Skip to main content

We will keep fighting for all libraries - stand with us!

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 2, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am EST

11:35 pm
captioning sponsored by cbs >> and now "the late show"" presents steve buscemi on the oscars and what could have been. >> hi. i'm hollywood actor and teenoidol steve buscemi. if you're anything like me, you might have noticed that i wasn't nominated for an oscar this year. but it's not for lack of trying. in fact, i auditioned for every single best picture nominee this year. let's take a look at what could have been. yes, my name is renalds woodcox and-- i'm sorry. ( clears throat ) my name is reynolds woodclock-- that's a funny name. you have to admit. reynolds? ( laughter )
11:36 pm
blimey, here comes a german sky lorry, flying it's ricky-dickie and a bubbling squeak. if we don't scamper we'll be as chapped as a chimney sweep, governor. caw-caw! >> you're not an actual bird. >> i know. i wasn't trying to do a bird. i was tried t to do a lady. son, i want you to know that it's okay to be gay. bagging ary hammer your first time out of the gate. that guy is primo man( laughte) l so you want a bang or what? caw-wac! >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert."rt goes to
11:37 pm
washington. plus stephen welcomes steve buscemi and sebastian maniscalco. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentleno with the the late show."phen co. it's friday and t.g.i.f. yeah. which, of course, stands for "trump gets incarcerated forever." ( cheers and applause )
11:38 pm
allegedly. a boy can dream. but mule habep to the 2016 election. specifically, mueller's team has been asking if witnesses had reason to believe trump tried to coordinate the release of the d.n.c. emails to do the most damage to clinton. but where d proof that donald tp coordinated with russia about hillary's emails? well, it turns out there was a whistleblower-- we have footage, but we have to protect his identity. jim. >> russia, if you're listening, i hope you're able to find the 30,000 emails that are missou dt know. that's a brave, brave, man. ( chuse ) i do not know wh
11:39 pm
may single-handedly ing downtown pr. an probing trump's pre-election financial ties to russia. if they're anything like his other ties, they just keep on going and point to some dirty stuff. ( laughter ) this new line of questioning, you know, it's got to because last year, trump said that mueller probing his personal finances would be a red line. because if you connect enough red lines, you get a red square. ( applause ) right, russia. mueller's team has also been pursuing several lines of questioning centered on the 2013 miss universe pageant, which was held in moscow. it's about damn time. there's so many questions. costanza baez of ecuador as second runner-up? her feathered, floor-length ball gown with matching silver pumps
11:40 pm
far out-sparkled patricia rodriguez of spain's mother-of- pearl, flared-lace pouf! come on! we need answers, damn it! all that pearl work. amazing. but it's not just trump's finances mueller is looking at. it seems like he's also investigating claims made in the infamous steele dossier of damaging information about trump the russians held as "kompromat." and mueller is getting to the juicy stuff-- literally. reports say he's interested in logistics surrounding trump's hotel room in moscow: whs who was in charge of surity?whog during t tri not to mti the hotel room? what did they do in the hotel room?us beforehand?aughter ) no letters.ate
11:41 pm
intelligence committees are also invest asouee is chaired by californ republican and failed clone of ( laughter ) a month ago-- just a couple of d.n.a. off. a month ago, nunes shook up washington when he released a memo he promised would blow the top off the conspiracy within the justice department aimed at discrediting donald trump's presidency. in response, democratic congressman and guy who thought the acid would wear off before the kids got home, adam schiff ghompeting memo. so to anyone out there who thouting... yore( laughter )'t to congress to investigate the investigations. jim? i needed to know what was going russia probes, so i didenate something i ver thoughi'
11:42 pm
do. i went back to capitol hill. ( music winds down ) my first stop was to sit down with congressman adam schiff of the house intelligence committee to hear all the intel he couldn't tell. well, first of all, congressman, tell me what it means to be the ranking member of the house intel committee. >> it means that i'm the top democrat on the committee, and if we were in the majority, i would be thehairman. >> steph so of all the people who have no power, you're number one? >> exactly. >> s: the committee? >> yes. >> stephen: can you tell me anything more than that? >> i can't go into what is not public yet. >> stephen: is there juicy stiff. i mean, like, mmmm, mmm.
11:43 pm
yeah! things like bluh-bluh-bluh. that's not violating any oaths or any secret whatever you done. am i going to go harumph. >> i don't know where to put it on the grunt scale. >> this is hmmmor bluh-bluh-bluh. >> i really don't think i should characterize what we've seen so far. >> stephen: okay, do you have testimony you'd like to tell me about but you can't? >> yes. >> stephen: can you say who it's by? >> no, i cannot. >> stephen: is it a man? >> i can't say? okay, all right, so it is bannon. what i'd like to do is i'd like to show you a couple of photographs here and just get your reaction. you don't have to-- you don't have to say a word. your eyes are the window to the soul.
11:44 pm
are these people guilty?( laug) hilariously guilty? it's so funny how much time they'll spend in jail. okay. good to know. you haven't told me anything. i'm just inferring from your behavior. >> i really can't comment on these. >> stephen: oh, that's bad ( laughter ) that one's really bad. that was not even funny. what's corey lewandowski really like? >> well, corey lewandowski-- >> stephen: i'm sorry. it turns out i don't care. i apologize. omarosa mag nawlt-newman, of "celebrity big brother" on cbs. she said on "big brother," "don't thinkre gonna we're not gonna be okay." have you thought about subpoenaing omarosa and saying, "what do you mean, "we're not gonna be okay'?" >> i have not considered that. >> stephen: not considered it? >> i have not considered that.
11:45 pm
>> stephen: okay. obviously, you can't subpoena someone while they're in the "big brother" house. that's-- violates the constitution-- >> well, we-- we could do that-- >> stephen: i don't think you could-- >> --if we thought that she had relevant evidence on the russia issue. now, she may have seen-- >> stephen: no one's allowed to go in or out of the "big brother" house. brother."seen "big brother"? >> stephen: well, obviously not. now, i have my own memo. have officially today. and i'm going to give you a sneak peek. this is so far-- it's it's been redacted. can you read what is on the memo? >> the memo says, "investigation update: den nunes is a--" and then it's redacted. >> stephen: yes.w. ev not allod fo now. >> that's classified. >> stephen: cbs won't let me say it on air, either. >> i think that this should be released. >> stephen: with that, i did cutting edge technology available. you go! thanks v thanks very much. i needed everyone in congress to get a copy.
11:46 pm
there was no door i wouldn't slide it under. ( laughter ) or tape it to. senator. then i mrched right into senator flake's office >> what are you doing here? >> stephen: since flake isn't running for re-election, i figured he was the only republican willing to read my memo on tv. >> stephen: may i sit with you for a moment? >> please. >> stephen: thank you very much. now, obviously, it's redacted. >> "devin nunes is a--" >> stephen: yeah. could be anything. >> could.tephen: we don't know. do you have any guesses what it might say underneath there? >>orbl servant? >> former dairy farmer? >> steph: former dairy farmer? >> yeah. >> stephen: really? because he seems to be milking it right now. ( laur ask you a question about this rug here? why'd they give you such a small rug?
11:47 pm
there's not even-- there's not for the unum. on the e pluribus. >> that's what you get when you're a freshman. do you get to keep the rug? >> i do not. >> stephen: so if i took that with me today, that would be a big problem. >> big problem. >> stephen: unlike the house of representatives, i was sick of wasting time memond sat with vice chair of thetelligence k warner. what does it mean to be vice chair of the senate republican committee? do you see everything, all the intel. >> the chairman and i are in a group that gets to see everything, yes. >> stephen: have you seen-- and i want to say this in the night of the way possible because we're here in this chamber and the senate is an august body and i want to say this respectfully-- the pee-pee tape? >> no. >> stephen: it's not probably
11:48 pm
even real at this point, it's probably a pee-peedvd 2018, who are we kidding? it's probably streaming. up top. senator, you've got to give me that. it's a pretty good pun. you've got to give me that one. >> stay tuned. >> stephen: all right can you indict anybody? >> no. >> stephen: who can? >> the special counsel. >> stephen: robert mueller. >> robert mueller. >> >> stephen: hold on a second. could we not get mueller? could we not? is mueller not available? i kind of wanted to talk to the indictment guy-- i'm sorry, just a sndetting nothing here. the guy's a stone wall. my apologies.h the staff over there.d out how much money the president russians? >> we're investigation until we get all the facts. >> stephen: are you ever jealous that adam sch g nunes.
11:49 pm
do you ever say to yourself, "man, tear me off a piece ofwite i've got. the chairman and i have a great working relationship, and we have a comme focused. >> stephen: how do you stay bipartisan? >> we all know that our first get to the facts. >> stephen: isn't donald trump, in a way the ultimate bipartisan because he is serving bo russia? ( cheers and applause )( laug) are you just going to yell through this interview? gee no, i'm just... >> stephen: is there a scale of how much re >> i'm going to reserve judgment until we finish our report. >> stephen: just say anything! anything! blink. just blink it out in morse code.
11:50 pm
tell me anything.e dyg out here. we're drowning in ignorance. tell us whatpe you will tell us eventually, right? you'll tell us something. >> i mean, we will tell you,ent. otion if a fried egg winked at you? because you really have a great poker face. >> not in-- not in the case of this investigation. >> stephen: i mean this as a compliment. you look dead in >> stephen: do you ever just want to go, "oh, stop it. stop lying." do you ever want to say that? >> there are some long days. >> stephen: there are some long days. dodo you ever want to go, knock it off. warny don't play like that. i asked you a question. ( laughter )d when did you firo go into comedy? ( laughter ) sir, i-- before we go, i want to thk you for taking the time. i know you're a very busy man. you've been in committee all day and i-- i got you something.
11:51 pm
as a have this as-- ( laughter ) i'd love you to have this. may i? >> if it's over $50, i can't accept it. >> stephen: it's not. it was free, actually. ease. >> stephen: may >> thank you. that's really nice. >> thank you, stephen. >> stephen: but, seriously, they did it, right? okay. that's a yes. that's a yes. t. e but when we return, i have the latest pronouncements from a big, furry hat. stick around!
11:52 pm
11:53 pm
11:54 pm
11:55 pm
aww thanks for loading, sweet... oops. oh burnt-on gravy? gotta rinse that. nope. no way. nada. really? dish issues? throw it all in.. nice. cascade. powerful skincare,s now light-as-air a breakthrough moisturizer whipped for instant absorption feel a light-as-air finish in a flash new olay whips ageless ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
11:56 pm
>> stephen: hay, everybody! welcome back. give it up for jon batiste and stay human right over there. friday! it's friday. >> jon: it's friday! >> stephen: it's friday night. it's friday night. and as much as i'm looking forward to tonight's show i'm excited about next show. we've gotprah, reesewithn, minde have all of the ladies from a wrinkle in time. is and ironically, between the three of them, not one wrinkle. ( laughter ) it's amazing. they put ill onhe you know, folks, as a late-night host, i wield tremendous power, as much as history's most ruthless tyrants: genghis khan, kim jong-un, and queen elizabeth. we all have two things in common: we are going to get "crunked" at meghan and harry's wedding, and we all have a big furry hat!
11:57 pm
( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) is. >> my people, now that this hat is upon mine head, any and all proclamations i make are now and forever law. let us begin. if you take your shoes s off on a plane, your feet have to go, too.laught )
11:58 pm
the names of old spice scents have to sound remotely like something that smells. how am i supposed to choose between "wolf thorn" and "swagger"? ( laughter ) henceforth, if the biathlon gets we get to add a gun to ice dancing. from now on, "speed skating"ugh) o use my first name as if we're friends, once theyne talking about boat insurance, they have to listen to me talk about the "lord of the rings." can you name the most famous boat in all of tolkien's works? i can. ( laughter ) it's vingalot, arendil was a mariner who built the ship of
11:59 pm
timbertheld-- i said sit down, sir! fromow on, there shall be but one universal remote-- total-- that controls all of the televisions, and i have it. and we're watching "night rider." anyone who trails off without finishing a thought shall be severely... ( laughter ) we're also adding guns to ski jumping. ( laughter ) henceforth, anybody who asks me to fax them a form must provide me either a fax machine or a plane ticket to the 1990s. we'll be right back with steve buscemi. the hat has spoken!
12:00 am
12:01 am
what from your first dream to your first dollar. from between shifts and after hours. from the struggle, to the reckoning. to the moment you sit in that auditorium and realize that your whole life is about to change. what if a university could arantee fixed affo from your first class, to your last.
12:02 am
60% of women are wearing the wrong size pad and can experience leaks discover always my fit.
12:03 am
find the number that's right for your flow and panty size on the top of any always pack. the better the fit, the better it protects. always. dinner date...meeting his parents dinner date. why did i want a crest 3d white smile? so i used crest. crest 3d white removes... ...95% of surface stains in just 3 days... ...for a whiter smile... that will win them over. crest. healthy, beautiful smiles for life.
12:04 am
♪ ♪ ( applause ). >> stephen: hey, everybody! you caught me standing up here. i didn't realize-- oh, my gosh. folks, i'm so my first guest has played some of the most memorable db and cold-blooded killers on the screen. he now stars as nikita khrushchev in "the death of stalin. of the. >> he'll be lying face-down in a ditch full of vodka with vet lawna. >> he lost her. >> svetlana is here. >> the (bleep) has started. we need to start putting together a plan. we need change. put a halt to the arrest, prison release, maybe even reform the church. >> how can you run and plot at the same time. >> hello! svetlana!
12:05 am
>> stephen: please welcome steve buscemi! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, good to see you. >> good to see you, too. >> stephen: are you back in new york or do you live in new york because i know you're from new york? >> i live in new york. >> stephen: good for you. good for you. what an achievement. >> is it. >> stephen: have you been able to have your whole career in new york? >> pretty much. i never lived anywhere else. >> stephen: you never lived in l.a., never had permanent residence out there. >> no, i rented a house once was longs doing the movie "air time ago haven't been back sinc, but i just to move out there. i just-- i-- i like new york. >> stephen: yeah, i--
12:06 am
( cheers and applause ) i do, too. i just eye love the city. i always-- i didn't even know i was going to be an actor when i was a kid and i was like, "i gotta live in new york." >> really? >> stephen: it just seemed like the most exciting city in the world to me. how did you not move to los angeles, because it's the mother ship, and if you're in entertainment it's always shooting its tractor beams to entertainers saying you have to move out here to work. >> it's true mip pressure from my agent agent at the time-- lie early 90s-- to move out there. and then i got "reservoir dogs" and quentin tarantino did a huge favor to the actors by putting our names in the opening credits. and that helped enormously, because now people in the industry could put the name to the face. >> stephen: wow. i never thought about that. that's very generous of him. >> it really-- it really helped. >> stephen: were you-- were you mr. white? what was your color? >> i was mr. pink. >> stephen: mr. pink. that's right. you're like, "why do i have to
12:07 am
be-- why do i have to be mr. pink?" that's nice. i remember that now. i said the greatest achievement of my career is not what i get to do but that i here. brawf oh, bravo. >> you too, you too. >> stephen: thanks very much. the on not to m to los angeles is just not to move to los angeles. that's it. now you're in the new i.f.c. film is it @is it in theaters now? >> it opens next friday. >> stephen: it's called "the death of stalin," and you play nikita khrushchev. >> it's been a dream of mine to play this. that's why i got to acting. when i saw him on tv in 1964, i said, "i'm going"-- no, i don't -- >> stephen: "that man in a super star! i'm going for the sex appeal." is that a bald cap or are you shaving youred in that. >> i shaved my heaen: have you e that before? >> no, no. i always wondered what i would with a shaved head. but it's different when you have, you know, just the bald
12:08 am
head. it's not, you know, like-- youa. i mean, i mean, i have a the love bald friends and i don't mean to offend any-- any bald people. but, you know, it-- it made me feel different, and it made me feel older. i don't know. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> maybe my stase faceis just old, too. but i remember going into a movie theater, and we were shooting in london, and i went into the theater, bought the ticket, and went in, and i realized that she had given me a senior discount. ( laughter ) she didn't ask me. she didn't, you know-- and i just -- >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> so this is what it's like. and then so, when the movie wrapped, i did shave my head. >> stephen: the whole damn thing. >> whole thing. >> stephen: because khrushchev had the things on the side. >> he had the things on the side. >> stephen: if you shave the whole thing you can rock a bruce willis. >> i thought i'm going to look so cool once i shave my head and i looked like an alien. people didn't want to come near
12:09 am
me. so i just-- i'm glaz gladi have some hair. >> stephen: the movie is about stalin-- the stalin dies, and then there's the whole politburo is trying to figure out who will be the next-- they're all angling for power, to be the next person. >> yeah. it was-- i mean, nobody thought that khrushchev was going to be the guy. >> stephen: request not? >> because he wasn't-- i don't know. i mean, he wasn't considered the brightest of the group. he wasn't the most ambitious. he was just sort of a-- he was-- i mean, stalin liked him because he was funny. he was a talker, and he would make stalin laugh. and sometimes late at night, stalin would have these meet ago or these dinners at, like, 1:00 in the morning at his-- in his country place. and they all had to show up. and then, you know, they would sort of have a meeting and after dinner, at 3:00 in the morning he'd want to put on a john ford
12:10 am
movie and they had to stay. >> stephen: stalin was watching john ford westerns? >> oh, yeah, he loved them. >> stephen: wow. was he pulling for the indians? was it john wayne feign fan? >> i think so, yeah, yeah. and they'd have to watch these westerns and drink with him. and then khrushchev would go home and say to his wife-- he would try to remember which one of his jokes worked and which ones didn't, you know, so that he would know, like, the next day. because they were all-- you know, they were all-- stalin instilled such fear-- not only in the whole country, but also in his closest cabinet members. >> stephen: yeah, you could just disappear. >> yeah. >> stephen: disappear, and then that person would be painted out of the official photos and they would be gone. >> and so when stalin died, you know, "the new york times," they made a list of, you know, who would be the successor, and i think khrushchev was, like, at the bottom of the list out of,
12:11 am
like, 10 guys. >> stephen: so how did he do it? >> his main thing was he just didn't want the two guys that were closest to get it it, berrier and malcoff, she just thought berrier was this really sadistic predator, and just bad news. and he just didn't want him to get it. and malcoff was sort of like a "yes" man, and he thought he was incorm tent. so khrushchev wanted his mentors on the politburo. he thought they should get it, the guys who were older than him and had been around. he was angling towards that, and they sort of realized you're kind of good at this. like, maybe you should be the one to do it. >> stephen: this movie is created by amanda iannucci, who also created "veep" and "day to day." does the comedy of it translate to the russians? has this been shown in russia? >> it's been banned in russia. ( laughter )
12:12 am
i don't know why. >> stephen: really? i didn't know they still did that. i'm serious, i didn't know they still that. >> well, apparently, we had a distributor, but then-- but then it was banned. but i don't believe it's totally banned. i mean, i think you could probably still see anything you want there. i once went to a film festival where i had a film they directed, it was in the festival, and this russian gentleman came up to me and said that he loved the film. and i said, "well, it hasn't shown yet. it's showing tomorrow night." and he said, "no, no, i saw it on tv, you know, in homeland." i was like, "really?" yeah, they just -- >> stephen: they somehow stole it and showed on tv before the movie came out? >> yeah, y their ways. >> stephen: wow. >> as we know. >> stephen: i hope they're enjoying this right now. ( laughter ). >> yes. >> stephen: have you been-- have you been to russia yourself? >> no. >> stephen: oh, it's worth a trip. >> yeah? you've been? >> stephen: i went over this summer for a little bit.
12:13 am
and i don't think-- i didn't-- i didn't know if they got this show there, but people who who i was. and i think they were all secret police. ( laughter ) and i'm not joking. because we were followed everywhere. but do go. >> okay. >> stephen: do go. ( laughter ) well, we have to take a break, but we'll be right back with more steve buscemi. stick around, everybody. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪ ♪ baby, why don't you just meet me in the middle ♪ ♪ in the middle ♪ so pull me closer ♪ why don't you pull me close ♪ ♪ why don't you come on over ♪ ♪ i can't just let you go ♪ ♪ oh baby ♪ i'm losing my mind just a little ♪ ♪ so why don't you just meet me in the middle ♪ ♪ middle ♪ cut! yeah, that was the one, right?
12:14 am
hey jon, did you eat half of my bagel? uhhh. speaking of half, if you switch to h&r block this year, you'll pay half what you paid the other guy last year. so, you did. smokescreen! you're a fake wizard, jon. this is a movie set. switch to h&r block and pay half of what you paid your other guy. h&r block. get your taxes won. ♪ here's an invitation to the whole wide world, ♪ ♪ from your brother to your sister ♪
12:15 am
♪ to your best friend's girl, ♪ don't bring that bad day with cha, ♪ ♪ leave it at the door. ♪ if you got money in your pocket, ♪ ♪ it don't mean nothing, if you ain't where it is. ♪ ♪ if you ain't where it is. ♪ ♪ trade up and save up to $350 at best buy. ♪ they say, "summer bodies are but they never said how. goodbye colds, hello allergies. stay right where you are, soup.
12:16 am
12:17 am
we're back with the lovely and talented steve buscemi. steve, i just found out ream, besides being a great actor, you were also a stand-up comedian briefly? >> veryef stephen: and whar your career are we talking about here? >> i was very young. i hadn't done anything. i had just moved to the city from long island, and i always loved comedy. like, i grew up on, you know-- well, in the beginning like
12:18 am
rodney dangerfield, and people like that. and later george carl and i know steve mart glin, o martin. i loved them. i knew i wanted to be an actor, but i just didn't know how to go about it. but i had read or i had heard that stand-up comedians sometimes got their own sitcoms or got on a sitcom. and i thought that was okay. so if i write my own stuff and if i can get into a club and perform, maybe somebody will sea me and cast me in their tv show. that's-- that's all i wanted to do. and the clubs there were. you just had to pass the auditions. i don't know how i did it, but i somehow passed the auditions at the improv in the late 70s and people like seinfeld were there, and gilbert godfried, and larry david introduced me on my audition night. >> stephen: larry davis introduced ow stage? >> he was the m.c., yeah. >> stephen: wow. was that awkward? because everything with him is.
12:19 am
( laughter ) >> i didn't know who he was then. i don't think eye didn't know anybody then. >> stephen: what was your stchik. >> i shouldn't tell people i did stand-up because then they want to know what i did. >> stephen: i want to know what you did. ( laughter ) >> i had a very unique style. >> stephen: so what did you do at the improv, like, that night what, did you do? >> that night-- oh, it was so bad, really. i've-- i've sort of blocked it out of my head. it was-- you know, i did a lot of self--- self-dedenigrating hm hoourm. is that how they say it. >> stephen: yeah. >> i did that. i made fun of myself as much as i could. but i can't remember-- i truly can't remember-- okay, one thing i did. ( laughter ) i was very-- i was very skinny, and i used to, like, sometimes would even, like, take my, like, shirt off and, like, pretend i was, like, a muscle guy.
12:20 am
>> stephen: yeah. >> that got some laughs. and then i said i've been pumping iron lately, and then i would pull out, like air, regular iron that you would iron clothes with. ( laughter ) ( applause ) those were the joke s. >> stephen: i liked it. >> was it good? >> stephen: i like it, i like it. but you were-- i thought for a while you were a fireman? >> i-- then i did that. so this is when i was-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: so you were-- you were the fireman-- you were not the fireman they put in the sexy calendar. >> no. >> stephen: we still have that to look forward to. >> some day. >> stephen: steve, so nice to see you again. thank you for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: "the death of stalin" opens next friday. steve buscemi, everybody. we'll be right back with comedian sebastian maniscalco.ty -ahh. -the new guy. -whoa, he looks -- -he looks exactly like me.
12:21 am
-no. -separated at birth much? we should switch name tags, and no one would know who was who. jamie, you seriously think you look like him? uh, i'm pretty good with comparisons. like how progressive helps people save money by comparing rates, even if we're not the lowest. even if we're not the lowest. whoa! wow. i mean, the outfit helps, but pretty great. look at us. wowthat's the new, but pretty great. ♪ hurry in to old navy for up to 50% off all jeans. adults from fifteen dollars. kids from ten dollars, at old navy. you're more than just a bathroom disease.. you're a life of unpredictable symptoms. crohn's, you've tried to own us. telara® stelara® works differently for adults ro's disease. studies showed relief and remission, may of your immune system to fight infections and may increase your risk
12:22 am
serus infections require hospitalization. before treatment, get tested for tuberculosis. before or during treatment, always tell your doctor if you think you have an infection or have flu-like symptoms or sores, have had cancer, or develop any new skin growths, or if anyone in your house needs or recently had a vaccine. alert your doctor of new or worsening problems, including headaches, seizures, confusion, and vision problems. these may be signs of a rare, potentially fatal brain condition. some serious allergic reactions can occur. do not take stelara® if you are allergic to any of its ingredients. we're fed up with your unpredictability. remission can start with stelara®. talk to your doctor today. janssen wants to help you explore cost support options for stelara®. thisat red lobsterest. with exciting new dishes like dueling lobster tails and lobster truffle mac & cheese. classics like lobster lover's dream are here too. so enjoy these 10 lobsterlicious dishes while you can because lobsterfest won't last.
12:23 am
12:24 am
i thought i was managing my moderate to severe crohn's disease. then i realized something was missing... me. my symptoms were keeping me from being there. so, i talked to my doctor and learned humira is for people
12:25 am
who still have symptoms of crohn's disease after trying other medications. and the majority of people on humira saw significant symptom relief and many achieved remission in as little as 4 weeks. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. be there for you, and them. ask your gastroenterologist about humira. with humira, remission is possible.
12:26 am
discover card. i justis this for real?match, yep. we match all the cash back new cardmembers earn at the end of their first year, automatically. whoo! i got my money! hard to contain yourself, isn't it? uh huh! let it go! whoo! get a dollar-for-dollar match at the end of your first year. only from discover. ♪ baby, why don't you just maremeet me in the middle ♪ ♪ i'm losing my mind just a little ♪ ♪eet in the middle ♪ so why don't you just ♪
12:27 am
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
12:28 am
>> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. my next guest is a stand-up comedian who has had three specials on showtime and is currently on a nationwide tour. please welcome sebastian maniscalco! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) hey, nice to you have back. >> thank you. >> stephen: now, you've been stand-- how long have you been in stand-up? >> 20 years. >> stephen: 20 years okay. and now you're a pretty big deal. you've hit in a big way in the last couple of years, but i imagine there have to have been some lean years there in the beginning. >> very lean. took a lot of jobs. i was a telemarketer for olin mills portrait studio. ( laughter ). >> stephen: wow. >> yeah. >> stephen: how do you sell that? >> well, with this voice it's really hard to make people at ease on the phone. imagine getting a cold call:
12:29 am
"hi, would you leak a portrait package?" so i did that. i was captain morgan. i used to dress up as captain morgan. ( laughter ) >> stephen: for pay? ( laughter ) or was this just an enthusiasm of yours? >> no, this was an actual job, 12 buckans hour. you used to go into a bar, and they were, like, seedy bars, beer and peanut type ofused to y costume in my hand and i used to ask the manager where could i set snup. >> stephen: so you wouldn't come in the door with, like, a saber and a hat? >> no, would go into the bathroom, change into captain rg nothing like chaing in a bar baroom! that is a fresh very fresh. >> stephen: yeah, >> so i would come out in the mustache, the hat, the saber,
12:30 am
the hook -- >> stephen: wait, he has a hook? >> well, i think they gave me a hook. i don't even he has one, but there was a hook involved. so i came out. and i had to do the whole thing. i had to walk around the bar with, like, shots, and, you know, ask people, "ahoy, maties! would you like some spiced rum!" and, uh... ( laughter ) that's what i did for-- for seven or eight bars. >> stephen: wait, are there rules of what the captain can and cannot say? because i've done some inclusive sponsorship, and you get these sheets saying, "the captain does this. the captain distribute do that." like, "the captain, you know, keeps it clean." was it stuff like that? >> to be honest with you, i didn't read any of the paperwork, all right. >> stephen: okay, okay. >> i just went in and did my own thing. >> stephen: okay, uh-huh... >> i went to a bar once, it was a nightclub and all my buddies were at this nightclub. and, of course,, you know, coming from chicago you get
12:31 am
ripped to shreds if you do anything outside the norm. and by the end of the night, they were stealing everything i had. they took the hat. they took the hook. by the end of the night, i'm in a t-shirt and a mustache passing rum around. >> stephen: that sounds like freddie mercury. ( laughter ) was your family worried about you? >> no, you know, what? they were, like, you know, "it's a great opportunity!" you know, like... ( laughter ) "maybe if you do this well, they're hire you in the executive branch." you know. >> stephen: the last time you were here, we talked about your italian family, your italian heritage. and i understand you went back to-- what would you say it's old country with your dad, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: is he actually from the old country? >> yeah, he's from sicily. he came here when he was 15 years old. so we went back-- this was about nine years ago-- and he hadn't been bab backin 50 years and i've never been riesht?
12:32 am
so we went into this small little village where he grew up and we exwoblgd on the door where he used to live. and he said to the woman in >> stephen: oh, wowwith my son.m >> and they lets walktephen: that' yeah. so i'm thinking to myself, can you imagine if you went to your old house in new jersey. ( laughter ) knocked on the door, "hi, be we used to live here. do you mind if we walk around the place?" so, uh... we did that -- >> stephen: what was that experience like for him? it must have been very moving. >> well, listen, he's showing me everywhere he used to go. he's going, "we used to play soccer here. i learned ping pong in this little rec center." and he's showing me all these place. "this is where your grandfather fixed shoes." i had to take a knee. i got emotional, right dispp he looks back, "what's wrong?
12:33 am
why are you crying?" and i was said, "this ain't affecting you? the first time you've been back in 50 years, and nothing!" you know. so-- but he'sen time since i've took him-- he's been back for the last nine years he's been. and i think he was just a little kind of overwhelmed. but now, you know, now he criesa new book. it's called "stay hungry." >> yes. >> stephen: very important to stay hungry. how did you keep-- do you still work to keep yourself hungry? >> well, you have to. i mean, you know, doing these hy for more in comedy, you kow res. even in success, you have to stay hungry because you want to kind of s top. so that's kind of where the book comes into play. and the book came out this wee k the book out at the bookstore.
12:34 am
>> stephen: that's nice. that's really nice. is this your first book? >> first book. >> stephen: that's a huge milestone. she must be so proud. >> very proud. but then she calls me and she goes, "i don't like where the book is placed." laugh. >> stephen: like a barnes & noble. >> barnes & noble. so thee brought the book up where she thought it should be. >> stephen: is that what this is? you have a photo. >> stephen: is this it? >> that's it. so there's mom. bringing the book up. ( laughter ) front and center, and then she populated the other books that were bestseller around my book glut. >> stephen: just to give tlike, a contact high. >> yeah, "maybe if you yike of like this, you'll like my son." she's like amazon on the street, you know. so... >> stephen: give our best to your mother. thank you so much for being here. >> i will. thank you ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: the book is "stay hungry." it's available now.
12:35 am
♪when you've got...♪ ♪...nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!♪ ♪nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!♪ here's pepto bismol! ah. ♪nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!♪ what does life look like during your period? it's up to you, with tampax pearl. you get ultimate protection on your heaviest days and smooth removal for your lightest. tampax pearl and pearl active. for up-to 100% leak-free work outs.
12:36 am
60% of women are wearing the wrong size pad and can experience leaks discover always my fit. find the number that's right for your flow and panty size on the top of any always pack. the better the fit, the better it protects. always. dinner date...meeting his parents dinner date. why did i want a crest 3d white smile? so i used crest. crest 3d white removes... ...95% of surface stains in just 3 days... ...for a whiter smile... that will win them over. crest. healthy, beautiful smiles for life.
12:37 am
late show," everybody. join me next week when i'll be joined by reese witherspoon, mindy kaling, and oprah! good night! captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ are you ready y'all
12:38 am
to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ( cheers and applause ) >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from dr. parnassus' laboratory, give it up for your host, the one, t


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on