[ music ] >> here's johnny! [ music ]

>> thank you. thank you very much. well done. thank you. well done. [ cheers ] well done. >> yeah. >> well done and after three hours in the heat, it ought to be well done. [ laughter ] you sound like you're in a good mood tonight. thank you for coming. and to quote xxmarla maples-- [ laughter ] "that's the best applause i've ever had." well, that's different. >> you look like zorro? that looks like something zorro would wear. >> you dig this tie? that's an elephant hair tie. >> you did a whole elephant in just to get a tie? [ laughter ] >> thought i'd tell you. >> anyway, it's kind of cute. [ laughter ] was it bad standing outside today? we're having a heat wave in los angeles. rather unusual-- >> yeah. >> for la this time of year. i saw a car in the parking lot

>> yeah. >> it turned out to be a real cat. [ laughter ] no. no. no. no. no. don't write-- the cat's lovers will "how dare you say that about our little kitty cats?" well, let's find out what's going on in the news. the big thing i read in the papers is about bush's kind of in a bind. we have about $50 million debt, i guess, to meet gramm-rudman and bush they say is now considering new taxes. >> hmm. >> yeah. i think we missed i think we missed the fine print while we were reading his lips. [ laughter ] no new taxes. bush may be backing off on his position on taxes but thank god he's still hanging tough against broccoli. [ laughter ] that's the main thing. you know what the public's announcing? they're saying that bush's campaign promise of no new taxes was only meant for one year. [ laughter ] and the vice president is kind

you're on the ticket in '92." [ laughter ] that's what bush said. [ laughter ] actually, bush said-- remember when bush was campaigning and he made that statement? no new taxes? bush now is getting off that position. he said, what he really said is "no nude texans." [ laughter ] [ applause ] did you go see madonna? didn't she do a concert here? >> i didn't see her. >> yeah. how many of you saw madonna in concert? yeah. [ laughter ] madonna fever is spreading across the country. i didn't see the show. is it a little bit suggestive? i saw some clips on cable tv and wow! shows were not that risque, right? at least when i was that young. the wildest thing i ever saw at a concert, i can still remember this day,

singing without their cumber buns. [ laughter ] boy. we are in-- television is now what we call the sweeps months. do you know what that is? all the stations put on programming hoping to attract viewers and some of it is kind of tawdry. for example, a local station-- it was the cbs station here. do you know what they're doing? they're sending a reporter out and they're doing a thing called "search for sleaze." i'm not making it up. they're actually sending out a reporter to look for sleaze. now-- [ one applause ] [ laughter ] i mean, sending out a local reporter to look for sleaze is like sending out an arsonist to look for fire. [ laughter ] something like that. [ applause ] now, here's an item i don't quite understand. it was in all the papers. rather controversial.

yes. they're mounting guns on the noses of dolphins. why don't they leave the poor dolphins alone? enough is enough already. the libyan navy, i understand, has got a similar top secret army project. they armed a flounder with an air rifle. [ laughter ] it's not quite the same. but it must be true because today, i understand a dolphin took a shot at a motorist that tried to cu the pacific coast highway. [ laughter ] [ applause ] no. no. no. that's not from the heart. i can tell the difference. apparently, they've been testing them quietly for over a year, did you know that? >> no. >> wherever bush goes, apparently, two secret service dolphins-- [ laughter ] with sunglasses follow his boat. you'll see them when they come up. they're kind of little and they got a walkie talkie.

meanwhile, overseas-- [ laughter ] sometimes, when it's not going good in this country, i just go across the pond and see if there are any jokes in the old country. are you all familiar with-- moscow now has mcdonald's? >> yeah. >> they also have baskin robbins. in the paper this week, they are also getting gambling casinos. a company in nevada is opening four casinos in the soviet union near the black sea. now, the russians, you know, they're not quite up to speed they don't work the same way because casinos here work. in russia, all the chips are the same color. [ laughter ] and after you lose, they decide how much you bet. [ laughter ] [ applause ] now, this is a little item in "the wall street journal--" maybe you saw it. maybe it was on the news. albania has made a deal with at&t.

phone service directly to the united states. boy! [ laughter ] exciting news now. somebody else to drag me out of the bath tub, right? albania's a nice country but you know, they're not up to speed either. they only have two people there with phones. brad and vlad. and vlad's answering machine says, "hi, brad, this is vlad. i'm not in right now." and a third person, i understand-- [ laughter ] a third person applied for a phone and brad and vlad said, answering." [ laughter ] okay. actually, i should've stayed in russia. [ laughter ] okay, let's try this one. moving back into this country and all the way back east, covering this great land of ours, where there are many senses of humor. [ laughter ] true, the fbi is trying to prove that mayor-- washington dc mayor marion barry

are you familiar with this? they said they can test your hair for the presence and see if you've been doing drugs. imagine being convicted on a basis of your hair. more bad news for pete rose. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and today, they took a sample of don king's hair. [ laughter ] but they found a hunter squatting in there with a duck call. [ laughter ] [ applause ] okay. tonight, mr. tony randall, whom we we've not seen for quite a while is with us. [ applause ] one of the young ladies who stars in a very innovative television show called "twin peaks," her name is lara flynn boyle.

and andy-- and a gentleman i have not met. i have only seen a picture of what he is bringing tonight. andy kaufman and he has-- i'm talking really big frogs. have you seen that story? that he is entering in the calaveras frog jumping contest? >> yeah. >> and they had a little controversy because he bred these frogs, i believe in the cameroon somewhere and these are-- i'm talking big frogs. [ laughter ] right here on our stage-- big frogs. i guess that's about it. and? >> don't we have a visitor? >> we have a visitor. >> a visitor from the east. >> from the east. my goodness. what a lucky time you are-- [ applause ] [ music ] thank you.

>> thank you, doc. doc severinsen and the great nbc orchestra. [ applause ] and now a person we have not seen in a long time, the famous visitor from the east. the all knowing, all telling, all omniscient, famous seer sage sayer and former driver for miss daisy, carnac the magnificent! [ music ] [ applause ] well, nice to see you again. >> thank you. >> i hold in my hand, the envelope, can see these envelopes are hermetically sealed. they've been kept in a mayonnaise jar in a station wagon since noon today. >> mmhmmm. >> no one knows the contents of these envelopes but you

will ascertain the answer having never before heard the question. >> thank you, rover. >> yes. [ laughter ] envelope number one. hermetically sealed. >> must have absolute silence. >> often times, carnac gets that. [ laughter ] >> should've been called forwarding, not call answering. >> yes. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> the answer to this question sealed in here is milk and honey. >> milk and honey. >> what will michael milken be hearing a lot of in jail? [ laughter ] over the lips and through the gums. >> over the lips

>> what's the worst place to attach your suspenders? [ laughter ] carnac, headed right into pakistani porta-potty. [ laughter ] ding dong dell pushes in the well. [ laughter ] what won the grand prize this week on "america's funniest home videos?" [ laughter ] freddy explaining it to peter. [ laughter ] he understands. >> he understands. >> where jimmy hoffa-- [ laughter ]

ahh. [ laughter ] >> we have several more to go. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> to hell in a hand basket. what's the next place ernest should go? [ laughter ] [ applause ] hair trigger. >> hair trigger. >> what did germans called roy roger's horse? [ laughter ]

little hand is on the seven. describe an evening at snow white's house. [ laughter ] c'est la vie. [ laughter ] [ applause ] the infinity. >> the infinity. >> ah, shut up. [ laughter ] where does the needle stop on dom deluise's bathroom scale? [ laughter ] [ applause ]

buttercup. name something worn by an athletic cow. [ laughter ] shell game. what do you call mutant ninja turtle foreplay? [ laughter ] >> i hold in my hand the last envelope. [ applause ] >> yeah! yeah! a road, a chicken and an snl president. name something that should be tarred, something that should be feathered, and something that should be

[ applause ]

[ music ] [ applause ] okay. my-- this young man has been the center of a rather heated his frogs will compete at the celebrated calaveras county fair in jumping frog jubilee next week. didn't mark twain write a story about this? >> yes. >> calaveras county? he's from seattle, washington. would you welcome andy kaufman. [ applause ] [ music ] [ cheers ] good god! [ laughter ] that looks like a mattel toy

this is her ky. >> her ky? >> yeah, that's what we call him. this is her ky. her ky is 8 1/2 pounds goliath frog. >> what kind of a frog? >> a goliath frog. >> goliath, yep, i see what you mean. [ laughter ] is it hard to hold him like that? he seems comfortable. >> that's how you hold a frog of that size. support his weight. >> huh? >> you support his weight like this. there are all different colors. some of them are yellow and some of them are white. some of them are black. they're all different. >> that is amazing. i've never seen them. i've seen pictures of them. but-- so you're sitting >> it's also amazing to be out here with you. >> yeah, well. [ laughter ] what's this controversy all about? this frog is because he's not raised in this country? is that basically what it is? >> well, they think they're-- my frogs are too big. >> oh, is there restrictions on what size frog-- >> well, the only rules of this contest is that the frog be 4 inches and that it be a frog. >> well, that's a-- >> he certainly is 4 inches and it's a frog. >> and it's a frog and it certainly over-- how long is that frog all together? >> this frog-- well, the biggest ones that we have are like-- they're about 3 feet long.

seen in any zoo in anywhere in the world ever. >> right. >> and i lived in cameroon for nine years-- >> right. >> and i saw one jump across the river. i knew about calaveras-- >> yeah. >> and in my mind i said, "calaveras, here i come!" >> you got a winner there. >> and it's my dream is close to coming to a reality. >> so why the controversy? why didn't they want you to enter these frogs? or some people-- >> first of all, they said that my frog would jump out into the audience and critically injure some of the spectators. [ laughter ] and gobble up the competitors. [ laughter ] >> let's talk about that. is that possible? >> my frogs are very shy and timid. they would never turn around in front of thousands of people, in the middle of the day-- >> and eat another frog. >> and eat another frog. it would never ever happen. >> now, what does her ky eat? >> well, frog's are opportunistic, they'll eat anything that walks by them in the night and the right circumstances. but what we feed them are mice and crickets and gold fish and crayfish. we try to vary their diet.

with an infestation of what they call mormon crickets. have you heard about that? no. >> yes. >> they're huge about 2 inches long. >> yeah. they would do a good job with them, i'm sure. >> yeah, so they finally relented and said it was all right. >> yes, well what they're doing is they have a jumping pad if you look at this and if you would, johnny, like to hold this-- >> not really. no i-- [ laughter ] >> well, you just hold him like this. just hold him right behind there like that. >> all right. >> hold him tight right in there. so you don't drop him. there you go. [ applause ] >> this frog is disqualified. apparently i just didn't have the right grip on him. i didn't want to-- maybe i grabbed him too tight. >> no. [ laughter ] >> if somebody grabbed me there i'd do that also. [ laughter ] >> i'm sorry about that. >> no, that's all right.

this will come out of your check tonight. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> but the thing is, is what their saying is that-- >> yeah. >> to have a starting pad, which is 8 inches in diameter-- >> right. >> and what they're saying is i can jump my frogs to fit in the starting pad. so i do have some small ones that do. >> i see. >> and so the large ones they want me to jump every day for demonstration jump to see with "guinness book of world records" to measure the world's longest jump of a frog. >> right. >> but as you can see, my biggest frogs, >> they don't fit on there. not too much. >> you know, even if we push them in, they still don't fit so-- actually, what calaveras would like me to do is jump my smallest frogs. >> ahh. you don't want to do that, of course. >> well, i-- you know, for fair play and all that sort of thing-- >> somebody else was says they were worried that these frogs would get loose in this country-- is something i understand, they don't breed in this country. >> well, these frogs die in-- they're from the equator so they die in temperatures below 40 degrees. they lay their eggs on a plant which is only found in africa

>> there's not such a thing as frogs steroids are there? >> no. people always-- >> nothing personal. >> no, no. people always ask me-- >> i didn't want to insinuate you were boosting the frogs. >> people always ask me if i did that. >> yeah. >> if i do that. and no, they're just the largest frogs in the world. they were first discovered by the early french explorers in the late 18th century. >> yeah. >> but they've never been in any zoo or any been kept alive ever before. and-- >> i understand what we're going to do tonight-- >> we're going to jump the frog. >> i think we should do the frog off after this. not a frog off. a jump off. [ laughter ] >> i brought-- >> it should've been call forwarding also. [ laughter ] [ applause ] call waiting. [ applause ] >> i brought you a little frog. >> i understand your brought me a normal frog. >> yeah, i got it at calaveras so-- actually, it's a really big bull frog. >> okay, let's do this-- a commercial first and then we'll come back and see how this her ky against-- >> against a frog. >> the one i got.

[ music ] [ applause ] okay, folks, here we are at the frog meet! [ applause ] okay. obviously, we're in front of someone's home here. now, you've got her ky and you brought me a frog? >> well, i brought you a frog that we caught at calaveras county. it's a big bull frog. >> okay. >> should i give it to you? >> yeah, okay. the first time we've met, folks, so who knows? >> this is the one you'll be jumping. >> well, good lord, this is nothing. [ laughter ] this is nothing! although, he does look a little like jim bakker. [ laughter ] >> and this is the one i'll be jumping. >> does this seem fair, folks? [ laughter ] now, what are the-- we said that-- >> well, what we do, is we set the frog down and it's the best of three jumps.

so, if you want to-- >> you say the best of three jumps? they get one jump? >> one, two, three. >> oh, three hops. >> and then we measure that distance and whoever goes the furthest distance in three jumps-- >> in the three jumps? >> wins the contest. >> you cannot touch the frog once we put it down? >> well, you can when it's on the starting pad but you can't touch it once it makes the first jump. >> but you can encourage the frog? >> absolutely. >> all right. >> and here's what we're going to do. >> have you had more frog? i haven't the slightest idea. [ laughter ] do what you might add? >> okay, i guess we'll do it on three. one. two. three. >> go,y! >> hey! ho! [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> obviously, i won. he jumped somewhere in the studio. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i think he's behind the box over there. this is fascinating. good luck over in calaveras county. >> thank you very much. >> okay, thank you. what? >> one more time?

>> he was hiding, yeah. >> well just there, i mean-- >> yeah, he did something. >> sure. >> when this guy does something-- it's really something! >> okay, one more time. >> okay, here we go. okay. >> ha! ho! [ cheers ] [ applause ] thank you much! andy kaufman! we'll be right back.

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thanks the patients, nurses, and physicians involved in opdivo clinical trials. [ music ] all right. [ applause ] it's been a while since we've seen my next guest. i'm a big fan of his. tony will be appearing on "a night of 100 stars." do we have the list of the other 99? am i reading-- no. it's a three hour special.