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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  April 14, 2022 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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captioning sponsored by cbs elon musk offered to fully buy twitter. musk says that social media giants needs to go private so it can better serve free speech. >> he says he wants to pay $54.20 a share, of course 54.20, that is 4 to is a code for marijuana. >> and he is also running space dprks. >> at spacex we're on a mission to send humankind to mars. many still feel reluctant about interplanetary travel but our founder elon musk has an idea to change that. make earth really bad. ment you see, right now earth is pretty good. there are dogs. pancakes, even a few trees left. it is certainly better than
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living in a joyless bubble eating potatoe grown in matt damon's poop, bur change most popular social media platform controlled by a guy who tweets stuff like this. >> i put the art in farf. jack in the becomes should do double duty as a sperm donor, and 69 days after 420 again, ha ha, will you say my god, get me the hell off this rock. twitter executives, follow the urge that so many people have and give elon the bird. this ad paid for by spacex where our motto is 58008 upside down is boobs, ha ha. >> it's the late show with stephen colbert. tonight, thank you-- and stephen welcomes hugh laurie. and musical guests idols.
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features jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city it's stephen colbert. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: there you go. (cheers and applause) thanks, everybody, welcome one and all in here, out there, down there, to the late show. i'm your host, stephen colbert. ladies and gentlemen, it was a beautiful day here in
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new york. and folks, the city that never sleeps rested a bit easier last night, because yesterday the n.y.p.d. arrested subway shooter suspect frank james after it got -- (applause) , feels nice, you don't have to worry about your kids on the subway. they arrested him after they got a tip on its crime stoppers hotline. you know the number! s s s s 800-588-2300 s crime stoooop. that is not the number. whoever made the call is a hero, who stands to receive up to $50,000 in reward money. unfortunately, it was unclear who alerted the police, because there were scores of calls, and an array of people took credit for turning him in. plus, to collect the reward, you had to be the 19th caller, and say the phrase that pays, "crime stoppers is new york's number one crime-stopping hotline. stopping crimes from the 80's, 90's, and today! ba-ba-booey!"
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one person claiming to have dropped a dime on james is 21-year-old zach tahhan, a security camera technician, who was working in a store nearby when he saw james through one of the security cameras. hear that, m.t.a.? cameras work so much better when they work. (applause) at all. 800-588--- now tahhan, a syrian immigrant observing ramadan, became a social media sensation last night with his explanation of how he heped nab the suspect: >> stephen: yeah, he's just tasting, makes you a little
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loopy when are you tasting. >> stephen: he had to make that clear, because he was standing in front of a sign that said "need cannabis delivered?" after this week? yes. several others have claimed responsibility, and to complicate the situation even further, law enforcement officials have said that james himself may have called the tip line. that is going to be an awkward award ceremony: "mr. james, here's a key to the city, a check for $50,000, and a pair of handcuffs. quick, take his key!" so new yorkers, you can rest easy and return to the subway. it's just as safe and clean as you remember. speaking of fightin' bad guys, the ukrainian military announced that a russian warship has been 'seriously damaged' in the black sea after ukrainian forces struck the ship with anti-ship
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neptune missiles. i'm surprised they're called "neptune" missiles. because russia, ukraine's kicking "uranus." at first, russia downplayed the damage to the vessel, but late this afternoon, the kremlin's military spokesman released this statement: >> you sank my battleship! >> and it's true! today, russian state media confirmed that the warship moskva had sunk. of course, since it's russian state media, they had to spin it as positive: (/ as russian/ ) >> "today, battleship moskva begins new mission: to de-nazify bikini bottom and finally get secret to krabby patty!" of course, russia claims the
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-- i have a really drifting russian accents t gets italian very quickly. of course, russia claims the goal of their invasion was to prevent the eastward expansion of nato, but the attempt to intimidate their neighbors seems to have backfired, because now sweden and finland are making moves to join nato. this is huge news. no one thought. it could be the most shocking nordic alliance since black licorice joined forces with salt. is it candy or a dirty snow tire?! pick a lane! yesterday, the swedish and finnish prime ministers held a joint press conference, where finnish prime minister sanaa marine said, finland was ready to make a decision on joining nato "within weeks." well, they have to. their coupon is about to expire! refer a friend, get one month of nato free with promo code "suck it, putin."
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(applause). >> stephen: yeah, hell yeah. over the weekend, marine explained, "russia is not the neighbor we thought it was." what neighbor did you think it was? just listen to russia's state farm jingle: (/ as russian/ ) "like a good neighboooor. we bomb your house." the move is risky, as russia has repeatedly warned finland against joining nato, threatening serious military and political consequences. oh, damn. that's not what i meant when i wished this war would "finish"! damn you, cursed monkey's paw! damn you, cursed. monkey paw. sweden is expected to join nato too, if only to keep russians from seizing their strategic reserve of skarsgards. none of this has stopped russian officials from issuing threats. take deputy chairman of russia's security council, and chef
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declaring "that's a spicy-a turnip," dmitry medvedev. medvedev, who used to be the russian prime minister and president before doing whatever the hell his "new" no-show job is, wrote a post on telegram in which he threatened russia would build up nuclear forces in the baltic sea region if sweden and finland join nato. one problem, according to the lithuanian defense minister, russia already has nuclear weapons in the baltic region. ok, you can't threaten to do what you're already doing. that's like sending a ransom note that says, send us one million dollars or we will cut up your magazine! (applause) the whole world has turned against russia. including the republic of netflix, which suspended service there last month. now, russian netflix
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subscribers launched a class action lawsuit for loss of service. then, after a few hours, a screen popped up saying "are you still suing?" and they had to click "yes." it's not just the viewers who are mad. because netflix also halted the development and acquisition of all russian-made tv shows and films. that's rough news for anyone -- sure, it's the right thing to do. but that's rough news for anyone excited about the new season of bridgertato. fun fact: the viscount's sexy butt? (/ russian accent/ ) potato. nice, nice, little butter, little sour cream. couple of bacon bits. you got it, baby. spring is here, the sun is out, the flowers are up, there's a special something in the air. unfortunately, it's covid. because cases have been going up on the east coast, and two new
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omicron subvariants are spreading quickly in new york. scientists aren't sure how they're spreading through manhattan so fast, but they suspect citibikes. these variants aren't your grandpa's omicron. they're sub-subvariants of the ba.2 subvariant, called: ba.2.12 and ba.2.12.1 c'mo scientists. can't you be more creative than letters and numbers? people would take these variants more seriously if you gave 'em cool names like, "big bad greg." "no good gretchen." "sorry, i can't come to dinner. i'm laid up in bed with "big bad greg"." big bad greg, that is hard to say. (applause). >> stephen: that's okay. the you are too kind, that is really too nice. the new variants are the most highly-transmissible strains of covid identified to date. how do these things keep getting
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more transmissible than the most transmissible virus of all time? this is like when we were told the most extreme oreo was s double stuff but then mutated to "mega stuf," and now we're up to "most stuf." next, they're just gonna lower us head-first into "stuf!" --" that fights covid, that is e of the treatments. oh, this is something. there's news about tesla billionaire and groom giving the worst possible "i do," elon musk. a week ago, musk became twitter's largest shareholder, after buying $2.89 billion worth of the company. ok. did no one tell him you can read all the tweets for free? after his big investment, he spent the week sitting down with experts to plan a longterm business strategy, by which i mean he posted a bunch of troll-y nonsense, like:
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"twitter's next board meeting is gonna be lit", and a poll suggesting they change the name to "titter." one of the greatest innovators of our time, folks! it's like when thomas edison debuted his marvelous incandescent "light boob." (applause) but that stock purchase wasn't enough for the musk man. because last night, musk offered to buy twitter for $43 billion in cash. oh my god. you could do so much with that money: address world hunger, fix climate change, get a decent hair cut. in a statement, musk said that he's decided his initial investment wasn't enough and now believes "twitter needs to be transformed as a private company" and that his goal is to make twitter "the platform for free speech around the globe."
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hey, ding-a-ling: twitter is already an international platform for free speech! you know how i know? because no one at twitter can stop me from tweeting "suck it, elon musk" in every language. we've got a great show for you tonight, my guest is hugh the one. the only, mr. hugh laurie. but when we come back, meanwhile! joins, wownt?
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>> stephen: jon batiste, stay human. (applause) oh jon, jon, you know, i'm a lucky man to do this show. obviously to share the stage with you and the band and also to be able to share the stage with some of the guests we have here tonight. all of the guests really but sometimes you know, like a little dream guest come as long,
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someone you really love, hugh laurie is here tonight. he is one of my comedic heroes. he can do it all. he can do it all. he is house. he is house. >> stephen: folks, i spend most of my time, right over there. carefully sorting through the day's biggest stories, and selecting only the most supple and unblemished ostrich and crocodile news leather, which i then entrust to artisan graduates of the "ecole gregoire-ferrandi," who carefully dye them in a palette of bright, zesty shades, and adorn them with the finest, most topical inlay work using hand tools and double magnifying glasses, then assemble them according to now classic and elegant geometry using our signature saddle stitching, and line it with beeswax-coated linen, and finally attach a mallet-hammered strap, pearled hardware, and a clochette to create for you the one-of-a-kind haute couture hermes birkin bag that is my monologue. but sometimes i wake up in the but sometimes, sometimes, folk,
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but sometimes i wake up in the last car of an abandoned roller coaster at coney island, where i'm hiding from the triads, i huff some engine lubricants out of a safeway bag and stagger down the shore to tear the sail off a beached schooner, then i rip the co-axial cable out of the r.v. of an elderly couple from utah, hank and mabel, lovely folks, and use it to stitch the sail into a loose, pouch-like rucksack, then i stow away in the back of a garbage truck to the junk yard where i pick through the debris for only the broken toys that make me the saddest until i have loaded, for you, the hobo fugitive's bug-out bindle of news that is my segment: meanwhile! (applause). >> sphen: that is the only food i need. meanwhile, the late show can not-at-all-exclusively reveal that: "kim kardashian says pete davidson tried to give her his number when they first connected at the met gala, but
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she couldn't use her phone because of her outfit." i've been there. it's tough to use a touch screen when you're cosplaying as a dementor. meanwhile, lululemon wants your used workout clothes. it's the brainchild of lululemon's new head of marketing: creepy guy creepy rick. meanwhile, thanks to a brand new law, "tennessee will make ivermectin available without a prescription." ok. quick question: all those people who took ivermectin before had a prescription? from who? "yes doctor, i have a heart condition, worms, and i am a horse. i know i don't look like a horse. that's how sick i am." ivermectin is, of course, a popular covid cure among people who don't care that it doesn't cure covid. and only one republican voted no to this bill: senator richard briggs, a surgeon from knoxville, who
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admitted he may have a "pro-science bias." no! no, aha, nah-huh. facts aren't bias! that's like saying, "based on the flames and screaming, i think you're on fire. then again, i may have a seeing and smelling bias. but hey - do your own research." meanwhile, sexy lingerie for men is here. um, excuse me? sexy lingerie for men has "been" here. turns out, designers are thinking outside the boxers, and now "lacey thongs and sheer undergarments designed for men's bodies are shaking up the traditional lingerie market." okay, but don't shake too hard, or something's gonna pop out of there. we'll be right back with hugh laurie.
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my guest tonight is an actor, musician, and writer you know from "house," "the night manager," and "veep." he has just adapted an agatha christie novel, "why didn't they ask evans?", which he also directs and stars in. please welcome back to the late show, hugh laurie! (outro) >> stephen: there you go. >> thank you. >> stphen: so nice to you have back. >> it's so good to be back. >> stephen: welcome back to the states. >> thank you. >> stephen: how long were you over in london. >> well, it seems like, well, i have lost track of time. i have no idea how long i was-- . >> stephen: 20, 20 was the last time you could easily get
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back over, it's been a couple of years. >> yeah. >> stephen: do you enjoy being back. >> i love it. i absolutely love it i had a very tough time getting back if. >> stephen: to the united states. >> yeah. >> stephen: why. >> getting in here. >> stephen: why are we keeping you out? >> because i had neglected to observe that a green card is expired. i didn't read t i didn't read the small print and it expires and then i thought oh, i better get another one and they said yeah, it will take about a week. and three to four months went by and i started to panic about tonight, i thought i'm not going to make it, to see you. >> stephen: is this the first thing are you doing here in the states. >> just about. >> stephen: just about, that means it isn't. >> no no i mean be i did some things yesterday s that okay. >> stephen: okay, i mean there is nothing i can do about it now so i guess i have to say that's fine. cuz i'm the host.
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and you're the guest and it would seem rude if i got upset. >> i am just trampling. >> stephen: not at all. did you have a good time on falton. easy a great guy, a love him, just want to know. how about new york specifically, do you like the big apple? >> i do. no, no. >> stephen:s that owe okay. >> that was very rude for me to hesitate. no, what i mean is i think new york, you would agree with this i'm sure, that new york is more enjoyable if you see it wa if you come on your own as i have done and it feels, it can be intimidating. >> stephen: very intimidating. >> and it feels to me like there are five million people have been invited to a party and that i have not been invited to. that is what it feels like. >> stephen: and they are all on their way to it. >> and they're on their way and they're late and show st my
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fault that they are late. and they're just so furious with me. >> stephen: and london is not like that at all. no one gets furious when are you walking in the middle of the sidewalk or anything. >> i don't think-- it's not moving at the same pace as new york. is and the buildings aren't as big. >> stephen: that's it. >> so you don't feel as small in london, relatively. to five story buildings, that is the scale i'm used to. you come to an 80 story building and you feel like a little tiny person. that reveals some weird stuff about me, i know. >> stephen: we'll get into that in the next session. i think we made some really good progress today and let's just follow that feeling the next time we're together, okay? >> absolutely. >> stephen: we have to take a quick break, we'll be right back with more mr. hugh laurie, everybody, stick around.
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she absolutely loves you brit, and you have adapted, directed and starred in a new mini series called why didn't they ask evans from the 1934ing aatea christie novel. have i never read this novel. >> good. >> why is that. >> it is good because the story will-- witnesses trues to novel. >> is this a long time love of yours? >> it say long time love there is the central-- this is whatting aatea christie did better, the mystery plolt, i still think is one the most beautiful things t makes you shiver even now remembering the first time i read it i mean when i was very youngz. >> stephen: about how old. >> well, people always like to boast about how young they were how precocious they were. i was four.
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>> stephen: you went to cambridge. >> late four. and i absolutely loved it. and this central mystery so beautifully revealed, so beautifully worked out but i also fell in love with the main, one of the main characters, the character frankie played by lucy who was my first sort of crush really as a young lad i fell in love with the fictional character. >> great character, wonderful actress playing. >> and the show is just, i mean, i don't know how to give it proper-- if stay great mystery, mystery strks funny, it is charming t is just an absolute delight. i watched one episode, only three. i saved it because i want to watch the rest with evvie because again she is weak for you people fsm hi a british accentor, wouldn't than lovely.
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it would be like me having abs, that is how much she loves you people. >> yeah, now we have a clip here, a murder mystery it can you explain what is happening in this clip. >> are you in this clip. >> am i? >> yes. >> excellent. >> yes, this is where lucy boynton her character frankie has-- into the house envag eled herself. >> stephen: what. >> envageled herself, we will work on that in less on three. she has talked her way in to the household as of the principal suspect and this very sinnister character who is actually a psychiatrist turns up, played by well i was all they could get so played by me. this is the character who pledly has suspicions about her what she is doing there and why, he smells a rat. and that's just it.
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>> jim envagel us. >> frankie, i would like you to meet-- nicholson and this is dr. nicholson. >> how do you do, i have heard a lot about you. >> and i you? >> really? you would be surprised, your accident caused quite a stir in the village. >> oh. perhaps because it was not an accident (applause). >> stephen: very tense. we have to take a quick break but when we come back i will ask hugh about 57 pieces of mail that he sents me. stick around.
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>> stephen: hey, everybody, we're back here with national treasure hugh laurie. hugh. >> yeah. >> stephen: let's get down to
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brass tacks here, the reason ihn christmas 20 is of, that year in 2016 you came on to one of our live election shows and you were lovely, wonderful guest, i was very grateful to you, so i gave you a present and the next time were you on i talked to you about that present and we have a clip here of me talking to you about it. >> i'm so grateful that you came because doing these shows live is totally different than right radio flow, much greater pressure. i noticed that afternoon you were driving around on the stage, when you were here in the afternoon, a little nine bot segue that i have. and i, was so grateful that i sent you one of these for christmas that year. >> yeah. >> stephen: and i was wondering if you ever got it because i never got a thank you note and before you answer, i know you got it because i got the notice that it had been
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delivered, that is you, hugh laurie down here beverly hills and up here it says yeah, yeah, good news, it has been delivered. so i got you a present this year a little early. it's stationary so clearly mi a jerk for calling you out on that when you were here, no, clearly mi. >> not at all. >> stephen: but one of the favorite things that ever happened in human history is that i gave you that actual station aeroand what no one knows is that that next week and almost two or three times a week for the next six months you sent me thank you notes. >> i did. (applause) (applause). >> stephen: we counted it, 57 thank you notes in all. they're not long. some of them are just, most of them are just one sentence and i
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have them all right here. and they tell a little story. i i was hoping would you do us the favor of reading the thank you notes to us and just, for just dear stefen and just the message, if you don't mind. are you okay with this. >> yes. >> stephen: so ladies and gentlemen, this is a dramatic recitation by hugh laurie of the 57 thank you notes. that i received. maestro, action. >> dear stephen, thank you for my segue, it is perfect for writing a thank you on. with eye clip, thank you for my thank you cards. they are perfect for writing thank you on. thank you for having me on the late show. thank you for having the late show. thank you for everything else.
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thank you for reading these cards. thanking the hell out of you. i hope this finds you well. i am well. >> stephen: and now the cards change, we are out of the station aeroi gave you and we moved on to new station aero. >> i am well apart from a slight headache. it's gone now. is this annoying yet? i hoped it wouldn't get annoying until the summer. advice. shall i get the blue or the green? i didn't hear back so i got both. (laughter) >> i don't like these cards as much. because they're not from you. thank you for that very funny bit. thank you for this new of
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morning, i'm still thanking you. i know this stopped being a funny awhile back. but i thought if i keep going it might get funny again. have you thought of consulting a lawyer? i am thinking of you right now. i have a pain in my knee today. my accountant thinks these cards might be deductible. i told him i don't want to deduct my thanks. i mean seriously what is it all for. oh sure, you may say to build a better world, really? >> i'm losing my mind. >> if i suddenly stop writing will you worry? thank you. let not the sword sleep in your hand and thanks.
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my elbow hurts. not from writing to you but i've always wanted to go to dayton. the doctor says it is tennis elbow. i said better call it card writing elbow. he laughed. why tennis though, why not bull fighters elbow or stumpman's elbow. gracias. i think can i hear a noise outside. probably nothing. i'm starting to wonder about life. my life. is sean hannity a happy man? (laughter) how do you feel when people spell your name with a "v." annoyed, i bet. although it's a bit quicker, i suppose. thank you for the moon and
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stars. what is going on. i'm going on vacation. haven't you had enough of this yet? >> there it is again. hold on, i think there is someone on the roof. there was. now he's in the house. asking for valuable. i don't have any valuables. what what shall i tell him. thank goodness i'm a card writing because i have duct tape on my mouth. (laughter) he says have i to get in the van. i am chained to a bed frame. i now belong to the people's revolutionary front. i don't mean-- i don't mean i agree with their views but mi now their property. the food is okay if monotonous.
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they're asking for $15 million. kick starter? >> stephen: the greatest thank you, the greatest thank you of all time. hugh laurie, why didn't they ask evans is available now on the britbox streaming service. hughlaurie, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by idols.-- idles.
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>> stephen: they are playing coachella tomorrow. performing "crawl" from their album, "crawler," idles! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ so alive, some way up so tired, some lay up ♪ i a bleeder, oh, i yearn high seer, so k up ♪ hold the phone, put the call in ♪ don't go, i'm falling
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for a bore, appalling ♪ i'm so, so foreign ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ "damn, i'm feeling good!" said the liar to the ♪ congregation and i know i'm not what i should ♪ that's why i'm smashing my pretty face in ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ and yeah, i'm on my knees for porcelain ♪ 'cause it felt like god to me and yeah, i'm a crawler ♪ crawling hurts, but it works for me ♪ i'm alright! i'm alright! i'm alright! i'm alright! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ so pure, so heater so sure, so beat up ♪ so i, so way up
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so far, seven seater ♪ oh no, i'm the sleeper no go, long teether ♪ blind fold, gold seeker i'm told, old feeder ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ "damn, i'm feeling good!" said the liar to the ♪ congregation and i know i'm not what i should ♪ that's why i'm smashing my pretty face in ♪ and yeah, i'm on my knees for porcelain ♪ 'cause it felt like god to me and yeah, i'm a crawler ♪ crawling hurts, but it works for me ♪ i'm alright! i'm alright! ♪ i'm alright! i'm alright! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm feeling magni-fique i'm feeling magni-fique
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm on the way i know it looks bad ♪ but i cannot wait i ride the wave ♪ no rest for the lamb as he goes all day ♪ i ride the wave no rest for the lamb ♪ as he goes all day i'm on the way ♪ i know it looks bad but i cannot wait ♪ i ride the wave i ride the wave ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ and yeah, i'm on my knees for porcelain ♪ 'cause it felt like god to me and yeah, i'm a crawler ♪ crawling hurts, but it works for me ♪ i'm alright! i'm alright! ♪ i'm alright! i'm alright! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm feeling magni-fique i'm feeling magni-fique ♪
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>> stephen: idles, everybody! goodnight that's it for the late show. tune in tomorrow when my guest will be josh brolin. james corden is next. goodnight. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsor by cbs ♪ the late late show-oh-oh the late late show woo! ♪ the late late show-oh-ho the late late show-oh-oh! ♪ it's the late late show ♪ ♪ ♪


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