happy birthday, barbara. [ applause ] you guys, that was a good thing, because everyone is talking about how gadhafi went crazy -- on the rant on wednesday at the u.n. well, apparently he spoke for so long that his translator collapsed. [ laughter ] isn't that crazy? and another u.n. translator had to come in and complete the final 20 minutes of this rant. at one point they were just going like -- [ laughter ] it was bizarre. venezuelan president hugo chavez says that the united nations doesn't smell of sulfur anymore. [ laughter ] he says that "it smells of anything else. and i'm looking at you france." that's what he said and i go -- [ laughter ] "that's not peaceful. that's -- why would you do that?" this is interesting, justin guarini, the runner up of the first season of "american idol." he's getting married to a woman that he's been friends with since high school. that's nice, right? she knew him before he was famous and after he was famous. [ laughter ] i think it will work.

melodie thornton of the pussy-cat dolls announced that the group is breaking up. [ audience aws ] she said, "it's like when you are with your sisters for 24 hours a day. and you need to take your own shower." [ laughter ] every guy was like, "whoa, you can't break up after telling us you guys shower together. [ laughter ] that should to be the next video! that sounds --" did you hear about this? a woman in arkansas was shocked when she got pregnant while she was already pregnant with another baby. there's two babies in her, yeah. not twins. that's gotta suck for the first kid, right? it is like getting a single in your dorm, then you finding out you gotta share it with somebody. [ laughter ] "huh? i already put my tv there. and i got no room, man!" a restaurant in washington, d.c., has a new sandwich named after michelle obama called the michelle melt. it's a turkey burger, on a wheat

bun with onions, swiss, lettuce, tomato, mayo -- basically, it's a turkey burger. [ laughter ] the restaurant also created new sandwich named after joe biden, it's just a hamburger shaped like a foot. [ laughter ] [ applause ] why? why i ought to -- yesterday, hockey legend wayne gretzky said that he's quitting as head coach of the phoenix coyotes. people in phoenix couldn't believe it, they were like, "we have a hockey team in phoenix?" [ laughter ] "cool. i didn't know that." on the cbs show "48 hours mystery," john gotti's daughter victoria admitted for the first time that her father was a killer. and today, cbs went missing. [ laughter ] i just want to say, i don't know john -- i have no connection to john gotti. he seems like a great guy. [ light laughter ] a new study by the university of new hampshire shows that children who were spanked have lower iqs. no kidding. if they had higher iqs, they'd

stop doing things they got spanked for. [ laughter ] right? [ cheers and applause ] that's why. and finally, an unhappy customer filed a lawsuit against the bank of america for over $1 trillion. and if this guy wins, two of the bank executives are going to have to give up their bonuses. [ laughter ] so that is going to be odd. ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah? wow, wow, wow. i'm so excited about tonight's show. from the show "the good wife," the lovely julianna margulies is here. [ cheers and applause ] love julianna margulies. also, the very, very funny kevin smith will be joining us. [ cheers and applause ] he's got a new book and he's great. and my friend and gifted chef michael schlow is here to share some of his latest meatball recipes.

[ cheers and applause ] we're gonna have some meatballs. it's gonna be good. happy friday, everybody. today is friday and that's usually when i catch up on the personal stuff. you know, i check my inbox, return some e-mails and of course send out "thank you notes." [ scattered cheers ] well, i'm running behind so i thought if you guys wouldn't mind i'd just like to write out my weekly "thank you notes" right now. is that cool with you guys? [ cheers and applause ] all right, thank you. i just don't schedule enough time to do this, that's what happens. so, i have to do it during the show. awkward, but -- >> steve: you know, you do what you gotta do. >> jimmy: i gotta do what i gotta do, man. >> steve: keep on keeping on, right? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: gotta let my freak flag fly sometimes. [ laughter ] >> steve: exactly. thank you. >> jimmy: yeah, you're welcome, higgins. and thank you, audience, for letting me do this. this is ridiculous. roots, can i get a little "thank you note" music. ♪ [ laughter ] "thank you, the dow, for hitting a one-year high this week.

i still don't understand what you are or how you work. [ laughter ] but i know that brian williams and matt lauer seem to be in a better mood when you're doing well. [ laughter ] so, thank you." "thank you, tom delay, for appearing on 'dancing with the stars' this week. [ laughter ] i enjoyed watching you rump shake in sansabelt slacks and matching wal-mart helper vest. [ laughter ] it's about time that three-pack-a-day old lady blackjack dealer from reno look came back and you're just the man to do it." [ laughter and applause ] "thank you, guy on the street, who let one go while listening

to his ipod. [ laughter ] just because you can't hear it, it doesn't mean it didn't happen. it happened." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ "thank you 'the wizard of oz' for being digitally remastered and rereleased in theaters. you're definitely a lot different now. [ laughter ] for instance, watching in high-def, you can pick up a lot of the things that you never noticed as a kid, like how the scarecrow, the tin man and the cowardly lion were all incredibly gay." [ laughter ] "thank you, at&t, for finally allowing me to send picture messages on my iphone today. [ cheers and applause ]

they say it's a pretty cool feature. and by 'they' i mean people that have owned any other phone on the market manufactured after the year 1996. [ laughter and applause ] it is about time." ♪ [ laughter ] "thank you, guy, who uses the urinal right next to me even though there are literally ten open urinals. [ laughter ] why not put your arm around my shoulder while we're at it? maybe we can reach over and flush each other's toilets? [ laughter ] just a couple of synchronized pee pals. thanks." [ laughter ] the last "thank you note." ♪

[ light laughter ] "thank you, to fall, for arriving this week. i was really getting tired of summer's [ bleep ]." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] there you have it. those are my "thank you notes." we'll be right back with "wheel of carpet samples." come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ (announcer) still tired of morning coming in the middle of the night? (rooster crow) ...still tired the next day too? when you have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep... remember 2-layer ambien cr. the first layer helps you fall asleep quickly. and unlike other sleep aids, a second helps you stay asleep. when taking ambien cr, don't drive or operate machinery. sleepwalking, and eating or driving while not fully awake with memory loss for the event

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find your cash in minutes at esurance. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, everybody. welcome back and thank you for watching. everyone, i'm so excited. coming up is my favorite game. this game is amazing if you like carpets and you like samples, you are going to love this. it is a game we call "wheel of carpet samples." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. look at this beautiful wheel, so many carpet samples. my favorite game, everyone's favorite game.

let's give a huge round of applause for our three contestants. come on over, everybody. ♪ >> jimmy: there, very good. hello. welcome. how does it feel to be contestants on the "wheel of carpet samples," which won two emmys for outstand achievement in carpet samples and best show overall? [ laughter ] >> i mean, it's an honor. the quality of the carpet sample -- i can't believe it. it's great. >> jimmy: i'm going to let you speak for all of you. >> okay. yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay, in case you don't know the rules, here's a quick refresher. on this wheel, we have dozens of carpet samples. only the best varieties, of course. we've got tango in the night, sudden camel, nougat odyssey, gaudy shawl -- oh, and we also have tonight's mystery sample. ♪ [ spooky music ] steve, can you tell us what tonight's mystery sample is? >> steve: tonight's mystery sample is beige. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: we have also added a very special carpet sample here. look at this, a new car tile on our wheel. and if you land on it, you win a new car -- pet sample. [ laughter ] like we ran out on the tile and should have used the smaller font. oh, well, you live and learn. hey, what's your name? where are you from? >> i'm jennifer. i'm from ohio. >> jimmy: that sounds great already. audience, are you ready? help me out, everybody, let's "spin that wheel of carpet samples." all right. here with go. spin away. very nice. you go and spin from that side, usually gives you an advantage. you have obviously watched this game before. here we go, where it stops no one knows, and seriously, not anyone knows. oh, disco concrete! [ cheers and applause ] fantastic. very good. come on over. here's your sample. disco concrete. that's just amazing. that means that your score is 3.1415926. [ beeping ] oh, you know what that means?

it is "pi alert." your score is the mathematical constant pi, which means it is time for a carpet sample fun fact. >> carpet sample fun fact. ♪ the great sphinx of giza is the world's largest statue. [ music abruptly stops ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yep, well, keep it in mind. it might come in handy later. >> okay. thank you. >> jimmy: go to the end of the line. come on down. hey buddy. >> hi. >> jimmy: what's your name? where are you from? >> i'm matt from idaho. >> jimmy: very good. matt from idaho. that's great. well, look, she has 3.1415926538358929 points. it is the most you can possibly get.

you think you can you top it? >> yeah, i can do it. >> jimmy: okay, good. perfect. all right, now which sample do you have your eye on? >> the mystery. right there. >> jimmy: fair enough. fair enough. [ light laughter ] let's play "spin that wheel of carpet samples." go for it, buddy. [ cheers and applause ] you can do it, you can do it. be careful, be careful. it is a nice spin and i don't want you to get rug burn. be careful. [ laughter ] where it spins no one knows. it is a mystery hypnotizing the home audience, as well as the studio audience with a wave of great carpet samples, and it is going to land on -- oh, no! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ laughter ] the new carpet sample right there. that is what it is. let's see what you have got. which one is -- do we know what it is called? arctic plasma? [ laughter ] arctic platypus. >> this is awesome. >> jimmy: yeah, i know it is. you move on down. thanks buddy. come on over. hey! look at you. you look gorgeous. so, what's your name? where are you from? >> i'm elise. i'm from the city. >> jimmy from the city? >> the city. >> jimmy: oh, absolutely. you don't have to tell me. chicago. >> no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy you're from new york. >> i'm from new york. >> jimmy and why the tiara? >> it is my birthday. >> jimmy: no! >> yes. >> jimmy elise? >> no, i do this everyday. >> jimmy: oh, i don't know. you could be a crazy lady.

i have no idea. crazy people wear -- so it is your birthday? >> yes. >> jimmy: do you mind singing happy birthday everybody? roots, real quick. one, two, three. ♪ happy birthday to you ♪ happy birthday to you ♪ >> thank you. >> jimmy: it's going to be a great year. and we're going to start off the year right. you're playing "wheel of carpet samples." and we have something very special to use, since it is your birthday, we have a special sneak preview of this fall's hot new teen drama. it's called, "wheel of carpet samples." take a look. ♪ >> jimmy: just thinking a lot lately about carpet samples, about life. ♪ you can't stop the wheel. you can't stop it! don't you see? and you think it is funny, but guess what? it ain't funny. don't you see? we are the wheel.

♪ ♪ kiss me, kiss me yeah kiss me, kiss me♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: so excited. i heard in the first episode, they spin the "wheel of carpet samples." >> really? >> jimmy: yeah. now, what is your strategy going into the spin? >> i don't know. i'm just going to go for it. >> jimmy: interesting. [ laughter ] all right. it is time to "spin that wheel of carpet samples." let's go for it, birthday girl. [ applause ] come on. nice spin right there. beautiful spin. i'm so excited. look at this, wow. '60s christmas going by and people are blogging about this. how great it is. right now. sudden camel! [ applause ] that is a new one. now, over here, as always, you have the option to trade in your carpet sample for $100 worth of carpet sample fun bucks. >> carpet sample fun bucks! >> jimmy: now, this money can be spent exclusively at the "wheel of carpet sample store." i encourage you to take the trade. in fact, i insist you do.

[ laughter ] let's bring out the "wheel of carpet samples" store over here. oh, very good. look at this store. we have a diamond ring down there for $101. [ laughter ] and right up there, a carpet sample and looks like you have enough for a carpet sample. are you going to get that from the store? >> i think i will get that. >> jimmy: congratulations. here it is. thank you so much. this is a great one here. swampy octopus. [ light laughter ] congratulations. [ applause ] wow. that is one of the closest matches in the long, torrid history of "wheel of carpet samples" steve, who is tonight's winner? >> steve: okay, well, jimmy, i just got off the phone with the world wildlife foundation. and it turns out that hunting and killing whales is illegal, so i have to go to jail. but before i do, tonight's winner -- everyone! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what do they win? >> steve: well, jimmy, they have won the greatest gift of all -- ♪ a carpet sample. it's a brand new carpet sample. hang it on your wall, put it on your floor.

it's the greatest thing in the world! jimmy -- >> jimmy: "hang it on your wall, put it on your floor. it is the greatest thing in the world." are you guys happy? do you feel like winners? >> yeah. >> definitely. >> so cool. >> jimmy: well, we also got you all $300 gift certificates to the apple store. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: there you go. get whatever you want there. i don't think they have carpet, but it is a fantastic present. that is all of the time we have, so we will see you next time on "the wheel of carpet samples." [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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turn up the light in your eyes. [ female announcer ] with exact eyelights from easy breezy beautiful covergirl. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. our first guest won an emmy for her work on her show "e.r." of course, everyone knows. and is now the star of one of the most talked about new shows of the season "the good wife" which airs tuesdays at 10:00 p.m. on cbs.

say hello to the lovely and talented julianna margulies, everybody. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome, welcome, welcome. >> thanks for having me. it is so nice to be here. >> jimmy: i'm so happy -- thanks for coming on. the last time i saw you we did "saturday night live" together. >> we did "snl." >> jimmy: and it was one of the -- it turned out to be one of the funniest clips -- sketches i think of the history of the show. >> i think it went down in their 25 all-time sketches. >> jimmy: did it really? >> it was the funnest night of my life doing that show. >> jimmy: you were so great. >> i had such a good time. >> jimmy: and you were game for anything. >> i was game. i was game. i really didn't know that i couldn't be game. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i thought you just -- you know, they say do this and you do it.

>> jimmy: you didn't think it was an option to say "no"? >> i didn't think there was an option, no, so i just went for it. >> jimmy: you did this one sketch that we actually have a clip of. it was with will ferrell, kattan, parnell -- ana was in it. >> it was "the bird family." >> jimmy: yes, where chris parnell -- [ cheers and applause ] you're dating chris parnell. so, here's the thing, you're dating chris parnell, right? and he can't -- >> he can't chew food. his teeth are, like, soft like chalk. [ laughter ] and will -- >> jimmy: teeth are soft like chalk. >> they're soft like chalk and will ferrell plays his dad and ana gasteyer's his mom. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and he brings me home on his second date and they're -- his parents have to chew his food for him. [ audience groans ] and spit it into his mouth and regurgitate it into the mouth. >> jimmy: we just -- we have a clip, because you gotta see this. >> i would love to chew this apple pie for you. >> yay! yay! apple pie! [ audience oohs ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you were awesome. i love that you did that. it's so cool. >> but you know, they never -- afterwards will ferrell was like, "you're so cool that you did that." i was like, "well, i wasn't receiving." [ laughter ] i was spitting, if i had to receive, i think i would have vomited. like, you know when you see someone vomit, you kind of

vomit. >> jimmy: yeah, oh, totally. but that was like -- i mean, everybody i remember that was insane when everyone in the studio. 'cause i remember it was like, "oh! oh, my god." >> they went crazy. and for like, i think two years after that, i would get people come up to me in restaurants and ask me to chew their food for them. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i guess -- i guess that's better than asking if you can do some medical procedure or something from "e.r." >> well, that used to happen all the time. and you know, the truth is i actually can chew your food for you, but i can't save your life. much better off chewing food. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. that's much better off that way. >> chewing food. >> jimmy: but now "the good wife." >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, this is great. it's getting great ratings and great reviews, it's a super hit. i'm so happy for you. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: it's great. >> yeah, we're thrilled. everyone -- i mean, we shoot in new york it's an amazing crew, an amazing cast and we're just thrilled to come out of -- >> jimmy: then you gotta come back here all of the time then, if you're in new york. >> oh, i'd love to. >> jimmy: and we'll do bits. we'll do "the bird family" we'll do all sorts of stuff. >> oh, yeah, a little comedy.

i'd love it. >> jimmy: yeah. well, what is "the good wife" about? explain to people if they've never seen it. >> "the good wife" is about a woman who is married to a politician who falls from grace in torrid tryst with some hookers. and -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: happens -- >> it's ripped from the headlines. we've seen it a million time. and now you get to see actually what happens once, you know, they get off of the podium and into the green room and what happens to her life when he goes to jail, because he's been convicted of using government funding for these affairs. and you find out what she has to do. and she ends up having to, you know, go back to work after not being in the workforce for 13 year. and taking care of her kids and moving out of her beautiful home and getting an apartment and figuring out her life. and also figuring out now what to do with the husband. >> jimmy: it's good. it's a good role and you're great in it. it's a drama -- >> thank you. >> jimmy: and you're really good. we have a clip of julianna right here. take a look at it. >> mrs. florrick, please. he told you about the pitted trace evidence. don't make yourself collateral damage here, for your own sake. >> mr. childs. the day you leaked that sex tape to the press and forced me to shield my children from every cable news station that played it in a 24-hour rotation, that was day i became collateral

damage. your worried about my husband, mr. childs? you've obviously never made a woman angry before. but good luck in court. >> jimmy: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] snap! when we come back, we will play charades with julianna margulies, so come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ sam adams boston lager is my favorite

because it has so much flavor. so i wanted to design a glass that would enhance the taste of boston lager. we did a laser etch on the bottom. it releases the hops aromas this bulb is for collecting aromas. there's a little ridge on the inside. and that allows you to sense the hops as it enters your mouth. the way this hits your tongue, you really get the full flavor out of sam adams lager. having a boston lager in this glass was like tasting a boston lager for the first time again.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. we're back with julianna margulies and our charades partners. all right, we have dan from delaware. and we have jackie from philadelphia. [ cheers and applause ] jackie, you're my partner. you're my partner and you're the enemy. [ laughter ] okay. you guys are over there.

now, here's what we're going to do. we've taken clues from the entire studio audience and the top ten are chosen by our staff and they've put on the board here that none of us have seen them. and julianna, you'll be going first. you'll be acting this one out and your partner is gonna have to guess. you have 45 seconds -- >> that's it? >> jimmy: for these things. yeah. >> okay. >> jimmy: it's gonna be super-fast. so we'll sit down. can i call you jackster? no? okay. [ laughter ] all right. sorry, jackie. [ light laughter ] all right, ready? on your mark, get set, go. >> okay. you, it's a tv show. yes. three words and first word, "small." the? okay, the second word now? "the good wife." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my gosh! that's correct. ♪ >> nicely done. good clue. >> thanks for that clue. >> jimmy: unbelievable. [ laughter ] well, just immediately guess "late night with jimmy fallon." okay - [ laughter ]

all right. i don't think -- do you stand up? >> no, you sit down. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: queen of the rules, jackie. now, i'm nervous. yeah. >> i think we got that in maybe 15 seconds. but go ahead. >> jimmy: well, i just called her "the jackster" that's what really got me in trouble. and i'm sorry. [ laughter ] all right, which number would you want? >> 7 please? >> jimmy: okay, cool. i just want to make you happy. [ laughter ] all right. all right, are we starting now? okay. all right. go. all right. ready? um. >> song? two words. two syllables. two words. second word. first syllable. >> oh, boy. >> what? >> jimmy: um -- >> first syllable, second word -- first. sounds like, run, walk, jog, sweat, face -- face? first word.

deck? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's right, "deck face." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] [ buzzer sounds ] come on! that it is. you know the song "deck face" everybody's singing?! "deck face"! come on! man! i'm -- all right. let's do one more. we'll do one more. >> i think it's dan's turn. >> jimmy: dan -- yeah, dan, you do it up. yeah. and we'll guess. [ laughter ] >> i'll guess. >> jimmy: yeah, thanks. what number? >> let's go with 8, dan. >> okay. okay. >> jimmy: it is a book. yep, book. that's tricky.

you'll never get this. [ laughter ] >> second word? >> one syllable. sounds like, hear. >> jimmy: "deck face." [ light laughter ] >> blank, hear, blank, here -- fourth word. >> jimmy: here comes a "deck face." [ laughter ] >> what? what? blank here blank people. >> jimmy: oh, man, you're not even close. >> questions? [ laughter ] >> don't listen to him. you know what we call you? cheater. cheater. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how many syllables? >> elephant. elephant. >> jimmy: yep. >> here the elephant -- [ buzzer sounds ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: nice try, buddy. that was horribly embarrassing. jackie -- yeah, please it's up to you, pal. >> oh, [ bleep ]! [ laughter ] >> did you get it? >> jimmy: i did. i -- >> okay. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: all right. jackie, let's do this. yeah, oh. let's go with 9. that's one of my favorite numbers. [ laughter ] oh, yeah. yep, here we go. one word. what is it? [ laughter ] one word. what genre? "titanic"? >> it's a movie. >> jimmy: "yentl." i don't know, two syllables? >> heckle, heckle, heckle! >> jimmy: ankle, foot -- foot -- something foot. football. wait what? sorry, second syllable? >> oh, come on. >> jimmy: wait, first syllable? "footloose." >> it's a movie. >> jimmy: "footloose." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] we are lucky. come on. yes! that's a tie, so everyone wins. >> it's a "foot deck." it's a "foot deck." >> jimmy: here you guys go. here you go. it's a jimmy fallon -- "late night with jimmy fallon" t-shirt. julianna, you get nothing but a hug. i love you. [ cheers and applause ] "the good wife" airs tuesday at 10:00 on cbs. give it up for julianna margulies.

we'll be right back with kevin smith, everybody. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. welcome back. our next guest is a renowned writer and director of feature films such as "clerks," "chasing amy" and the upcoming, "a couple of dicks." [ light laughter ] it's about detectives. about detectives. he also has a new book out.

it's called "shooting the ish with kevin smith." put it together for new jersey's favorite son, mr. kevin smith everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you buddy? nic to see you. >> hello sir. how are you? >> jimmy: who makes that blazer? is that -- >> this comes direct from casual male xl, sir. >> jimmy: yeah. >> they throw in the xl in the store just in case you don't know that is where the fat guys shop. i went there -- i used to wear a long coat all of the time -- >> jimmy: that's real casual. >> it would make me sweat. and i am fat, jimmy, so i sweat a lot. i sweat when i breathe, so, essentially i was like -- i used to carry a towel and dry off. and i had the long coat and i was like, "what if combined the two?" just wear a towel. >> jimmy: it's a technicolor dreamcoat. >> it kind of is. i don't even want to tell you what's all over it.

like, i saw margulies sitting here. she looked like she really put some thought into her outfit. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and me, i was just like, "dog, get off that!" you know? [ light laughter ] and put it on -- >> jimmy: shooting out of -- >> totally, totally. but it's what i wear at home and stuff, so, you could probably -- if you light it, you will get high. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's true. okay. yeah. okay. >> and if you wear it naked, you'll get pregnant. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is a tricky dream coat. that is a tricky dream coat. >> a little bit. >> jimmy: this book, "shooting the ish." >> "shooting the ish." >> jimmy: now -- >> that is a nice way to say it. >> jimmy: thank you my friend. >> well done. >> jimmy: i got it from the questlove's tweets. >> i like that. what's up, quest? >> questlove: how are you doing? >> how are you sir? thank you for the berserker intro. sorry -- it is like ignoring the show. like, "hey, man. how are you?" >> jimmy: it's okay. you can do that. >> i was going the twitter him and forget about the show for a second. >> jimmy: you are great on twitter by the way. >> no, you are. you have more people than me. >> jimmy: oh, i don't it that way, though.

>> really? because i'm all about size. because i'm hung like this -- [ laughter ] so it's all about -- the more people you've got. but you must be one of those big dudes, who is like, "i don't care about my number." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: exactly. well, explain what this book is. because it's exciting. >> the book, sir, we do a podcast, me and my producer scott mosier. it's called the smodcast. and -- the publisher of the book called up and said, "hey man, would you mind if we took your podcast and transcribed it and turned it into a book?" and they had done it once before. i did this online blog called "my boring ass life." and they took that and put it into a book form, too. so i've never really been an author. i'm always a backdoor author. which sounds very homoerotic. [ laughter ] but it's never like the intent. it always just kind of happens after the fact. and that's what happened with this. >> jimmy: the other one is a "new york times" best seller. >> it wound up on the "new york times" best seller list. i don't know who's buying this, honestly. >> jimmy: you have a lot of great fans. i know you -- >> they're wonderful. >> jimmy: you're doing carnegie hall coming up. sold it out? >> oh, i did in june. i sold out carnegie hall.

>> jimmy: you did it already? >> happened already. >> jimmy: it happened already. that's done. are you on tour with this book? >> yeah, i mean, i go out and do gigs all the time. i just did chicago and minneapolis and ann arbor, back to back. >> jimmy: i love ann arbor. >> yeah, ann arbor is awesome, a great college town. there was a dude there who was just like, "i got tattoos. my wife on my arm. and my kids' name on my arm." just, you know, it's like, "this is the one i sleep with. this is the one i don't." [ laughter ] always keep it straight. >> jimmy: gotta remind yourself like "memento." >> absolutely. [ light laughter ] so the guy in the audience is like, "hey man, will you sign my arm here? and them i'm gonna have it permanently tattooed there." i was just like, "dude, like, i did this chick, 'cause she sleeps with me." >> jimmy: the good wife. >> yeah, like totally. like, don't put my name on there. that's ridiculous. number one, you're a guy. that's just weird. and number two, like, they're just movies. and like what if you wake up one day and your like, "i hate 'clerks.' what an idiot." and then you've got my name tattooed on your arm. i said, "don't do it dude. do it on your ass instead." [ laughter ]

so he came up, he came up and he was like leaning against the chair, pulled his pants down. i got down and i signed his ass. put a towel over the crack so you know, for the stench. signed it and blew it dry. >> jimmy: you did not blow it dry. >> i totally did. and then the dude, as i was leaving the theater, the dude was outside a tattoo parlor. he's like, "it doesn't open 'til 9:00 in the morning, but i'm staying." and i was like, "dude, rethink it." and then i am like, what if you wind up with a chick who's like, "i hate his movies." why would have this name tattooed -- he's like, well, if i have it on my butt, at least it's near the pooper, so she don't care." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: so, you would think that this man is not crazy enough to do this. we have a picture, ladies and gentlemen. [ audience groans ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: he got it done. he done did it. [ audience groans ] and i love that you've got that tweeted to you right there. >> can you see the crevice of the cheek? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no we can't see the crevice. i don't even want to touch it. >> isn't that strange, though? the dude went in there and it was like, "can you permanently

put this on my butt permanently?" and the dude was just like, "who is that? what does that say?" >> jimmy: i saw you at comic-con, i wanted to say. i was backstage or something and i watched that you went up and had a q&a. and you were so good on that thing. it was just a q&a thing and people were standing up in costumes. and god, you've done so much for the comic book world. and they were just talking to you about it and you were blunt and talking back. and i was like, "this is what it's all about." it's just so cool that you did that. >> thank you, very much. >> jimmy: i am a big fan of yours. the pride of new jersey, everybody, kevin smith. [ cheers and applause ] stick around. we're cooking with michael schlow when we come back. you want to stick around? ♪ make a meatball. [ applause ] ♪ i had a pretty good job, but it wasn't what i wanted to do, and i thought, i don't want to do this for the rest of my life i probably don't want to do it tomorrow. i told my dad, "i want to start a brewery." i told him, "i think you're crazy." i started sam adams with boston lager to make rich, flavorful beer. and he went and sold it one bottle at a time. no one had tried an american beer that had that kind of flavor. boston lager really was a groundswell. there's that saying, "do something you love "and you'll never work "a day in your life." i don't feel like i've worked for 24 years.

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest -- our next guest is a talented chef and owner of several celebrated boston restaurants, via matta, radius. on october 11th, he'll be back in new york for the "meatball madness" event part of new york city's wine and food festival. please welcome chef michael schlow, everybody.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what's going on, man? good to see you buddy. >> thank you for having me on. >> jimmy: kevin gonna help out, too. >> that's right kevin's gonna help today, too. >> jimmy: it's good to see you, buddy. thanks for coming on the show. i'm a fan obviously. and a friend of yours. >> yes, you are. >> jimmy: but then i saw you on i saw you on "top chef masters." >> yeah. >> jimmy: what a performance on that. >> well, thank you. it's for charity, remember that. >> jimmy: no, i'm not remembering that, because you were so bad. you got thrown off of the first episode. >> it was those damn girl scouts. usually i can -- >> jimmy: the girl scouts didn't like your cookies. >> no, no. >> jimmy: you made cookies and these girls were like, "i don't like it." and you were sweating in your food. >> what 7-year-old -- >> jimmy: we have a clip, we have a clip. because i got to burn you. ♪ >> i don't really like this chocolate. >> you don't like the chocolate? >> not really.

i think a little bit less of that malted chocolate would be nice. >> yeah. >> they're honest. you know, they're dead honest. you know, they're not going the lie. >> well, i'll be honest, i mean, my dish sucked. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: dude, that's great. [ cheers and applause ] sweating. it was awful. awful. >> yeah, they didn't keep it as cold as you do in the studio. they turned all of the air conditioning off, actually, which was great. >> jimmy: it didn't just affect me, it affected some other great chefs. we have actually a clip of some of your friends that saw you. >> thank you, excellent. >> jimmy: let's take a look. >> the girl scouts. the girl scouts didn't like them. michael. [ laughter ] what's with you? they're -- >> hey schlow, maybe you should cook for the boy scouts. [ cheers and applause ] >> well, you know, it's tough, yeah. tom does prefer the boy scouts to the girl scouts, but we'll just leave that -- yeah. >> jimmy: you can't burn him, he's not here. >> well, listen, we have to make meatballs. let's do it. your food allergies -- aversions are well documented so i did bring you something to fix that once and for all, it's the giant "hold the mayo" t-shirt. okay? >> jimmy: i do hate mayonnaise. thank you. >> i know you hate mayonnaise. and also one other little thing to go with this, your assistant called. the last time you were up at via matta you left something, apparently your members only jacket.

[ laughter ] you left this at the restaurant. [ laughter ] so i know it's a little chilly tonight, but there you go, brother. okay? your members only jacket. >> jimmy: are you sure that's mine? >> could be. >> jimmy: thanks, buddy. >> all right, so anyway -- >> jimmy: my members only jacket. >> let's make some meatballs. the trick to a great meatball, and you and i have eaten many, many meatballs at via matta and you're sort of -- something of an aficionado, i know. >> jimmy: thank you. >> is you have to make sure you that you've got some bread and some cheese. it is not just meat, so it's pork, veal. pour a little bit of milk over that bread right there. just pour this milk right here. yeah. >> jimmy: cool. okay. >> just like that. >> jimmy: i guess he did it. [ laughter ] >> you were going a little slow. you can put the cheese on, how's that? put the cheese on there. >> jimmy: all right, let me do something. i can't wait to see what kevin does. >> kevin, can you grate some cheese for me, actually? we're gonna use this right here. >> kevin: i just came to eat, dude. i'm not -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so you put parmesan cheese in there? why you putting milk and bread? >> well, you gotta soak that overnight. and then, what's gonna happen is -- >> jimmy: this doesn't look like meatballs at all. i'd like throw it out of my house. "hey, everybody. i made meatballs." like, "great, idiot. this is bread and milk." [ laughter ] >> so, what you do then is you're gonna pulse pork, veal,

bread, parmesan cheese. pulse that a little bit. >> jimmy: pork, veal and bread. >> yep. go ahead. there you go. just mix it up. >> jimmy: mix it up. pork, veal, bread. and that ends up looking like that. >> make me some meatballs. >> jimmy: okay, very good. >> you know how to do that, right? while you're doing that, i made a couple ahead of time which i'm going to drop in the fry-alator. and i think the trick to these is that, we've got a combination of panko crumbs and regular bread crumbs. and they're seasoned up. and these take about 7 to 8 minutes. but you keep rolling those. we're going to keep you busy. all right? >> jimmy: yeah. >> and what i also have -- >> jimmy: but it's working, you're kind of yelling at me a little bit. >> what happens is after about eight minutes -- >> jimmy: you fry them? >> yeah, you fry them. that is not a meatball, that's more like a meatloaf. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what? >> that's giant. >> jimmy: this is fantastic. >> well, we want nice and small ones, so that they're bit-sized for you. 'cause we're gonna put a little test to you. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> we are gonna put a little test. first, what i'm gonna do is give you the via matta meatballs which gets a little bit of spicy tomato basil sauce on the bottom. all right? >> jimmy: all right. i like this. >> and then what we do is -- >> jimmy: is kevin doing this, too? >> kevin's gonna eat with us as well. >> kevin: i feel like i've been given busy work, to be honest. [ laughter ] it really does, you're like, "grate the cheese." the whole thing is grated cheese. [ laughter ] you get to do things, man! >> jimmy: did -- the lemons? yeah. >> make sure the tomatoes are

fresh also, all right? all right, kevin, actually you can do something, sprinkle a little bit of parmesan cheese on top of these and some parsley. >> jimmy: now what do we do? >> now you -- >> jimmy: all right. what is it, a meatball taste test? >> yeah, kevin's going to blindfold you, dude. sorry. here you go kevin, blindfold him. >> kevin: this is hotter by the second. [ laughter ] >> yeah, well, we were gonna have julianna do it, but you know what -- >> jimmy: that's all right. >> and actually, we are going to have you see if you can actually figure out these meatballs, versus a few other ones, okay? there is nothing freaky in here that you're not gonna like to eat, but we're gonna see if you like these. because meatballs can be made out of anything. [ laughter ] this is gonna end up on youtube for sure. >> jimmy: yes, this is -- i'm gonna burn my hand in hot oil. >> i promise you won't put it in hot oil. >> jimmy: don't ever at home, don't ever be around hot oil blindfolded. [ laughter ] >> kevin: let's put it around his mouth. >> actually what i want is have julianna come chew them and spit them back into his mouth. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, no, please don't do that. [ cheers and applause ] no, no, no. >> all right, so let's give him a little taste of each one. >> jimmy: here we go. >> kevin's gonna feed you. >> kevin: am i feeding him? >> you're feeding him, dude.

>> jimmy: kevin, are you weird about this? you don't have to do this. >> kevin: like i'm in a robe and feeding a man. that's weird. [ laughter ] >> all right, first one. just a little tiny bite. >> jimmy: do you want to just give it to me? >> you can give him the fork. >> kevin: yeah, dude. i want to give it to you, right in your mouth. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what's going on? >> here we go, open up. >> kevin: open up. >> eat. any idea what that is? >> kevin: that's what you want to hear as you're chewing something. [ laughter ] >> no? >> jimmy: no, this tastes like a meatball. >> okay, go ahead. give him -- >> kevin: another piece or a different one? >> jimmy: what do you mean -- >> give him that one, yeah. it's not a meatball. that one's made out of just bread. just bread. gravy balls. next one. okay. try this one. >> jimmy: all right. >> what's that one? >> kevin: that was the same one he just said. >> oh, you want to just give him some more of the same? >> kevin: well, he seemed to disbelieve it so i wanted to prove it. [ laughter ] >> that's made out of -- that one's just made out of bread, parmesan and some herbs. >> jimmy: if he keeps feeding me the same meatball for like an hour, it's gonna be ridiculous. [ light laughter ] >> let's just see how long it takes before he actually catches on, right?

try another one. okay. give him that one, kevin. >> kevin: sweet flow, dude, that's how you're so thin. >> jimmy: you know what? i can't even do this. what is it? what's going on? okay -- >> you can't cheat. >> jimmy: i'm not going to keep eating bread meatballs. this is insane! dude, when is the meatball thing going down? >> the meatball thing that we're doing in new york, it's "meatball madness." it's got 30 different chefs from all over the place. and we're all bringing our meatballs. but here is your via matta meatball, you really do want to taste that. >> jimmy: i'm dying -- >> that's what you really wanted to eat. >> jimmy: this is awesome right here. >> these are you favorite ones. >> jimmy: michael schlow, everybody. for more information about him and restaurants, check out michaelschlow.com. my thanks to julianna margulies, kevin smith, michael schlow and the greatest band in late night, the roots. stay-tuned for "carson daly." thanks for wathing. have a great weekend. see you next week. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ if you live in or dream of living in wine country, join us on our open house tour of wine country homes.whether it's a house in the middle of a vineyard, or one full of wh