Skip to main content

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  July 22, 2021 11:35pm-12:36am PDT

11:35 pm
cbsn area. have a good night. we will see you tomo ow. captioning sponsored by cbs >> over the past several decades, the olympic village has developed a bit of a reputation. that reputation involves hundreds of thousands of condoms and a lot of people using them. >> according to a sociologist who studies sexuality, sex in the village is going to happen more than ever before. >> and it's not just the athletes gearing up. the olympic mascots are also getting in on the action.
11:36 pm
>> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, into the sick of it. plus stephen welcomes hannah einbinder and comedian alex falcone with a special appearance by zach snyder, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause )
11:37 pm
♪ >> stephen: hey! whoo! >> jon: hey! hey! >> stephen: welcome one and all, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert, and i have great news about covid 19. it's something i wish i could say. unfortunately -- on the little prompter it says covid 19 cases nearly tripled in the u.s. in the last two weeks. come on, america! for pete's sake!
11:38 pm
how many times do we have to make the same mistakes before the consequences are different? ( laughter ) this surge is especially hard on doctors. one hospital administrator described his staff this way: they are tired. they are thinking, his is deéjàa vu all over again. that, of course, is a quote by baseball great,yogi berra. reminds me of one of his other famous saying: the future ain't what it used to be, and neither are the unvaccinated. ( laughter ) ( applause ) if you're looking for a good doctor, especially an anesthesiologist in the williamsburg area of virginia, look no further than dr. ron -- >> rod. >> stephen: -- rod --annandez. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff )
11:39 pm
there you go. right there. in williamsburg, he will anesthetize you with a butter churn. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: back to our monologue already in progress. ( laughter ) most of this increase was caused by the delta variant, but that's not the only flavor of covid out there. and experts are warning: more variants are coming. oh, no. this is gonna be just like the real housewives, new variants popping up all over the country. it's only a matter of time until one of the strains releases its own line of vodka. ( laughter ) some of these new variants are already making a splash. illinois is reporting six times more gamma variant cases than
11:40 pm
delta. gamma is a variant first identified in brazil -- which makes it easy to detect. here's normal covid. and here's the brazilian. ( laughter ) now, there's no reason to worry about any of this if you're vaccinated. the scientific community agrees that the vaccines are up to the challenge of evolving variants. hear that, pandemic? we can take whatever new stuff you throw at us! do you have any idea how many new flavors of oreos we've endured? ( laughter ) candy corn, pina colada, peeps, wasabi! if you're vaccinated, you can eat a whole sleeve of any of those and probably not end up in the hospital. ( laughter ) the only thing spreading faster than covid variants, is covid misinformation. especially on social media. in response, facebook has been
11:41 pm
hunting down and removing groups that present misleading or sensationalized information about vaccines. if you're lying about the vaccine, mark zuckerberg will hunt you down. by land or by sea. facebook finds the groups using keywords, but they're having trouble because some anti-vax groups are changing their names to euphemisms like dance party in order to skirt bans from facebook. so get ready for new dance crazes like "actual saturday night fever," "the harlem ache," and "the floss, of taste & smell." ( laughter ) they don't just avoid detection with the names of the groups, they also use code in their post. for example, instead of got the vaccine, they say drank beer, danced or drank beer. references to pfizer generally use the terms pizza, moderna is referred to as moana. dancing, beer, pizza, moana.
11:42 pm
if you're going to describe something that you think is killing everybody, maybe don't use code words that you think everybody universally loves. might as well just say my sister danc wita laundry basket fl of ppies and now, i'm afraid she's given me rock hard abs. ( laughter ) and now she'reg th whole family to drink a chocolate milkshake with jason sudeikis. ( laughter ) ( applause ) in one post, a woman explained her husband had become sick after going on a cross country trip where we spent 2 nights with dancers. ( laughter ) in this case, dancers is code for vaccinated people. but now her husband has the perfect alibi for going to strip clubs. (as husband) "honey, i spent the night with two dancers and now i have chlamydia." fauci! damn you, fauci! ( cheers and applause )
11:43 pm
>> jon: hey!ouse the emic has aggravated our pre-existing condition of obscenely rich people. according to bloomberg su this is disgusting. in a time of dire need, the ultra-rich shouldn't be blowing their money on boats. that's money that could be used to launch giant penises into space. ( applause ) it's not just charters. yacht sales are also booming. some billionaires are building such big yachts, they can cost over $500 million, and are in an elite new vessel category: the gigayacht. compared to a megayacht, a giga yacht can hold a thousand times more douchebags. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) mega to giga, tera.
11:44 pm
these yachts have everything you could want and a lot you don't. one yacht had a dedicated cocaine room. i'm going to say... if you have a dedicated cocaine room, i'm guessing every room is a dedicated cocaine room. ( laughter ) it's not just the boats themselves. during their time at sea, the wealthy find ways to waste their money on other vehicles. for example, many yachts will have a chopper, come to replenish the caviar supply halfway through a trip. that must be traumatic for the fish watching from the ocean. ( laughter ) "look honey, the kids are here to visit! what? no! toast points?! ( laughter ) these yachts also keep themselves well stocked in luxury human refreshment. some big spenders fill a secondary superyacht with women, who are called day-use girlfriends. and we've found it! ( ding-ding ) the world's grossest combination
11:45 pm
of three words! jimmy, tell us what we've won. >> paralyzing nightmares about the consequences of latestage capitalism. also, a broyhill dinette set broyhill: no sex workers were employed in the manufacturing of this table. back to you, steve. >> stephen: thank you, johnny. ( applause ) >> stephen: before i get into my next story, i just want to say, keep in mind -- everyone's fine. >> i'm ok. >> stephen: today on everyone's fine. ten people were hurt in a dippin' dots factory explosion. no one was seriously injured, which is actually surprising. that stuff's like pastel buck shot. ( laughter ) and i'm being told we have footage of the explosion.
11:46 pm
wow, everyone who works at dippin dots is super hot! ( laughter ) the explosion happened when a truck was unloading liquid nitrogen, the substance used to flashfreeze dippin' dots, into the building. liquid nitrogen, of course, is the healthiest ingredient in dippin' dots. ( laughter ) now, if you thought this headline was funny, shame on you. because what's actually funny is that this is the second dippin' dots factory explosion in two years. it's like the old saying, blow up the dippin dots factory once, shame on me. blow it up twice... why did they rebuild it? nobody actually likes dippin' dots. but clearly, there's a pattern. ( applause ) but clearly, there's a pattern. someone is out to get dippin dots. why? may i remind you: dippin dots is
11:47 pm
the ice cream of the future. someone is stopping at nothing to make sure that future never comes to pass. here's my theory -- the technological dot-ification of america's strategic ice cream reserve leads to skynet and self-aware killer dessertmaking robots enslave humanity. but freedom fighters from the future are sending themselves back in time to soft-serve some justice. just connect the tiny frozen dots we already know that the only way to defeat the time-traveling killer robots is liquid nitrogen. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) that's it! >> jon: then they're done. >> stephen: case closed! need more proof? listen carefully to this famous line -- >> i'll be back... for sprinkles. >> stephen: we've got a great show for you tonight, my guestm. ( cheers and applause ) ♪
11:48 pm
start your day with crest 3d white and from mochaccinos to merlot, your smile will always be brilliant. crest 3d white brilliance. 100% stain removal, 24 hour stain resistance to lock in your whitest smile. crest. the #1 toothpaste brand in america. think wearing less makeup means no need for a wipe?
11:49 pm
think again. neutrogena® makeup remover wipes remove the 30% of makeup ordinary cleansers can leave behind. your skin will thank you. neutrogena®. for people with skin. ♪ hey, hey, hey ♪ ♪ hey, how you doing baby? ♪ ♪ you look mighty fine, ♪ ♪ i figured i might come your way and ♪ ♪ roll up on you with that golden ticket... ♪ smell irresistible. the new axe effect.
11:50 pm
i've never slept like this before. we gave new zzzquil pure zzzs restorative herbal sleep to people who were tired of being tired. what is even in this? clinically-studied plant based ingredients passion flower, valerian root, and hops. new zzzquil pure zzzs restorative herbal sleep.
11:51 pm
11:52 pm
♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! ( cheers and applause ) jon -- >> yes. >> stephen: in just a minute, jon, have you watched the show "hacks." >> jon: hannah was on our show before covid. >> stephen: exactly. one to have the star of "hacks,"
11:53 pm
hannah einbinder, is going to be on here in a moment. if you haven't seen "hacks," it's a fantastic show. i know we have to get going, but i was watching "mayor of easttown" and i'm a big gene smart fan. and then somebody said if you like that, you should watch "hacks," because jean smart is in there. i said, who's this hannah einbinder? they said, she's been on your show. >> jon: yeah, she was on the show. >> stephen: that was the only other thing she's done in television is your show. and it was like a week before we we wanted off the ware in 2020. early march of 2020, she was on the show. so i went back and watched and it was great.lized, over, i wano talk to her now because she was on the show and vpr that we recognize talent. >> jon: yes. >> stephen: she's talented, she's fantastic. >> jon: leveled up. >> stephen: she's incredible. stick around for that.
11:54 pm
are we here? where are we. >> stephen: it's like the first time i have been on television. ( laughter ) friends, every night i stand over there, carefully lighting and staging the day's most topical news stories, composing groundbreaking orchestral arrangements to support them, then meticulously choreographing them and myself in a delicate, heartbreaking, yet uplifting pas-dedeux, to present for you the epoch-defining ballet that is my monologue. but sometimes, i fish a stained velour jumpsuit out of a canal, hook a radio i ripped out of a garbage truck to an abandoned car battery, slap the dial through fuzz till it lands on a random a.m. oldies station, then shake my ass for nickels in the demented vagrant macarena of news of that is my segment: >> (echoing) meanwhile! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! there it is!
11:55 pm
( cheers and applause ) meanwhile, bad news from the tokyo games, poland has sent six swimmers home from the olympics after selecting too many by mistake. ( laughter ) turns out, upon closer review, what they thought was one swimmer was actually three swimmers in a trenchcoat ( laughter ) meanwhile, twitter is officially officiallytesting a dislike button. finally, we'll be able to find out if people on twitter hate something. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) meanwhile, at a wildwood, new jersey amusement park a seagull hit a teen in the face. still the most sanitary thing that's ever happened at an amusement park. ( laughter ) luckily, the girl, 13-year old kiley holman, wasn't hurt, and she handled it really well:
11:56 pm
>> happy birby ( screamg >> a bird flew on my face. a bird flew on my face. oh my god! i can't wait to see this video! >> stephen: good for you, kiley. she was cool as a cucumber. and i think we also have audio of the seagull. >> there's a girl on me. get if off. oh my god! i can't wait to see the video ( laughter ) meanwhile, in astronomy news, according to a new physics theory, the universe is a giant donut that we live inside. raising the philosophical question: could god create a donut so big, not even he could eat it?wer
11:57 pm
that. but if our universe is a donut, we need to know: is it glazed or sprinkled? get on it, science meanwhile netflix is planning an expansion into video games, for the purpose of helping market existing shows. that's exciting news. and i was lucky enough to get a beta version of "bridgerton:" the video game: ♪ >> look at you, you're downright flushed. >> that is what happens. >> when one is angry. >> when one burns for someone who does not feel the same. ♪ ( laughter ) >> stephen: we'll be right back with a bold new vision for the late show from director zack snyder. ♪ ( cheers and applause )
11:58 pm
pringles original, barbecue, pizza. the barbecue pizza stack. (cheers) where is everyone? pringles, endless flavors to stack. this is what freedom sounds like. ahhh, enjoy 30 days of open-road freshness. febreze car. la, la, la, la, la people everywhere living with type 2 diabetes are waking up to what's possible with rybelsus®. ♪ you are my sunshine ♪ ♪ my only sunshine... ♪ rybelsus® works differently than any other diabetes pill to lower blood sugar in all 3 of these ways... increases insulin when you need it... decreases sugar... and slows food. the majority of people taking rybelsus® lowered their blood sugar and reached an a1c of less than 7.
11:59 pm
people taking rybelsus® lost up to 8 pounds. rybelsus® isn't for peopl with type 1 diabetes. don't take rybelsus® if you or your family ever had medullary thyroid cancer, or have multiple endocrin ndro type f allergo stopybnd rwa ever had medullary thyroid cancer, p or sweing yr ne f allergo sse schain,orn alic ever had medullary thyroid cancer, ncinatitis p or sweing yr ne ll yr providerbout vision problems or changes taking rybelsus® with a sulfonylurea or insulin increases low blood sugar risk. side effects like nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea may lead to dehydration, which may worsen kidney problems. wake up to what's possibl with rybelsus®. ♪ please don't take my sunshine away ♪ you may pay as little as $10 per prescription. ask your healthcare provider about rybelsus® today.
12:00 am
♪ ♪ return to rugged. the all-new ruggedly redesigned 2022 nissan pathfinder. ♪ it's dry. there's no dry time. makes us wonder why we booked fifteen second ad slots. itchy? there scratchy?time. family not getting clean? get charmin ultra strong. it just cleans better, so your family can use less. hello clean bottom! enjoy the go with charmin.
12:01 am
12:02 am
( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, welcome back. you know, folks, even when i was all alone in a storage room on the 8th floor, i'd like to think we did some pretty good shows. in fact, there were a lot of things we broadcast over those 15 lonely months, after which i'd say, man, i really wish i could show that to a live audience. well, i recently acquired a live audience. ( cheers and applause )
12:03 am
and it's my damn show. ( laughter ) so, tonight, i'm gonna show you one. you might remember that a couple months ago, zack snyder agreed to guest direct an episode of the late show. snyder is, of course, best known for making giant blockbusters like, "justice league," "army of the dead," and "300." so i was excited when he wanted to bring his cinematic vision to the late show. e auence -- afirst time in front behind-the-scenes look at the late show: the snyder cut. jim? ♪ ♪ ♪ >> as a director, i like a challenge. that's why i spent my whole career tackling the big genres. i'm always looking to grow as an artist. so when my agent asked me if i wanted to direct an episode of "the late show," i immediately said yes. i love car pool karaoke. and he said, "no, it's the one before that." and i was like okay. >> stephen: we were so excited
12:04 am
that zack signed on to the project. he has this genius for visual storytelling from the dark, gritty look of "watchman" to "justice league's" gritty dark look. he can do it all. and most importantly, zack loves our show. he loves what we do. he just had a few minor suggestions. >> everything had to change-- i mean everything-- starting with the set. so drab. that's why i work with my c.g.i. team to create a fully digital environment that would allow for complete creative freedom. we started with a blank canvas and then pixel by pixel with a crew of about 400 animators working 18-hour days we envisioned a "late night" set unlike anything anyone had ever seen before. i mean, unrecognizable. >> stephen: the total digital environment, it's all about freedom. this desk i'm at right here is $80 million more than my actual desk, but it can instantly
12:05 am
transform into anything. >> i mean, it's just going to stay a desk. but, the potential to be anything is what great cinema is all about. >> stephen: hey! welcome to "a late show." >> cut! okay. >> stephen: di-- >> all right, no, no. take it one more time. >> stephen: please. >> keep in mind, your family it trapped under an overturned tank. the treads are spinning inches from their face. zombie hordes are attacking, closing in. you're desperate. you're angry. you're hungry for revenge. you're also just hungry. ready? action. >> stephen: welcome to "a late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. tonight-- >> cut! that's the one. all right, print it or... i guess it's digital. so don't print it, but we've got it, right? >> stephen: when it comes to traditional zack snyder leads obviously you expect them to be carved, cut, shredded hunks,
12:06 am
gods among mortals. so i was flattered when zack signed on, because i'm more of a... >> dweeb. stephen's weak. he fills out his clothes like lentils fill out a sandwich bag. that wasn't going to fly. so we got him an elite, hollywood personal trainer. and after weeks of intense workouts... the results were unbelievable. >> i've never seen anyone make less progress! >> i think he actually lost muscle mass. >> stephen: what can i say? i love oyster crackers. and before you say that these are empty calories, they're not! because i fell them all with m&ms. >> when it came to stephen's monologues i wanted to give the real zack snyder fans what they
12:07 am
have been demanding for year-- another zack snyder slow-motion shot. the problem is monologues are so static, slow motion needed action. i had an idea-- throw a knife at stephen. >> stephen: if the infrastructure bill passes, this will be the very first time in the last... he did not mention the knife-throwing part. >> look, directing is all about keeping your talent out of their comfort zone. >> stephen: lost a lot of blood. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> then i needed to overhaul the band, jon batiste and stay human. i have been working a lot with zombie makeup for my new netflix movie "army of the dead." i started wondering: what if stay human didn't. >> jon: oh, yes, zack snyder let me do the show the way i always wanted-- as a member of the undead. >> stephen: obviously it's a
12:08 am
free country. but you could be vaccinated or unvaccinated -- oh! fish sticks! >> cut! cut! you're not a zombie. no! no! no! >> stephen: lost-- lost a lot of blood that day. day. >> jon: oh, delicious! 10 out of 10 pops. ( muffled ) >> so i decided all the interviews should have a subtle reference to the alternate future shown in my version of "justice league." see if you can spot it. it's very subtle. > stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back! you know my first guest tonight from his work at arkham asylum. please welcome to "a late show," the joker. thank you for agreeing to show up at the last minute after jason bateman canceled. >> batman. >> stephen: no, bateman, jon batiste ate him.
12:09 am
>> you need me. you... need me. >> stephen: exactly, thanks for being here. so what projects are you working on? what's on your mind? >> i often wonder how many dead eyes can you look into? before you die inside yourself? >> stephen: well, i've interviewed ted cruz and rand paul, and i seem to be doing okay. ( laughing ) i understand you're a bit of a prankster on set. the whole episode is 16 hours and 47 minutes. and that's just the beginning of the extend "late show" snyder-verse. we're talking spin-offs, animated specials, theme park rides. suck is, warner brothers! suck it. >> wow, his words, not mine. but, yeah, suck it, warnerbrot. show" snyder cut." line: i'torha
12:10 am
>> hey, stephen, think fast! >> stephen: he's genius! were we rolling? (rainstorm) >> available now on paramount+. a mountain of "suck it, warner brothers." (thunder) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you again to zack snyder and to zombie jon batiste. we'll be right back with "hacks" star, hannah einbinder. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) new upgraded axe body wash. ♪ ♪ keeps you clean and smelling refreshed for 12 hours. ♪ ♪
12:11 am
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i've been telling everyone... ♪ the secret to great teeth is having healthy gums. crest advanced gum restore. detoxifies below the gumline... and restores by helping heal gums in as little as 7 days. crest. the #1 toothpaste brand in america. whoa, susan!
12:12 am
ohhh... i'm looking for coupon codes. well, capital one shopping instantly searches for available coupon codes and automatically applies them. save me some cheddar! capital one shopping. it's kinda genius. what's in your wallet? [jungle music] here we go. ♪ ♪ so i'd like to know where you got the notion ♪ ♪ to rock the boat don't rock the boat, baby ♪ ♪ rock the boat don't tip the boat over ♪ ♪ rock the boat don't rock the boat, baby ♪ ♪ rock the boat ♪ see disney's jungle cruise. it's time to rock the boat, america. ♪ [ sneezing ] are your sneezes putting your friends in awkward positions? stick with zyrtec. zyrtec starts working hard at hour one... ...and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. zyrtec. muddle no more. the airport can be a real challenge for new homeowners
12:13 am
who have become their parents... okay, everybody, let's do a ticket check. paper tickets. we're off to a horrible start. ...but we can overcome it. we're not gonna point out our houses, landmarks, or major highways during takeoff. don't buy anything. i packed so many delicious snacks. -they're -- -nope. would you say, ballpark, when group two is gonna get boarded? 2 hours and 58 minutes. progressive can't protect you from becoming your parents, but we can protect your home and auto when you bundle with us. someone should've left home earlier.
12:14 am
12:15 am
( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome bac eersnd applause ) my first guest is an actor and stand-up comedian who is emmy-nominated for her role as ava daniels in hacks. >> you're a lesbian? um, not sure you can ask me that. >> oh, what, someone's going to show up and arrest me? >> since you're my employer, it is illegal. but if you're genuinely curious, i used to only hook up with men, but when i mast baited, i thought about bell women. when i was in college i thought of phoebe and i realized i culd connect emotionally with women
12:16 am
which led to deeper sexual experiences, but sometimes i still need penetrative sex with ( bleep ). maybe i was just conditioned to the porn fed to me by the algorithm. so, any, way, i'm bi. >> jeez, i was just wondering why you were dressed like rachel maddow's mechanic. >> stephen: please welcome to "the late show," hannah einbinder! ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it's so nice to meet you. i said this to jon earlier, but i wanted to repeat this, that i had seen the mayor of beast town and saw "hacks" and i'm loving
12:17 am
it but thought who is hannah einbinder? how come i don't know who this person is? and my staff says, she's been on your show. so you pre-taped this actual set. so here you are, this is you ju weeks before the entire country shut down. >> i was just a boy then. >> stephen: yes. ( laughter ) and now you've had your hollywood bar mitzvah. you have your own tv show. so what was the night like? what was the actual doing the show? >> oh, my god it was in a word fabulous. i walked in through the back door. i think there was a bit of a mist or maybe a fog. i heard, like, a wolf's cry. sinatra was on. >> stephen: sure. and i went into the dressing room, classy day cor, sort of a west elm, sort of your restoration hardware. >> stephen: sure. gorgeous. there was a gorgeous gift bag. >> stephen: oh, good. great stuff? >> great pair of socks in there. i want to say one thing about the socks, they hug the foot
12:18 am
just so. you know when you put on a pair of socks and, you know, you just get that grip right around the center and you feel like you might hear a whisper of a male voice saying, i'm proud of you, son -- ( laughter ) -- it's that type of support. it's a good pair of socks. i wore them down to -- i mean, there's now a hole. it's a good thing i'm back because i need another pair. >> stephen: can we get her another pair of socks? okay, we'll work on that. okay. so moments after you did that set, the entire country shut down and, in that time, you landed this fantastic show, "hacks." how did that come about? no one was working. how did you get this gig? >> yeah, i was sitting at my desk, you know, which at the time as an unemployed comedian was just my bed -- ( laughter ) -- and i got an email, and the character description was for a
12:19 am
25-year-old bisexual comedy writer who had recently lost her job. ( laughter ) and i'm -- ( laughter ) -- i'm going, is it there? can i find it? you know, where -- >> stephen: you love a challenge. yeah. was there an audition process? because we were not allowed to be near each other at this point. was it over zoom? how did you to the audition? >> the callback was over zoom, and then we did a screen test, jean and i, and i was terrified because jean smart is a god, and i'm a mere mortal, and she called me actually the night before, and she just said, you know, i saw your set on "the late show" with stephen colbert, and she's, like, i think you're
12:20 am
great. i know it's going to be a little weird with the covid protocol, but i just want you to know we're going to have a good time and good luck and have fun. >> stephen: what's the dynamic? she's such an accomplished and gifted actress and so funny in her own right, what was the dynamic like between you two? >> oh, my god we're always firing jokes off, like ava and debra in that way. i remember we were shooting an episode seven, there is a kiss and we were shooting the kiss scene between the two of us and she immediately is coming to work ready to do a full bit. she's wearing a white satin robe and she has brought a cigarette, but she's, you know, walking and sauntering in and pretending the smoke. and, of course, my character is dressed in a tank top and sweat pants, truly looking like a hungover italian man. ( laughter ) so the dynamic is right on.
12:21 am
and we're doing double takes, and our director desiree was, like, i feel like we got it. and i was, like, no, i feel like we've got to do a couple more guys. i think we've got to run it back, joel. i think your focus was off. and she's, like, oh, you stop! and the next day, she kind of got me back. she came in, and i was on set in the morning and i was having my coffee, and jean walked in and without missing a beat just looked at me and went -- huh, no flowers. interesting. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: well, congratulations on your emmy nomination, first of many i have no doubt. ( cheers and applause ) you're so great in this, and i wanted to, you know, give you a little toast right there. here's a little champagne. cheers.
12:22 am
congratulations and good luck. i'll see you out there. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: oh, and do enjoy this beautiful pair of socks. ( cheers and applause ) going to be great. cheers. season one of "hacks" is available to stream right now on hbo max. hannah einbinder, everybody! we'll be right back with comedian alex falcone! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ when you really need to sleep you reach for the really good stuff. new zzzquil ultra helps you sleep better and longer when you need it most. it's non habit forming and powered by the makers of nyquil. new zzzquil ultra. when you really really need to sleep. like many people with moderate to severe ulcerative colitis or crohn's disease, i was there. be right back. but my symptoms were keeping me from where i needed to be.
12:23 am
so i talked to my doctor and learned humira is the #1 prescribed biologic for people with uc or crohn's disease. and humira helps people achieve remission that can last, so you can experience few or no symptoms. humira can lower your ability to fight infections. serious and sometimes fatal infections, including tuberculosis, and cancers, uding lymphoma,ve happened, fatal infections, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. be there for you and them. ask your gastroenterologist about humira. with humira, remission is possible. [ perm by bruno mars ] ♪ it's my birthday ♪ ask your gastroenterologist about humira. ♪ no, it's not ♪ ♪ but i still look good though ♪ ♪ hot comb hot ♪ ♪ i bet you want an autograph ♪ ♪ for you and your friends ♪ with lower prices and great deals, make target your first stop back to school.
12:24 am
we do it every night. do it. run your dishwasher with cascade platinum to save water & energy. certified dishwashers use less than 4 gallons of water per cycle. and you can also save up to $130 dollars per year on your energy bill. cascade platinum
12:25 am
12:26 am
♪ ( cheers and applause ) it's dry. there's no dry time. makes us wonder why we booked fifteen second ad slots.
12:27 am
don't settle for products that give you a sort of white smile. try new crest whitening emulsions there's no dry time. for 100% whiter teeth. its highly active peroxide droplets swipe on in seconds. better. faster. 100% whiter teeth. for people who are a little intense about hydration. neutrogena® hydro boost lightweight. fragrance-free. 48 hour hydration. for that healthy skin glow. neutrogena®. for people with skin.
12:28 am
this guy here is busy working on our state's recovery. you see he lives in california and by vacationing in california he's supporting our businesses and communities. which means every fruity skewer is like another sweet nail in the rebuilding of our economy.
12:29 am
hammer away craftsman. calling all californians. keep your vacation here and help our state get back to work. and please travel responsibly. >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! ladies and gentlemen, our next guest -- ( cheers and applause ) my next guest is here to make his network television debut. please welcome alex falcone! >> thank you!
12:30 am
wow! so good to see all of you. i'll tell you guys ate willle bit about myself. i have a little girl at home. that's a weird way to phrase that. my wife is short. that was misleading. yeah, i have a petite adult woman at home. lkt lotecause that's the onling i've got on her, she has a masters degree and i have peanut butter cups above the fridge sh she doesn't know about. she's supportive. i chipped a tooth eating pie too aggressively. sometimes i don't take the fork out of my mouth before chewing. i live on the edge. i chip my tooth. i'm whimpering. my wife comes in, what happened big guy, because i'm very tall. what happened? i tell her the whole story, pie, fork, living on the edge. and no hesitation, she says, oh, yeah, pie can be tricky.
12:31 am
( laughter ) we have been together since we were 19 years old, which is kind of a while. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. yeah. it's our entire adult lives, with i is a fun way to do it which means we don't have to worry about jealousy because neither of us learned how to talk to other people. so we're not a threat. at this point, my wife thinks about me cheating on her the way she thinks about our neighbor's dog stealing her bank password. she would be hurt, but totally impressed. ( laughter ) you did that?! who taught you how to do that?! oh, i can't stay mad at you. he thinks he's people. ( laughter ) i was in austin, texas, recently, eating a taco for breakfast because it's crazy down there. the taco was so delicious, i felt i was emotionally involved with the taco. so i took a picture, send it to
12:32 am
my wife wife along with the caption "i'm sorry, i met someone new." just an awesome joke and i know she's going to love it. several hours go by, i haven't heard back. so i check in. when i open the app, the next message sent fine but the photograph of the taco did not send! ( audience reacts ) ( laughter ) so what i've done, is sent my favorite person in the world a very casual early-morning breakfast breakup text and the end gone radio silent. and this is why i recommend, be with someone who doesn't think you're physically capable of cheating on them because she told me earlier it didn't occur to her for a second that was real. ( laughter ) this is her whole experience -- i'm leaving you for another woman. and she's like -- nope. ( laughter ) we took a while before we got engaged, we didn't rush into it. my uncle said, dude, why buy the
12:33 am
cow if you're already getting the milk for free? and i was like -- love! here's how you ca tell i love her, rick, i never refer to her as "the cow." that's a giveaway. yeah. also, you have been divorced three times, rick, maybe you're not -- [ clicks tongue ). a rancher. also sometimes in america the cattle have better health. it's very complicated. some guy said he'd been friend zone, was very upset. it's such an entitled term. i pretended to be nice with this lady and she didn't immediately sleep with me so i'm the victim of a huge injosesties. not how it works. i put in three compliments,
12:34 am
where does the sex come out? ( laughter ) also, you just made a friend, you monster! like, who's mad about getting a free friend? i'm an adult, i haven't made a friend on accident since third grade. if any of you friend to friend zone me tonight, i would be up for it. let's get brunch and play board games and go on a road trip and develop an inside joke and be there for each other when it meartsz and have a better version of thanksgiving without our families there. let's friend zone, new york! thank you very much! >> stephen: he's taping his debut comedy album at helium club in portland, oregon on september 15 alex falcone,
12:35 am
i'm morgan, and there's more to me than hiv. more love, more adventure, more community. but with my hiv treatment, there's not more medicines in my pill. i talked to my doctor and switched to fewer medicines with dovato. dovato is for some adults who are starting hiv-1 treatment or replacing their current hiv-1 regimen. with just 2 medicines in 1 pill, dovato is as effective as a 3-drug regimen... to help you reach and stay undetectable. research shows people who take hiv treatment as prescribed and get to and stay undetectable can no longer transmit hiv through sex. don't take dovato if you're allergic to its ingredients or if you take dofetilide. taking dovato with dofetilide can cause serious or life-threatening side effects. hepatitis b can become harder to treat while on dovato. don't stop dovato without talking to your doctor, as your hepatitis b may worsen or become life-threatening.
12:36 am
serious or life-threatening side effects can occur, including allergic reactions, lactic acid buildup, and liver problems. if you have a rash and other symptoms of an allergic reaction, stop dovato and get medical help right away. tell your doctor if you have kidney or liver problems, or if you are, may be, or plan to be pregnant. dovato may harm your unborn baby. use effective birth control while on dovato. do not breastfeed while taking dovato. most common side effects are headache, nausea, diarrhea, trouble sleeping, tiredness, and anxiety. so much goes into who i am. hiv medicine is one part of it. ask your doctor about dovato-i did. ♪ [hippo groans melodically] [iguana belts major 3rd] [gator reverb] [splash] [singing indri sings] [elephant trumpets] [buffalo punish timpani] [cassowary crescendo]
12:37 am
♪ [goat does a sick vibrato] ♪ >> stephen: that's it for the late show. good night, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show-oh-oh ♪ the late late show, ooh ♪ the late late show-oh-oh ♪ the late late show it's the late late show ♪
12:38 am
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on