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tv   Late Night With Jimmy Fallon  NBC  July 29, 2010 12:35am-1:35am EDT

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[ cheers and applause ]
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"jimmy fallon" happening right [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting
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company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. how do you guys feel? feeling good? [ cheers and applause ] fantastic. welcome, welcome. thank you for coming. let's get right to the news. yesterday, bp's ceo tony hayward complained he was unfairly demonized in the u.s. over his handling of the gulf oil spill. in response, demons complained that they were unfairly compared to bp's ceo, tony hayward. [ laughter ] that's a big mess. tony hayward didn't like the way he was treated. he said, "sometimes you step off the pavement and get hit by a bus." [ laughter ] in response, fish were like, "what is a bus and where can we get one?" [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] they knew to do that. >> steve: with their fins.
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>> jimmy: they assumed that's how the bus was controlled. chelsea clinton's big wedding is this weekend. [ cheers and applause ] it's rumored that chelsea will wear a vera wang wedding dress and hillary will wear an oscar de la renta mother of the bride dress. and bill is going with a break away tuxedo. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ as clinton ] "you guys order a pizza?" [ laughter ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] this is the big story. president obama was in new york today to tape his appearance on "the view." that's right. whoopi asked him about the economy. joy asked him about the war. and elisabeth asked for his birth certificate. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] interesting.
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hey, you guys, season two of "jersey shore" premiers tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] excited about that. i hear the show has been retooled a little. they are adding a couple more tools. [ laughter ] should be interesting. you guys remember paul, that psychic octopus who predicted the winner of the world cup? [ scattered cheers ] he is back in the news. yeah, the iranian president mahmoud ahmadinejad said that paul the octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the western world. which is exactly what paul the octopus predicted he would say. [ laughter ] isn't that cool? [ light laughter ] i thought that was cool. i don't know if you heard this, but detectives from portland, oregon, have interviewed al gore over sexual misconduct allegations from a masseuse. he said, "i did not have sexual relations with that woman." oh, my god, it's happening again. [ laughter ] it's happening again. that's right, detectives interviewed al gore about sexual misconduct with a masseuse. however, the interview ended
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after about 5 minutes when both detectives fell asleep. [ laughter ] [ as gore ] "then she massaged my arm. [ laughter ] and then she moved down to the gluts and then" -- some sad news, you guys. ivy bean, the world's oldest twitter user has died at the age of 104. [ audience aws ] her last tweet was, "just saw 'inception.' that shiz was dope, son." [ laughter ] check this out, a new study found that dogs automatically imitate humans. that can't be true. i think i'd remember having my leg humped by my actual neighbor. right? [ laughter ] "hey, gary!" [ light laughter ] this is exciting. they are going to make a movie version of the board game "battleship." yeah. just yesterday, i auditioned to play one of the white pegs. [ laughter ]
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i hope i get it. a couple in michigan just got married in the size 8 shoe aisle of a t.j. maxx store. hoping that's not his shoe size or she is in for a disappointing wedding night. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] size 8? finally, this is pretty crazy. justin bieber almost got trampled by dozens of fans in arizona after they spotted him on a segue scooter. [ laughter ] afterwards, justin was like, "wow, that's close. good thing i was wearing my hair." [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show. give it up for the roots! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome, everybody. we have a big show tonight. from the new film "middle men," luke wilson is here, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] the always hilarious tommy davidson is joining us. [ cheers and applause ]
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he's a funny dude. officials from the universal record database are here, and we will be setting some world records tonight, right here in the studio. [ cheers and applause ] world records. we got great music from one of the favorites, dierks bentley is gonna be here! he's back. he sounds great. very, very excited about this. is anyone here on twitter? [ cheers and applause ] it's a fun thing. a lot of fun. i like twitter. a lot of times on twitter, these weird lists get started, where people tweet out topics with a pound sign in front of them. on twitter, they call it a hash tag. stuff like "#what not to do on a first date." or "#remember 2nd grade." and then everyone responds to these hash tags and gives their two cents about what not to do on a first date, or a funny memory about 2nd grade. so last night, we tried something cool. during the show, i went on twitter, and i started a hash tag called "if i had a super power," and i asked you guys at home to tweet out some super powers that you wish you had.
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for example, i tweeted out "the ability to float to work, not fly. it's like air skating." [ laughter ] i figured that would be a cool super power. get a good momentum and float for a block. [ light laughter ] not a crazy super power, but it's something. >> steve: super none the less. >> jimmy: thank you. anyways, you guys sent in thousands of tweets, and i was watching the tweets come in all night long. in fact, at one point, it was even a trending topic in miami. [ scattered applause ] thank you, miami. there were great super powers. so tonight, i thought i would share my favorites, "if i had a super power" tweets from you guys. it's time for "late night" hash tags. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: okay, "if i had super powers." this first is from bo todd. she says, "it would be the ability to lose weight and get in shape by watching other people exercise." [ cheers and applause ]
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i wouldn't mind that at all. this is -- she said, "i would have 'funky cold medina' play every time i get out of my car." [ laughter ] pretty cool super power. "hi, my name is gina." [ laughter ] that rhymes with medina, right? >> steve: yeah, you get "funky warm medina" playing. >> jimmy: tina would be better. this is from @naktasty. naktastey, sorry. i apologize. apologies to @naktastey and everyone at @naktasty, i apologize to them, too. [ light laughter ] @naktastey, he says, "the ability to control penguins. the penguins would cover me like a suit, so i could dive really deep and punch sharks." [ laughter ] i don't know why he wants to punch a shark. but go for it. @mikebroberg, he says, "i would have sponges for hands so doing dishes would be easy and no one would ask me to drive them places." [ laughter ]
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"i don't want sponge hands driving me anywhere!" [ light laughter ] an interesting super power. @johnwyatt1, he says, "i would see dead people like bruce wilkins in 'six senses.'" [ laughter ] really close. can we see that again? "bruce wilkins in 'six senses.'" [ light laughter ] "i see dead people like bruce wilkins." yeah, so close on that one. @jamesnotlames said, "i would have the ability to eat an infinite number of dino chicken nugs, so i could really dominate salad bar at sizzler." [ laughter ] that's a great superpower right there, man. @juliop74, he said, "i would be super slappa fool. there's too many fools that need a good slapping." [ laughter ]
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[ cheers and applause ] super slappa fool. what does he do? he slaps fools. @zcovert1109, he says, "i wish i had the power to turn into cute animals, so the girl at baskin-robbins would finally notice me." [ laughter ] [ audience aws ] dude, just be yourself. [ laughter ] @atomicradio, he says, "the ability to bring back the band jesse and the rippers from 'full house.' great band. great band." [ cheers and applause ] i love how he said great band twice. "great band." we have to bring back ranger joe and mr. woodchuck too. [ light laughter ] for dave coulier. last one here from the_realpetern. he says, "i would rob a bank and take the money to open a bank and rob that bank, then get money from insurance and relax."
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[ laughter ] that's a good plan right there. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. there you have it. those were tonight's "late night" hash tags. to check out all of them, go to twitter and search for, "#ifihadasuperpower." coming up, we are setting world records with universal records database. there they are in the bud light lime room right there. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ man ] uh, ground control, we have a problem. switching to lithium power. i feel better already.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everyone. i am here with dan rollman and corey henderson of the universal records database, right here. [ cheers and applause ] very official human beings. urdb.org. we will be setting some world records tonight right here on this very stage. i'm so excited for this. dan, tell the people about urdb and what it is. >> sure, urdb is an open platform for world records built on the belief that everybody on earth can be the world's best at something. >> jimmy: you don't necessarily have to be good at anything? >> you just have to dream up brand new world records. and you can be the world's best at whatever you want to be. >> jimmy: and what makes it an official urdb world record? >> we have guidelines that your submissions have to be
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quantifiable and breakable, but other than that, we allow people to be really creative. >> jimmy: super fun. you guys are here to make sure everything's official, right? that's why these mustard jackets are here. [ laughter ] all right, here we go. the first record we will attempt is for most times slapped in the face with a slice of pizza in 15 seconds. [ light laughter ] very, very good. we have a couple of staff members to do this. let's bring out bobby and john. come on out. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, bobby. nice to see you, buddy. all right, now, you are going to be attempting the record for most times slapped in the face with a slice of pizza in 15 seconds. who is getting slapped? >> i'm getting slapped. >> jimmy: okay, good. [ light laughter ] are you breaking the record for the most times slapping someone in the face? >> i would hope so. i'm doing most of the work. so, i think i should get the record. >> jimmy: all right, very, very good. okay, here we go. all right, take your seat. you will be sitting there. and we're gonna get ready to go. open your pizza and get ready to go. [ scattered groans ] it's interesting.
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all right, here we go. ready? three, two, one, go! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how many do we have? >> a new world record of 52 slaps. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: congratulations, buddy. how does it feel? are you chewing something right now? >> pizza. >> jimmy: interesting. [ laughter ] give them their official patches. there you go, guys. congratulations. let's see that one more time in slow motion. ♪ [ scattered cheers ] okay, now it's my turn.
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i will attempt to set the record for most different video game systems played in 60 seconds. okay, let's bring them out. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ wow, nintendo. we got sega there. super nes. dreamcast. oh, it keeps going. xbox. xbox 360. this is awesome. all right. we are going to make sure everything is on and working. ♪ >> jimmy: here we go. all right. [ cheers and applause ] this'll be awesome. i cannot wait to set this record. now, dan, tell them what systems we got and what games i'll be playing. >> sure, jimmy. we have the original nes with "legend of zelda." [ cheers and applause ] sega genesis with "sonic." [ cheers and applause ] the super nintendo and "donkey kong country." [ cheers and applause ] sega dreamcast and "crazy taxi." [ cheers and applause ] nintendo 64 with "star fox." >> jimmy: oh, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> playstation, "tomb raider." >> jimmy: oh, very good. [ cheers and applause ] >> playstation 2 and "katamari." and xbox and "halo." [ cheers and applause ] the ps3 and "street fighter 4."
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>> jimmy: oh, yeah. [ scattered cheers ] >> wii and "tiger woods." and then the xbox 360 and "madden." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. here we go. let's do this. i'm ready. let's put 60 seconds on the clock. here we go! ready? go! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ >> jimmy: how many did we get? i don't know if this one counted. i didn't play it and i play that one a little bit too. i wasn't good at either, but i think they counted. >> i think we're gonna go with nine. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nine systems. i have to do better on my last couple games, here. that wii was tough. here's my patch! i'm very excited. [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much. coming up next, we have a good one. this is the most honey nut cheerios caught by a face covered in honey in 15 seconds. now, we chose someone from the audience for this. come on down, buddy. [ cheers and applause ]
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thank you for doing this. >> no problem. >> jimmy: did you know what you were getting into? >> i have a big head. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you've got a lot of cheerios to stick on you. what is your name? >> kevin. >> jimmy: kevin, where you from? >> i'm from long island. >> jimmy: very good, here's what we're gonna do. i hope you like honey, because you will dip your face in a big bowl of it, and then i'm going to attempt to stick as many cheerios to your face as i can in 15 seconds. >> sounds good. >> jimmy: are you up for that? >> yeah. >> jimmy: all right, great. let's put these swim goggles over you. i don't want you to get poked in the eye by cheerios. there you go. and i want you to sit on the stool right here and plant your face in the big bowl of honey there. [ cheers and applause ] good. make sure you can breathe. are you ready? [ cheers and applause ] go! ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] we have it on camera. look at it that way. that's perfect. [ cheers and applause ] can we see that in slow mo? ♪ a little slow at first. sorry. there we go. i started getting more momentum there. that's where we got a lot there. perfect. do we have a new world record? >> definitely going to be a brand new world record, most honey nut cheerios. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: here's your patch. you can stick it to his face if you want to, yeah. good job, kev. i appreciate it, buddy. the count of the exact amount of cheerios will be on the website tomorrow.
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you guys, we're gonna do one more record. this one involves the entire studio audience. [ cheers and applause ] we are going to set the world record for most blow up dolls crowd surfing at once. [ cheers and applause ] we have 25 dolls wearing "late night with jimmy fallon" t-shirts that are going to start at the back of the audience. [ cheers and applause ] and you guys are going to pass them to the front and then pass them all-around. don't throw them on the stage, just pass them around to each other. audience, are you ready? [ cheers and applause ] blow up dolls, are you ready? [ scattered cheers ] bruce, let's do this. here we go! ♪
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>> jimmy: there we go! that's the record! >> that's a new world record. >> jimmy: if you think you can break any of these records, go to urdb.org, and give it a shot. thanks to our record setters at universal record database. we'll be right back with luke wilson, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] like summer, it's here, but not forever. the lexus golden opportunity sales event. don't wait to enjoy legendary lexus quality at equally legendary prices. see your lexus dealer.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there you go, right there. everyone in the audience will get one of these on the way out. congratulations. you all broke the record. we hold the record. our first guest is a very talented actor whose latest film "middle men" opens in theatres august 6th. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome luke wilson! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: nice to see you, buddy. >> how's it going?
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it's kind of a tough act to follow with all the records. having to go on after james brown. anything else is a bit of a let down. >> jimmy: i can throw cheerios at your face if you want. we had a similar late night experience. we both took over for david letterman when he was sick, remember? >> as host. i do remember that. >> jimmy: what do you think? what were your feelings about that? >> incredibly nerve racking. it was one of those things where they asked, and i was like, "this is unbelievable," and told all my friends. as the days got closer, i was like, "luke, what are you doing? why would you ever agree to that?" just 'cause it's like -- i think i have a tough enough time for being out there for 4 1/2 minutes, and i'm going to host the show for an hour. i go to new york, and i hadn't talked in like a day, sitting on the plane right. five hours from l.a., like, "why am i doing this? this is the worst mistake ever." i said, "can i talk to somebody from the show? a producer or something? can i go by the show?"
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i went by the day before and bill cosby is hosting. they have a legend of comedy, a stand-up guy. how do they then go to me? [ laughter ] this is going to be a disaster. i had my dad come up from dallas just as a little back up. he seemed more nervous than i was. [ light laughter ] i was like backstage with him before i went on, and i said "you got any ideas?" he said, "this is where they did 'the ed sullivan show." [ laughter ] i was like, "okay. why don't you wait in the audience now." >> jimmy: "thanks for the help, dad." >> it was actually really fun. although i did -- one of the guests had to tell me to go to commercial. i was talking to her behind the desk, which was very strange, too. they are holding up a sign like "go to commercial. go to commercial now." i keep talking to her, and she was like, "you actually need to go to commercial." [ laughter ] then they just cut it off. doesn't seem to happen to you a lot. >> jimmy: but when i first
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started, oh, my gosh. i didn't know when to go to commercial. i was freaking out, sweating, vomiting. it was insane. was it fun telling the monologue jokes? when you get a laugh, it's a great experience. >> it's really exhilarating. they came in and did a monologue. he's got incredible writers on the show like you and just really funny stuff. it was just as interesting to bomb. [ light laughter ] i had a couple that just bombed and it brings out your inner johnny carson. like, "okay --" [ laughter ] it was like being at a dinner party and saying something, and everything's silent. "hey, how are you doing?" >> jimmy: and there was a way for to you continue the story. your dad wasn't even laughing? >> is this thing on? >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. i worked with your brother, andrew on "fever pitch" and "whip it." and owen. was it fun growing up with all brothers? >> yeah, it was -- we had a really good time. >> jimmy: you used to play paint ball and stuff like that.
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>> paint ball would have been nice. we actually just had real bb gun wars. i think back on it like -- i have a nephew now who is 11. i think, "gosh, he is such a nice, sweet kid." we were complete wild men. it was like a louis l' amour western. [ light laughter ] our parents would leave, and we'd have these bb gun wars, where the only rule was you don't shoot above the neck. we all kind of thought, "but the neck is the best place to shoot somebody." [ laughter ] and my brother, andrew, still has a bb right between his two knuckles. from like '84. [ laughter ] we would -- i had a friend over who -- he was like an only child. a nice guy. i said, we're gonna have a bb gun war now with my brothers. don't trust anybody, including me after this conversation. if anybody says, 'the war is over, come out,' don't come out. if anybody says you have 10 seconds, run.
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i'm not going to shoot you. don't believe them. never give up your gun." we'd have a rule -- you'd have these pump bb guns where you can't pump it more than twice. you would just hear clack clack clack clack. we would get it up to basically like a .22. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: rips your clothes. >> yeah, luckily we made it through. i just don't think kids do that kind of thing anymore. >> jimmy: no, they don't do that, but super soakers have taken over for that. that's frightening enough. they are pretty powerful too. when i was a kid, we had that little water gun. >> exactly. [ laughter ] half the time it didn't work. >> jimmy: you had to hold it sideways, because it leaked. [ laughter ] >> i think we went to the same dime store. >> jimmy: absolutely. more with luke wilson when we come back, guys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ what this droid does will change how you do movies.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] jimmy; . hanging out with luke wilson. got a new movie, "middle men." explain what this movie is to people. >> it's kind of a thriller about a business man played by me who kind of gets involved in like the internet pornography
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business where these two guys had come up with this program for credit cards. they were the first guys to do it to charge pornography on the internet. it's under the backdrop of all of the internet pornography. >> jimmy: so like amazon and all that stuff? >> started with these guys. >> jimmy: selling porn? >> yeah. >> jimmy: really? that's wild. >> back in like 1995 is when it started to happen. >> jimmy: they get involved with russian mafia, and i don't want to say -- but it's kind of a thriller. james caan's in this who you worked with in "bottle rocket." >> i did my first movie with james caan, and it was funny working with him again. because on "bottle rocket," i think -- this was 15 or 16 years ago, and i think he was going through a career transition, and i think someone talked him into doing "bottle rocket." for him it was hitting rock bottom.
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he seemed like so depressed the first couple of days. he's in dallas, and it was just like you could feel like he thought we sounded weird and looked weird. it was like me and my brothers and another guy. he did eventually kind of warm up to us. he'd have us on his trailer for lunch and tell us stories about "the godfather," and we would ask him about working with marlon brando, and he had really great stories about him. he'd say, "all the actors on 'the godfather' idolized brando. it was like you guys with me." [ laughter ] and i had talked to tracy morgan about working with james caan, and he had a really funny story where he said, "yeah, i don't know that james caan likes me, because when i worked with him, i said, 'you know if sonny corleone had ez pass, he would still be alive." [ laughter ] and he said james caan just kind of got up and walked away.
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>> jimmy: that is a great joke. i guess if he did have ez pass, yeah, he would be like, "something is going on here," and then realize he'd be dead. >> exactly. he'd have gone right through that toll booth. >> jimmy: that is a really funny tracy bit. we have a scene from the movie "middle men." this is you blackmailing kelsey grammar. here you go, luke wilson. my lawyers tell me we need to talk. >> your son's committed a very serious crime. although he may be a minor, the state of texas intends to prosecute him to the full extent of the law. >> with all due respect, sir, the school doesn't even want to press charges. >> let me lay it all out. >> let's focus on why we are here. [ bleep ].com this is your billing record mr. griffin. now god forbid this should wind up in here and fall into the wrong hands. it will be on the cover of tomorrow's paper. can you imagine what that would do to a campaign in this city, especially the campaign of a man whose voter base is a bunch of good, god-fearing christian conservatives? that would be terrible. >> do you realize you just
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attempted to blackmail an officer of the court and a publicly elected texas state official? and it worked. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, that's what i'm talking about. luke wilson, "middle men," is in theaters august 6th. come back whenever you in town. tommy davidson joins us next. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ we speak mpg. sure, but do we speak hybrid? yes, we do. and we can say over 700 miles on a single tank and 41 mpg city, and all the words stick because they're true. we speak the most fuel-efficient midsize sedan in america. yes, we speak hybrid, and apparently quite well. fusion is now the 2010 motor trend car of the year. get in... and drive one.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. you know our next guest on the groundbreaking show "in living color." he's a hilarious comedian. he is performing this weekend at caroline's on broadway right here in new york city. and he's featured on the dvd, "i am comic." please welcome tommy davidson, everybody! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ the roots! the roots! the roots are on fire! ♪ ♪ we don't need no water and i cannot say the rest ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. tommy davidson. [ cheers and applause ] nice move there, my friend. >> wow. >> jimmy: i know, right?
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i was watching this dvd, "i am comic." >> i am in it. >> jimmy: you are in this dvd. but there's a bunch of stand-up comedians in there and it's kind of like a documentary about the ins and outs and just the lifestyle -- >> yeah, it's the life we live, the stand-up life. >> jimmy: i'm watching this. you're like, "oh, my gosh." you got all these stories. >> like i was in west palm beach one time, and i was opening. and you have to stay in the house. they don't have you in a hotel. they have a house that's owned by the club. >> jimmy: the club owns a condominium. >> like "the adams family" meets compton. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this is a weird place, but it's close to the -- you can walk to the club easily. >> yeah, you can walk right to the club, and i'm in west palm, and it's like, it's a storm, lightning, no lights for the whole weekend. the house is huge. so i watched a lot of horror movies. >> jimmy: no, you didn't. >> no, i watched a lot of horror movies, therefore i was thinking that freddie was in there. i was freaking out.
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the tv wasn't working. >> jimmy: you didn't have any roommates, nobody? >> i was looking for michael jackson to come out from the closet. [ laughter ] ♪ ♪ it's close to midnight tom be doing comedy at the club ♪ [ sings gibberish ] i just thought i'd throw the -- >> jimmy: there is no words to that song at all, is there? [ sings gibberish ] ♪ >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. [ cheers and applause ] >> is that kobe the congas? >> jimmy: that is not kobe, no. you're doing stand-up -- you
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still do it all the time, all around the world. >> oh, yeah. all around the world. i was in a little island called diego garcia, which is about 1,000 miles off the coast of india. i was in a nuclear sub, okay? >> jimmy: what? >> yeah. and a brother my age was walking around -- "you gotta check this out, my man. we got the torpedo room right here. these are our nuclear silos." i was like, "those can destroy cities." and they had like 10 in the submarine. and i'm like, they cost a lot of money, too. they're closing circuit city here but building bombs. i don't get it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's hilarious. now, you are doing caroline's all this weekend here in new york city. >> i'll be in caroline's tonight and tomorrow. no, tomorrow, friday, and saturday -- friday and saturday, two shows, sunday one show. >> jimmy: i love caroline's. >> thursday, one show. >> jimmy: new york city is happening. it's hot right now, because obama is in town. >> oh, yeah. i'm excited. i'm excited. [ cheers and applause ] let's give it up for president obama. [ cheers and applause ]
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that actually wasn't for white people. no, because black people, we're like, "that's the last hope. he can't do wrong to us." i remember when the voting was coming up and white people were coming to black people. they were serious, too. they were like, "so you are going to vote for obama just because he's black," and we were like, "uh, yeah. [ laughter ] that's the reason why i'm voting." but i love him. he will be on "the view." so i think that's really cool. but i love the way this dude talks. he's smooth. you know what i mean? he won the election, because of the debates. he was just freestyling. they were like, "president obama, what do you think about the word it?" and he'd just be smooth, you know. [ as obama ] "well, first, let's consider 'it.'" [ laughter ] "if 'it' means lowering interest rates so that americans can afford homes, then 'it' is plausible. then 'it' is american." [ laughter ] "if 'it' is too legit to quit." anyway, that's my take on it. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: you have a lot in common with obama. >> i do. i have a very diverse background. i started -- i was just talking about this -- i was adopted by a white family from wyoming. true. no one is laughing. [ light laughter ] no, it's true. i moved and lived in ft. collins, colorado, and i moved to washington, d.c., and saw my first black person, or someone that looked like me. [ light laughter ] and we went to the swimming pool and the black kids kicked our ass, and they were like, "white cracker, white cracker, white cracker." so i got home to my mom, and i was like, "who are these white crackers? we got to stay away from them." [ laughter ] "because, you know, they're dangerous people." and she was like, "well, that's what people that look like you call people that look like us." and i was like, "well, i know we look different, but i didn't know that different." so, we moved to an all white neighborhood and the white people kicked our asses. and the first time i heard the "n" word. and it was like "n" this, "n" that. so i went home to my mother, and i said, "who are these ns? we need to stay away from them,
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because they ain't go good." [ laughter ] and she said, "that's what people like us call people that look like you." and i was like, "well, i don't like that." and then i finally moved to an integrated neighborhood, and i got chased by some white guys that ran behind these really big black dudes, and the white guys ran the other way, i have been black ever since. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there you go. tommy is at caroline's this weekend, july 29th through august 1st. "i am comic" is out on dvd this fall. tommy davidson, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] dierks bentley performs next. come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: our next guest is one of the most popular artists in country music and one of our favorites to come to our show. he is here tonight to perform the song "draw me a map" from his latest album, "up on the ridge," please welcome dierks bentley, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ staring deep into your eyes searching for answers to questions i can't find ♪ ♪ if i took for granted that i held your heart i'd beg forgiveness but i don't know ♪ ♪ where to start so draw me a map that leads me back to you i don't know where to go ♪ ♪ please tell me what to do help me find the road you're on i just need ♪ ♪ directions home draw me a map that leads me back to you ♪
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♪ i've never been so at a loss i'm at a canyon i can't get around ♪ ♪ or cross so baby come down here lay by my side and tell me ♪ ♪ love's not lost across the great divide draw me a map that leads me back to you ♪ ♪ i don't know where to go please tell me what to do help me find the road you're on ♪ ♪ i just need directions home draw me a map that leads me back to you ♪
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♪ you're my destiny and destination so understand my desperation you ♪ ♪ the only place i wanna be so get us back to you and me draw me a map that leads me back to you ♪ ♪ i don't know where to go please tell me what to do help me find the road you're on ♪ ♪ i just need directions home ♪

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