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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  August 16, 2021 11:35pm-12:35am PDT

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>> good night captioning sponsored by cbs >> according to eye report, some anti-vaxxers think that their pure semen will sky rock net value and become the next bitcoin, they believe that as the vaccinated population eventually crumbles the unvaccinated will have to repop late the planet making their sperm a valuable commodity, this despite numerous studies showing the vaccine is safe for men and does not affect sperm production or quality. >> are you looking for 100% anti-vacs man seed then visit gary's man seed emporium today and get hi bottom price, how do i do it, i can't really say on television but rest assure it is completely
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vaccinefree, not only have i refused medical breakthrough but i only produce the formula using antiscience porn. flat earth round butt, five g spot, pizza gate delivery guys and of course-- two girls want conspiracy. top by the man seed emporium today where i always make my premium the old-fashioned way, by hand. >> it's the late show with stephen colbert. stephen welcomes dr. jon lapook and comedian fumi abe featuring jon batiste and stay human.anw verothe ed sullivan theater in new york city it's stephen colbert! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: hey.
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hey. (applause) good to see you. good to see you. (applause) please v a seat, everybody, thank you very much. very kind. >> stephen: welcome to "the late show," i'm stephen colbert. (applause) you know, folks every night i come out here and do a monologue. this is one of those nights. let's rip the bandaid off. the taliban have taken over afghanistan. the u.s. has been there for 20 years, we spent 2 trillion dollars, we trained a 300,000 strong afghan army, and the taliban took it over in 10 days. the country is in complete chaos. yesterday, the streets of kabul
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were jammed with cars trying to get out of the city, people flooded the airports trying to get a plane out of the country, and here's a military helicopter evacuating from kabul, which has been compared to this photo of the embassy at siagon being evacuated and of the helicopter evacuating from kabul: not a flattering comparison. you never want to see this review: the food was excellent and the line up to the salad bar was like the fall of saigon. 4 stars. but that comparison was rejected by secretary of state and man who looks like he's watching cnn right now, antony blinken. blinken weakly said this, on this week: >> this is manifestly not saigon. >> stephen: true. in saigon, they speak vietnamese. now, contrary to everything they've ever done or said, the taliban have promised that this time they're going to respect women's rights, but the crack down has already started. at a bank in kandahar, armed taliban gunmen forced women working there to leave the bank,
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and told them male relatives could take their place. that's awful. also, not good hiring practice. (as doctor) mr wilson, unfortunately, as a woman, i cannot perform your open-heart surgery today. but you will be rehands with my cousin dylan. he's not a doctor, but he does have a penis. (applause) because he's the president, president biden's getting a lot of criticism. here's abc's martha raddatz: >> you also had a really massive intelligence failure here that the u.s. did not realize how quickly the taliban could take over. >> massive intelligence failure. >> stephen: it's gotta sting when people describe your foreign policy the same way they'd describe ron desantis.
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the white house tried to get ahead of the bad press by releasing this photo of biden in a virtual meeting with top security officials. but all people could talk about was the fact that the clock has the wrong times for london and moscow sparking conspiracy that the pic was staged. come on, people. let's not nitpick. the only clock that matters is the one in afghanistan, and it's just been reset to the thirteenth century. plus, if it was staged, would they have put him completely alone at the conference table? apparently there's also been a rapid withdrawal from joe biden. he looks like the only grandpa in the dayroom watching jeopardy. can we get a closer look at who he's talking to? okay there's kamala harris, the cia, and, j.f.k.? makes sense yneedice onandling a complete airport meltdown, look no further than j.f.k..
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the cinnabon in terminal 2? like the fall of saigon. it's hard to argue that the white house didn't shank the withdrawal. take a look at biden from july 8th. >> the likelihood there's going to be the taliban overrunning everything and owning the whole country is highly unlikely. >> stephen: wow. that's the most inaccurate prediction from a president since abe lincoln said, "see you after the play." (laughter). >> stephen: too soon? too soon? >> jon: too soon, too soon. >> stephen: it soon republicans were quick to point the finger. including the former president who called on biden to 'resign in disgrace' over afghanistan.
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pretty weird to blame biden for withdrawing troops, when this summer, he was claiming credit for it: >> i started the process, all the troops are coming back home, they couldn't stop the pss. 21 years is enough. don't we think? they couldn't stop the process, they wanted to, but it was very tough to stop the process. >> stephen: yes, they wanted to, but they couldn't stop the process. also, how he describes the birth of eric. dad it's your little quagmire it's too late to withdraw from me. the former president is right about one thing. his policies are equally responsible for the taliban's takeover. after all, he reduced our troop presence from 15,000 to 2,500.
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with the taliban. he didn't even include the afghan government. then, he went back and convinced the afghan government to release 5,000 taliban prisoners, many of whom are currently fighting in kabul, while also agreeing to pull all troops by may 1. so you can't put all the blame for a debacle you helped set the stage for. that's like andrew lloyd webber calling cats a terrible movie. you wrote a musical with no plot how did you think this was going to end? this afternoon, in the face of mounting criticism, president biden returned to the white house from camp david. has camp david been overrun by the taliban? not yet? little victories. in the speech, biden pointed out that our afghan allies did not show the will to fight: >> afghanistan political leaders
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gave up and fled the country. the afghan military collapsed, sometime without trying to fight. if anything, the developments of the past week reinforced that ending us military involvement in afghanistan now was the right decision. american troops cannot and should not be fighting in a war and dying in a war that afghan forces are not willing to fight for themselves. >> stephen: he's right. we have had troops there for 20 years, they fought, they sacrificed, their families sacrificed, so that we wouldn't have a terrorist attack planned in a foreign country. why should our soldiers be fighting radicals in a civil war in afghanistan? we've got our own on capitol hill. (applause)
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then biden pointed out the u.s. did everything we could for the afghans: >> we gave them every tool they could need. we paid their salaries, provide for the maintenance of their air we dwaif them every chance to determine their own future. what we could not provide them was the will to fight for that future. >> stephen: just a thought, maybe we should have checked with the afghan army if they had the will 'before' we gave them the tools and weapons? because now the taliban has the will 'and' the weapons, and the former afghan army soldiers are home rubbing miracle grow on their face to try to squeeze out a beard. by dawn. in the end, biden argued that whenever we pulled out, the taliban would take over. >> events we're seeing now are sadly proof no amount of military force would ever deliver a stable, united secure afghanistan known in histories
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the graveyard of empires. what's happening now could just as easily happen five years ago or 15 years in the future. >> stephen: yes. we've been there for 20 years. 4 administrations. the first two, one republican, one democrat, said we must stay in afghanistan. the last two, one republican and one democrat, said nah, it's time to go. and the american people agreed. both times. as recently as last month, an overwhelming majority of americans - 70% or more - supported biden's withdrawal. 70% you know how few things 70% of americans agree on? i think this, and extra cheese. which also often ends badly. and faster than you planned. so, going in? bipartisan. leaving? bipartisan. or maybe non-partisan, because
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for the last 10 years no one has wanted to talk about afghanistan. what we do every night, is to talk about whatever the national kferlings was on the daily basis jim, play the sizzle reel of all the times i've talked about afghanistan on the late show: (low wind and rustling branches) >> stephen: so what's happening now is the responsibility of both parties, and the american people who voted them into office. so, children and convicts, you're off the hook. also, thanks for watching. and maybe biden's right. maybe there was no good alternative. were we never supposed to leave? make afghanistan the 51st state? they'd have better covid numbers than florida. plaws plaws so
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so you can make us accept that there was no good alternative. but you can't make us feel good about it. the only people who can feel good about this are the service members and their families who aren't gonna see soldiers sent into harm's way for no reason that the commander in chief of either party can artculate. but there is one more thing: for the last 20 years, 4 separate administrations told us to care about the plight of all the afghan people. especially the women. and we did. that's not going to change. all that's changed is that there's nothing we can do about it now. so, pulling out may be the right thing to do, but it's heartbreaking, it's humbling when the right thing feels so wrong. we've got a great show for you tonight, my guest is cbs chief medical correspondent dr jon lapook. but when we come back, we're gonna lighten things up with
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♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. let's give it up for jon batiste, stay human. thank you jon, delightful.
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coming up in just a minute, jon, you know who is the greatest medical esent on drn la. we've had he's on again tonight. what i like about it t it is nos that he has got a funny name, lapook. >> jon: st a come doe show. >> stephen: it doesn't take anything away from his accomplishments or intelligence or anything like that but when you talk about a heavy subject like covid, every time you say dr. lapook, it say little funny, just a little funny, that helps. >> jon: easy icebreaker. >> stephen: balances things out. folks >> stephen: here in the states, we're dealing with our own shockingly fast surge. experts are now saying that due to the delta variant, the fourth wave of covid-19 in the u.s. could be worse than the third. are you sure there's not more i could talk about in afghanistan?
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all right, this covid news comes from director of the national institutes of health and infectious disease prop comic, francis collins. yesterday, collins broke down just how bad it could get: >> i will be surprised if we don't cross 200,000 cases a day in the next couple of weeks and that's heartbreaking considering we never thought we would be back in that space again. >> stephen: no. we can't go back to that space again, or else i'll have to go back to 'this' space again. if i'm going there, all of you are coming with me i'll fit you in even if it means i have to chop you into cubes and stack you like lego, i will not be alone again. delta is taking a huge toll on the unvaccinated-- a group that includes children and people acting like children. and the rest of us are starting to get pissed off.
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in a new cbs/you gov/me tarzan poll, among californians who've gotten their shots, 59% say the unvaccinated are putting people like me at risk, while 47% say the unvaccinated make me upset or angry. upset or angry? why choose? those are two great flavors that go great together. like peanut butter and whiskey. it's been a long pandemic. because of the delta surge, starting today, new york city is requiring proof of vaccination for indoor dining, gyms, and entertainment. i'm so happy i'm vaccinated -- for two of those three. if my gym asks, i'm scared of bill gates. if you're in the city and want to attend a premiere cultural institution, like, let's say, the ed sullivan theater, you can
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(cheers and applause) simply , show your vaccination card. and they will check to make sure it's real-- it's gotta have the c.d.c. logo and be be too big fr wallet. and it's important cuz fake vaccine i.d.s are out there. over the weekend, federal agents seized thousands of fake covid vaccination cards destined for locations across the u.s.. they became suspicious when they noticed the forms had errors, including misspellings, unfinished words and incorrect spanish translations. so do not trust any card that claims to show: "porf of varxination agint el now, anti-vaxers have all kinds of stupid reasons they oppose getting their shots. but maybe the stupidest is that they think their 'pure' semen will skyrocket in value. i guess that spam email was telling the truth: you really can make tons of money from home.
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it should be noted that studies have definitively shown that getting vaccinated does not, in fact, affect sperm quality or count. but some covid truthers have claimed that the vaccine causes mass male infertility and that all males who have been vaccinated are effectively sterile. sounds fishy, but i will point out, they vaccinated people over 75 first, and ever since, none of them have had kids. with quality sperm supposedly hard to find, anti-vaxers think unvaccinated sperm will be the next bitcoin. so, for the first time ever, you can invest in a "spank bank." we'll be right back with cbs chief medical correspondent dr jon lapook. (applause) ♪ [band plays] ♪
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plawses (applause) lay, everybody >> stephen: welcome back. my first guest is a physician and professor of medicine at n.y.u. langone who serves as chief medical correspondent for cbs news. please welcome back to the late show, dr jon lapook (applause) >> wow. >> stephen: doctor, it's good to see you again. though i was hoping to never see
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you again, in a professional capacity. >> and good day to you, sir. >> stephen: exactly. well, you have been great. you have been great to talk to over the last 17 month now, 17, 18 month of covid. you have come on the show many times. this is the first time we have ever actually-- we have never spoken in person, have we. >> well, one time. >> stephen: over the phone? >> one time for two seconds at cbs news where i'm chief medical correspondent you were up there with katie couric and we came by and i said hy, you said hy. >> stephen: hy. so you have been great over the last year and a half. basically giving us the straight dope on what is happening and what the best practices are. i kind of thought i had everything compartmentalized in my head. i'm feeling confused now. in that regard i think i'm not uncommon. you said at one point this covid will have a beginning, middle and end. where are we in that process? is this the end of the
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beginning, the beginning of the end or the middle of the middle? >> so first of all we are a lot better off than we were a year ago. i think what happened in the last year, we have this astonishingly effective and safe vaccine. we have therapeutics. we have the remdesivir, mono clonal antibodies, we now know so much more thanks to the scientists, bless them, about how tho protect ourselves through ventilation and filtration. remember a year ago we were talking about if you were six feet or more from somebody you would be face, now the aerosol scientists said no, no, viruses can float across the room and aerosols and can build up if there is not good ventilation. you have to think abit like significant red smoke. if you were inside without a mask and somebody was smoking 15 feet away, could you smell it, yeah, so then the virus can get to you. and then we learned about masks. lots of stuffeddees, they are tough to do perfectly but we know that they have concluded
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that masks are effective. the better the mask, the more effective, and finally testing. a year ago we didn't have enough tests, we still don't really have enough test but we have home testing, we have to implement those more. beginning of may everything looked great, my knees it t had a wedding that was indoors with 143 people and nobody was masked and everybody was vaccinated and we thought okay, we're out of the woods and all of a sudden, not so fast. and the not so fast was because of two things. one is delta. back in may delta was 1 percent of the number of cases. >> stephen: i remember when we first started talking about it. >> yeah. and now it is more than 90%. one of these variant, and much more dangerous, a thousand times the concentration of virus in the nose. >> stephen: more dangerous in that it sphreds faster or that if you are getting it tu are more likely to be seriously ill if not vaccinated. >> great question, because st probably both. >> stephen: that is all i do,
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baby. >> i will try to give you fair to midland answers. >> definitely more con tabling toss. it turns out that the original the alpha strain, the last o infect fiveerson could infecn people. so that is a bi.n: but then whey get it are you more likely to be seriously ill is the question. >> yes. it looks like there is some evidence from other countries that you probably are actually, you have the ability to be more severely ill. >> stephen: because it reproduces faster. >> we don't really know exactly why that is. >> stephen: i hear a lot about a bigger viral load. >> there is a bigger viral load. we talked about a thousand time more virus in the nose. it is able to infect people more viciously. but the question is once you are infected do you get sicker. and it looks like you probably do get sicker, you have the double whammy of that and now another thing, which is the second of the double whammy of new things that we weren't expecting to be so bad. which is we not only have covid but we have an epidemic of
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misnrvetion-- misinformation and disinformation and the two of those have come together and they have knocked us for a loop and so yes, we're a lot better than we were a year ago but we're not where we should be be. >> stephen: okay. so that misinformation and disinformation, how is that best combated. you know how to defeat covid if everybody did it. stay away from each other if are you not vaccinated, get the vaccine, as soon as it is available to you. but what is the inoculation against the fear and misinformation. >> especially talk about the importance of vaksz nation, if you look at a map of the united states it looks on fire, right, for orange and red, and the areas where it is the hottest, most on fire are the areas with the lowest vaccination rates it is not magic. so i think the way that we need to do t who knows, right, there will be a lot of dimp approaches including going to community areas not just the head of the nih but people in the local communities and par you weres and doctors and trusted people,
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there is all that. but in addition, i think that we have to have more empathy as we're trying to change people's mind. this is what i mean. i think of the people out there who are not getting vaccinated or pushing back against the masks, they are a bunch of people are you never going to change their mind, no way. okay. so they are over here. i do think there are a bunch of people who can change their mind if you talk to them the right way. and i think we come into these conversations coiled. they are coiled and we're coiled. and we strike. so we need to get the back, uncoil and start off not by talking but by listening. so i will give you a specific example. hi somebody i was talking to said i don't want my daughter who is under 12 wearing a mask to school. instead of launching too this whole explanation of why she is wrong. i said what are your concerned. she said i have three concerns. one is it is is uncomfortable for her. i said okay, that is actually a resonable concern. the second is i want her to be
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able to-- since she was five or six i want her to be able to read body language and facial expressions, just from the nose up it st hard. >> okay, that is reasonable. and the third she said is i heard that if you wear the mask, carbon dioxide builds up in the blood stream and you can really get sick from that. okay, that is factually incorrect t st scientifically incorrect, no way. and she said oh. and then we were having a conversation, instead of just yelling at each other. you like water, i like clean water. i like clean water. and we're suddenly talking. >> stephen: we have to take a break but stick around, we'll be right back with more dr. jon lapook, everybody. (cheers and applause) ♪ sc johnson people everywhere living with type 2 diabetes
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kids love visiting kidifornia. but parents like it to, like a lot. they go bonkers. (wuaahh) totally boom it's an adventure. (sound of playing)
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you know ,you have to keep an eye on them. you got to let them explore and figure things out for themselves. so hurry up (screams) they're not gonna stay this way forever. kick off your kidifornia vacation at >> stephen: hey, everybody, we're back with cbs chief medical correspondent dr. jon lapook. for the vaccinated swi everybody in this building, should they freak out about delta? about getting it, how it will affect them? >> so they should be concerned but they should not freak out. and i will tell you a story, everybody is worried about breakthrough ictions, if yoeen vainated suddenly you are learning that there are breakthrough infections. think about t tharmo 160 millioe vaccinated. so if the vaccine were 95% effective at preventing clinical illness, you know, symptoms,
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that is still five percent of more than 160 million. that is going to more than 800 million who will get breakthrough infections, so the question is what happens to them? and we know from the outbreak in provincetown where people who were vaccinated got these breakthrough infections, i just spoke to the cdc and here are the latest numbers about that. we're closing in on almost a thousand people who were infected from that epidemic in, from that outbreak in provincetown. most of them were vaccinated. of those 7 hospitalizations, 0 deaths. so what is happening-- (applause). >> stephen: so less than one h en >> ex breakthroughs, it doesn't work, this is proof that it work, most people getting the break through infectionh so get seriously ill, there are a relatively small number of death, most people do quite well. so these vaccines work it is just not even up for debate.
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>> stephen: the cdc has recommended a third dose, a booster for the immunocompromised, i think the very he would lear-- elderly at this point. i'm not entirely sure. when for the rest of us, when am i ifing to go in or should i be going in now to cbs and going give me a shot, just give me a shot. is that coming? >> i can give you some news because the fda just texted me right before i came on. and they said that pfizer has actually, is in the process of submitting a phase one like a first phase submission for the booster shots so it could be that in the. >> yeah. >> look at that phrase, that is good to know, but i thought you were going to give me some news that the fda had given final approval for the vaccines because i have friends and loved ones who are like i'm waiting for that full fda approval. what would you say to those people and when is that coming? >> okay. so they did not wave me off
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saying that it could be by the end of august or certainly by the beginning of september. i think by thmetithl we'lsee sa te hi. >> what about for children under 12. >> for children under 12 same thing. >> that's good news within the next two to three weeks, full approval. perhaps a month after that. >> sometime in the fall, early fall for children. >> for children, i think sometime around then, undempathn it domes to masks and everything else. i am-- i started something called the empathy project at nyu langone health and it is t medical students, and to empower patients to demand that.
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and i think-- right? >> so an i have been talking to my students about how to-- because people are angry. fraents are angry, my traite. >> stephen: wehe pt cafornia, ca are y abouwho ally don't think you're going to change people's minds by attackingment you won't. and there are going to be those people you wownt change their mind but the people who you can get bthrough empathy, what are probls, don't start off by f thk phen: ank doce havee dr. jon lapook, everybodcomean .
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hugh, welcome back, everybody. ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a writer for "the late late show" and stand-up comedian making his network televi d ease wcome, fumi abe. thank you, thank you so much. oh my god, okay, stop it it so good to be here. my name is fumi t is a japanese name but i actually tbreu up in the midwest, i'm from ohio and is it is not a very diverse place, growing up had a strange conversations with my classmates. >> one time i asked this girl out and she was like listen, don't take this personally but i'm just not in asian guys and i remember i was sitting there but dude, i am lit reallily the only asian guy you know, like this feels extremely personal.
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what are you talking about right now. she just kept going, i don't know, you tbies are so short, kind of skinny, name are always like fumi, that is me. are you des sample size of one,a bitch. i know coronavirus was very scary for a long time. i remember when it it was first started it twation especially scary for asian americans, every time trump said chieny virus there was violence against asian people. things got so bad in new york the attorney general created a hotline for asian people to call and report a crime, right. and i feel this is a great idea, but i can tell there is no money behind this project because i tried calling the other day and i swear to god it was like hello, thank you for calling. paraes panyiol, prima doings. dude, dude, i was like who the hell is this for. okay. like can i report this, this is the crimeu ily. like are you telling me somebody
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is calling being like ola. mixer llamo angela change, people keep asking me to go back to mi casa, nobody talks like that, you know. crazy. i think dating has been difficult over the pandemic because really because we-- i think that is why a lot of people have been trying a little bit of sext. i was talking to a girl on one of the apps, things were getting kind of hot and she asked me to stend her a nude, okay, she wanted to see a naked picture of pie body. and okay, please stop laughing. that's-- okay. i was reviewing it, and i realized something, i realized the way you review a nude in your 30s, i'm 31 now, is very different than in your 20, in your 20s you take a body mawking your body cute and-- or
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whatever. but i'm 3 1-rbgs looking at my nude and my first thought was my apartment is a mess and-- yeah. yeah, i was just like cleaning for 45 minutes, you know. just vacuuming in the nude, you know. i was cleaning for so long that this girl actually teched back she is like hey, just checking in. she followed up like it's a work email. she was like hey, just circling back on this penis pdf. we're going to need that for the all-hands meeting. so if you can get that by eod that would be amazing. thank you. but i learned something very important during this transaction. i learned that women in their 30s when they ask a tbie for the nude they don't care what their body looks like, they are actually just trying to figure out what kind of apartment you live in. yes, too t to make sure you have your life together, right.
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and that is why i took my nude next to my in unit washing and drying machine, yes. yeah. i was like it is a samsung, look at, that don't look down here, look at the brand. look at the brand. it is all about showing your assets in your 30s. like for example i have a backyard, that say huge deal in new york city so i took one out there, check out my abs, also i grow my own chiefs. look at this, wow. wow, wow. everything changes in your 30s. like for example thinking about the older you get, the sadder your drunk texts get. you have ever thought about this. because i remember in college all my drunk texts were really fun. i remember it was always like hey, megan, you up? but last night it was like hey, mom, was i a good son? so you know, nobody wants to
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hang out with that guy, you know. that guy has go to therapy and it is a whole thing, so anyways, i did catch up on a lot of tv during the quarantine, my i finished this series called insecure, a great show. if you don't know what it st all you have to understand for the joke is it a popular show and one of the things you are known for is a cast predominantly black and minority actors so if you don't watch it, you are the problem. and i was with my friend and as we were saying good-bye, okay see you later fumi, by the way, i don't know if you watch insecure but there is this really hot asian tbie on this current season, you should check him out. and i was like who taught you how to stay good-bye, okay? like a y sious right now. like this is the way are you going to leave social situations, you can imagine what would happen if she went to a quinser in', good-bye, be sure to watch coco, so many mexicans, that is-- that is like the
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rudest way to say good-bye to anybody, right, but at the time i was very serious, i'm all about remtionz. i get out, i type in asian tbie, look he it google image results only seeing pictures of skinny weird asian dudes what shaping there is no way this is the hot guy she was talking about. gi back one page, looking on my phone and i realize i forgot to type in hpo so i just typed in insecure asian guy. yeah. i just did like a general search on the internet for asian dudes with no confidence, okay. yeah, i was confused i. i was like why is it just me on here. what is happening. thank you so much, my name is fumi. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: you can hear more on his weekly comedy podcast
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i'm morgan, and there's more to me than hiv. more love, more adventure, more community. but with my hiv treatment, there's not more medicines in my pill. i talked to my doctor and switched to fewer medicines with dovato. dovato is for some adults who are starting hiv-1 treatment or replacing their current hiv-1 regimen. with just 2 medicines in 1 pill, dovato is as effective as a 3-drug regimen...
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so much goes into who i am. hiv medicine is one part of it. ask your doctor about dovato-i did. ♪ srs that's it for the late show, everybody, tune in tomorrow when my guest will be cnn correspondent clarissa ward from kabul and amanda pete. good flight-- . captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show-o-o ♪ the late late show! woo! ♪ the late late show-o-o t


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