tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 16, 2021 11:35pm-12:37am PST
>> thanks for watching, have a good night. see you tomorrow captioning sponsored by cbs >> the city will announce plans to bring back huge crowds to times square for the new year's eve celebration. last year, only essential workers and special guests were able to see the ball drop in person because of pandemic restrictions. >> we're turning the corner. we've got a lot to celebrate, so it's going to be a big moment in times square on new year's eve. ( to "auld lang syne" )
( screaming ) >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight: hit the road, joe. plus, stephen welcomes: eric adams and dwayne wade featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, yeah. oh, yeah.
>> stephen: i need that third one. i need that third one. got to do a little work right now. please have a seat, everybody. thank you, so much. thank you, friends. welcome to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. ladies and gentlemen-- ( cheers and applause ) oh, there is-- jon, you can feel, there's a crispness in the air, and that magical sparkle that can only mean one thing: it's infrastructure season. ( laughter ) will santa bring us the steel i-beams we asked for from china? is that him on the roof? he should wait until we install those steel i-beams! yesterday, president biden signed his bipartisan infrastructure bill into law, and to tell everyone about it, today, he kicked off a road show to showcase the benefits of the bill. it's like "the antiques road show," if the road was the
antique. ( laughter ) biden first stop-- infrastructure fan. thank you very much. biden's first stop was this afternoon in woodstock, new hampshire. here he is teasing his visit yesterday: >> tomorrow i'll be traveling to new hampshire to visit a bridge that is structurally not safe. >> stephen: wait, what? ( laughter ) then don't go there! is this a cry for help? njtsz what are you trying to do out there? >> stephen: infrastructure is not the only thing biden is trying to patch up. he's also working on our relationship with china, which has been a bit rocky lately. there's tension over taiwan, china is doing target practice on models of our aircraft carriers in the desert, and the fact that they create so much pollution, you can write the words "wash me" on their sky. so yesterday, biden held a summit with chinese president and uncle at thanksgiving listening to you describe your art school degree, xi jinping. biden and xi wanted to meet in person, but due to covid, they
r a virtual summit, which lasted three and a half hours. and there was some tension on the call. biden raised concerns about human rights abuses and unfair trade and economic policies. and xi countered by saying that america rallying global support to counter china would "inevitably bring disaster to the world." not great. seems like the old couple could be heading toward a separation. "kids, your father and i have some differences. i want to go back to school and start a career, and he will inevitably bring disaster to the world." ( laughter ) in pandemic news, covid cases are starting to climb in some areas of the u.s. stop it! stop climbing, corona. i'm going to count to three. one, twoco rus,ouetack down her now, if you've gotten the jab, you don't have to worry too
much, because this rise in cases is mostly happening among unvaccinated people, with some of the largest increases in new hampshire and vermont. vermont? okay, it's time to send bernie door-to-door. ( laughter ) ( as bernie sanders ) "knock-knock. that's right, i'm saying knock-knock. my bones are too fragile to touch wood. it's me, senator sanders, here to inoculate you. show me that shoulder-- boom. that's a 90% reduction in severe covid symptoms. now invite me. i smell soup. don't hide your mushroom-barley from me!" so covid won't go away, but the pandemic might. the global goal now is to reach a point where covid is more like the flu. it's a situation public health experts call endemicity, which is the point where covid becomes just another disease that people control with vaccines and medication. so, looks like we're never
really getting rid of covid. it's like mel gibson: ( laughter ) he ebbs and flows, but because of a few idiots out there, we're stuck with some form of him forever. but the vaccinated among us did get some good news yesterday from chief medical advisor to the president and professor of zaddy studies, anthony fauci. fauci was asked about the upcoming holidays in an interview, and he had this to say: >> if you get vaccinated and your family is vaccinated, you can feel good about enjoying a typical thanksgiving, christmas with your family and close friends. >> stephen: yes, a typical thanksgiving: everyone gathered at the table and you hoping they can't tell you just smoked a huge joint with your cousin luke in the garage. ( whispering ) everybody knows. they all know. it looks like americans are planning to holiday responsibly, because according to a new poll, 72% of respondents said they
plan to limit their celebration to members of their household, and 51% said they will request that guests wear masks. that's gonna be complicated wearing a mask, since you're gathering for a meal. so it's a perfect time to try out stephen colbert's patent- pending thanksgiving feed bags. ( laughter ) yes, when you're done, slip it over your head, cinch it tight, take a nap. ( laughter ) speaking of plagues that won't go away, former president, the vanity maatee. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we're still-- ( applause ) rihot of fans. a lot more fans here than i would think. we're still learning the details of his january 6 attempted coup, thanks to jonathan karl's tell-all "betrayal," which hit bookstores today. according to karl, the ex-president was interested in staging a classic coup, because
his allies pressed the defense department to help overturn the election. and some of these efforts were what military historians call "coo-coo banana cakes," like the one put forward by conspiracy lawyer sydney powell, seen here browsing the wildlife refuge for a future blouse. ( laughter ) after the election, powell contacted a pentagon official to push the claim that the c.i.a. director had been hurt and taken into custody in germany while on a secret mission to destroy evidence of voter fraud on a computer server that belonged to a company named scytl. where did powell get this urgent news? from a false conspiracy theory that had been gaining steam among qanon followers. oh, yeah, that theory is definitely steaming. ( laughter ) powell wasn't the only high-ranking maga nutball the pentagon was dealing with. the same official also got a call from pardoned criminal and owl with hemorrhoids, general michael flynn.
ynn, evide defense official that it was time for the military to stop biden from taking office, saying, "he needed to get orders signed, that ballots needed to be seized, and that extraordinary measures needed to be taken to stop democrats." remember, this was a former general making a call to the military demanding they support a fascist coup. what is wrong with him? it's 2021. just text! ( laughter ) there has been some fallout for january 6 so far. take wyoming representative and coworker who doesn't know what happened to your peanut butter cups, liz cheney. cheney has somehow found the courage to say that a fascist coup is bad. so this weekend, the wyoming republican party voted to stop recognizing representative liz cheney as a member of the g.o.p. you can't kick a cheney out of the g.o.p.!
that's like kicking pinot grigio out of "the real housewives." ( laughter ) oh, speaking of places where they have elections, canada. ( applause ) they also have a supreme court. it's so cute: they think they're a country. ( laughter ) don't tell them. they got little coins with animals on them. it's really sweet. it makes them happy. today, their top court released their official photo, and holy kristopher kringle! the canadian supreme court is nine santas! what's their docket like? "in the case of 'becky peterson v. baby brother's safety-scissors haircut,' the majority finds 'not naughty.'" ( laughter ) ( applause ) speaking of the holidays, here's something: on thanksgiving day, the first asian american muppet arrives on "sesame street." ( cheers and applause )
that's nice. the new arrival is ji-young, a loveinher trld w she is the coolest muppet since that one episode where cookie monster smoked weed. it was the '70s. why do you think he eats so many cookies?! but it's not just guitars and skateboarding. ji-young will also play a role in countering anti-asian bias and harassment at a time of heightened awareness around the issue. that's great, but is it just me, or are we giving some muppets more responsibility than others? ( laughter ) "okay, folks, bring it in here. i got your assignments. you be angry in a trashcan, you count everything you see, and you solve systemic racism." ( laughter ) ( applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight! my guests are new york city mayor-elect eric adams and n.b.a. champion dwyane wade.
( applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! give it up for jon batiste and stay human. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) who we got tonight? who am i talking to tonight? i'm-- jon, jon, you know who i'm talking to tonight? the soon-to-be honorable eric adams. >> jon: yes. >> stephen: the mayor-elect of new york city. greatest city in the world. >> jon: yes, indeed. >> stephen: and dwayne wade is here tonight. n.b.a. champion. three time n.b.a. champ. >> stephen: you know what i did once? you saw how i smoked obama in the basketball-- i want to challenge him. i want to challenge dwayne wade to it now? place your bets. >> jon: putting the championship on the line. >> stephen: i just want to
beat stef curry-- or tied stef curry. j. and i beat allen iverson. >> jon: you're going to put your title on the line. >> stephen: every night i put the title on the line, my friend. >> jon: let's go. >> stephen: what's new? i want to ask you something, we were talking about the asian american muppet joining the cast of sesame street." i found out somebody else is joining the cast of "sesame street." what are you doing on "sesame street," jon. >> jon: i'm going over to "sesame street" and singing some songs ♪ can you tell me how to get ♪ >> stephen: that's a milestone. >> jon: i know. i'm really so grateful. i watched it since i was a kid and always dreamed of being there. you go there and it's so much like what you remembered in person. it's just so emotional to be there. >> stephen: so you've been there. >> jon: yes. >> stephen: you've been there. at this point, you can tell me to you hoget... >> jon: yes. te
"sesame street." ♪ ♪ ♪ >> jon: we can't play the rest of it. >> stephen: no, we can't, because they have-- they have muppet lawyers, too. >> jon: that's right, that's right. but you know the rest. >> stephen: they don't mess around. folks, i spend a lot of time right over there, carefully selecting the day's newsiest, most aerodynamic headlines, stress testing the most topical antilock breaks and power steering, painstakingly stitching leather seating so soft, it would make j.d. power and her associates blush, to create the luxury sedan that is my nightly monologue. but sometimes, just sometimes, folks, i lurch to consciousness in the back of an abandoned school bus and slap myself awake with a crusty floor mat before using a mouse-bitten timing belt to strap some old plywood to a couple of discarded oil drums. then, by the light of a heathen moon, render a gas tank out of an empty big gulp, fill it with white claw and denatured alcohol, then light a match and let 'er rip, in the demented one-man somyoxegment:
>> meanwhile! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: black ice! this will soothe you. this will fix everything. meanwhile, in the u.k., police found 900 pounds of cocaine in a shipment of onion rings. so are you telling me they took a highly addictive substance and used it to smuggle cocaine? ( laughter ) meanwhile, "a small but growing number of churches across america are accepting online donations in cryptocurrencies." wow. they are really desperate to appeal to the youth. ( as youth pastor ) "hey kids, have you heard about the coolest cryptocurrency of all? it's called salvation, and you're gonna want to get in on the ground floor, dog." meanwhile, with a once-in-a-century global pandemic and failed climate talks in the news, it's easy to feel like it's the end times. so i just want to take a second
to reassure everyone that "a plague of scorpions has rained on egypt." sounds awful-- also, pretty exciting day for the guy who does weather on the 1's. ( laughter ) meanwhile, we here at meanwhile global arms manufacturing and illegal chemical disposal sometimes come across so many pee-related stories, that they trickle into our meanwhile sub-segment: "ureen-while." ureen-while, the "welcome to rockville" music festial was in daytona beach last weekend, and during a set from a band called "brass against," singer sophia urista pulled down her pants and peed on a fan. in other words, the least-gross story to come out of daytona beach. ureen-while, in a new interview, dwayne "the rock" johnson revealed why he pees in water bottles during workouts. it's all in preparation for his
upcoming role in "jumanji 3: amazon employee." ( laughter ) ( applause ) because they don't-- they don't get bathroom breaks. also, dwayne, if you're peeing in bottles, i don't think anyone in the gym is focused on the "why," so much as the "what the hell?" but he insisted on explaining, "i do pee in my water bottles, but let me give context to that. no. ( laughter ) meanwhile-- ( cheers and applause ) meanwhile, domino's pizza c.e.o., don meij, bought a $20.9 million "smart" bel air mansion, with eight bedrooms and 15 bathrooms. now, that sounds like an extreme bathroom-to-bedroom ratio, but you eventually need all of them if you eat enough domino's.
"forget the plunger! this bathroom's totaled! just brick over the door and never speak of it again." ( applause ) meanwhile, a new company in las vegas charters jets to nowhere for horny mile-high clubbers. and you felt bad for southwest flight attendants. ( laughter ) the seat backs and tray tables aren't the only thing in the upright position. the company is called "love cloud vegas," and for just $995, couples can charter a jet for 45 minutes. that's right, for $1,000, you can experience sex on a private jet, then awkwardly stare out the window for the next 43 and a half minutes. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we'll be right back with new york city mayor-elect eric adams. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) thk you mucfor g re. >> thaouan ste: hope wveng and p to be on good terms. with the guy who is going to be running the joint. congratulations. >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: on being mayor-elect. ( applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: did you always want to be mayor of new york? at one point did you say to yourself, "i want to be mayor of new york?" >> an amazing narrative and journey that it happened, you know, many years ago. you know, i went through a terrible period with policing. i was abused as a child. police officers assaulted my
brother and i. and then later, i joined the police department from civil rights activists asked me to join. and i saw the disfunctionality of our agencies, and i said we can run a better city. 24 years ago, now 25 years ago, i spoke to the deputy mayor bill lynch, and i said, "i want to be mayor." he said, this is what you have to do, and i'm here. ( applause ). >> stephen: when you won, you went out-- you were found clubbing at a club called zero bond, and people were a little surprised to see the mayor-elect out clubbing. were you surprised that they were surprised? >> first of all, -- >> stephen: you enjoy the club scene. >> they were inaccurate. they are inaccurate. i went to zero bonds, i went to brooklyn sugar hill. they said only one place. don't take it away from me. i am the mayor. this is a city of night life. i must test the product.
i have to be out showing-- i want new yorkers to come back. we used to be the coolest place on the globe. we're so damn boring now, man. you know, we've got to be-- we have to be among the people enjoying life. i want the cross-pollination of our energy in the diversity of this city. we have some beautiful places in the city. so i'm going to be out. if you're going to hang out with the boys at night, you have to get up with the men in the morning. i'm up at 5:00 a.m. every morning. >> stephen: what might you do differently than our present mayor, bill de blasio, who does not enjoy the most popularity. do you think that-- case in point-- ( laughter ) do you think that's a bad rap? like, how will you be different? >> i'm going to get up in the morning, you know. i'm only playing. i'm up at 5:00 a.m., meditation. >> stephen: sure. >> exercise, green smoothie. i'm ready to hit the ground running. >> stephen: i'm not going to-- i accept that you're in better shape than bill de blasio.
how will the city be in better shape? >> well, you know, there's a quote that i really want new yorkers and americans to understand. archbishop desmond tut said it, we spend a lifetime pulling people out of the river. nobody goes upstream and prevents them from falling in, in the first place. we talk about closing riker's island. i say close the pipeline that feeds rikers island. 30% of the prisoners in our country are dyslexic. so if we go upstream, let's not pull people out of the river. let's go upstream and pr we create the crises, and i'm going to take my city upstream, and we're going to be a model all over this country on how to run cities. ( applause ) >> stephen: you had mentioned before-- you mentioned before that you were in the police department. you were one of new york's finest for 22 years, became a police captain. our country is grappling with
calls for and resistance to police reform in various places around the united states. what-- how will you approach that? how-- as someone who, as you said, was the subject or the object of abuse when you were younger and also lived the experience of a policeman, how are you going to approach this issue? what are you going to do in the department? >> so true. you know, i'm a christian, and i believe in esther four and 14-- god made me for such a time like this. taken from my police experience of beinga as a child that was abused, going into the police department, understanding that the prerequisite to prosperity is public safety and justice. they go together. i'm going to tell my police officers, i have your backs. do your job. darn it, if you don't understand the nobility of public protection, you are getting out of my department. you will not use that job to abuse people. abuse is real. we're going to change the ecosystem of public safeties -- not just police. it's mental health professionals, youth
organization, clergy leaders, crisis management teams. we have to redefine policing and what it means in our country and in our city. and i'm going to get it right. we're not going to be heavy handed. we're going to show how we can have a partnership with-- between police and community. i know we can do it. we're going to get it right. ( applause ) >> stephen: i certainly hope you're right. i certainly hope you're right. there are know-- we hear stories of low moral within the n.y.p.d. is that true? and if so, do you think it stems from? >> well, it is, it's true. and i think that for far too long we build this divide between police and communities. listen, when you come out of that subway station late at night, up to the see that police officer there, but you want him to treat you are of with the respect and dignity that you deserve. we have to be safe. don't let anyone fool you. if we're not safe, that's the foundation of how we live, but
we can do it without being abusive. and then we have to stop feeding the criminal justice problem. do you know that foster care children age up on the of foster care at 21 years old? only 21% graduate from high school. 3% enroll in college. they're more likely to be unemployed, more likely to have mental health issues, more likely to be victims of crimes. why don't we let them age out at 26, give them life culture. i sat down with gang members for the last two and a half years and talked with them. i was blown away with how many of them were dyslexic and had learning disabilities. the real crime is not what happens in 42nd street. it's what happens in the depadepartment of education. that's the crime. we need to start looking at, not only looking at those children who are committing crimes on our streets. ( applause ) >> stephen: mr. mayor-elect, we have to take a quick break. but don't go anywhere.
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what defines being a democratic politician. i was curious where you're going to be in terms of your progressiveness. like on a scale from a.o.c. to joe manchin, where is eric adams in there? >> well, what america is saying and what those we elected stated being pragmatic is progressive. and people try to say, "he's conservative. he's moderate." they try to define me. first of all, i don't want people defining me. i'm still defining myself. i know we can't just talk about it. we have to actually implement real plans. so i am progressive. i pass-- it was my bill that i cosponsored to stop the rockefeller drug laws. it was my bill that took away the database where people were abutioned stop and frisk. my bill that took 83 the quotas, my bill on prison reform.
long before people discovered this term called "progressive" we were leading the way on what progressive is all about. i don't want people to put me in a box. there are some things i'm conservative thinking about, moderate thinking about, ultra-left thinking about. that is who i am. and i tell new yorkers and americans don't let people define you. i know who i am. i don't need any title. i'm eric adams. ( applause ) >> stephen: the next mayor of new york city. before we go, before we go, do you have a message for the rest of the country from new york? >> yes, i got a little gift bag for you. >> stephen: there you go. i was wondering what that was. >> first of all, a couple of things in here. blanket. if you go to times square and you want to wrap with your boo, you can do it with your blanket. >> stephen: i'll take this, thank you.
>> i have a t-shirt for you. this is my theme g.s.d. i'm going to say get stuff done for you, but there's another meaning with the s. but get it done. one of my best gifts. as you know, marijuana is legal -- >> stephen: i did not know. >> i have raw -- >> stephen: i'm not aware, mr. mayor. i'm not into that scene. >> i have bamboo. >> stephen: oh, this is big. >> and i can't give you this gift. i'll give it to you later, you know. ( applause ) and the 25th anniversary of "chicago" for all of you in the audience, we have free tickets for all of you to see "chicago." we're loving it. here's the "playbill." >> stephen: everybody gets tickets? >> everybody.
>> stephen: everybody gets a ticket! ( cheers and applause ) mr. mayor, thank you so much for being here. mayor-elect eric adams, everybody! thank you, sir. we'll be right back with n.b.a. champion dwyane wade. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) okay davey. good game. you gonna be on tonight? yeah, definitely. cool, see ya later. pass it! pass it! yeah!!! you wanna play one more after this? yeah! one more! got him! yeah!!! hahahaha ha! hah- ha! oi! keep it down! no! you keep it down!
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( applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! folks, my next guest this lovely evening, is a three-time n.b.a. champion and olympic gold medalist you know from the miami heat. his new photographic memoir, "dwyane," was published today. please welcome to "the late show," dwyane wade! ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause )
hey. thanks for being here. >> man! thanks for having me here. >> stephen: nice to meet you. >> i've been trying to get here for a while. >> stephen: i'm glad to have you. i've met your lovely wife, gabrielle union be. we met at obama's 55th birthday party. i'm sorry you weren't invited. i guess you were working. >> sometimes you don't get a plus-one. so she didn't take me. >> stephen: people know you from the heat, but you actually are from chicago. >> yes, i am. >> stephen: i lived there in the 90s, so jordan was everything. the bulls were everything, but jordan was everything. you're an n.b.a. champion. he's an n.b.a. champion. i have to imagine you guys have hung, right? you guys-- >> yeah, yeah, we've hung a little bit. >> stephen: yeah. >> yeah. >> stephen: he had to have been a hero of yours, too. >> he was my idol. >> stephen: what's it like to hang with jordan? >> every time is like the first time. like, every time -- >> stephen: what was the first time like. >> every same i see michael jordan it's like, "that's jordan." no matter how many times i see him.
the first time i got an opportunity to meet my idol, and i think this is one of the coolest ways to meet your idol. i get drafted. i'm doing a draft party in chicago, it's like a week after i get done with doing a press conference in mime pep i get back and i'm doing a party. i'm having a great time. the party is a success. everyone has showed up. i'm like, people have came to see me, finally. ask my cousin come and tap me on the shoulder and said, "michael jordan is outside. they won't let him in." i said, "stop playing with me. what do you mean michael jordan is outside and they won't let me in." both of us ran. we were running out of the club. we bust through the doors, and it was in slow motion. when i opened the doors, it was michael jordan and 50 dulds on a motorcycle. and i was just like, i've heard about this. and i went up to him, and immediately, i went, "mike, you want to come in?" and he was like, "no, i'm good." ( laughter ) but he came by to show me some love. >> stephen: that's nice. >> that was the first time meeting my idol.
>> stephen: it was congrats. >> it was congrats on getting drafted and he heard about me from chicago, from the city, and he wanted to come and show me a little love. >> stephen: that's awesome. that's great. ( applause ) when-- when i found out that i was going to take over for dave and get "the late show," michael did nothing. ( laughter ) but i would still be so thrilled if he wanted to roll by at any point. i'll get my hog out, and we'll going cruising. as i said, you're half of a celebrity power couple here, you and gabrielle union. >> yes. >> stephen: i-- it is reported-- and i want you to-- >> uh-oh. >> stephen: i want you to confirm or slap this down. it is-- it is reported that in college you had a poster of her on your wall. >> that is a lie. ( laughter ) >> stephen: really? you didn't have a poster of this woman on your wall? what's wrong with you? >> so... ( laughter ). >> stephen: how did this rumor get started? >> my wife is a bigger celebrity
than me. and she got to come on your show and other shows way more than i. >> stephen: she's been here, yeah. >> so she planted this story. this is a planted story. this did not happen, people. she's lying. now, i had the magazine that she was on the cover of and it was probably under my pillow, but it wasn't on the wall. how dare she say that. ( applause ). >> stephen: yeah there's a big difference. >> yeah, don't disrespect me like that. ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, you have a-- a new book. it is a photographic memoir titled "dwayne" keeping it simple. i like it. i'm sure this thing is going to sell like hot cakes man, i don't have any doubt. the problem is your wife also has a book out at the same time. okay. okay. who-- you know, who's going to win? ( laughter ) is it going to be "dwayne" or "you got anything stronger?" because, mr. and mrs. obama both put out books in the same year.
and she smoked him. ( laughter ). >> yes. >> stephen: she just crushed him. he sold a lot of books but she crushed pim. do you want to place a bet now? >> i didn't try to do this. i didn't know she was working on a book. >> stephen: did she start working on a book when she found out you were working on a book? >> a lot of the stories in her book are so private and so personal. so she kind of did it away from, like, the whole family. she got with her writer and just -- >> stephen: oh, wow. >> so i didn't know what was coming. and then i was about to come out with my book, and she was like, "my book is coming out this year." and i was like, "push it back. push it all the way back." we had to push it back. >> stephen: oh, push your honor book back. >> yeah, i didn't want to compete with her. >> stephen: good luck, good luck. >> no, i'm excited for both of us. >> stephen: are-- how intimate do you get with your photographer here? >> well, very. you know, my photographer is in the crowd somewhere, shout out to bob metelus, who shot over 200 photos in this book. >> stephen: oh, wow. >> and bob has been following
me-- thank you. ( applause ) bob has been following me since-- since 2009. ( laughter ) what photo is that? is it good? >> stephen: worth the price. it's worth the price right there. >> i think it's very some-- you know, as basketball players you get to see-- you know, you get to see us on the court, you get to see us on tv. and a lot of people look at us as thee kind of macho, this hero, these super-power, you know, human beings. but in this book right here, you get to see me laying on the couch. i have toe spreaders in my toes in one of of them because i don't like my toes to touch. you get to see the insecuritys. you get to see intimate moment s. >> stephen: what's a toe spreader? >> that's what i'm saying. >> stephen: so i'm going to learn. i'm going to learn. >> yeah, it spreads your toes out like that. >> stephen: oh, like if you're ged getting a pedicure something like that. >> kind of sorta. i have a jelly toast spreader to keep my toes -- >> stephen: do you recommend that? >> yeah, at home, on the couch.
>> stephen: sure, i'll try it. evie, if you're watching, christmas... i got a proposition for you. you know, you're a competitive guy. but i'm a competitive guy, too. and i was mentioning to jon earlier that i-- i have played waste paper basketball against some of the greats. this is me. this is me beating obama. like, absolutely burying obama right there. okay. ( applause ) that's me against allen iverson. absolutely slaughter-- >> why do they all say zero? >> stephen: they didn't score any. this is me against dr. j. he managed to get five in. he was not happy. i was wondering if i could challenge you, put my championship ring on the line. line. i put my wedding ring on. >> stephen: i can't get mine off. do you want to take a second to squeeze them here?
>> we're shooting in the same baskent. >> stephen: sure, sure. >> if i beat you, what do i get? how about 20,000 copies of my book? ( applause ) ( cheering ) >> stephen: i'll buy 20 copies of your book. i'll give your book away for christmas. how about that? >> thank you, appreciate it. >> stephen: you're welcome. all right, here we go. here we go. >> how many seconds do we get? >> stephen: how many seconds are we going to get here? 30 seconds on the clock? 30 seconds and it's just how many you can get in 30 seconds. okay, you've been practicing? did you hear me backstage? all right. >> you were practicing? ( applause ) ( clears throat ) all right, we'll start-- you can shoot first. you want to do that? you're the guest. >> okay. >> stephen: ready?
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