tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC June 20, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
hi. i'm mick david from portillo's in chicago. tonight we have casey affleck, allison tolman and comedian chris charpentier. our famous portillo's lemon cake. come on down and get a slice right after we start the show! "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, casey affleck. from "downward dog," allison tolman. and comedian chris charpentier. and now, for the time being, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. that's very nice.
i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for standing in line and braving the -- boy, it was hot today. today as you probably know, today's the beginning of summer. summer officially begins tonight. so if you're wondering why your kids stopped going to school, that's probably the reason. [ laughter ] it's summertime. i love summertime. guillermo, do you love summertime? >> guillermo: yes, jimmy, i love drp. >> jimmy: you know, i don't get -- you do? >> guillermo: i love to get in the pool. >> jimmy: even though you cannot swim you love to get in the pool. >> guillermo: yeah. only up to here. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: my favorite summer, if i had to pick one summer, i think my favorite was probably the -- '69. bought my first real six string. maybe that was a song. it was 119 degrees in phoenix, arizona today. it was too hot to fly. they couldn't
don't know, i guess the wheels were melt on the tarmac. people were so desperate for air-conditioning dozens of them actually went to go see that "baywatch" movie. that's how -- [ laughter ] it was 117 in las vegas where we grew up. when it hits 117 in vegas, that's when the strippers really have it figured out. they're like, look at you idiots in clothes, we're wearing nothing. we're at work. [ laughter ] here's a fun little item for those of you who are either currently incarcerated or plan to be inkars railted in the future. the state of california has what they call pay to stay jails where an inmate can pay for a more comfortable cell. did you know this? i didn't know about this. for $100 a night an inmate can get a semi-private room, single showers and they can make phone calls whenever they want. like a hotel. just don't askar where the mint on your pillow has been. [ laughter ] you can get unlimited access to movies, cable tv, and a cellmate who promises to stop at second base.
which -- isn't that crazy, though? [ cheers and applause ] i think the moral to this story is if you're planning on robbing a bank make sure you steal a lot so you can afford hulu in prison. [ laughter ] speaking of prisoners, white house press secretary sean spicer might soon be moving to another job in the administration. he's reportedly in the process of interviewing his own replacements. they're looking for someone who's cool under pressure, well briefed on policy and can keep a straight face when saying "yes, the gentleman from infowars." [ laughter ] i love this spin, though. basically what's happening is trump is firing sean spicer but he doesn't want to fire him because it would be admitting he hired another doofus. [ laughter ] it's the white house equivalent of telling the kids you sent fluffy to live on a farm upstate to run around. spicer spoke to reporters today, and he showed once again just why he will be so difficult to replace. >> very plainly a yes or no
answer. does president trump believe that the russian government interfered in the 2016 election? ? i think -- i have not sat down and talked to him about that specific thing. >> there's 16 intelligence agency that's say that they did. the former fbi director said that without a doubt the russians -- >> i understand. i've seen the reports. >> does the president share those views? >> i have not sat down and asked him about his specific reaction to them. so i'd be glad to touch base and get back to you. >> jimmy: by touch base and get back to you he means i am getting on a flight to maui and never coming back. never. [ cheers and applause ] by the way, here's a young man who could use a press secretary. this is from a high school graduation in exeter, pennsylvania where the senior class president gave a speech that did not go over well with the fact'll zblip at our school the title of class president could more accurately be class party planner and student council's major obligation is to paint signs every week. despite some of the outstanding people in our school the lack of a real student government combined with the authoritative
administrators and board members have prevents students from truly developing as leaders. hopefully, this will change. hopefully, for the sake of future students -- [ microphone off ] more people in this school -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the school pulled a kanye on the kid. [ laughter ] i don't like that. whoever cut that mike off should not be in charge of an education of any kind. i want to find out exactly what happened. we tracked the kid down on social media. and joining us now, please say hello to peter butera. hello, peter. how are you? [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm good. how are you? >> jimmy: not only were you the class president, you were the valedictorian too? >> that is correct.
point average? >> our school doesn't do the 1 through 4. we did 1 through 100 -- >> jimmy: you're dodging the question. what was your grained point average! never mind. why were they so mad at you for, that peter? >> i went off script and it wasn't the speech i handed in because i knew they didn't let me say what i wanted to say. >> jimmy: all you did was give the school basically a two-star yelp review. you dpnt do anything bad. did you get yelled at afterwards? >> no. but you could tell they weren't too happy. >> jimmy: were your parents proud or did they ground you forever? >> they were proud. >> jimmy: since your school didn't let you finish your speech at the graduation ceremony i thought it would be nice to let you finish on television. so go ahead and say whatever it was you were planning to say. [ applause ] i will not cut you off. and then it can get to them. go ahead. >> thank you very much. hopefully, for the sake of future students, more people of power within our school who do not do so already will begin to prioriti
well as the empowering of students because at the end of the day it is not what we have done as wyoming-area students or athletes that will define our lives but what we will go on as wyoming-area alumni. and i hope that every one of my classmates here today as well as myself will go on to do great things in this world and achieve true happiness and success. thank you all for coming out to this great celebration today 37 >> jimmy: that's a good speech. [ cheers and applause ] have you learned your lesson that you should always carry a bullhorn in your pants? >> i have. >> jimmy: thanks, peter. where are you going to college? are you going to college? >> i'm going to villanova university in the fall. [ applause ] >> jimmy: well, good. keep being a pain in the ass. be a pain in the ass there too. >> i will. >> jimmy: i think we should encourage this sort of thing. thank you. that's peter butera. [ cheers and applause ] he's a good american.
let me tell you something. at my school a kid rode through graduation on a motorcycle nation, he didn't get in that much trouble. [ laughter ] hey, you know that doll named barbie, barbie the doll? barbie is getting some new kens to play with. mattel today unveiled a new line of what they call diverse ken dolls. these are the dolls. it's like the cast of "the bachelorette" only with more personality. [ laughter ] the weird thing is even though it was done in the name of diversity they're all named ken. they don't even have their own names. [ laughter ] it's true. this one is my favorite i think. this looks like -- this is the ken doll who uses tinder to cheat on barbie. [ laughter ] they've got a ken with a man bun. [ laughter ] which your little brother's definitely going to tear the head off of. every one of these ken dolls looks like a guy you'd jump in a fire to avoid having a conversation with. i don't know what's going on with this one but i'm fairly certain this is rachel maddow. right? [ cheers and applause ]
we've got a lot of ken dolls. amazon, eem sure you heard about this. amazon announced on friday a deal that shocked the business world. amazon is planning to buy whole foods, the grocery stores, for $13.7 billion. or to put it in whole foods terms, for five cans of macadamia nuts. [ laughter ] the ceo of whole foods said this idea of joining forces with amazon came to him in a dream, which means this guy has some very white dreams. [ laughter ] but while many business leaders are praising this move, some customers are concerned that amazon will change the whole foods experience, and it will, but that isn't necessarily a negative. in fact, we put together a quick demonstration to show you exa exactly how it will work once these two companies join forces. here we are. imagine i am now in the grocery store. >> welcome to amazon whole foods. would you like to try our pita chips and hummus? >> jimmy: oh, yes, sure, thank you very much. >> did you like that just the one time or would you like t
>> jimmy: just the one time. >> hi, james. how did you enjoy your hummus? >> jimmy: jimmy. it was fine. it was good. >> how fine was it on a scale of 1 to 5 stars? >> jimmy: 4 i would say. >> you know people who bought that hummus also enjoyed our tzatziki dip and our triple a batteries. would you like to add that to your cart? >> jimmy: i'm not sure -- >> here's what other customers had to say about the hummus. >> it's too salty. i like the old hummus. it was creamier, and you didn't have to mix the oil in with a spoon. >> jimmy: okay. you know, i don't really need all this extra information. i just wanted -- >> would you like to sign up for whole foods prime? it's $600. along with your hummus you'll get a free streaming service from the dupe las brothers. >> jimmy: i'd like just to take the hummus although i don't see
>> here comes a hummus drone. >> jimmy: wow. [ applause ] this is a terrible idea. thank you very much. >> that's actually our slogan. amazon whole foods. "a terrible idea." >> jimmy: oh. [ cheers and applause ] you can take your things. why does it have to be in the thing that wheel it off? [ laughter ] by the way, i could use a hummus drone. that could be the key to peace in the middle east. a hummus drone. [ laughter ] i'm not sure if they have these at whole foods. have you seen the unusually shaped deep sea creature that's been online? this is an animal that's been -- it was discovered by a team of horny australian scientists. [ laughter ] they call it the peanut worm. for real. this is what we know about the peanut worm. it lives 4,000 meters under the sea, and it's jewish. [ laughter ] it's a big
penis-shaped creature discovered by scientists since nba commissioner adam silver. [ laughter ] of course this interests me because i have the maturity level of a 12-year-old. so we decided to do a study. we went out on the street today with a picture of the peanut worm and asked people a simple yes. we asked them what is this? and this is how they responded to that. >> what is this? >> oh, my. [ laughter ] >> what is this? >> oh, boy. that is a -- i have no idea. but i know what i think it is. it looks like genitalia. >> what is this? >> it's a -- it's a penis. [ laughter ] >> what is this? >> this is a crazy -- wow. a penis. >> a
>> mushroom? >> zucchini? or something that i can't talk about in public. >> what is this? >> that's a [ bleep ]. whoa. >> that looks like a [ bleep ]. >> it could be something -- >> penis. it's a penis. >> it's a big penis. >> have you ever seen anything like that before? have you ever been this close to one? >> no. i'm a little uncomfortable. >> it's a penis. [ laughter ] >> oh. my gosh. it looks like a penis for me. >> a filipnenis? >> yeah. but the philippines is not that big. >> a penis. >> a jaelfish. >> the penis of a jellyfish. >> that looks like some sort of penis animal. >> i saw that.
it's an ocean creature that i don't know the name of. >> what would you call it? >> i'd call it a dilled a dild urchin. >> what is this? >> i don't want to see. >> what's it called? >> what you say? penis. >> i couldn't quite hear you. >> [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm glad we settled that. we have a great show for you tonight. allison tolman is with us. comedian chris charpentier is here. lindsay ell is sitting in with the cletones, and we'll be right back with casey affleck. so stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ if you've got the time
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi there. welcome back. that's lindsay ell sitting in with the cletones. [ cheers and applause ] thanks, lindsay. lindsay has an album coming out in august. it's called "the project." and you can see lindsay on tour now with brad paisley. lindsay, what is it like to tour with brad paisley? and true that he has a separate bus that's just for his hat? >> of course. of course, jimmy. and it's even painted like a corvette. >> jimmy: it is. is his bus really painted look a
>> jimmy: brad has a problem. he really does. [ laughter ] tomorrow night on our show chadwick bozeman will be here. tatyana maslany will join us. and we'll have music from kyle with little yanni. on thursday anthony hopkins, chris hardwick and music from queen and adam lambert. so please join us for all this. [ applause ] tonight chris charpen ter. since we last saw our first guest he won the oscar for best actor and he got a haircut which he really needed. his very unusual new project sounds like a horror movie but it isn't. "a ghost story" opens in select cities on july 7th. please welcome casey affleck. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ how are you doing? i haven't seen you since the oscars. and you look -- you look better
>> you think so? you mentioned it earlier. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it takes me a year to grow a single whisker. so once i had it i was holding on to it. i kept it because i was shooting something. you kept yours. >> jimmy: i can grow mine overnight. i actually shaved this morning and it's back. how are you doing? >> everything's great. >> jimmy: has it changed your life being the oscar winner for best actor? >> reporte >> no, not really. nothing changes. it was a terrifying experience. >> jimmy: it seemed like you had nothing planned when you got up there. >> yeah. no. >> jimmy: is it true? >> that's true. i mean, you know, to be honest, i can't remember what i said. i can't -- and i'm glad because i have a feeling that if i did remember or i watched it again i'd be very embarrassed. >> jimmy: oh, you've not watched it. >> i haven't watched it. >> jimmy: i can understand that. i do remember basically what happened. so i'll fill you in. [ laughter ] you did thank your brother ben, which was good because you totally forgot him at the golden
sew got thanked. >> jimmy: you gave him a very -- you were very nice to him. you did neglect to thank your kids your sons. >> thank you. >> jimmy: so that was bad. [ laughter ] or was that bad? >> that was terrible. i immediately realized i hadn't done that. that was a shame. i feel a little like peter. i wanted to make my speech again. >> jimmy: the kid -- >> yeah, the high school kid. that was a brilliant speech, by the way. >> jimmy: go ahead, make your speech if you want to. [ cheers and applause ] come on, peter. >> the thing is -- i'm going to kill you. [ laughter ] the thing i wanted to say really was that i'm not going to make the speech but what i wish i had said was to my kids because they are kind of -- you know, it's the reason you do anything. and they're the most important thing in your life. i also -- afterward i thought about how it was -- how they perceived, it dad up there on tv at this fancy show
>> jimmy: yeah. >> which is a good question kind of. i just want -- i probably did want to tell them that like there were many years in there, thousands of auditions i didn't get, many parts i did get and they sucked. so it hasn't always been trophies, you know. and there will be many more decades of struggling and doing bad movies and not getting parts again. >> jimmy: is that the plan? [ laughter ] >> yes. that's the plan. >> jimmy: and the kids -- >> i wanted to lecture my kids. that's what i really wish i had done with my time-s get up and lecture my kids. >> jimmy: it's probably better. they probably got off easy. did you call them afterwards? >> i called them immediately. i went into the wings i called them up and i said i won this thing, the oscars, but i didn't mention you even though you are the most important thing in my life and i love you more than anything and i would trade a thousand oscars for you guys. and i still felt bad. so i went home r
which i thought was like -- they would like. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and a few weeks later, this is true. i went into one of their rooms and i saw it actually in the corner with like a wet towel over it and like clothes and stuff. and i was like, you know what, i'm going to hang on to it, guys. [ laughter ] still yours. i'm going to hang on to it. [ applause ] >> jimmy: were the boys watching at the time? >> they were watching i'm sure. >> jimmy: yes. >> waiting for their -- >> jimmy: waiting for dad to thank them. >> like thanks, boys. >> jimmy: that's good incentive for your next oscar campaign. you've got to thank the kids this time. >> you know, you did a great job. i'm sure you heard this before. not just hosting it but i mean -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks, guys. >> not that great. >> jimmy: that's what your kids told me. they called me and said you were the best one on the show. [ laughter ] >> that's funny because they don't watch the program.
>> jimmy: and yet they still called. >> i'd like to finish my story. they told me that -- no, they didn't tell me. you were sitting right behind me at the end of the show when it kind of went sideways a little bit. you were the very first person -- because you were sitting behind me. i heard you say this isn't good. and i thought why is jimmy -- what's he talking about? before i realized, before anyone realized that something weird it happened. and you jumped right up. most people i think would probably try to stay away from a situation like that. you leapt right into the spotlight to try to help figure things out. >> jimmy: i'm like a first responder. you're saying i'm a hero. is that what you're saying? [ cheers and applause ] wow, thank you. i didn't realize what a hero i am. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i like to be in the middle of an uncomfortable situation. [ laughter ] by the way, i found out something about you that -- >> uh-oh. >> jimmy: i could ask you a million questions about. you play on an adult league baseball team like fast pitch baseball. >> yeah. >> jimmy: how long have you been doing that? >> about ten years. >> jimmy: is it like an actors legal or -- >> no. it's not. not an actors league.
little bit. >> jimmy: no. >> there are a couple actors on the team. it's not actors league. >> jimmy: so you're just a regular league baseball league. not softball but baseball. >> no. like hardball. >> jimmy: what position do you play? >> i play third base. yeah, we play a team and we win sometimes, we lose sometimes. i actually ran into a couple guys today, i was at -- in the valley and i was at a deli and i went in there and i was waiting for my food. some came guy came "up" to me and said hey -- the name of my team is the love. >> jimmy: the love? >> yeah. the love. he go goes you play on the love. and i was ordering my lunch. i said yeah, i play on the love. he said we're on the brooklyns. which is kind of a worse name than ours. >> jimmy: yeah. >> kind of. kind of. he goes, yeah, we played you guys a few weeks go. my son's on the team, i wasn't there, but you gave us a beating. which we did. he says, my son comes on, he pitched. he goes, we lost that one, i got
affleck twice, so that's okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: people target you? >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's why you should be in not all actors league. you won't get singled out. just regular groups of guys? >> yeah. regular guys. >> jimmy: yeah. wow. i like that. >> i'm kind of a regular guy too. we can be regular guys. >> jimmy: what's your batting average? do you keep track of it? >> oh, easy .100. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. .100. that's remarkable. we're going to take a break. we come back, i want to talk about this movie because first of all, i thought it was great. secondly, it's a very, very weird movie. casey affleck is here with us. we'll be right back. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by coca-cola. shar a coke. sional golfer. when it comes to hitting perfect drives, nobody does it better. he's also into oil painting. looking good. but when it comes to mortgages,
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>> jimmy: that person in that sheet is casey affleck in "a ghost story." and let me just say, i know that clip looks ridiculous when we show it out of context. >> i wouldn't say that. >> jimmy: i think the audience was stifling laughter just to be polite to casey. yes? [ laughter ] >> you don't have to say yes just because it's jimmy. >> jimmy: but it is real -- i thought it was such an interesting movie and a really good movie too. >> yeah. i'm not in the sheet the whole time. i'm in the sheet a lot of the teem. and i'll tell you, if you're going to put one of your characters in a sheet most of the time you'd better have a very, very good interesting other actor in the movie. and rooney mara's in it. and she's amazing. she carries the movie really. >> jimmy: i won't give any of it away. but can you give -- how do you explain what people might see? or do you even bother to explain what -- >> i try not to explain. but i die at some point and then i
they show me as a ghost is by wearing the sheet. >> jimmy: whose idea was it to do the charlie brown style ghost as a ghost? >> i thought that was your idea. >> jimmy: it was not my idea. it seems silly but it really does work. >> it's a weird kind of striking image. i know it seems leek a halloween kcostume but it's kind of beautiful in a way. david lowry is the director and it's really -- >> jimmy: he did a great job with this. he really did. by the way, you brought a guest here tonight. i want to quickly give a little mention to. before we see this guest tonight, tell us who he is and why he's here. ? a couple days ago i was in a car accident. it's the first car accident i've ever been in in my life. >> jimmy: congrats. >> thank you. [ laughter ] and one of the officers on the scene -- i'm okay. i'm fine. thanks. and officer bivens showed up there and he was -- he responded. he was amazing. he took the situation. >> jimmy: now he's there
>> jimmy: there's officer bivens. [ cheers and applause ] why -- are you guys traveling everywhere together now? >> yeah. no. i thought it would be nice to have him along. he makes me feel comfortable now in scary situations. [ laughter ] he's there and i know everything is okay. >> jimmy: were you surprised that it was casey in the car? >> at first i knew it was somebody who was famous but i didn't -- [ laughter ] i didn't put my finger on it. i had to google him later. [ laughter ] i told him afterwards, this guy's really famous. [ applause ] >> we're not going anywhere else together now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, i hope you guys enjoyed your last public appearance together. [ laughter ] well there, you go. a lot of people will bring like their parents and stuff to the show. you brought your police officer. >> yes, sir. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: casey affleck, everybody. "a ghost story" opens july 7th. we'll be right back.
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[ slurping ] >> that's my girl, bro. >> does she have a sister? >> he's been talking to himself for 20 minutes. >> get a selfie of me and my girl kissing. [ laughter ] >> just give him some privacy. >> dicky: share an ice cold coca-cola this summer at mcdonald's for $1 with your bro, your bestie or your crew. >> jimmy: we'll be right back with allison tolman. [ cheers and applause ] (blowing whistle) ( ♪ ) ♪ i'm not playing with you ♪ ♪ i could bend a little bit, a little bit ♪ ♪ i could play a little bit, a bit for you ♪ ♪ i could see a little bit, a little bit ♪ ♪ i can see a little bit, a bit of you ♪ ♪ i've got a hold on you ♪ ♪ you got a hold... alex. that's ny name. alex? it's mine too. ♪ i got a new swimsuit with glitter and fringes ♪
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you'busted tail.rd. and impressed the boss. maybe, it's time to be your own. transform your career with strayer university's mba program today. let's get it, america. ♪ what i really want to know is ♪ ♪ are you gonna go my way >> jimmy: you know our next guest from her great performance on the first season of "fargo." her new show is called "downward dog." it airs tuesdays at 8:00 on abc. please welcome allison tolman. [ cheers and applause ]
allison, i'm a big fan of yours. i think you're terrific. i loved you on "fargo." >> thank you. >> jimmy: and now you've got this show, which in a way you are in the same boat as casty affleck because when you describe the idea for the show it sounds absolutely ridiculous. >> real dumb, yeah. >> jimmy: and i'll tell you, i'll be totally honest with you, i heard this announcement, abc was going to do this show, it was before you were mentioned in it. i thought, that sounds terrible. [ laughter ] a show with a dog that's thinking aloud. it sounds like a commercial or something like that. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and then i happened to be sitting in front of the tv over the weekend. they were rerunning the show. and i was like -- i yelled at my wife to come in. i was like, this show is hilarious. did you feel the same way when they -- >> was i skeptical? absolutely. yeah. i was -- yes. i was extremely nervous. i was actually on set for "the house," which i thought with amy poehler and will ferrell. i was sitting next to amy and she was like, how's it going, allison? an
agent about a show and the main character's a talking dog. and she was like, yikes. [ laughter ] she was very sympathetic. >> jimmy: and that reaction -- >> i was like, i knew it. amy poehler has confirmed -- >> jimmy: how did they convince you that this would not be -- >> well, the script was helpful. the script was immediately funny and really smart. and then there were shorts that existed before our show existed. so i got to go see the shorts and the tone is really important. in any talking dog show. [ laughter ] tone is really essential. >> jimmy: where did you find a talking dog? that's amazing. [ laughter ] >> i know. you'd think that would be the hard part, right? no, our dog, who sorry to say does not actually talk -- >> jimmy: well, you've ruined the show now for everyone. >> good night, everybody. no, his name is ned. and he plays martin, my
the show. yes, his character's name is different from his actual name. much like mine. he's an actor. but he was a rescue out of chicago, actually. he was a very recent like rescue dog. he's a mutt. they wanted a mutt and a rescue for -- [ applause ] thank you. right? >> jimmy: i should potent out allison did not actually rescue the dog. they just hired the dog is what happened. >> i've never liked you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i just want to keep everyone on a level reasonable surface because we are talking about a talking dog. did you have screen tests with different dogs? >> they actually -- they cast based on photos of the dogs, and i think they had three different dogs that they like scooped up out of shelters and then chose ned and then found, you know, homes forts other two. >> jimmy: did they really find homes? >> which they don't do for actors, by the way. if you're not hired -- like i
then they don't hire you they don't find you another job. >> jimmy: so in a way the dogs are being treated even better than people. >> they're for sure being treated better than people. absolutely. >> jimmy: does the dog have like a stunt dog that stands in for -- does ned -- >> well, not yet. not a stunt dog. because luckily it's just a dog that has to walk around and lay down. he doesn't have to jump off helicopters or anything. but he has a stand-in we use whenever we're lighting anything, like between scenes because he stays in an irked d air-conditioned car. [ laughter ] he really does. because if it gets too hot he pants and then we have to cut because he's like ah, ah, ah. we can't be like ned, we have to get the shot before lunch. [ laughter ] we have to keep him like cool all the time. >> jimmy: i didn't realize it was so complicated. >> it is complicated. anytime you're working with something that is not complicit in your storytelling and you
want to go home. we have a stuffed animal that is like his size that stands in whenever we're doing lighting and things like that. >> jimmy: does it look like ned? is it like -- >> he hates it. >> jimmy: oh, he does. >> yes. he's like the chillest dog. he's so chill. that this stuffed animal version of him just really angers him. [ laughter ] like we have to remove it from set before he -- >> jimmy: he'll attack it and everything? >> he'll singularly pursue it. he's ripped the ear off of it at one point in time. >> jimmy: does he threat like it's a threat to his paycheck or something? >> i don't know. i know. i'm not that way with my stand-in. >> jimmy: do you socialize with ned off camera? >> we -- you know, i wish i could more. but we did -- you know, we went to a white sox game together. in chicago. [ cheers ] thank you. hey, chicago. we went and did like
neff. he's a rescue, so it still is very like oh, hello all of the attention. it's like a lot. it's just a lot. so we were worried about the crowds and all the people. and it was dog days. is there were all these other dogs there. but turns out we should have been concerned about the mascot, which is just a giant stuffed animal. which is like his living nightmare. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> so we were like taking press photos on the field and then southpaw came out and was like, hey puppy or whatever. and he was like, i want to kill you! [ laughter ] rrrr. jr >> jimmy: was that the end of the game for ned? >> yeah. we've got to go. we're going to -- >> jimmy: it would be fun if you brought ned around to the various stadiums and had him attack their mascots. i think it would be really good publicity for the show. >> it would be great. he would be happy for sure. >> jimmy: well, again, i want to say i know the show sounds -- it's not a yoga show. >> there's zero yoga in it. 100% dog. >> jimmy: no yoga at
>> jimmy: our gex nest next guest headlining denver comedy works on august 2nd and 5th. and you can see him on television. right now please welcome chris charpentier. [ cheers and applause ] . >> hello. hello. thank you so much for having me. this is a real treat. i will make with the funny in just a second. but first i've got to ask you guys sxhg. do you find it annoying when someone gives themselves their own nickname? yeah? what about someone who refers to themselves in the third person? yeah? okay. well, daddy does both. [ laughter ] you're just going to have to deal with it. that's right. this happened to daddy on the way down this evening. [ laughter ] i stopped to get a pack of cigarettes and the guy behind the counter asked m
look, i understand i don't look 34 years old. which i am. but i think it's pretty clear i'm old enough to buy cigarettes. you know? i've been doing that for a long time. so i was like, whatever. and i gave the guy i.d. and he turned around to get the cigarettes. and while i was doing that i looked down on the counter. and there's one of those little signs, get ready we're goingty d. you. and on there was a picture of a little kid with a fake mustache. [ laughter ] can't get too mad. he's just doing his job, right? that's fine. i have a feeling, though, that he didn't i.d. me because of the mustache. i think he i.d.'d me because of my height. that's a little more realistic. i'm a little dude. i'm only 5'5". which is short. and i know that's short. because someone tells me every day. [ laughter ] just how short that that is. i've become use odd it. i'd admit if i saw some of the things i go through, if i could see them from anot
you know? sometimes i have to get on my tiptoes to use the urinal. that's funny. [ laughter ] that is funny. any job that i have where i was required to wear a uniform it just looked like i was going trick-or-treating year-round. [ laughter ] i get it. i get it. not always. definitely not always. but sometimes when i take a poop my feet will fall asleep because they've been dangling for too long. [ laughter ] chrpz chrp [ cheers and applause ] yeah. so i get it. i get it. i understand why people make fun of me. but it's not fair to make fun of me for being short because you don't know what i'm working with. okay? that's right. i'm serious now. my mom, 5'1". my dad, 5'2". yeah. so me getting to 5'5", i think i did pretty damn good for myself. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. a lot of hard work went into it. a lot of sleepless nights
and imagine too if i didn't do all the things they say stunt your growth. drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes. doing drugs. i did all that stuff a bunch. you know what i'm saying? imagine if i didn't do that stuff. i'd be a freak. [ laughter ] i'd be like 5'7". [ laughter ] almost normal. that's great. and it's not just my height. like technically by age i am a man but i've never felt that way. i never have. and i think the reason, the real reason why is because my main example of a man, my father, by the time that he was my age he owned a home, he had started his own business and he had three children. maybe if he wasn't so busy he could have taught me how to do any one of those things. that would have been nice. [ laughter ] all right. i think we've had enough fun talking about silly stuff. we can talk about something that matters, something important. my hair. [ laughter ] it's perfect,
let's talk about it. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. thank you. it's thick. it's luscious. i'm never going bald. i know it. for sure. i don't use a pillow anymore. i just -- [ laughter ] the best sleep of my life. truly. i talk about it all the time. on stage and off. because i know it's the best thing i have going for me. and i was doing a show a couple weeks ago in omaha, nebraska and a guy came up to me after the show and was like, your hair's not that nice. and i said, what? excuse me? would you like to run your fingers through it? he's gay now. so. [ laughter ] pra pretty good head of hair. thank you guys so much. i really appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. >> jimmy: thank you very much. very funny. chris charpentier, everybody. do you mind? i do feel a little gay now. i want to thank my guests and apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time
thanks for watching. good night! ♪ this is "nightline." >> tonight, tight race. republican karen handel wins in georgia. >> tonight's victory, it's for you. >> fending off a political newcomer in the most expensive house race in u.s. history. why some called this showdown a test of president trump's agenda. the controversial political ad that many say went way too far. and what this narrow victory means to a divided nation. plus, viral agents. a new breed of talent. calls for a new breed of management. >> everyone's trying to figure out who are 13 to 24-year-olds watching? and the answer is people we're talking about right now. >> an entertainment company for social media