colbert is next. >> it is going to captioning sponsored by cbs >> in mental health, the "wall street journal" found internal slides showing executives knew instagram makes teen girls feel badly about themselves and did nothing about it. one slide saying we make body image worse for one in three teen girls. yet the company continued without changes. ( cheers and applause ) >> hey, everyone. welcome to our all-hands staff meeting. today, we are going to talk about data that suggests our app instagram sets unrealistic and unhealthy expectations for teenagers. i've decided that what we should do about this is absolutely nothing. ( cheers and applause ) the fact is there's always going to be content from unattainably sexy people that makes others feel inferior, like me riding on

a hover surfboard with an american flag. ( cheers and applause ) or me looking fly in my sunscreen. ( cheers and applause ) who wouldn't be driven mad with insecurity after seeing me eating toast, just like people do. ( cheers and applause ) because i care about people. that's why i'm here, with all of you real people, in person, in this real place! anyways, great to see you! >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, deja q. plus stephen welcomes melissa mccarthy, and musical guest lindsey buckingham, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and, now, live on tape from the

ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: good to see you. ( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! please, have a seat, everybody. welcome -- welcome to "the late show," one and all. i am your host stephen colbert. ladies and gentlemen -- ( cheers and applause ) -- tonight in washington, d.c., the city is on high alert. the national guard has been called out, barricades have been reinstalled in front of the capitol, liberty is girding her loins, and they popped a condom on the washington monument.

everyone's worried because up to 700 people are expected to attend saturday's justice for j-6 rally in support of those who rioted at the us capitol on january 6th. yeah. yeah. yeah. ( booing ) you were a little late with that. you were a little late. ( laughter ) folks, do we really need to go through this again? >> audience: no! >> stephen: it reminds me of the famous quote "those who fail to learn from history will be at this rally." ( cheers and applause ) but i'm all for justice for the people who attacked the capitol on january 6th. have they locked up the main guy who started the whole thing yet? his name's on the tip of my tongue... ...and it tastes terrible.

( cheers and applause ) at first, i thought this rally was some kind of sting operation, like when they offer super bowl tickets to very stupid fugitives. ( laughter ) hi, i was told i could meet tom brady annnnnd i'm being handcuffed. can i at least meet gronk? ( laughter ) democrats have been advised to leave town, no republican members of congress have said they're going. the rally is even being skipped by former president "sweeny fraud." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) reportedly, he views the planned protest as a setup that the news media will use against him regardless of the outcome. yep, he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. point is, he can go to hell. ( cheers and applause )

but now we have a new president, and he's making news. yesterday, joe biden held a national security event and was joined virtually by british, australian p.m.s. of course, in australia, because of the time difference, the p.m. is technically the a.m.. ( laughter ) this is an important one... the purpose of the national security zoom call was to announce a trilateral security partnership with britain and australia. in it, the u.s. announced it would share its nuclear-powered submarine technology with australia as part of a new defense partnership. that's a big change in foreign policy. the last president would never share a sub, or really any sandwich. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) ( applause ) prison style. australia really needs this. because they have some real

problems with their old submarine technology. take a look. ( pinging sound ) >> stephen: it's just poor planning is what that is. ( applause ) this alliance announcement is really big. it's the first time since 1958 that we're sharing our nuclear sub secrets. china is upset and says we're facing a new cold war, but the takeaway from this historic meeting is that biden appeared to forget the australian prime minister's name: thank you, boris, and -- and i want to thank that fellow down under. thank you very much, pal. appreciate it, mister prime minister. >> stephen: thank you, pal. this guy. thank you so much.

thank you, pal. mr. prime minister, chief, big guy, crocodile dundee. koala kid, ol' platypus pete. "man from the land down under, where the beer does flow and men chunder." you're my kangaroo jack, jack. i'm your little joey. throw me in your pouch, and let's go get a bloomin' onion. let's build back outback better i'm kiddin' around. i'm not kiddin' around about kiddin' around. ( laughter ) crikey! ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) you guys are a cheap date. i like it. some are calling this the blunder from down under. so far, just me. and it's pretty dumb. i mean, we all know the name of australian prime minister:

mr. incorrect pass code. ( laughter ) well, that's the news from down under, here in the up over, the space race has been heating up, inspiring billionaires everywhere to build their own giant fire-penis. ( laughter ) but now average joes are gettin' in on the game, and i'll tell you all about it in our latest installment of (echoing) >> space news! civilians in space edition! >> what's the wifi password? >> stphen: last night, aerospace company spacex made history by launching the first all-civilian crew to orbit the earth. meaning, there were no professional astronauts on board. houston we have a problem, but i have no idea what the problem is, since i own a chain of laundromats. i have already cleaned the lint trap. i'm gonna try puttin' in more quarters.

( laughter ) ( piano riff ) ( applause ) >> jon: i got you, i got you. >> stephen: the mission is called inspiration 4, and its fearless civilian leader is billionaire c.e.o. and college roommate who's just going to stick around while you guys make out, jared isaacman. isaacman bought this flight because he hopes to raise $200 million for kids with cancer. it's a noble goal, but when you're a billionaire, you can pretty much say any of your fancy hobbies are for charity. (as pompous rich guy) sex party at my place, it's for affordable housing. after that, we're going to shoot the last living white rhino for mesothelioma. ( laughter ) ( applause ) here's a look at last night's launch. since this crew is all civilians, the space capsule is operated completely autonomously. but that didn't stop the passengers from having fun with the touchscreens. (as space-goer)

okay, looks like we have "i am legend" and one episode from season 2 of "lois and clark." i'm gonna order a snack-box. unlike bezos and richard branson's rockets, the inspiration 4 crew isn't just popping into space for a few minutes. it'll be a three-day journey in orbit, circling the earth every 90 minutes. three days wasn't the original plan, but parking on earth is really tough right now. somebody put up some cones or something. ( laughter ) some of the money will be raised by auctioning off items the crew is taking into orbit. like a ukulele that one of the passengers will play aboard the spacecraft. so it's three days trapped in a confined space with the guy who pulls out the ukulele at a party. ( applause )

in space no one can you hear you scream, "put that (bleep) ukulele away." ( laughter ) hard-hitting joke. back on earth, the covid vaccine has been preventing serious outbreaks for months, but that hasn't stopped conspiracy theorists from coming up with their own quacktastic covid cures. i'll tell you the latest in tonight's edition of disinformation station! the vaccine'll give your ovaries 5g! >> stephen: good to know. the latest nonsense covid treatment making the rounds on facebook claims that, the coronavirus can be killed by inhaling onion fumes and eating onions. ok, that won't cure covid, but it will make you an absolute nightmare for the person testing you. ok, just pull down your mask, and... oh dear god i didn't know a tongue could have b.o.. it's not just eating. the same posts also claim that

mply placing onions around your house can ward off the virus. and if you add garlic, you can ward off vampires that have the virus. ( laughter ) another fake covid cure making the rounds: anti-vaxxers are gargling the antiseptic betadine, which is typically used to kill bacteria in wounds and is occasionally used as a douche. ( audience reacts ) you hear that, dummies? it's supposed to be used as a douche not by a douche. ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) good to know. it's just good to know. unfortunately, this cure-none has become so popular that betadine has had to add a page to their website responding to questions like can i use betadine products to kill the coronavirus? or to prevent or treat covid 19? the answer -- no. ( laughter ) yeah, i don't think that's going to stop antivaxxers. (as dumb guy) babe, the website says no.

call the feed store. we're going to have to use horse douche. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) so, we've had hydroxychloroquine, ivermectin, and now onions and betadine. at this point, we should just get ahead of the curve and announce what will not treatcod: witch hazel tide pods pepto bismol pepto bismol up the butt licking batteries doing jumping jacks snorting dorito dust two turntables and a microphone hush puppies one turntable and a microphone, expired zima really aspicy a-meatballs saying "candyman" in a mirror five times or getting bangs. ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight, my guest is melissa mccarthy. but when we come back, "meanwhile." ♪

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because when you're on a real vacation together where you don't have to think about anything, you can finally enjoy everything. come aboard a medallionclass cruise with princess plus. visit princess.com or call 1-800-princess. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! ( cheers and applause )

♪ >> jon: yeah, yeah! >> stephen: jon, look what we've got coming up here. who i'm talking to in just a minute is i have the wonderful, talented, emmy nominated oscar winner melissa mccarthy is going to be here tonight. everybody loves her in a very special way. she's here in a way we've never interviewed a guest before. stick around, you will want to see that. jon, you're going to the emmys, right? >> jon: yes, i'm going out there. >> stephen: i'm going to be out there. do you want to hang at all? you can't bring a date because of covid. not even all the nominees can go. evie can't come even though she's technically my co-host. >> jon: oh, man. >> stephen: sad story. i like to bring the audience down in the middle. that's my goal, just to bum everybody out. >> jon: we'll hang out. >> stephen: we'll hang out? >> jon: yeah, for old time's sake.

>> stephen: sounds good. haven't seen you in a couple of hours! >> jon: right >> stephen: y'know, i spend most of my time sourcing the day's finest hong-joe silk news stories, mounting them on the most topical, premium, polyhedral bamboo joke frame, decorating it with artisanal ash ink, inserting a hand-poured beeswax candle, filling it with intention and setting it aloft on the updraft of audience laughter in the spectacular chinese lantern festival that is my monologue. but sometimes, i go visit my buddy, barracuda at the abandoned mall, drop a couple hundos on some wet roman candles, bent sparklers smuggled in from the philippines, and a flare gun stolen from an crashed coast guard boat, then set it all off in the deranged, unregulated fireworks accident of news that is my segment: "meanwhile!" ( cheers and applause ) always makes me feel good. always, always, always happy to do this. this is happy, antidepressant.

>> stephen: meanwhile a 37-year-old italian pastry chef, is building his own version of middle-earth, to abandon modern life and is living as a hobbit. come on, man -- a 37-year-old being that obsessed with tolken? and playing dress up to feel a part of middle earth is a little sad. that kind of behavior is only appropriate for a 57-year-old man. the chef is nicolas gentile seen here wearing the same new balances frodo famously wore in the battle of mount footlocker. and gentile is committed. he bought a piece of land in the countryside, where he and his wife started building their personal shire. wow, he has a wife. ( laughter ) ♪ he got a wife ♪ meanwhile, crocs has announced they will be changing their clogs' ingredients to be biobased by 2022. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah. yeah.

( applause ) a great move, because currently, each individual croc is whittled from a block of polonium 210. ( laughter ) meanwhile, there are still major obstacles to colonizing the red planet, among them being that martian soil doesn't contain the right stuff to make building materials. but don't worry, there may be a solution, because scientists are suggesting we build a mars base out of astronaut blood. i'm guessing those scientists are not astronauts. this innovative idea comes from lead researcher dr. acula. ( laughter ) ( applause ) why blood? fans of dr. acula here. ( applause ) why blood, you're asking? well, researchers say that it's possible to use a special protein found in human blood as an in vivo binder to create a kind of martian soil concrete that can be used to build, or 3d print, entire buildings. i notice they're not being super

specific about how they're gonna harvest enough astronaut blood to 3-d print entire buildings. welcome to your first day on mars. here's the key to your room. but first, why dontcha just hop on in to the ol' disem-blood-inator. afterwards you'll get a juice box and a lorna doone. and it's not just blood. scientists explain that you can also whip up martian concrete with: urine, sweat or even tears. and if you're struggling to collect enough astronaut tears, try telling them you're gonna make buildings out of their blood. ( laughter ) ( applause ) meanwhile -- ( cheers and applause ) why, what's wrong with you? meanwhile... philip morris international has taken control of an asthma inhaler maker after securing nearly 75% of inhaler-maker vectura's shares, making it the majority shareholder.

the worst conflict of interest since epipen was bought by mr. peanut. ( laughter ) ( applause ) this life-saving medication now available honey roasted. meanwhile, cnn has done a deep dive into how, and how often, to wash towels. according to experts, bath towels should be washed every three to five uses. or, for you college students, whenever you hear the towel whispering (whispers) kill me. we'll be right back with melissa mccarthy. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) [ominous sounds]

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yeah? oh, yeah! there are many ways to say it... sí. yes. ...but when you find the best bargains ever at ross, you'll say yes for less! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. folks, i am so happy to be back here in the ed sullivan theater where i can have in-person guests again. ( cheers and applause ) but there are still times when someone i really want to talk with isn't able to be here in new york, which was the case with tonight's guest, melissa mccarthy. fortunately, "the late show" has been developing a revolutionary new technology that allows me and a guest to transport ourselves to the astral plane so

that we can be in the same location at the same time. it works like this: a high-intensity ray of light, tears our bodies apart at the cellular level, then beams us into a virtual environment where we are grafted back together atom-by-atom. it's pretty cool. but you also have to have really good wi-fi. it's still in it's trial phase, but melissa has agreed to test it out with me tonight, so here we go: she is a two-time emmy-winner and academy award nominee you know from "gilmore girls," "bridesmaids," and "can you ever forgive me?" her new film is called "the starling." >> i thought maybe we could go up to the lake again when you get home, you know, for the fourth. >> sure. that's fun, right? yeah, it will be just like it was, like it never happened. >> i didn't say that. noy. but that is why i'm here, isn't it? i'm just supposed to go back to

being my good old self so we can go on with our lives. >> it's just going to take time. you think time will make us okay? >> i'm not saying that. i'm just saying we can't stay here like this. this is not good. >> i know, but i don't know how i fit anymore. >> stephen: jim, transfer me to melissa mccarthy. ( space sounds ) >> stephen: good lord. where's melissa? ( strange sounds ) ( melissa groaning ) >> that was odd. >> stephen: blissa, thank you so much for being with me today. >> thanks for bringing me in. >> stephen: lovely to see you again. >> you, too. oh, yes! >> stephen: down, down, down.

oh, aaahhh! yes! >> stephen: there you go. o good to see you, too. >> stephen: good to see ya. well, melissa, let's make this a little more comfortable. that's nice. that's lovely. >> wow. >> stephen: that's lovely. that is calming. >> stephen: you're always so lovely to talk to, you know, partly because you're you and you're wonderful, but you've got the nice dlan, you're from the -- the nice dna, you're from the midwest. >> i grew up on a corn and soybean farm. >> stephen: you also spent time in chicago. >> once i hit high school, to my dad's horror, he was, like, i moved you out to a remote farm to keep you out of chicago, because he grew up on the south side, and he goes, it's a moth to a flame! because i went -- i started -- >> what did he say?

like, moth to a flame! i can't keep you out of the city! i said what am i going to do in plainfield? so we would go downtown and i started dressing gothic. there was medusa's, which is a bar we went to every weekend. >> i went there. did you dance on the scaffolding? >> stephen: no, but i went to gay disco night at berlins. everybody who went there went there on that night because it was a fun night. the gay people had to find outnight. >> berlin may be my favorite bar. i don't remember how it happened. there might have been a few drinks involved, but i do remember i was on this pedestal dancing and two drag queens took off one of myersi ill dressed, but they put on kind of a sundress and redressed me.

and i was, like, this is it. now i'm living. >> stephen: how old were you when this was happening? >> 1/6, 17. >> stephen: so you had to have a fake i.d. ( laughter ) where did you get yours? >> my sister was going to get a fake i.d. and being the loving sister i said if you don't take me with you i'll tell mom and dad. >> stephen: that's what younger sisters do is snitch. who was the vendor? >> i'm pretty sure we went to uoi circle campus, which is in chicago, the one in champagne, and we went into some weird like dorm room and this guy had made a huge scale thing of an illinois driver's license, and then you just stood behind it. so that your name and everything was huge, but when he took the picture and shrunk it down, it

looked really good. it was not illinois, it was ohio, to throw people off. >> stephen: no way a cop in illinois would ever recognize an ohio drivers license. >> ohio's was bigger or smaller than an average driver's license and they didn't make ate right size, so they set up a whole racket to counterfeit things and nobody was, what are the overall dimensions? nobody bothered. the first time i went to an ohio bar, the guy was, like, are you kidding? i said, yeah, it's not really my size. he said what's your sign? i said, i'm not into signs. and he said get out of here before i call the cops. i said, can i have the card back? he said no. i went out the alley and crawled

over the fence to the beer garden. >> stephen: you had a goth face? >> yeah, from 16 or 17 to 19. >> stephen: but you seem so clearly for someone who had a goth phase. >> if i kept my mouth shut i would look very menacing. i looked like i was going to murder somebody and the second this started working, i lost all credibility. >> stephen: we have to take a quick break, but stick around. back with more melissa mccarthy. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ wow, that's a low price. wow, that's a low price. huh. that is a low price. what's a low price?

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(music) ♪ so i think to myself ♪ ♪ oh what a wonderful world ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody. we're back here in virtual paradise with melissa mccarthy. you're starring in the new movie called "the starling," and what is this about? are you the starling? >> i'm not, no, but i'm looking forward to playing a bird at some point. ( laughter ) this is -- it's a really lovely story. ted malfy who i did sz st. vincent with, he directed

it, and it's, you know, a complicated kind of heartbreaking hopeful story about marriage and love and loss and kind of you have to fight for the life you want, and chris o'dowd is in it with me and kevin kline. it's a lovely story. i'm trying to get my life back together and there's a bird in my yard that keeps attacking me. this bird literally becomes my nemesis, then we kind of have parallel lives. it's really lovely and in the end very hopeful. >> stephen: the character has to battle this bird that keeps swooping at lily? >> yeah, coming at me. >> stephen: did they have a tennis ball on a stick because i understand it's a c.g.i. bird. >> it is a c.g.i. bird. a lot of times it was too high up to put anything, so ted would tell me where it was.

he started without telling me, so it was a pretty emotional scene, and i'm looking up a at this bird and you hear ted standing over the monitor going -- ( cawing ) and i was, like, what the hell is that, head ted? and he said, i'm trying to help you by doing the bird. and there was no warning, we laughed so hard. then as we went along, weirdly, i was, like, okay, can you do the bird thing again? then i needed it. but we have all this weird video footage of ted being like -- ( cawing ) >> stephen: is that what starlings sound like is this. >> he looked it up. >> stephen: they're little birds, aren't they? >> not if you ask ted malfy. >> stephen: your co-star chris o'dowd was also in "bridesmaids." we've got a little photo here. there you are together.

>> look at that. >> stephen: along with wilson phillips there. >> as they should be. >> stephen: yeah. it's ten years since the movie came out. i'll throw this to you. >> oh, yeah, throw it over. oh, yeah! got it! >> stephen: there you go. look at that! >> stephen: ten years later, is there something that we don't know about the making of that movie? >> well, many things. there was -- well, so many -- like so many of us had been friends for a long time, already. i'm always about three to four years late with technology. >> stephen: okay. o, truly -- like right now i would be, like, have you guys heard of facebook? i'm, like, i still write letters. >> stephen: sure. but i had just -- this was ten years ago. i was, like, do you know who there's an app that can make you

old or can make you into a guy? the one that's been around for three years. it was brand-new to me, so i constantly was making us all into men, especially older men. when we were out on the water in the last scene before wilson phillips comes on, we were trapped on there because we were on little med stalls in water. i can't name names, but i would say more than two and less than five of us were laughing so hard that we may or may not have wet or pants. so that's a fun fact that's never been told. >> stephen: in a taffeta dress? >> yeah. you say that as if that's odd. i only go to the bathroom in taffeta. >> stephen: very absorbent. the wicking properties of taffeta are not as well known as they should be. >> stephen: when we get back,

i'll ask missa about her brief and exciting baseball career. # +*z

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melissa mccarthy. you have gotten so many accolades. two emmys, two oscar nominations. that nub a heady evening, the oscar nomination. >> it's wild. >> stephen: most impressively, you now have an official tops baseball trading card. >> i do? >> stephen: es. you have a tops baseball card. we got this on ebay. how much was this? it was 1.50. >> that's good. ka-ching. >> stephen: how did you get on a baseball card? what's the story? >> that was from when i threw a pitch out for the l.a. dodgers, and i was there and bryan wilson, the pitcher, with the -- >> stephen: the leader of the beach boys, bryan wilson? >> and a pitcher for the l.a.

dodgers. >> stephen: mental, locked in his basement by his father? >> and a hell of a pitcher. ( laughter ) he was there and has a gigantic beard and keeps it crazy, crazy black like he's just dumped it into ink at all times. and when you're with him, because it's so jarring to look at, i think he's trying to psych people out, at least that's my thing. he's very stoic and didn't say a lot. but i've which once in a while, ben and i were standing there, and he said just so you know, however your pitch goes affects the entire game to have the season and especially for my family. i would wait for him to stop talking. he was so funny. he kept saying weird things. isaid, you're giving me advice. he said, i'm telling you, you will destroy my family. and then this guy who was built

like a mack truck, said, turn on that tomato, avocado. and i said, pwee, you're built like a tank. he'd go, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: my brother collects top trading cards. would you sign this? very well done. very professionally done. >> there we go, guys. if you want to see a picture of me in pretty harsh lighting -- >> stephen: i believe that's called sunlight. ( laughter ) that's great. thank you. thank you so much. >> i thought i could keep it. >> stephen: melissa, so lovely to talk to you. thank you so much. >> thank you! >> stephen: starling starling is in theaters september 17 and on netflix 1e79 24th. melissa mccarthy, everybody. we'll be right back. ♪ ( cheers and applause )

>> before we get to the next segment. we haven't been able to figure out if this show is broadcast in trade, but if nicki minaj's cousin's friend or his fianceeés watching we want to hear your story. >> hey, kids. if you like vaccine skepticism, head to the fox news gag gift shop to purchase a wacky live grenade, real gun. the fox news gag gift shop, who said killing your audience can't be fun? ♪

>> stephen: our musical guest is the writer, producer, and performer of some of the biggest fleetwood mac hits. performing " on the wrong side" from his self-titled album, lindsey buckingham! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ every now and then i fall ♪ every now and then i rise when my back's against the wall it's just sometimes i compromise

♪ living life in overload that's the way it's always been ♪ but this world is getting old living life just for the win i'm out of pity, i'm out of time ♪ another city, another crime i'm on the wrong side ♪ waitin' for the night to come waitin' for the moon to rise wondering just what have i done ♪ that i never realized ♪ time is rolling down the road ♪ love goes riding in a hearse we were young and now we're old ♪ who can tell me which is worse

i'm out of pity, i'm out of time ♪ another city, another crime ♪ i'm on the wrong side ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm out of pity, i'm out of time ♪ another city, another crime

♪ i'm on the wrong side ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm on the wrong side ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: lindsey buckingham, everybody. that's it for the late show. james corden is next. goodnight. ( cheers and applause ) that was fantastic. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show-oh-oh the late late show! woo! ♪ the late late show-oh-ho! the late late show! oh! oh!