so much that they have had to hire more staff to meet demand. yes, i'm sure it helps >>that he's >>adorable. >>oh my gosh, he kind of reminds me of that. it's corn. >>oh yes. >>yes, >>i love a good cute kid. viral video. >>that kid should never pay for a meal >>ever >>again. certainly >>yogurt. he's got some riz >>as the >>kids. yes. >>yeah. very very good. thank you. thank you. pat >>myself. >>on the >>back. all right. i think maybe from your son >>or something. probably. yes. yes, that sounds right. thanks >> president trump has arrived in saudi arabia, the first stop on this trip as he faces fallout over the plan to accept the luxuries jet from qatar. >> needs to be thoroughly vetted for listening devices and tracking devices. >> and now a message from the

kingdom of saudi arabia. >> in the spirit of qatar's gift to the resident also acknowledging the security concerns of accepting of foreign countries jumbo jet, saudi arabia is proud to offer president trump this magnificent arabian stallion. there are no security concerns because how could a horse spy on you? it's just a normal horse doing normal horse things. he's so friendly. take them anywhere. the oval office, the situation room, or even high-level negotiations with israel. horse. the safe luxury gift alternative. >> i love horses! >> we're a horse. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert!" tonight... bribezilla! plus, stephen welcomes alexander skarsguard! professor brian cox! and father james martin. featuring louis cato and "the late show" band!

and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. hello! oh, my goodness. i didn't know you were coming. please have a seat, my friends. thank you very much. thank you, marcus. welcome. welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] ladies and gentlemen, we're starting off tonight with some urgent breaking news. according to several texts from my children, today is my birthday. can we confirm that? [cheers and applause] is it possible? yes! yes, we have fact-checked it. it is today, may 13th, according to my wikifeet account, which also gave me my birthday wish:

five-star tootsies! you will be receiving a thank-you note, foot-pervs of the world. it's also a big day for the president. because donald trump is on the first international trip of his new term, visiting saudi arabia. yes. yes, donald trump left the country today. so i got another birthday wish. [cheering] there you go! way ahead of me. way ahead of me. [applause] a president visiting saudi arabia on his first official trip is a bit unusual. normally -- back when we had normal -- presidents would make their first international trip to the u.k. or canada or any close ally. but like everything, trump's decision seemed to come down to a highest-bidder approach, and as he said in march, "last time i went to saudi arabia, they put up $450 million." "okay, i'm goin' around the palace with a big bag.

come on. just drop your bribe right in. qatar gave me a jet. can you beat a jet? how about a solid gold ski-doo?" he landed in riyadh this morning, where he got a lavish welcome, greeted by saudi crown prince mohammed bin salman on a sumptuous carpet, purple, made out of hand-harvested journalist nurple. the crown prince pulled out all the stops to make trump feel at home, even providing an actual mobile mcdonald's semi-truck. this is true. yes, of course one of the most rewarding things about traveling the globe is getting a chance to sample the local nugget truck. naturally, after a long plane ride and a hundred-degree carpet stroll, trump got a little nappy and drifted off to sleepytown. who knows what marvelous things he dreamt of! [chimes jingle]

okay, yeah. that makes sense. [applause] just a gentle reminder, u.s intelligence has determined that mohammed bin salman ordered the murder and dismemberment of washington post journalist and saudi dissident jamal khashoggi. so here's how trump talked about him. >> i like him a lot. i like him too much. that's why we give so much, you know? too much. i like you too much. >> stephen: "i like you too much! you're like the son i never had. what's that? how many? the guy with the gums? god, that's depressing." bring the nugget truck back! it's been a full 24 hours, and yet the anti-open-corruption spoil-sports out there are still giving trump a hard time about accepting a simple $400 million bribe-jet from qatar. even the "fox and friends"

are questioning it. yesterday, one of the "and friends," brian kilmeade, asked white house press secretary karoline leavitt this surprisingly reasonable question. >> do you worry that if they give us something like this, they want something in return? >> absolutely not, because they know president trump, and they know he only works with the interests of the american public in mind. >> stephen: "that's absolutely right. no, no. i never think about donald trump. all i think about is the american public and how much they'd like to buy this 'donald trump only thinks about the american public' t-shirt. available... there you go. folks, it's available on donaldtrump.com. for only 75 donald trump coins. free shipping if you give me a jet. limit...

one shirt per jet." elected republicans are also speaking out about "grift force one." like florida senator and haunted slim jim, rick scott. senator scott was asked about trump taking the plane from qatar and replied "they support hamas, so i don't know." not exactly drawing a line in the sand. reminds me of when abraham lincoln declared "a house divided against itself... i dunno." oh, hey, here's something fun. this past weekend, right? this past weekend, rfk jr. took his grandkids for a dip in a sewage-contaminated creek for mother's day. okay, that's an unusual mother's day brunch. "and what can i get you folks started on?" "nothing for me. i'm saving room to eat a bunch of poop in a creek later. thank you very much." the sewage water in question is washington d.c.'s rock creek, where, because of high levels of bacteria and other infectious pathogens,

swimming is banned. despite that, bobby posted "mother's day hike in dumbarton oaks park with amaryllis, bobby, kick, and jackson, and a swim with my grandchildren, bobcat and cassius, in rock creek." why is every word more insane than the last? [applause] he also tweeted "in honor of halloween, i took a silkwood shower with my nephew's ocelot and bosch washer dryer." anyway, i hope they're happy. of course, my ultimate birthday present is our new american pope, leo xiv. [applause] there you go. the more we learn about this fella, the more i like him. he's like a regular joe six-pope. for example, his brother john revealed that pope leo

regularly plays wordle. when it became apparent that prevost would be elected, filipino cardinal luis antonio tagle sat next to prevost and said that he noticed him taking deep breaths as votes amassed in his favor, adding, "i asked him, 'do you want a candy?' and he said 'yes.'" that is a heartwarming human gesture from cardinal tagle, and i just want to say to him "do not unwrap candy in church. the lord can hear you rustling. you are making the angels cry, luis! shh!" stop fidgeting! according to one cardinal, when the votes reached the two-thirds majority needed for leo to become pope, the room erupted in a standing ovation. "and he remained seated! somebody had to pull him up." that's actually very relatable, especially to easter and christmas catholics, who also don't remember when to stand or sit in church. during mass.

when in doubt, kneel. you'll seem holier than everyone else. leo is a big fan of villanova's basketball team, and a lot of their former players are currently on the knicks, so the school's chaplain said, "i think that pope leo will keep an eye on the nova knicks" seems crazy to have a pope who's a hoops fan. but it's right there in the bible. then jesus said unto them, "come on! that's a foul! are you blind, ref? because if so, my child, i will heal you." it's got a happy ending. yes. a little mud. in fact, knicks fans think that pope leo could mean an end to their nba championship drought. it's true. even last night's knicks win was blessed with an angelic presence, timothee chalamet. in addition to villanova, pope leo roots for chicago sports teams and the holy gambling community has noticed. ever since leo was chosen,

bettors have been flocking toward the bears, cubs, and villanova. that's a good call. 'cause when god picks his guy, you go big on his team. that's why i always bet on the dalai lama's favorite squad, yeah. [cheers and applause] as far as his baseball fandom, there's a little controversy. when leo was first announced as pope, it was reported that he was a fan of the chicago cubs, which that team celebrated by posting on their marquee: "hey, chicago, he's a cubs fan!" but after the cubs claimed leo, the pope's brother clarified, "he has always been a chicago white sox fan." okay, are we sure leo has a direct line to heaven? because based on the last three seasons, god ain't listenin'. chicago is so proud of their homegrown pope that they're honoring him in the most chicago

way possible: sandwiches. this week, portillo's unveiled the leo, which they describe as "a divinely seasoned italian beef, baptized in gravy and finished with the holy trinity of peppers: sweet, hot, or a combo." [applause] it sounds delicious. and it's perfect for devout catholics, because you eat at portillo's often enough, you're gonna meet jesus real soon. we got a great show for you tonight! i'll be talking to alexander skarsgard and professor brian cox. but when we come back, i'll discuss the new pope with a man who's met him, father jim martin. stick around, everybody. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: "the late show

with stephen colbert" sponsored by monopoly go. download monopoly go and play the new "star wars" event today.

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: louis cato and "the late show" band, everybody.

i don't know if you just joined us for they right over there in the monologue space that one of the things that i like about the new pope, leo xiv, is that he's a regular guy. and another thing i like about him is the name leo, which seems like a nickname for leonardo, but it's not. it's just leo. i like how casual it sounds. it's like his name is pope bob. it's friendly. and he says he chose the name pope leoin part to commemorate pope leo xiii for his commitment to social issues and workers' rights during the industrial revolution. leo xiv is not just the first american pope. he's also the first augustinian friar to become pope, and pope leo has chosen a motto based on the writing of augustine. "in illo uno unum" which means "in the one, we are one." which is a lovely thought. every pope gets a motto,

by the way. pope francis' roughly translated as "having mercy, he called him." and of course, pope benedict's was "now young skywalker, you will die." so, what is this new pope like? here to tell me is bestselling author, chaplain of the colbert nation, and man who has met the pope, father jim martin. father, thank you so much for being here. won't you please. good to see you. jim. also the author "come forth: the promise of jesus's greatest miracle." of let's talk about robert francis prevost. he's been known to the church but not the world. we are all finding out more about him. you've met the man. father, what is the pope like? speed do the most important thing to know is that he's a ni.

he's modest, humble, which is a rarity in the vatican. he's reserved, he is smart. but it's his -- as his augustinian brothers told me, he's no pushover. i think he's the perfect candidate. >> stephen: tough but gentle. >> fr. jim: yeah, i would say gentle but tough. yes. >> stephen: how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, father? conventional wisdom was that no american was going to be pope. why was that the conventional wisdom? why do you think that change? >> fr. jim: because people thought the united states already had enough power politically and economically and white give it them up easily. there is some anti-americanism in the vatican and among some cardinals. his experience was so overwhelming that he was the obvious candidate. the italian press described him as the least american of the americas. which is a complement in italy.

people from latin american saw him as one of their own. he was in peru, speaks perfect spanish. his knowledge of english was important for people in the far east in english-speaking africa. they found someone during the conclave they could literally talk to and understand. he is just a lovely person. people told me in the conclave that it wasn't so much what he said but how he said it. he's a really great guy. >> stephen: had press availability the other day and as he was leaving a reporter asked, do you have a message for america? he said many. and then pulp out. that's a minor drop. i'm not asking you to read the pope's mind but what do you imagine what he has taught before his message might be to those of us in the church in america? >> fr. jim: he will preach the gospel in season and out of them include standing up for the poor.

as you said earlier he took leo as a nod to leo the 13th who was the pope and started catholic social teaching. standing up for migrants, the poor. talks about being with people who suffer. he was working with people in peru. he's going to be strong with migrants and refugees. president trump and vice president vance are no longer going to be able to say the pope doesn't understand america. we can ignore him safely. i don't think that's going to be the case any longer. >> stephen: [laughs] >> fr. jim: that's a prediction. >> stephen: tough for j.d. vance right now. >> fr. jim: not to get too political but j.d. vance was tweeting stuff about st. augustine. i think you want to tweet stuff about st. auustine with an augustinian pope in the vatican. he's not going to be afraid to speak his mind. spiro he will go inquisition on

you. it's really striking to me. i was so moved. a, i didn't think it was going to be an american pulp and when i heard it was in a chicago pope because i love chicago so much. i was strangely move. i didn't expect it to be a moving thing but i got choked up when i heard. when i hear him speak not just english but american english, midwestern english, it makes -- changes my image of the pope. what do you think that's going to do for the american church to hear an american pulp speaking to them and our own vernacular. >> fr. jim: i think it's fine to be hugely significant. we tend to see the pope a somewhat distant. speaks with whatever kind of accent, spanish or italian. >> stephen: they all speak like this. >> frspeech would tell someone k the gospel. in your own accent. i heard him talking in english and i thought is this guy the

pope and the answer is yes. he is the pope. it's great. it brings the vatican closer and brings that church closer. it will be fascinating when he goes to chicago or villanova and he is the pope. >> stephen: can imagine them tearing in the stands? have you seen the footage of him at that 2005 white sox world series, it's like a 3-2 count and they cut to the stands and there is the pope. the pope watching the white sox game. he understand suffering, obviously. >> fr. jim: that's right. and miracles too. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thanks to your connection to the dicastery and education i was one of the comedians who got to meet the pope this past summer. thank you for that. i love francis and i loved getting to meet francis.

he was, a, 80, time changing and heart changing pope to listen to. what do you think his legacy is going to be? >> fr. jim: people remember him for the kind of person he was, mercy and love and compassion care and compassion. his outreach to the poor. ecclesial lee. he tried to bring people in from the margins and reach out to the peripheries. he was always doing that. like jesus did. we lost a great pope but i can't underline this enough we got a really good one, the holy spirit really did the holy spirit's work. i was moved to see them walk on the balcony and it's nice to see have the pope by someone you know. >> stephen: i hear you have his email. >> fr. jim: no comments. stephen i'm not going to pry it out of you. i will just steal your phone.

jim, good to see you again. follow james martin from everyboy. his latest book "come forth: the promise of jesus's greatest miracle" is out now. we'll be right back with alexander skarsgard. these reese's big cups have a layer of chocolate lava... not lava lava. i wanna eat lava! that stuff looks delicious! it's lava time, baby! nooooooo! don't eat lava. eat new reese's chocolate lava big cups.

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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. it's still my birthday. it's still my birthday. it's my birthday. welcome back. folks folk, you know him. you love him. he's an emmy award-winning actor you know from "big little lies," "succession," and "the northman," and he now stars in "murderbot." >> that corporation room, you are considered equipment. you have to do what we say. >> if i pulped your head between my hands. >> i'm requiring you to make and maintain eye contact. ♪ ♪

there you go. that's not so bad. >> it was so, so bad. >> stephen: please welcome back to "the late show," alexander skarsgard. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ won't you please. thank you very much. >> alexander: thank you. >> stephen: good to see you again. had your dad on last week. >> alexander: yeah. i saw it. >> stephen: he said we are mispronouncing the name. it's "scars-gourd."

>> alexander: yeah. >> stephen: what? >> alexander: happy birthday, stephen. >> alexander: did you know that it's stephen's birthday? >> stephen: i've said it a few times. i like to make sure. thank you very much. >> alexander: i have a little gift for you. >> stephen: you do? >> alexander: it's just a little something. it's a picture of me. [laughter] it's a little blurry. >> stephen: it is a little blurry. you can't see much but you appeared to be naked. >> alexander: no, no. i was surrounded by nonfamous people. i thought, it's a good size.

on your wallet come on your fridge if you want to share it with your family. happy birthday, my friend. >> stephen: i have a present for your father. when he was here, i said, alexander is going to be on next week. would you please have him pick up some groceries. so he said while he is in new york and he go down to the pickle man on the lower east side and get me pickles? so we did it as your father requested. i don't entirely understand why. is your father a big fan of pickles? >> alexander: here's the thing. i was watching the show from stockholm. my dad was in new york city. he was like, can you tell alex to get me -- he is a few blocks away from the store. i am in sweden. can you -- do you understand why he did

that? tell alex to get me stuff from the city than i am in and he is not. i was like -- >> stephen: is an unusual behavior for your father quequestion marks produced ligh. i was like go down and get your own damn pickles. has he exceeded his pickle quota? he didn't want to travel within? >> stephen: that is more than 3 ounces of pickle so i imagine he didn't want to pack this in his bag. >> alexander: he doesn't want to check a bag so he makes his sun check a bag instead. but being the great son that i am of course i will bring these pickles back to sweden to my d dad. >> stephen: every dad embarrasses their children in some ways. when you were growing up, i assume still in sc -- stellan skarsgard was no

different. >> alexander: not so much as a child. as a teenager a bit more. he wasn't a fan of clothes. i notice that he was wearing clothes when he was on your s show. making me proud. >> stephen: what do you mean? >> alexander: he wouldn't wear clothes that home really. >> stephen: so you would bring friends over? >> alexander: yeah. >> stephen: and dad would be in the living room naked? >> alexander: dancing salsa naked on his own while i brought friends over. as a kid it didn't really bother me. it wasn't until i started briging, when i was a teenager. i wanted to have a normal family. >> stephen: is it a common thing? are swedes very free with their body? >> alexander: definitely not. very puritanical. >> stephen: really? does he ever explain why? >> alexander: you had him on last week. you should've asked him. >> stephen: i did not know that he danced naked. i promise you it would've been

12 minutes of that if i knew. >> alexander: he will be back next week because you have a skarsgard on every week. >> stephen: we have to take a quick break. we'll be back with more alexander skarsgard, everybody. stick around. i can do whatever i want... as long as they don't find out. ♪ do you think we can trust it? stay calm. ♪ murderbot: whoa... eye contact. it seems like it's going through something. [explosions] stop staring at me. i wasn't. stop staring at me. ♪

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♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody. we're back with alexander skarsgard, star of "murderbot." they can film festival starts today or tomorrow? you're going to go over there for your film. >> alexander: pilion is a kinky gay biker film. fun for the whole family. >> stephen: that is pilion. >> alexander: it's the backseat of a motorcycle. it's a submissive dominant story. i play biker who takes on a pillion and he is k kind of my

boyfriend/sex slave/butler. we wrestle naked. >> stephen: you have been to cannes obviously before. is it fun? wants. not with the film. this was 20 years ago. i went -- i tried to get into some parties. >> stephen: what year are we talking? >> alexander: you would know, i don't remember. it was like one of the "lord of the rings." >> stephen: fellowship of the ring was 2001. 2002. 2003. >> alexander: one of those years they threw an incredible party at a castle. >> stephen: 2001 they showed the 26 minute sizzle reel before the movies were released. >> alexander: i was at that party. >> stephen: what? >> alexander: i didn't know i don't know how i got in.

i was just starting out but i was there with a bunch of friends. someone who knew someone who knew someone could get us in. so he went there. it was incredible. the how much they spent that they turned it into middle earth basically. we were drinking mead. i was making out with viggo mortensen. or a guy who looked like him at least. >> stephen: after enough meat, everybody looks like viggo mortensen. >> alexander: yeah. it was great. it was an incredible party. >> stephen: wow. there are many reasons to be jealous of you. i just found the best one. >> alexander: viggo mortensen or the party? the combination. >> stephen: the party. you star in a series on apple tv+ called "murderbot." based on a series of sci-fi books "the murderbot diaries." what is it about? >> alexander: a murderbot is a

security unit in a galaxy far, far away or it could be our galaxy but 500 years into the future. the security unit has hacked her module and gained independence, autonomy. it is calling itself murderbot and goes on these epic adventures but it starts to kind of procrastinate and figures out that it can tap onto -- log into the entertainment channels. it can download media. so instead of going on these bad ass adventures and becoming a murderbot it procrastinates and watches space soap operas. >> stephen: it becomes a couch potato? >> alexander: yeah. and kind of is planning these things put tomorrow. window watch a few more episodes of its favorite show.

>> stephen: you are the murderbot. >> alexander: yeah. but there is very little murder on the show. it's usually -- >> stephen: bot. speetwo's data. procrastinating bot. >> stephen: how do you prepare to play a robot? >> alexander: it's kind of relatable. socially awkward, loves to watch soap operas and it's appalled by physical intimacy. >> stephen: not a lot of salsa dancing naked? >> alexander: no. sue and alexander, good to see you. thank you so much for being h here. >> stephen: thank you for my present. i will treasure it. "murderbot" premieres friday on apple tv+. we'll be right back with professor brian cox.

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♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, friends. thank you very much. ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is an english physicist and television host who makes science accessible to the masses. he's just brought his live show, "horizons: a 21st century odyssey," to the united states. please welcome to "the late show," professor brian cox. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

there you go. nice to see you again. >> brian: happy birthday. >> stephen: thank you very much. it's been too long since we've got a chance to chat. world-renowned particle physicist. use your name with the actor brian cox. best known as logan roy" succession." here's the two of you together. do people ever get -- [applause] do people ever get confused when you show up? >> brian: that was at a restaurant. i had gone inverse and i said table for brian cox please and they all should made to the table and then he came in later and said table for brian cox may panic. oh, no, we've only got one table for these guys. >> stephen: double booked the same table? >> brian: we planned it that way. people do get worried. haley says to me, it's a 50/50

thing and i get in a car they will turn around and go "oh." they are "succession plan. they've got the things, questions about the size and scale of the universe and then he gets in. they ask him anyway sometimes. >> stephen: you've got th new live show. horizons, a 21st century space odyssey. >> brian: i am on is about an hour. >> stephen: let's get going. i want to ask you other stuff. the james webb telescope about a million miles out there. confirm the universe is expanding at an unexpected lay fast rate. first of all. why is an unexpectedly fast? why does it matter? >> brian: you right in some sense it doesn't matter but it matters in the future. the universe is expanding.

we found out decades ago that it's accelerating. it's expanding faster and faster. we don't really know why. in astronomy if you don't know what something is, you just put "dark" in front of it so we call it dark energy. there's something called dark energy would dominate the universe. that's three quarters of the energy in the universe. >> stephen: you know that it's there? it's measurable? >> brian: we know it's there because we measure the galaxies are moving apart from each other faster and faster so you can make that measurement. and then you infer that something has got to be stretching faster than we expected. >> stephen: stretching space feels a little weird. you're always galaxies. let's say all the galaxies in the world, a one by one by one cube. if i pulled the cube and made

the space of the cube bigger and the galaxies sort of stay in the sort of gelatinous materil of space that's inside of it and move with the size of the walls as i pull them out so they spread apart from each other, are they really expanding or are they just changing their position relative to each other because the space that they occupy is growing further apart. >> brian: it's a great question. talked about einstein's theory of general relativity. 1915. the theory of something called space-time. the fabric of the universe. this idea that space and time are kind of woven together enough fabric. the idea really is that fabric stretches. the first person to suspect that from mathematics, you were talking about the pope earlier, a priest, a catholic priest. he was the first to take the theory seriously and you mentioned the equation, this tendency for space to.

he reasoned that means everything was closer together in the past and he wrote a very famous letter to einstein and said your theory suggests there was a day. imagining from the mathematics he was imagining time when everybody. >> stephen: came up with the idea of the big bang. >> brian: often called the father of the big bang. in the earlier -- posting how can you be a priest and a physicist and mathematician. he said there are two roads the truth and i choose to take them both to the very beautiful answer. [applause] >> stephen: you've brought one of your favorite images and we have it. can we put it on the wall please? what are we looking out? >> brian: it's a beautiful photograph from the james webb space telescope. a tiny piece of sky that's much smaller than a full moon.

just tiny. in their almost everything, you can see a starlike object of the top which is a star in the milky way galaxy because we are looking through the galaxy. everything else in the photograph is a galaxy. all those things are roughly the size of the milky way. 400 billion suns. something like 10,000 galaxies in that single image. i think it's a humbling and beautiful and terrifying. one of the things that i say in my live show is the thing that accrues to anything about images like that is what does it mean to live a finite, fragile life in a infinite eternal universe. i say i don't know. nobody knows the answer to that question. imagine we are the only civilization in the milky way galaxy which is gas but it's a possibility. i would argue that word "meaning," what is it mean. whatever it exists it exists

clearly, that universe mean something to us. property of the mind, human brains, complex biology. employees may be the earth is very special notwithstanding its physical insignificant. it can be the only island of meaning in a galaxy of 400 billion suns. there is a clash of ideas. when you talk about cosmology, the physical insignificant spray 10,000 galaxy in a single patch of sky but it's this remarkable fact that collections of atoms like us exist. carl sagan said a physicist is a hydrogen atom's way of learning about hydrogen atoms. when you put it like that it's a remarkable thing to be. >> stephen: professor, thank you so much for being here. always lovely to talk to you. his live show is "horizons: a 21st century space odyssey." professor brian cox, everybody. we'll be right back.

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for the toughest jobs on planet earth. ♪♪ first you hear it. then you feel it. that's the crunchy, melt in your mouth feeling of ritz toasted chips. is always just around the corner waiting for your call. we come when it's convenient for you, not when it's convenient for us. when you want junk to disappear. all you have to do is point. we make space for possibilities. >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be nick kroll and emily osment. now stick around for "after midnight." good night! ♪ ♪