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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  July 17, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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you by your friend whose read the "game of thrones" books. >> that's interesting because in the books -- [ laughter ] >> no matter what you think of this week's episode you can all agree he's the worse. [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, billy crystal, pizza with chef chris bianco, and comedian casey james salengo, and now, stay right where you are, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> thank you to the show. thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] today is an international holiday. i'm pretty sure you didn't know. today is world emoji day, thumbs up, thumbs up, champagne bottle, party ghost. right. today is the day we try to figure out what the hell happened on "game of thrones." did you watch the season premier? [ cheers and applause ] a record number of people more than 16 people watched i was one of them. never thought i would be so excited to see someone empty a bed pan. [ laughter ] i had to have my son explain a lot of it to me. it's like an adult version of summer school. who is the guy that proposed. that's the uncle.
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oh, who is the prince that met with the enemy to try to bring down the queen that threatened his father that was donald trump, jr. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i don't know if you heard the white house kicked off made in america week. dedicated to products made in the u.s.a. which is funny that almost none of the products the trump family sales are made in the u.s.a. donald trump's wife is not even made in the usa [ cheers and applause ] didn't stop the president to tell everyone else to start making stuff. president trump who doesn't drink who believes alcohol killed his brother had his own brand of vodka made in holland. to tie it together we slow down his speech for another edition of drunk donald trump. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> 66a lot of different states. some states need this. some states need that. but we're getting it together and it's gonna happen [ laughter ] right, mike? [ laughter ] right. [ cheers and applause ] looks like a show on qvc or something. the president was in paris over the weekend celebrating bastile day, he heard there was a place in france where naked ladies dance around fired up the jet. he met with french president with emmanuel macron who he had a famous hand shake with in may. this time around not only did they
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dominance their hand shakes went on and on and on for so long i had sex didn't last this language [ cheers and applause ] that by the way, is not the longest hand shake of the trip. this hand shake is a marathon. okay. so, they're walking. this is the moment you let go. but no, it's -- [ laughter ] at certain point it's not even a hand shake they're straight upholding hands. now his wife gets involved in the conversation. trump gives her a little kiss and then grabs her hand too. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and holds both of their hands for minajtwau is a french term that is why that went on 28 seconds got to be careful
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vladimir putin will get jealous. anyway. polls say president trump approval rating is lowest 19sin 1947. 36% still seems high to me. some say they don't care what he does. he would have to eat kentucky fried bald eagle and wipe his face on a confederate flag to go below 36%. trump tweeted about it. even though 48% was not bad was just about the most inaccurate poll. that's good stuff. that poll is totally inaccurate and 40% isn't bad. but he didn't get 40%. he got 36%. can't round up. try ll
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this was from wimbledon over the weekend. this is something i've not seen at a professional sporting event. there's a guy heckling former number one player in the world. so kim pulls guy out of the stands and this happens. >> kim was asking where she should serve wide or down the middle and this young man suggested body serve. i think she might be getting it, this is not going to go for the knees. that's a man in a skirt trying to return kim's serve [ laughter ] it's 2017 people. >> cut him off when he tried to shower i like that. [ applause ] i like the fat g
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call me skrcrazy. tonight on the bachelorette rachael will get to meet the parents the she will share cover with. where else can you look at a real mom and say yes i give you my blessing to marry my son even though you're dating three other men. none other more colorful parent in the history of the phone than dean's father. dean's dad wore his best purple turbine for this event. >> what's up squad. >> hi. >> we're waiting for king bean to show up. >> where's the table at? why are we on the floor? >> my father was once a traditional man and since converted to be a seikh and i'm tryi
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>> that's an embarrassed young man. they had a fight. the whole thing. i like the things with the show. i guess because of the success they're having on hbo with the bachelorette produders are trying new things. producers are trying new things and i have to give them two big thumb's up. >> i know i have to do things in the best interest of myself to get what i want in the biz. >> i haven't figured out when those walls will come down. >> if he's happy i'm happy. if not i'm not. >> i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry that i have to do this. [ cheers and applause ] and now we are down to the final three including peter who i happen to pi
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next week they go to the fantasy suites where their performance will be voted upon. all very american. do you watch this show. >> no i don't think so. >> he did something fun over the weekend guillermo went to a disney event. talked to a lot of stars. >> that's right jimmy. >> first i want to give you sample of luke skywalker and mark hamel. >> can you give me a spoil from the "star wars" movimovie? >> i can. darth vader is my father. it's a shock but it's the truth. >> oh, [ bleep ] i didn't know. [ cheers and applause ] >> we'll have much more when we come back. be right back.
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trace amounts of cheetos dust. whaaaaat? gloria? kids? [meow] when did we get a cat? dangerously cheesy. except for every ladies' night. vegetarian... only glad has forceflex to prevent rips, leaks, and punctures. so whatever you throw in the bag... stays in the bag. be happy, it's glad. it's not easy to brew a beer this easy to drink. bud light is tasted by brewmasters every step of the process. it's a tough job, but for you and your friends,
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. billy crystal and chris bianco and james salengo are on the way. first this weekend, disney had their bi-annual d23 expo an event they hold in anaheim, the brightest stars in the disney universe gather to delight the fans. and guillermo was there to entertain them. here he is back-to-back at d23. >> i have a very important question. >> yes, sir. >> if you were a disney
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which would you be? >> i want to wear a dress, i want to wear a wig, i want to wear lipstick. i want to be belle. >> i'd like to be aerial i think i would be a pretty good looking mermaid. >> so you think a fish is sexy. >> i want go that far. >> it's okay if you have a fish thing. can you team me ch me to do the force. >> everyone has potential to become a jedi master. >> so do i do "joga" or what do i do. >> joga is good. >> i'm going to be blind fold to interview the next star. sir, are you white? chris evans? >> nope.
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>> yeah. >> which is the worse actor you ever acted with. >> you remember when you and i did that thing. and i had to slap you with the fish. >> no i don't like fish. >> fish him up. >> fish, fish, fish! >> you were pretty bad. >> wait a minute, me? okay. i have a joke for you. >> oh, good. knock, knock. >> whose there. >> i. >> i who? >> i'm you're father. do you understand the joke. [ laughter ] >> uh, kinda. >> do you die in the movie? >> uh, i don't know. i -- i -- i don't know. i hope not. >> okay. if you blink you die in the movie. >> ha. >> i'm watching very close. >> okay.
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>> oh! >> you died. exclusive-o! [ laughter ] >> you want to play with me. >> i'd love to man. >> okay. we're going to pretend this is one of your movies. >> who designed the crotch of your action. >> my wife. [ laughter ] >> so we got a scene from the movie. >> okay. >> all right. you are so beautiful. >> thank you so much. >> i've been waiting for this moment. >> no, no, mary pop ins doesn't make out with people. >> no? >> no that's not what she does. >> but she does in this movie. >> no she doesn't. >> in the mexican movie she does. [ laughter ] >> you go first. because you're in the movie. >> why have you come to my island? >> oh, to have lunch with you. >> did you book an advance. >> yes,
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months ago. >> excellent. >> hey guillermo how are you. >> i'm doing great mr. cookoo. >> no that's not my name my name is dr. steven stranges. >> okay mr. doctor. >> just doctor. >> all right doctor, mr. doctor. >> whatever. >> this is a great head rub. >> this is a great massage. i can't believe i'm close to spiderman. >> i can't believe i'm rubbing heads with guillermo. >> i need someone to tell jokes for a few days. >> oh, i can tell you a joke if you want to. >> tell me a joke. >> four mexicans in the car whose driving? one of the mexicans? >> no the police. >> do you want back-to-back
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guess i'm here ffrmtz right. sure. >> plus you look a little hungry. all right. and you take a bite. this is back-to-back snack. >> this is worst than i thought it would be. >> in america we call it a corn dog. >> oh, that's very nice. >> is it good? >> yeah it's nice. >> you got some. >> i got some, yeah. >> you want a little bit more. >> no i'm good. >> try. >> no, no, no. >> it's good for free. >> yeah, right. >> and this is an exit survey. >> got it. >> what to start with good questions. >> five. >> good job. >> how was my good questions? >> two. >> what? why only two? >> because they're already entirely understood. >>
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>> i'm going to give you a three it was pretty average. wasn't too projected. was fine. >> what about my smell? >> you smell delicious. like happiness and pico degallo. >> four. >> i say 15. >> wow. good. are you hearing me? can i give you a kiss? back-to-back kiss. [ laughter ] my god this is so impossible, huh. what about my sexiness. >> well i could only see you from behind but i like what i saw i give you a five on that one too. >> oh, wow thank you very much. >> thank you, you cutie patootie. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, thank you
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guillermo. tonight on the show, comedian casey james salengo, chef chris bianco is here to teach you how to make pizza at home, and we'll be right back with billy crystal. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by coca-cola. share a coke. [intern] i have some terrible news. you have...bug eyes! they're destroying the whole town!
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back we're going to have some fun tonight. he's the most celebrated pizza maker in the country. a great chef, and now, an author too. this is his first book, called "bianco pizza, pasta, and other food i like. chris bianco is here. [ cheers and applause ] he will show you how to make a pizza at home in your oven, and your life will never be then same. you will become very very fat. as a result of watching the show tonight. then, he's got his own special on comedy central this fall, comedian casey james salengo. is here. [ cheers and applause ] and tomorrow night caitlyn jenner will be with us. finn wittrock will join us, and we'll have music from brett young. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest is an emmy and tony award-winning performer, the gold standard for oscar
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one of the funniest people ever, please say hello to billy crystal. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> we broke the record. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's good to see you. by the way, i'm glad to see you feeling well. because you were supposed to come here last month. >> the weirdest injury ever. >> jimmy:
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>> totally true. >> jimmy: explain this. >> okay. so it's the night before the show. so it's around 9:30 which is already now past my bed time. >> jimmy: okay. >> i'm in that position that a lot of you younger people find your parents in, around 8:30. i'm in a position only like a jelly fish could be in in that chair and i'm like that. it looks like a mob hit. and out of the blue i sneeze. but a violent sneeze. if it was a cartoon my arms are flying off my body, people are now naked because it blew their clothes off. so i fall is asleep and two hours later can't breathe. it's terrible. painful. it's that thing.
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i couldn't catch my breath. i sound like a kid caught in a lie, a six-year-old. i really didn't take and that is how the hawaiian language was created. so what i did was torre rib muscle. >> from sneezing? >> from sneezing. and i literally could not breathe. it's not an injury you want to brag about. >> no, yeah, yeah. >> i didn't rescue a woman out of a burning car. >> not even close. >> i sneezed. >> did you have a cold? >> i have really bad allegies but this s. one came from out of the blue. dangerous. it's true.
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the great pitcher sammy sosa [ cheers and applause ] he sneezed so violently he missed two and half months of the season. >> i remember that but i thought it was a lie. >> no take a look. this is sammy before the sneeze. >> jimmy: there he is okay. >> right this is sammy after the sneeze. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] that. that is a bad sneeze. i don't know what to say about this. >> jimmy: i don't know either. >> this was on the internet yesterday. >> jimmy: you found this? >> did he go to the party as a penis? i don't know [ laughter ] what is that? >> jimmy: i have no idea. i don't know is he dancing professionally now? >> i don't know and under what name. >> jimmy: i'm going to find out and get you the answer, that's the sort of thing i do. well i hope you're okay
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hope it doesn't happen again. >> no it does. it will happen again. it actually just happened before we just went on. >> jimmy: you got the pain? >> see we have these beards. do you cover your beard. >> jimmy: no i don't. it's white how could i color it. >> just wait. so they put, i had these two black areas so i looked like a man kin like a puppeteers mouth, hi how are you, one of those guys. so they took a silver magic marker and colored the two areas of black. >> jimmy: who did this to you? >> the make up people. >> jimmy: okay. >> and the smell of the magic marker, first of all i smelled like a science project. i just finished sneezing. oh, it happens all the time since i was a kid. >> jimmy: you got a lot of weird stuff going on you really do. >> yeah i'm allergic to
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different kinds of chocolate. >> jimmy: actual chocolate, really? that's something you can be allergic to. >> yeah and one doctor said it was a chemical reaction. not a allergy. my neck would get red, i once sneezed 58 times before my nose started bleeding. >> jimmy: all wayi want to do i see you eat chocolate now. >> so my freshman year in college, and my roommate, i'm 17, my roommate is 27. >> jimmy: why? you weren't in college. you were abducted is what [ laughter ] >> so i felt like i was shagging with my uncle. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and we were talking and i said i
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kinds of chocolate. i can sneeze more than 50 times. he goes really let's make money. so he puts up signs, come see him sneeze, $5 a head, bet he could sneeze more than 50 times. so we're in the rec room and all of these guys, mostly athletes come in, $5 in a hat, and i'm just sitting there, i ate two big bars, of dark chocolate. i'm just sitting there, i know what's going to happen, about eight minutes later this guy from ohio goes, hey his ears is getting red. [ laughter ] and then it started. and when i sneezed it's an organize orgasmic, wild, it's that. they all go one. i get up to 20. my roommates going who has $5
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more. who thinks he can't get to 30. i'm flying out of the chair. so finally we get to 63 sneezes. >> jimmy: oh, my go god that's torture. >> yeah and a little bit of blood happened i made $250. and then two days later, i'm on campus, i'm a lonely kid from long island, this zbt guy comes over, from a pledging fraternity, he goes, you billy? i said yeah. we're having a smoker on friday night. would you come over and sneeze [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you know, people complain about the internet now, before youtube we'd have to watch a guy sneeze all night. >> i know. it's
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>> jimmy: when we come back i have a clip from your past i'd like to share with you, well, you'll see. billy crystal is here with us, we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ when i look in the mirror everyday. when i look in the mirror everyday. everyday, i think how fortunate day, .i think is toe that we find a cure? i think how much i can do to help change people's lives. i may not benefit from those breakthroughs, but i'm sure going to... i'm bringing forward a treatment for alzheimer's disease, yes, in my lifetime, i will make sure.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi we're back here with billy crystal. chris bianco is on the way. so billy before this horrible sneezing incident happened. >> yes. >> jimmy: we tracked down a videotape from a show called "battle of the network stars" how many times were you on that show. >> four times and i hosted it with howard cosell. >> jimmy: that's awesome did you host with him. >> i hosted with him and did sketch the as him. >> jimmy: did he like it. >> he loved it. here's a guy at the top of his game, the greatest sportscaster ever, we still miss his voice, we gave us things like frank, you can't see. can't see. they're stopping the fight here
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and now he's reduced to saying, here's adrian barbo and a suck u lent lower lip. >> jimmy: could be worse. >> yeah could be worse. so i did a bunch of them. i was on an abc show called "soap" [ cheers and applause ] and it was 1977, had the first openly gay character on network television. >> jimmy: right. >> so 40 years ago abc had be doing everything he could, it was called the "billy's not really gay tour" so i hosted a show with the dallas cowboy cheerleader. >> jimmy: is this part of that tour? is it still going on [ laughter [ laughter ] >> no i'm done. >> jimmy: oh, all right. >> so. >> jimmy: so we have a click of an obstacle course,
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against david letterman. [ cheers and applause ] >> let me set this up. the year before on the obstacle course there's a section you have to crawl under all these wires, like a marine thing, like 20 yards of it, the year before i caught my lip on this thing and it bothered me for a year like damn! >> jimmy: you wanted to win. >> yes so this is a year after. this is against letterman. so we have this. >> he's a good and leet, this will be his opponent letterman and thing about billy crystal it's all rhythm. [ cheers and applause ] he's up this time. he's going good. handling it. [ cheers and applause ]
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on the monkey bars -- now he handled that very well. billy crystal! [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> hey letterman if you're watching this, shave the beard and let's do it again. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: billy crystal! we'll be right back with chris bianco. ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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which one of you the cheetos snacks? okay, i've given you guys a chance to confess. this little baby can detect trace amounts of cheetos dust. whaaaaat? gloria? kids? [meow] when did we get a cat? dangerously cheesy.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're back. billy crystal is here. many people, myself included believe that our next guest makes the greatest pizza in the united states, and now he wants you to do it too. his first-ever book is called "bianco: pizza, pasta and other food i like."
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> what's happening. bringing you nothing but the best. >> jimmy: i was just telling bill kri i learned a lot about cooking from chris. i know this sounds ridiculous but if you have pizza taste the tomatoes. 340e69 of t most of the times you just buy the can and don't think of the source. >> you got to think of the source. no fake news. real news. >> from france right. >> east france, make a left at the light. >> jimmy: do you recognize this right here? >> no. >> jimmy: that's wheat. >> that's it, man. >> jimmy: this is the stuff everyone's so scared of. it's like a handful of deadly gluten be and the way they make
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flour you put some wheat in a mill and it gets ground up and then you can open this thing up and look at that. that's flour. [ applause ] and that's how you make the flour at your house. isn't that amazing everyone? [ cheers and applause ] >> so what we're going to do, what we decide to do -- >> jimmy: first tell me don't do the flour thing nobody cares. >> that's from jimmy's house by the way. we'll have the wheat field next show. >> jimmy: definitely all right. >> so we're going to make a pizza. all of the stories are in the book. here i want to show you we're going to make the tomato organic delicious, fantastic. >> jimmy: would you explain organic to the people. >>
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no, but, just pour it in. it's very technical. that's why i had to make a book. this is what you got to do. just grab them. >> jimmy: oh, really. >> yeah, it's fantastic. your skin will be like a baby after that. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. now get a swish. going to put some olive oil. we're going to make mozzarella. going to squish until you don't see any more big pieces. >> jimmy: am i doing it right? >> you're doing it right. yeah you're doing it pretty good. >> jimmy: i'm doing it right-ish. sorry i made a mess. >> you know what though put it back here one second. >> jimmy: okay. all right. >> that's nice. okay now jimmy when you grab it just grab and squeeze it. >> jimmy: is
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grabbing and squeezing really? >> it is, it is. now while we're doing that, i'll show you whatever, all of the measurements are in the book. basically two cups of water. five cups -- >> jimmy: nobody cares. >> nobody cares, but if you did, you know. boom. normally let it sit for 20 minutes. >> jimmy: let's do it. let it sit for 20 minutes, nightline. >> going to check the oven. >> jimmy: this is something you do in your home oven with pizza steel. >> that's the whole thing. if you don't live in napa and you have a mason from tuscany you're screwed but look at that oven it's beautiful. >> jimmy: it is like it's
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out of someone's apartment. >> my god it's beautiful. now look at this. just get out of the house. get out of the house! okay. so this is freshly milled. that's whole-grain flour. this is up from washington. >> jimmy: what the street value of that? [ laughter ] >> the street value, i'll tell you right now, this thing -- >> jimmy: tell you right now. [ laughter ] >> no it's not -- it's okay, here we go. >> jimmy: i heard things. [ laughter ] start with a wooden spoon. >> yeah i'm on tv not trying to get messy here. >> jimmy: i'm going to try to eat this whole bowl of cheese before you're done. guillermo you want to have a little bit. tell me how you like that. i didn't wash my hands.
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in my book i write nice around everything but, what we do, i got move some things around. >> jimmy: okay. all right. >> so, i'd add the salt, we normally measure well you will see, it's in the book. we mix it together. turn it out. boom boom boom. look at the mess. >> jimmy: i'm sorry i made a mess. >> like a cow with a baby. [ laughter ] hold on we got to do this here. >> jimmy: okay. >> we should make a pizza to see how it looks. >> jimmy: yeah let's make a pizza what the hell else we going to do. we'll make a pizza. >> guillermo. >> jimmy: what did we lose. >> it's just like torlt the whole thing. we got the
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so you could let that sit for three hours this one here sat for 24 hours it's nice and soft. that's not the hardest park. i think talking to people is most intimidating. >> jimmy: you don't have to spin it over your head. >> this is interesting right. >> jimmy: to me not to anybody else. >> so you let gravity be your friend. bam bam bam. you don't got to make the noise. it just helps me. >> jimmy: the noise is fun though. >> i know. so now it's like majoriking a bn the guest room. because in your own house you don't make your bed. so you do it one, two, three times. that's it. >> jimmy: and now got to do it quick. >> boom, boom, boom. >> jimmy: okay so now you put a little bit of sauce on there right. >> little bit of sauce.
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that's similar to what billy made but not exactly the same sauce. >> how come you didn't use mine? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> hey you're right. i forgot. >> that's all right i don't put my hands in tomatoes for a lot of people. >> that's right didn't do that for nothing. good times. got that. boom. plus i'm the gardener. thank you brother. little bit of this. it's optional but give it a little bit of that. fresh mozzarella. boom. we could use this one jimmy had. >> jimmy: really what am i doing? little bit of mozzarella cheese. >> and you don't have to make it at home. >> jimmy: i thought the whole point was to make it at home. >> i'm saying if your f
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makes or a farmer that has a mill. >> jimmy: like everybody does. >> like everybody. and then this. >> jimmy: a little bit of olive oil. should i put this in. >> we got the other one. let's go. it looks good jimmy. >> jimmy: it looks good? >> yeah hold on. don't throw it in yet. got to got to get the other one out. we'll pretend. >> jimmy: i'll put this over here. >> i'll take this out. cool. >> jimmy: you're surprisingly ocd. >> look at that. >> jimmy: and look at that. [ cheers and applause ] wow. right out of the oven. >> that was like in farenheit it was like 500 degrees. >> jimmy: how hot is the
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it's hot. >> it's hot. that's the thing. seriously when i started out we have a great wood burning oven that's the secret. the secret is like crap in, crap out. the oven is the tool. >> jimmy: the secret is guillermo gets some of the pizza. this is the book it's all explained in here, it's called "bianco pizza, pasta, and other stuff i like" is available for pre-order now and comes out july 25th. chris bianco and billy crystal. we'll be right back.
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[ cheers and applause ] unfortunately we had to bunch james salengo. matt damon, we will not reschedule him. we're out of time. i want to thank my guests for being here. get the book from chris bianco, thanks for watching everybody. good night! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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this is "nightline". >> tonight the fight for baby charlie, born with an almost always fatal genetic condition. his parents seeking treatment, british courts ruling he it would be cruel to keep him alive. >> if he's still fighting we're still fighting. and the president and the pope taking sides, with an american family young son who received the same experimental treatment, could it save charlie's life. former one direction harry styles making his acting debut new world what two epic dun

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