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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  August 19, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT

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a.m. with rod nelson, michelle charlesworth, and from all of >> dicky: from hollywood it's ?jimmy kimmel live?! tonight, hugh grant, comedian nikki glaser, britney spears, and music from miranda lambert with cleto and the cletones. and now, not so fast -- here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ? >> jimmy: very nice. hi, i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. thanks for joining my group thing.
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boulevard, those of you in our studio audience are now aware is a dirty place. [ laughter ] pollution, cars and trucks, unclean superheroes roaming. we have hooters. it's disgusting. so yet even with all that unpleasantness, this hellhole we call hollywood is as fresh and crisp as the swiss alps compared to rio de janeiro right now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i have not been there but i've been led to believe the air is unsafe to breathe and the water has just a hint of raw sewage. they say there's so much bacteria in the water it's hard to tell if they're hosting the olympics or a season of "bachelor in paradise." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: on top of that you have the crime and the zika virus. these athletes should get a medal for making it back on the plane home. i mean, really. i'll tell you something, i miss
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through a dusty land. i love the olympics. i like to watch it. also every four years i find out about a new place i don't ever want to go. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i have an important announcement for those traveling to rio or anywhere in the near future. the tsa is reminding passengers that batterrangs are not allowed on planes. if you don't know, these are batterangs. this is from the tsa's instagram account. apparently so many people have been trying to take this on the plane the tsa felt compelled to speak out. there are more than a dozen photos of confiscated batterangs on the tsa account. which is a very sexy account by the way. i don't know if they confiscated them from passengers on their way to comic-con or what. if you have a batterang, leave it at home with your mother, okay? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
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tsa security line because some bonehead tried to bring a batterang on the plane. i might have to use one of my collectible penguin umbrellas in his ass. i say the lines at the airport are already long enough. as your future vice president, i don't just talk, i plan to do something. [ cheers and applause ] my podium, podium-bringers. my fellow americans. summertime is a time when many of us go on vacation. many of you are on vacation right now. many you are on trips with your terrible children. and it's difficult enough. these long lines at the airport, i don't know about you, but i don't like waiting in line. do you like waiting in lines? [ audience: no! ] >> jimmy: sorry we made you wait in a line to get in. if there's one thing americans can agree on we hate to wait in line. that's why when i am elected i will propose all airport
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transformed into lazy rivers. that's right. [ cheers and applause ] when i am vice president, instead of standing in line carrying your stuff, you'll get in a tube, you'll get a beer, and you and your luggage will float right through security. [ cheers and applause ] and yes, we will still have to take our shoes off. but now we will get to take our pants off too. [ cheers and applause ] not only is it a huge boost for morale, it will keep us safe. have you ever seen a terrorist in a lazy river? i haven't. a lazy river at the airport would allow us to do both of the things we love to do most. being lazy, and peeing in a public place. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] as your vice president, i will make that happen for you. thank you! [ cheers and applause ]
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you like that idea? >> guillermo: that's a great idea. >> jimmy: you like that? and he can't even swim. he's willing to drown for this idea. you know, this is interesting and important to keep in mind when you are traveling. the odds of getting killed in a plane crash are 1 in 11 million. the odds of being killed in a car are 1 in 5,000. it's much more dangerous. part of the reason is that most people driving cars and trucks aren't professional drivers like airline pilots are. some of the people on the road aren't even peop. >> an employee says she was on a break when she noticed a car in this space started moving slowly toward her. as the car inched closer, she assumed the driver maybe was somebody she knew who was messing with her. until she saw this face in the driver's seat. the car crashed into the front of the building. the employee says a second dog in the passenger seat then pushed the car window down. >> dogs can be your best friends. in this situation they can be your enemy too. >> jimmy: wow.
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>> jimmy: i think we've found our new bachelor. so true, dogs can be your enemies. i had a parakeet once tried to kill me with a steak knife. speaking of vehicles careening out of control, according to multiple reports donald trump's campaign staff is becoming extremely frustrated by his behavior and his unwillingness to stay on message during the campaign. i don't blame him, who could have ever guessed he would do something like this? he's usually so low-key. [ laughter ] ordinarily after a candidate gets the nomination, typically he or she tries to pivot to the center to attract undecided voters. but this week alone, trump insulted the parents of a fallen soldier, he called hillary clinton the devil, and he kicked a baby out of a support rally. i haven't seen anything like this since charlie sheen's violent "torpedo of truth" tour. [ cheers and applause ]
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he's even picking fights with fellow republicans. he refused to endorse arizona senator john mccain, refused to endorse speaker of the house paul ryan in their upcoming primaries. even though both of them endorsed him. there's so much infighting. it's like "the real housewives of orange face county." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the head of the republican national committee, reince priebus, is said to be absolutely furious. they say he has not been this angry since he found out his name was reince priebus. [ laughter ] who spoke at the republican national convention to endorse donald trump, claims that ever since that day, he's been blacklisted by hollywood. of course antonio's best known for finishing eighth place on "dancing with the stars." but now he says the liberals who run show business don't want to work with him. i guess we're supposed to believe that before the speech, the offers were pouring in? [ laughter ] how can you get blacklisted from something that didn't even have you listed in the first place?
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even heard antonio sabato jr. was in was "the three stooges" movie. and in that movie, this is not a joke, put that up on the screen. he played "handsome guy number one." they didn't even give him a name. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] now the work has dried up, i guess. i'll tell you something. he's still handsome and he's still number one, nobody can take that away from him. hillary clinton is still running for president which is easy to forget in the middle of this clint supporters had a fund-raiser tonight at a cyber security convention in las vegas, which is all the proceeds will go toward teaching hillary how to use her e-mail account. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] hillary clinton and donald trump have very different views on just about everything. it's a polarizing election. and they have almost no common ground. but i always wonder whether people are really paying attention to the issues or not. so for the most part, i think it doesn't matter what a candidate says, it matters to people which
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so to put this to the test we asked die-hard members of team hillary if they agreed with some things hillary said. but the quotes, the things we asked about, were not from hillary, they were quotes from donald trump. but will these democrats agree with hillary/donald trump? let's find out. >> what did you think when hillary clinton said, i see improved relations with russia is possible. >> i agree with hillary. >> hillary clinton said, immigration is a privilege and we should not let anyone into this country who doesn't support our communities, all of our communities. >> well, i virtually have to agree with that. >> hillary said, in order to achieve the american dream, let people keep more money in their pockets and increase after-tax wages. >> yes, okay. in order -- that's a great idea so that we can start to move everybody up and start moving
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>> and obviously runs fairly severe contrast to what donald trump is proposing? >> absolutely. many of her comments run in severe contrast to donald trump. >> what do you think of this quote from hillary. there's nothing i love more than women but they're really a lot different than portrayed, they're far worse than men, far more aggressive, and boy can they be smart. >> i agree. i've worked for 38 years at the hospital with women. that's very accurate. >> you think that's a sharp contrast to her opponent? >> absolutely. >> hillary clinton said, i like the concept of local education, core, i think common core is a disaster. >> well -- i'm an educator. i'm a schoolteacher. i think common core is a disaster too. >> what do you think of this hillary quote, i have never seen a thin person drinking diet coke. >> never seen a thin person drinking diet coke? well, let me tell you something. diet coke does not make you thin. >> you would say get rid of common core, keep the diet coke? >> keep the diet coke. >> what do you think of this
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>> well, i've heard that a lot from a lot of politicians. it's all about the timing, isn't it? no, hey, she's for us now, yay! i'll take that as a win. >> what do you think of this quote from hillary clinton, while bette midler is an extremely unattractive woman i refuse to say that because i always insist on being politically correct. >> i am sure she never said that. [ cheers and applause ] >> you're right. i'm sorry about that. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's okay. that horrible woman, sues everyone. we have to take a break. when we come back, pokemon go is making a lot of trouble, and britney spears pulled a prank on me in the middle of the night, so stick around for a chance to see what i look like when i sleep, after this. [ cheers and applause ]
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello and welcome back. hugh grant, nicky glazer, music from miranda lambert is all on the way. first, this is a troubling sign of our digital time. according to a new study published by "the archives of sexual behavior journal" which i get at my house, millennials, born between 1980 and 1994, would rather go on the internet than have sex. which going on the internet and having sex are two different things? i didn't realize that. isn't that crazy? imagine if we knew when we were teenagers one day there would be an invention that is better -- that's more interesting than sex. if the human race is going to survive, we're going to have to invent a phone we can have sex with. we're going to have to start mating. [ cheers and applause ]
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but i blame pokemon for this, specifically squirtle. this obama go thing, it's not letting up. it's not just kids playing it. this happened in washington, d.c. during an official state department press briefing. >> as the secretary said earlier today, though, and i think it's an important reminder -- you're playing the pokemon thing right there aren't you? it's an important reminder. we know this won't be easy, we recognize it's a challenge. we're this is why we convene this important ministerial and will continue to work with our coalition partners to defeat daesh. did you get one? sorry about that. >> jimmy: you know what, it's really his fault for having a snarlaps on his shoulder. people playing pokemon go have caused a number of incidents and accidents which makes sense, people walking while looking down at their phones, of course something is going to happen. to raise awareness of this
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to educate you with this cautionary pokemontage. >> two teens shot while going on another man's property to play pokemon go. >> in oregon two brothers on the hunt found a loaded handgun. >> the game led to something much bigger, the body of a dead man. >> he kept right on playing even after he was stabbed. >> the app led players to a halfway house for sex offenders. >> men in california playing the game walked off a cliff. in a cave. >> the game led 15-year-old autumn to cross a busy street in pittsburgh where she was hit by a car. >> lane smith was at a poke stop when a copperhead bit him on the toe. >> you're looking at a pokemon go player in bosnia. on his phone. meters away from a sign warning of a minefield. >> six people were playing a popular game when a man with a gun came up and demanded money. but one of the players was also
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map to the nearest pokemon gym which happens to be the police station. the problem is, he's a known criminal and had a warrant out for his arrest. >> the pokemon go game led to a car crash in baltimore. the driver said he was playing pokemon behind the wheel before he slammed into a police cruiser. >> that's what i get for playing this dumb [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: that's right. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's a shame this game could have used it to find bin laden a lot sooner. [ laughter ] if you watch this show you know i'm a great lover of pranks. mostly i like them when they're on other people. but i can also appreciate when a good one is pulled on me. last year for april fools, rihanna broke into my house and jumped on my bed and started singing in the middle of the night. of course i changed the locks. somehow it's happened again. this time the culprit was another music superstar.
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against me. they assembled a team of dancers and they marched them up to my bedroom in the middle of the night, and well, it went exactly like this. ? >> okay, so yeah, a surprise for jimmy. we're going to go wake him up and see what happens. ? ? ? ?
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? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? >> bye, jimmy! >> jimmy: thanks for coming by. have a good day. what happened to my wife? you can go too.
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kids are here, we've got to be quiet. >> jimmy: this is how you become part of the group. how are you doing? >> hello. >> jimmy: wow. look at this. merry christmas. all right, well, thanks, everybody. everyone back to las vegas. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks to britney spears. her new album "gorily" i don't know why i'm giving her applause for that, i should be calling police on her. we have a good show. music from miranda lambert. from comedy central, nikki glaser is here and we'll be right back with hugh grant. [ cheers and applause ] ? oh, okay. well, how about this?
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it's just me with happy hands... it just means i'll take it. right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line. ? ? hey, is this our turn? honey...our turn? (woman vo) great adventures are still out there. we'll find them in our subaru outback. (avo) love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. get zero percent on select subaru models during the subaru a lot to love event,
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hello! it's our new intern, bart's first week here at td bank, he's a robot from one of those other banks. we're training him to bank human. i am banking assistance & registration technology. wait, wait, wait. but you can call me, banking assistance & registration technology. hi amy. thank you. thank you. that is not protocol manager jenna. that's ok bart, it is here. at td bank we do things differently, like having the longest hours of any bank. don't just bank.
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tonight from the show "not safe with nikki glaser" on comedy central. the host of the program comedian nikki glaser is here. then this is her new single. it's called ?vice? the return of miranda lambert to the samsung stage. [ cheers and applause ] you can see her tomorrow night at the greek theater in l.a. and friday night in irvine. tomorrow, morgan freeman will be here, chef steve martorano is going to cook and we'll have music from young the giant. our first guest tonight is the star of many memorable movies, weddings, funerals and diaries. his latest with meryl streep is "florence foster jenkins." it opens august 12th. please say hello to hugh grant! [ cheers and applause ] ? >> jimmy: very nice to meet you.
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>> it's lovely to be here. you're very welcoming. >> thank you, thank you. >> i've always wondered, are you -- if an english person, an english golfer, an english middle-aged golfer thinks of kimmel, firstly of course they think of you. very soon after that they think of that disgusting liqueur. do you say liqueur or liquor? >> jimmy: we say liqueur. >> the really horrible ones you get after dinner. >> nobody wants but everyby drinks to be polite, yeah. >> the worst one in the world is kimmel. >> jimmy: yes. it's carroway seed flavored. >> like an old vase of daffodils. >> jimmy: why do you say golfers though? >> because they still make the stuff in holland, i think. kimmel. >> jimmy: german. >> it's so disgusting, no one in the world drinks it except three -- all the members of
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clubs in scotland. the last three really old-fashioned ones. the only ones, in fact, that your future president hasn't bought yet. [ laughter ] i love those places. they survive entirely, these little old men, on kimmel. >> jimmy: see? >> it's the only pleasure in life because everything else is banned. if you play golf or if you've been -- >> jimmy: i play every once in a while. i've never been to one of those really fancy clubs. >> you should. >> jimmy: i should? >> it's sort of fascinating. they banned everything. they say, you can eat here but i'm afraid the lady will have to eat outside. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> yeah, there's a little hatch you're supposed to feed your girlfriend through. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. >> if you do get in or go without your girlfriend, they say, i'm sorry, you can't eat in here, you have to eat in the dirty bar. there's a special bar called dirty. for people who are not members. you stand disgracefully in
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>> jimmy: wow. >> they bring you toast. there's a little bit of butter but no jam. you say, is there any chance i might have some jam? oh, no, sir, there's no jam here. it's like you've asked for crystal meth. [ laughter ] or anal sex or something. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and you go to these places, huh? >> i was a very, very heavy golf user. >> jimmy: you're not anymore? >> i'm in remission, i'm in rehab, yeah. >> jimmy: you have a new place to get drunk and go -- >> the race course. i'm into race driving now. that's a great place to get drunk. >> jimmy: what cars do you race? >> well, silly midlife crisis cars. you know. >> jimmy: italian sports cars? >> italian sports cars, yeah. >> jimmy: who do you race against? >> other fat middle-aged men. [ laughter ] a lot of them are quite good. i'm remarkably bad. i have to say. >> jimmy: you are?
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>> i like having the racing license. it took me years to get it. it's such a cool thing to have. >> jimmy: there's an actual racing license? >> yeah, looks like a credit card. i always get it out by mistake in restaurants. oh, sorry, that's my racing license. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i don't think we have those here, i think anybody can race a car. >> i hope that's not true. >> jimmy: i don't think it's regulated. i don't know -- i've been in a couple of those, nobody ever asked me for a racing license. i used my regular driver's license there. i got it in italy. >> jimmy: i see. >> on the day of the test they said, you have to do 12 laps without any speeding or crashes this time. i did 12 crashes and 12 spins. they said, it's all right, you have the license. >> jimmy: that's italy, they're lax. >> yeah, they're nice. >> jimmy: you have a lot of young kids? you've had a whole bunch of kids in the last few years. how does that work? do you put baby seats in the back of your lamborghini or ferrari?
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>> jimmy: you let them drive, that's nice. >> no, but they come on -- there's one little boy, really loves my races. >> jimmy: he does. >> he's a bit tragic. he says to his mother, there's daddy. she has to say, no, no. that's daddy. >> jimmy: are you a strict parent? are you a relaxed type? >> i think i'm an enchanting parent, but -- >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> i can see now i've made -- i've made some errors. i, for instance -- i like to show my bare bottom to my children. >> jimmy: okay. >> they now do that to all the children at nursery. i like to wear my underpants on my head. i don't know, nothing funnier than that. and now they wear their underpants on their head. all the little children in chelsea west london too. >> jimmy: you're setting a wonderful example. when you say you like to show -- you mean mooning? >> yes. >> jimmy: do they call it mooning?
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>> i know, it's always been funny to me. bringing it back. >> jimmy: you could bring that back. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hugh grant, the new father of mooning. we'll take a break. hugh grant's movie is called "florence foster jenkins." we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ] ? he loves to say, "well, fantastic!" a lot. i do say that, you see... i study psychobiology. i'm a fine arts major. nobody really believes that i take notes this way, but they actually make sense to me. c is a life saver! being able to pull up different articles to different parts of the screen is so convenient. i used to be a mac user but this is way better. ? is depression more than sadness? ? it's a tangle of multiple symptoms.
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? trintellix (vortioxetine) is a prescription medicine for depression. trintellix may start to untangle or help improve the multiple symptoms of depression. for me, trintellix made a difference. tell your healthcare professional right away if your depression worsens, or you have unusual changes in mood, behavior or thoughts of suicide. antidepressants can increase these in children, teens, and young adults. trintellix has not been studied in children. do not take with maois. tell your healthcare professional about your medications, including migraine, psychiatric and depression medications to avoid a potentially life-threatening condition. increased risk of bleeding or bruising may occur especially if taken with nsaid pain relievers, aspirin, or blood thinners. manic episodes or vision problems may occur in some people. may cause low sodium levels. the most common side effects are nausea, constipation and vomiting. trintellix did not have significant impact on weight.
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what's up schumer? okay, i got roped into spending the day with my sister's kids (makes farting noise) and they like keep talking about back to school shopping? back to school is like our red carpet. just go to old navy. they have like the coolest back to school clothes up to 60% off. it's what we all wear. and they have jeans starting at like 10 bucks. noice! don't say "noice." sounds stank! no... stop. okay. um. guess what! we're going to old navy. who's excited? who wants to go shopping? and here we have 1893, from the makers of pepsi cola. i'm gonna smell it. i'm just gonna take one small sip... kinda seemed like more than a sip. 1893. bloldly blended colas. it's time for some straight talk. if you've ever been lured in by a low price wireless plan... then there's not enough high-speed data... or your bill is packed with overages and mystery fees... stop falling for it!
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i want to see you dance! >> no, no, my dancing days are done. >> i want to see you dance. >> no, no -- >> come on! ? ? ? ? >> jimmy: that is hugh grant in "florence foster jenkins." it opens august 12th. [ cheers and applause ] pretty good dancing. >> are you impressed? >> jimmy: i am impressed. >> i'm impressed myself. >> jimmy: that is you dancing or your character dancing? i mean, that's pretty -- do you have to practice or do you know how to dance like that? >> no, it was a nightmare.
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idiot scriptwriter dashes off in three seconds. "then bayfield dances and he's brilliant." how long does it take to type that? >> jimmy: i see. >> then i'm stuck in a dance studio for six months with sweaty people in a leotard learning to do that. i have to say, i now have a little bit of an appetite. >> jimmy: for dance? really? >> i like now to express myself through movement. yes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this will be good for weddings. >> yes, yes. >> jimmy: airport security line, all sorts of places like this where you can really move. w i just had an unfortunate experience just yesterday coming from jfk to here. i'd left my passport. >> jimmy: oh. >> to get through those tsa guys, who are marvelous no quarrel, you need to show i.d. they didn't like a british driving license. they wouldn't accept that. >> jimmy: they didn't accept your italian driving license? >> no, i tried that. [ laughter ] i had the whole virtual strip search. >> jimmy: you did? >> the curious thing is i almost
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the guy was okay, okay, now i'm going to pat your buttocks, i'm going to pat your groin. i thought, really, that's a bit much. but when he did i thought, that's not bad, actually. [ laughter ] a little bit of attention. >> jimmy: your costar in this movie is meryl streep. on the like -- i mean, over in england do they consider meryl streep to be the greatest actress all-time? >> yes, of course, yes, yes. >> jimmy: it's not some snooty count? >> au contraire. well, on the whole that's true. [ laughter ] no, no, she's revered. this was a terrifying experience for me. because i'd really -- >> jimmy: was it really? for you? >> i'd put show business behind me, i was off doing other things, having a new child every week, doing politics. >> jimmy: yeah. >> then rather a distinguished director, steven freers, comes along and says, i think we should do this film with meryl streep. it was such a good script. i thought, i can't turn it down.
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waiting a year. it was a year from signing up to doing it. dreading having to perform with the woman who's got 19 oscar nominations, that is scary. >> jimmy: that amazes me. all the things you've done that you would be intimidated acting with meryl. when you meet her she makes you feel at ease, i would imagine. she certainly did with me. or maybe not? i don't know. >> nothing can make me feel at ease. >> jimmy: nothing? >> except pills. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: meryl didn't provide those? >> no, no. >> jimmy: wow. very inconsiderate. >> i did the whole film on rescue remedy. do you know that stuff? tastes like kimmel. >> jimmy: it does. that could be my new slogan, "tastes a bit like kimmel." it's very good to see you, congratulation on this "florence foster jenkins." [ cheers and applause ] hugh grant, everybody. be right back with nikki glaser!
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>> jimmy: welcome back. miranda lambert is still to come. our next guest is a very funny comedian who has had sex and hosts a show about it. ?not safe with nikki glaser? airs tuesday nights at 10:30 on comedy central. please say hello to nikki glaser. [ cheers and applause ] ? >> jimmy: how are you? >> i'm so good. >> jimmy: i really like your dress, i would wear something like that if i was a woman. >> that's always a good compliment from a man. >> jimmy: have people said that before? >> i don't know. i feel like they, do like guys -- if you have guys pick out your outfit it's something with holes in it. where they can see parts of you. >> jimmy: yeah, we like to see parts, yeah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's human nature. >> it is. >> jimmy: there's nothing wrong with it. you know, you're doing this. >> the last time i saw you, you made an omelette for me once.
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>> you won't remember this. but it's been the highlight of my life. >> jimmy: i remember meeting you. when did i make an omelette? >> i was driving with doug benson to a gig. we picked up some comedian at your place. and you made me -- you were like, do you want anything to eat? you were in a robe. you probably weren't but i picture you in a robe. you made me an omelette, a white -- egg white omelette, and there was no yellow in it. it was so good. >> jimmy: see that? >> i was like, that was my credit for a while. jimmy kimmel made me -- th the stage, this next comedian, zika once made her an omelette. >> jimmy: really, wow, part of your introduction. >> people would lose their minds. >> jimmy: they would. >> i'd have to sign stuff after the show. >> jimmy: was it a good omelette? >> it was so good. i remember being like, i'm going to pretend it's good no matter what. but i didn't have to. it was great. >> jimmy: it's a nice surprise. yeah people assume that whatever i make will be terrible.
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know, my performing career? >> no. >> jimmy: indeed, i do make a very good omelette. >> you're great. >> jimmy: thank you for finally acknowledging that on television. [ cheers and applause ] >> it's not easy to do. >> jimmy: see, guillermo? >> guillermo: i see that, yes. >> jimmy: tell us about the show. your show, the subject matter is sex. >> yes. >> jimmy: that's the umbrella under which you operate. >> yes. yeah, i just have a show where i talk frankly about sex, because we're all doing it. and i like it. and -- do you? [ cheers and applause ] >> they love sex. you know. >> jimmy: what types of situations? >> well, coming up on the show i spent 24 hours at a strip club, which i know is three hours shy of your record. [ laughter ] >> no, do you go -- have you been? i went to las vegas, sapphire. >> jimmy: i grew up in las vegas. >> yes. >> jimmy: when i was in las vegas, i was young. so i wasn't really old enough to get into the strip club. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: once cleto, our band leader, and i went. we stood in the front lobby trying to look in.
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that was about as close as we got. 24 hours, no, we did not spend -- can you even? they're open? >> they're open 24 hours. >> jimmy: what's it like at 7:30 in the morning in a strip club? >> dead. there's like one sad man. getting a lap dance. with ten strippers around him. but it was really sad. it was weird because -- like hour 23 i was like -- last day on "naked and afraid." i was dehydrated, i just wanted to leave. whole -- all my male writers and a couple of lesbian writers were like, we're going to stick around a couple more hours. i think we need to get 27 under our belt. >> jimmy: really. >> they stayed there. and they knew all the tricks -- we talked to strippers and learned all their tricks about how to trick guys into thinking they like you. >> jimmy: what are the tricks? >> eye contact. telling them your real name but it's like your fake real name. they have three names each. >> jimmy: oh, really. >> they're like puff daddy. they do that.
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then the next day, so many of my writers were like, i don't know, i just really feel like i had a connection with cupcake last night. [ laughter ] i feel like she's going to stay in touch. >> jimmy: cupcake. >> a real person i met. >> jimmy: what are some of the other subjects you have on the show? >> oh my gosh. i have been to a foot fetish party. >> jimmy: really? >> which was -- i was the belle of the ball. i have -- i have pretty jacked-up feet. but they're like into that there. they're like -- they loved it. i felt like a supermodel. i felt like my foot was gisele, to them. they were stammering and couldn't look at it, they were nervous. >> jimmy: you're telling me -- i assumed that foot fetishists would like perfect feet. >> no. >> jimmy: their ideal foot would be a foot model. no? >> some of them like to just suck on bunions. [ laughter ] they really do. there's wikifeet, a website where they rate celebrities'
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i wore, like -- i covered up my toes -- >> jimmy: there is? >> out of respect for you. yes. but i've got -- yeah. hey, this guy gave me a foot rub and he was like sweating. nervous. >> jimmy: really? >> then he goes, i'm sorry, i'm getting too excited. and he got a boner. >> jimmy: whoa. >> yeah, it was crazy. >> jimmy: so he decided that he needed to stop? >> yeah, he was like, this is not professional. >> jimmy: oh, boy. yeah, professional. >> i was like, use your boner, >> jimmy: why would you need to have a foot fetish party? couldn't you just go to the beach or something? it seems like there are bare feet everywhere you. >> it's true. it must be a paradox. they can't touch them. at this party girls just will walk on their faces. >> jimmy: girls will walk on their faces? wow. why would the girls want this? >> because they're paid. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, they're paid. >> yeah. cupcake was there. >> jimmy: are there any female foot fetishists?
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it's always guys. >> yes. >> jimmy: it doesn't matter what it is, it's always guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> yep. >> jimmy: well, i don't know if that's good or bad. the show, the finale in which you go to your -- the strip club, is coming up this week. >> yes. >> jimmy: well, that's got to be interesting. >> i also did a virtual reality porn. i had my first lesbian experience on virtual reality porn. >> jimmy: congratulations. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: nikki glaser, "not safe night, comedy central. be right back with miranda lambert! [ cheers and applause ] ? >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live
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>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank hugh grant, nikki glaser, thanks to britney spears. apologies to matt damon, we did run out of time for him. "nightline" is next but first, here with the song ?vice? by miranda lambert!
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? ? sting of the needle dropping on a vinyl neon singer with a jukebox title full of heartbreak ? ? thirty-three forty-five seventy-eight when it hurts this good you gotta play it twice ? ? another vice all dressed up in a pretty black label sweet salvation on a ? ? dining room table waiting on me where the numb meets the lonely ? ? it's gone before it ever melts the ice another vice another
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crawl out of at 7 am with shoes in my hand said i wouldn't do it ? ? but i did it again and i know i'll be back tomorrow night oh ? ? i'll wear a town like a leather jacket when the new wears off i don't even pack it ? ? if you need me i'll be where my reputation don't precede me ? maybe i'm addicted to ? ? goodbyes ? ? another vice another town where my past can't run me down another life ? another call another bed i shouldn't crawl out of at 7 a-m with shoes ?
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it but i did it again and i know i'll be gone ? ? tomorrow night mmm another vice ? ? standing at the sink now looking at the mirror ? ? don't know where i am or how i got here well the only thing that i know how to find ? ? is another vice mmm another vice
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ooh another vice ? ? another vice another vice
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this is "nightline." >> tonight, 60 days in. undercover in a dangerous jail surrounded by violent criminals for a reality show. it sometimes gets too real. exposing alleged crime and corruption, even amongst the you're doing illegal activity i'm going to personally risk myself and walk into the jail. plus, skim bilk. the sophisticated and diabolical new way scammers are helping themselves to your hard-earned cash. >> it's very easy. and it's a lot of money. >> there are new ways to protect yourself from high-tech credit and debit card skimming. and rose all day.


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