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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  April 13, 2010 12:05am-1:05am EDT

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how tired are you of the question who's in charge in russia, you or prime minister putin. >> yes, i am a little tired. it's annoying. the decision is taken by the person who is designated to do that by law. if you consider the questions of foreign and domestic politics and defense, the security, this is only the president and no one else. the russian president insisting he is in fact his own man. tomorrow night, my co-anchor cynthia mcfadden spends the day with joyce myers. >> you don't think it looks unseemly for someone preaching the word of god to have a private jet? >> why would it be okay for a business executive but not okay for somebody like me? why is it that people think if you work for god, that that always means you cannot have
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anything. >> because i think people think, okay, jesus is example of the sort of sack cloth and ashes where he lives in the simplest way. >> i gave up everything. i went through that. >> so if jesus were here, he might have a corporate jet. >> might have. they weren't available back then. that's our report tonight for cynthia, terry moran and all of us at abc news, good night, america. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. on the show tonight, from "castle," nathan fillion is here, he's a sharp guy. it's a big music night. dave grohl from foo fighters, josh homme from queens of the stone age and john paul jones of led zeppelin team up with a new supergroup called them crooked vultures, here for two nights on our incomparable outdoor stage. and we'll make a whole bunch of golf-themed sex jokes about tiger woods.
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and from "dancing with the stars," pamela anderson will be here to explain exactly how she does this. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes. that's dos. i'm gonna have one of these under 550 calorie meals. [ male announcer ] applebee's new nder 550 calories menu. it's all the tastes " and none of the trade-offs. that's under 550 calories? [ male announcer ] and it's another reason why there's no place like the neighborhood. now open until midnight or later.
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( ding, cheering, ringing ) keeping you full and focused with more than double the fiber and whole grain... in every tasty bite -- frrrrrrosted mini-wheeeeats! didn't know i had it in me. >> dicky >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight -- pamela anderson, from "castle," nathan fillion, a special appearance by fred willard and music from them crooked vultures. with cleto and the cletones.
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and now that that's been settled, here's jimmy kimmel! [ applause ] >> jimmy: i'm jimmy. that's very nice of you. please, i'm only a man. and barely even that, so thank you. thanks. welcome to a full night of ball rooming and other items of that nature. what a night of dancing tonight on "dancing with the stars." it was passion night tonight. the judges, they did something different tonight. the judges gave each dancer two scores. one score for dancing and one for technique. apparently those are different things. first score was numerical. second was a series of obscene
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gestures. if i was going to split the judging into two categories, i would have gone with orangest tan and biggest fake smile while hyperventilating. i'm glad they're cracking down on the technical stuff. the fact that no one called chad ochocinco out for dragging is toe during the paso doble. "dancing with the stars" beat "american idol" for the second week in a row. how happy is paula abdul about this? two of the reasons "dancing with the stars" is beating "american idol" are here with us tonight. pamela anderson is on the show tonight. please don't bring up that thing that happened between us on the boat. it's still a little he owe did
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you know pamela anderson got married to anderson cooper a few months ago? also from "castle," nathan fillion is here. and, we have music from this band, them crooked vultures, they're made up of john paul jones of led zeppelin. that's a super duper group. i could use a little bit of that, because i watched more golf this weekend than any white man under 50 should. i don't know why. i didn't if i was expect willing tiger to snap and have sex with a woman in the crowd. it was golf. phil mickelson won the masters. mickelson is probably tiger's arch rival.
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it was a disappointing finish for tiger all around. he finished fourth, only $330,000, barely enough to pay his text messaging bill. he was clearly disapointed, but he has been away from the game for months. he's obviously under a lot of stress. it's difficult to play your best when you've got a padlock on your underpants. the one good thing that came out of the tournament is tiger's sub par play provided us with our unintentional joke of the day. >> my speed was good. but i just kept tugging the putts. >> jimmy: sometimes you have to. after the tournament, tiger called his performance unsuccessful and said he's going to take some time off. from what? golf. golf is time off. his whole life is time off. the fans gave him a warm welcome. not one fan heckled him.
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this is why they should have had it in augusta. they should have had it in philadelphia this year. in philadelphia, not only would they heckle, they would be throwing hookers at him. i think the main reason there was no heckling was the mouth emblems that nike handed out. tiger could have used some tape on the mouth himself. he did a lot of cursing this weekend. >> out of the first cut. damn it, tiger, come on. god, tiger. >> he is totally out of sequence. >> god. >> back right quadrant. >> tiger woods, you suck. ta damn it. >> i don't think he's pleased. >> jimmy: i'll tell you, on top of everything else, we learned tiger woods is a potty mouth.
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did you notice he calls himself tiger? if that's normal. i do that. morning, jim. looking good, j man. it was a full weekend of sports. baseball is back. this is pretty excellent. this is yankees pitcher, he was sick for his game against the red sox. he was sick for this game. >> i had a lot of diarrhea. that's what you want to know? yeah, i had a lot of diarrhea. yeah. i had the diarrhea. and then -- what? that's funny?
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rough day. i had a lot of diarrhea. >> jimmy: i guess maybe having diarrhea is a badge of honor in his country. i think what he's trying to say is he had diarrhea. conan o'brien today announced he will not go to fox. he will move his show to tbs. later today, jay leno said he would move his show to tbs. i ronically to make room, tbs is going to push george lopez's talk show from 11:00 to midnight. team lopez is going to go nuts. it will be lo and co on tbs. they have a lot of good anchor people but i'm not sure i would want any of them on my team if i
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were playing trivial pursuit. >> we're trying to remember the movie, val kimmer played the part of jim morrison. >> we can't remember the title of the film. jackie, maybe you know. >> i thought it was the doors. >>. >> jimmy: something that has a knob on it. i can't quite come up with the word. as i mentioned earlier, nathan fillion is here from "castle." . tonight's episode was about the murder of a late night talk show host. you would never murdser me, guillermo. >> never. >> jimmy: the side kick was played by fred willard, anchorman, waiting for guffman, but yehya you don't know fred at all? >> no, from a long time.
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>> jimmy: he spends his time waiting for celebrities to come out of restaurants so he could take his picture with them. he also works as a handy man, we decided to send him to take care of things at fred willard's house. enjoy. hi. it's me, yehya. i come today. i fix something for some celebrity. i don't know who. but big name and big celebrity. >> yehya. >> sam, nice to see you. >> nice to see you. >> what your name? >> fred willard. >> can i take picture of you? >> absolutely, yes. because i got famous people, you know? >> good. i need a handy man. i needed several things fixed. squun said give yehya a call. here's the first problem with. let's put the lunch box down for
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now. this door, is this door a little too loose here. >> it's loose, it's not closed good. i bring my tools. one minute. >> this is a problem. >> because the lock, you know, i move it a little. i clean out this. >> you know where everything is? >> yeah. wait till i find it. >> is this how bob vila works? >> who is that? >> he's on tv. it would be interesting to do some repairs. >> i check. you want to see from outside. >> knock, knock. >> push the door. you say who's there. >> knock, knock. >> who's there. >> liena. come on in. >> liena who? >> knock, knock. >> who's there? >> liena who?
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>> lean a little closer and i'll tell you. not me. i don't touch that. >> it's quite a shock when my home sweet home sign fell and nearly fractured my skull. >> don't worry, i'm short, but i have a hand tool. don't worry. >> see now. there you go. close the door. open the door. never fall down. give me a second. i'll be right back. >> i think it's worse than it was before. i can get someone out to fix that. yehya is a craftsman in every way. >> knock, knock. >> who's there?
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>> duane. >> who's duane. >> duane the bath tub. i'm drowning. >> duane the bath tub. okay. he took complete control and fixed everything. even things i didn't want fixed. >> i think you kind of get the idea of those knock, knock jokes. >> knock, knock, knock jokes. >> knock, knock. >> who's there? >> orange. >> orange, okay. >> knock, knock. >> who's there? >> frank sinat ra. >> i saw frank sinatra. >> knock, knock. who's there? >> brad pitt. he's a nice guy. >> i like your version better. it takes less thought. >> knock, knock. >> who's there? >> what's his name? >> nicolas cage?
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>> nicolas cage. >> you know him? >> i think it's ben stiller. >> who's there? >> there is really turned on me in a horrible way. >> at one point, it became all too clear that i made a mistake starting with the knock, knock jokes. >> knock, knock. >> who's there? >> anyone you want. >> tim. >> tim to go. it's time to go. this is more than i expected. i'll walk you out. the door is jammed. >> very funny, man. >> knock, knock. >> who's there? >> my grandmother. >> she's inside. >> you try it. >> i'm sorry. i don't break it. you break it. >> i misunderstood the whole knock, knock thing. >> i'm sorry. i clean it for you. >> no, that's fine. you have just been wonderful here. >> because you break that.
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i have present for you. >> a present? >> yeah, i want to give you present. my favorite actor. george clooney. >> no. okay. that's great. >> he's good actor. ocean 11, 12, 13, right? >> i might move that later, but it's a great thought. thank you so much. >> no problem. thank you. >> thank you so much. what your name? >> fred willard. >> fred. like friend, fred. >> exactly. i'm hoping more things break so i can call you. >> have a great day. thank you. >> jimmy: from castle, nathan fillion is here. we'll be right back with pamela and anderson.
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>> jim >> jimmy: hi there. welcome back. with us tonight from castle, a show on which earlier tonight they killed a late night talk show host, nathan fillion is here. [ applause ] >> jimmy: they killed him with a fatal dose of balsamic vinegar. that's how i'm going to get killed. then later, our first night with a band with dave grohl, josh homme and led zeppelin, them crooked vultures. dicky barrett, what was the best super group of all time. >> dicky: jimmy, that's an excellent question. i would go with, besides the vultures, i would say the
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highway men. >> jimmy: our first guest tonight is a poster come to life. you know every inch of her from countless tv shows, magazines, videos. you can see her twirling and dipping on "dancing with the stars." please say hello to pamela anderson. [ applause ] . . >> jimmy: that's some outfit you have on. >> you guys put some crazy mike on me. >> jimmy: the way you're dressed, it makes me think if you slept over my house and you didn't have any clothes and you said can i borrow one of your shirts and you put it out and them came out and i called all my friends to see what was going on. you look fantastic. thank you for coming frmgs thank
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you. >> what a night for you this was. it was your best performance of the season, i think. the judges agreed. you got a very good score. >> we did. >> jimmy: you did well in both categories. they have two categories tonight. >> yes, technical and performance. >> jimmy: did they warn you in advance there were going to be two categories. >> they did. >> jimmy: the thing people were complaining about is certain dances, like a rum ba has certain rules. >> there's a lot of rules. every dance has its rules. i never danced before in my life and i always had a fear of dancing so this is like overcoming a fear. the first dance i did, i was really proud but i screwed up a little bit, but i had fun. it's fun to see the progression. >> jimmy: you've never danced before? >> no, never, not without a pole. i did that for elton. >> jimmy: you seem pretty confident as far as, you muf done a lot of dancing.
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>> i was thinking i really want to do this. with anything in my life, if you just do it, that's how you do it. everybody else is doing it, why can't i dance. r? that's why i wanted to do it. i can't believe the queen of stone age is here. >> josh homme and john paul jones of led zeppelin. there could be a future husband in this group for you. >> i always get along with the band quite well. >> jimmy: take us through this here, because this is, this is not something that you really can learn, is it? this is just something that -- >> i was born that way. that's how i came out of the womb. >> jimmy: you came out of the womb in the same position as your mom, a t? that's pretty impressive. that really is.
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did you have to really stretch like that or are you naturally like a barbie doll? >> i'm fairly rubberized. >> jimmy: do you feel like you have the eye of the tiger to win this thing? because i think you need it. >> i want to. i really want to do well. as i do a little better and better, i realize it's about the fans, and everyone is voting, which is really incredible. you guys need to vote right now. you guys can vote right now, or tonight. tonight when you see the show, you can vote ten times. >> jimmy: a lot of people have been saying they vote for themselves. have you voted or yourself? >> i voted for buzz. >> jimmy: you're the only person that didn't vote for themselves. >> i voted for myself too. of course. >> jimmy: do you have others voting for you? >> i started to ask everybody to vote. i didn't realize how important it was in the first couple of
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shows. my kids didn't vote. tommy didn't know what numbers vote were. after i told him that, he figured it out. >> jimmy: is he voting for you? >> he better be. that's the least he could do. >> jimmy: does he know how to do it? because i can't imagine him at home he voting. >> he is voting. yes, he is. it's part of our deal. >> jimmy: it is? now, what's going on with your partner damian? you seem to be very affection at towards each other. am i reading too much into this? >> no. >> jimmy: is there a possibility that he will become a part of your army of former lovers? >> i kind of like the tension. there's a lot of tension, which is good. >> jimmy: do you think he likes the tension? >> i'm sure he likes the tension. >> jimmy: the tension can be very tension sometimes though. >> i like it. i think it's good. i'm not with anybody right now. it's nice to have that romance. it's a real lesson in a healthy relationship, just to be dancing
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with somebody and go home. >> jimmy: that sounds like -- that's just like my mom and dad. that's how it went. what about your sons? how old are your sons. >> 12 and 13. >> jimmy: are they excited about you being on the show? >> they're busy kids. >> jimmy: what do you do for them like on easter. >> we went to the playboy mansion. >> jimmy: what? did you really? >> yeah. yeah. >> jimmy: that's not the bunny god was referring to. what do you mean they stay in the grotto. >> i said to hef, does the easter bunny live here? he said no, but a lot of other
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bunnies do. >> jimmy: those kids don't believe in jesus, no one does. >> we were in church last night. >> jimmy: i would be in church every morning if mom took me to the playboy mansion on easter sunday. that's great. hopefully, i don't mean this the wrong way, hopefully we don't see you for a long time, because what happens is once people are eliminated they come to the show. you did great tonight. it sounds like you have gotten people to start voting for you. >> yeah. it's been fantastic. i'm excited and grateful. >> jimmy: if people want to vote for you, you can't complain about your dancing champion if you don't vote. >> yes, i can't believe i'm asking. >> jimmy: it's part of the deal. great to see you. pamela anderson, everybody. we'll be right back with nathan fillion. [ applause ] fin
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>> dic >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live!" are brought to you by bud light wheat. , it has an available dual-view entertainment center. driving my sienna says, "sure, i'm a mom. but i'm not running around rocking mom jeans." miss, there's a diaper bag on your roof. please. ♪ [ male announcer ] meet the family and the new sienna on youtube. toyota. and the new sienna on youtube. i was running across the platform and i just missed the it was one oftrain. days. so i checked on the next one.
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>> jimmy: >> jimmy: hi there. still to come, the crooked vultures. earlier tonight, you saw our next guest speak the unspeakable murder of a late night talk show host on castle. please welcome nathan fillion. [ applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? are you nervous? seems like you're hiding something. >> no. now, jimmy, i watch the show. i watch your show. >> jimmy: all right. >> i saw what you did with castle. i saw you smash the castle. we kill a talk show host, you smash a castle. >> jimmy: it's not much of an
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exchange. >> you snub me for heandsome men's club. >> i want peace. i want to move forward. >> jimmy: i'm looking at your biceps, they're enormous. >> we can move on as brothers. >> jimmy: yes, we can. >> then i don't need this. >> jimmy: that seems dangerous. >> i won't need that. don't need this. [ applause ] >> jimmy: you don't need any of this. i'm going to be honest, you probably wouldn't have needed any of these things. how are you? congratulations. the show got picked up for a second season. >> thank you. >> jimmy: really gotten very popular in the last month. >> we're actually finishing off our second season right now. we got picked up for a third. >> jimmy: third season. that's right. >> i don't know what to do with myself.
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i haven't had a second season of anything. >> jimmy: is that right? >> now it's a third. i don't know what happens. i think there's a cake. >> jimmy: there should be at least. maybe a pie. >> i like pie. >> jimmy: a pie is good. your co-star was here. she took out a knife and attempted to kill me. there's a little violent streak going on. >> who would bring a knife to a talk show? >> jimmy: is it a weird group of people working there at that show? >> we have a good time. we spend 16 hours a day with each other. we're a tight group. we're very family. >> jimmy: how tight are you? >> i've given the crew guys, i've given four haircuts to the guys on the crew. >> jimmy: really? can i ask you, do you try to make them good, the haircuts? >> yes. >> jimmy: i wouldn't. >> there wouldn't be any
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customers. did you ever have a skin tag on your arm? he had a skin tag on his arm. i said you know i can get that four. >> he said i'll go to a dermatologist. i said i can do that. i pull out my phone. i go to amazon. i order a caugterrizer. i took it right off. little surgery. >> jimmy: you're doing illegal surgeries on the set? >> here's the down part to that story. he comes to me the next day. he says it's kind of burning and itchy. >> i said don't be a sissy about it. it was surrounded by purpose and working its way out into the veins of his arm. i said that's not right. the girl who plays my daughter, her mother is a registered
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nurse. she said nathan, that's an infection. that can go up his arm and take his arm off. well, let's not panic. let's get him to a doctor, maybe. he had gone to the makeup trailer. >> jimmy: it was fake? that's what you get for trying to help somebody. >> that's the gratitude i get. you know what? you should definitely have him fired. >> i did that. >> jimmy: you did that? that's a weird thing to do, by the way. you ordered a cauter izer? >> where would you buy a cauterrizer? amazon. >> do you buy a lot of weird things from the internet? what else? did you get this stuff there? >> yes. electric cascade boards. i bought a scratch pad that
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erases with a push of a button. i bought a light saber. >> what's a light saber. >> you saw "star wars" i would have killed someone for this toy when i was a kid. >> jimmy: it's the big fancy one. >> it makes noises, it swishes around. it's incredible. i had it by my front door for home security. i had a party one night. i'm working my last guest to her car. i look down the street and some kid is whipping a light saber around. i said this is perfect. you can't ask for this type of setup. i grabbed my light saber, concealing a light saber is not iz. hide it behind my back. i would say about seven houses down, end of the block. this kid, i put him in his early
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20s, whipping this thing around. he sees me, he's trying to be cool about it. i said how are you doing. of actually, i've been looking for you. i did this thing straight out like that. it makes a big noise. two people on the sidewalk chatting. oh. the guy says, that's cool. across the street, i came seven houses down. it was funnier than that. >> jimmy: the most impressive part of that story, you might be the only adult male in the united states that owns a light saber that has women who come to his parties at his house. that's pretty impressive. [ applause ] >> well, i found that, i mean, as cool as you try to be, i don't think the cool thing works. i don't think any of us males can really aspire to be the ultra cool guy. i think we all -- maybe aspire
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to be, but we all fail miserably. >> what do you mean by that? >> i had a crush on this girl. i crushed on this girl so bad for years. i went to a party, a bar on sunset boulevard. a friend says she's going to be here tonight and she's single. she arrives with a beautiful friend. i'm holding court with two beautiful girls. i'm telling jokes, stories. jimmy, i was on fire. wrap up an joke. go to take a drink, but ls a straw in it. as i reach up, the straw goes straight up my nose. the little edges of those straws, not designed. when it's in the bones. >> jimmy: you have to cauterrize something like that.
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>> it touched my tear duct on the inside. i pull my glass away. it stays in there. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> through the tears in my eyes, i can see two fuzzy images of girls going like this. i'm pulling it out, i'm checking for blood. i said i'm going to go cry. >> jimmy: yeah. maybe you worked that light saber up your nose for the next batch of chicks. it's great to see you. congratulations on the success of the show. it's called "castle." nathan fillion. right back with them crooked vultures. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live!" concert series sponsored by bud light golden wheat.
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>> dicky: this week on "jimmy kimmel live!" david duchovney,
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music from spoon. latest cast off from "dancing with the stars." [ applause ] the "jimmy kimmel live!" concert series sponsored by bud light golden wheat. to stream off air performances and other music videos, go to [ woman ] i'm taking an antidepressant, so how come i still feel depressed? [ male announcer ] approximately 2 out of 3 people being treated for depression
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is that your new car ? uh... yeah ? cool.
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thanks. i knew i wanted a subaru legacy. i went back and forth on the hood scoop... but i'm glad i went for it. the subaru legacy. feel the love. >> dicky: the yankee. >> jimmy: >> jimmy: this is an all-star band. this is their sub title debut album, them crooked vultures. mind eraser.
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♪ ♪ run along face lift if it kills i got news it ain't a side effect ♪ call it a full rejecter. a fuel injected type corrected teenage obstacle ♪ ♪ all i wanna do is have my mind erased i'm begging you pleading you stop coma-teasing us all ♪ ♪ drug company where's a pill for me i call it mind eraser no chaser at all ♪ ♪ on permanent leave of everything law biding dick riding fun police ♪ ♪ leave us alone dulling the edge of a razor blade what does it mean ♪ ♪ when the knife and the hand are your own
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give me the reason why the mind's a terrible ♪ ♪ thing to waste understanding is cruel the monkey said as it launched to space ♪ ♪ i know that i'm gonna be your dangerous side effect ignorance is bliss until they take your bliss away ♪ ♪ robotic mom bought me diy kit lobotomy it's a tuck taste dance craze movie of the week ♪ ♪ you'll buy the doll kick the ball then piss on the sheets all i wanna do ♪ ♪ is have my mind erased i'm begging you pleading you stop coma-teasing us all
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drug company ♪ ♪ where's a pill for me it is mind eraser no chaser at all on permanent ♪ ♪ leave of everything new age goosestep on a karma collision dulling the edge ♪ ♪ of a razor blade what does it mean when the knife and the hand are your own ♪ ♪ give me the reason why the mind's a terrible thing to waste understanding is cruel ♪ ♪ the monkey said as it launched to space i know that i'm gonna be your dangerous side effect ♪ ♪ ignorance is bliss until they take your bliss away give me the reason why the mind's a terrible ♪ ♪ thing to waste
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you know that i am your dangerous side effect you know that i am ♪ ♪ your dangerous side effect i'm not sorry to say we just ran out of give a ♪ [ applause ] >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel
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>> jimmy: i want to thank pam anderson, in facten fillion, i want to apologize to matt damon. them crooked vultures will be back tomorrow night for day two. once again, them crooked vultures. good night. ♪ ♪ gunman bloodshot eyes


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