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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  September 12, 2022 11:35pm-12:36am PDT

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night everyone. captioning sponsored by cbs >> congresswoman lauren boebert is facing backlash after implying that jesus could have defended himself from crucifixion if he had assault rifles. >> the little twitter trolls, they like to say, "oh, jesus didn't need an ar-15." "how many ar-15s do you think jesus would have had?" well, he didn't have enough to keep his government from killing him. >> coming soon to broadway: lauren boebert's "jesus christ superstar."
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>> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert!"
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captioning sponsored by cbs >> announcer: it's "the late
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show with stephen colbert!" tonight: deep doc secrets! plus, stephen welcomes: alex wagner and, roy wood, jr. featuring louis cato and the late show band! and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( ♪ theme song playing ♪ ) >> stephen: hey! welcome, welcome. oh! age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: have a good season. >> louis: nice season! >> stephen: have a good season. have a good season. have a good season. have a good season. have a good season. have a good season. happy tuesday! hey, everybody. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. down there, up there. oh, my goodness. sit down! you're too nice. welcome, welcome ladies and gentlemen, please, please, please. welcome, one and all, in here, out there, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. and we're back, baby! after a three-week hiatus. and it was magical. i went on vacation. taylor swift announced a new album. harry styles did not spit on me, and the walls started closing in on former president darth traitor. turns out, stashing top secret government documents in the basement of your country club is, to use some technical jargon, "super illegal." allegedly. allegedly. since the f.b.i. obtained a search warrant for mar-a-lago at the beginning of august, the d.o.j. has begun building a pretty strong case against the former president. which might be why, as a stalling tactic, he filed a motion requesting a "special master" to review the documents seized by federal agents.
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i got to say... "special master." ( laughter ) actually sounds kind of kinky. ( darth vader voice ) "you will address me as special master, and you will submit... your motion to dismiss no later than 3:00 p.m. friday. now beg for my gavel." normally, normally, the purpose of a special master is to go through all the documents and determine which ones are relevant to the case and which might be protected by something like attorney-client privilege. but, given the national security implications here, most legal minds assumed a judge wouldn't do anything to hinder the investigation. but yesterday, federal judge aileen cannon granted the former president's request to appoint a special master, and barred the justice department from using the seized materials for any "investigative purpose" until the work was completed. but that's going to slow everything down, aileen! you know the old saying: "justice delayed is just what
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he wants because he just needs time to shred the evidence." ( laughter ) perhaps most bizarrely-- ( laughter and applause ) this how you do it? >> louis: you're good, you're good. >> stephen: perhaps most bizarrely, cannon's ruling orders the special master to look out for documents potentially shielded by executive privilege. but, he's not the executive anymore! joe biden is. so he doesn't have any privilege here! that's like saying to a bad cop, "all right, you're fired. give me your badge and your gun. but, you can keep the car. because we know you love the siren." and you can keep the gun." judge cannon-- judge cannon appears to be giving the former president special treatment. as part of her logic here, she writes that "as a function of plaintiff's former position as president of the united states, the stigma associated with the subject seizure is in a league of its own." yes! forget "no one is above the law."
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this president is in a league of his own. just ask tom hanks: >> there's no laws in mar-a-lago! >> stephen: that is-- ( laughter ) delayed, very quick. ( applause ) don't enjoy it too much. this decision is bonkers! and don't take it from me. here's a sample of reactions from the actual legal community. >> this decision is quite unmoored from practicality. >> this is a legally wrong decision. >> the judge is basically making this up as she goes along. >> it's factually incoherent or factually naive in a number of respects. >> the defense is wrong! ( laughter ) >> stephen: "wrong!" >> louis: "wrong!" >> stephen: "the defense is wrong." so, why is judge cannon going so far out on this very, very stupid legal limb?
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i don't know, maybe because she was appointed by the former president, and confirmed just days after the presidential election in november 2020. so, she's a brand new judge-- ( audience reacts ) --who was handpicked by the guy doing the crimes, to preside over the jurisdiction that includes the place where he was committing the crimes. that's like if the head ref at the super bowl was tom brady's dad. "pass interference: defense. first down: my beautiful boy. so strong. so beautiful." ( applause ) it's not like the justice department didn't give the judge a preview of how dumb this decision would be. last week, they filed a 36-page response full of juicy details about what they found: more than 100 documents with classification markings, including 18 marked top secret, 54 secret, and 31 confidential. ( "12 days of christmas" ) ♪ and the nuke codes for the saudis! ♪
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now, contrary-- why would the saudis want the nukes? why would the saudis-- why would they want the nukes? contrary to what the former president claims, secret documents were found all over mar-a-lago, including the former president's office. look at that carpet! it's the second-worst presidential rug i've ever seen. ( laughter ) there you go. thank you, thank you. now bear in mind, the former president was keeping highly- sensitive material at a club that hosts weddings, galas, and other large events, where outsiders are common and many employees, as well as some visitors, are foreign nationals. yes! and instead of a mint on their pillow, some mar-a-lago guests received an origami swan. ( laughter ) the government also told the judge how many attempts they made to get the classified material back voluntarily, pointing out that the former
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president's lawyer, christina bobb, turned over 38 classified documents and then signed a statement swearing that, after a thorough search, no other classified material was found in the storage area. but, then, "explicitly prohibited government personnel from opening or looking inside any of the boxes that remained in the storage room." so? i don't know why they were suspicious. the boxes were clearly marked "christmas stuff." ( laughter and applause ) the feds-- you just use the-- ( applause ) the feds also recovered documents related to the use of "clandestine human sources" in intelligence gathering. that means lists of our secret operatives in foreign governments! why would he have those? is he writing a new spy thriller? "tinker, tailor, soldier, woman, man, camera, tv."
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( cheers and applause ) almost as disturbing as what the f.b.i. found is what they didn't find, because "43 empty folders with classified banners were taken from a box or container at the office, along with an additional 28 empty folders labeled as 'return to staff secretary' or military aide." now, his defenders have said "see? some of those folders are empty! there's nothing wrong with that!" how true. much in the same way finding condoms in your wife's purse is upsetting, but finding empty condom wrappers in your wife's purse is fine. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) upsetting. while the ex-president feels the walls closing in, joe biden has been riding high. he passed his big climate bill,
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gas prices are dropping, and-- and-- this weekend, he found a quarter behind his grandson's ear. okay? paying down the deficit, right there. with all joe's momentum, or "moment-joe," he's hitting the trail now with a fall campaign message: "the republicans who keep acting like fascists, are acting kind of like fascists." he kicked it off at a fundraiser in maryland, when he said, "it's not just the ex-president. it's the entire philosophy that underpins the-- i'm going to say something-- it's like semi-fascism." now, some people think that's the wrong thing to say. and i agree. semi? it's not like they tried to overthrow the election jus' a lil' bit. last week, biden emphasized the threat facing our democracy in a primetime address, delivered from, i want to say... skeletor's house? ( laughter )
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it was-- just some red lights. just red lights. >> louis: ♪ skeletor! ♪ >> stephen: pull out, it's red, white and blue, it's fine. it was an urgent and prescient warning that our democracy is in on the edge of disaster. so, naturally, the three main broadcast networks declined to carry the speech, instead showing "law & order," "young sheldon," and "press your luck." which is basically what america is playing with all these authoritarian candidates. no fascist, no fascist, no fascist! ♪ ♪ ♪ ( buzzer ) d'oh! >> ( gremlin gibberish ) ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ( bleep ) grongler! yesterday, biden went to
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wisconsin to deliver his anti- maga warning, and he noticed a heckler in the audience. >> by the way-- >> ( man shouting ) >> all right. god love ya! let him go. let him go. ( audience booing ) no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. don't-- let him-- let him go. let him-- he's-- look, everybody is entitled to be an idiot. ( applause ) no, no. everybody is entitled. okay? >> stephen: "come on. no, no, no, no, no. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, let him go. everyone's entitled to be an idiot. a lil' ding-dong dumbdingler. a regular chicken-spined gingersnap. a real no-taffy galoot! excuse my french. and every idiot is entitled to meet me behind the bleachers after this speech so i can introduce them to my two friends, 'no joke,' and 'i mean it, folks'." now--
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"no, no, no, no, no, no. nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh... nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh... nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh... nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-no, no." you know what that means. in his speech, biden tried out some new names for these dangerous, anti-democratic forces. >> maga republicans. the extreme right. the-- the-- the "trumpies." >> stephen: by which he means the former president's enablers, not to be confused with the award show of the same name. we have a great show! ( cheers and applause ) my guests are my guests are msnbc's alex wagner, and "the daily show's" roy wood, jr. but when we come back, are the robots coming for your jobs? the answer: beep-beep-boop.
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( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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give it up for the band! louis cato and the late show band, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) good to see y'all. >> louis: good to see you, man. >> stephen: good to see you folks tonight. i missed y'all. >> louis: missed you too, man. good to be back. >> stephen: it was lovely. this was-- ( cheers and applause ) please have a seat, everybody. thank you so much. i missed that energy. it was nice to have all this time off. we had a really nice long summer break. anybody do anything fun over the break, over there? >> louis: yeah, endea did a tiny desk. >> i did a tiny desk-- npr's tiny desk, with my band. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ahhhh, yeah! ( cheers and applause ) i can go watch that now, right? it's out? can i watch it now? >> you can watch it right now. >> stephen: that's fantastic. i went to-- ( child voice ) i went to france. >> louis: ooh! ( child voice ) >> stephen: yeah, i went t ( laught) ughter )di wear pan. i heard! but everybody had pants on. it was very disappointing. >> louis: ( laughs ) >> stephen: you know what i did? this is very interesting. i went to french bull-fighting. and in france, they don't hurt the bull. >> louis: oh, that's cool. >> stephen: they do that in spain. in france, they have these things called bull races, where eight guys get in the ring with these big bulls, and they
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run away from the bull. and if that's the sport? i'm a natural! ( laughter ) oh, hey, alex wagner-- msnbc's alex wagner is going to be out here in just a moment. she's always a tremendous guest. ( cheers and applause ) and-- very funny man. very funny man from "the daily show," roy wood, jr. is here tonight. ( cheers and applause ) that's very exciting. so, stick around for that. folks, as you know, i am a massive tech head. i'm so tech-savvy, i invested all my bitcoins in google glass. ( laughter ) it's going to happen! and i like to tell you all about the latest tech in my segment, "cyborgasm." ♪ ♪ ♪ ( eers and applause )
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♪ ♪ stephat'she lon opener wve fiup rolling out an option ttsee o e should go smoothly. "hey, son. can you show me how to use the app-shop to get the chat-snap? i just-- just want to use it to spy on ya. while we're at it, who is 'apple i.d.' and how does he have our credit card number?" next up, word is that "scientists have developed a small robot to understand how ants teach one another," using the robot to learn how "an ant that has discovered a much better new nest can teach the route there to another individual." the final step will be convincing the dad ants to actually use those directions. ( laughter ) "nope, no! we're taking the rotten twig past the old oreo on the sidewalk. there's no-- no way it's busy this time of day-- aw, man! a leaf? everyone's slowing down to look at the leaf! hey, guys, we've all seen leaves! keep it moving!"
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( laughter and applause ) really? ( cheers and applause ) scientists found that if they angou, "the pil anlearns the route thananhe on.wayhu the lion of b, costco sam ( laer ke a lat the kirklan batteries, past the canoes, and it's a paradise of teriyaki meatballs! go, go! i must tell the others!" ( laughter and applause ) so sweet. next up, italy's got a new "bartending robot that makes drinks and remembers what you like." it has large robotic arms extending from a "torso" dressed in a vest and a bowtie, with a monitor-based "face" that sits on top, all of which looks like this. and...
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( laughter ) that's a hard pass. ( laughter ) i don't want this thing to remember anything about me. ( laughter ) next up, "restaurant robots are coming to new jersey." so far, "wing zone and white castle are investing in robotics." great. maybe next they'll invest in food. ( laughter ) chipotle-- ( cheers and applause )lelso dea robot named "chippy," which cooks and seasons chipotle's chips with salt and fresh lime juice. with one exec explaining the move, saying "it started with, 'how do we remove some of the dreariness of a worker standing at the fryer, and frying chip basket after chip basket'?" well, this should fix it. "hey, everybody! we've figured out a way to make working for us not feel like a soul-destroying pit of despair. we'll have an emotionless robot take away your jobs! ( laughter ) why is everyone crying? why is everyone crying? ( cheers and applause )
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the robots don't cry." ( laughter ) we'll be right back with msnbc's alex wagner. i'm lindsey vonn, and ever since i retired from skiing, i've had trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. you know, insomnia. before i found quviviq, an fda-approved insomnia medication for adults. you would not believe the things i used to think about when i couldn't sleep. hey, linds. i need you to sign this business contract. all 114 pages. lindsey, lindsey!! hey, lindsey! it's workout time. hey, big man, we're in the middle of something here. yeah, it's called physical fitness.
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have you seen my new phone yet? it like, folds in half. i would never switch to samsung, i love my phone. what??? ♪♪ ( folds in half.) you see i love my phone. i would never switch to samsuuu... (gasping) ♪♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody!
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welcome back. ( cheers and applause ) beautiful. love it. welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is a journalist you know from showtime's "the circus." she's now hosting "alex wagner tonight" on msnbc. please welcome back to "the late show," alex wagner! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: all right. >> okay. >> stephen: so nice to see you again. >> it's so nice to be back again. >> stephen: i always enjoyed talking to you when you were over here for "the circus." now you've got your own gig over there on msnbc. >> i do. >> stephen: and i'm glad that you're my first guest here after me being off for a few weeks for the summer, so you can, you know, lay out the parts on the lawn for me. what did-- did i miss anything? >> no, just-- it's been a lot of search warrants and swimsuits! ( laughter ) it's been an exciting-- >> stephen: poolside of mar-a-
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lago? >> you know how it is in august: 'tis the season for special masters. >> stephen: ooh, hoo, hoo. don't go too far. >> yeah. >> stephen: this is cbs. >> just-- just right up to the line. >> stephen: this is cbs. , lkut thi whs aptege, aien cann--ileeon. the fmepren confirmed after-- >>st >> stephen: l>> a he dise tephen: he did lose. and the judge just happened to be-- the jurisdiction just happens to include mar-a-lago, which is fascinating. >> yeah. coincidence? >> stephen: yes. ( laughter ) she granted the request for a special master. >> she did. >> stephen: what is a special master? like, what is this person supposed to be doing? >> well, apart from a very antiquated term... >> stephen: yeah. >> the special master is someone who is an independent arbiter, who in this case is going to look over potential claims of "privilege," which is to say attorney-client privilege, or, more controversially, executive privilege.
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and there are 11,000 documents we are talking about here, stephen, that have been seized since the beginning of august. >> stephen: so are they going to have to go, like, page by page? >> i mean... >> stephen: do you have any idea? or are they just going to go, like, these have the thing on the top that says "super-secret, don't ever take home." >> this one has yellow, that says "top secret, don't touch, donald trump." >> stephen: exactly! is that-- >> no, it is going to take-- i mean, in theory, if we go forward, if the justice department doesn't appeal this, this is going to take a long time. i mean, by the way, because first, you have to decide on who the special master or special mistress is. and you can imagine that there is a lot of sunlight between... ( laughter ) ...the d.o.j. and the trump l teamn thisgh i mean-- >> stephen: but they have to come to a mutually-agreed-upon person. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: so, his lawyers have to agree with the d.o.j.'s lawyers about what constitutes as a neutral arbiter? >> yes, yes, yes, in theory. i mean, you could have, like-- >> stephen: this is never going to happen! >> like, "we want rudy giuliani!" "well, we'd like barack obama." i mean, like, it's impossible to imagine a scenario where-- and then that person also, by the way, has to happen to-- has to happen to have top secret
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classified security clearance. >> stephen: because that's the craziest part of this, which i just love, is that he keeps saying, "it's all unclassified, it's all unclassified. i declassified everything." >> yes. abracadabra! >> stephen: abraca-- yeah, yeah, yeah. omini-domini, you know, everybody-- olly-olly, oxen free. >> all the things. >> stephen: it's all declassified. but when his lawyers applied for the special master, they said, now, the special master has to be someone of high security clearance, because this is all classified material. ( laughter ) >> admitting that none of it's declassified! >> stephen: right. >> in fact, part of the reason that the classification, the declassification process is so rigorous is because trump, when he was president, would tweet out declassification. like, abracadabra, i have declassified these documents, via twitter. and basically, behind the scenes, the d.o.j. had to work to ensure you couldn't actually declassified things by twitter! because then the press was like, oh, if it's declassified, we want it, too. and so the sort of system by uh ause tree harve
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of dontrump's intyright ck on o. >> stephen: oh, so, okay, so... >> yes, it's a lot. so to your earlier question-- this could take a long time. >> stephen: there's so much to drink in. >> this could take a very long time, because if the special master, if they somehow find "the wizard" who has the top secret clearance, that both parties agree to, that person then has to review 11,000 documents, right? we are headed toward the mid-term elections, which are in november. all this investigating is supposed to happen outside of the political calendar. and then, you know, we're talking about 11,000 documents that could not-- that both sides could not agree that some of those documents are privileged. >> stephen: but doesn't-- the special master gets to decide. >> yeah, but you can appeal the special master's decision. >> stephen: so it is a great clock-gobbler? as we call it in the game. >> oh, for sure! it could take years, it could gobble years, i mean, depending on what the special master does. so far, the d.o.j. has set aside 500 documents that they say are privileged. the special master has 11,000 to choose from. now, if this person is
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particularly aggressive, or not aggressive enough, either trump or the d.o.j. could appeal it. i mean, my sense is the d.o.j. would like to wrap this up quickly, but you know donald trump loves nothing more than a delay. >> stephen: well, there is also the-- it has been-- the idea has been put out there that the d.o.j. should really, based on basehiidencee.e theyhod lookt trump towe because why woul jgo? he's got this stst yw ckso t clo gobbling is an important part of this, because it gives him a chance-- allegedly-- to destroy the rest of the evidence, doesn't it? >> it is cbs. >> stephen: yeah. >> yeah, listen, this is someone who had 48 empty folders that were marked classified, right? >> stephen: i know! >> and that is just at trump tower. i don't-- sorry, just at mar-a-lago. i don't know that he knows where everything is! this stuff was mixed in with his passports and an old shoe and a raincoat and a razor blade-- ( laughter ) i'm not even making up that! that's literally stuff that was
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in the boxes that he gave back to the department of justice. >> stephen: why would a former president have three passports? >> ( laughs ) >> stephen: he had three passports! >> i mean, at this stage, i want three passports! because who knows how this all turns out, you know? >> stephen: sure! new zealand seems nice. >> right? totally! canada is great in the summer. >> stephen: we have to take a quick break, but please stick around. we'll be right back with more with msnbc's alex wagner, everybody. i have moderate to severe ulcerative colitis. so i'm taking zeposia, a once-daily pill.
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i believe prop 27 is the right thing to do. i had experienced being in shelters at a young age. having nothing. prostituting. we don't choose this life. i never knew what safe was until i came to city of refugee. people that's coming through these doors are trying to break the cycle. prop 27 will help provide more funding for places like this and help people get off the streets. it feels good to have a place to call home. support prop 27.
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>> stephen: hey, everybody, we're back here with msnbc's alex wagner. >> that's me! >> stephen: so, hey, now, have you heard? i mean, obviously, if these are the documents that the d.o.j. says they are, there is no excuse for having them. the law is pretty clear, from what i have been told. but, have you heard, in your reporting, anybody, any ally, any water carrier for the former president, explaining why he would have them? even putting up a theory of why he would have them? >> i mean, listen, again, this is a jump into the dark hole that is donald trump's mind chamber, and i'm not sure anybody-- i'm not sure there is a specific reason, other than this guy, a, is a hoarder. this is someone-- and i don't mean, like, a clinical hoarder. but, you know, he likes squirreling away stuff he thinks is interesting, whether it's shaquille o'neal's basketball shoe or a love letter from kim jong-un. like, this is a guy who takes-- >> stephen: those are all real things. ( laughter ) >> those are-- again, i'm not making this up! ( laughter ) thisreal sff.
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and so, some could be the impulse to take "mementos." but the other is, you know, he sort of has run his business like a crime syndicate, and like, maybe this was leverage. maybe this was a way for him to get back at potential enemies. or maybe this was leverage for future business dealings. i mean, who knows? maybe it was none of it. but, he has-- throughout all of this, never answered the very simple question-- why did you take the stuff, and why won't you give it back? >> stephen: the second dumbest thing that he did-- other than be like, "by the way, the special master has to have clearance," is-- the second dumbest thing is to say that he knew that it was okay for him to have them because he declassified them. that is admitting that he knew he had them. >> yes. >> stephen: so they knew his state of mind. he-- they-- he knew. >> he knew he had them. >> stephen: he had these things. and the mishandling of documents is a crime for which he called for the death penalty for people! >> oh, i mean, look-- ( laughs ) do the rules apply to him? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i'm not saying--
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i don't believe in the death penalty! i don't believe that should be the case! >> nor do i. >> stephen: i'm not saying death penalty. i don't believe in the death penalty. but he said that about julian assange and snowden. >> yes! listen, first of all, when the photo came out, of all the documents splayed out on the floor, he didn't say "i never had those documents." he said, "i didn't leave them in that condition! ha in"-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: those top secret-- >> "i had them in cartons!" >> stephen: with my "time" magazine covers! >> like, "i am not messy! they were in my-- like, the last bin in my shoe closet, very nicely stacked!" i mean, he didn't say that part, but he did insist that he kept shouldn't have had in the first place-- very neatly stored. and yes, he could very well-- i mean, other people have gone to jail for this. >> stephen: okay, so, given that we don't-- you know, no one ever knows what's going to happen anywhere, but there is a lot of, you know, very gravel-covered, very narrow, dangerous cliffs forward for america. does that make you more or less excited to have your own television show now, to talk about all of this? >> you know, if it's all ending, i might as well be on tv talking about it live. you know, like, as i fall--
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as we all fall off the cliff together. it's an exciting time to be a journalist. it's a distressing time to be an american. >> stephen: so, what can we expect-- ( cheers and applause ) at 9:00 p.m. on msnbc, tuesday through friday? what is the alex wagner show going to be like? >> listen, it is, we will-- oh, rachel maddow has done an amazing and important thing in that hour, and i hope to carry through some of the rigor and intelligence and the humor and just the joi de vive that she has for the topics. that is something i hope to carry with us tuesday through friday. but also, you're going to see some different stuff. i was on "the circus." you're going to see stuff from the field. i think news happens outside of the acela corridor, and i hope to take our viewers to places in the country that they don't often see, and hear from people that are, you know, at the center of these very heated debates that we're having as a country. >> stephen: well, alex, thank you very much for being here. >> thank you, stephen. >> stephen: good to see you again. "alex wagner tonight" airs tuesdays through fridays on msnbc. it's alex wagner, everybody! we'll be right back with "the daily show's" roy wood jr.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back. folks, you know my guest tonight as a stand-up comedian, and a correspondent on "the daily show." his new film is "confess, fletch."
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>> so, what do we know about this victim? >> like we're going to tell you? >> laurel dilton's from worcester, was living in allston with two roommates, worked at a cambridge cafe as a barista. >> we're telling you. >> ms. dilton was pursuing a career in the art world. >> hmm. >> interesting connection. >> well, i either just walked into a frame-up, or somebody from my past is trying to get revenge on me. >> who hates you? besides grace. >> well, i did putteomint peop e "news tribune" in los angeles. >> i looked into your criminal record. >> and? >> bad check charge. two contempt of court charges. a number oay>> 100of mosof those >> stephen: please welcome back to "the late show," roy wood jr! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( cheers and applause ) >> yeah! ( band playing ) yeah! >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> good to see you. >> stephen: and i will start out with, apropos of nothing-- you're always taller than i think, when you come on here. >> that's because on the "daily show," trevor be making my chair short. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i was wondering! does he do that thing where his chair is a little bit higher than everybody else's? >> yeah, but it's good, man. it's good. i'm blessed to still be working. it's good to be back. >> stephen: it's always good to be working. >> congratulations to a black man on the first week of a new job. good to see louis over there. >> stephen: exactly, louis cato. and the late show band. ( cheers and applause ) killing it! absolutely killing it tonight. ( cheers and applause ) >> that's a new job smile! i know that. i recognize the new job smile. ( laughter ) >> stephen: the last time you were here-- it has been too long, it was 2018. >> yeah. ain't a lot happened. >> stephen: no laug how you have been? >> my life now is therapy and multivitamins. ( laughter ) >> stephen: did one come first? >> and the vaccine. but if therapy or multivitamin can't solve it, i don't know what i'm going to do.
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>> stephen: wow. >> that's been my plan right now, just-- because, you know, during the pandemic, everybody started drugs and experimenting. and i might circle back to crack, but for now... ( laughter ) multivitamins. you know what is really messed up about multivitamins? it's the ultimate in american laziness. because it's basically, you don't want to take-- if you took all the vitamins, you'd be straight. but, i don't want to take all the vitamins! give me a little bit of every vitamin, in one vitamin. and then i will take that vitamin. ( laughter ) >> stephen: the ultimate laziness of america is, if you just ate a ( bleep ) vegetable, you wouldn't need any of the multivitamins. ( laughter and applause ) >> yeah, also that. also that. but it's been fun-- it's been fun trying to figure all this stuff out, all these new concoctions and stuff that's been coming out during the pandemic. i don't-- >> stephen: but-- if-- sorry. >> i don't know what an elderberry is. what is that? ( laughter ) >> stephen: you can make wine from it. i know elderberry wine, you can do that. >> i went to school, i thought we covered all the berries. ( laughter )
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straw, rasp, blue, et cetera. ( laughter ) >> stephen: black. >> yeah, black, of course, how did i forget black? ( laughter ) but elder just came out of nowhere. i was like, all right, i'll see what this elderberry is all about. >> stephen: it's older than the other berries. that's-- ( laughter ) what more do you need to know? >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: but, you like the therapy? because i'm a big fan of therapy. >> yeah, yeah, it's been a really good journey, you know, to be able to discover-- to pay someone money to discover who in your circle is also not paying people money. ( laughter ) all therapy do is show you everybody in your life who aren't going to therapy, and then somehow you become their therapist! so, like, you start using the tricks you learned-- you know what you should try? you need to find your attachment style and unpack that. ( laughter ) you know. oh, also, i apologize, there is a little rasp in my voice. >> stephen: why are you so raspy? >> strip club with t-pain in
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hawaii. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm sorry, go back. you were at a strip club with t-pain in hawaii-- when? when did this happen? >> this is-- i can't be telling you that! ( laughter ) it was about a week ago. >> stephen: about a week ago. why would your throat be raspy after going to a strip club? ( laughter ) >> i can't be telling it you everything, man. i can't tell you everything. >> stephen: i have never been invited into that room. >> well, first step is to get on t-pain's podcast and build rapport. >> stephen: okay. >> as i did. i showed up to that regular. and then, when you're just out in public at random times, t-pain appears, like the strip club wizard, and goes, "here, it is time," and then he takes you-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: were you in hawaii, and he just found you, or did you go to hawaii to go to this event? >> no, no, no, we were both doing shows in hawaii, and we are both cool, we're down-south brothers. so he came to the show. and after the show, he was just like, where do you want to go? and i'm like, to bed. and t-pain said no. ( laughter ) and so here we are! >> stephen: and hence the raspy voice. >> yeah.
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>> stephen: well, yesterday was labor day. you've got your own podcast called "roy's job fair," where you talk to the regular folks out there. ( applause ) about different industries, about their jobs. why did you want to do that? >> so, i did morning radio in birmingham for ten years and one of the things we did in the 9:00 hour, it was we would just invite listeners-- if you were working somewhere that's hiring, call our show and tell us, so that people who are unemployed will just know. it was kind of like an audible craigslist, back in, like '03, '04. and so, when the pandemic hit and unemployment rose, i was trying to figure out a way to do that again, and the station i worked at in birmingham had already fired me, so that wasn't an option. ( laughter ) so, podcasting we go. and it's been great. you learn about so many different industries, from preachers to sex workers to politicians, all the way to school teachers and students stealing their laptops. and, what started as-- they do. what started as something that was just to legitimately help
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people to know they are not alone in their employment journey, has turned into something where just a community of people call in and just share what they're doing, and it might be something that you want to do. and i think, for as long as we live in a world where we know we are not alone and struggling, we maybe can make it to tomorrow. so that is what the broadcast's about. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that is a little therapy right there. >> that is therapy, yeah! >> stephen: all right. you have a six-year-old son, and this is back to school week, you know, after labor day. what-- what-- i would assume-- assume your boy is going into first grade? >> yeah, yeah. get him out of the house. get him out. >> stephen: how is that going? >> get out. get out this house. >> stephen: yep. >> you know, it's bittersweet, because, you know, these-- you know, these moments with children when they're 6, 7, 8... for me at least, i know these are the last moments as a father that i will be able to help him with his homework. and i know-- ( laughter ) --that eventually i'm just going to have to say good-bye. that is why i'm kind of rooting for c.r.t. and all that stuff.
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yeah, take all that stuff out of the history books, so he can get-- he'll graduate at age nine. ( laughter ) you know they're taking history out of the books? they're starting to take science out of the books. at this point, a high school grad going to be 11 years old. and then? i can help my son with his homework, if you take science all together out the books? sign me up! >> stephen: you have some science credentials here, because i saw, we got this tweet from you here. okay, this is "roy wood jr., ex-jedi," which is your twitter handle. it says, "6th grade, i forgot the science fair was next day. 10:00 p.m. in a panic i find a loaf of molded bread my pops forgot to throw out. made a study on mold, moisture and air. got second place in the school, fifth in the city. bread so moldy i was praised for conducting weeks of research." ( cheers and applause ) >> you're welcome. ( cheers and applause ) win is win, bro. >> stephen: that's good. >> win is win. >> stephen: now, when did people find out? did you ever confess to this? >> just now. ( laughter )
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>> stephen: roy, thank you so much for being here. ( cheers and applause ) the new movie, "confess, fletch" is in theaters and on demand september 16. it's roy wood jr., everybody! we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready, y'all to have some fun ♪ and feel the love tonight


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