tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 3, 2016 11:35pm-12:31am EDT
you've seen marty on television, on both "second city tv," nbc's "saturday night live," his movies include "the three amigos," and "inner space." this is his first time on the tonight show with us. would you welcome martin short? [ music ] [ applause ] welcome, welcome, to our humble little set, here. >> why thank you. and what a pleasure to meet you. [ laughter ] >> thank you. >> you are wonderful. that was great. i am so excited to be here, and i brought you a little gift. i brought you a bottle of champagne. [ laughter ] but if you could do bette and i a favor, and maybe drink it on the way home. [ laughter ] >> you won't want to go with me, either. >> no, no. i'll run along. >> the people who just joined us are not going to know what we're talking about. refer back to the early part of the show, and figure it out, because it may be bleeped. good to see you.
and do her, right away. >> well, i'm a tremendous fan of this young lady, and of course, ed, i worked with. you're probably thinking, which "star search" was that? [ laughter ] now, let's see. that was with the david steinberg show, in toronto. ed was up there. [ applause ] >> that's right on. >> david, david, eddie. david, eddie. you know, john, what's amazing to me about having ed? we wanted to have doc, but, to me, john -- [ laughter ] >> oh, that's wonderful. that's right on. [ applause ] >> it was amazing to me. then he goes very low. and then he goes up again. >> he does have a speech pattern, doesn't he? >> oh, my goodness. >> is dave from canada, too? >> yeah. winnipeg. >> and you're from canada? >> yeah. hamilton, ontario. [ applause ] >> you have a great ear for that. did you start as-- fooling around in school, when you were very young? picking up on impressions?
that you really do impersonate the people that you admire, because you just watch them. it's the only possible way that you would. when i used to do jerry lewis as a kid, and i used to do it very high, but then i noticed that as jerry got older, there was a kind of an attitude. and i found it was easier if you did him, you know, if you imagined that you were sucking on a lozenge. i don't know why. it's not that he does a lozenge, but you just have an and you go, yeah, john. how are you doing? bette! [ laughter ] wow. [ mumbling ] [ laughter ] and of course, katharine hepburn, i did on saturday night live.
>> i love that. >> but i did it as nelson hepburn. we did a piece called lifestyles of the relatives of the rich and famous. [ laughter ] and i played katherine's third maternal cousin. nelson hepburn, who's a hot dog vendor in central park. [ laughter ] and i would work there every day except sundays. he'd say, "sundays are mine. they always were." [ laughter ] [ applause ] he'd say, "i get up in the morning. i sleep late, and i read all the papers, and i have a huge bowl of bran. the next few hours, i'm indisposed, and i phone friends." [ laughter ] >> it is flattering, generally, to be mimicked, or impersonated. do you ever hear from anybody that you do, who may-- i know for a while,
billy crystal's impression of him. at first. i think he began to like it, but he didn't particularly care for it. >> i think that there are certain people, you can't help. if you're going to do someone, you really have to do all the different angles of them, you know? but, i do robin williams, and robin's a friend, and, you know, i thought he might be a little offended, because it was all based on energy and, oh, it's wonderful to be here. and oh, what a wonderful song, and don't touch that hair, mary! you don't know where it's been! [ applause ] and it's so fast. >> and he just kind of goes along, and then goes -- >> oh, there's doc. doc, doc, like a nurse. help my arm. >> it's that wild stream of consciousness that goes through. >> he's so great. >> he was on about a couple weeks ago, and absolutely got on a roll, and it was just like, things were clicking on and off,
the time what he was going to do when he got up. he started, and just would-- >> yeah. well, sometimes, you know-- when i once met richard burton, and burton was a huge idol, to me, and i was very nervous. he was doing "camelot." i had a tendency to always be tongue tied. goofball, basically, when i would meet celebrities that i admired, so i decided that i was really going to be intelligent, and plan what i was going to say. i went back stage after "mr. burton, i just want to say to you that you are an enormous presence on the stage, and not for one second did i feel that i was watching a movie star. i thought i was watching king arthur." and i thought he would then say, thank you, and move on to the next person. but he didn't. he talked to me. like a real person. he said, "well, did you not find the reverb was somewhat distracting? booming off the back speaker, it did not bother you, at all?" and i said to him, "thank you." [ laughter ] >> that was it, huh? that's all you planned.
and said, "and who are you?" never look back. it's difficult. >> have you ever tried to get somebody you can't quite nail? there are loosely people. robin is not easy, because his voice is not easy. it's an attitude, more than it is the voice. >> some people-- i mean, you would be impossible, to me. rich little does you, and it's amazing. >> i don't know that it's particularly good, or not. >> i tried to do paul simon, once. it was like, i sure like playing in africa. it's like doug henning, right? the power of illusion. [ laughter ] >> doug henning? is there a big call for that? >> magic is illusion. an illusion that can be magical. [ laughter ] that may not sound that intelligent, but then, i'm not that intelligent. [ laughter ] and jamie farr. >> jamie farr? >> yeah. i'm a lover, not a fighter, but that's like groucho marx, so no.
gary, get me my clutch bag. hurry. [ laughter ] what i'm saying is, you have to have more nuance. you can't take that on the road. >> not really. >> gary cooper, i only have three words. forget it. he's dead. that's not enough. [ laughter ] >> i have been walking on ballfields for 16 years. remember that great speech? >> yes. >> who was the character on saturday night live? ed grimly? >> yeah. [ applause ] >> what is that? a composite of a little of this and a little of ? kind of a very optimistic spirit. very excited to be here, i must say. oh, give me a break. being on "the tonight show," with johnny carson? i suppose that doesn't make me mental, i must say. [ laughter ] [ applause ] if i had known you were here-- you are so decent, i suppose your movies aren't the best in the world. give me a break.
i talked to victoria. she's living with me, now. >> oh, you're doing rickles, now? >> oh, i'll just do anybody. >> well, who haven't we covered? you working on anybody? >> let's see. >> did you do me? >> do i do you? >> yes. >> well, i mean, you aren't that easy to do. >> then we'll skip it. i just wanted to know. >> yeah, okay. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] >> what's the total on the board, ed? >> then there's jerry's laugh, of course, which i love. he's like a plum pudding, bubbling. [ laughter ] oh, a lozenge. i'll put it there. [ laughter ]
>> when they see their father acting like this, does that disturb them? do you think they understand that this is what you do for a living? >> i am teaching my comedy, children. what did i say? >> you're teaching your children comedy, or your comedy children? >> both those things. that's what i do. wa! no, i'm trying to create a comedy dynasty. not since the wynns, and barely there. [ laughter ] i'm teaching a comedy dynasty. and barely there. i'm teaching my daughter, i taught her, for example, that when she falls down, she must wait for her laughs. she can't just get up, you know. [ laughter ] i've taught her how to do-- win an oscar. i taught her with a barbie doll. she just holds the barbie doll, and i told her to go oh, baby! [ laughter ] >> it might play. who knows? >> it won't. >> we'll be back in just a moment.
[ music ] [ applause ] >> it's catching. you're a lot of fun. it's nice to meet you, and have you on the show. >> oh, thank you. >> what's coming up for you? >> i'm writing an hbo special, "martin short goes to the movies," and i start a film with nick nolte, "the fugitives." >> hey, sensational. >> thank you. >> come back with us. >> i'd love to. >> okay. bette, has "whales of august" opened, yet? the movie? >> i don't know to what extent. >> freddy's doing this. here and there, it has opened. >> yes, i think it's here and there.
to sell something, and there's one little announcement i'd like to do, for sale. the paperback of my book will be out around valentine's day in february. >> alrighty. >> yes. i feel more comfortable here, that i've tried to sell something. [ laughter ] >> otherwise, people say, what is she doing there? >> what am i doing here, is right. >> it's a privilege to have you here, tonight. it's always fun having you on the show. >> a privilege to hae- it's a privilege to be here, johnny. i really enjoy it. >> thank you, bette. thank you, martin. thank you, have a nice night. [ music ]
can you believe this? i just got my new driver's license. i look like a terrorist. that's a bad picture. i can top that-- look. my eyes are shut. i look like i'm dead. i look like i've just been exhumed. i've got you all beat. this has got to be the ugliest driver's license picture ever. we have a winner. hi. good morning. hey, joe, joe. you left your wallet on the kitchen table. oh, wow. ah, man, thanks. i owe you one.
helen these cranberry muffins are delicious. this jelly is wonderful. i never realized all the incredible things you could do with cranberries. oh, yeah? try the cranburger. i was trying to get in the spirit of the cranberry festival. antonio and i gathered them yesterday. oh, did you use a frilly little basket and skip across the meadow? hey, i spent a lovely day watching several beautiful women bend over so lay off. i don't mean to be rude, dear but you look like hell. well, i was up all night. i was waiting for davis to call. i waited, and i waited, and i got tired of waiting alone so i figured i'd wait with a couple of my friends... ben and jerry. you do look as if you might have put on a pound or two.
i don't think this guy's any good for you. one date and you're already jumping through hoops. it would have to be one mighty big hoop. ( telephone ringing ) i'll get it. lunch counter. it's the jerk. davis. hey. tonight? oh, of course i'm not busy. i'd love to. e-bye. i can't believe you're going to be here in four hours. i can't believe he's going to be here in four hours. okay, okay, let me think. i'm going to get my hair done. i need dinner reservations. you've got to relax. i'm just nervous 'cause i want our second date to be perfect. don't worry. he'll call and cancel like he did the last five times. he's not going to cancel. thank you, brian.
d a kiss-off note. no, no, no. he's going to fax her from the plane. have his secretary call. message on her machine. female impersonator with a singing telegram. i can't believe you guys are betting against my date. he's going to show up. all i have to do is get something to wear and this date will go off without a hitch. i'll take you shopping and you put down that doughnut or we'll have to take you to the big girl's store. okay. i've got a good feeling about you and this man. thanks, fay. okay, let's go. i'll be right with you, dear. 20 bucks he sends a candygram. roy, i've been curious. exactly what is the history behind our lovely cranberry festival? oh, it's a beautiful story.
the city fathers got together and decided that between labor day and christmas we needed a way to suck in the tourists. excuse me. i'm going to go kick myself for asking. hey, helen, i heard about davis. did you do something to your hair? i just got highlights and these new shoes. oh, i love those. they look really uncomfortable. yeah, but they go perfectly with this new dress. it's a little tight, but it goes with the shoes. why would anybody buy a dress that doesn't fit? after she loses a few pounds she doesn't want it to be too big. if it is too big, you can wear it as a tunic. or take the belt from your plaid suit and cinch it in the waist. suddenly outnumbered the male of the species runs to warn the others. oh, hey, chappel, you got a message while you were gone.
that louse. not that it matters, but did he call? or send a candygram? no, it was la maison about your dinner reservations-- no can do. oh, no. the other restaurants are booked because of this stupid cranberry festival. helen, helen, relax. i'll get you into la maison. yeah? oh, yeah. i have a way with the french. you drop a few names you'd be surprised at the results you get. allo, allo? bon, d'accord, je ne quittes pas. i'm on hold. lowell, i didn't know you were bilingual. oh, i'm not. i'm just being friendly to the guy because i need a table. oui, monsieur, s'il vous plait une table pour jacques cousteau et catherine deneuve. non?
no? how about gerard depardieu and jacques cousteau? non? et vous aussi, idiot. ( spitting ) allo? allo? i'm not getting a table, am i? please, catherine deneuve couldn't even get a table. here i go. i start scratching every time i get nervous. davis is going to be here in two hours. what am i going to do? do this. let me think... lowell, you're a great cook. can you help me out and cook dinner for us? i only have two hours. helen, i could never prepare anything that would live up to my standards, in two hours. can you live up to my standards? sure. and i'd even have time for a snooze. great, thanks a lot-- you're a lifesaver. okay, get moving. clock's a-ticking. okay, okay. everything's going to be okay.
helen! stella? what are you doing here? dominic and i broke up. he's seeing other women. oh, stella. alex, stella, stella, alex. she's my friend from new york. remember when you said if i ever needed someone to talk to? i hope you don't have any plans for tonight because i really need someone to talk to. oh, helen... tonight?
oh. now, now eating for comfort's onlywe can.to ma talk is good, but... you know, it just occurred to me maybe i know someone who might be more helpful. really? who? oh, my god. it is her. the slick and speedy motor oil girl. oh. you know my work? my name's stella. oh, you're a model? whoa, yes you are.
just write, "to roy. thanks for the most incredible night of my life." if you want to make it realistic write in tiny letters at the corner "help. i'm trapped in his basement." i can't wait to tell my buddies i met you. can i see it? okay, but don't smudge the good parts. wow, december. it must have been awful cold sitting on that snowmobile in just that little bikini, huh? whoa! no need to answer that one, huh? hey, slick and speedy. her name is stella. i was talking to you. i'm a grown man. i can look at this if i want to. i just don't want to. oh, come on, joe. you have to help me. i need. just because you have a date
did i mention stella's gorgeous? whenever a woman says another woman is gorgeous she has an underbite like a lhasa apso. forget it, no. i'm tired of being mr. there-for-everyone. helen? oh, stella... stella. hi, joe hackett. helen was just telling me what you're going through. you poor thing. why don't we get together and have dinner tonight? i get off at 7:00. great. pick her up at 7:30. helen, helen, menu's all set. who's this? this is stella, from new york. i can't work under these conditions. wait. why? you said two for dinner. you think her meal will magically appear? no, lowell. she's not eating. nice hostess. listen you come around to the back door i'll fix you a little plate. alex: helen? yes? you're scratching. you need to relax. come to the gym.
like i have time. you'll lose weight. let's go. i'll meet you there. come on, stella. i've got to sleep. okay... okay... okay. got it. lowell, take my keys. you go home, get dinner started and give stella a lift. oh, great. first i'm the chef. then i'm the chauffeur. what's next? watering the polo ponies? don't i know you from somewhere? i'm the slick and speedy girl. i appreciate your candor but quite frankly i like a little more mystery in a woman. hey, girl. i'm handling everything great. davis will be here soon got my hair done, got a dress, lowell's cooking i have time for a workout. everything's going great. thanks. everything's not fine! i gave lowell my car keys! just calm down.
nobody's going tnt it's just roy. what the hell is he doing here? i want stella's picture. forget it. helen's getting ready for a date and stella's asleep. not a good time, is it? no. i'll park it here till it is. ooh... ( doorbell ringing ) dinner-- not ready. stall him! it's just joe! well, that was charming. where's stella? whoa! tonight's your big date. you pulled out the stops. cram it, joe. what's all the noise out here? i'm trying to stuff a capon. everything's going to be fine. i'll take care of this. you go back in the kitchen and stuff it... the capon.
i can do this. what are you people doing in my home? i'm picking up stella. i'm looking for keys. roy, what would you be doing in my home? i'm here to take a naked picture of stella. oh. what? helen, you go get ready. remember, you can do this. i can do this. you're going out with stella? boy, what i wouldn't give to... find my keys. oh, no, it's davis! dinner-- not ready. stall him. it's just antonio. what is he doing here? feeling unwelcome at the moment. oh, good, poison oak. with any luck, it will kill me. it's contagious. please, i'm dying here. ah...
somebody go check on stella. joe, that's your job. please knock first. okay, but, uh... if i'm not back in ten minutes, send up some champagne. so, you saw her naked, huh? it was awful, honey. hold me? ( doorbell ringing ) oh, no, it's davis! uh, dinner's not ready. stall him. it's just fay and... who the hell are you? dominick-- stella's boyfriend. no, no. he was making a commotion... then fine, bring him here, fay. wait. you're stella's boyfriend? i couldn't believe it, either. where is she? stella! stella! she's upstairs naked with joe. stella! helen, i need you to taste the sauce. this is the wimp taking my place? wimp?
joe: if anyone had told me i'd end up like this i would have thought they were crazy... but here i am. i wonder what people will say when they hear the news. out. all i know is after a lifetime of playing it safe i felt like there was no other choice. but wait-- i'm getting ahead of myself. man: hello! ( knocking ) hello! you work here? i own the place. there should be someone here. can i help you? i was on your morning flight.
it's this size and it's got my initials on it, p.m.s. yeah, you heard me, and no jokes. no problem, sir. i will put our ticket agent on it right away and she'll track it down in no time. i just have to track her down first. i'll get on it. i have an important meeting at 5:00. i need what's in that briefcase. understand? don't worry, sir. we'll find it. hey, lowell. tleman lost a black briefcase. would you put our tracking system on it? our what? go out on the runway and look around. oh. tracking system. i'll be back here at 4:30. if i don't have that briefcase, i'm out of a lot of money and i've got lawyers that will make sure you are too.
fay, thank god. i need your help. i can't stay. i'm just here to pick up my handcuffs. handcuffs? it's my second husband, george. he's in trouble. he's dead. how much more trouble could he be in? they want to move everyone in the cemetery so they can build a new golf course. but handcuffs? a group of us widows are protesting. we're chaining ourselves to the gate. i really need your help this morning. joe, this may be the last chance i'll ever have to visit my husband without paying greens fees. grave robbers! hi. is this the baggage claim department? this is joe hackett of sandpiper air. i'm missing a black briefcase from my last flight.
yeah, yeah, i know. look, i don't have time for jokes right now. could you look around and see..? joe, joe, i need to talk to you. can you hold on? my cab is falling apart, and i found a new one. the bank would not give me a loan without a co-signer, so i put down you. hey, wait, antonio... don't worry, joe. i will make all the payments. they just need someone to sue in case i don't. hang on one second. antonio, how could you give them my name without asking me first? my dear friend i never would have done it if i thought you would have this attitude. i don't have an attitude. i just... just forget it rich boy. antonio scarpacci has his pride. what the hell am i saying? pride won't feed the bulldog. please, joe, i'm in big trouble. i need this cab.
ah, thanks. i'll be back with the papers. we have to talk about this. oh, not now. you're way too busy. hi. thanks for holding. the bag's not there anywhere, huh? maybe it got on the wrong plane. what flights do you have that left the same time? i'll try syracuse, cleveland and newark. thanks. bye. well, are you happy now? oh, i'll bet you are. oh, i see that arrogant, smug look on your face. all right, just lay into me. just rub my nose right in it. what are you talking about? you are 100% right about davis lynch. this is the fifth weekend in a row that he has canceled our date. he obviously does not take our relationship very seriously. i hope you told him to go to hell. no, but when i told him i couldn't wait to see him next weekend, my enthusiasm was very low. can we talk about this a little later? i don't want to talk about it.
why don't you give him some kind of ultimatum? tell him either he shows up next weekend or it's over. that's exactly right. i'm going to call him and tell him that. don't you think i'm being a little rough? tell him. hi. this is joe hackett out on nantucket. i have a little problem. i need... ( loud noise ) can you hold on for one second? thanks. lowell! lowell! hi, joe. it's a beauty, isn't it? 1947 harley-davidson. i'm rebuilding it. that's great, lowell but i'm trying to work in my office. you picked the right place for it. if you tried to get anything done out here the noise would drive you bats. yeah, hi.
ing for a black briefcase. it's monogrammed. the initials are p.m.s. yeah, they told me over in providence it might be there with you. well, could you... what the hell are you doing? i'm in the middle of a situation here. joe... something happened. what is it? are you all right? i-i-i-i-i.... come on, come on. just tell me. you're scaring me. it's awful, joe, it's awful. what, what, what? alex and i finally had sex last night and it wasn't great. that's it? come on. stop kidding around, will you? this is serious.
and i was expecting magic, you know and this wasn't magic. don't get me wrong-- the rabbit came out of the hat. i really don't want to talk about this. fine, because what i really need is for you to talk to alex. what? ask her how it was for her. you expect me to go to your girlfriend and talk to her about your sex life? yeah. with you, she'll be truthful. like i did to her. no, no. there's no way. it is out of the question. i am not doing it. yeah, yeah, yeah, right. if ever you have a girlfriend, i'll do the same for you.