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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 15, 2021 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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the late show with stephen colbert is next. have a wonderful safe weekend. we will see you captioning sponsored by cbs >> the capitol hearing, so many have circled on their calendars. general mark milley answering questions under oath. he'll be asked about his actions in the last days of the trump presidency. >> including calls to his chinese counterparts to assure them the united states was not planning an attack. some republicans have accused milley of treason. >> he needs to resign, and if he won't resign, he needs to be fired. >> that's treason, and i would think, i've had so many calls today saying that's treason. >> the late show is proud to present general milley's opening statement. ( rap beats ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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>> i look forward to your questions, and thank you, chairman, for the extra time. >> announcer: it's the "late show" with stephen colbert. tonight: default in our stars! plus, stephen welcomes: drew carey and phoebe robinson featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york
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city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: a sight for sore eyes. you've got to rehearse. hey! >> audience: ( chanting ) stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: hello. hello. hello. hello. hey, everybody. welcome to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. and i just-- ( applause ) i just want to say: don't panic. everything is going to be fine. the government is not collapsing... until thursday. ( laughter ) because last night, senate
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republicans sank democrats' plans to fund the government and raise the debt ceiling. and i understand that the debt ceiling is not the sexiest topic-- that, as ever, is matthew mcconaughey. ( laughter ) but if this doesn't get resolved by thursday night, the federal government will officially close as of 12:01 a.m. on friday. ( booing ) do you know what that means? do you have any idea what that means? that means no security guards working at the smithsonian. it's time for the biggest heist in history. i'm stealing lincoln's hat! nicholas cage, call me. legend has it it's filled with caramel corn. but-- ( piano riff ) the shutdown isn't really bad news. not the baddest of the bad news. that would be the debt ceiling. you see, after the vote, congress got a stern letter from treasury secretary and drama teacher at hogwarts, janet yellen. yellen warned that if the congress doesn't take action, the u.s. will default on its debts by october 18.
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that is going to ruin the sacred month of rocktober! how are we going to fund getting the led out... of the drinking water? ( laughter ) the united states has never defaulted on its debt in its entire history. and there's a good reason for that. a default would be financial armageddon. it's complete craziness to even contemplate the idea. interest rates would spike. the value of the u.s. dollar would decline. the cost of auto and home loans would rise. the united states could plunge into an immediate recession. there would be cascading job losses, a near-freeze in credit markets, and gross domestic product taking a tangible hit that could last for multiple quarters. multiple quarters, by the way, would also be all the money our country has left. ( laughter ) we would have enough to do one load of laundry, but then we gotta hang dry. so what's the hold-up? well, surprise, it's senate minority leader and the great goblin for the hobbit-- not sure
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if you're booing for mcconnell or the goblin. they're both bald guys. mcconnell got every single republican in the senate to oppose raising the debt ceiling because he believes that democrats should have to raise it with no republican votes and justified that by saying this: >> bipartisanship is not a light switch-- a light switch that democrats get to flip on when they need to borrow money and switch off when they want to spend money. >> stephen: ( as mcconnell ) "yes, bipartisanship is not a light switch. it's a peloton bike. ( laughter ) we talk a lot about having it, but we never actually turn it on. it does make a nice coat rack." ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) but there is a plan "b" for the debt ceiling. house speaker, nancy pelosi, says democrats are discussing their options, including minting
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a $1 trillion coin. oh, good, because if there's one thing people never lose, it's coins. ( laughter ) just to be safe, why not also mint some trillion-dollar airpods? ( laughter ) now, i hear you asking, "what the huh-- coin?" this trillion-dollar coin idea was first floated by legal experts during the obama presidency, citing a "strange federal law giving the u.s. treasury secretary the power to issue platinum coins of any value she wishes." now we know what obama meant when he talked about change. ( laughter ) speaking-- thank you. really? really? >> jon: that's right on. >> stephen: wow. what an honor. what an honor to get a rim shot from the jazz cowboy. speaking of ex-potuses, we're getting some new details about the white house under former president coupthulu. ( laughter ) it's all in another bombshell tell-all, this one from former
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white house press secretary and woman with resting death mask face, stephanie grisham. grisham never held a press conference during her entire term as press secretary, but she's spilling the tea on d.j.t. in her new book, "i'll take your questions now." a little late. reminds me of that "titanic" crew member tell-all: "i'll look out for icebergs now." ( laughter and applause ) grisham-- ( applause ) they will be missed. so sad. so sad. grisham writes about putin's attempts to manipulate the ex-prez. at one meeting, putin's translator was a very attractive brunette woman, and u.s. officials suspected she had been selected by putin specifically to distract our president. ( laughter ) and i'm being told we have a picture of that translator. there you go. there you go. good looking. good looking! ( applause ) dealing with the president's moods was a full-time job.
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in fact, there was an unnamed white house official known as the "music man," designated to play him his favorite show tunes, including "memory" from "cats," to pull him from the brink of rage. ( laughter ) and if they wanted to drive him to the brink of rage, they would show him the movie "cats." and remember in 2019, when the then-president unexpectedly went to walter reed medical center but nobody knew why? well, according to grisham, the president went for a colonoscopy. well, sure, with this president, they had to film it in imax. but, of course, when it came to his b-hole, the president had to be an a-hole. he was so reluctant to hand over powers of the presidency to vice president mike pence that he underwent the colonoscopy without anesthesia. >> audience: ooh! >> stephen: oh, my god. that had to be terrible... for the doctor who had to give a colonoscopy while the guy on the
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table kept screaming about how he won michigan. ( cheers and applause ) now, one of his reasons evidently for keeping the colonoscopy secret back then was that he didn't want to be "the butt of a joke" of tv comedians. sir, sir, please, i would never have made a joke about your butt. i would have made it a primetime special: the "late show's presidential butt-tastic ass-travaganza: how full of crap is he?" ( applause ) turning away from the president's butt for a moment, let's travel a few inches down the old taint highway to the president's junk. because after stormy daniels spilled the beans on his frank, the president called grisham from air force one to assure her that his penis was not small or toadstool-shaped. it's all going to be in next season's "american crime story:
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mushroom dong." ( laughter and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ so good. unbelievable. sarah paulson plays the mushroom dong and she just "transforms," unbelievable. every day, seven hours in the chair for makeup. in covid news, supply chain problems are hitting kids in the lunchbox. across the country, schools are facing shortages of cafeteria staples like chicken, meatballs, apple juice, and even plastic cutlery. it has gotten so bad, cafeterias have been forced to serve orderly joes. ( laughter ) issues like school lunch wouldn't be such a big deal if we had a robust social safety net. and when americans are looking to pay for social programs, liberal politicians like bernie sanders tend to point to the success story of scandinavian countries. so i thought it would be nice to check in with our nordic friends in my new segment: "scandinavia's bjorking nus." ( upbeat nordic tunes ) ( applause ) so-- what's the latest from this
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social democratic utopia? young scandinavians are sticking nicotine pouches up their asses. ( laughter ) now, i know what you're thinking: "ahhh!" also, "why?" well, turns out, kids chewing tobacco is a big problem in scandinavia, and it got so bad that the danish government actually banned the use of nicotine pouches during school hours. and the kids' solution was to shove them up their butts? i hope they don't do that with everything schools ban. "i can't focus. i know, i'll use my fidget spinner. whee! whee!" >> jon: oh, no. oh, no. >> stephen: gyroscopic. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riffs ) now, to be fair, not every scandinavian youth is shoving nicotine bags where the northern lights don't shine. some of them are sticking nicotine patches up their foreskin.
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>> jon: oh, no! ( audience groans ) good for you, kids. way to think outside the butt. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh, no. >> stephen: one prepuce pioneer explained his reasoning, "i was bored and about to take a nicotine pouch and masturbate, and my curiosity got the better of me." but on the bright side, his penis quit smoking. ( laughter ) obviously, obviously-- please don't applaud for that. obviously, no one should be doing any of this, including this one guy who reportedly got drunk and forgot to take out the nicotine pouch again. thankfully, this being sweden, he was able to get it out by following this helpful diagram. we've got a great show for you tonight. ( applause ) my guests are drew carey and comedian phoebe robinson. but when we come back, "meanwhile!" ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody. there you go. give it up. come on, get it, get it. ( applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ jon-- we've got-- >> jon: ♪ ooooh, ahhh ♪ >> stephen: we've got coming up, coming up in just a little while, the wonderful, the lovely, the talented phoebe robinson, fantastic omedian. >> jon: oh, yeah. she's great. >> stephen: and of course our friend and cbs colleague drew carey is going to be here, host of "the price is right." host of "the price is right" for the last 15 years. 50-- 50th anniversary, the start of "the price is right." >> jon: oh, man! >> stephen: how many kids sick home from school owe their afternoon enjoyment to that show? >> jon: oh, my goodness! i loved it. i used to be there checking it out with grandma, yes.
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>> stephen: what was that song you guys were just playing? >> jon: that was a version of beethoven's "seventh symphony." >> stephen: i did not realize beethoven was so hip. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: that swung in ways i'm not used to beethoven doing. >> jon: he's in there. you just have to pull it out ♪ dee-dee-dee ♪ >> stephen: how would you classically played? can you give me a taste of that. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: and you just did... ♪ ♪ ♪ ( audience clapping ) >> jon: you got a vibe with it. right there. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's an improvement. that's an improvement. you know, i spend a lot of time right over there hand-raising and selecting the newsiest, most topical seville oranges, carefully simmering them with turbinado sugar and pristine
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filtered water to create for you a double-gold-medal-winning bittersweet english marmalade to spread on the perfectly toasted artisanal brioche that is my nightly monologue. but sometimes, just sometimes, folks, i grab an expired tub of whipping cream, toss it in a blender with the half of a go-gurt i found in a schoolyard, and let that ferment behind the furnace while i fish a dried pita out of the gutter underneath the corner kebab stand, then slather it with the unpasteurized dairy nightmare dairy of news that is my segment: "meanwhile!" ( cheers and applause ) doesn't matter. "meanwhile" is so forgiving, is what it is. meanwhile, bruce springsteen guitar mafioso steven van zandt says he loved threesomes so much in he 1970s that he developed a temporary addiction to menages a trois. that is the most bald attempt to hide a brag underneath being a victim: "look, i knew i'd hit
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rock bottom when i realized i was a wealthy rock star having group sex every night with women who worshipped me sexually. if only someone had reached out. or better yet, two of them." ( laughter ) little steven continued discussing his little steven, saying, "the '70s, there's never been anything quite like it, honestly. it was just a wild, wild time and the women were truly, truly liberated there for a minute." "yeah, but now that i'm 70, women no longer have group sex with me. when did they become so oppressed?" ( laughter ) meanwhile, we here at "meanwhile global shipping enterprises and secondary market meat products" sometimes find so many animal- related stories that we have to repackage them in our meanwhile subsegment: "meanwild." ( laughter ) meanwild, for years, officials have been struggling to control the invasive lanternfly, and now they've raised the ante. as "cbs news put it, "there's a
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beautiful spotted insect flying across the u.s., and officials want you to kill it." whoa, whoa, whoa! i cannot endorse killing things that are too beautiful. if we did that, how long could i possibly last? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) meanwild, things got a little too educational at the bronx zoo last week when an adult gorilla was filmed performing oral sex on its partner in front of aghast zoo-goers. gorillas? please go back to doing respectable, genteel things like hurling your poop at us. ( laughter ) now, ladies and gentlemen, i want you to brace yourself. i'm going to show you the footage in my new adults-only segment: "meanwild: after dark." applause ) so--
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>> jon: uh-oh, uh-oh. >> stephen: send the kids out of the room, but not to the zoo. jim? >> look at these two, awww! oh, no, oh, no! >> oh, no! >> oh, no! don't look, josey! oh, god lord! ( laughter and applause ) >> jon: oh, my goodness! >> stephen: these "planet of the apes" sequels are getting spicy! i have to say, andy serkis is really committing to character. apparently, this is not unusual. scientists say oral sex is actually fairly common throughout the animal kingdom with sightings of species ranging from cheetahs to bears and bats engaging in the salacious act. adding, "and we really need to
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watch a lot of animal oral sex for all the research and stuff please close the door on your way out." meanwild, in ohio, the lewisburg haunted cave has reopened just in time for halloween, which they claim is home of both ghouls and terrors, and 30,000 live bats. wait, you can't combine real horrors with fake horrors. imagine walking through that with a scared kid: "it's ok, honey. none of it's real, except for the bats. they're super real. but don't worry, there's only 30,000 of them." we'll be right back with drew carey. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) eaeach mcdonalald's crispy, jujuicy, tenderer chicken s sandwich comes wiwith juicy p pickles. although s some may prefer t to remove t them. we don''t undersrstand you.. but t we respectct you. mcdonanald's crcrispy chchicken sandndwich. ♪baba da ba ba a ba♪
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: everybody, welcome back to the "late show." ladies and gentlemen... ( cheers and applause ) i feel the same way. ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest as the host of "the price is right," which is celebrating 50 years on the air. now, let's meet our first guest drew carey, come on down! you are the first guest on the "late show!" ( "price is right" theme song )
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( cheers and applause ) come on up, drew. ( cheers and applause ) come on up, drew. >> oh, my god! >> stephen: drew, drew? >> oh, my god! >> stephen: drew, thanks so much. >> oh, my god! >> stephen: thanks, thanks. drew-- >> aaah! >> stephen: drew, where are you from? >> i'm from cleveland! >> stephen: uh-huh. are you a little nervous? >> a little nervous, yeah. >> stephen: you're going to be great. have a seat. drew carey, everybody. >> thanks, thanks. $1.00, bob! >> stephen: do you have to keep up-- do you have to keep up on the price of ordinary things in your life because people will buttonhole you on the street, "what's a pint of milk?" >> i don't know.
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no, people don't ask me. i don't know anything when i go out. i don't know what games are playing. they give me a list that they put on my desk in my dressing room but i never look at it. so, i'm just like, they point me to a spot, and i think we're probably playing this one game, like, i look behind the thing. and it spins around and they're playing it and it is so easy. >> stephen: so, you're just enjoying it like we are at home? >> i get to work a half hour before i go out on stage. >> stephen: hey, i mean this in all friendship ( bleep ) you. >> i know, i know. i hate to tell people-- ( applause ) >> stephen: 14 years, what did you think? when you got into this gig, what did you think it was going to be? >> aah... >> stephen: how did it turn out? what surprised you? what about that? >> it's such a joyous happy place. like, you see people-- everybody there is rooting for a stranger to do well, which you don't see anywhere. they're always like, "i hope that person loses," or "kick that person off the island," you
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know what i mean? it's always stuff like that. on "the price is right," it's, "yeah, screw cbs! take all their money." you know, it's kind of fun. >> stephen: your guests are so-- they're so excited. here are some examples of their enthusiasm for having-- ( laughter ) >> that's what i get for leaving my phone in the dressing room. >> stephen: and i don't know what-- what-- what is happening? it looks like you got bowled over by a human bowling ball. >> a gorilla came over and just blew me. ( laughter and applause ) that's what happened. >> stephen: good. blew you down, you mean. blew you down. >> yeah ( laughs ) >> stephen: now, this is-- this is a crazy bit of business they just found out. ( laughter ) cbs, man, cbs. >> yeah, whatever. >> stephen: i only kind of work here, is what you're saying. >> it's such a thrill to come on a show where i can swear and do dirty jokes, because i can't swear on "the price is right."
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>> stephen: not even have it bleeped or anything like that? >> you won a ( bleep ) car! i can't do that. >> stephen: they'd be so happy, though. >> holy ( bleep )! see what happens? i can't do that. >> stephen: i heard-- and i don't know how this is true or how you would know, but that paul mccartney is a fan. >> yes. i'm friends with this guy named chris holmes-- hi, chris, how're you doing? before covid he was paul mccartney's d.j., so he would open up the show-- >> stephen: wait a second, wait a second-- paul mccartney has a d.j.? >> that opens up the show for him. >> stephen: oh, i thought for his wedding and stuff like that. well he does like private-- when they're having a party he does that, too. he travels with paul mccartney and plays beatle remixes that he does and covers and does a really nice set for an hour before the show starts. he gets everybody in the beatles mood. and so, i went to see him in toronto. and he said, "i think i can get paul come and do a meet-and- greet with you and get a picture." i said, "that would be great." so i go down to this basement of an arena i'm waiting in front of this curtain-thing to get a
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picture take, and paul mccartney eventually walks out and he has his hand out and he goes, "hi, drew." and he shakes my hand and i thought chris told him who i was. that's how paul mccartney knows that i'm here. and then he goes, "you know, i 'price is right'. i watch trash tv all the time. it's one of my favorite shows." and i'm like... ( laughter ) like, you what? >> stephen: yeah, i'll take it. >> like, a huh? and he goes, "is it as fun as it seems?" and he's asking me questions like that. and i was like this is crazy. so then i'm, like, bouncing about that. like i can't even get it out of my head. then i'm watching with amy, and we're in the floor seats, watching the show, and we had pretty good seats on the floor, we're watching the show. and we were up dancing in front of our folding chairs and they're doing "back in the u.s.s.r." and the end comes where he's doing the "ooh, ooh, ooh's," the "beach boys" part? and he goes: ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ and he looks at me and goes: ♪ come on down to the price is right ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: wow. that's not bad. >> yeah. >> stephen: and that's how you got there. "the price is right" is how you got on paul mccartney's radar. >> i teared up, i couldn't help it. >> stephen: i'm a little teared up just hearing about it. >> it was insane. and then i got chris to come with me we were on "family feud," and he also watches "family feud." he spent a whole time on our "family feud" introduction saying hi to paul mccartney on "family feud." >> stephen: we have to take a quick break, but when we come back, we'll talk about drew's time in the marines. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) tums v vs. mozzarerella stik when h heartburn h h ts, fight t back fast t with tums sy bibite . fast h heartburn r relief in y bite. crununchy outsidide, chewy i i . ♪ tums,s, tums, tumums, tums♪ tumsms chewy bitites - - oh...oh. - what''s going g on? - oh, darnrn! - lelet me help.p. lilift and pusush and pushsh! t. it's s up there.. hey joshieie...
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, we're back here with the host of "the price is right." drew carey. people may not know this about you. i did, because, you know, i've been working on your wikipedia page for years. >> sure. >> stephen: but you-- >> appreciate it. >> stephen: you were in the marine reserve. there you go. there you are. >> yes. >> stephen: leatherneck, devil dog. >> i had my day. ( applause ) >> stephen: there you go. >> i had my day. >> stephen: when did you join? how old were you? >> i was 22 or something. so i was in for six years in the reserves, and i got out in '86. i got out, like, a few months after i started doing stand-up. so my-- the whole time i was in the reserves-- you still have to keep your hair cut short, even
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though it's once a month, so i never really got to grow my hair out ever. >> stephen: this is the longest i have seen your hair. >> this is the longest it has been since i was 18 or something or 20. and i-- i-- i always promise myself i'm going to grow my hair down to my butt as soon as i got out of the marine corps because i can't believe i had to keep it short all the time. i started to go stand-up, and i had my b.c.g.s, my marine corps glasses on and my suit and my buzz cut when i first started doing amateur nights and it caught on. and then i was like, aww, man. i'm stuck with this. >> stephen: i remember-- i want to talk about carson here for a minute. >> sure. >> stephen: as i remember, i think it was the first time you went on carson. >> yeah. >> stephen: i watched it, and i did-- didn't you talk about people saying, "hey, have a great look." >> oh, yeah, it looked like my high school reunion picture. >> stephen: exactly. and they said, "where did you get that look?" and you would say, "this is what i look like." >> yeah. >> stephen: we have to take another quick break. but when we come back, i want to talk with drew about his first
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but explain to people what it meant for johnny to call over a comic because it's not something that really happens anymore and there is no one else who actually could make it so meaningful than johnny. >> nobody. it was like-- i was in show business the very next day. honestly, i tear up when i think about it, because it was life changing. i was a club comic in the morning. and that friday night, i was in show business. and my manager's office, they did nothing but send out tapes of me, and i was getting the called the next day-- i was working in chicago, so i had to fly back to chicago to finish my week. when i got back to l.a., every night that week, i did a set at the improv for agents. and the first monday night, 28 william morris agents showed up to see me do stand-up. the head of the lit department. the head of the movie department. the headline of the sitcom department.
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the head of the books department. they all wanted to be in the drew carey business. it was crazy. >> stephen: how would it happen like, when johnny would call you over? what were the actual mechanics there? you knew nothing before you went out there? >> no. it took me three-- i got picked to do the show on my first audition, i was at the comedy magic club. and when i auditioned, i got picked on my first try. jim mccauley picked the comics and he said, "oh, you got the show!" and the comic world, my friends were all buzzing, like, i can't believe you got it on the first try because that never happened, right? you had to audition for mccauley a bunch of times. and, so... i was on this list, and what they would do, if somebody couldn't make it one of the stars, they would call a comic and they would fill in. so i was staying at a friend's of mine's house, i was working at the comedy magic club. because they saw me do stand-up for the first time and they invited me back to do a gig. so i went back, like, that november to work a week at the comedy magic club, and bob saget invited me to come see a taping of "full house," because i'd working with him on the road. so, it was the beach boy's
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episode, the famous beach boy's episode of "full house." i was at that taping. and it was real exciting because i had never been to a tv taping and i had my suit with me and my little shaving kit and stuff. and i get to the comedy magic club, and the m.c. goes, "hey, you okay?" he greets me at the door. i go, "yeah, i'm fine, what happened?" and he goes, "oh, i don't want to tell you" i go, "what did my mom die? just tell me." and he says jim mccauley was trying to get in touch with you today to do the "tonight show, but he couldn't find you so he got jeff cesario to do it instead. ( audience groans ) hi, jeff! >> stephen: wow. >> and i missed the call. then i called mccauley on monday and said, "hey, i'm sorry, i missed the call." i listened to the message machine when i got back to my friend's house and it was a-- there were no cell phones back then. and i was just like-- it was a disaster, one call after the next. and i called him on monday and he said, "yeah, i'm sorry, i missed you too. but i'd like to see you again before i approve you for another set." so i was on the list and now i'm off the list and it took me three years to get back on the
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show, including 18 months of driving and just being on the road after a break up. i was like, driving and crying all the time-- >> stephen: sure. >> hi, jackie. >> stephen: you were probably a better comic at the end of that. >> i was so powerful-- mccauley let me go to the improv-- i'll try to wrap this up really quick. mccauley let me go and see him again at the improv. so i said, "i'm back in town." and this is after three years and in may again, almost exactly three years. he came to see me, and they were letting comics audition that night so there were a lot of strong comics. and i got up in front of that packed crowd and when i got done they were chanting my name. that's how good i was. >> stephen: wow. >> yeah. ( cheers and applause ) i got "the tonight show" and "hbo young comedians" the same night. it was crazy. >> stephen: well, drew, it was lovely to see you. thank you so much for being here. >> thanks, buddy. thanks. >> stephen: the primetime special celebrating 50 years of "the price is right" airs this thursday at 9:00 p.m. on cbs. it's drew carey, everybody! we'll be right back with comedian, phoebe robinson. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back! folks, my next guest is a stand- up comedian, actor and a best-selling author. her latest book is "please don't sit on my bed in your outside clothes." please welcome back to the "late show" phoebe robinson! ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> we did it! >> stephen: i have to ask, i'm going to-- i'm going to have to ask why do you have a piece of slate in your hand? are you a one-room school teacher? are you about to teach me my arithmetic? what is that? >> so, stephen, i love free things, and this was in the green room. it had some cheese on it and bread.
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i ate it. >> stephen: the cheese and the bread. >> i ate. i said, this is really cute, it's my birthday. ( applause ) >> stephen: happy birthday. >> can i-- can i take this home with me? >> stephen: sure, of course! >> okay, good. >> stephen: i'm never going to say no on television. >> thank you. yes! >> stephen: this is a nice little cheese board. >> it's so nice. >> stephen: and you could roof a house with it. >> yes. it's perfect. so thank you for this lovely birthday present. >> stephen: you're welcome. do you want me to keep it on the other chair or keep it here until we're ready? >> i'll keep it on the chair. >> stephen: because you're afraid to give it to me-- >> yeah. >> stephen: and you'll never get it back. >> i think you're going to put in back in the green room. >> stephen: your birthday is a theme of our talks. >> yes. >> stephen: because the last time you were on here, your birthday passed recently, and you actually shared with me a cookie your friends had given you because you always go see u2? >> yeah, on my birthday. they're my favorite band and i fly around the world to see them on my birthday. >> stephen: your friends gave you a bono-shaped cookie, but when it arrived they all said it
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looked like... me. >> it looks like you! >> stephen: so, we ate it. what are you doing this year? >> you know, i'm going out to dinner, you're invited-- >> stephen: thank you. >> at some french place le blah, blah, blah. >> stephen: oh, it's very good. have the ( french gibberish ). >> and i'm here, i'm here with you. >> stephen: well, that's nice. >> i'm doing "colbert." not sexually, just... ( applause ) here. i'm just here! keep it clean! >> stephen: of course we will. cbs. >> yes! >> stephen: your new book is "please don't sit on my bed in your outside clothes." >> yes. >> stephen: what-- what does that mean? what is an "outside clothes." >> what you are wearing right now, if you step outside and a particle of air touches your fabric, it is officially outside clothes, right? >> stephen: really? >> yes! stephen! are you out here in the streets, and you're going back home, and you're jumping into bed without
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changing your clothes? >> stephen: no, i don't get in bed, you say "don't sit on my bed." >> don't do it, yes. you can't sit on anything in my house. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i have to take off my clothes when i come into your house? is that what you're saying? >> bring an overnight bag with a change-- no, i'm just kidding. you don't have to do that. seriously, this is a rule my parents had growing up, and it really stuck with me. and so when i went to college-- i went to the pratt institute. >> stephen: yeah. >> and i got my room essentials, bedding from target. >> stephen: sure. >> and people wanted to come over. shout-out to room essentials, can i get a sponsorship? > stephen: sure. ( laughter ) >> but people wanted to come over and you can't-- and i would freak out about people sitting on my bed. i was like, you can have one butt cheek on and the other has to dangle off. >> stephen: wow, okay. so just a quick change into something more comfortable and cleaner. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay, kind of like you're working at some sort of nuclear factory. you actually have to change. now, you also-- you dedicate your book to your parents, which is lovely.
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>> yes. >> stephen: but also to michael b. jordan. >> yes. >> stephen: why, why to michael b. jordan? >> because he's very hot. >> stephen: this is true. ( laughter and applause ) >> i mean, he's huge. >> stephen: this is true. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. so i just was like it's only fitting for this book, and he commented on my instagram. >> stephen: what? >> so, i'm leaving my boyfriend. that is what-- sorry, babe. >> stephen: if michael b. jordan was wearing his outside clothes, could he sit on your bed? just sit. ( laughter ) >> yes. ( laughter and applause ) he could, he could. i would say you and michael b. jordan, you are the two. i'm going to put you there with m.b.j. >> stephen: wow, thank you. >> yeah! >> stephen: well, i wanted to talk about this other thing, speaking of which, you have this thing "thirsty thursday" on instagram. >> yes. >> stephen: where you highlight hollywood hotties. >> yes. >> stephen: okay, and you-- and you wax, what you call-- what's the word? >> wax hoetic. >> stephen: wax hoetic.
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>> yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so this is-- i just want to show, this is one you did recently. there's your man, michael b. jordan. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: give us a taste of what waxing hoetic is. >> no, no, can you-- my parents do not know i do this. they're going to watch tonight. >> stephen: give me your best part-- >> whatever you feel comfortable with. >> stephen: "his skin is always glistening like a plate the short ribs at a cookout. plus, he's got the kind of smile and dimples that make you not read the fine print and sign a shady contract anyway. and those abs! he has, like, eight of those. meanwhile, i hit up nicolas cage from "national treasure" to see if we could find one ab on me. basically michael is literal physical perfection and oh, yeah, he's a really talented actor and producer and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." ( laughter ) wow. >> yeah. >> stephen: how does 57-year-old paunchy middle-aged guy get on the thirsty thursdays?
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>> stephen, you know you're a zaddy. you know you're cute. i will do one-- i'm going to do one for you. >> stephen: you will? >> i will do one for you. it's going to happen. >> stephen: fantastic. because you can't see bono this year because they're not on tour because of covid, we got you your own little visit with bono. >> oh, my god! that is so cute! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: there you go. >> i love that. >> stephen: thank you, and it's always lovely to have you. thank you so much for stopping by. >> of course, thank you for having me. >> stephen: the book is "please don't sit on my bed in your outside clothes" it's in stores now. she's phoebe robinson, everybody. thank you, phoebe. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: that's it for the "late show." james corden is next. good night, everybody! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh >> stephen: the treasury
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department will likely exhaust all its extraordinary measures to avoid default. yes, they've gone through all the extraordinary measures. they've reallocated funds, suspended pension payments. they've even-- dug up george washington's gold! ( rumble of thunder ) >> ooooh, stay away from me, gold, you deadbeats! ( laughing ) >> stephen: aaarrrgghhhh! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show oh, oh ♪ the late late show, ooh the late late show ♪ oh, oh


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