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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  October 25, 2017 11:35pm-12:36am EDT

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>> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- kenneth branagh -- from "thank you for your service," haley bennett -- and comedian neel nanda. and now by all means, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. thank you. that's very kind. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. for those who are visiting us, welcome to los angeles. home of the dodgers who are i
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[ cheers and applause ] the dodgers and the houston astros. dodgers won the first game last night. it was the hottest world series game ever, 103 degrees. i was at the game. they didn't have to cook the dodger dogs, that's how hot it was. so last night we taped the show early. so cleto and cleto's dad and my dad and guillermo and my son kevin could go to the game. my dad's a big dodgers fan. the cletos and guillermo are too. it's the world series, we wanted to go, even though we have work. the game starts at 5:00. and it's already 5:30. but we figure we'll be there by the top of the third. that's what we keep saying, top of the third. everybody get in the car, we put the game on the radio, it was a.m. radio, i wasn't sure i had it but we found it, put the address in ways. we start the journey to dodger stadium which is a nightmare even when it's not rush hour but it was rush hour. going was slow. we listen
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radio. it's already the third ining when we get to the car, which is surprising because the game's only been going a half hour. already we know we will not be there by the top of the third inning. not only that, this game is flying by. every other batter swinging at the first pitch. clayton kershaw mowing through the astro lineup. one down, two down, evidence the inning. one down, two down -- now we start reestimating what inning we might get there. now we're thinking bottom fourth, right? but this game, it's like -- you know the youtube setting where everybody plays at double speed? it's like that. the game's going as fast as the traffic isn't. we are bumper to burper. for an hour. i'm telling myself, relax, there's nothing you can do. but i am not relaxed at all. the game's flying by and we don't even make it into the dodgers parking lot until the bottom of the fifth inning. game's now more than half over and we're still in the car. we have a parking pass for lot g, we get get in,
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car in z-99 us in and start hiking to the stadium. then we run into a fence which we had to climb over. then we run into another fence. it was like donald trump had built a wall just to keep us out of the game. [ laughter ] finally wet in the stadium and it's hot. we're under the overhang and we're sweating from the hike but we don't want to get up and get drinks because we already missed most of the game. we sit down. one inning, two innings, game over, just ends. dodgers win. this was the shortest world series game since 1992. the whole game from start to finish lasted 2:58. 2:28. the "blade runner" movie was longer than that. the average baseball game goes for like a month, they go on and on. this one was shorter than an olsen twip. [ laughter ] we were there 40 minutes. then it took us 50 minutes just to get out of the parking lot. not even -- and somebody rear-ended me while we were in the parking lot. i didn't even get out of the c
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to check the damage, like to hell with it, who cares. so tonight wore going to watch the game on tv, all right? [ cheers and applause ] we did have fun, right? did we have fun? >> guillermo: yeah, we had a great time, yeah. >> jimmy: check this, by the way, they say the average ticket if you bought it from a broker was $1,300 for a ticket last night. but dodgers fans, contrary to popular perception, are hardcore as are local kcal news team helped to illustrate. >> sold my car for this. >> you sold your car? >> i sold my '64 lincoln for this. >> paid with a credit card, single mom with three kids and my kids say, mom, you have to go, pay with credit card. i have to go! >> jimmy: kids just wanted her out of the house for a few hours sounds like to me. this is good, this is how another dodgers fan managed to get a two 4 one deal. >> did he have to pay full price to come in? >> no because he's a lap sitter. as long as he sits on your lap, you're good. >> lap sitter, lap sitter, lap sitter!
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>> jimmy: lap sitter. is that a new thing? lap sitter chair? anyway, last night guillermo was my lap sitter. by the way, for the short time we were at the game there was a woman in front of me and cleto, vouch for me on this, she was texting, i swear to god, on her phone nonstop 100% of the time we were there. they'd send a text to one person, then go to another, furiously text her, her thumbs were a blur. they were like -- i mean, she was texting in spanish. i literally -- last night not only do people talk faster in spanish, they text faster in spanish. [ laughter ] the second she'd finish sending a text she went right to instagram, like, like, like, like, like, it was unbelievable. she didn't look up for a second. she had no idea she was at a baseball game. i didn't either because i was watch herring text the whole time. [ laughter ] speaking of dodgers, president trump has been feuding with a couple of senators from his own party. jeff flake of arizona and bob corker of tennessee are on
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senator corker yesterday impolite in no uncertain terms that the president is a liar. jeff flake announced he won't run for re-election because he can no longer support donald trump. he made a big speech about it. this morning on gma he said he thinks a lot of republicans feel that way and expects that they too will speak out soon against the president. and you're not going to believe this, the president decided to tweet about this today. he said there are no problems in the gop, in fact, they love him so much they cannot sit down when he walks in a room. look at this. so nice being with republican senators today, multiple standing ovations, most are great people who want big tax cuts. the meeting with republican senators yesterday, outside of flake and corker, was a love fest with standing ovations and great ideas for usa. jeff flake with an 18% approval rating in arizona said a lot of my colleagues have spoken out. really? they just gave me a standing "o." who wants to be the one who tell him that people are required to stand when the president enters the room? [ laughter ] [ cheers and app
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that's not an accomplishment. that's like saying, every time i walk into a starbucks, guy behind the counter asks me if i want coffee. [ laughter ] if only his mother had hugged him just one time. of course there's a reason why jeff flake and bob corker are able to criticize the president so openly, because neither one of them's trying to get re-elected. like when you and your girlfriend break up, on the way out the door she tells me, none of my orgasms were real! did what happthat happen to jus? [ laughter ] [ applause ] at the white house a reporter asked president trump if he thought he should be more civil, and well, here's what he had to say about that. >> well, i think the press makes me more uncivil than i am. you know, people don't understand. i went to an ivy league college. i was a nice student. i did very well. i'm a ve
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>> jimmy: when you're the president of the united states and you have to tell others that you're a very intelligent person, not a great sign. [ cheers and applause ] like shaquille o'neal had to say, listen, i'm a very tall person. we'd be confused. he's so insecure. he might be the most insecure person ever. it's interesting. president trump cares so much about standing ovations because one thing i've noticed about him, for a sitting president, he's not very good at sitting. >> donald trump, sitting president. donald trump is bad in small chairs. donald trump is bad in tall chairs. donald trump is bad in all charles. donald trump is even bad in chairs that aren't chairs. like this stump made of gold. this block made of wood. and this goose made of anger. donald trump, standing up for sitting. >> i'm donald trum
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>> jimmy: all right, well. [ cheers and applause ] well, this is interesting. this is kind of crazy, actually. the u.s. postal service is working on a revolutionary new way to deliver bed, bath & beyond coupons to your house. self-driving mail trucks could be on the road as soon as 2025. in the future, you will be able to get the wrong mail delivered to your house autonomously. and while the self-driving truck hasn't been tested yet, no one is more excited about it than this guy. ♪ his truck drives mail to your home he's inside getting stoned north korea snows he's the toking post man ♪ ♪ through wind, sleet and rain he's puffing on mary jane ♪ ♪ he's the toking post man ♪ he's high as a
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won't have to drive ♪ ♪ you can never be sure that your mail will arrive ♪ ♪ his eyes are all red and his truck is his bed ♪ ♪ he's the toking post man ♪ he's the token post man >> that's me! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good luck getting that out of your head. we're going to take a break. when we come back from the break, we went to a movie theater, we asked people to give real reviews of a fake movie that they never saw. and they did. and it's funny. so stick around, we'll be right back. t-mobile's unlimited now includes netflix on us. that's right. netflix on us. get 4 unlimited lines for just $40 bucks each.
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>> jimmy: hi, there. welcome back to the show. kenneth brau shaw, haley bennett, and comedian neel nanda coming up. for those who are fans of "dora the explorer," which is nobody above 4 years old, dora's on her way to the big screen. none other than michael bay is planning to make a live action "dora the explorer," movie this is great, my one issue with michael bay movies is i've never been able to learn span frisch them. the movie is expected to be released sometime in -- hopefully after the world has ended, but michael bay's "dora the explorer" sounds made up but it's real. you know how they do commercials with people coming out of the theater saying great things about the movie they just saw any wondered how genuine these positive reviews are. we did an experiment to put them to the test. we went to a movie theater at the grove, the pacific
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with a poster for a new movie called "dirty old granny" starring sally field. it's not a movie but we said it was. we asked people who were going to see other movies to give it a rave review, and let's find out if they did. now in the world premiere of "lies, camera, action." >> we're doing one of those commercials where people talk about a movie they've just seen as they come out of the theater for an upcoming sally field movie "dirty old granny." can we get you to talk about what you loved about "dirty old granny" in front of the camera? >> sure. >> go for it. >> i loved the humor, the grit, it was truly inspiring, i can't wait to see it again. >> look in the lens and tell us how much you loved "dirty old granny." >> one of the best movies i've seen, the opening scenes were fantastic, i love it. >> so hilarious. i just was cracking up almost the entire time.
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granny," awesome film. me and my girlfriend had a chance to watch it for the first time. now i'm going to bring my kids and the rest of the family to check this movie out because it's cool. >> i love this movie, it was so awesome, what did you think? >> pretty great. granny was a little risque, but i mean, she was great. >> i had to cover her eyes sometimes but it was awesome otherwise. >> we just saw it and my daughter loved it, it's a perfect movie for kids. >> i loved "dirty old granny," it's so funny. there's a bear in it that has dear! diarrhea. >> i like that thing on your head. maybe talk about the diarrhea bear. >> favorite character. diarrhea bear. bar none. funniest thing you've ever seen. >> it's actually not a comedy, it's a drama. >> for a drama, it was pretty funny. diarrhea bear makes you want to run right out of the theater. think about it. >> we loved "dirty old
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funny, i can't believe they did the things they did. >> it's actually not a comedy, she's struggling with dementia. >> oh, okay. >> it's dramatic. talk about how dramatic it is. >> we -- we thought the movie was very interesting. it was very dramatic. it was funny how it was not funny. >> yeah, it was very dramatic. yeah. >> this was bill cosby's last role pre-the scandal, it's impossible to cut him out of the film. will you let people watch cag know you don't have to agree with what bill cosby did to think this movie is funny? >> you know, a comedy is a comedy. you just got to look and go over it and forget about everything but just laugh. you know? >> how about, i loved bill cosby. >> i loved bill cosby. >> there's a lot of racial humor in the film, can you assure people that this film isn't racist? >> the movie is not racist. at all.
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it's very funny. so please don't take offense to it, because it's not racist. >> no matter what everybody is saying? >> no matter what anyone says. >> everybody. what everybody -- >> anybody says. >> what everybody is saying. >> it's not racist. >> we're trying to appeal to different markets. can you put that on, say, as a construction worker from calabasas, i loved "dirty old granny"? >> as a construction worker from calabasas, i loved dirty old granny. as a police officer from pomona, i loved "dirty old granny." >> show us the face you made during the sex scene. >> oh! >> what about when the fit ball team came in and she spit her dentures out? >> eeeh! >> what about when she slipped and fell on the wedding cake? >> oh, that made me -- that got me. >> she broke her hip? >> oh. >> tell us into the camera what you thought of it. >> i [ bleep ] loved it. "dirty old granny." i would [ bleep ] the [ bleep ] out of dirty
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dirty old granny. i would [ bleep ] the [ bleep ] out of dirty old granny. i would [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. i would. i would. here i got es. i would [ bleep ] the [ bleep ] out of dirty old granny. >> i'd also [ bleep ] the [ bleep ] out of dirty old granny. >> as a fur trapper from fresno, i love dirty old granny. >> we love bill cosby. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks, everybody. we've got a good show for night. comedian neel nanda is here. haley bennett is here and be right back with kenneth branagh, stick around! >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" brought to you by liquid plumber. there's a plumber in all of us. ...travel at the speed of light... ...and command the currents. they don't need another way to get around.
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>> jimmy: welcome back. tonight on the show, from the new movie "thank you for your service," haley bennett is here. and then a very funny gentleman, standup comedy from neel nanka tonight, you can see him live at westmont comedy theater. tomorrow night, susan sarandon will be here, jeffrey dean morgan will join us, and we'll have music from odesza. our first guest is a five time oscar-nominated actor and
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with the words of shakespeare as he is with marvel comics. he is the director and star of a new adaptation of "murder on the orient express." >> i didn't kill him! >> you tried to burn the accounts but you have been stealing from him. the -- what is the english word -- the chocolate -- >> fudge? >> you spoiled the fudge! you stole from him! you thought you would be found out. that is why you killed him. >> yeah. yeah, you're damn right i stole from him. thousands. >> jimmy: "murder on the orient express" opens in theaters on november 10th. please welcome kenneth branagh! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i'm
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here, you flew in from australia today? >> i got in from australia this morning. because -- it baffles me, they're 18 hours ahead. so i arrived four hours before i left. >> jimmy: that's true, that's true. >> that's what happens. then you fill in the wrong date on the form you have to sign, you get september to the back of the line because you said it was tomorrow, when in fact it was yesterday. >> jimmy: they send you to the back of the line. >> because you're wasting their time. the numbers are wrong. >> jimmy: the president has some tough new immigration laws, so -- >> exactly. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: if you make a mistake you go to the end of the line. >> you come from australia, it's like being in your own sci-fi film. >> jimmy: is it really? did you like australia? >> i love australia. >> jimmy: have you been there before? >> many, many years ago. as a young actor. and made lots of great friends. and so it was terrific to be back there. it's the one lace in the world where they call me kenny. everybody calls me kenny. >> jimmy: do they really? >> they do, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: they know you're a sir, right? they call you kenny? >> they sa
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"kenny, if you want to speak australian, you put an "e" on the end, kenny, or an "o" on the end, you would be jimmo. jimmo kimmelo. >> jimmy: if there's an e sound at the end of your name, you get an o, otherwise you get an e? >> i guess eo at times. >> jimmy: that's very interesting. how about that. nobody called me jimmo but i didn't know anybody over there. i think it's more fun to go someplace when there are people you know there and you can stay with. how long were you there? >> a couple of weeks. we met a lot of friends and a lot of kangaroos. did you meet kangaroos? >> jimmy: i didn't meet kangaroos but i went to the zoo and saw some. you saw some in the wild? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i don't like that i like animals to be contained in a very secure thing. >> i feel a lot of them have been to gym, a lot of upper-body strength, they do. they're very, very cross about having short arms. [ laughter ]
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everything's out of whack, it's useful for being a kangaroo but annoying when you compare yourself with other beings. they've got the big, enormous legs and then they have to use the tripod tail as well. slightly irritating for them. they come across surly. >> jimmy: did any mess with you? >> they gave me some rough looks, jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they did, really. >> there's a reach calls a walleroo and the male has very dark fur, very scary. there's easily going to be a new horror film "walleroo." >> jimmy: part wallaby, part kangaroo? >> part monster i felt. >> jimmy: weird thing about kangaroos, they're the only animal that punches humans. >> way back i had to do a fight with a one-armed, one-eyed kangaroo. [ laughter ] not so much a fight, more sort of a grapple. like a mild grapple. but nevertheless, they're scary
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close with. >> jimmy: was it a trained animal? >> it wasn't a trained, but bored working with me. >> jimmy: i see. >> do you find this disturbing? >> jimmy: yes, whatever it is, yes. [ laughter ] >> inside the pouch, which you imagine to be full of the most charming kind of, you know, sort of walt disney kind of warmth for the little joey. it's actually like the inside of a mouth. so it's all slaliva-y. all the dreams you had of being in there with little joey, mommy looking after you, you don't want to be in there. >> jimmy: how intensely were you grappling with this animal? [ laughter ] that you know that? did you have relations with a kangaroo? >> i've got too close to that pouch is all i can say. >> jimmy: congratulations. i know you're getting -- now there are two honors that you can receive out on hollywood boulevard. actually, there are three honors. one is you get to dress like spider-man and beg for $5. another honor is you get your star on the hollywood walk of fame. the biggest honor i
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you put your handprints and footprints in the cement there for all-time. or at least until kim jong-un blows us all up. that is what you're getting. that's tomorrow, right? [ cheers and applause ] you've been knighted by the queen of england, as i mentioned. does this rank with that? where is that? if being knighted is here, where is having your hands and feet put on our filthy street? [ laughter ] >> well, you get to be slightly further forward. that's the big difference. you're only on one knee for the queen. on hollywood boulevard, you're on all fours. >> yeah, that's right. >> whatever that may mean. [ laughter ] and my only -- and i'm thrilled. absolutely thrilled. for a kid from belfast who watched movies coming from hollywood as a kid, for this to happen is pretty special. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but you know, they don't tell you where you're going to be put, you know. so i'm a
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about -- yeah exactly, where i'm going to be. because -- >> jimmy: is there somewhere you don't want to be? >> it just feels like -- talking about king ga roos, animal sensitive. i'm worried about being next to rin tin tin or hassy. [ laughter ] frankly both their movies were much bigger than anything i've ever done. it would be kind of embarrassing. >> you don't want to be next to a dog is really what you're saying. >> well, i love dogs. but in this context, maybe there's a better spot. >> jimmy: there have been guests who have been here who have received this honor. i always ask, will you -- obviously you'll put your hands in the cement. will you take your shoes off? or put your shoes in the cement? or your bare feet in the cement? >> tbd, i think. i'm told shoes. but like -- >> jimmy: i don't understand that. >> yeah well -- >> jimmy: they're your handpr t handprints but they're not your footprints, they're your shoe prints. they could be anybody's shoes. >> yeah. so -- well, i think maybe in the interest of not being fraudulent, i'm happy to
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the shoeless immersion. >> jimmy: you would be the first and i think that would be wonderful. [ cheers and applause ] you wouldn't be the first. hassy and rin tin tin both went without shoes on. [ laughter ] >> answer me this, riddle me this. so it's cement. i mean, presumably there's a timer on this. i've got stuff to do, i don't want to be stuck there. >> jimmy: you don't have to wait till it sets. >> okay, fine. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you push it in, then you'll be there, you'll take pictures for about a minute, then they will release you from the cement. although it would be a funny prank if you were there forever. >> yeah, exactly. [ laughter ] and then riddle me this as well. so say you get them out, how do you wash cement off your feet? >> jimmy: i think that's easy, borax, you'll get that right off, no problem at all, you're going to be fine. that's the least of your problems. if you can go in barefoot, i think we'd all appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] let's talk about this
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was agatha crystie book, they made it into a movie in the mid-70s. is this something you always wanted to make? is that a movie that meant something to you? >> it's a great, great thriller. my mother used to read crime fiction. that's why i was introduced to it. it's a classic structure. the train gets stuck in the snow, there's an avalanche. 12 very exotic characters are there for an investigation by a man who claims to be probably the world's greatest detective, hercule poirot. it's a great situation to get in this case an amazing group of actors. >> jimmy: who's in the movie? >> johnny gep, michelle pfeiffer, daisy ridley, penelope cruz, willem dafoe, derrick jacobi, you name them. >> jimmy: wow, you named them, i don't have to. you got them all. [ cheers and applause ] i know you've worked with a few of those people before, had you worked with johnny depp before? >> i had not worked with johnny. he was just a
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gent, fun. totally sort of obsessed with the business of building a character. he flew in three months before we started and just spent days walking up and down, trying to different clothes, getting the walk right, getting the hat right, getting the sideboards right. kind of obsessed with the part, drinking it all in, it was very interesting. >> jimmy: as a director do you love an actor taking that it seriously? >> oh, yeah. what happens is then he can come on the day, we had a very enjoyable scene to do together which we improvised lavishly. it was partly because he was so secure in the character. in the look of the character and everything. that he was able to sort of play it. be very free. what was really impressive about him and michelle and penelope and all of them, willem, was their freedom in front of the camera. they're so knowledgeable, they come with their game already prepared. it's exciting to see tip-top professionals get there so that they can be as spontaneous as possible. >> jimmy: there you go. if you want to see tip-top professionals, "murder on the orient express."
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>> jimmy: welcome back. haley bennett and neel nanda are on the way. if you're like me, every sink in your house is clogged at all times. fortunately, liquid plumr empowers everyone to be his or her own plumber, and we sent guillermo out into hollywood to show you how. >> do not use sink, clogged. come on. liquid-plumr has the power to destroy toughest clogs. there's a plumber in all of us, especially right here. now let's go tell everybody, let's go! ♪ i walk through the streets and i realize that everything ♪ ♪ shines in a different way ♪ ♪ and i smell the sea like it never smelled before ♪ ♪ everything turns blue ♪ when the
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ralcandidate for'm governor,rtham, and i sponsored this ad. rrator: they call him enron ed.rtham, because washington, dc lobbyist ed gillespie represented the worst of the worst. lenders trying to keep student loan rates high. corporations sending jobs overseas. and of course the enron scandal. now, enron ed is lobbying for donald trump's agenda. like cuts to virginia school funding, and taking away healthcare from thousands of virginians. enron ed gillespie. he's not lobbying for you. >> jimmy: hi there, we're back. still to come, neel nanda. you know our next guest from "the magnificent seven" and "the girl on the train" she was the girl not on the train. her newest movie is the true story, "thank you for your service." it opens friday. please welcome haley bennett. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: welcome. i heard you just moved to brooklyn. we just left brooklyn, coincidentally, we missed you. how long have you been there? >> it's been about three weeks. >> jimmy: okay. >> i really love it. >> jimmy: you love it. >> i do, i had a nice small-town feel. i'm from ohio. >> jimmy: do you feel brooklyn has a small-town feel? >> brooklyn heights, yes. >> jimmy: i see, all right. do you know your neighbors? >> compared to manhattan where i was living before, much quieter. >> reporter: manhattan definitely does not have a small-town feel, there's no question about that. you know your neighbors and you talk to your growser and all that kind of thing? >> well, i've got to know know my neighbors. a little bit of an unusual way. my cat jumped out my third-story window. >> jimmy: yes, i have some photograph evidence of that. the cat's fine, i guess, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: cats can jump -- if you said your uncle jumped out of a
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interview would be ruined. >> the cat survived, she survived. i hardly survived. i went around posting these pictures. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> it's a really good way to get to know your neighbors even if you don't lose your cat. >> jimmy: so this is -- you recommend this. now we blurred a couple of things. let me get a close-up. that's a real photograph from the tree. but you actually put your own phone number and address on the poster. is that a good idea? >> not now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so you got calls from people? >> yeah, i got a lot of calls. >> jimmy: with people -- >> it's a great way to make friends. >> jimmy: did you make any friends? >> yeah, i did. a lot of -- well, actually, no. a lot of hate of cat lovers called me. how dare you lose a cat, what happened, it jumped out your third-story window, you're a cat murderer. >> reporter: that >> jimmy: you're upset about your missing cat. >> p.e.t.a.
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>> they didn't call. >> no. >> jimmy: tell low, this is pet tax you're in a lot of trouble. you're upset about your cat, and maniacs are calling you and yelling at you for letting the cat get out. >> they also called me about my recycling. this is the thing in brooklyn. >> jimmy: how did they get your number about the recycling? >> my landlord called me about the recycling. >> jimmy: did you recycle that poster? >> yeah, i have to go around, recycle. put them in the blue bag or the clear bag. >> jimmy: that's right. >> it's a very big thing in brooklyn. >> jimmy: it's a very big thing here, too. at my house, if i see something in the garbage that is not supposed to be in the garbage, i will fish it out and angrily bring it to the recycling bin. glare at everyone in my house. that was new for you? >> yeah, this was a new thing. >> jimmy: it's a newling. because -- well, you didn't have recycling where you grew up? >> i did, but i didn't know -- i thought the plastic goes in the recycling bin. i didn't know the plastic and the metal has to go in the different bags.
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says, this goes here, this goes there. >> jimmy: just to remind yourself? >> yeah. >> jimmy: so you wasted paper. [ laughter ] >> actually, to circle back, i think my neighbor kept telling me my cat wasn't in her yard. and eventually i jumped the fence. because i just had a feeling that my cat was there. but i don't know -- you know. i found my cat at my neighbor's --. >> jimmy: your cat was there? >> she was there i had this feeling she was there she's my cat. i go back. so i jump the fence. and i found her. i'd gone back a couple of times. i think she's there. no good luck, she's not here. when i jumped the fence, finally i found margaret. i don't know, maybe it's because i wasn't recycling properly. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is it possible that your neighbor was trying to steal your cat? >> or punish me for not recycling properly. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so why -- this woman told you that there's no cat here, and the cat was there. >> yeah. >> jimmy: what did you
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did you do anything? this is brooklyn, you've got to smash her windows or something. [ laughter ] if you want to fit in with the locals. trust me, you need to take action against this maniac. >> i know. well, i won't be baking her any cookies. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: make sure you bake cookies for everybody else. >> everybody else is getting cookies except her. >> jimmy: let's talk about your movie, based on a true story. talk about it a little bit. it's a very heavy subject. but it's an important subject for sure. >> yeah i think it's an important film about our american troops that come home, and about their families, and it focuses on the families of the american troops that come home and try to re-inter great into their civilian lives. and the reason that i connected so much with the story is women don't get enough credit. and this film is different. it shows the stories from the perspective of the woman and her trials and tribulations and how they rise above. >> jimmy: while she's waiting for her husband. >> while she's waiting for her husband. then they come home and t
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>> jimmy: this is -- you know, of course there are songs and we've seen stories. this is a relatively recent situation that we're seeing the results of. and it is crazy to me that these -- that this does happen, that it is so hard for veterans to get medical attention and to get into the workforce. it really is i think an important subject for a film. >> yeah. i mean, there's sometimes waits six to nine months for veterans to get the help that they need. so this is an important film and really good timing to start a conversation about ptsd and our veterans getting the help that they need. >> jimmy: congratulations on the mov movie, "thank you for your service." opens in theaters on friday. that's haley bennett, everybody. we'll be right back with neel nanda! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: our next guest is a very funny comedian from atlanta, georgia. you can see him every friday night at the westside comedy theater here in santa monica, please welcome, neel nanda! [ cheers a
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>> how are we doing, los angeles? [ cheers and applause ] good evening. yes, yes. i'm excited to be here. i do live here in los angeles so i'm dating in los angeles, which is fun. i don't know if i'm dating girl order if i'm just feeding girls. i have no idea. i've had a lot of feedings lately. like i was feeding this girl for about ten months. that was almost a committed feeding. but no, my last relationship actually ended because of a text message. it was a sexy text. she texted me, she said, hey, could you come over and help me build my bed? maybe we can use it. yeah. sexy text. i immediately turned into a '90s r&b singer. ♪ brow girl i'm gonna build your bed and lay you down ♪
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that was my first thought. my second thought was, i can't build a bed. there's no way. there's no way i can do that. i can barely build a bear and there's a workshop for that. can't do it. i did do it. i did do it, i went over there, took me about an hour. hour and a half. until i called a man. i was like, hey, danny, this is courtney, he's going to be feeding you from now on. [ laughter ] ♪ bam bam bam now i'm gonna watch a porn with headphones on ♪ i got roommates, what are you going to do? i don't know. i wish i could meet somebody the way my parents met. my parents have this adorable story. my mom is from a place in india called the sungunge. my dad is from penjab. the way think parents met, adorable story, they were married. that's how they met. [ laughter ]
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[ applause ] it was love at first wedding. my dad actually lived in atlanta, georgia, at the time. he was at georgia tech, engineering school, so he was incredibly horny. [ laughter ] so what my dad did was put an ad in the indian newspaper. ancient tinder, basically. it was just a picture of his face and his bio, and my grandpa saw this, my mom's dad. he cut it out, then cut out four other dudes' profiles for my mom to swipe. [ laughter ] my mom saw these five guys. and she went, evenny meany mineny. the one in america. [ laughter ] [ applause ] thank you, mom, i appreciate that. they got married in india but they moved back to georgia because they loved racism. [ laughter ] yeah.
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they raised me in georgia, i enjoyed growing up in georgia, i had good friends growing up in georgia. my favorite friend, pagemus. hey, how do you spell that? p-a-d-g-e-p-a-a-j -- he goes, no, it's p-a-j-a-m-a-s. i was like, your name is pajamas? [ laughter ] it's not pagemus. but you know what, pagemus? you know what, man? whatever helps you sleep at night, that's cool with me. cool with me. [ laughter ] [ applause ] no but me and pagemus were good friends. we would argue all the time. we didn't agree on the same things. i was a big supporter of gay rights, gay marriage. but pagemus wasn't. he wou
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baseball. hey, man, in leviticus it says a man may not lie with another man as he does with a woman. and i was like, hey, man, that's from a book that's been rewritten and retranslated for over 2,000 years. what if that was a typo? [ laughter ] what if that was a mistake? what if that was supposed to be a man may not lie to another man as he does to a woman. [ laughter ] [ applause ] yeah, yeah. bro bible, right? yeah. and why am i arguing with a dude named pajamas? i don't know. thank you guys so much. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's neel nanda, everybody. thanks to our guests. apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next. thank you for watching, good night!
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on the wildlife preserves of south africa, nothing is what it seems. where saving the rhino might look like this. and profiteer poachers might look like this. >> one single horn on the black market can buy as many as 1,000 ak-47 rifles. can keep 75 isis fighters in kit and armaments for 12 months. >> bob woodruff takes us to the south african savannah where a team is going airborne to fend off brutal criminals. but now are the hunters set thanksgiving sights on them? >> once they come into your country to kill, if you stand in their way they will come for you as well. >> with millions to

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