tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC December 2, 2015 11:37pm-12:37am CST
[ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- joel mchale, a performance from musician and author, sara bareilles, featuring the 8g band. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers! [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: that's wonderful to hear. in that case let's get to the news. former president bill clinton said yesterday that donald trump's campaign has a certain "macho appeal." and then trump said, "whoever this 'macho' is, i want him deported. [ laughter ] i don't like the sounds of this macho." donald trump is reportedly planning new campaign events that will feature his wife melania. it's a good chance for trump to connect with female voters and a great chance for melania to
[ applause ] that's right, trump wants to campaign alongside his wife to help close his empathy gap with female voters. because nothing gets women on your side quite like your third wife. [ laughter ] [ applause ] hillary clinton revealed yesterday that she sent a copy of her book "hard choices" to most of the republican presidential candidates. ironically giving those candidates a very easy choice. [ laughter ] [ applause ] anderson cooper will moderate next tuesday's first democratic primary debate on cnn. he'll pose tough questions like, "who are you?" and, "who are you? [ laughter ] if that's you, then who is he? [ laughter ] i thought he was you? anyways, my next hundred
[ laughter ] presidential hopeful secret meeting with new york mayor bill de blasio last month, and we happen to have an exclusive photo. [ laughter and applause ] toyota announced yesterday that they aim to have their own line of self- driving cars by 2020. the new toyotas will be so advanced, they will even be able to recall themselves. [ laughter ] "something is wrong. we need to go back to the garage. are you smoking a cigarette or is that me? this is bad. reverse, reverse." [ laughter ] an iowa man named kevin mccarthy has received a barrage of angry tweets from users confusing him with the controversial speaker of the house contender of the same name. and things are even rougher for
[ laughter ] good plumber, though. once you get by the name, he's a hell of a plumber. [ laughter ] the vatican has announced that pope francis will visit mexico next year. now that he's met all the catholics in america, he wants to see where they're from. [ laughter and applause ] crop experts in illinois are reportedly concerned that there will not be a strong enough pumpkin crop to fill the demands of both halloween and thanksgiving. but don't worry, your pumpkin spice lattes will be fine, because the chemical harvest was plentiful. [ laughter and applause ] that's right, experts are worried there's going to be a bad pumpkin crop, which is incidentally what donald trump asks for when he gets his hair
[ laughter ] a new study found that cats that are shown affection by humans are healthier than those who aren't, while humans who are shown affection by cats don't exist. [ laughter ] a new survey found that 2% of hotel guests have deliberately eavesdropped on people in a neighboring room, while 98% just heard everything. [ laughter ] no effort made. and finally, a youtube star has developed a selfie stick with a dildo attached so users can easily photograph their faces during orgasm. incidentally, a selfie stick with a dildo attached is also how you can describe most youtube stars. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight! [ cheers and applause ] i am very excited about our guests. you know him as host of "the soup" on e!, my good friend
[ cheers and applause ] looking forward to that. she is an amazing musician and song writer, and she has just written her first book, "sounds like me." sara bareilles is here. [ cheers and applause ] we're gonna talk to her. and then we're all very lucky because she's gonna perform a song from her new album "what's inside: songs from 'waitress.'" i'm very much looking forward to that. now before we move on, however, this -- this week russia launched military attacks inside syria further escalating the conflict there, which has already displaced more than four million refugees. presidential candidates on the campaign trail have been debating the proper u.s. response to the refugee crisis which bring us to a segment we call, "a closer look." [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: so to catch everybody up the war in syria has been dragging on for over four years. there's also a presidential campaign going on, so many republicans on the campaign trail have been using syria as a chance to criticize president obama, specifically to
>> he thinks america should lead from behind. >> his philosophy of leading from behind -- >> when america does not lead, the world is a dangerous and a tragic place -- >> we should be this great country that's a great leader -- >> the president is the person who is supposed to be the leader. >> and the obama-clinton foreign policy -- of leading from behind, the whole world's on fire. >> seth: the whole world is on fire. [ light laughter ] and hopefully it won't burn down before this cruz supporter finds his pot of gold. [ laughter ] now, the conflict in syria has also led to a massive refugee crisis. and when it comes to the refugee crisis, republicans have been consistent that it's america's job to lead. here they are. >> this is fundamentally an issue that europe has to come to grips with. >> the europeans need to continue to step up here. >> europe is handling it. germany has been very generous
to me, to be honest with you. [ laughter ] >> very generous but also very surprising. trump can't even compliment someone without also insulting them. [ laughter ] i'd hate to see him on his birthday -- [ as trump ] "melania, a cake. that is thoughtful in a way i did not think you were capable." [ laughter ] so why are those candidates so opposed to taking in refugees? some, like arkansas governor mike huckabee, is concerned they may be coming here for less than noble reasons. >> huckabee recently raised some eyebrows by asking this question, "are they really escaping tyranny, are they escaping poverty, or are they just coming because we've got cable tv?" [ audience groans ] >> seth: that's america. all the selling points of a roadside motel. [ laughter ] wait until they find out we have an ice machine. [ laughter ] that's not the only concern opponents of taking in refugees have, they're also worried that isis fighters may infiltrate the refugees and try to sneak into the u.s. along with them, even
that happening. >> we cannot welcome everyone from -- who are seeking economic opportunity if we cannot guarantee that they're not terrorists. >> the jihadists, they want to infiltrate our nation. >> this could be one of the great military coups of all time. if they sent them to our country, young, strong people, and they turn out to be isis, i mean this could be a trojan horse. >> seth: that's the trojan horse you think is gonna take over the country? because i always thought the trojan horse that would lead to our downfall would be those self-driving cars, or amazon drones. [ laughter ] also, let's back up for a second, because there's one thing in particular that trump keeps saying about the refugees that deserves closer attention. >> if they send them to our country, young, strong people -- it looked like mostly men and they look like strong men. they're all men. and they're all strong-looking guys. there's so many men. and there's so many men that look strong. the first thing i said is, these are men, strong, strong, men. [ laughter ] >> seth: now, of course, trump
something else. >> there's so many men. i say, where are the women? there aren't that many women. there aren't that many women. you know what i'm saying? where are all the women? and they're all men. it's like, where are the women? [ laughter ] >> seth: trump is working this issue like a bouncer at a club works the door. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] [ as trump ] "how many are you? four dudes, no lies, forget it. this is america. we don't import sausage." [ laughter ] so the republicans say we shouldn't be letting isis in, we should be fighting isis. and how should we do that? well, they say by training and sending weapons to anti-isis forces in the region. >> we have to arm and train our allies. >> we need to arm the kurds. >> i would start arming the kurds. >> seth: but in fact, the u.s. actually has been sending aid and weapons to anti-isis forces in iraq and syria, and it has not been going great. >> isis gains made possible with u.s. weapons. >> american-made weapons are falling into the hands of isis
>> in all wars there are uncontrollable factors like wind, and this time it seemed to blow in isis' favor. an american delivered bundle, intended to help fight isis in kobani, apparently landed in the hands of the militants. >> seth: oh, my god, the wind joined isis. [ laughter ] here you are brave soldiers, fight for your freedom! son of a bitch. [ laughter ] so they want to send american weapons to opposition forces to fight isis which also has american weapons. another policy congress -- another policy congress and the obama administration tried was spending hundreds of millions of dollars training and equipping syrian rebels to fight isis in syria. how has that plan worked out? >> general austin, when senator carter was here before this committee in july he testified that were only about 60 syrian fighters that had been trained in our train and equip program and reinserted -- >> seth: 60 fighters? that doesn't sound like a lot.
let's just see what general has to say. >> can you tell us what the total number of trained fighters remains? >> it's a small number. and the ones that are in the fight is -- we're talking four or five. [ laughter ] >> seth: four or five. so basically there are fewer u.s. trained syrian rebels than there are destiny's children. [ laughter ] don't forget letoya. also, give it up to general austin for winning the award for the most honest answer at a congressional hearing. [ cheers and applause ] are you sure you don't want to round it up to ten, general? nope, four. what about four or five? [ laughter ] okay. the point is the war in syria is a complex problem with no easy answers. and so far a lot of things the obama administration and congress have tried have not worked. the one clear cut thing we could do right now would be to take in
we can't keep saying we're the best country in the world and be surprised people wanna come here. they're just fleeing a war-torn region hoping for a better life somewhere. and that life is in america, a country with cable tv and a pool. [ laughter ] this has been "a closer look." [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ]
but what you wouldn't have seen is this, axe dry spray antiperspirant. why are you touching your armpit? i was just checking to see if it's dry. don't, that's weird. the first ever dry spray antiperspirant from axe. oh-oh it's you, hey you. the nba is back on twitter. porzingis, wow! [bell] [static] well you. [camera sound] you got me breaking all the rules it's you. baby, you. moderate to severe crohn's disease is tough, but i've managed. except that managing my symptoms was all i was doing. and when i finally told my doctor, he said humira is for adults like me who have tried other medications but still experience the symptoms
and that in clinical studies, the majority of patients on humira saw significant symptom relief. and many achieved remission. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certn fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. ask your gastroenterologist about humira. with humira, remission is possible.
like 0% apr financing on the reliable camry. did you know, 90% of camrys sold in the last 10 years are still on the road today? but hurry, our biggest event of the year won't last long. right now at toyotathon, get 0% apr financing for 60 months on a 2016 camry. offer ends january 4th. for great deals on other toyotas, visit toyota.com. make the holidays happier at toyotathon.
[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back everybody! and please, give it up for the 8g band. [ cheers and applause ] thank you guys for being here, as always. any baseball fans in the house tonight? [ cheers and applause ] very exciting. there is a wild card game tonight, so basically the play-in game between the pittsburgh pirates and the chicago cubs. it will have happened by the time this airs. i am rooting for the pirates. my dad is from pittsburgh. and i grew up a red sox fan, but a couple of years ago the pirates started winning again, and i jumped on that bandwagon hard. [ laughter ] like, my ankles still hurt from the speed with which i jumped on that bandwagon. [ laughter ] but i'm also torn, because as a baseball fan, it's very hard not to -- and especially as a red sox fan, it's hard not to also root for the cubs. i was born in evanston, illinois, i went to college in chicago. i got my start on improv stages in chicago, i have a lot of
so i will also -- i guess what i'm saying is, i'll jump on that cubs bandwagon. [ laughter ] you beat my beloved pirates, you just know that i'm on board. [ laughter ] but anyways, again, we don't you who are watching this as it airs, you know. and just look in my face for a second and see if i'll be happy [ light laughter ] okay, cool! all right, let's move on. these days, slang terms are evolving so fast that sometimes it is hard to keep up. so, we here at "late night" decided to give you a little primer in a segment we're calling, "seth explains teen slang." [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: all right. our first teen slang-term is, "netflix and chill." [ laughter ] now, this is a real term, that is slang for going to your boyfriend or girlfriend's house to have sex. [ light laughter ] for example, "i'm putting on my nice boxers because allie is coming to netflix and chill. hashtag, orange is the new boink."
now, that's a term you may have heard before, but there are some new terms that are just starting to become popular with teens. we just went over, "netflix and chill," here's a variation on that called, "newspaper and sulk." now, it's a term that means when your partner comes over, but despite your best efforts, you don't have sex. [ laughter ] let's see it in a sentence. "debbie came over, but her bird had just died, so instead we newspapered and sulked." [ laughter ] see our next term. it's, "amazon package." let's see what it means. "when you bring a guy home and his package turns out to be mostly padding." [ laughter and applause ] let's see it in a sentence. "brendan and i fooled around until i realized he had an amazon package, plus it wasn't the color i ordered." [ laughter and applause ] up next it's, "froho." let's see what it means. "a girl who flirts with a guy just to get some frozen yogurt." [ laughter and applause ]
could make out in my car. hashtag froho." [ laughter and applause ] moving on it's, "muck puppet." let's see what it means. when you say something that sounds dirty but isn't. for example, "last night i went down to a police lineup to finger some criminals. wait, i didn't mean it like that. hashtag muck fuppet." [ laughter and applause ] moving on, "it's empty subway car." let's see the definition. "a very attractive single person you purposely avoid because there has to be a good reason they're single." [ laughter ] for example, "debbie is an empty subway car. absolutely beautiful, but she can't stop talking about her dead bird." [ laughter and applause ] up next it's, "the martian." it's the term for a friend who gets separated from your group, but you decide it would be too much of a pain in the ass to find them so you leave them.
"we lost greg on the second day of coachella, but it's too late. he's a martian now." [ laughter and applause ] moving on, it's, "pumpkin spice." a noun meaning, "a dude who only looks attractive in the fall." [ laughter ] let's see it in a sentence. "dan's legs looked pasty in the summer, but now that he's rocking the flannels, he looks like a hot lumberjack. hashtag pumpkin spice." [ laughter and applause ] and let's see our final term, it's "droopsie daisy." it's a noun meaning when a guy is about to have sex but then loses his boner. [ laughter and applause ] let's see it in a sentence. "debbie finally got over her dead bird, but now i can't stop thinking about that little guy. hashtag droopsie daisy." [ laughter and applause ] that was, "seth explains teen slang." we'll be right back with
[humming] track 5 vocals. track 3 piano. someday at christmas, men won't be boys playing with bombs like kids play with toys. one warm december our hearts will see a world where men are free. we swing it like that? someday all our dreams will come to be. someday in a world where people are free. maybe not in time for you and me, yeah but someday at christmas time.
it's time to rise and shine. at kum & go, we're doing more for you to start your day right. like serving up a friendly "good morning" along with breakfast sandwiches & breakfast pizza, yes pizza, & donuts & muffins & coffee that are all made fresh & hot in our store's kitchens every day. kum & go. where & means more. this month, get any breakfast sandwich and a drink for just $3.25
>> seth: welcome back to "late night," everybody. our first guest tonight is an actor and comedian who you know from the show "community." and from films such as "ted" and "the informant." he's also host of "the soup" which airs friday nights at 10:00 on e! please welcome joel mchale. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: hi, friend! so nice to see you. >> thank you. just keep it coming, guys. >> seth: yeah. >> i am super-insecure. how is your finger? >> it's really good. thank you. >> you don't even know what i'm talking about. >> seth: nobody knows what you're talking about. >> never mind. apparently you don't watch the other show.
>> seth: i'm very happy you're here. >> seth: you and i have some we've done some gigs that not a lot of people have done both of. >> yeah. >> seth: super white. [ light laughter ] super white dudes. we both hosted the espys. >> yes, we did. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> seth: and we have also both hosted the white house correspondents dinner. >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. you were so nice to me, because i called seth trembling. i had ground my teeth down to nubs before the white house correspondents dinner, and i said, how -- tell me how this works. it up." >> seth: i might have hung up even before i said up. i remember this. >> he didn't hear me say up. yes, and as you said to me on the phone, it is the strangest audience of all time. >> seth: yes. describe to people what it's like standing up there on that day. president. [ light laughter ] >> seth: yeah.
>> seth: the real president. the real president. >> you look out into the audience and it's like looking into a wax museum. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> because you recognize everybody. >> seth: yup. >> and this is -- >> seth: also, people in d.c. look a little waxy. >> yeah. [ light laughter ] they're ghouls. [ light laughter ] they're not good-looking. they're there for their brain. [ light laughter ] it's better to have it around halloween. >> seth: yeah. >> then you get up and first you have dinner with the first lady for two hours. >> seth: right. >> so you can't even prepare for the show. >> seth: that's very important. i'm assuming it was similar. given my druthers, i would just be pacing back and forth for two hours. >> yeah. shooting bourbon like you did before the show here. >> seth: absolutely. >> you read through your jokes. but instead you have dinner with one of the lovelier people in the world. >> seth: yup. >> the first lady. and you're making small talk like, yeah i watch "modern family" too. anyway. [ laughter ]
about "modern family." >> i'm sure. >> seth: she's a real "modern family" head. >> then the president opens for you. >> seth: yes. he goes first. >> the president goes first, so he is your opener. >> seth: yes. >> which i like to put on any show i'm in, the president opened for this guy. >> seth: and the president is super funny. >> which he told me too. he's super funny. no matter how you feel about politics, the guy can tell a joke. >> seth: and i want to point out, he's so funny he should close. it's crazy. >> yes. he's also the president. >> seth: yeah. that's how smart he is. he's the one who said, no, i'll go first. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> seth: how many gigs is where he is not the last speaker? >> yeah. >> seth: well, it's so crazy. because they're like, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the president. up next, this guy hosted "the soup." >> right. [ laughter ] >> seth: he is so deep in cable, we don't even know what channel he's on. [ laughter ] i don't know why he got this gig.
>> he absolutely kills it. you don't know -- you're the last thing up before all the ghouls, the politicians in general. >> seth: yeah. >> they go to their parties. and all they want to do -- they want to go to a party. >> seth: yeah. >> and they want to get their picture taken with the cast of "glee." so you are the last thing. you told me, make it quick. >> seth: yeah. >> and you got trump in yours. >> seth: i was lucky, i had trump. >> yes. who has a great sense of humor. >> seth: oh, so good. [ laughter ] when it cut to him and the audience during mine, he looked like the old man in the mountain. just a stern profile of a face that's not moving. [ light laughter ] >> and for you, you were like jackpot. >> seth: oh, i was -- well again, you just want something very recent to happen -- >> yeah. >> seth: and you're not telling jokes about stuff that was -- so for me he was doing all that birth certificate stuff leading right up to it. >> in theory, if he becomes president, you're a dead man. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> they are going to send a seal
>> i won't even see it coming. >> no. i can see gizmo with a hood over your head. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> leave the jokes here. you'll be great. you're hilarious. [ laughter ] this is the most classy prison i could find for you. >> seth: there is a wonderful crowd in here this evening. >> an amazing prison. it's incredible. >> seth: how is it - you -- and then -- >> then the espys. right? >> seth: so here you are. the espys. >> here's the thing. is that the white house dinner people, they are so rich and powerful, they never have to laugh again. >> seth: right. >> they're too rich. they don't care. and then the espy crowd, which is also super rich, powerful athletes never have to laugh again, but the difference is they're all wearing sunglasses. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> it sounds like you're talking to a bunch of blind people who also can't hear anything, because they're not reacting to your jokes at all. [ light laughter ] and they told me to look at the people behind them.
[ laughter ] so my trump in that one was really brett favre where i said, "hey, are you sitting next to an older man with unflattering dad jeams?" congratulations! you're next to nfl legend brett favre. [ light laughter ] super not happy. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> then i was making fun of the name of the redskins, and i kept repeating it, and they cut away to peyton manning, and he had a look like he had just smelled a fart or he was just confused. [ light laughter ] then i just threw this papa john's pizza at him and he was like, oh, thank god. thank god. so you can't rely on them to laugh at your jokes. >> seth: yeah. i did have one, a guy from the new orleans saints. i remember the day i did it. i remember he came up afterwards and he said, man i had never heard of you before. when you came out, i said, who is this?
thought you were great. i was going to say, without the preamble, that's a compliment. [ laughter ] >> how many years had you been on "saturday night live" at this point? >> seth: like a whole weekend. [ laughter ] >> you were a ball boy up there. you talked and everything. that's great. i'm not going to kill you, i've decided. you're welcome. >> seth: you and i share something else. we share a love of video games. >> a kidney. >> seth: yes. you are a halo guy. >> yes i am. >> seth: "halo 5" coming out. >> yes, it is. >> seth: are you excited about this? >> i don't love my kids anymore. [ laughter ] >> seth: do they know? is it like daddy getting sent away when a new halo comes out? >> when "halo 4" came out with the dreamy nathan fillion in it i was like, my life is complete. i don't need to do anything anymore. and now master chief might be dead, but he's gone awol we think. [ laughter ] now they are looking for him. i don't know what's going to happen next.
it's like "game of thrones" but you get to play it. and you know -- there's laser cannons. so i still get very, very excited. the world is so big and the story is so good. >> seth: are your kids excited? do your kids like halo? are your kids into it as well? >> they don't like killing as much as i do, aliens. [ light laughter ] they play lego dimensions, which is more of a kid game and i'm also in it. >> seth: okay. oh, you're presented in the game? >> yeah. i'm literally in my video. my kids were excited about it, for like, 30 seconds. it was so great. and i was like, you know other daddies don't do this? and they were like, "we don't care, dad." [ laughter ] but i have taken that lego dimensions and i put the halo on top of it and it's like pigs in a blanket inside my xbox one. but yeah, they love those. they do play a lot of games. because we can't really parent them. [ light laughter ]
council raise them. >> right. yes, and i feel like they're really good coordinated with their fingers now. >> seth: so when are you getting into it on "halo 5?" when is the official day? >> oh, i don't know. october 27th. [ laughter ] but yes, i'm very obsessed. >> seth: bye, boys. >> what's your game of choice? >> seth: i'm like a madden. >> "halo 5?" >> seth: madden or fifa guy. i like to play sports. but we recently -- my wife and i recently had a conversation about maybe how that's not the best use of my time. [ laughter ] >> you host a show every night! >> seth: we came to a conclusion together, that it's not the best use of my time. and it was both of us. and that's the great part about it. >> really? [ laughter ] you are a terrible liar. >> seth: i know. >> but your face has gone -- >> seth: it's true. i'm so happy about it. [ laughter ] but now i use my time differently. it's better. everything is better now, joel. have fun with your video games. my life is better than yours. [ laughter ] >> how often do you -- i'm repeating that in the mirror every morning. >> seth: thank you so much for being here. >> thank you for having me.
season 11 of "the soup" as well. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> seth: live from talladega. >> talladega on the 23rd. >> seth: "the soup" airs friday nights at 10:00 on e! check out "halo 5: guardians" available october 27th for xbox one. we'll be right back with sara bareilles. [ cheers and applause ] ("imperial march" playing) some networks promise "unlimited" data, then they slow your downloads after just a gig or two. there! (laser fire) verizon doesn't slow your stuff.
what's this? a box. it takes worn out things and makes 'em better. it's our biggest breakthrough yet! we're taking worn out batteries... ...and making them into something strong. energizer ecoadvanced. world's first long lasting battery made with 4% recycled batteries. this holiday, ford america's best-selling brand is giving you more. the ford holiday sales event... with 0% financing for 60 months on 2015 f-150 and focus and 2016 fusion and escape. plus 1,000 dollars holiday bonus cash on 2015 focus and 2016 fusion and escape. it's the best gift ever. now during the ford holiday sales event get 0% financing for 60 months plus 1,000 dollars holiday bonus cash on select vehicles.
in song." she also has a new album "what's inside: songs from waitress" that will be available on november 6. please welcome to the show, sara bareilles. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome. i'm so happy to have you here. >> thank you. i'm so happy to be here. >> seth: i want to start right off by applauding you for your honesty because you admit in your book you agreed to write a book just so you can have that exciting glow of being someone who is working on a book. >> bragging rights. >> seth: bragging rights. >> we're all looking for them, right? >> seth: yeah. so you're talking about the period after you say yes to a book before you start working on the book so you can say to people, "i'm working on a book." >> yeah. basically. that lasted all of a couple months. >> seth: right. >> before i ever sat down and
out, is kind of challenging. >> seth: yes. [ light laughter ] everyone i know -- a lot of my friends have written books and they all have this really excited period where they're like, "wow, i can't believe i'm writing a book. it's going to be so much fun." and then you see them and they're just like -- ashen with the reality of writing a book. [ light laughter ] did you have that as well? did you romanticize the idea of what it was like to write a book? >> completely. >> seth: yeah. >> and in fact, i read all of your friends' books. and they are very good. i had this image of -- i'll get a cabin in upstate new york and a bassett hound or something. [ light laughter ] and you're like, no. no. >> seth: then i'll sleep and the basset hound will finish the book. [ laughter ] >> but they don't type well. >> seth: they don't. they're terrible typers. >> not a lot of words per minute. >> seth: you can tell something is good there but ultimately the spelling is so bad. [ light laughter ] you know. it's so funny you said you read all those books, because that's the other thing that everyone who writes a memoir they like, then end up reading books to put off writing a book. >> of course. i've never read so much in my life. [ laughter ] >> seth: every time i have anything that i need to write, a writing thing i'm like -- i think, i what i need to do is do
read. yeah. >> seth: then when you read a good book, you're like, i got to do some more writing. you talk in this book about your life in music, and one of the things as somebody who came up, you had to sing in some very odd venues in the beginning. >> i did. >> seth: a lot of small, odd venues. >> you kind of take what you can get at the beginning. and i was in los angeles. i was recently graduated from ucla. and i would play anywhere. there was a kosher chinese restaurant. [ light laughter ] >> seth: is that genghis khan? >> that's genghis kahn, yeah. >> seth: yeah. i've been there before, yeah. i guess there aren't a lot of kosher chinese restaurants. [ laughter ] >> i know. how many could there be? there's one and it was -- i have a lot of recordings from that particular venue. there was a big oversized -- i think used it to be a strip club. there are still stripper poles but like, no strippers. [ light laughter ] >> seth: that's really sad. [ laughter ] like, what happened to the strippers? you don't want to ask. [ laughter ] >> there's a guy in the back.
>> seth: you also talk about writing your first hit song and how it sort of came out of sitting down with a songwriter and being very frustrated with the kind of songs he wanted to write for you. >> there were a few of these moments that had happened. i think "love song" kind of came out of a culmination of a few years of feeling a lot of things about the way people felt about my music. people were very forthright with how much they didn't like what i did. [ light laughter ] really specific, actually, about what they thought i was doing wrong. but i got set up in all these co-writing meetings, which is an awesome way to make music, but i was too young and too naive and sort of didn't know who i was at that time, anyway. there was one in particular that i went to this guy's little cottage in santa monica and he slid a piece of paper across the table and he's like, "you can take any of these titles." i'm like, "i'm sorry?" they were like "2 od 4 u."
numbers. and it wasn't. >> seth: no. that didn't. >> and he's like, i get you're young. you want to just do like something fun. it's like just have fun and then he's like walking out the door into the other room and he goes to record his own idea. >> seth: oh my goodness. [ light laughter ] it's called "just have fun." that was one of my favorite songs. [ light laughter ] >> doesn't sound like a fun -- >> seth: it's a really good song. >> that was really good. >> seth: that was my summer jam one year. [ light laughter ] obviously now you perform in nicer venues but you'll still have situations with technical difficulties. and you talk about -- is this true -- that when, when stuff has gone haywire, one of the ways you'll keep the audience engaged is you'll just start singing the little mermaid. >> your giving away my secret. >> seth: this is your secret. this is -- when this happens, it means that something's gone wrong. >> because i'm going to tell you why, right now. people love this song. [ light laughter ] people love -- they love the little mermaid. they love ariel. they love her wishes for her life. and they want to go on the ride with you.
[ light laughter ] >> seth: so if a speaker t ts over and everybody's like, oh no. you can sing the little mermaid and everybody just comes back. >> i'm going to show you right now. >> seth: okay, great. >> audience. >> seth: oh my god. [ cheers and applause ] >> are you guys ready? do not make me look bad. this is like my series. [ light laughter ] look at this stuff isn't it neat [ light laughter ] wouldn't you think my collection's complete wouldn't you think i'm the girl a girl who has they love this part. everything yeah. [ light laughter ] and then you can just go on and on and on from there. >> seth: now, how often -- [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank god that worked. >> seth: i know. in all the times you've done it, have you ever heard a man's voice? [ light laughter ] >> no. >> seth: okay good. i didn't hear that many that time. >> well, the women are louder. >> seth: yeah. they are louder and more
>> and harder, stronge >> seth: they can remember lyrics better. you -- this is very exciting. talk about your show "waitress" which you have this -- you're going to do a song for us after this. >> yes. >> seth: so how did this come by? you wrote this musical, yes? >> i did. i joined this project about three years ago. i got approached by the director diane colins and had lunch in a restaurant in times square, and she told me about the movie which came out in 2007, which i hadn't seen at the time. and she's like, would you ever consider writing for a broadway musical? and i grew up on musical theater and had always imagined like, returning to the stage but i hadn't really considered it in this role. so i watched the movie and sort of fell in love with its message. it's very feminist but in an odd way. it's just a really beautiful story. and i said yes again, kind of like "i'm writing a musical." [ laughter ] and then cut to three years later where i'm like "i'm
[ light laughter ] >> seth: "i'm writing a book" is very different. >> yeah. >> seth: like when you said "i'm writing a book" earlier like, "i'm writing a book." but "i'm writing a musical" is a whole -- >> you have to be smart. yeah, yeah. >> seth: i'm very excited you're going to stick around and do a song from it. >> yes. >> seth: thank you so much. i can't wait. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with music from sara bareilles. grandma is so happy to be here for your very first christmas. i hear you're quite the expert at waking people up in the morning. let me show you how grandma does it. your daddy made this when he was a little boy. this is your dad at my house, where he had his first christmas. thanks for making the coffee. well look who's up. i'm really glad you're here mom. me too.
way up in the north pole, a penguin loaded a toy car onto a racetrack. zoom! it took off... ...going faster and faster, and twisting and turning, until finally, it stopped... ...right in our driveway. but dad, penguins live in the south pole. the lexus december to remember sales event is going on now, with some of the most magical deals of the year. this is the pursuit of perfection. (exec 1) well, directv beat us in customer satisfaction again for the 15th year in a row. but we have a plan. (exec 2) when our customers are on hold, let's up their satisfaction with some new hold music.
he djs on the weekends. (exec 3) sorry, who is it? (exec 2) it's glenn, from the mailroom. he dj'ed bill's wedding. (exec 3) he what? (exec 2) he goes by dj glenn, he works way downstairs. (exec 3) what'd he say? (exec 2) glenn, from the mailroom! (vo) get rid of cable. and upgrade to directv. call 1-800-directv. phil! oh no... (under his breath) hey man! hey peter. (unenthusiastic) oh... ha ha ha! joanne? is that you? it's me... you don't look a day over 70. am i right? jingle jingle. if you're peter pan, you stay young forever. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. you make me feel so young... it's what you do. you make me feel so spring has sprung. we're all familiar with this, axe daily fragrances. but what you wouldn't have seen is this, axe dry spray antiperspirant. why are you touching your armpit? i was just checking to see if it's dry. don't, that's weird.
it's not simple to say that most days i don't recognize me that these shoes and this apron that place and it's patrons have taken more than i gave them it's not easy to know i'm not anything that i used to be although it's true i was never attention's sweet center i still remember that girl she's imperfect but she tries she is good
she is hard on herself she is broken and won't ask for help she is messy but she's kind she is lonely most of the time she is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie she is gone but she used to be mine it's not what i asked for sometimes life just slips in through a back door and carves out a person and makes you believe it's all true
and you're not what i asked for if i'm honest i know i would give it all back for a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two for the girl that i knew who'll be reckless just enough who'll get hurt but who learns how to toughen up when she's bruised and gets used by a man who can't love and then she'll get stuck and be scared of the life that's inside her getting stronger each day 'til it finally reminds her to fight just a little