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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  April 8, 2022 11:50pm-12:52am PDT

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> chaos at the oscars! will smith storming the stage and slapping chris rock, after a joke directed at the actor's wife. >> so, just a short time later, smith won the academy award for best actor. >> he gets a thunderous, long ovation from the crowd, just 40 minutes after he assaulted chris rock on stage. ( scattered applause ) >> thank you. um-- um-- ladies and gentlemen, if you will, look right here. ( sci-fi memory wipe zap )
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( cheers and applause ) >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, talking smack. plus, stephen welcomes: chris wallace! and wilmer valderrama! featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) >> stephen: oh, hey! you are perfect everywhere. ( band playing ) >> stephen: what's up? good to see you. good to see you. what's going on?
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happy... happy monday! happy monday! ( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. you're too kind. please. please, have a seat, my friends. welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) it is-- it is-- it is monday-- unless you're chris rock, because i'm pretty sure he got slapped into next week. ( laughter ) now-- ( rim shot ) thank you! that's really early-- that's really early in the monologue for a rim shot. thank you. now, for those of you who missed it, last night, chris was presenting the oscar for best documentary, and he made an unflattering joke about jada pinkett smith that her husband, will smith, apparently did not like. what makes me think that? this. >> oh, wow! wow. will smith just smacked the ( bleep ) out of me. >> stephen: wow, indeed. that's the worst thing will
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smith has ever done-- wait, i forgot about "wild, wild west." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) he's not-- he's not-- ( laughter and applause ) he's not here, is he? he's not around here? i'm kidding, obviously. the worst thing he's ever done is "gemini man." ( laughter ) someone should slap both of the guys in that movie. ( laughter ) this is going to go down in oscar history as one of the most chaotic moments of all time. it's up there with the streaker behind david niven in 1974, brando sending up sacheen littlefeather in 1973, or in 1959 when tony curtis sack-tapped bob hope. ( laughter ) let me-- let me-- let me say something here as an objective observer: it's never okay to punch a comedian. ( applause ) now... ( laughter ) where do i find the courage?
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where do i find the courage? i've got to say it! will smith was offended by the joke, and wanted to stand up to his wife. fine. challenge chris to a duel. or, if you really want to hurt a comedian: don't laugh. ( laughter ) that hurts way more than a punch, i promise you! ( cheers and applause ) but, it does-- see, that's-- that's-- ( applause ) but this does prove one thing: chris rock can take a punch. i mean, we're the same age. he's 57 years old, and a comedian-- look at this: pow! chris just shakes it off with one step! will smith trained for months to play mohammed ali. i have met will smith. okay, i have spoken to the man right over there. he's got a hand like a flank steak. ( laughter ) if will wanted to hit somebody, he should have picked on somebody more appropriate, like jason momoa, or, or liza minnelli. ( laughter )
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at this point-- at this point, she's clearly unkillable. she is-- she's going to live forever. ( laughter ) today, we learned-- and i can't believe this. this shows what a big guy he is. chris is not pressing any charges, okay. but of course, this is hollywood, and there are rules. you can't just storm a stage, physically assault someone, on-camera, and then go back to your seat. there have to be consequences! like winning the oscar for best actor and receiving a standing ovation, then partying all night! who says hollywood sends a bad message to our kids? "you see that, johnny? you see that? you solve your problems with violence, and everyone will love you and give you golden statues. now, off to the after-party, mr.-- you've got a lot of your own music to dance to. no, you get jiggy with it, mr.! go get jiggy! go, go!" ( cheers and applause ) "hundred-thousand dollar cars, everybody got 'em! water so clear, see straight to the bottom! you are going to miami!" ( laughter )
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but however you feel about celebrity-on-celebrity violence, and apparently you love it, because the oscar's ratings showed a 56% improvement. so, get ready for next year's 95th academy awards, "oscar slaptacular death match." five nominees enter, one exits. ( applause ) ridiculous! ridiculous! ridiculous! across the globe, in ukraine, putin's criminal war continues to grind ahead, but for russia, this has not been a cakewalk. or as they call it, a turnip jog. ( laughter ) over the past few weeks, russian forces have suffered heavy losses and have been thwarted in their primary objectives: to control the country's main cities, including kyiv. so, the russian military has now announced a change of strategy. over the weekend, russia said the first phase of the war is over. yes! over! everything's going according to plan. that plan? "phase one: we lose.
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phase two: war is over, we win!" ( cheers and applause ) that's-- ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) i don't have the knees-- i don't have the knees for it. i don't have the knees for it. new objective is to split the country between regions it controls and regions it does not. you know you're starting to scare the school bully when he goes from "give me your lunch money" to "i'll tell you what, you keep your lunch money, i'll keep my lunch money, and i'll limit my wedgies to your butt's eastern regions." ( laughter ) this weekend, president biden traveled over to europe to shore up the nato alliance, show support for ukraine, and rally all the world's allies. the president gave a stirring speech in warsaw, and then he ended it with a little, you know, ad-lib. a little free-ball. a litle make-'em-up, that was 100% pure scrappy scranton:
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>> ukraine will never be a victory for russia-- for free people refuse to live in a world of hopelessness and darkness. for god's sake, this man cannot remain in power. >> stephen: "come on, jack, i know i'm not supposed to say it- come on. come on, let's just do it. let's just-- i'm just-- ( cheers and applause ) i'm not supposed to say it, but putin's got to hop the next choo-choo to bye-bye junction, okay? i'm shootin' straight from the hip replacement here. i'm not afraid to say the stuff we're all thinking, okay? chris rock was out of line. i'll tell you what, if he made a crack about dr. jill, i'd have jumped up on that stage and given his finger a good chomp down to knuckle number two. then i'd win the oscar for most teeth, come on, wanda!" now, officially, american policy is not to call for regime change, so this was a bit of a gaffe. but when you've already called someone a "butcher" and a "war criminal," it would seem weird if you also thought they should keep their job.
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there's a reason winston churchill never said this: ( laughter ) >> stephen: on sunday-- sunday? on sunday. on sunday, secretary of state antony blinken tried to walk back the president's remarks. >> as you know, and you've heard us say repeatedly, we do not have a strategy of regime change in russia, or anywhere else for that matter. >> stephen: "we do not have a strategy of regime change in russia, or anywhere else." that's an interesting point. here with a rebuttal is saddam hussein's head in a box! ( laughter ) president hussein-- president hussein, is there anything you would like to say? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
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there are some exceptions. whether or not we're officially trying to replace putin, america and its allies continue to sanction his nipples right down to the nub. and he's pushing back. over the weekend, he gave a speech in which he took up the conservative talking point that opposing his war is "cancel culture." "they will cancel mother russia just like they did mr. potato head's beautiful penis. his penis... is potato. ( laughter ) get that out there. disturbing to look at that box for too long. ( laughter ) putin also compared himself to "harry potter" author j.k. rowling, who's come under fire for repeatedly tweeting anti-trans sentiments. vlad said, "not long ago, they canceled children's author j.k. rowling, whose books were spread all over the world in hundreds of millions of copies, because she did not please fans of so-called gender freedoms. today they are trying to abolish an entire 1,000-year-old
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country, our people." no surprise putin likes rowling. he's indebted to her ever since she gave him the sock that set him free. ( laughter and applause ) that was a long walk. that was a long walk, right? but worth it. >> that's a long walk. worth the wait. worth the wait. ( applause ) >> stephen: back closer to home, there's more dumb stuff coming out of the mouth of north carolina republican and frat bro telling the pledges where to shove that wriggling goldfish, madison cawthorn. cawthorn recently appeared on something called "the warrior poet society." sounds like a ridiculous name, but i have a lot of respect for warrior poets. do you have any idea how long it takes to write a sonnet with an ar-15? gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-- shall... gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-- i... gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-- gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-- compare thee... gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-- ( laughter and applause ) on the society-- on the society,
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cawthorn explained why-- why you should never meet your heroes. >> the sexual perversion that goes on in washington, i mean, being kind of a young guy in washington, where the average age is probably 60 or 70-- and i look at all these people, and a lot of them that i've, you know, looked up to through my life, always paid attention to politics, guys that, you know-- then, all the sudden you get invited to-- like, "well, hey, we're going to have kind of a sexual get-together at one of our homes, you should come!" and i'm like, what did you just ask me to come to? and then you realize they're asking you to come to an orgy. >> stephen: yeah. it took him a moment to realize it was an orgy, because "sexual get-together" is so subtle. ( laughter ) come naked and ready for sex with your penis. ( laughter ) now, cawthorn does not name names here, but he's such a staunch maga republican, i doubt he's getting invited to the democratic orgies. and the strangely folksy nature of "sexual get-together" means
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he must be talking about the famed republican flesh pit: chuck grassley's ass jamboree. "welcome-- welcome to the sexual get-together. there'll be some crewing and chewing, some poking and stroking; some yanking and spanking. we're going to be a various jellies on various bellies. and there's a platter of fishsticks, obviously. so, grab a name tag and some nipple clamps and get right in. i'm chuck grassley, and i approve this massage." ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight! ( cheers and applause ) my guests are chris wallace and "ncis'" wilmer valderrama. but when we come back, somebody's in trouble with the january 6 committee! can you guess who? ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: give it up for the band, everybody! right there! "stay human"! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) louis cato, everybody, on the guitar there. louis, i've got two fantastic guests here tonight: friend of the show and new resident of cnn, of all places-- chris wallace is here tonight. ( cheers and applause ) and, more alphabet soup-- from "ncis," wilmer valderrama is going to be out here in just a litte bit. ( cheers and applause ) louis, let's-- let's talk about the elephant not in the room. where is jon? where is he? >> you know, he's living his best life. 11 grammy nominations. >> stephen: oh, that's right, the grammys are-- ( cheers and applause ) the grammys are-- a week from-- is it monday? is it monday or sunday? >> i think sunday. >> stephen: sunday, or something like that? and with that many nominations, you have to start, like, giving them out ahead of time.
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>> early, yeah. >> stephen: he has to go out there on the installment plan. did you-- did you watch the oscars last night? >> i did not. i woke up to it this morning. >> stephen: yeah. >> whoo! >> stephen: you know who woke up-- ( laughter ) >> chris rock. >> stephen: chris rock. ( laughter ) when will smith slapped him. do you think that was real? >> i think it was real. >> stephen: yeah. will's not a good enough actor to pull that off. ( laughter and applause ) >> whoa! whoa! whoa! >> stephen: pop! ( laughter ) the january 6 select committee continues to do their work, and today, they got some good news that spells trouble for former president, "don con jovi." because a federal judge ruled that the former president "more likely than not" committed a crime in trying to block the confirmation of biden's win. i believe he cited the legal precedent of "no ( bleep ) v. sherlock." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
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the bombshell-- the bombshell is part of the ongoing investigation into disgraced lawyer john eastman, seen here at the staged reading of his one-man "doctor who" musical. ( laughter ) eastman was the law professor who believed that former vice president mike pence could just reject individual states' electoral college votes. first of all, no. second of all, you want to give somebody unlimited power, and you pick mike pence? ( laughter ) he doesn't even have the power to be in a room with a woman who's not his wife. ( laughter ) the committee has been trying to get eastman's records and emails for months now. he's been claiming attorney- client privilege. but that doesn't apply to lawyers who help their clients commit a crime. and in this case, the judge found that "the illegality of the plan was obvious." yeah! eastman-- ( cheers and applause ) yes! hell, yes! say it! eastman probably should not have
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labeled the folder "crime ideas, keep out." ( laughter ) the judge added that every american-- and certainly the president of the united states-- knows that in a democracy, leaders are elected, not installed. now, normally, this would be a great point. ( applause ) i agree. it's a lovely thing to say. and normally, that would be a good point, but the former president doesn't know too much about the american government. he thinks the supreme court is just a regular court with extra sour cream and guac. ( laughter ) thanks to this ruling, eastman has been ordered to turn over 101 emails. hell, yes! they're getting his emails! now the committee's going to know whether the former president tried to turn our country into a banana republic! and they'll know if banana republic offered eastman 40% off selected men's separates. ( laughter and applause ) it's a good deal. for the fall. for the spring. ( applause ) another person in the january 6 committee crosshairs-- interested in talking to-- is wife of supreme court justice
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clarence thomas, conservative activist, and woman dreaming of an even more aggressive scarf, ginni thomas. thomas is an extreme election fraud truther, and last thursday, we found out that after the election, she sent a barrage of text messages imploring the former president's chief of staff, mark meadows, to take steps to overturn the vote. that is huge! the wife of a sitting supreme court justice conspired with the president's chief of staff to throw out the results of a free and fair election! and she never even invented a pillow. ( laughter ) and in one message-- ( laughter and applause ) how hard could it be to invent a pillow? put something in something else and lie on it. ( laughter ) in one message, thomas urged meadows to "save us from the left taking america down," and to "release the kraken." ( laughter ) a reference to the b-movie, "clash of the titans." we should have known the sound of treason would be a random movie quote.
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who can forget the immortal words of john wilkes booth? "sic semper tyrannis. this is sparta! you can't handle the truth! my wife!" not all-- "my wife! my wiiiiife. my wiiiiife." ( applause ) not all of thomas's texts were succinct, because she also quoted language from random websites that said "biden crime family and ballot fraud co-conspirators-- fake stream media reporters, etc-- are being arrested and detained for ballot fraud right now, and over coming days, and will be living in barges off gitmo to face military tribunals for sedition." and then added, "i hope this is true." ( laughter ) what the? you can't put out that much information and then undercut it with a "i dunno"? darwin did not end "the origin of the species" with, "huge if true." ( laughter ) we'll be right back with chris wallace! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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guest this evening is an emmy and peabody award-winning journalist who spent 18 years at fox news, but has now come to his senses, and joined the new streaming service, cnn+. his new show "who's talking to chris wallace?" premieres tomorrow night. please welcome back to "the late show," chris wallace! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: lovely to have you back. thanks for being here. >> so, stephen, i've got a question-- >> stephen: i ask the questions on my show. >> no, no, i've got a question-- >> stephen: i tell you what, i also have an editor, so go ahead and ask. >> some people would covert say you are a comedian, right. >> stephen: id depends on the crowd. >> so has anyone ever come up out of the crowd and given you a smack right across the face? >> stephen: no, because i have a
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good security team. >> so they come out but they get-- >> stephen: 100%-- like a javelin. actual true story, people used to ask me when i did the colbert report, when i went into congressmen's office and say terrible things to them, people would say how do you keep a straight face? it's obvious because i think they're going to punch me. i respect you as a journalist, you have heft, integrity, and i have ribbed you over the years a few times ability why would you want to be a fox news, given the fact that-- >> you have worn me out on this subject. >> stephen: see, worn you out. you seem to think this is perhaps not a fair alley of inquiry. >> no, i just think you have flogged this horse over and over for year after year. >> stephen: yeah, but you've only recently admitted i was right. ( applause )
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>> so i think you should take yes for an answer and we can move on to my new show. >> stephen: oh, we'll definitely move on to your new show, and i accept your apology. ( laughter ) let's talk about your new show "who's talking to chris wallace?" i'll bite. who? >> we launch tomorrow cnn+. >> stephen: that's exciting. very exciting. >> my first guest is going to be i think one of the great americans, admiral william mcraven, ed of the u.s. special operations command, the coman who brought down bin laden, the man who rescued captain phillips, the man who captured saddam hussein, and i can't think of anybody better to try to make sense of what's going on in ukraine and to talk about how we face the challenges we face because, as you well know, i'm sure he's been on this show, he's an expert on leadership.
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on wednesday night, we've got neil acunas and ashton kutcher, they have spend time raising over a million dollars for ukraine. thursday we'll talk about the former head of disney. so it's going to be a mix of guests. so, you know, and one of the reasons i wanted to make this move, i love streaming. you know, you've got to go to a commercial, i don't. i can just have a conversation for 45 minutes. >> stephen: wow. yeah, seriously. >> stephen: that's a pretty hostile thing for you to say, that i have to go to a commercial. >> oh, you can dish it out but you can't take it! >> stephen: i'm not going to slap you because i'm a gentlemen. ( laughter ) i have a question. you're great at asking the right question in the right moment. what would you ask will smith if you could sit down with him? what would the first question be? >> all right, my thought is that you have spent with your team of writers all day coming up with a great question.
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>> stephen: i know, i haven't. you haven't. >> stephen: i really-- you're going to top me. >> stephen: i promise i won't. what would your question be? >> i've thought about this, because you do. if you interview people for a living, you think to yourself, what would i ask? >> stephen: right. >> why? what the hell were you thinking? ( applause ) and i think the question i arrived at was, when you woke up at 3:00 this morning and i know you did, what did you think? >> stephen: wow, wow-- yeah, i'm not sure if he had gone to bed yet at 3:00. >> as i found out, he was getting jiggy with it. >> stephen: i'm just thinking of it now. >> oh, oh, see-- >> stephen: i would have said, like, is that the hardest you can punch? because he's a small guy. you've got at least five inches on chris rock and probably 80 pounds. >> stephen: this is the third time i've heard. you are really impressed chris
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rock took the punch. >> stephen: have you ever been punched in the face, chris wallace? >> have you seen this face? of course not. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: it's not pleasant. have you. >> stephen: i have. you've heard the expression, you talk like a guy who's never been punched in the face. you do. ( laughter ) >> what does it feel like? >> stephen: it's terrible. it's completely disorienting. >> i hear if it's a really good punch you don't even feel it. >> stephen: i guess i didn't get a good punch because i really felt it. mike tyson's famous quote is everybody has a plan till they get punched in the face. true. completely disoriented. the fact chris rock remembered english words is surprising to me. >> he handled it well. >> stephen: when we come back, i'll ask chris what it was like to sit down with an interview with vladimir putin. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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could wave it, what would you change either presently or historically about the media to try to restore that trust? >> that's a good question. >> stephen: it's what ado, baby. ( laughter ) >> so here's what i'd say. in a funny way, i'd blame my father for this, mike wallace and "60 minutes." >> stephen: wow. well, you knew my father was mike wallace. you're acting like i didn't know. >> stephen: the guy comes in, throws his dad under the bus on the question. okay. >> no, i think the biggest problem with news-- used to be in the old days, and i can remember growing up with my father in the '70s, that news didn't make money, it was a public service. >> stephen: right. ( applause ) >> and the networks viewed it as a public service. and then "60 minutes" came along and showed you you could make phenomenal amounts of money with the news business. >> stephen: and still be news. and still be news. but i think when you look at
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what goes on everywhere, probably particularly cable and on the left as well as right, people are chasing audiences. so i think if there's not-- if people would accept we're not trying to make money off this, we're just trying to perform a public service, i think we would have better news. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i think you're right. good luck. good luck. >> we're going to play it straight. we're going to play it straight, as i always do, on "who's talking to chris wallace?." i did an interview with nicole anna jones, the author of "the 1619 project." we had a pretty good conversation. she said she enjoyed it, but i challenged her on some of the things she contends, not about the problem of racism, but some of the things she says in "the 1619 project." there will be things i come at from the left, from the right, but what i want to do is get people talking, and that's what you do, and hopefully there will be a minute where people forget
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about an audience-- we won't have an audience, can't afford it-- but they forget about the cameras and the lights and you have a real moment of interaction, and people at home will sit there and go, man, i don't see that on tv. ( applause ) >> stephen: i want to talk about somebody you spoke straight to, asked tough questions, challenged in your own way, and that is this interview you had with vladimir putin in 2018. first of all, what's it like to be in the room with him? >> it's funny. when he comes in the room at first, he kind of does this, slouches back, like the bored kid in the back to have the room, not really paying much attention to you, doesn't give you much contact, but at one point, seriously, in the russian embassy, in helsinki right after the summit with trump, i said to him, why is it, mr. president, that so many people who oppose you end up dead?
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( laughter ) from that moment on-- i should ask that to will smith, too. ( laughter ) from that moment on, i had his undivided attention, those ice blue eyes piercing into you, and i would say his sense of grievance, he feels the west has pushed russia around, i got that from the interview, his tough question, when i asked why so many people end up dead, he said well we all have our domestic problems. >> stephen: wow. >. but i thought he was a rational actor and that's not what i've seen this last month. >> stephen: how has the russian invasion of ukraine changed your view? >> if he wins he loses and if he loses he loses. he's a pariah. how does he go back to meeting with world leaders? how does russia, as long as he's in power, go back to having an economy? so what's his end game? >> stephen: would that be your question if you had the same
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will smith situation? well, if you had one question to ask-- >> yeah, i think it would be-- how does this end? >> stephen: i'm going to guess poorly. >> for me or for russia? ( laughter ) >> stephen: depends on whether you ask him in person. >> yeah, well-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: chris, lovely to see you. hope it's the first of many trips over from cnn+. >> i'd love that. >> stephen: that's a booking. can i say one thing? there's one person i would love to have on the show. >> stephen: that's all we have time for. ( laughter ) >> scouts honor-- so we have been asking his agent, we have been asking his executive producer, and what we keep being told is his production schedule doesn't permit it. do you know who that is? >> stephen: jon batiste. ( cheers and applause ) i'll get jon for you. >> so you said this is a booking. >> stephen: yeah. will you sit down and talk to chris wallace? >> stephen: will i talk to chris
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wallace? what's the one question chris wallace wants to ask me-- >> when you woke up at 3:00 this morning-- >> stephen: it's a deal! all right! >> stephen: who's talking to chris wallace? me, evidently, premieres tomorrow night on cnn+. chris wallace, everybody. we'll be right back with star of "ncis," wilmer valderrama. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to the show-gram, the broadcast. my next guest is an actor you know from, "that '70s show," "ncis," and "encanto." please welcome to "the late show," wilmer valderrama! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: thank you. thank you so much for being here. >> i am so proud to be here and in new york city. guys, it is so good to be back here. ( cheers and applause ) i haven't been back, you know, since the whole thing. >> stephen: i know it wasn't
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easy for you to be here. you were at the oscars last night. >> yeah. >> stephen: because "encanto" was nominated. anything interesting happen-- ( laughter ) --last night, wilmer? >> you know, i guess this is interesting-- so i watched the-- you know, i was taking the red eye last night to come over here, you know, so, i wait and watch the-- we talk about the bruno performance, which is awesome. ( applause ) by the way, everybody talked about bruno in that song. it was really awkward for everybody involved. >> stephen: gotcha. >> i was, like, okay, got to get to the airport. as soon as i was in the car. did you see? did you watch? were you there? and i said, what happened? ultimately, i missed the entire thing. ( audience reacts ) yeah, just because i was coming to see you. so-- >> stephen: well, i'm grateful. i'm grateful. i'm grateful. ( applause )
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at least you can say i was in no way involved in that situation. i'm out clean. >> that's right. >> stephen: your film "encanto," it won the oscars. congratulations. >> thank you very much. ( applause ) >> stephen: you have a young daughter, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: how old is she? >> about 14 months. >> stephen: okay. enou.e old enough to play the td i mean, we played it for her regardless, right. so every single morning since the movie release ad, we played the sound track for her, and now she can stand up, you know. she holds herself up, she claps her hands. it's very funny because it's getting to the point where, you know, she's starting to kind of identify dancing, so she's bouncing a little bit, and last week she started making really suspect moves. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what do you mean by "suspect" moves? >> you know, she do one of these, and then she'd do one of these. ( laughter )
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and i was, like-- that is-- >> stephen: maybe hold it right there? >> yeah. >> stephen: maybe hold it right there? >> yeah, maybe no more "encanto" sound track, you know. it looked too close to a twerk. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're starting in an upcoming series, "zorro," for disney. before i get to the photo, how familiar were you with "zorro" growing up? >> very familiar. it's the dream of my lifetime to be zorro. since i was seven years old i wanted to be zorro, you know. >> stephen: so this is-- here we are. is this-- >> yeah. >> stephen: is this you right here? th is yos not me right there.>>. >> here's the back story on this really telling picture. so when i-- you know, i lived in venezuela.
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in carnival you go to school and dress up. i used to dress like zorro every single year. and my friend called me the night before and said i'm going to be sorry to tomorrow. and i didn't like it. so i wanted to send him a message and i wore the costume and followed him everywhere in the school. >> stephen: watch out. ( applause ) who's this? >> that's my little sister marilyn. >> stephen: fantastic. we're both part of the "ncis" family here. >> yes. >> stephen: you joined "ncis" in '14, now it's in season 19. that's a lot of naval crime. how much crime is there on and around boats? >> yeah. >> stephen: after having done that for five seasons, we're in the fifth epees season, do you think you could solve a crime? >> that's a loaded question. as actors, we do something long
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enough, we think we can do it. >> stephen: everybody on "gray's anatomy" thinks they can do surgery. >> god forbid they're in a restaurant or something. i'm not a doctor, but i play one on tv! i think i could be good at solving crimes but, unfortunately, i think the crime has to be ridiculously weird and twisted, because that's the only cases we have on the show. ( laughter ) >> stephen: there are no simple crimes. >> it has to be a weird clown that steals sweaty clothes and it's something really embarrassing, and i bet i would be really good at that. >> stephen: the new "ncis" is "ncis: hawaii." >> right. >> stephen: and there's a crossover episode. i think it's tonight. i couldn't watch it, because i'm interviewing you. >> yes. >> stephen: we have a clip here. do you want to tell me what's happening in hawaii? >> we're walking through the sacred grounds, and we roll up
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on someone and we do cop stuff. >> stephen: you do cop stuff. >> yeah. >> stephen: don't get too technical. >> yeah, no, i get it. i don't want to give anything away. but it's a fake bad guy. ( suspenseful music ) >> take it away. special agent torres. we meet at last. >> i'm sorry. i have no idea who you are. >> really? >> but i do need you to lower that weapon. >> please and thank you. >> stephen: cop stuff. cop stuff. ( applause ) very polite.
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>> stephen: wilmer, thank you so much for being here. "ncis" airs mondays at 9:00 p.m. on cbs. wilmer valderrama, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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>> stephen: james corden is next. good night. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show-oh-oh the late late show woo! ♪ the late late show-oh-ho the late late show-oh-oh!


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