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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  January 13, 2022 11:35pm-12:37am PST

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next. >> thank you for watching, good night captioning sponsored by cbs >> as for the fresh prince, will recently confirmed his reboot is in development and has been picked up for two seasons at the peacock streaming service, but there's a twist. >> the concepts in the fresh prince of bellaire reimagined as a drama? >> industry insiders are calling it a gritty makeover that is more serious in tone. >> you love the original "alf," the show about a wacky alien living with a suburban family. but, now, peacock is proud to present the gritty reboot. they were your typical middle class family, until one day an intergalactic traveler from the planet melmac popped up. >> it's me you're talking to, alf.
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>> this fall, "alf," like you've never seen it before. >> are you kidding? ll the family hijinx you love, only grittier. >> the only good cat is a stir fried cat. >> "alf." and stay tuned for the gritty reboot of "friends." >> i always picture your mom when i'm having sex. >> announcer: it's t the show with stephen colbert! tonight, oath keepers. plus stephen welcomes liev schreiber, and musical guest allison russell, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and, now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey! beautiful! hey, baby!
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i didn't expect to see you here tonight! now it's a party! now it's a party! there you go! hello, my friends! ( cheers and applause ) come on! three shows! ( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: thank you. ( piano riff ) i mean, come on, i've got to say, i love running out to a crowd like this, i could do it all night long. >> jon: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: welcome. welcome, my friends. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: triple double. >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert, and, folks -- ( cheering ) >> stephen: -- you lucky people are here on an historic evening because a year after the january 6th insurrection, the feds are dishing out serious consequences because today an oath keeper leader and ten
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others were charged with seditious conspiracy related to the capitol attack! ( cheers and applause ) come on! that's real! yew yep! >> stephen: that's realer than real! this is huge! seditious conspiracy is no slap on the wrist, it's a charge of inciting rebellion against the federal government that carries a maximum penalty of 20 years in prison! ( applause ) that's pretty bad, i gotta say, but somehow it feels like it should be more. like, if you tried to take the government down, you should go away for longer than one billy e eilish. to put it all in perspective, this is the most sweeping case to emerge from a federal investigation into the capitol riot.
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up till now, the most serious charge any of these guys have gotten is impersonating a flintstone. ( applause ) the biggest name that the feds picked up today was leader of the oath keepers and pirate captain of the s.s. lipitor, stewart rhodes. the indictment alleges that rhodes and his co-conspirators engaged in a conspiracy to oppose the lawful transfer of presidential power by force, by preventing, hindering, or delaying by force, execution of laws governing the transfer of power. which is an elegant way of saying, pooping on the wall. ( laughter ) now, in their defense, the oath keepers' claim that they converged on washington just before january 6 as part of a security detail hired to protect conservative celebrities like roger j. stone. get your story straight, oath keepers. were you there to protect celebrities, or roger stone? besides, roger stone doesn't need a bunch of henchmen. it's not like he's some sort of cartoonish super... villain. oh.
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there you go. ( laughter ) now, here's the thing. this isn't a charge they just yank out willy-nilly. you don't charge someone with sedition unless you got 'em dead to rights, and it looks like they do. because in the lead-up to january 6th, rhodes called on members of his group to stock up on ammo and prepare for a full on war in the streets. a war they lost. this is starting to restore my faith in the justice department. finally, they're charging people with the sedition we saw with our own eyes on live tv. hopefully, one day, the feds will learn the identity of that shadowy figure who was the president who told them to do it. ( applause ) you know what i don't have a lot of faith in? the supreme court.
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because, today, the supreme court blocked biden's vaccine mandate for large employers. what the hell, supremes? ( audience reacts ) what do you know about large employers? you're a small business with nine workers whose dress code is ankle-length hefty bag. ( laughter ) as is frequent with this court, the vote was along ideological lines. and the conservatives wrote, in an unsigned opinion: although congress has indisputably given osha the power to regulate occupational dangers, it has not given that agency the power to regulate public health more broadly. but covid 'is' an occupational danger. why do you think everyone who can, is working from home? you think it's because they 'want' to see their spouse yell at the roomba again? it can't hear you jack, it's a machine! ( laughter ) speaking of the pandemic, that's all we've been doing for the last two years. but there may be some hope on the horizon, some light at the end of the nasal swab, if you will.
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because experts tell us that the omicron waves are appearing to slow down in new york city and other major metropolitan areas. ( cheering ) come on. please, yes. >> jon: oh! >> stephen: bring it. bring it! >> jon: please. >> stephen: new yorkers reacted to the news of the slow down by saying: on your right. keep walking. frickin' tourists. you don't have m&ms where you come from? really ray lovely place, you should really check it out. it's not just new york in both new jersey and maryland, the number of new cases has fallen slightly this week, and coronavirus levels in boston-area wastewater are falling. one local scientist said (southie accent) our butt chowdah is wicked virus free! yankees suck! we're not fully out of the woods just yet, but in the words of one epidemiologist: our assessment is we have likely peaked as a country.
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( laughter ) no argument there, but do you have any thoughts on the coronavirus? i cannot wait for omicron to go away, because i'm tired of having to do at-home tests. i do it so much that i've started experimenting. sometimes i bring in another q-tip for a menage-a-swab. keep it fresh. keep it spicey. some people online have started to question whether we're even doing it right. they think we're jabbing the swab in the wrong place because researchers increasingly believe omicron may replicate in the throat before the nose. the throat? die you bastards! ( cheers and applause ) what the (bleep) is this? this is tea. there is a rule. what's the rule, mark? booze is booze on this show!
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( applause ) today, president biden gave an update on the battle against covid. and with things as bad as they are, he went back to basics. >> first: masking, masking, masking. masking is an important tool to control the spread of covid-19. c.d.c. says wearing a well-fitting mask of any of them is certainly better than not wearing a mask, if it's well fitting. over your nose. >> stephen: it's kind of embarrassing that 22 months into a pandemic, the leader of the free world still has to teach us rudimentary safety tips. it brings to mind eisenhower's famous farewell address: before i step aside, i once again urge my fellow americans: don't put your penis in the light socket. i used to have hair! ( laughter ) ( applause ) i like ike. why can't we have ike?
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( laughter ) but the speech everyone's talking about was biden's fiery address earlier this week calling on the senate to pass voting rights legislation. he put the stakes in stark terms: >> i ask every elected official in america. how do you want to be remembered? the consequential moments in history, they present a choice. do you want to be on the side of dr. king or george wallace? do you want to be on the side of john lewis or bull conner? do you want to be the side of abraham lincoln or jefferson davis? (as biden) harry potter or voldemort? luke skywalker or darth vader? ted lasso or the vague concept of a lack of team unity rooted in a humanistic idea that nobody's outright bad they're just wrestling with their own demons? believe. who's that blonde lady boss? ( cheers and applause ) she's a tall drink of water. that speech ruffled the feathers of republicans in congress, especially florida senator and
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5th grader explaining to the other kids why he would be an asset to the dodgeball team, marco rubio. in the senate yesterday, rubio criticized biden's speech and attempted to zing the libs: >> yesterday we were treated to the president telling us that election laws that are being passed by various states over the course of the last year are basically the same, the equivalent, of segregation that existed in the 1950s, 1960s and before. now, look, if your daily routine is to wake up in the morning and turn on msnbc as you ride your peloton, and then go on twitter as you're drinking your caramel macchiato, and then you're reading the new york times and as you're eating your avocado toast, i imagine all of this makes perfect sense to you. >> stephen: hey, that is a gross mischaracterization real liberals eat quinoa poke-bowls
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and drink oat milk on their peloton late at night while watching my show which reminds me: -- ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) which reminds me, what up, liberal peloton chest open, chin up, butt back in that saddle, ok? we've got an 8 minute high-intensity monologue with three hills, 2 recoveries, and a cool-down with some commercials for ghosts on cbs, thursdays at 9m. so, crank up that resistance and remember, this isn't about what number you hit, it's about watching my butt in the mirror come on let's get up, let's get up let's get up! do that! do that! ( applause ) and i'm winded. ( laughter ) senator rubio's anti-twitter rant would be a lot more convincing if he hadn't posted it on twitter. ( laughter ) also, gotta say, starbucks isn't a liberal drink. at this point, it's an everyone drink. marco rubio's home state has the third most starbucks, with 786 stores.
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it's the most popular drink in florida, after monster energy and nyquil. ( laughter ) big news from across the pond queen elizabeth has stripped prince andrew of his titles. ( applause ) so from here on out, he's the andrew formerly known as prince. previously on game of thrones, his-nolonger-royal-lowness is fighting a civil sexual assault lawsuit, brought by a woman who was trafficked by andrew's friend jeffrey epstein. that's bad. you know it's gotta be bad when the royal family, a group of in-bred, ginsoaked jumped-up, medieval gangsters that are the product of an inherently racist class system, who have all their money from ravaging the world and then stripping the gold teeth out of pensioners, say, he did what? ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: woo-wee! >> stephen: the queen made it
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clear where she stands with her statement: the duke of york will continue not to undertake any public duties and is defending this case as a private citizen. yes, from now on, he'll be a private citizen defending what he did with his citizen's privates. but he doesn't just lose the title his royal highness. oh, no. johnny, tell him what he's lost andrew has lost the right to be called the commodore-in-chief of the fleet air arm, the royal colonel of the royal highland fusiliers, the deputy colonel-in-chief of the royal lancers - queen elizabeths' own, the royal colonel of the royal regiment of scotland. he's also lost the respect of his country and a year's supply of turtle wax back to you, steve. >> stephen: we've got a great show for you tonight, my guest is liev schreiber, but when we come back, football intros like this audience has never seen before.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back! happy thursday! whoo! ( cheers and applause ) give it up for jon batiste and "stay human" right there. that band. jon, jon, we've got the multitalented liev schreiber. >> jon: oh, yes, yes. >> stephen: the ray donovan movie. he'll be out here in a second. i rarely issue apologies on the show and i have to issue a rare apology to my staff member. i have to issue to the props department. when i took a sip of what i thought was bourbon and i said what the ( bleep ) is this, ad
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it was iced tea. the rule is rehearsal iced tea in the show, we do real liquor. i can't lie to the american people. that's an issue of trust. if i say to them, boy, i have a drinking problem, they need to know that's a real thing. but a drinking opportunity, i have a drinking opportunity, not a drinking problem. but this is on me. what happened was i have declared, loudly, to not only the audience and the staff that it's a dry january for me because i'm just moaning about it a lot here. and what they did was, oh, it's dry january, we're not going to give him real bourbon, we're going to do the right thing and be nice guys and give him iced tea. what they didn't know is i left that joke in because i wanted that real bourbon. that's not me. i had to, lord. ( laughter )
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anyway, i apologize. i didn't mean to freak out. if i had bourbon, that would have taken an edge off it. ( laughter ) so please forgive. this is the end of the n.f.l. post season, when the stakes heat up and so does the chilly. one of my favorite part of the football game is those player introduction videos where, one-by-one, we get to meet the teams. >> kolton miller, ucla john simpson, fort dorchester high school andre james, ucla alex leatherwood, alabama, brandon parker, north carolina in fact, i love these player introductions so much that when we did a special edition of the late show after last year's super bowl, i hired some of my favorite hollywood directors to re-make them. of course, back then i didn't have a live audience here to enjoy them, but i do now. jim? >> a late show presents: great directors direct the player intros. ( beeping )
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>> everybody was doing player introductions. there was victor cruz. >> how you doing? umass. >> marcus kuhn. we call him the steam roller. >> couldn't talk. johnny kasius and his guys. university of wisconsin. lorenzo carter, the kid. u.g.a. and then full aronzu, and the kid on account they was both the kids. >> uconn. and then finally benny two-times who got that nickname because he said everything twice like -- >> notre dame, notre dame. ( beeping ) >> bennet jackson, the position he plays is safety. but nothing can be considered safe in a vast, indifferent
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universe, where the stars blindly run. to consider oneself safety is to laugh in the face of destiny. university of notre dame. ( beeping ) >> now, let me take a wild guess here -- you're brett, right? >> no. uconn. >> check out the big brain on brad! >> did you mean bennett jackson university notre dame? >> i don't remember asking you a ( bleep ) damn thing. >> all right, okay. ( laughter ) >> you were saying? as i was saying, i'm folifasukasi, uconn. >> john, university of wisconsin.
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( laughter ) ( beeping ) um. >> all the footballers gathered in preparation for the first of what was sure to be many quarters. there is victor cruz, the enigmatic wide receiver. lorenzo carter, the econo clastic linebacker. carter loved nothing more than chasing a quarterback. has been one of the giants go-to rushers and next season he's hoping to -- rush more. marcus kuhn, the defensive eccentric tackle. >> i don't interest myself ex s.e.c. trick. >> the defensive defensive tackle ( beeping ) ( crashing sounds ) ( growling )
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>> oh, howdy, big fella, marcus kuhn, nc state! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you to the players we'll be right back with liev schreiber. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) or feet? try nervivenerve relief from the world's #1 selling nerve care company. nervive contains alpha lipoic acid to relieve occasional nerve aches, weakness and discomfort. try nervivenerve relief.
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napoleon was born and raised to conquer. but he was just kind of over it, you know. watching prime video he realized he should follow his dreams. so he ordered a microphone with prime next day delivery.
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now the only thing he cared about conquering was his audience.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a tony winning actor you've seen in "spotlight," "the french dispatch," and the showtime series "ray donovan." he now stars in, "ray donovan: the movie." >> i shouldn't have come tonight. >> and then what? i don't know. maybe none of this would have happened. >> you're probably right, none of it would have happened. >> no wife. no kids. no life. >> probably better for everyone if i had. >> that's some sacrifice, ray. you would be willing to give up all those years, all that
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life, just for him? >> please welcome back to "the late show," liev schreiber! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> i wasn't sure i'd ever see one of those again. >> stephen: nice to see you. thanks for coming back. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: you went through something recently, over christmas and new year's. you were stuck in chile. >> yeah, we have been planning this trip to the antarctic with the kids for years now. >> stephen: was this their idea, your idea.
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>> it was actually my friend taylor's idea. >> stephen: okay. and we get down, 12-hour flight to chile, and we get down there and bought all this expensive expedition gear because you need special clothes. >> stephen: sure. it's not habitable. >> we're not equipped to live down there, right. we're waiting to get on the plane and turns out one of the kids in our group, because we brought a lot of kids, had a positive covid test. yeah. so -- i wanted to kill him. ( laughter ) but i'm okay now and i'm okay with his dad, jeremy -- i love you. ( laughter ) so we're told by the people, they bring us back to this kind of concrete buncher, which is the only hotel in this area of chile, and tell us we have to stay there for seven days because of close contact. mind you, we have this adventure waiting for us. two days into that, i test positive. >> stephen: oh, man. and we cold front get these
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staggered positive tests. i spent the past 16 days in a concrete bunker. >> stephen: is this where you got the keyboard. >> right. so someone asked me if they could get me anything, which was very kind of them. i sawed it would be awesome if you could find me an electronic keyboard so i could practice. >> stephen: do you play? i didn't know you played. >> i do play. i mean, not like that, but i play a little bit. they found me an old-school casio keyboard. i said, casio? you couldn't find me anything bert than that? then i found the dance button. >> stephen: this is you with the dance button? >> this is deejay covid. >> stephen: jim. ♪♪ >> deejay covid! with the best music!
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: 16 days. 16 days. >> i figured now that ray's over, it's probably good to have some in my pocket. >> stephen: another lovely thing you've done, also -- this was uring covid, right, you were in venice shooting a film. >> the first covid. >> stephen: before we had vaccines or a plan. >> the crazy covid. last year. >> stephen: had you spent much time there before this? >> no, before the film festival i had been to venice. it's one of my favorite places in the world. so beautiful. >> stephen: magical. i like getting off the main pate time -- and i like to go to the side streets and see if i can find my way out before the rats eat me. >> yeah. >> stephen: because it's a little warren of streets, you can get lost in a minute. >> you have to know where you're going. >> stephen: yes. but for me, it was always
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packed with tourists and the film festival. now the venetians have their city back. it's empty. right now it's so beautiful to walk down the streets in the middle of the night. exquisite. >> stephen: back be more liev schreiber, everybody.>zwñia■ effects, including infections. ide while no cases of pml were reported in rms clinical trials, it could happen. tell your doctor if you had or plan to have vaccines, or if you are or plan to become pregnant. kesimpta may cause a decrease in some types of antibodies.
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we're back here with liev schreiber. liev, i told you the last time you were here how much i enjoyed your performance as yago in "a fellow," but do you ever wish you weren't a good actor? and i'll tell you why, here's what's behind it, is everybody goes, liev schreiber, he's a really good actor and you've done all this really good work, and then that guy always does a good job. don't you wish times you go, i'd just love to suck in the next thing. because you always put a lot of thought, character development, back story, focus, memorization, but if you weren't, like, really great like you are, you could suck sometimes and say, well, sometimes he success. >> reality is we suck most of the time, it's just that we don't go out and promote the things we suck in. >> stephen: so there are products if i really dug down deep i could find sucky liev schreiber out there?
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>> there's a lot of sucky stuff out there of mine. >> stephen: do you want to give any titles? >> nope. >> stephen: okay. your homework. >> stephen: showtime's " ray donovan " seven seasons ended in 2020. ray's back for a movie, after i told the folks. seven seasons, how many years is that for you. >> eight years. >> stephen: after playing a character for eight years, what's it like to go away and come back to that character and then like get back in the skin? >> this feels, in many ways, like -- because of covid and everything, this feels in many ways like the end to me, like being here with you right now, because we couldn't do this as a cast. i imagine you know, working on a television show for a long time, that you become a family with the people you work with. it got to the point for me with
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those actors, i don't know what to do in the morning without them. i wake up and i'm, like, where's eddie? and it's really been hard, but i'm glad it's over, because it's time to move on, but i can't say enough about how -- how much it meant to me to be working with those people for that long. >> stephen: you know, from my previous show, because i still get to work with the people with when we just came over from the old show, but i took stuff from the old show. did you? >> yeah, i took ray's wedding ring, and i took a medallion that he wears, which is, you know, ray's roman catholic, i'm a quarter roman catholic, so i kind of had to research the roman catholic thing. i decided i wanted to get him a st. christopher medallion.
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and i went to the catholic me cal dale anyone place downtown near wall street and he showed me all the medallions. i said i'm looking for a st. christopher but who's that anyone? st. y jenesius. i said who's that? he said, the patron saint of actors and prostitutes. ( laughter ) i thought, what are the chances they'd ever do a really good closeup on this thing. i got that, if anyone asks me, it's st. christopher but now that we're done i can say ray has been wearing the medallion of st. jenesius. >> seriously? >> stephen: given to me by a guy in chicago called pat finn. >> and you don't wear it? >> stephen: it's hanging on the mirror next to my s sap la, --scapula, you know, my holy
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cards. ( applause ) that's jeezy right there. actors, prostitutes, clowns -- which is why i was given it -- and i think thieves might be another one. >> i fall into all four categories. >> stephen: just shows you, when people are deciding what groups of people to get together, back a couple hundred years ago, actors and prostitutes, put them in there. very fine line between those. >> what did he do to get that? >> stephen: he was a lot overfun is what he was. and very forgiving. we have to take a quick break. when we come back, i'm going to ask liev if he's ever forgotten his lines on stage. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! we're back with liev schreiber. now, as we saw in the clip there, great alan alda plays your therapist in that, and you also appeared with him in "glen gary glen ross." i've interviewed alan and been lucky enough to have dinner with alan. he's a lovely fella. what's it like to share the stage with such an iconic figure. >> in the beginning, it was nerve racking because, you know,
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i sort of pinched myself because i couldn't believe i was there with him on stage, but we actually became really really close. we were a double act particularly in that play and it kind of continued kind koch like an abbott and costello thing. he was funnier so i was definitely like the abbott, like, you're crazy! and then he would do something. it was amazing working with him. you know, he would forget a line every once in a while. >> stephen: in the play or in "ray donovan"? >> pretty much everything. >> stephen: in "ray donovan," you can cut and try it again but on live broadway you kind of have to breathe through that moment. >> he's a real pro. he covered it beautifully. i remember the first time it happened to me, it was a horror show. as a young actor, i said, i'm not going to forget lines,eth an
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alan alda type thing. i was in a preview and the stage manager told the prompter who tells you your lines, liev is good at this, classical shakespeare, he's not going to forget the lines. i was giving the actress a look which is i'm screwed, can you help and she looked back at me and she was like -- and i gave her a second look which is i'm really really in trouble right now, and she went -- ( laughter ) and, so, i thought, i'm going to have to do it. i'm going to have to do the one thing i never dreamed of doing, and i went -- line. which is what you say when you can't remember your line. and i realized, after about 15 seconds of silence, which is interminable in a theater, that the prompter girl hadn't heard me. so i had to say it again. and louder. and i was, like -- line!
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and i realized she was on the wrong side of the stage and i hear her running behind the stage. the curtain goes, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump. she gets to this side and i hear a music stand fall down, and then she gives me a line from act two or one. i look over at janet and at that point, she said something, i can't remember what it was, but it got us out of it. but i have been so nice to alan alda ever since that happened to me. >> stephen: wow. yeah. >> stephen: wow. is that the only time it's ever happened to you? >> it's the only time i'm willing to talk about right now. ( applause ) >> stephen: liev, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you for having me! >> stephen: "ray donovan: the movie," premieres tomorrow on showtime. liev schreiber everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by allison russell. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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>> stephen: performing "persephone" from her three time grammy nominated album, "outside child," allison russell
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ blood on my shirt, two ripped buttons ♪ might've killed me that time, oh if i'd let him ♪ he's slow when he's drunk, and he lost his grip on me ♪ now i'm running down la rue st. paul ♪ trying to get out from the weight of it all ♪ can't flag a cop 'cause i know he won't stop ♪ i'll go see persephone tap tap tappin' ♪ on your window screen gotta let me in, ♪ persephone got nowhere to go, ♪ but i had to get away from him my petals are bruised, ♪ but i'm still a flower
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come runnin' to you ♪ in the violet hour put your skinny arms around me, ♪ let me taste your skin mouth to mouth, ♪ mouth to flower salty sweet, ♪ you give me power i feel you shake ♪ under my lips your fingers tender ♪ find my secrets don't make a sound, ♪ don't cry out, love your parents are sleeping ♪ just above i kiss you once, ♪ i kiss you twice fall asleep ♪ looking in each other's eyes tap tap tappin' ♪ on your window screen gotta let me in, ♪ persephone got nowhere to go, ♪ but i had to get away from him
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my petals are bruised, ♪ but i'm still a flower come runnin' to you ♪ in the violet hour put your skinny arms around me, ♪ let me taste your skin ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ light on your shoulder, ♪ light on your cheek light telling me ♪ it's time to leave the birds are calling ♪ to the morning your parents' feet ♪ above us stirring kiss your belly ♪ before i go climb back outta your ♪ basement window back to the cold's bite,
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♪ back to the hard life back to the harsh bright street ♪ tap tap tappin' on your window screen ♪ gotta let me in, persephone ♪ got nowhere to go, but i had to get away from him ♪ my petals are bruised, but i'm still a flower ♪ come runnin' to you in the violet hour ♪ put your skinny arms around me, ♪ let me taste your skin ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ my petals are bruised, but i'm still a flower ♪ come runnin' to you in the violet hour ♪ put your skinny arms around me, ♪ let me taste your skin ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: allison russel, everybody goodnight that's it for the late show. tune in tomorrow when my guest will be billions star, corey stoll. goodnight. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show-oh-oh the late late show woo! ♪ the late late show-oh-ho the late late show-oh-oh!


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