that mike myers movie, "the love guru." >> stephen: i'll not have you sit here and cast aspersions on -- the american film institute has named that one of the 100 most made movies -- >> i thought you were hysterical in "love guru." i said, who is this guy? he's hysterical! >> stephen: it was just me and jim gaffigan hanging out dwayne. it was all in the writer's strike and there couldn't be a script so they said just improvise. >> i think you should quit this show and just do that guy.
12:14 am
that guy is amazing. >> stephen: i'm in! when we come back, can i guest host? i don't want to guest host, jus- >> stephen: no, too late, i accept! i accept! i accept, and i promise, i will come back! >> i want to be ed mcmahon. i just want to sit there and -- can i just sit there and smoke weed and -- >> stephen: just like ed mcmahon. >> just like ed mcmahon! >> stephen: if by weed, you mean a dubuque hem. he used to do alpo beef chunk skinners on "the tonight show" and then cut to ed and ed would have a dog and bowl of alpo and make ed sellll alpo while johnny sat there and talked to barbie benton. thank you so much for being here. chris rock, "chris rock: total blackout: the tamborine extended cut" is available tomorrow on netflix.
12:15 am
chris rock, everybody! ♪ championship foror thi i'd be a sports legend. i'd be a household name. bubut there isisn't. and d i wouldn''t do anynything different t if there w was. nutro o feed cleanan™ ♪ (quiet piaiano music)) ♪ cocomfort in t the extremem. the lincololn family of luxury y suvs. for a quararter of youour quarr popounder withth cheese. but jujudging by w weight minens worth at l least four c chicken mcncnuggets. frfrom a cost t standpoint, they're ofof equal valalue. but i'm m older, so.o...
12:16 am
get it at mcdonald's when you get two of your faves for just six bucks. ♪ oh, oh,h(annououncer)ic®! ♪ou ononce-weekly y ozempic® is helg many peoeople with type 2 d diabetes lilike emily lower theieir blood susugar. a a majority o of adults who tookok ozempic® rereached an a a1c under 77 and mamaintained i it. hehere's your r. ohoh! my a1c i is under 7!! (annnnouncer) and you mamay lose weieight. adulults who tooook ozempicc® t on averarage up to 1 12 pound. i lolost almomost 12 pounund! ohoh! (announcerer) for r those alsoso with knowown hearart disease,e, ozempic® los the ririsk of majojor cardrdiovascularar events such as heheart attackck, stroroke, or deaeath. it lowerers the ris. oh! and d i only havave to t take it oncnce a . ohoh! ♪ oh, oh, o oh, ozempicic®! ♪ (a(announcer)) ozempipic® is nonot for peopople withth type 1 didiabetes or diabetitic ketoacididosis. do not shahare needleses or pe. don't t reuse neededles. do n not take ozozempic® i if ye a persrsonal or fafamily histy of medulullary thyroroid canc, mumultiple endndocrine neoplasia a syndrome t type 2, oror if you arare allergicc to ozezempic®. stopop taking ozozempic® and get memedical helplp right y
12:17 am
if y you get a l lump oror swelling g in your neneck, severere stomach p pain, itchi, rash, or t trouble brereathin. serious s side effecects may include e pancreatititis. tell your r doctor if f you he diabeticic retinopatathy or visision changeges. taking ozezempic® witith a susulfonylureaea or insulilin may increaease low w blood sugagar risk. cocommon side e effects arae naususea, vomititing, diarrhr, stomach h pain, and constitipation. some s side effectcts can leadad to dehydydration, which mamay worsen kidney proroblems. oncece-weekly ozozempic® i is hehelping me r reach my b blood sugarar goal. ♪ oh, oh, o oh, ozempicic®! ♪ you may papay as littltle as 5 for a 1-1-month oror 3-month p prescriptioi. ask your h health carere providider today ababout once-w-weekly ozememp. you're in the right place. my seminars are a great tool to help young homeowners who are turning into their parents. now, remember, they're not programs. they're tv shows. you woke up early. no one cares. yes. so, i was using something called homequote explorer from progressive to easily compare home insurance rates. was i hashtagging? progressive can't help you from becoming your parents, but we can help you compare rates on home insurance with homequote explorer.
12:18 am
guess what. the waiter doesn't need to know your name.
12:19 am
♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody. you know, folks, doing the show is a privilege. i get to talk to all sorts of interesting people about fascinating subjects, so i like to steer clear of
12:20 am
tabloid rumors and celebrity gossip. but do you know who i hear loves celebrity gossip? aubrey plaza. in fact, she was on my show last months -- last year, actually -- and she dished out goss so hot, we had to let it cool down for four days before we could serve it. well, goldilocks, tonight it is just right. so get out your prridge spoon, you know that big wooden one! and call in papa bear, and let's slurp it up. you've worked with huge stars over the years. you yourself are a huge star but you've worked with huge stars over the years and i'd like to do a little segment right now if you're willing to indulge me and america right now -- >> yes. >> stephen: -- a little game we're tawlg "tea at the plaza" where aubrey plaza spills the tea on some of your co-stars. some of what you're about to tell us, if you're willing to go along with us, some of what you're about to tell us is not
12:21 am
true, okay. but you are going to grease us with some shade, if what i said means anything. >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: let's spill the tea. >> well, i guess i better get my cup of tea. >> stephen: she has her own props. tell us something scandalous about amy poehler. >> amy poehler -- you know what i hear about her? >> stephen: what? he sleeps with a justin bieber doll in between her legs every night. what a creep. >> stephen: again, some of these are not true. >> they're all true. >> stephen: zac ephron. the zac ephron has the smallest teeth i've ever seen. they're like little chicklets. if you have to do a kissing scene with him, they'll probably fall out in your mouth and down your throat. that was a shocking one about
12:22 am
ephron. what about robert de niro. >> oooh, you know what i heard about robert de niro that i know is true? he likes to dress up like a mail man and deliver mail, and he's not qualified to do that. he better stop that, bob. you know what i'm talking about. >> stephen: victor garber. victor garber, don't get me started. >> stephen: i'm afraid i have to. >> victor garber likes to get his knee pits ma cadged. he wants to get them greased up and worked out, and i don't want to know why. >> stephen: finally, the muppets. >> the muppets. ever heard of miss piggy? >> stephen: yes. ever seen her tail? let me tell you something about her tail -- she's had work done
12:23 am
on her tail. okay? >> stephen: wow. that bitch gets her tail plumped every two months, so don't you believe what you see wagin' around on that screen. she getting her tail plumped! >> stephen: these are also exclusivives. auaubrey, thank you so much for trusting us with this information. >> thank you. ♪ new w aveeno® rerestorative e skin therarapy. withth our highehest concentntn of prebiototic oat intensely y moisturizezes over e to i improve skikin's resilili. aveenono® healtlthy. itit's our natature™.. tonight, try purure zzzs allll night.t. to i improve skikin's resilili. unlilike other s sleep aids,s, our extended release melatonin helps you sleep longer. and longer. zzzquil pure zzzs all night.. fall aslsleep. stay asleeeep.
12:24 am
fighght back fasast, with nenes naturals... freeee from artitificial flavors s and dyes.. is nowow even morere powerfu. the ststrong, lasts-s-longer enenergizer m. the ststrong, lasts-s-longer whenen phe doeoesn't justteses mmakeke a pizza.. he u uses fresh,h, clean ingredieients toto make a mamasterpiece.. tastste our delilicious new flatbrbread pizzasas today. papanera. ♪ beds get sick too protection. lysol l laundry sasanitizer kills 99.9.9% of illnessss-causing b bactera detergenents leave b behind. prproven to kikill covid-1-9
12:25 am
who doesn't take no for an answer. ♪ they don't walk in quietly. ♪ they parade in. trailblazing, eyebrow raising, status-quo breaking. there's a certain kind of person who doesn't wait for greatness. they make it. ♪
12:26 am
businenesses todayay are lookio tomorrsetting ththe but t new ways o of working g d a new typepe of networork. one ththat's more e than just . you needed flexibilility- to worork from anynywhere andd managege from evererywhere. advavanced technhnology. with serioious securitity. and rereliable covoverage, nationwiwide. foforward-thininking enterpriseses deservee forwarard-thinkingng solutio. and that's's what we d deliv. so bounce e forward, with comomcast busininess.
12:27 am
♪ whwhoa, susan!n! ohhhhh... i'm lolooking for cocoupon codeses. well, cacapital one e shopping instanantly searchches for availalable couponon codes anand automatitically applieies them. save me e some cheddddar! cacapital one e shopping.. it's kindada geniuius.
12:28 am
whwhat's in yoyour wallet? for a quarter of your quarter pounder with cheese. but judging by weight mines worth at least four chicken mcnuggets. from a cost standpoint, they're of equal value. but i'm older, so... get it at mcdonald's when you get two of your faves for just six bucks. good bonones, wrapararound por. the pipepes are... m making strange nonoises. ♪
12:29 am
♪ even thehe plumberss cocouldn't helelp us. nope. at least geico makes bundling our home and car insurance easy. which saves us a ton. for bundling made easy, go to
12:30 am
>> stephen: welelcome back,k, eveverybody. perfororming her n new single,ek with me," j joss stone!e! ♪ walk wiwith me through h every firere in the ld ♪ walk wiwith me a time o of love is s close at d ♪ let's comome togetherer united we e stand ♪ side e by side step by ststep ♪ walk wiwith me walk witith me
12:31 am
♪ when ouour brothersrs and siss cacannot breatath ♪ let it t be known wewe won't bacack down ♪ we wowon't leavee whenen we're facacin' ♪ any kind d of strugglgle there's a a hero therere ♪ tryna wasash away alall of your r troubles ♪ walk wiwith me wawalk with meme ♪ thrhrough the d drama these daysys will passss ♪ walk withth me ththe time i l love is clolose d ♪ l let's come e together ununited we ststand ♪ sidide by sidee stepep by step ♪ walk k with me walklk with me ♪ so take a a hand
12:32 am
and d let's diveve into the e wr ♪ and everyry now and t then beining human ♪ w we're gonnana falter but t we'll presess on and b beg ♪ andnd we will s survive itt and d every pathth that's wrwrog ♪ togogether we c can right i it ♪ walalk with mee wawalk with meme ♪ thrhrough everyry painful h ht we'v've had ♪ walalk with mee a titime of loveve ♪ i is so closese at hand at hanand ♪ let's comome togetherer uniteded we standd ♪ sidide by sidee stepep by step ♪ walalk with me wawalk with meme ♪ mighthty winds mamay howl a around us ♪ i it seems wewe've found d ous on rockyky ground ♪ deaeath is on r repeat
12:33 am
but one e thing seemems clear te ♪ some mamay hate uss but theyey'll never r break us ♪ togogether withth love it's morore than enonough ♪ walk wiwith me through h every madndness ♪ if yoyou can walk with h me ♪ a time e of love isis so close a at hand ♪ come e together, , people uniteded we standd ♪ sidide by sidee step by ststep ♪ wonon't you walalk with me?e? walk with h me ♪ wouldld you walk k together,, pleaease? ♪ won't y you walk totogether fifinally? ♪ no morere divides
12:34 am
nono more lieses ♪ no more, , please >> stephen: joss stone, everybody! we'll be right back.
12:35 am
12:36 am
♪ ♪ digitatal transforormation has faileded to take o off. becacause it hasasn't reremoved ththe endless s mundane workrk we all hahate. ♪ ♪ automatition can sololve that by takining on repetetitive tasks for r us. unleash yoyour potentitial. uipathth. reboot w work. >> stephen: well, that's it for "a late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be former f.b.i. director james comey, and star of "riverdale," lili reinhart.
12:37 am
james corden is next. good night. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ . captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show, oh, oh the late late show ♪ oh, oh it's the late late show ♪


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on