the late show with stephen colbert is next. thanks for watching. the captioning sponsored by cbs >> the former president of the united states, donald trump, calling putin a genius right now.

>> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight: troops, there it is! plus, stephen welcomes: "the circus." and comedian russell howard. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause )

( cheers and applause ) is ( cheers and applause ) >> du>> stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the show, everybody. please have a seat, folks. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) tensions are really escalating between russia and ukraine, as vladimir putin continues his naked aggression. naked from the waist up. is ( laughter ) russia has had troops massed at the border for months, and russian officials, like sergey lavrov and tucker carlson, have been saying, "it's just a military exercise." and the biden administration has been warning, "that's all lies. nobody masses three-quarters of

their standing army on the border of a country they said doesn't exist and then doesn't invade." and tonight, you really get a vibe right now that the borscht is about to hit the fan. so don't forget, after the show, stick around for "ryan seacrest's rockin' world war iii eve." here's what's transpired in the last 24 hours. immediately after putin unilaterally declared that two breakaway ukrainian provinces were now independent nations, the russian military moved into donetsk. that is shocking. 1,490 rubles for an iron?! ( laughter ) i wouldn't pay more than 500 kopeks. this is only the beginning, because today, the u.s. warned the ukrainian government that the latest intelligence points to a full-scale russian invasion imminently. their first clue? the 190,000 troops with the bang-bang sticks and the all-steel shoot-mobiles. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that warning courtesy of the u.s. state duh-partment. sure enough, this afternoon we learned that russia moved nearly 100% of its troops into

invasion-ready position. of course, we can see all this with our satellites. no one doesn't see what's coming. but the kremlin has claimed that rebel leaders in eastern ukraine have asked russia for military help to fend off ukrainian aggression. yes, they say ukraine is the aggressor, just like tokyo was asking for it by taunting godzilla. ( laughter ) today, ukrainian president zelensky declared a 30-day state of emergency, calling up all military reservists between the ages of 18 and 60. wow. 18 and 60. as a 57-year-old myself, let me just say i'm flattered, but really? there's a reason i don't run out here anymore, because right around here, my supply lines start to break down. a platoon of 60-year-olds makes no sense.

the russians will hear our knees popping from a mile away ( applause ) can the our" is a strong word. they're gonna keep leaving the battlefield to pee, and where are they supposed to plug in their water pics and cpap machines? ( laughter ) ( applause ) do the ukrainian military tents even have walk-in bath tubs. also, the ukrainian government will now allow ordinary civilians to carry firearms. that's right. the situation is so dire-- ukraine has become texas. is ( laughter ) ( applause ) president biden-- texas! don't mess with ukraine. you don't mess with ukraine. president biden has already started making putin pay for his invasion imposing sanctions on two of russia's most prominent banks. and on a more personal note, two of putin's closest officials sanctioning the sons of two of putin's closest officials. if he's going after the children of putin's cronies, can i suggest a couple?

( laughter ) ( applause ). i would love it. that's right. personally-- >> jon: there they go. there they go. >> stephen: i would love it, especially later in the summer. russia's acting nonchalant. their ambassador to the u.s. tweeted, "it is hard to imagine that someone in #washington is counting on-- russian flag emoji-- to revise its foreign policy under the threat of sanctions. i don't remember a single day when our country lived without any restrictions from the western world." "sanctions, shmanctions. great russian people love suffering. we don't need decadent western apple phone. i type this tweet on actual potato phone. ( laughter ) hello? it is my friend the dictator. i kid. i kid. there is no one there. is potato." ( laughter ) is potato. some people-- ( cheers and applause )

ed some people were disappointed that the sanctions weren't harsher. ukraine's foreign minister tweeted, "to stop putin from further aggression, we call on partners to impose more sanctions on russia now. first, decisive steps were taken yesterday, and we are grateful for them. now the pressure needs to step up to stop putin. hit his economy and cronies. hit more. hit hard. hit now. is this guy a foreign minister or kiev's morning d.j.? "hit more. hit hard. and keep those hits coming! hits from the 80s, 90s, and today! up next, it's a zeppelin rock block on sanctions at 7! you're listening to wukr with crazy dimitri and the bear! rawr!" ( cheers and applause ) ♪ i don't want to work i just want to bang on the drum all day ♪ the u.s. acknowledges that sanctions didn't go as far as they could have gone, but this is just the first tranche. if putin escalates his

aggression, the administration is considering far stiffer penalties, including blocking russia from access to the u.s. dollar. oh, really? bet you'd like to get your hands on this, wouldn't you, vlad? want me to introduce you to my friend george? mmm, smells like wooden tooth. mmm. ( laughter ) you want this? shake it up for daddy, vladdy. ( cheers and applause ) today more countries agreed to jump on the sanction bus, including canada, japan, and australia. oh, you do not want to mess with the aussies, because they're gonna send this guy. ( laughter ) so-- kangaroo had it coming. the kangaroo-- >> jon: man, come on, man >> stephen: so it looks like putin's gonna start a deadly ground war that will trigger steep sanctions, and no doubt cause pain for the russian people. so why is he doing it? some analysts think he's got covid-induced paranoia.

and i get it. i mean, at one point, at the height of the pandemic, i started to think that evie had watched the next episode of "bridgerton" without me, and i fired heavy artillery into the breakfast nook. ( laughter ) so far, every western democracy stands in solidarity opposing putin with the possible exception of the republican party, especially their dear leader, former president super callous fragile racist sexist nazi potus. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. there you go. i'll take it. >> jon: mary poppin's fans. >> stephen: yesterday, he was the fourth caller on some radio show, and he waxed autocratic about the russian leader: >> i went in yesterday, and there was a television screen, and i said, "this is genius." >> stephen: yes, he couldn't believe it: how do they get the people in there? ( laughter ) he went on:

is. >> putin declares it as independent. it that's wonderful. so putin is saying it's independent, a large section of ukraine. i said how smart is that had? >> stephen: we haven't seen a president cheer on the russians this hard since the cuban missile crisis when eisenhower wore the t-shirt, "khrushchev is a zaddy!" then the former president's admiration took an even stranger turn: >> and he's gonna go in and be a peacekeeper. that's the strongest peace force. we could use that on our southern border. >> stephen: so, he wants moscow to invade mexico? "okay, you heard the man. let's gas up the tanks and go annex cancun. i'm going to rename it 'comrade frog's.' shots! shots! shots! start firing the shots!" in other-- ( cheers and applause ) sure. sure. in other alarming news, florida, where the g.o.p. has advanced

its "don't say gay" bill in the house. ( audience boos ) this is going to be awful for florida's l.g.b.t.q. community, and its karaoke bars. ( as emcee ) "and next up is jamie singing 'sexual healing' by marvin redacted." ( laughter ) ♪ ♪ ♪ this bill, which the republicans call the "parental rights in education" bill, stipulates that classroom instruction on sexual orientation or gender identity may not occur in kindergarten through third grade. not mentioning gender identity could make it hard to start class: "good morning, boys and girls... aaand i'm fired." ( laughter ) on the plus side, the first day of fourth grade is gonna get super interesting: "all right. brandon, shut the door. there's a whole lotta cool stuff we've been keeping from you ( cheers and applause ) don't tell the third graders." or i'm-- ( cheers and applause ) that's good. that's good. this bill would also give

parents the power to sue violators. i hate to break it to you, parents, but whoever's trying to sue a teacher is going to be super disappointed. "i'm gonna sue you for all you've got! i'm taking your stubby glue sticks and every last one of your copies of "red badge of courage" that you had to buy yourself! that will teach you to teach!" we've got a great show for you tonight. my guests are the hosts of showtime's "the circus." but when we come back, another installment of stephen colbert's "roman-splaining." ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause )

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jon, jon, i hold in my hands, i have the questions right here for my guests tonight from showtime's "the circus." we can john heilemann, mark mckinnon, and jennifer palmieri. we're here to talk about what's happening in the world, in politics here and around the world. award-winning show, it is. you know it is an award winning show? you answered? are they-- it's got to be. ( applause ) we've got awards. they've got to have an awards. they're way more important than we are. they're on showtime. isn't that fancier? a very fancy group of people coming out here in just a moment. is folks, i love a lot of things, but most of all, i love love. 3 and i love that i love it. even the word. the "l," the "o," the "v," and sexiest of them all, that silent "e." who is she? what's she hiding? what isn't she saying? and you singles already know

that dating apps have dominated the scene for almost a decade, but people are souring on them, because word on the street is that gen z is ready to break up with tinder. that's right, tinder is cheugy high-key sus no cap, fam. ( laughter ) okay. and i don't have to explain to you what any of that means. with tinder on the decline, there's a slew of new dating apps filling the void. and i'll tell you all about them in my loverly segment: ♪ ♪ ♪ >> roman-splaining with stephen colbert. dating apps edition. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: first up to fill the app gap is "snack," which describes itself as "not your parents' dating app." that is great news, because no one wants to accidentally match with their mom: "wow, this one seems really great. we have so much in common-- same hometown, same last name-- oh, my god!"

next up in the love machines is the actual new app "schmooze," which will show you memes to evaluate what kind of humor you like. at that point, you'll receive a "hashtag match-rec" with someone whose humor allegedly matches yours, the theory here being if you share your sense of humor, you're more likely to find them sexually attractive. for instance, you here laughed at many of my jokes in the monologue, and that's why they had to shoot me from the waist up. even-- ( cheers and applause ) is and why i'm sitting down right now. ( laughter ) even last-gen dating apps are trying to up their game, because bumble has acquired the gen z dating app "fruitz," where users can specify their preferences for what kind of relationship they wish to find. if they post a watermelon, they're looking for "friend with benefits." a cherry means they want a

serious, long-term relationship. grape indicates they want to meet someone over a drink. and for some reason, on fruitz the peach means that they're only interested in kissing. ( laughter ) ( applause ) though, i do want to point out, it doesn't say what you're kissing.y ( laughter ) hopefully, on "fruitz," you can soon also offer a nice tossed salad with eggplant, then run through your sprinkler. clearly, clearly, it's the wild west of dating apportunities out there. and papa wants to get his peach wet. which is why tonight i'm launching my new line of colbert-proprietary dating apps, each with a cool new gimmick guaranteed to make you say: "all right." first up, if you enjoyed fruitz, why not try its sister app, "vegetablez." vegetablez is the app with its own hyper-specific sexual emoji

codes. for instance, broccoli means you like it roughage. ( laughter ) if you don't like snack, you might try "rex," which actually is your parents' dating app. it's perfect for anyone who is fleeing a prophesy of patricide, solves the sphinx's riddle, accidentally sleeps with their mom, then gouges out their eyes in despair. ( laughter ) and, finally, if you're hungry for love but find the pantry is bare, why not order out by visiting grub-hump? that's where we send you your favorite meal, and you are automatically matched with your delivery driver because-- ( applause ) come on. seems nice. seems nice. because no one understands you like the man who knows that all three of those sesame chickens are really for you. we'll be right back with the hosts of showtime's "the circus." ( cheers and applause ). ♪ ♪ ♪

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♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody.

joining me now are the hosts of showtime's political docuseries, "the circus." please welcome john heilemann, mark mckinnon, and jennifer palmieri, everybody! ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome, y'all. >> thank you. >> stephen: jennifer, lovely to have you on. >> great to be here. >> stephen: listen, you're all people who have worked for presidents, reported on presidents. russia, this invasion of ukraine is a big test for the president, especially just after their first year started here. this feels a little bit like the old days when i was a kid and bresh 97 would send out andre grameko to talk about whichever

way the russian bear was poking the eagle this time. a new president would always be tested to see what their reaction is to soviet aggression. does this have an echo for you? >> i was thinking back when we were on your show before, the first time we were on, we announced the results when president trump became president. >> stephen: i remember. i tried to forget it, but i-- >> i know. the last time was the week of the insurrection. now, this week we're on when ukraine is invaded. next time you want to call us... but, yes, this is the biggest test, obviously, of biden's presidency. and some would argue this is what he's built for, given his background as an internationalist, as somebody who builds alliances. i mean, the thing that's interesting to think about the scenario right now is what would be happening if president trump was president right now who is such a putin fan. we would probably with the occupation force s. >> stephen: what do you think of the case he's made so far. biden has addressed the country

a couple of times, and he put in a couple of tranches of sanctions and there are bigger ones coming down the pike. he has to make the case to the american people, even though we're not going to send in troops, even though we're not going to fire bullets, ukraine matters. >> as we sit rear right now-- first of all, the invasion has already started. the full scale invasion seems imminent. if vladimir putin is in kyiv the next week, you're talking about hundreds of thousands of dead. you're talking about the largest land war in europe since world war ii. it's like a world historical event. and i would say that up until this moment, people think biden has done a pretty good job in the context of dealing with someone who is not a mad man but someone who is not amenable to normal forms of diplomatic pressure and persuasion. nobody in america right now wants there to be american troops there. the notion that sanctions are the best tool we have and we're going to keep ratcheting them up.

how do you keep the allies together? he's done that so far. nato has been steadfast. he's kept that unity of purpose that putin doubted. >> jen, let's talk about the give the mouse a cookie aspect of this. you you were working at the white house when putin seized crimea, without losing a man, by the way. it swept over crimea. what is it like internally in the white house deal with putin when he's on a war footing. >> that was february of 2014, to sort of place everyone. and it was stunning and surreal because you think-- you know, i think at the time we probably, in retrospect, underestimated what putin's ambitions really were. because we thought he was acting as a rational being. and you just did not-- we did not think he would really do this. is he really going to be-- it is he really going to annex a country for the first time, an independent country, for the first time since world war ii? like, will he really be that irrational? , and i also remember at the

time, it's afghanistan, it's syria, all these other things happening in foreign policy. so i don't think that we appreciated what he was willing to do. then in the intervening eight years, he's gotten stronger, consolidated his power, his military is stronger. and just all that more dangerous. but, you know, in that moment, when you're in the white house, you're having to decide, i don't want to misread this. is this-- is this him trying to regain the soviet union? or is this a small annexation of a country that america doesn't really care about? and, you know, getting that balance right hundreds of thousands of lives are in the-- are at stake? >> stephen: we have to take's break, but when we come back i will ask these smart folks why so many republicans are pulling for putin? stick around. ( cheers and applause ). ♪ ♪ ♪

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♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ). >> stephen: hey, everybody, we're back with the hosts of "the circus." ed jennifer palmieri, mark mckinnon, and john heilemann. mark,s war is a tragedy, an unmitigated tragedy, even when justified. and politics is often called war by other means, or a proxy for war so that we don't have to use violence. what are the politics of this moment right now? because as i was-- we've talked about here and hinted in my last question, there has been a very

strange shift for the republican party in the united states-- again, i'm old enough to remember grameko, remember the republican party always willing to stand up to autocratic regimes that tried to crush democracy. why this change? >> it's stunning what's happening geopolitically with putin, not a rational actor. mitt romney was right in 2012 and everybody laughed at him. it's just shocking to me-- one of the central tenets of the ideological ground floor of the republican party was antiauthoritarianism, particularly anti-russia, putin actors. and to see what's happening now, among the republican party, joe biden is twice as unpopular as vladimir putin in the republican party. so that tells you how political things have become. that people-- people are supporting putin just because they think it will make biden weaker. in other words, they're root ago they want to win so badly, it

doesn't matter what's right or wrong. it just matters who wins. and if they think putin is the strong man in this case, and as donald trump said yesterday, "it's a genius move." >> i want to make two point, one of which is i don't think that it's right that vladimir putin is not a rational actor. i think it's wrong to think that. when you hear talks about camps and lists, it calls to mind hitler, and he's not hitler. and it calls to mind stalin, and he's not stalin. he's something else, and i think he may in some ways be as evil as those who and as driven by a kind of sense of kind of grand historical place in history that he's trying to reach for now, as the the restorer of the union. mike mcfaul, the former ambassador to russia for the united states, made this point with me on television yesterday. he pointed out, he said putin has fought in the following wars: chechnya 99, georgia 2008, syria in 2015. he's had a lot of experience fighting wars, won them all. i mean, you could say he's a

nut. you could also say the guy's fought five wars and won them all, and he thinks he's going to win again, because he thinking the west is weak and divided. and that's my second point which gets to mark's thing and what je n said. before 2016, vladimir putin decided he was going to gauge in a systematic campaign of misinformation, disinformation, divide the american people, and sow distrust and division within the republican scpeart within our country. he got donald trump elected, or helped get donald trump elected. and now we have a more divided country than we've ever had before, and we have a republican party where donald trump, mike pompeo, the senator who shook fist-- the guy from missouri. >> josh hawley. >> the bird handed insurrectionist, josh hawley. they're all out there saying at this moment when putin is thinking about launching a war that will kill hundreds of thousands of people, "he's really clever. he's formidable. he's doing something really smart here." that is exactly-- i was going to

say insane, immoral, horrible. but it's also what putin wanted and what he planned. to come back to the politics of this. vladimir putin has a lot of things on his mind-- land in europe, his place in history, but also american domestic politics. and this is a test of joe biden, and there is no doubt vladimir putin would rather see donald trump in the white house in 2024 than joe biden back in there, and if he could weaken biden in the process it's a win for him. >> stephen: we have to take a quick break, and we'll be back with more with mark mckinnon, john heilemann, and jennifer palmieri from "the circus." ♪♪ come on. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪

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be in your moment. ask your doctor about ibrance. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ). >> stephen: hey, everybody, we're back here from showtime's "the circus." jennifer palmieri, mark mckinnon, and john heilemann. next week is biden's first state of the union. he addressed last year, but it is his first state of the union. we're live. please join us. i would hate to stay up late for is nothing. what are you looking for? what do you expect this to be? >> i worked as the white house communications director, and the state of the union is the most important moment, the biggest audience, where you tell the country what you're going to do, frame up the choice for november. in this case, you want to be talking about kitchen table issues. you don't want to be talking about ukraine. but i think the choice of the the white house is wrestling with right now is how do we deal with ukraine? is it an issue we just talk about as sort of a side issue,

or do we go big and make the arc of the speech that the battle for the country globally right now is autocracy versus democracy. it's happening abroad. this is an example how it's happening abroad. it's happening at home. next week in texas there's a primary march 1. the mai mail-in ballots are beig thrown out by the thousands because of the real voter i.d. he could make the argument that this is the same war that's happening and go, you know, it's not how you would nrmdly use a state of the union, but i do think that's what's happening now. that is what this moment is about, and that's what presidential leadership would call for. >> and i think there's, to go back to the point we were taltalking about before, i hateo be debbie downer here today, and i do-- i do think, you know, the reality is-- again, hundreds of thousands of people dead in ukraine, and people being

shipped off to camps is going to sober-- is going to clarify the mind for a lot of people. we haven't seen anything like that. since the iraq war there hasn't been a real war. this will be the biggest european land war since world war ii. in a moment like that, the pressure on joe biden, when he says, "sanctions" over and over again, the pressure for it to be more than sanctions are going to be enormous. there will be a lot of people saying sanctions are not enough. if vladimir putin is butchering people, is that going to be enough? he's going to have to make the case-- start to make the case at the state of the union. and to jen's point, it has to be a discussion about how autocracy is in march across the world. it's happening in hungry. in canada. a french election where there will be an issue on the far right a month from now. and we've got cpac is going to go and do a satellite offshoot of cpac in victor orbin's hungary at the end of march. where donald trump is-- orrin's begging trump to come, along with i'm sure tucker carlson

will broadcast live there for three straight weeks. that's the fight now. this is a-- this is connected to a large global thing. and it's about saving american democracies and saving democracy around the world. and vladimir putin is helping joe biden in that sense because he's putting a very pine point on what the stakes are. >> stephen: at the end of the last season-- season seven starts march 6-- and i would say the majority of seasons of the show happened during the previous administration. and the lead-up to that administration as well. you've had one year outside, with a new administration. "a," how does it feel to be doing the show under these new conditions? and, "b," you ended last season hopefully. how do you start-- >> one of us did. >> stephen: well, mark did. >> and one of us didn't. >> stephen: mark felt like the world was-- the country was in a better place. >> i'm a prisoner of hope. >> stephen: what's your hope leading forward? ( applause ) let's end with some hope, mark. no pressure. >> listen, you know, my hope is

that that biden was elected-- i think a lot of people say we thought he was going to be f.d.r. he didn't get elected to be f.d.r. he got elected to not be donald trump and be a stabilizing normal force. and i think part of the challenge of him is the expectations were so high. and i think this is-- he's got the biggest challenge, not just in his life, maybe the country's country dealing with ukraine. and his background, again, he could be the man for the moment, given his experience in the international sphere, creating alliances with nato, putting that together. and at the end of the day, that's where i'm hopeful. this guy has been through this drill before and knows how to do this. >> put a fine point on this. the last season, we had trump running in 2016. we had four years of trump. last season was we were supposed to be done with donald trump. no such luck. the thing we all wish upon a star for, stephen, is that by some magic fairy dust or some act of god, that we'll eventually get to do a "circus"

season where we never have to say the word "trump." ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: season seven of "the circus" premieres march 6 on showtime. john heilemann, mark mckinnon, and jennifer palmieri, everybody! we'll be right back with comedian russell howard. thanks y'all.

♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) is. >> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back. is ladies and gentlemen, you know my next guest from "the russell howard hour" and his netflix stand up special "lubricant." please welcome russell howard! ( cheers and applause ) >> hello! hello! look at this. i love gigging in america. you're so happy. ( laughter ) you're applauding yourself. we are, we are. of i did a show in england recently, and i was joking about my lazy eye, and this man stood

up in the middle of the room and went, "i don't like it." ( laughter ) "i don't like it when you joke about your eye, because i have got a lazy eye." surely if anyone can, you can look the other way. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so you don't mind that. he disagreed. he was very upset. physically and metaphorically, we couldn't see eye to eye. we have to laugh at ourselves. we have to. particularly if you're british. we're a ludicrous nation. there was a headline that genuinely said, "can hackers secretly control our hot tubs?" ( laughter ) how good is your life if that's a genuine concern? "i can't sleep, roger. it's the jacuzzi. we're being hacked." ( laughter ) "it's the russians, rog." "there's some operative in moscow. shall we destabilize their

economy?" "no." "should we further invade ukraine?" "no, let's head to britain. let's make the outside bath less bubbly than they desire." and this article went on. apparently, hackers can control your fridge, your tv, and my favorite, your sex toy. again, it's not likely, isn't it, even if they could. what's the worse that would happen? ( laughter ) you'll have a lovely orgasm, at the very least. that is a great excuse. "i can't stop it, bryan, it's vladimir putin." think it. think it through. five times he's got me doing it today! what's the worst that can happen? it's not like there's going to be remote-control sex toys leaping out of cubbards chasing british men down the street. you're not going to be switching on the bbc, five more people today were dill doughed to death. the footage is shocking, but we have their final words.

"oh, yeah! oh, hell, yeah." we have to laugh at ourselves. laughter is the lubericant that makes life livable. and human beings are weird. we blame animals for our creepy behavior. you have noticed that? you know the phrase "catfish." someone goes on line, tends to be someone else. catfish don't do that. ( laughter ) they're not in the say ( bleep ) of a dolphin. ( laughter ) we blame animals all the time. if you ever sign wolf whistle? have you ever seen a banler badger. have you ever seen an elephant in a room go go, "i know?" no, that's us, because we're weird. particularly online. we behave online the way we never would in real life. instagram iy greaple. you can see a picture of a girl

in a bikini and you can like it. imagine doing that in real life? "i like that. that is all right, that is. give me the eggplant. i'm going to wave a vegetable at a girl i don't know." we live in baffling times. look at politics. the left are too left and she right are too right. covid's not real. we need real guns. and the left are just as bad-- "what are we going to call female fishermen?" it is real, vajanglers. can we not discuss something that matters. look at british politics. it's proof that cream can rise to the top, but turds can float there, too. our leader is boris johnson. ours is asleep. yours is passed out.

you never know what is going to tumble out of his mouth. his brains is like cards against humanity. here's an interesting thing-- did you know that countries run by women did better in the pandemic than the ones run by men. ( cheers and applause ). that is such a great-- it's an amazing reaction. the women were all cheering and you feel all the feals going, "well, you know, i was never given the opportunity." ( laughter ) "sure, i can't run a fantasy football team, but i could definitely..." it makes total sense to me. all the women i know are compassionate, good in a crisis. i was on the tube in london recently and a lady got stuck in the train door. and her friend rescued her. they're like, "sara." they were stroking her hair. "i was scared, girl, i was scared." if that was a man, he'd still be in the door. "seriously.

say hello to tiktok, mate. you're going viral." ( laughter ) it makes total sense to me pup know, the female leaders. they looked after their nations like mums. that's what moms do, isn't it? they protect you. they warn you about things you didn't even consider. remember when upper five and minding your own business your mom was like, don't run with scissors." "all right, i wasn't planning on it." "don't put a knife in a plug socket." "again, not on my to-do list." this is the weirdest. when you're eight, "don't put two pencils up your nose and smash your head on a desk." "thank god you're here, mom. we were literally about to play suicide walrus. how did you know?" thank you so much for having me. it was an absolute pleasure. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you can catch russell on the u.s. leg of his world comedy tour, "respite." tickets are available at his website.

russel howard, everybody! thanks, russell. that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be julia ioffe and thomas lennon. james corden is next. good night, y'all. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show-oh-oh the late late show woo! ♪ the late late show-oh-ho the late late show-oh-oh!