captioning sponsored by cbs >> after returning to his home state, former vice president mike pence and his wife are reportedly homeless. according to reports, the pences haven't owned a home in a decade, so they are now couch suffering ( doorbell rings ) >> good evening. it's an honor to speak to you tonight. >> it's vice president pence! what brings you to this neighborhood? >> we're going to stay with you. >> so just you? >> in addition, my wife and kids. >> anyone else? >> the person who shaped my life the most is also with us tonight. >> who's that? >> my mom. >> oh, that's quite a crew.

we-- we just have the one couch. >> i humbly accept. >> let me just ask my better half. jim! >> mother, run. >> announcer: it's "a late show with stephen colbert." tonight: plus stephen welcomes billy crystal and representative jackie speier featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater office building in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: oh, hey, there, everybody! welcome to "a late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. bringing you the show tonight from the diaroma, that we're submitting for our eighth grade science project. i hope we got a good grade.

when we finally get out of this pandemic, there will be some phrases i never really want to hear again. like "social distancing" or "grim milestone" or "zoom happy hour." it's either zoom or happy. pick a side. but we're still a w tunneling up to the sunshine, because yesterday, the global tally of confirmed coronavirus cases passed 100 million, with almost a quarter occurring in the united states. well, he did deliver on that "america first" thing. we just should have asked what category it was in. but it's no surprise that we have 4% of the world's population and 25% of the cases because the previous doofus-in-chief called concerns over the virus a hoax, promoted quack cures, and mocked people for wearing masks. it was the worst public health message since the 1929s: president hoover says, "don't be afraid of syphilis, pard'ner! real cowboys ride bareback." hoover, far more sex-positive than i remember!

but there's a new sheriff in town, and i'll catch you up on his plans in tonight's edition of "catch a third wave: ens bumm." ♪ don't wear your mask ♪ don't wash your hands ♪ don't aware your mask don't wash your hands ♪ don't wear your mask ♪ don't wash your hands ♪ don't wear your mask. nailed it! just call me covid van beethoven. whoa, whoa, whoa! why did you get that thing? is that a catapult? >> stephen: yes. >> okay, okay! ( laughter ). >> stephen: i want to know how and thenultight's budget went

announced a dramatic change to america's covid plan: there is one. the most exciting news: the federal government is buying enough additional doses to vaccinate 300 million americans by the end of the summer. so next halloween, the hot costume is going to be sexy normal people saying hello. they're sexy, because they can shake hands. but that's not all. biden also promised states that the total amount of vaccine they're getting will rise from 8.6 million to at least 10 million a week starting next week. that means february 2nd, next week, groundhog's day, punxsutawney phil will come out of his burrow and get vaccinated his adow.y ive them out, especially in philadelphia, where they made the oops-a-daisy

of letting college kids distribute vaccines, and the result was a disaster. well, yeah! the only thing college kids are good at distributing are ultimate frisbee sign-up sheets and h.p.v. apparently, the city contracted out their vaccine oversight to a startup called "philly fighting covid," run by a 22-year-old c.e.o., whose resume included teaching a high school film class, producing videos of people longboarding, and practicing parkour. so he's not qualified to manage healthcare, but he is qualified to date your ex-girlfriend. no surprise things did not go so well. local seniors were left in tears after finding that appointments they'd made wouldn't be honored. now, this might affect these kids' career prospects. ( as interviewer ) "i see under 'recent experience,' it says 'complete and making the elderly cry. welcome to facebook!"

that wasn't the only problem. while they were working on vaccine sign-ups, the group switched to a for-profit model and added a privacy policy, allowing it to sell users' personal data. okay, but their use irs are almost all elderly! who's looking buy that user data, big butterscotch? armchair naps unlimited? the shadowy global cartel that controls walk-in bathtubs? i want a walk-in bath tub, the by the way. those look awesome. you know what i mean? deep enough to drown in. not only was this startup a major disaster, the c.e.o. sucks major, because, reportedly, he personally pocketed vaccine doses. now, we all know they need to be kept at 90 below zero. but i'm sure they were safely transported between two ice-cold natty lights. now, folks, we've got a new president, and one of his biggest jobs is cleaning up the last one's messes. so yesterday, biden had his

first phone call with russian president and spelling bee moderator warning the contestants that all the words will be "polonium," vladimir putin. reportedly, biden took putin to task on the kremlin's effort to interfere in u.s. elections and reports that russia offered bounties in afghanistan to kill american soldiers. wow! that-- that is good to hear. i wonder if there's a name for that kind of conversation with a russian leader: >> perfect phone call. >> stephen: thank you, citizen. now, biden talking to putin is huge news in many ways, the biggest of which is we know about it! the last president hid the contents of every interaction he had with putin, and once said "what happens in his putinmeetis the note h and instructed the lguist to disevroyetheslators' notes a" nothsuious a that!itaying,

great and nothing happened with my assistant jennifer. now if you'll excuse me, i deactivate my instagram, change my name, and get a shot of penicillin." joe biden is taking american foreign policy back to what i can only describe as "american" foreign policy. and i'll tell you more in my new segment, returning to... >> norms! >> stephen: now, you might be saying: that right there, "that's norm from 'cheers,' but who's the other guy?" that's norm winer, the father of becca winer, one of our writers' assistants. it was very important that, for "norms," one of the norms be a normal norm. now, in their call-- did i explain that? okay, good. in their call, biden also took putin to task for the computer hack of our government, and putin's treatment of russian opposition leader and guy who

just got dumped at a turtleneck fashion show, alexei navalny. navalny was poisoned, which many suspect was an assassination attempt ordered by the kremlin. yes, they suspect a guy famous for killing political opponents of trying to kill his political opponent. it's part of the new russian edition of the classic board game, "clue: putin did it." here's how they did it. reportedly, putin's assassins planted a lethal nerve agent in navalny's underpants. they tried to kill him with his tighty whities! that's what you get for wearing "fruit of the tomb." navalny returned to russia and was mmediately jailed, but that has not silenced him. right after his arrest, navalny dropped a video entitled "putin's palace," tying putin's corruption to his $1.3 billion palace. now, it sounds bad for a government official to have that kind of cash, but remember, putin saves a lot of money on shirts.

the video got almost 100 million youtube views in the first week. and it shows over-the-top features like this splendiferous theater with split-level velvet banquette box seats. that would be a tough room to play. "hey, did you hear the one about the president who was so great that everyone loved him? that's my time. please, tip your waiter, and then hunt him for sport in the morning. it's crossbows." the compound also features an elaborate hookah bar with a stage that has a rising stripper pole, a lavish casino, an outdoor greek amphitheater, and this green mound that houses an underground hockey rink with its own helipads. because you can't be traveling phheateryourivate outdoor greek subterranean hockey rink via hovercraft like some animal. but he is really "putin" on the ritz in his insane private apartments, with a massive four-poster canopy bed,

gold-coffered ceilings, and tacky gold moldings and cherub sculptures everywhere. you know what's fun? you didn't even notice that halfway through that, i just switched from showing the dictator's compound to showing our old president's apartment. but he lived by the old saying: decorate for the job you want. speaking of corrupt regimes, one former administration official is really having a tough time, because we just learned that mike pence is homeless. oh, that can't be pretty. ( as pence, busking ) "ladies and gentlemen of the "f" train, it is showtime. hit it, mother. a-5-6-7-8: our father who art in heaven, please let these people buy one of our candy bar. mother, work the pole." and scene. e probm is since pence had ee govent lodging for the last four years, the ex-veep doesn't own a house. so when the pences moved out of the vice president's residence,

they had nowhere to go. that's how all-in mike pence was with his delusional boss. he was so devoted to the lie that they had beaten biden, that he made no plans whatsoever on where to live. that's like the "titanic" getting rid of its lifeboats to have more hull space to paint the word "unsinkable!" but they're not out on the street. the pences are reportedly couch surfing their way through indiana, which is also the title of the worst beach boys album ever. when asked why he was doing this, pence had a simple answer: >> i got nowhere else to go! >> stephen: he looks really good, looks really good. letting a friendsh have secret servprpe sl you "thanks so much for your aly, stebut, sry, befoou theen yo have to be cavity but finding a place to stay shouldn't be that hard. i can think of thousands of guys who want to hang with mike pnce. right, fellas?

>> hang mike pence! hang mike pence! hang mike pence! hang mike pence! >> stephen: close enough. pence isn't the only presidential lackey having a bit of a tough time. so is mypillow founder, mike lindell, seen here inappropriately touching an employee. lindell has spent the past few months peddling debunked conspiracy theories about voter fraud, urging the last administration to impose martial law to remain in office, and having the mypillow site offer discount codes like "qanon." i guess lindell thought betraying your countrywould pay off. reminds me of when benedict arnold sold us out to the british to get 15% off a set of shake weights. last week, j.c. penney dropped mypillow, along with kohl's and bed bath & beyond. and, yesterday, twitter banned lindell. oh, that's nice-- no more fascist conspiracies to distract you from the toxic misogyny. but with mypillow in trouble, there's an opening in the market

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"the gathering is nigh," and we'll throw in a free toastinator! you'll love the way it makes toast! but you know who won't? the swarm of sentient cyber hornets who call themselves "hillary clinton." >> stephen: we've got a great show for you tonight.d representative jackie speier. stick around. ♪ ♪ ♪

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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody, back back to "a late show." let's say hello to mr. jon

>> jon: hello. >> stephen: you took the words right out of my mouth. i got a question for you. i have lost track because easter being a movable feast, when is mardi gras? are we close to mardi gras? when is it rolling around? >> jon: yeah, we're two weeks away, two weeks away, give or take a few days. and, you know, we're not going to be able to celebrate this year. >> stephen: is there going to be anything. is there going to be like-- anything? >> jon: there's nothing. everything is online. mardi gras online ( laughs ). >> stephen: how about a little mardi gras music to bring us into the next act. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: jon batiste, everybody. thank you, jon. >> stephen: he is an emmy award-winning actor, comedian, and nine-time host of the academy awards.

he now stars in the film "standing up, falling down." please welcome back to a late show, billy crystal! hello, billy! good to see you. >> good to see you, stephen. it's been so long. >> stephen: it really has, the last time we talked, i think there was an audience. >> oh, man, i miss that so much. you have the greatest audiences in my favorite theater. there two great studios, you, of course, and 8-"h." i have warm feelings for the ed sullivan theater because that's where i made my network television debut on the "howard cosell" variety show. >> stephen: i remember that, sure! i'm sorry you do. >> stephen: sure. >> i love your theater, because here's a picture, stephen, of the marquee fro >> stephen: wow! howard cosell. roy clark, chita rivera, senator kennedy, and bill crystal? who is "bill crystal"?

>> they ran out of "y"s, so i was bill for a little while. and howard cosell was the host. >> stephen: what a lineup! my god. >> there was more. there was shamu the killer whale who came live from san diego. i remember coming into rehearsal, i was so nervous, and howard was sitting in the front row talking to one of the producers, who was alan king, actually. >> stephen: wow. >> and he's yelling at him, "how can i interview a whale! it's tough enough to talk to sonny liston. i have to talk to a whale! >> stephen: how are you handling the covid, the pandemic? it's a strange time. are you okay? >> i'm fine, i'm fine. it's been a year i have not left this seat, so, basically, it's been in this room, staying safe. the other day, i was very happy to get my first dose of the

moderna vaccine. >> stephen: oh, wow, i'm jealous. >> well, don't be, i'm older than you. ( laughs ) and it was at dodger stadium where we got it. it was debra birx bobblehead night. that was fun. i got the injection and a scarf, a free scarf. >> stephen: that's nice. >> at least that was good because it was the first step to hugging my kids and my grandchildren again. and i do have a preexisting underlying condition, which is terror. so that was good that i got that. >> stephen: have you-- have you kept yourself busy? do you have indoor hobbies that you can engage in? >> oh, yeah, yeah, no, i've been doing a lot of work. plus i think i'm the world record holder for saying the word "unmute." i've been doing it constantly because i have a lot of relative bhoz try to zoom. so it's been a lot of seeing my relatives looking at me on a

zoom going... ( no audio ) unmute! uncle-- uncle chuck, unmute! so that's what i've been doing. i do "the new york times" crossword puzzle. i'm at a record pace for myself. i do it in a week now. but just the down words. i just do the down words. >> stephen: oh, interesting, interesting. i have a question for you about "the new york times" crossword puzzle. i have not had the storied career you have, but i've been doing this for a while. i still get such a thrill if somebody says, "hey, you were in the crossword." >> i was in it a couple of weeks ago. >> stephen: it's a strange thrill. >> it's very odd, because you almost feel like you're dead. ( laughing ) so i find that i work out as much as i can physically. i was a good athlete, and i keep at it. i play a lot of basketball, one on me, just alone.

because here's-- when i was in high school, i was a pretty good player. here's a card that the n.b.a. made for me-- that's my high school year boo little scab on my knee? >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> that's not from playing. i tripped in the locker room. but i kept it it for when we took the pictures so it looked like i played a lot. >> stephen: speaking of the game, obviously you're a clippers fan. >> yeah, i'm a clippers fan. and that's who i am when i play. i play all alone and, you know, when you were a kid-- because i know you're a gym rat, too. >> stephen: sure, sure. you don't get a body like this without dedication. >> when i was a kid it was always the last 10 seconds, you know, before the championship. 10 seconds. but now, you know, hey, man, i'm 72. so my 10 seconds is a little different. crystal's got the ball, 10 seconds left, he goes left, he goes, right, he goes right--

wait a second. he's wandering off. nine seconds he goes to his left, he goes to his right. eight seconds! he stops to pee! seven, six, two players have him trapped in the coroner. thee likes it they're keeping him worn. six, five-- he pees again. talk about a double dribble. he drops the ball, he can't straighten up. the buzzer goes off. that's the buzz tore remind him to take his pills. he shoot! he scores! they pick him up and carry him off the field. he grabs his neck and he'sllg wh mies is. i'm out of breath. >> stephen: this is an amazing photo. this is you at the staples center with an amazing, amazing guest next to you right here. >> oh, yeah. that was-- yeah. nht at the staples center. >> stephen: sure, everyone, everyone has the ball

( laughs ) this is one of my favorite memes because it fits. it seems perfectly natural. you're sitting the same way. >> we're sitting the same way, and he's got the mittens and the coat on, and it was 90 degrees in there. so it was perfect for a guy his age, too. >> stephen: we have to take a quick break, but when we come back, i will ask billy about some of his comedic and acting heroes. spoiler alert-- it's karl reiner. more? hmm. so what are you waiting for? captain ahab to help you find a parking spot? thar she blows! whoops! loading zone. darn it. pull hard to starboard!too! seriy? becsteady...m! steady.. oh! thunderation! to the northern lot where there be parking spaces

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playing the lead? >> he's great. his name is ben schwartz. he's a wonderful actor. >> stephen: it's you and ben schwartz in a church. what's happening here? >> we're going to a funeral. i am his dermatologist. i'm a hard-drinking, pot-smoking dermatologist, which was hard for me because i'm not a dermatologist. and they meet at this funeral. they go for different reasons. ben's character, scott, goes to, thinking his ex-girlfriend will be there. and i go thinking that my son, who i'm estranged from, will be there, and we see each other in the back of the church. >> stephen: jim. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> hey, rollins, right. rollins, hey, how are you doing? >> are you everywhere? >> i get around. what are you doing here? >> honestly, i don't even know.

wow. you killed rory. >> i didn't kill rory. >> that's why you were stressed. >> what are you doing? >> you had your hands on his shoulder right before you strangled him! >> he died of leukemia. >> are you high? >> yeah ( laughs ) >> wow. >> wow. >> stephen: now, you know me, you know i keep my finger on the pulse of the orchar buzz out there, and this thing-- this oscar buzz is humming like a refrigerator coil around you. what-- what-- who was your acting hero growing up? was there somebody you wanted to model yourself after? >> there was aot, but jack lemmon. >> stephen: of course "the apartment" the greatest of all time. >> yeah, because what i loved about mr. lemon was he could be outrageously funny "mr. roberts," "some like it hot," and then he could break your heart, "the apartment," "days of wine and roses" "save

the tiger" when i got the script, a small movie, "my name is marty," i didn't even have a last name. to me it was a jack lemmon kind of part. and there was another great actor who i really loved. his name was mikie rooney. >> stephen: of course. people forget about mikie rooney, he was, at one time, the biggest box office star in the world. >> i think seven years in a row he was number one in the "andy hardy" movies. he could do everything. he could sing. hebd dance. he could play instruments. he was an amazing talent and as he got old ethe parts got more interesting for him. and so the movie i love was "the black stallion." >> stephen: incredible, throwing it away, throwing it away. >> exactly, threw it away, threw it away. he played an aging jockey, and i got to interview him at an "evening at the academy" where they were celebrating the

50th anniversary of "it's a mad, mad, mad, mad world." and on stage was carl reiner, jonathan winters, and micky, and other people from the movie upon i introduced him. honestly, he was in a wheelchair. he was 5'1", 5'2". i introduced him. he rolled out, then got out of the chair and did an amazing time step, and then sat back down. and aforesaid we were talking, and i told him how much i loved "the black stallion." and he said, "yeah, i waited a long time for that." he said to me, "you wait around, those parts come to you. so wait. you're going to find an aging jockey role. it will happen. it will happen." so this guy marty was not a jockey, but it was a role-- it was a blessing to get a part that i could just be and not, you know, not really have to do too much. i just loved this guy. that was really good advice. because i think the longer, you

know, you're around, the more it informs your work. and then it-- i don't know, i just felt really at ease playing this guy. >> stephen: i have to ask you-- >> it's nice after all these years to just feel like, hey, i'm getting-- i'm getting it." >> stephen: you're going-- you're going to make it some day. i have faith in you. but i have to ask about carl reiner. of all that generation of comedians or comic writers or comic producers, he, to me-- i don't want to say the most admirable, but he was the one i loved the most. unfortunately, i never got a chance to meet him. i met mel but i never got to meet carl. how that man died without a kennedy center honor, i don't know. but what did he mean to you? because he was theree was. he was-- if there was a career to aspire to for me, it was his. because he did so many things. he was a great sketch player.

he was a wonderful writer, right up until the day he passed away he was still writing. he produced. created "the dick van dyke show," was hilarious in it. and when i first saw him, i was five or six years old, and he made me laugh with sid on that amazing show of shows, and later on "caesar's hour." and then when he was 98, and i was with him on his birthday, he made me laugh. and in between all that time, he made everybody laugh. and-- and-- he was an uncle to me. and mel has been the same way. that's one of the great blessings. rob is my dearest friend, and then carl and i had a whole separate, wonderful relationship where we would speak and talk and-- he was just a giant. i mean, really a giant. my favorite photograph of us together, i mean "show of shows" really made me want to be funny. i mean, there was nobody funnier on screen than sid. and look who wrote that show.

that humor was in there. mel and neil simon and later woody allen and larry gelbarton. this is a picture backstage at the very first "comic relief" that i did with robyn and whoopi and all of our fellow comedians. and we honored "show of shows." >> stephen: i got it. we see it. >> there's emma jean coke asid, me hugging sid's leg. and there's carl. the reason i'm hugging sid's leg was they did a routine that you may remember, a sketch on "this is your life," the ralph edwards "this is your life." and sid played a guy who didn't want his l told. in a and they played out uncle goopy and he can't stop crying, and every time he sees sid he cried. and he jumped on him. and sid was so strong, and he was onid sid's leg and he

dragged him around the set. i was four or five. it was bedtime, and my dad would come in from work and i would grab on his leg and he would drag me around the house and put me to bed. when i saw them and met them all for the first time i just grabbed sid's leg like that. and, you know, it was a chance to be uncle goopy. they meant everything to me. and sid, sid was a giant. and i got to talk with him several times. and when he came to see me in my show, it was the greatest, like, reversal. i mean, he was there watching me, and i was on stage, you know, really because of him. it was-- and the same with carl. it was-- i was very blessed. i was at carl's birthday, the last one he could have because of the pandemic. it was 98. and he blows out his candles and he makes a wish, and rob said, "what did you wish for, pop."

and he said, all right, trump, you're out of here." and it was so-- you know, just amazing. i've just been very blessono.ph, ksch f being here. u're-- you're the best kind of guest. you've got a lot to say, and we love hearing you say it. and i hope you know that what those people, like carl and melamine to you, you mean to an entire generation of comedians, like me, and i wish i could be there to grab your leg "standing up, falling down" is available on demand now. billy crystal, everybody! we'll be right back with congresswoman jackie speier. ♪ ♪

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♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to "a late show." my next guest has spent 12 years working for californians in the united states house of representatives. please welcome congresswoman jackie speier! o be done in washington, d.c. right now. you guys must have your hands full. the first thing i want to ask you about, one week ago today was the inauguration of our new

president. while there was no crowd, was it a joyful occasion? did you-- did you feel the import and the change of the tide? >> you know, it was a wonderful occasion, because there was a calmness that had kind of taken over the entire gathering, and there was-- there was some giddiness. there was a lot of happiness, yes, and there was joy. >> stephen: well, it's sobering to think that that inauguration took place in one of the spots on capitol hill where there was such violence and such chaos and an attempt to overturn a free and fair election. you were there at the capitol that day. what was that experience like for you, especially someone who people may not know, in 1978, you were one of the people who was attacked down in jones town

by cult members, and your boss, then-representative leo ryan, was killed. what went through your mind when you knew that people bent on violence were storming the capitol? >> i was sitting in the house gallery, and i saw the speaker being escorted out of the chamber, and she looked a little deliberate in her movements. but that's not unusual for her. and thn, the whip and majority leader were escorted out. and then i knew something was up. and shortly thereafter, a capitol police officer stood at the dais, and said, "the capitol has been breached." and we thought oh, my god. he said, "stay in your seats. we're locking all the doors of the gallery." he says, "there is a pouch under your chairs. pull it out." now, i've sat in the capitol gallery many times, and didn't know that there were pouches underneath the seats. so i pulled out the pouch,

unzipped it. there was an aluminum packet, and i tore that open, and pulled out a gas mas and then he sait put itonrtlys gallery to the other side, crouching underneath the brass railings. and we got to the other side, and then we heard the pounding on the chamber doors, and the capitol police brought a huge piece of furniture over to the doors to keep it in place, and then they drew their guns at the now-broken glass on the doors. and then we were told to get down. so i got down on the marble floor, and then i heard a shot. and i put my head down, and i remember feeling the cold marble on my cheek. and there was this sense of

resignation. here i was 42 years later in my own country, in the sacred temple of democracy, and i was fearful that we were going to lose our lives. >> stephen: we have to take a quick break. we'll be right back with more congresswoman jackie speier. detergent. t cn tide pods plus downy free. safe for sensitive skin with eczema and psoriasis. ♪ smooth driving pays off you never been in better hands allstate click or call for a quote today

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♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody. we're back with congresswoman jackie speier. you yourself in that day in 1978 were shot multiple times. i can't imagine what that feeling must have been to go through this experience again with the fear for your own life. do you see parallels between the behavior of those cult members of jim jones and these supporters of the former president who stormed the capitol? do you see any parallel in their devotion or their irrationality? >> you know, stephen a book two years ago, and went on

a book tour. and at every single speech, the very first question or the second question was that, "are there parallels between donald trump and jimed the question, i kind of recoiled from it, because i thought, no, this-- this-- you know, this really can't be that kind of a comparison. you know, jim jones took 900 of his congregation to their deaths. and, yet, when you recognize what happened on january 6, president trump told his followers to go to the capitol and fight, and that we will not take back our country with weakness. and so they stormed the capitol and broke in. and if they had guns, imagine the destruction, imagine the deaths, imagine the mayhem. as it turned out, you know, they used pipes and fire

extinguishers to kill a police officer and injurey more. and it's-- it's really indescribable when you realize that our country came that close to losing the democracy. this insurrection almost succeeded. >> stephen: what do you say to those people who say,ç "well, he didn't actually say do this exactly," much in the same way that charlie manson didn't actually commit the murders. his cult members did. what do you say to people like niki haley who think we need to, "give the man a break and move on." >> "give the man a break." tell that to the widow of the police officer who died. tell that to the thousands of people, staff members, who were the capitolis wasn by thean ins.

and to somehow just, you kno ito significant. remember, the republicans for, i don't know, three years, beat up hillary clinton because of benghazi. and yet, we're supposed to forget that we almost lost democracy two weeks after the fact? >> stephen: well, congresswoman, thank you so much for being here. stay safe, please.

late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests who gave me this sword in 2007! and new york c who gave me this gavel-- he didn't give me the gavel? okay, good night. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wg access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show, oh, oh the late late show, ooh ♪ the late late show, oh, oh