tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 31, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
>> ladies and gentlemen, please welcome forest yukonovich. >> stop me if you heard this. a journalist criticized the administration and he was shot dead in the street in broad daylight. here's another one: another journalist expressed dissent, and he was dropped out of window. did you hear the one about the reporter who was on the seafood
diet-- mostly poison sushi. funny because it's true. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes susan sarandon joey mcintyre. robert klein. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: wooo! wooo! hey! ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: hey! >> stephen: how are you? wooo! >> jon: wow! >> stephen: wooo!
( cheers and applause ) >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. it is friday, as i said before. quick question, just to start it off-- anybody here live in america? ( cheers and applause ) nice, a local crowd! so you're going to want to hear this. there's a new twist in the trump travel ban saga. as you know, a few weeks ago, trump tried a second time to ban people from certain muslim- majority countries. then a judge stepped in and put it tow a halt citingan obscure law called "the constitution." well, the stay on the travel ban was originally only supposed to be temporary, but now the judge in hawaii just extended his order blocking trump's travel ban. so it's time for trump to say "aloha" to his travel ban and ( cheers and applause )
and "aloha" to refugees. this is the deal-- the state of hawaii argued that, even though the travel ban had been revised, it still violated the first amendment because it was like a "neon sign flashing 'muslim ban, muslim ban.'" which, coincidentally, is what trump wants to put on the statue of liberty. quite loud. ( laughter ) that would really upset people in new jersey, i think. ( laughter ) according to hawaii, even though the white house dropped all references to religion in the new order, it's still unconstitutional because they say it's just a watered down version of the first one. and they cited this surprise witness. >> this is a watered down version of the first one. this is a watered down version. >> stephen: curses! curses! i foiled me again.
( laughter ) now, the judge said it was fair to consider trump's public statements, writing, "the court will not crawl into a corner, pull the shutters closed, and pretend it has not seen what it has." damn! that's not just a legal opinion. that's a beyonce lyric! ( laughter ) no. no. >> jon: uh-huh, uh-huh. >> stephen: that's my beyonce impression, in case you're wondering. no. >> jon: no? >> stephen: speaking of presidents, presidents. commander in chief. you know george w. bush? you guys remember that guy? about yea tall, texas accent, made the worst foreign policy decisions in american history. well, george w. bush attended trump's inauguration in january, which you also might remember from this picture right here. actually, he almost got kicked out, because trump thought he was a muslim. ( laughter ) he wasn't sure what this was.
apparently, bush was just as bewildered as the rest of us, because it came out that as he was leaving the inauguration, president bush said, "that was some weird (bleep)." "that was some weird (bleep). (bleep). and that is from a man who made this phrase famous. >> human animal hybrids? >> stephen: oh, we laughed at him then, and just now again. but the number one movie in america is "beauty and the beast." they're going to make some beautiful beast babies. now, remember, bush called karl rove "turd blossom." so it is possible that weird (bleep) might be his nickname for donald trump. we don't know. hey you're (bleep). (bleep).
it's hard to believe a former president would say that of an incoming one, but the comment was witnessed by three people. three people. wow, that's almost half of trump's inaugural crowd. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: oh! >> stephen: i saw the pictures. you see the pictures. we saw them. we saw the pictures. enough politics. let's think of something happy. let's crack open the smile file the grin bin, the chuckle cabinet, and get some light news. ready for some light news? "the washington post" reported that "spiders could theoretically eat every human on earth in one year" so if trump isn't impeached, at least we have a back-up plan. ( laughter ) ( applause ) this is eye don't like spiders. i'm not a big-- this is upsetting news. mostly because it gave newspapers a reason to print closeup pictures of spiders. it's the same reason i don't like headlines about steve bannon.
now, it turns out-- i think steve bannon could eat half of humanity. now, it turns out, researchers did the math and found that the world's spiders consume somewhere between 400 million and 800 million tons of prey in any given year, which is at least as much meat as all seven billion humans on the planet combined. i gotta say, i am not thrilled that scientists are measuring humanity in meat now. when did that start? when-- when-- really well marbled! but it explains the tagline of the new spider-man movie, "with great power comes good eatin'!" speaking of disturbing, have you all seen the video that's been burning up the interwebs called "hi stranger"? have you guys seen this? it's an animation. well, strap in. it's a stop-motion animation by an artist named kirsten lepore. here it is.
♪ ♪ hi, stranger. it's been a while. i've missed you. it's okay. you can look at my butt. ( laughter ) i feel like i can really be vulnerable around you. ( laughter ) do you like this tree i made? cool, right? ( applause ). >> stephen: a little odd. i don't know what that is. i don't know what's going on. what is that? it's go kind of beautiful and creepy, isn't it, at the same time? in fact, there are all sorts of debates on the internet about this thing. some people find it really comforting, and others want to know if you can take out a restraining order on a cartoon. in fact, some people have said, this is the most disturbing cartoon they've ever seen.
well, we here at "the late show" took that as a challenge. >> it's been a while. i've missed you. ( laughter ) it's okay. you can look at my butt. i feel i can really be vulnerable around you. ( laughter ) do you like this health care bill i made? cool, right? i thought it was cool. stupid freedom caucus. ( laughter ) ( sighs ) it's so hard to be president sometimes, you know. it just takes so much mental energy. and you get so tired. i just want to sit here and relax with you. maybe take a shower. you know what i mean. >> madam first lady, will you be visiting the white house this weekend?
>> not anymore. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i think we win. i think we won that challenge. we've got a great show for you tonight. susan sarandon is here. and when we come, back i'll reveal my darkest midnight confessions. forgive me. by the time you head to the bank and wait to get approved for a home loan, that newly listed, mid-century ranch with the garden patio will be gone. or you could push that button. [dong] [rocket launching] skip the bank, skip the waiting, and go completely online. get the confidence that comes from a secure, qualified mortgage approval in minutes. lift the burden of getting a home loan with rocket mortgage by quicken loans. [whisper: rocket]
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the dinosaurs' extinction... got you outnumbered. don't listen to them. not appropriate. now i'm mashing these potatoes with my stick of butter... why don't you sit over here. something for everyone is awesome. find your awesome with the xfinity stream app. more to stream to every screen. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody. give it up for the band right now! ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, if you're new to the show, you may not know this but i am a catholic. but i have a hard time getting to mass sometimes because there isn't a church in my bedroom. ( laughter ) and i really miss some of my catholic traditions. the one i miss the most is confessions. so i'd like to take a moment right now, if you don't mind, to confess to you, my audience. you won't tell anybody, right? >> audience: of course not! >> stephen: great. this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions"! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ standard disclaimer: i don't know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, i'll be right back.
forgive me, audience, i never go to the gym, so i bought a home gym. now i never go home. ( laughter ) i'm about eight reminders away from considering rescheduling my next dental visit. ( laughter ) sometimes, sometimes, audience, sometimes when i wake up from a beautiful dream, i feel a little sad... when i see the car i just rear-ended. ( laughter ) i don't always drink beer, but when i do, i make up for all the times i don't. ( laughter ) audience, i have never pre-heated the oven a single second longer than it takes to open a roll of cookie dough. ( laughter )
( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) forgive me, audience, i took a much smaller bite in rehearsal. ( laughter ) ah! if you're hitchhiking and i pick you up, it's only because i think i can take you in a knife fight. ( laughter ) sometimes, sometimes, audience, sometimes i secretly hope i get the flu so my to-do list will shrink down to "finish bowl of soup." they say there's no wrong way to eat a reeses, but i'm thinking a whole bag while you're idling in the driveway is close. ( laughter )
sometimes, my hips lie. ( laughter ) you know, i never-- i never tell the flight attendant, but i am not prepared to help out in the emergency exit row. ( laughter ) ( applause ) what am i supposed to do with the door again? do i-- do i ride it down the wing like a surf board? i don't know. sometimes i write booze into my comedy bits just as an excuse to drink. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) mmmm. that tastes "necessary to the scene." ( laughter ) forgive me, audience. >> audience: we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. we'll be right back with susan sarandon.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight starred in. "thelma & louise," one of the greatest depictions of female friendship of all time. her new fx show "feud" is a little different. >> you have no idea what they've been saying about me in the press. >> about you and joe, you mean? >> is it in the french papers, too? >> in any language. all they want is a cat fight. you have to stop giving it to them. >> i know. i should be kinder. i want to be, but she sets me
off. >> i know the impulse well. but two words-- "no comment." >> easy for you to say, my joan is far worse than your joan. >> not possible. >> stephen: please welcome susan sarandon! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> thank you, sir. >> stephen: well, madam, you were here last summer you were here. >> i have no recollection. >> stephen: june, i think it was before-- early july. it was before the conventions, i think, because we were talking about bernie sanders at the time. you were a big bernie fan. >> yes, still am. >> stephen: sorry he didn't get it.
sorry he didn't get it. you said something very interesting at the time, because at that point it didn't look like bernie was going to get the nomination. at that point we knew trump had it. and you said some people feel that trump might bring about the revolution immediately. "a," how is that going? ( laughter ) what's your-- what's your assessment of how the revolution is going? >> well, i'm so happy that you asked. not really, but okay, we'll get into it. well, have you seen this many town hall meetings with people from all parties storming and knocking on the doors of their representativerepresentatives ag and screaming and yelling? >> stephen: not since 2010. >> no, not since the 70s, i think. this is really, like, out of control now. there are town hall meetings everywhere. and i saw one in california where they were screaming about ice coming and taking people. i mean, people are really weak now, because the cracks have let the light in, as leonard cohen
would say. you need that crack. now people are weak. most of the-- >> stephen: the crack in our political system? >> the crack in everything. goldman sachs has been in politics forever. now we're noticing because this guy is such a bozo he's doing everything so badly, that he's not slick, like everybody else. i mean, all the fracking that's been going on, the pipelines were all there before trump got in. this has been going on. but now, everybody's weak. they're energized. right? everybody is like. ( cheers and applause ) they're calling their senators. they're donating to all of these groups. you're funnier. >> stephen: oh, thank you. >> don't you think? >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you to my favorite guest. my favorite guest of all time. do you think we're seeing trump's crack right now? i i think i saw his cartoon crack earlier. >> see what i mean? you never could have done that with obama, right? should has given you such rich opportunities gli wouldn't mind sieg sooeg obama's crack.
when you say "revolution--" let me ask you something there, revolution hip pep do you mean revelation loougz in the head, revolution in our hearts-- >> all of the above. >> stephen: do you mean brick through the window, line all the rich people up against the wall. revolutions eventually get there. >> you're watching the wrong movie. i'm talking about people being engaged in the system, holding their representatives responsible. we have to identify real progressives, people who are going to get us health care, college education, and infrastructure. and we're in an oligarchy right now, right? ( applause ) and people upper saying, "we don't want the status quo." the status quo is not working. the only candidate, as stupid as he-- didn't get any specifics-- was one-- wasn't hillary clinton-- was trump. so people needed a change. they wanted a change. now they're getting something they didn't expect. but they're writing and they're calling and they're young people-- the millennials are on fire. us old folks may not see this every day, but they know what's
going on. >> stephen: i'm a millennial. >> are you? >> stephen: oh, yeah. i'm younger than 1,000 years old. ( laughter ). >> oh, then that means i am, too. oh! >> stephen: congratulationses, congratulations. you still keep in touch with bernie? because i know you guys talked. >> i talk to jane more than bernie. he's so busy. >> stephen: what's he doing? >> he's introducing a bill with some other people to get single-payer health care. ( applause ) >> yeah. everybody should be entitled to health care. so he's pushing that through. he had a great bill to lower the prices of pharmaceuticals, bus butt some of our democrats, like the cory bookers of the world, voted against it, so it didn't pass. >> stephen: oh! you got called out, cory booker. you going to take that from susan sarandon? you going to take that cory booker. >> six democrats-- you know, we have to look at the democrats that are not voting the right way in terms of approving people and what theiritize are. get the money out. the money has to come out. >> stephen: the d.n.c., the new head of the d.n.c., former
secretary of labor-- help me out here. >> perez. >> stephen: perez, exactly. he asked for everybody in the d.n.c. to resign. he cleared house in the d.n.c. does that impress you in any way? >> except he's an establishment and he already says sade he's going to keep accepting corporate money. i don't know. i don't know if it will change you. >> stephen: said maybe the democrats will take a page from the tea party, from the tea party. theatre ones that keep the republicans from getting anything done. >> no, no, i mean how they got power. not what they're doing now. i mean, they started at the bottom. what's happened now with bernie is that he's encouraged people to run for office. so we have-- i mean, the democrats have lost everything-- mayoral spots, judges-- not just the two-- not just the senate and the house and the pred perez against, everything. and what happened was the tea party started at the bottom. everybody out there, people that feel they should run for their local offices, they should do that. they should go to their school boards. this is what the tea party did
and it worked. they started working up. people are engaged. isn't that what i democracy is, i think? >> stephen: sure, engage on a local level ( applause ) all politics is local, tip o'neill said. >> you should maybe run. >> stephen: me? i tried to run twice. ( cheers and applause ) >> that was then. this is now. we've got to get your sister up there again and everything. >> stephen: that would be nice. her, not me. my brother is out there. >> you're having too much fun. wait until trump leaves. too much rich memory now? >> stephen: on fx, you're doing "feud," where you play bette davis. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: and this is the famous story when she's working with joan crawford and making "whatever happened to baby jane," right? were they really rivals. >> eventually they did treat each other poorly because-- did you ever watch those "real housewives" shows. >> stephen: no. >> me othe, either, but i heardt happened whaps-- to keep the
drama going, for lack of imagination and in terms of other plots they get everybody fighting. >> stephen: and they get drunk, too. >> these gals were already drunk. betty and join-- maybe not on the set for betty. >> stephen: it's unprofessional to drink on the set. i just think it was... ( clink glasses ) ( applause ) >> so hedda hopper, who was incredibly influential, also with the black list. in those days, the columnists they didn't have what we have in terms of so much social media. so they really could ruin people. and her column needed them to fight, and they leaked things that weren't true, which aggravated it more. and also they slept way lot of the same people. >> stephen: joan crawford and bette davis. >> yeah. >> stephen: not at the same time, right? >> i don't think so. that would have been maybe a bonding experience. >> stephen: could have been. here's bette. here's bette davis back in the day. i totally see it.
look at that. yeah, absolutely. ( applause ) did you-- were you intimidated at all playing a hollywood icon like this? >> it took me about five or six weeks to get the fear-fun ratio in my favor. i was absolutely terrified. because she's very idiosyncratic. not only does everybody know her, and an exaggerated drag queen version of her but, you know, she stresses weird sentences and she has an odd pattern so, yeah, i was horrified at the idea of carrying this off. >> stephen: did you ever meet her when you were younger? >> no, but the idea of playing her has been chasing me for a long time. she sent-- her daughter wrote a horrible book. year, as a born again christian woman, she wrote this horrible book. and so that's when she first got in touch with me and asked me to do her story. >> stephen: bette davis did. >> bette davis, and i was so young and didn't know how to do it and my agents at the time were kind of lame and nothing
happened. >> stephen: was your agent cory booker? because you already called him out once already. ( laughter ). >> and various other scripts -- oh, my god. look at your ceiling. what is that? >> stephen: i feel like i'm interviewing a cat. >> that's so trippy. >> stephen: it is beautiful, isn't it. >> did you always do that? you didn't on your other show? >> stephen: i didn't on my other show and when we took over the theater after mr. letterman left we renovated it so the ceiling could be seen. >> do you not see it moving? excuse me. that wasn't always like that, was it? >> stephen: no, it's not moving at all, susan. i don't know. that could be the sign of something. you should really have that checked. >> or just keep at it. that's fabulous. what were we talking about? >> stephen: we were talking about-- talking about thrupples. you were injured during the filming, i understand. >> i did it on purpose to get
her walk. >> stephen: that is super method. >> would you believe you me if i toldue i did just tell that you. >> stephen, of course. why would susan sarandon lie to me? >> she has a kind of walk like a truck criefer. so i was in a boot. >> stephen: can you show me the truck driver walk? >> will you do it, too. >> stephen: sure, the truck driver walk. >> she's kind of bigger in the shoulders. so she kind of, you know,... ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> that's not what i did! >> stephen: right here? "feud" airs sundays on fx. susan sarandon, everybody! we'll be right back with joey mcintyre.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, to "the late show"." ladies and gentlemen, you know my next guest as the "cute one" from new kids on the block. he now stars in "return of the mac." >> joe mcintyre! what the heck are you doing here? >> um-- >> i can't believe this! i've been a huge fan for so long. i have your doll, the pillows, the sheets-- i slept with you every night. >> oh. >> that sounded creepy, but. >> no, that's pretty awesome. >> stephen: please welcome joe mcintyre. >> stephen: joey mcintyre, teen heartthrob, i feel obligate toddy squeal luke a 13-year-old
girl. are there any girls out there who were 13 when new kids-- there you go. >> they're everywhere. they're everywhere. >> stephen: that is a familiar sound to you, it must be. >> yes. >> stephen: how many years have you been hearing that now? >> well, thankfully-- well, there was a 15-year hiatus, and the new kids got back together in 2008. >> stephen: but you had to have still heard that in between. >> yeah, here and there. it's been good. we got good fans, amazing fans, yeah. >> stephen: you joined new kids-- i have a shot here. i think this is-- that's you right down here. you joined new kids right down here. when you were 12. and actually, we have a clip of you right here. jim, can we play the clip of joey singing ♪ please don't go girl tell me you'll stay ♪ >> i love it, too. let's keep listening. no. ( applause )
we sang that here at the ed sullivan theater before letterman took it over, at the u.c.p. thel thon, the cerebral palsy telethon. when they used to have telethons. remember them? probably '88. but this was, yeah -- >> stephen: we fixed it up a little bit. >> it looks nice. nice work. >> stephen: so year 12, 13 years old. it's hard to convey to young people right now how huge you guys were. you were absolutely an enormous band. you must have-- were there groupies. you were 13 years old. you had the limo. i'm sure there were some bad influences around. the other guys were older. >> they were four years older than me, so they had a lot more fun than i did. >> stephen: they had gone through puberty. >> exactly. i like to think i made up for it, but that might just be a story. >> stephen: did you ever, like-- at 13 years old, "like to meet the girl in the third row. bring her back." any of that rock 'n' roll stuff.
>> and swreed a cupcake or something. >> stephen: i don't know. i don't know. 13-year-old boys can make bad decisions. >> we exchanged bad decisions. >> stephen: were you parents around. >> i was the youngest of nine-- i know you're-- judy, alice -- >> stephen: let's hear it. i'll do 11-- >> i have to spot you, too. two names. >> stephen: i'll still beat you. one, two, three, we'll start. one, two three... ( cheers and applause ) it's a draw. it's a draw. i don't think you-- i don't think you had any cons nantz. it was all vowels. >> i need a drink before i beat you. >> stephen: i'll get you one. was there anybody around to put the reins on you? >> thankfully for some reason my mom didn't go out on the road with me, thank god. when we hit the road when i was 15, i had a tudor, and the guys looked after me, but, yeah, thank god. >> stephen: thank god what. i can't understand what you're
thanking god for-- what about your dad? >> my dad would come out. he thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread, what we were gloog was your dad going, "the one in the third row." >> no. >> stephen: i don't know. >> maybe, maybe. >> stephen: you don't know. >> he hasn't told me. >> stephen: now are you playing yourself in "return of the mac." >> yes. >> stephen: and your wife plays you? >> my wife plays me every day. >> stephen: sorry, your wife plays your wife. >> she plays me all the time. >> stephen: and your kids play your kids. >> yes. >> stephen: and your friends play your friends? >> well, no, my friends-- no, my friends are real actors. so-- that happen to be my friends and they help me out. i've got a great cast. but, yes, my wife stepped up, and she was amazing. never acted before. and she was phenomenal. it's a scripted show, so she was really acting. >> stephen: so this is your family and your cast right there. >> yes. yeah. can you blame me! come on! who wouldn't cast those guy s. >> stephen: this guy is about 30 seconds away from getting his own boy band right there.
( laughter ) what about the new boy bands? do you, like, pay attention, like one direction or the five seconds of summer or whatever. ( laughter ) >> they're not -- >> stephen: is that one? that's one, right? >> very good, very good. to me they're not technically boy bands, though. >> stephen: what do you mean? >> because they just get up there and stand around and sing. >> stephen: but they're a boy and a band. >> no, no, no. we all know if you're a boy band you have to sing and dance. >> stephen: oh! >> i mean, that's it, right? ( applause ) the boy band-- these kids don't know what they're missing. >> stephen: you guys had, like, a signature-- like... >> we did. >> stephen: what was that move you guys would do? ♪ we're new kids is that the move you guys would do? >>iment to say i've seen worse, but i don't know if i've seen worse. >> stephen: show me what it is. >> come on! >> stephen: show me what it is. ( applause ). >> okay. so this is-- this step-- ciemed of our most famous that we stole from marris day and the time. and we made it more white. ( laughter )
so it's-- so this is kind of the kickoff. thithis is like the "and." one, two, one-two-3. >> >> stephen: so it's one -- >> i confused you. one, two, one-two-three. perfect. just repeat that. >> stephen: that's it? >> do we have some music? >> stephen: play it, play it ♪ ♪ >> there we go. coming up right now. ♪ right stuff one, two-- we'll get it. one, two, one-two-three. one, two, one-two-three. >> stephen: again, again! no! move over. >> we're going to nail it. >> stephen: okay. >> five, six, seven, eight. one, two, one-two-three. ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: "return of the mac" premieres april 12 on pop tv. joey mcintyre everybody. we'll be right back with robert klein. thank you, man. ho! ( ♪ ) it's off to work we go! woman: on the gulf coast, new exxonmobil projects are expected to create over 45,000 jobs. and each job created by the energy industry supports two others in the community. altogether, the industry supports over 9 million jobs nationwide. these are jobs that natural gas is helping make happen, all while reducing america's emissions. energy lives here.
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...teeth inside, and is better at strengthening the... ...outside than colgate total. best check-up ever. ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah! yeah! take that! i'm exhausted! i've been doing that for three minutes. my next guest is a comedy legend and the subject of the new documentary, "robert klein still can't stop his leg". >> this idea of the craft of deconstructing your experience. >> just what i was looking for. how are these? i kill you! evidently, from a leopard. you've got blood on your hands, man.
a ping-pong display with the soda, because it's natural. i think soda, ping-pong. soda-ping-pong. paddles are by the laxatives. ( laughter ) >> stephen: please welcome robert klein! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you. >> pretty stupid old man there in the supermarket, don't you think? >> stephen: nah, exploring. he's exploring. >> it was a wild thing to see me the subject of one of those things. >> stephen: have you never been the subject of a documentary before? >> never. well, on national geographic once -- >> stephen: topless. >> that's where my first-- my first pornography was watching
the tribeswoman of the bobutu tribe. >> stephen: you and i have one thing in common. we're both from second city in chicago. >> yes, sir. best thing that ever happened to me. >> stephen: me, too. when i was coming up there there was a big photo of you on the wall with fred willard. >> 52 years ago, march, '65, the great fred willard and i reported for work in chicago at second city. a long time. and nothing has changed! >> stephen: no, the building is exactly the same. >> yeah, i mean-- well, television has changed. >> stephen: well, you've been 50 years of television now you've been doing this. >> i first did "the tonight show" in january of '68. >> stephen: wow. >> every word was parsed. >> stephen: johnny was still in new york at the time, right? >> johnny was in new york. but then i-- i did a pilot in 1975 at cbs, and they used to call-- the censor people they called them "copt newty
acceptance." and we knew we couldn't say anything risque. every single word. so we tried to be smart-- it was a half hour monty python, and peter boil, madeline kahn were my guest stars. the greatest, right? ( applause ) we borrowed-- "sex for television." and we borrowed some film from the u.c.l.a. biology department of paramessia reproducing. remember from bio? they just separate like that. when there was one, there's now two. there's no sex. they're a-sexual. underneath it i sang ♪ ♪ if you're wondering what this all is leading to ♪ i want to make it-- >> and then i think one paramecium asked the other at the end if it wanted a cigarette. but we get a letter from
continuity acceptance. "the sexual innuendo is obvious. it's priewrient, it's of prurient interest." and i thought to myself, this would be an odd fetish. "i love to watch parameesia reproducing, baby. i love them when they're young and wet and wild, two seconds old. i hate them when they're over the hill. a minute!" this is what we had to cope with. today -- >> stephen: different. >> different. >> stephen: i showed donald trump's butt tonight. ( laughter ) >> where was that located? ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> oh, i-- no, i mean, you know, i did the first hbo special ever. that was a big breakthrough in 1975. language, or whatever else. i'm not particularly blue. but we're adults. but something like "the
sopranos" i mean, that's the way those people spoke. that was a masterpiece, and it was full of profanity. but have you seen it on's&e, where it's sanitized. instead of the "f" word they use the word "forget." "forget you, you mother forgetter! "forget you!" "oh, yeah? forget you!" there's a lot of dementia on the a & e. and when they give someone the finger, they blur it out. like, suddenly, gee, i wonder why they're blurring out the middle finger. i mean i'm not crazy about profanity every other word. >> stephen: sure. >> you know what i mean? >> stephen: i do. >> but when it's a substitute for wit, but profanity should be used aptly when it's the right word. >> stephen: economically. >> how are you-- how did south carolina produce both you and
strom thurmond? that's what i don't understand. >> stephen: i have no (bleep) idea. ( laughter ) ( applause ) was that appropriate? was that appropriate? was that appropriate? >> where's continuity acceptance? ( laughter ). >> stephen: robert klein, it was lovely to see you, thanks for being here. "robert klein still can't stop his leg" is available on the starz app today. go g
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late show." join us next week when i'll be talking to jason sudeikis, louis ck, and sigourney weaver. now stick around for james corden. good night! ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, coming to you from an alternate reality, give it up for your host, the one, the only, james corden!