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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  July 13, 2022 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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>> have a great night. captioning sponsored by cbs >> k-pop superstars bts say they aren't blowing up the group like dynamite-- sorry. they're simply taking a break. the massively popular boy band made the announcement during their ninth anniversary celebration, and it was very careful to call this a hiatus. >> it really does feel like the end of an era, and the bts army, that includes tens of millions of fans worldwide, are devastated by last night's news. >> with bts on hiatus, who will fill the boy band void? ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ backstreet's back again. >> announcer: it's "the late
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show with stephen colbert." plus, stephen welcomes: and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: a little bit longer than usual. >> a little bit longer. ( audience chanting "stephen" ) >> stephen: good to see you. good to see you.
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good to see you. good to see you. please, have a seat, everybody. how nice. welcome, one and all, in here, out there, all the ships at sea. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. well, ladies and gentlemen-- ( applause ) what are we looking at the here? we're still waiting for the next january 6th committee hearing. the next one was supposed to be today, but now the next one is tomorrow. but yesterday, the committee did drop a teaser for the next hearing. ooh, a teaser! it's like a marvel movie. is there a multiverse where there are consequences for staging a coup? ( laughter ) all we know is that rudy giuliani is hiding bottles of wine... in every dimension! ( laughter ) ( glass shattering ) ( cheers and applause ) which one's the real me? the teaser hinted at new information about the former president's campaign attorney john eastman, seen here after
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winning the "100 meter dingus." ( laughter ) as you may recall, eastman was the dumbass mastermind, or dumb-asster-mind, behind the ridiculous legal argument that mike pence had the power to block congress from certifying biden's victory. you know who disagreed with that? mike pence. ( laughter ) on january 6, pence decided not to wish democracy into the cornfield. but eastman did not give up with his plan. we know that, because yesterday, the committee released a little teaser video of former white house attorney eric herschmann describing a phone call he got on january 7th. >> it was the day after. eastman, i don't remember why he called me. and he started to ask me about something dealing with georgia and preserving something potentially for appeal.
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and i said to him, "are you out of your effing mind?" >> stephen: i can answer that one. ( laughter and applause ) abso-effing-lutely. ( cheers and applause ) eastman-- ( applause ) eastman engineered a failed coup on national tv and thought he could just keep going. that's like being on trial for public indecency and swearing in by raising more than your right hand. ( laughter ) herschmann told eastman that he was done hearing about the cockamamie plan to overthrow the election results: >> i said, "i only want to hear two words coming out of your mouth from now on." >> stephen: free nachos? wango tango? cabo wabo? no? i'm sorry, go on. >> "'orderly transition.'" >> stephen: okay. ( laughter )
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i still want nachos. then herschmann explained how that call with the architect of the coup ended: >> i said, "good, john. now i'm going to give you the best free legal advice you're ever getting in your life: get a great effing criminal defense lawyer. you're going to need it." >> stephen: that is good advice. ( applause ) that is good advice, because the lawyer eastman was plotting the coup with studied for the bar by going to one. ( laughter ) now, some of the folks being featured in the videos in the hearings are not happy about the publicity. take proud boy leader and worst- case scenario david cross, joseph biggs. for his role in the coup, biggs has been charged with seditious conspiracy. it's a serious charge. it carries a maximum sentence of 20 years. by the time he gets out, this proud boy's going to be a proud
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member of the a.a.r.p. and biggs wants to move his trial, arguing to the court, "in view of the increased and unquestionably spectacular 24/7 negative press and media coverage about the fraternity known as the proud boys." oh, that's right. i forgot. the proud boys is just a fraternity. january 6 was just hazing.& we all heard the chant. >> spank mike pence! spank mike pence! spank mike pence! ( applause ) >> stephen: thank you, sir. thank you, sir, may i have another? biggs' attorney argues that his client can't get a fair trial, thanks to this week's televised hearings of the house select committee on january 6, and all the media coverage from "morning joe" to stephen colbert's "late show." ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( audience chanting "stephen" ) >> stephen: you know, ladies and
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gentlemen, i do a lot of jokes about these violent fascists, but to hear that even one of them noticed? ( cheers and applause ) i... ( sobs ) i feel so seen. you hate me, you really hate me. ( laughter ) biggs' attorney argues that they need to move his trial because shows like mine continue to saturate the jury pool of media- obsessive washington d.c. they want to move the trial to someplace where the proud boys have a better reputation, like 1930's berlin. ( laughter ) of course, after we got the shout-out, the article says "newsweek" contacted colbert's representatives for comment. "well, mr. colbert, do you have a comment?"
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"why, thank you, steve, i do." "want to share it with the american people?" "certainly. while this is a very high- profile case, in our system of justice, the accused is of course, innocent until proven guilty. so i want everyone in the potential jury pool to hear me when i say, "you are going to jail, you neo-numbnut! and if you don't like it-- ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ and if you don't like it, you can come and get me. my name is joe scarborough, and i love coffee! welcome to the monkey house, brother." ( laughter and applause ) welcome to the monkey house. meanwhile, the economy: bad. the feeling: sad.
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inflation's up, the market's down, and crypto is trapped on mars eating matt damon's poop potatoes. ( laughter ) but yesterday, in philadelphia, president biden stayed positive: >> there's so much at stake, but the truth is i've never been more optimistic about america than i am today. i really mean it. >> stephen: ( as joe biden ) "i really mean it. america's never been better! they're sellin' ice all year 'round, now! you want taffy, you don't even have to pull it yourself! and the brooklyn dodgers finally took home the pennant! the year is what now? whooo, boy! that's a lotta two's! ah, you got to be jokin' me, right? that's gotta be a joke, you're joshin' me, givin' me the business. reminds me, i gotta watch tonight's 'leave it to beaver.'" ( laughter and applause ) really? really? y'all are a cheap date. now, unfortunately, most americans aren't feeling so sunny as joe.
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one reason? the national gas price average is now over $5 a gallon. biden has heard america's concerns and is putting major pressure on big oil. this morning, he sent a letter to the companies. mr. president, i think we're past the pen pal phase. when your house is burning, you don't sit down and write, "dear candle i left unattended, how dare you. this betrayal will not be forgotten. sincerely-- oh, god, scream scream! help, help! i am on fire." ( laughter ) the mid-terms are coming up in november, and one senate candidate keeps getting in trouble: georgia republican and "america's neck" top model, herschel walker. walker is a former heisman trophy winner, but for some reason, he feels he needs to keep making stuff up about his accomplishments. the newest make-'em-up: herschel walker used to brag he worked in
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law enforcement. but, according to a new report, he never did. it will all be detailed in the new show: "walker: not a ranger." ( laughter ) >> we've got a great show for you tonight. my guests are emma thompson and comedian, tom segura. but when we come back, me and my wife evie have first drafts of father's day cards. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) that was good. good job. get any size soft drink for just a buck right now at mcdonald's.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. please say hello to louis cato, and everybody in stay human, right over there. louis, you know, i love all my guests equally. >> louis: of course. >> stephen: they're like my children. >> louis: naturally. >> stephen: okay, but tonight, two very special-- tom segura,
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who is a stand-up, who i think is fantastic. ( applause ) he's got a new book. got a new book. and one of the true greats who i always enjoy talking to, emma thompson is here tonight. two-time oscar winner. >> louis: come on! >> stephen: two-time oscar winner right there. so, let's-- let's get to that as quickly as we can. folks, you know, it's almost father's day, so make sure to call your dad on sunday and say "wow, that sounds incredible" at the appropriate moments during his description of a podcast about world war i. ( laughter ) now, there are plenty of father's day cards out there to choose from but they don't always get it right on the first try. so tonight, we'll take a look at some of the early attempts in our segment: "first drafts." >> no, stupid! >> stephen: as always with first drafts, i'll need some help from america's sweetheart and mine, evie colbert, everybody. come on out. ( cheers and applause ) you look fantastic!
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>> hi. ( audience chanting "evie" ) >> oh, we're french? >> stephen: we're very european. >> very european. >> stephen: there you go. you look absolutely lovely. >> thank you. wait until you see emma thompson. >> stephen: i have seen emma thompson. >> she looks incredible. >> stephen: the most beautiful lemon meringue pie i have ever seen. >> unbelievable. >> stephen: now darling, thank you for doing first drafts. >> i love it. >> stephen: this is one of my favorite parts about doing the show these days is a chance to have you on. >> we need more holidays then. >> stephen: we do, we do. we'll do arbor day cards, sometime. >> okay, yes, i got it. >> stephen: here are the cards. for the people out there that don't know-- >> i will give you the one that you like. and then after that, you of i give you the first draft, which was really bad. >> stephen: that was a really-- i wasn't say "really bad." they're going to turn off the tv. >> inappropriate. >> stephen: inappropriate?
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>> well, i mean-- >> stephen: oh, give me that. >> oh, whatever. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we have a series of cards, the first one of which i will show you that was for sale and then i'll show you the one that was deemed not good enough to sell. >> that's inappropriate, is it not? >> stephen: some of these are pretty inapopust are terrible. thank you for being here. >> i'm thrilled! how's it going so far? >> stephen: it's going great. i've never had a better father's day. ( evie laughs ) okay, here we go. >> okay. >> stephen: this one says, "happy father's day... i just wanted to say i love you." >> aww. ( audience awws ) >> stephen: that would be wonderful to get. but the first draft said, "happy father's day... i just wanted to say i love you, but we don't really do that, so i changed the tank on your grill." ( laughter and applause ) you know, some people don't-- some people don't share-- >> i say "i love you," all the time. >> stephen: you do say that all the time. >> and so do our kids >> stephen: they do. i tell the children i love them as well. >> yeah. >> stephen: "your father loves you," is what i say. that's how warm i am. "your father loves you. never forget that." what are we doing for father's
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day? >> what would you like to do for father's day? >> stephen: i want to go see a dad movie. i want to see that "top gun: maverick." >> let's do that. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> it's good, they say it's really good. >> stephen: and maybe a double feature of that and "multiverse of madness." what? why that look? >> that's a lot to ask of me. both of them? >> stephen: well, it's father's day. we have three children. i want one movie for every child. >> oh, god. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and then-- we have already seen emma's movie. >> fantastic. >> stephen: wonderful, a incredible performance. >> fantastic. >> stephen: this one's for the step-dads in the house. it says, "you're my favorite step-pop! i love you strawberry much." >> aww. ( audience awws ) that's very cute. >> stephen: but the first draft said: "you're my favorite step- pop!... cuz our real dad banana split and dessert-ed us." ( laughter and applause ) sad. >> that's sad. >> stephen: that's just sad. ( evie laughs ) >> stephen: the sadness you feel
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right now is why they didn't sell this one. >> slightly inappropriate, no? a little bit? >> stephen: okay, sure. >> i guess you just say dark. >> stephen: have you gotten anything for your father? >> yes, yes. i showed you, remember? ( murmuring ) >> i can't, he might watch. >> stephen: he'll love that. he'll love that, yeah. >> i wrapped it and left him for it last week. >> stephen: is it full of gas? did you already gas it up? >> he's 93. he can't do-- he can't drive that anymore. >> stephen: no more snowmobiling? >> no more snowmobiling. >> stephen: okay, this one is-- speaking of your father... this one's for a grandparent. it says, "grandpa, guess what i got you for father's day? hugs, hugs, and more hugs!" >> aww, i love that. >> stephen: incredible. but the first draft read: "grandpa, guess what i got you for father's day? a book on microaggressions. you have got to stop asking waitresses where their accent is from." ( laughter and applause ) different generation. >> i think he could use both of those. that checks out for sure. >> stephen: fantastic. fantastic. do you want to go to dinner or something like that?
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>> yes, yes. >> stephen: what if we went early on not father's day, friday or saturday? >> saturday, i think we could get two out of three. >> stephen: i'll go for two out of three. >> yeah, we'll do that. >> stephen: and we'll facetime the third one, make her feel guilty. this one says "dad, teacher, driver, chef, coach, e.m.t. to us, you're everything." >> aww. ( audience awws ) that's a good dad-- teacher, driver, coach, e.m.t >> stephen: but the first draft said "dad: teacher, driver, chef, coach, e.m.t. you've been fired from so many jobs this year. get it together." ( laughter and applause ) >> that's pretty good. >> stephen: that is pretty good. >> wait, do you have a favorite father's day so far, something we've done on father's day? >> stephen: any time the kids-- the handwritten cards. that's amazing. they're on my bedside table. >> they would all hop on the bed with us-- >> stephen: hop on and then eat the breakfast. and they would-- eat the breakfast before i could get to it. >> very cute. >> stephen: fantastic. they're very large now, though. they're, like, 6'2".
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we need a bigger bed for that to happen. >> you're a lovely father. >> stephen: am i? >> you're a wonderful father. >> stephen: that took you eight minutes to get to. ( laughter and applause ) it's in the prompter and everything. >> it's not! >> stephen: i'm joking. >> you are. >> stephen: thank you. all right, well there you go. >> all right. >> stephen: here's a golf-themed one. it says... "you're the most tee-riffic dad. happy father's day! that's really cute. but the first draft said, "you're the most tee-riffic dad... but i'll never fore-get walking in on you and mom 'playing the back 9.'" ( evie laughs ) we'll be right back with emma thompson. evie colbert, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) detect this: living with hiv, i learned i can stay undetectable with fewer medicines. that's why i switched to dovato. dovato is for some adults who are starting hiv-1 treatment or replacing their current hiv-1 regimen.
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genesys technology is changing the way customer service teams anticipate what customers need. because happy customers are music to our ears. genesys, we're behind every customer smile. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much for being here. folks, my first guest this evening is a two-time academy award-winning actress you know from "love actually," "howards end," and "sense and sensibility." she now stars in "good luck to you, leo grande." >> cheers. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ so i've made a list of things that i'd like to get through. >> oh, that sounds sexy.
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>> don't mock me. i'm a teacher. old habits die hard. >> what's first on the list? >> ( clears throat ) number one, i perform oral sex on you. number two, you perform oral sex on me. number three, we do a 69, if that's what it's still called. i don't know. four, me on top. five, doggy style. >> that all sounds very achievable. >> oh, does it? oh, good, good. because i have no frame of reference. i've tried looking on the internet, but it's alarming, frankly. if you type in "classy porn" into google, up popped 12 windows of erections. i mean, there's no build up at all. have i booked enough time? >> stephen: please welcome back to "the late show," emma thompson! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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>> stephen: good! ( cheers and applause ) >> oh! >> stephen: you still got it, kid. >> it's so nice to be back! >> stephen: lovely to have you back. >> oh, my goodness! all these years we've been separated! >> stephen: you are a ray of sunshine-- quite literally. i love your outfit. >> or a long streak of piss. that's the other thing you could, unfortunately. >> stephen: sure. >> but it would be good quality, wouldn't it?
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>> stephen: yes. >> i want to be in very good health. i'm exhausted. >> stephen: i want-- i want to get straight into talking about this movie, "good luck to you, leo grande," because it's a beautiful movie and so unique. it's really funny. it's incredibly-- it's heartbreaking at times. it's hopeful in many ways. and i've never seen anything like it. i don't think anybody else has, either. for the people out there-- obviously, i saw it last night. tell the folks what it's about in where you are own words, madam. >> so, it's about a retired religious education teacher called nancy stokes, who is my age, you know, early 60s. ( laughter )why aru laugng? i am, that's my age. anyway, 'sup until-- >> stephen: she's a widow at this point. >> she's a widow, has been widowed for two years. and she has taken her life into her hands and hired a very much younger sex worker, male sex
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worker, to help her sort of go-- rediscover something that she's never really had. >> stephen: you see sort of this relationship, such as it is, developing between your character and this sex worker, who is played by a wonderful young actor. tell me his name again? >> daryl mccormack. >> stephen: yes. >> he was discovered really, for this. he hadn't done much before. but he was just absolutely perfect because he's so thoughtful. and this young man, leo, is a form of man that i have never seen on screen. he's-- he is a-- what he does is sex work, but it's sort of like care work in a way. he understands. he says, "everyone needs something different, and if we could deal with the fact that some people can't access sexual pleasure. can you imagine how much less ( bleep ) there will be in the world." he tells her a lot, he teachers a lot-- because she's got a lot of assumptions about him and about it all. and so slowly, they peel away
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each other's... defenses, actually, and then in the end, they're each other's clones. but it's not romantic. it's not a romantic story, and that's what i think is radical about it. because it's a real-- it's a really intimate film, you know, because they get really deep into one another through the talking. >> stephen: we have to take a quick break, but when we come back, i will ask emma where she keeps her oscars. it's not where you think. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) one prilosec otc in the morning blocks excess acid production for a full 24 hours. unlike pepcid, which stops working after 9. 24 hour protection. prilosec otc one pill, 24 hours, zero heartburn.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, we're here with emma thompson. you're still here. >> i'm still here. okay. >> stephen: we're here with emma thompson. we won't let her leave. no matter how much she dashes through the door. >> i'm so confused. >> stephen: emma. >> yes? >> stephen: most of this takes place in this one hotel room over the course of many nights or days. and you become very vulnerable, not only with him, obviously, but with the audience. you are fully nude in this film, especially one moment when you're in front of a full-length mirror, fully nude. and i want to know, as a performer-- a, had you done that before on camera? and what was that like for you? what was that choice like for you? >> it was really, really interesting.
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it was unexpected because i'm quite-- we don't need-- i don't really think it's terribly important one way or another. i mean, look at germany. everyone is nude all the time. ( laughter ) but they are-- it doesn't bother them there. they do sort of mixed saunas and all of that. i think we're quite odd about it in our country. maybe because it's so cold and we sew ourselves into pelts for months on end and so nudity isn't a thing. but she-- i was thinking, how am i going to do this? because i can't-- i don't know whether anyone in the audience can, but i certainly can't stand in front of a mirror without trying to improve the way i look. you know, by tucking something in or turning to the side-- >> stephen: i'll adjust the lighting. >> or turn the lights off. that's what i generally do-- just switch them off and then you're safe. you don't suddenly catch sight of yourself and say, "what was that? oh, my god! that was--" anyway, we're not good at accepting our bodies, and
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particularly women whose status is related to body image and the iconography and blah-dey, blah- dey, blah. and it's all very boring and a waste of our time frankly and life's purpose. so nancy has admittedly-- she has always been ashamed of her body somehow. and he says no, it's fine, it's beautiful. but slowly through this strange intimacy, he leads her towards the kind of pleasure that she's never had before and unlocks her relationship with her body. so when i stood there naked-- and it's not like, made beautiful by lighting or scrims -- it's not sort of-- it's literally just plain, a body standing there. >> stephen: but beautiful in the way of a person is beautiful. >> beautiful in the way any human is beautiful and acceptable. and i thought, how does she look at herself? because i don't-- i don't want her to look at herself as though she's suddenly going, "my god, i'm gorgeous." that's not the point. but she looks at herself with a neutral gaze-- that is to say, with a gaze that is accepting of
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her body because she's seeing it as it were for the first time. it's kind of a rebirth. and i went to look at all the pictures of eve in the medieval paintings. and those paintings-- before the fall, before the apple, when they went, "oh, my god, i'm nude!" if only fruit could wield that kind of power now. ( laughter ) and in those paintings, she's always standing very relaxed with one knee slightly bent. and so i thought, i'm going to stand like that. i'm going to try it. and because i was playing someone, i wasn't being me, i could do it. >> stephen: yeah. >> but it-- it did make me afterwards, when we finished making the movie, i thought, "god that was an amazing experience." and then i thought, "hang on a minute. it's a movie. that means to say people are going to go and see it."
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i mean, you know quite a lot of people, probably, in big rooms all together. what have i done? and then i realized that i had taken a sort of leap of faith, and i'd placed my faith in the audience, you know. and that is to say, i had been vulnerable, as nancy, for them, for you. and that was really worth it. that was really worth the candle and worth the... well, the kind of... the courage, really, it took to do. because it is quite hard. but you-- you were just telling me that you have been on stage naked. >> stephen: live on stage. >> live. >> stephen: i've done television and stuff like that, i have done the thing with the little sock, the modesty sock. but i've been buck naked on stage live in front of an audience before. that's challenging. >> yeah. >> stephen: did it change-- i mean, i'd love to talk about me naked, but did it change how you feel now about your body? >> i-- i think that i started hatingbos abt
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14. and i think those neural pathways are kind of well, well, you know, well kind of carved in to my soul. and i know we laugh, but you think of all those eight-year- olds out there going, "i don't like my thighs." >> stephen: yeah. >> and you realize-- >> stephen: what would you want to say to that 14-year-old? >> don't waste your time. don't waste your time's purpose worrying about your body. this is your vessel. it's your house. it's where you live. there's no point in judging it. absolutely no point. but it's very hard to do. yes! no point. ( applause ) >> stephen: we have to go here in just a moment, believe it or not. but i wanted to ask you a question before you go to clear up a rumor for me. is that i have heard stories from other people that you keep your oscars in an interesting location. and i want to know if this is true.
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>> hmmm... >> stephen: do you know what i'm talking about? >> they're in the loo. the downstairs loo. >> stephen: you keep your oscars in the toilet. why is this? >> well, you know, you don't want to give them ideas above their station. because they would look ridiculous anywhere else. ( laughter ) seriously, you know-- >> stephen: i built a room just for my emmys. ( laughter ) >> yeah, but you've got loads. like, you need a room for your emmys. >> stephen: sure. thank you so much for being here. >> so good to see you. >> stephen: "good luck to you, leo grande" is available on hulu on friday. emma thompson, everybody! we'll be right back with comedian tom segura. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. folks, my next guest tonight is a stand-up comedian you know from his netflix specials and comedy podcasts. he's just written a new book, "i'd like to play alone, please." please welcome back to "the late show," tom segura! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hi. >> how you doing? >> stephen: i'm doing well. nice to see you.
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>> nice to see you. >> stephen: i've been looking forward to this for a few years. you were here three, four years ago, something like that? >> yeah. >> stephen: i truly enjoyed it, and i've been waiting for you to come back. >> thank you. >> stephen: now you've got the book right here. "i'd like to play alone, please." there you go. first of all-- and this is not on-- this is not a question on any of the cards. you can check. you look healthy. >> thanks! thanks! >> stephen: is that a plan? >> yeah, i'm trying to be less fat. ( laughter ) >> stephen: all right. so your first netflix special-- i've seen all of them now. >> thank you. >> stephen: i'm kind of obsessed with your work. your first netflix special aired in 2014 when netflix wasn't the big comedy deal it is now. were you excited to get it? >> no. that-- like, the mountaintop then if you were a working road guy like me was comedy central. that was-- that was-- that's where you wanted to be, you know. and, like, yeah, obviously, i think it worked out for you there. but-- so we shot it and we sent it to them.
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and i was just like, "please say yes." i had done other things on the network. and they passed, they said no. i got the call. they said there's no theme to the hour. and i was like, the theme is jokes. like, that's-- what do you mean? what are you talking about the theme? i'm not trying to get my doctorate. this is just an hour special. ( laughter ) so then i pulled-- i remember i pulled over in l.a., and my manager goes, "but you know who wants to acquire it?" this is 2013, the year before it airs. "netflix." and i was like, "oh, really?" and he was like, "yeah." like to mail the dvds in? because that's you were-- >> stephen: right, yeah. >> he was like, "yeah, but they're getting into streaming." i'm like that's not going to work, dude. like, it's not going to work. he was like, well, they're the only ones who said yes." and i'm like, "all right." and it was just kind of like-- i just kind of-- i honestly forgot about it. and then it aired. i didn't think much of it. and, like, three months later,
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we're selling some tickets, and then by six months later, we're just selling out shows, adding shows. it all took off from that. >> stephen: now, i understand there's a wardrobe perk for netflix. >> yeah. >> stephen: please explain to me this prop i have back here. >> okay, so, with each special you're like, "i should ask for more." with the last one, the fourth one, i was like, you know, i should try to like i don't know, try to look-- look good. so i-- i called-- i hired a stylist, seth chernoff-- sorry i didn't call you about today. i put this together myself. but i called him and he came over with all these like cool jackets because i wanted to wear a jacket in the special. he has all these jackets. some of them were too eccentric- - and i put on this one and i'm like, "man, this is awesome. this feels like a glove." he said, "yeah, it's $5,000." and i go, "i'm not-- i'm not buying that, dude." he's like, "do you think netflix would buy it?"
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and i'm like, "maybe." also, it's olive and we want it to be blue, right. so we call netflix, and they're like, okay. they sign off on it. i'm like, really? and they're like, yeah, i guess. why do you need it? i'm like, "because it fits nice." >> stephen: because it's funny. >> yeah, it's funny. i'm like now we need it to be blue. so he calls the people that made it in italy, he calls them, and he's like, "can you make this in blue?" and they're like, "it will take four months." and he said, "we have two weeks." so now we have an olive jacket we purchased for $5,000 but we need it to be blue. he's like i know the best dye person in l.a. and they'll do an amazing job. they're dye the leather. so they dye it blue, it looks great. and, like, a week before this-- i'm supposed to tape. i'm like, "i don't want to wear it." and he's like, "why?" i said, "i don't want to be like the leather guy, like oh!
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i feel like it's a character. i wear leather." i start to feel weird about it. i go, i'm not wearing it. he said what are you going to wear? and i said i have a jacket in my closet already, i'll just wear that. and netflix is like, "what about the 5 g's we dropped?" i guess this is just my jacket now. i've never worn it. >> stephen: you brought it. >> i did. >> stephen: that is a really beautiful-- may i try it on? >> i would love for you to try it on. please. >> stephen: i don't know if we're the same size. you take care of yourself. >> stephen: not really, not really. okay, here we go. >> oh, dude. >> stephen: oh, man. ( applause ) >> come on. >> stephen: hell, yeah. ( applause ) you said you've never worn it! >> i think i wore it once. it was during the pandemic.
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>> stephen: this is really nice, man. >> you like it? >> stephen: yeah. >> you want it? >> stephen: 50 bucks. >> all right. >> that looks good on you. >> stephen: it really does look good on me. i can see, this jim? oh, wow. >> dude! ( applause ) i might start a gang. >> yeah. >> stephen: wow. >> that looks good. >> stephen: i rarely get wardrobe out of these. okay, let's just keep this on for a second, keep moving here. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: father's day,. >> yes. >> stephen: father's day is coming up this sunday. you have-- >> two boys. >> stephen: dos. >> los dos. yes, yes. >> stephen: how old are they? do you mind if i ask? >> six and three. >> stephen: six and three, fantastic age. >> they're really cute. >> stephen: six is just about perfect and three will get there. father's day, are you looking forward to that? >> i mean, you know. we'll see. i don't know, i mean-- >> stephen: do you get anything? does your wife, like, breakfast in bed? >> sometimes. that stuff happens. and they'll get me something
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that i was like, "here, i just bought this. i'll give it to you, now you give it to me," like that kind of thing. ( laughter ) it will be-- it will be cute. >> stephen: being a dad is wonderful. >> it's the best! >> stephen: it's difficult. it's a challenge. >> a lot of work. >> stephen: a challenge at all times but beautiful even when it's hard. >> yes, yes. the three-year-old is on this thing now where he refuses to go by his name. his name is julian and every day he insists on you calling him "sir." so... ( laughter ) and, i mean, he never breaks. it's not like a bit for, like, the after. it's like "good morning, julian." and it's "you call me sir!" and i'm like, all right. and i have to be, "sir, will you please eat, sir? will you go to bed, sir?" if you don't call him "sir," it's just like, a huge tantrum. so we've just given in to "sir." >> stephen: is his older brother playing that game? >> oh, yeah. his older brother is like, "sir
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is in the bath right now." ( laughter ) so yeah, we'll see if he accepts his name one day. and then-- and the six-year-old- - man, he's refusing to wipe his ass. like, refusing, right? >> stephen: that's a little old. >> i'm like, bro. he's like, "i pooped." and i'm like, "but you have to do the second part now." i go in there and i'm like you really have to get-- you have to wipe yourself." and he says, "i want to wait until i'm taller." and i'm like-- ( laughter ) i go "how tall do you want to be?" and he goes, "18." and i'm like-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're not going-- you're not going to do that until he's 18. >> no! 16, i'm not giving him a car if he's not wiping his ass. it's a deal, man. >> stephen: well, tom segura, it's lovely to have you back. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: i really appreciate you stopping by. ( applause ) "i'd like to play alone, please." it's tom segura, everybody.
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we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good night. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh >> james: alright gang, big oscars night last night. what are we-- what are we going to talk about? >> ian: i mean, i think it's pretty obvious what we should be talking about. >> "coda" winning best picture! it was so good, and so well deserved. >> james: absolutely, yeah. >> ian: okay, that was a pretty big moment, but there was also... >> ariana debose making oscar history! >> james: i love that. i love that. it's a huge mome.


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