tv CBS This Morning CBS November 10, 2016 7:00am-9:01am EST
orrectly, you'll always be connected with the firm. till next week, sir, nanu, nanu. -- captions by vitac [ ding! ] [ ding! ] [ ding! ] [ ding! ] mother, it's the middle of the night. that's the proper time for us, you know. [ ding! ] well, what is it? i thought you should know that tomorrow has been chosen
your aunts, the entire group. oh? they're flying in from all over the world. clara has been collecting old doorknobs in bolivia, and enchantra has been coaching a yogi in outer mongolia, and hagatha's coming from her school. what's the occasion? we've all been designated a coven to examine and report on tabitha. report? what kind of report? ordinarily, i don't get myself involved in committee work. ell know. but tabitha is my grandchild, and i want to be here when her powers are measured. good. i'd like to know myself. uh-oh. darrin will object. oh, boy, will he object. that's why i came to tell you tonight. get rid of him! what? not permanently -- just for tomorrow...
bye-bye, honey. think you're gonna have to work late? isn't having to work saturday bad enough? somebody ought to tell larry tate about the 40-hour week, the 8-hour day. talk about your slave drivers. oh, now, darling, larry's not that bad. [ ding! ] greetings. would you mind knocking before you pop in? well, i thought you were on your way to work. i am, and, somehow, you showing up makes it all seem worthwhile. i'll call you later. oh, please do, especially before you come home. why? well, so i can have a martini in the window. what else? that's a good idea. don't feel you have to wait for me, endora.
oh, that mortal! oh, i do hope tabitha's powers are not limited to her unfortunate lineage. that unfortunate lineage happens to be tabitha's father and my husband, and i'll thank you to remember that. i know, i know, but i love her anyhow. [ rustling, thudding ] clara: ooh! oooh! oooh! oooh! ooh, dear. ooh! nt clara, are you all right? oh, yes, oh, yes. i'm all right. [ stammering ] oh, dear. oh, yes. [ chuckles ] you might try coming through the door, clara. and lose my professional standing? oh, there's the little darling. what a dear little girl.
aren't you excited, dear? oh, yes, i certainly am, aunt clara. i hope the others aren't too late. i'd like to get on with it. mother, do you think daddy will be here? i have no idea where maurice is, and i have no intention of hunting him down. [ thunder rumbles ] it's your father. [ ding! ] because tabitha is also my grandchild. oh, daddy! how's daddy's little girl, eh? may i remind you that she is also mama's little girl? i'd always hoped somehow that age would mellow you, endora. instead, you're just puckering up. oh, now, mother, daddy, don't. clara, it's been a long time. maurice, you're looking very well. oh, there she is! there's maurice's little precious.
i'm glad you're pleased, daddy. you know, there's a lot of me in this little darling -- a certain nobility, a certain fire, a -- how about "sickening charm"? someday, endora. someday. [ chuckles ] daddy, are you able to stay for a while? aunt hagatha and aunt enchantra are coming here. a coven, eh? there's no doubt about that, samantha. tests must be made. you'll stay for them? i'm sorry. i was on my way to the opera in vienna when i heard about tabitha. they're doing "faust" tonight. i always get a million laughs out of that. besides, you don't need me. this is women's work. clara, you're looking more ravishing than ever. oh, thank you very much, maurice. i must leave before this gaggle of geese gets here.
how will i be able to get in touch with you? right. [ whistles ] [ ding! ] this... this will always get through to me. oh, thank you, father. well, curtain time! keep smiling, endora. [ thunder rumbles ] [ ding! ] i'll never know what i saw in that man. i know. [ horn honking ] oh! aunt hagatha, aunt enchantra, how lovely to see you both. thank you, dear. nice to be here.
won't be needing you for a while. where is the little darling? oh, she's in the kitchen eating some cookies. oh, she shouldn't have anything to eat before the tests. oh, i'm sorry. i forgot, aunt hagatha. well, i'll just have to make allowances for it. [ ding! ] be careful. she's just a baby. well, we haven't lost a patient yet, dear, 308 years certifying witches. i hope the husband isn't home. the poor dear's working. oh, well, good. humans emit a low-grade frequency which upsets my instruments. [ ding! ] put this on the child, clara. yes. oh, it's a pity that darrin had to work today. [ ding! ]
where did you get that? uh, this? samantha gave it to me. it's a -- well, in case we go out to lunch, and you have some, uh, spaghetti or lobster or -- what else is kind of drippy? you want a straight answer? this saturday work must be getting to him. must be getting to me, too. aunt clara. eight to five, it's aunt clara. tabitha?
! lovely! lovely! well, i knew it all the time. i knew it! i knew it! [ beeping continues ] [ indistinct talking ] well, it's all over. wait until you hear the results. well, that's it. tabitha has been tested pproved methods and standards. and i come to the conclusion that despite the fact she's a product of a mixed marriage, her powers are amazing, and she shows a great potential. therefore, i, hagatha, do hereby declare and certify the child, tabitha, to be a true and verified witch.
would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more. like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app. get ultra-fast internet with secure home wifi to connect all your devices. saving on mobile data fees, helps big time. switch to time warner cable. for $89.99 a month you'll get free hd channels, 100 meg internet and unlimited calling to half the world.
lovely tea, samantha. thank you, aunt clara. well, let's finish up here, girls. we have some decisions to make about tabitha. decisions? what decisions? we have to decide what tabitha's whole future is going to be. well, i think that's a matter for darrin and me to decide, don't you? it's our responsibility. well, i don't see it that way. sam, what is going on here? who -- darrin, dear. who are these -- these -- these -- darrin? dear? um, this is my aunt hagatha and my aunt enchantra. this is darrin, my husband, tabitha's father. well, well. yes, indeed.
yes. de gustibus and all that. pity. it's getting late, and we still have some decisions to make. let's get on with it! in view of the fact that tabitha is the first witch of her generation and because of her importance in the hierarchy, i feel she should be immediately sent to your school. now, aunt enchantra, really! testing tabitha was one thing, but making decisions about her future -- well, that's something else. right! this is our business, tabitha is our daughter, and miss tabitha stephens is going to our public schools! that's it! i have spoken! how dare you?! well, i agree with darrin. tabitha stays here. that's our decision, and it's final. girls?
uh, i don't hear you. wh-what did you say? oh, listen, dears, speak louder. i can't hear a word you say. no, i can't -- i can't hear you. oh, well, it doesn't matter. whatever they say, i'm on your side. endora: samantha, it really hurts me that you've drifted so far from our tradition and your great heritage. now, we've heard your decision. now hear ours. you're both obviously incompetent to raise a child as important as tabitha. therefore, we're sending her to hagatha's school at once. that child leaves this house only over my dead body! unfortunately, that w't be necessary. girls? [ ding! ]
i can't either. mother, you stop this. well, of all the chintzy tricks! tabitha! that's kidnapping! how dare you?! mother, you're going to be so sorry for this! that's enough out of all of you. girls. [ ding! ] [ birds chirping ] , samantha, but we're doing this for tabitha's own good. you'll thank us for it later on. hagatha: and i'm sure your father would approve. [ thunder rumbles ] [ ding! ] trouble, samantha?
all right. i get the picture. a little bit of witch-napping, eh? oh, go back to your opera, maurice, and stop interfering. that baby belongs in her room. [ ding! ] now, then, take the spell off them. unthinkable! we'll do no such thing! out of the question! it's for our grandchild's own good! why, you muddling, bumbling bunch of creaking old crones! i ought to -- oh, maurice, stop the theatrics. honestly, i think you should have been an actor instead of a warlock. perhaps, madam, and i should have been the greatest of them. i should have played hamlet. "o, that this too, too solid flesh would melt, "thaw, and resolve itself into a dew. "or that the everlas--"
i heard you the first time. maurice, will you please leave? you'll miss your favorite aria. oh, no, i won't. they can't put the curtain up on the third act until i get back and take the spell off them. now, you have no right to interfere with the decisions of this committee. one word more out of you, madam, and -- and what? this! [ thunder rumbles ] [ ding! ] [ ding! ] where are we? where are we? oh! oh, it's so cold! it's mount everest! oh, that ham! i didn't think he'd dare! oh, i'm freezing! we shall be here forever! oh, not i. i'm not dressed for it! oh, all right! [ echoing ] maurice!
[ ding! ] well done, daddy. for you and my darling granddaughter, anything. i'd like to thank you, too, sir. for you, nothing. you happen to be just standing in the fallout of my love for my daughter. gee, thanks, dad. watch it, boy. well, time for the third act of "faust." can't keep the curtain waiting any longer, or mephistopheles will have hysterics. oh. [ laughs ] yeah. oh, maurice, would you mind dropping me -- clara! i can think of no nicer company. [ chuckles ] come along. ? glory and love to the men of old ? [ thunder rumbles ]
i-i'll handle it. [ sighs ] [ ding! ] [ gasps ] daddy! two visits in one day. what a marvelous surprise. well, i'm a grandfather. i just thought i'd do a little bit of babysitting. why don't you and dolphin go out for the evening? well, thank you, daddy. that would be wonderful. the evening's on me. where would you like to go? bullfights in madrid, skiing in switzerland, a cup of tea at the foot of fujiyama? what would you like to see?
could top what i'm looking at right now. -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac. come on, honey! we have to be at the theater by 8:15 to pick up the tickets. all right, darling. but we can't leave until aunt clara gets here anyway. that's when we shouldn't leave -- when aunt clara gets here. i think aunt clara's here. one more time. [ chuckles ] whew! well, i made it through. you mean you opened it? ohh. well, you can't win 'em all. aunt clara, we appreciate you babysitting for us, and we won't be late. now, you know there's nothing i'd rather do
and we'll be fine! [ telephone rings ] hello? oh, hi, larry. we were just leaving. sam, our babysitter just called and said she can't make it. i was wondering, as long as you have aunt clara sitting with tabitha, could we bring jonathan over there? otherwise, i'm afraid you'll have to go to the play without us. um, well, uh... yes. yes, i suppose that'll be all right. aunt clara can babysit for both of them. uh, fine, larry. bye. sam, aunt clara sitting with tabitha is one thing. tabitha can always hold her own with the -- but do you think we should leave her with two babies? oh, now, darrin, don't worry. let's not borrow trouble. borrow it? who needs to borrow it?
hard to believe, isn't it? i think that's enough bedtime stories now. now, then, what else can we do to have fun? oh, oh, i know! aunt clara will perform some magic for you. now... look closely. nothing up my sleeves. [ chuckles ] now the magic words. weelabus, flimsy, teelabus! my sleeves! no sleeves! well, this... wasn't what i had in mind, of course. well, now, let's try again. maybe the words were wrong. pinchley, finchley, toodle, fleck, fleck a finchley, toodle peck!
oh, my goodness. i wanted a pony. oh. well, uh... this is for you, tabitha. and now we'll try to get that pony for jonathan. pinchley, finchley, freckle, toot, pinch a freckle, one to boot! but you're -- y-you're -- y-you're -- y-you're not a pony. two jonathans! oh, what did i say, so i can make them one again? well, that was good enough, wasn't it? oh, wasn't she a marvelous dancer, the tall girl? i noticed her. how about a cup of coffee before you go? oh, no, thanks, darrin. i have to catch that 9:00 plane in the morning for chicago. which means that i have to get up at 6:00 to pack for him. and i have to get up at 5:00 to feed the baby. i'll go get jonathan.
what on earth?! yes, we, uh... we were just playing. playing? where? there isn't any room. oh, and why are the children up? really, aunt clara. now, there's a reason for that. oh? [ baby gurgling ] what was that? oh, you mean the noise like a baby gurgling? yes. [ gurgling ] [ gasps ] there are two of them! two. and i don't know how i did it. but, aunt clara! well, you have to try and remember that spell. you're the only one who can remove it. how am i gonna explain a thing like this?
returned. aunt clara, which one is the real jonathan? well, you see, that's -- i don't know. you don't know? no, i-i-i don't know. now, look, i am going to go downstairs and try and stall them. now, you just rack that dear, sweet brain of yours and think of that spell. i will. [ sniffling ] oh, well, now, don't go to pieces, dear. you just be calm and concentrate, and i'm sure it'll come to you. they are? mm-hmm. because when darrin finds out, he'll fix everything. oh. [ chuckles ] he'll kill us.
john, we're giving you a raise. that's fantastic! but i'm gonna pass. are you ok? honey, you got another present. no thank you, dad. who says no to more? time warner cable internet gives you more of what you and those little data hoggers want. like ultra-fast speeds up to 300 megs. that's 50x faster than dsl. this internet speed is sick. get 50 meg internet starting at $39.99 a month.
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a quick game of chess? a quick game of chess? well... four-handed gin rummy? really, samantha, we have to be going. oh, now, louise, it isn't that late. they stay up later than this in a senior-citizen city. i'll fix some coffee. uh, sam, we really don't want any. it'll only take a minute. sam, they don't want any coffee. a nice cup of tea then? oh, please, sam, no. i know -- hot chocolate. make you sleep like a baby, larry. sam, they don't want anything to drink. sam, we really don't want anything. i swear it. oh, but i insist. what? what "what?" sam! well, larry's going to chicago tomorrow. it'll be sort of a bon-voyage party. uh... [ chuckles ] midnight luau. luau? luau.
okay, sam, out with it! out with what? look, i've been married to you long enough to know when something's wrong. well, uh, darrin... it's aunt clara. what about her? why do i keep getting the feeling that i'm being held a prisoner? darrin: what?! never mind, dear. family affair. not so loud! w-well, darling, aunt clara will think of the spell, and everything will be all right again. how long do you think you can stall larry and louise? they want to take their kid home! can't we let them take one home? darrin, you can't do that! why? because one is jonathan, and the other is aunt clara's magic. we don't know which one's which. well, we have to keep the two babies together, otherwise the spell won't work. now, let's go outside and stall them, hmm?
samantha, we really do have to be going. now, if we can just have jonathan -- i have an idea. no, please. i don't want to play games or eat or dance or anything! i just want to get some sleep! as long as jonathan is already asleep upstairs, why don't you let him spend the night? right, darrin? oh, yeah, right! then you wouldn't have to get up at 5:00 to feed him, larry. and you two could sleep till almost plane time. oh, i don't know, larry. oh, good! then it's all settled. louise can pick up jonathan after she's taken you to the airport. well, just a minute! have a good trip, larry! have a good trip. good night! night-night! good night! whew, what a relief! what do you mean, "what a relief"? we're still up to here in trouble. aunt clara, you did it. oh, well, not entirely.
think i want to hear about it. but i'm not getting anywhere with him... or with him. oh, dear, i'm getting all the finchleys and bixleys and bixleys mixed up. why can't i have the ordinary, wonderful, everyday problems that every other husband has? 8:30! louise will be here in an hour to pick up jonathan. what if the answer isn't in that witchcraft book? i've got it! positively! pinkley, finkley, feckley, toot! what? that's the spell? well, that's the first half of it. keep trying, aunt clara. [ doorbell rings ] i'll get it. good morning, darrin. oh, louise! what are you doing here?
uh, may i come in? uh, sure. uh, good morning. what are you doing here so early? oh, larry took a taxi to the airport so i could sleep, and then i found i couldn't sleep without a baby in the house. slight case of motheritis, i guess. [ chuckling nervously ] yeah. well, have a seat, louise. i'll -- i'll tell sam you're here. [ chuckles nervously ] it's louise! [ gasps ] oh, no! uh, n-now we'll get louise out on the patio somehow. now, aunt clara, when the coast is clear, you take the other twin and sneak him upstairs. i will. um, come on, darrin. you take tabitha. ready? ready. hi, louise. louise: oh, good morning, samantha.
come on, come to mommy. um, louise, you're just in time for some breakfast. oh, no, thanks, samantha. as long as i got such an early start, there are a few things i might as well get done. well, why not have a cup of coffee? i'll bring it out to the patio. no, samantha. i really have to be running. you can't. why not? i mean, not yet. why not? why not? well, because, uh, today is jonathan's birthday! that's right! it's jonathan's birthday! larry said so last night. e planned a party. a party? why, isn't that sweet? but i don't want you to go to any trouble, sam. oh, no trouble at all. oh, no! no, louise. no trouble. why, i can have everything ready just like that. [ ding! ] there. now, why don't we all go to the party? come on, jonathan, tabitha, darling. louise, take a look.
finches, footches, uh, bootles, and fleck. freckles and -- freckles and... no. no, that's wrong, too. uh...oh. ala-alakazam? no. no, that's not it. no. finch a boot? tag a pinch. [ doorbell rings ] excuse me. [ chuckling ] tag a finch. good morning, aunt clara! well, well, well. how's my little guy, huh? has he been behaving? oh, yes, just like an angel... like two angels. oh, that's marvelous.
well, the airport's all fogged in, so i thought i'd pick up jonathan and save louise a trip. uh, aunt clara, why don't you go upstairs and work out that little problem -- fast? yes. oh, and just in case, will you keep an open mind about a larger family? well, i have to get back to the airport. i've just got time to get him home and celebrate his birthday with louise. but, larry, we're having a birthday party for him here. oh, that's really sweet of you, sam, but you shouldn't have gone to any trouble. oh, it's no trouble. it's all set up in the kitchen. no more trouble than that. [ ding! ] oh, this is too much. you and darrin are the greatest. oh, darrin, it was so nice of you and samantha to plan such a lovely birthday party. oh, it was nothing, louise, nothing at all.
ay. let's take the kids into the kitchen. all right. there we go. why don't you take one of these whistles, huh? there you go. come on. and a birthday hat for jonno, too. sam -- oh! louise, the kitchen's such a mess, i'm sure sam wouldn't want you to see it. let's go back on the patio. well, what was that all about? we're playing hide-and-seek with the babies. darrin's trying to hide. excuse me. oh. well, hmm, shall we join the party, birthday boy? you sit right here, louise. i'll get you that coffee. this is really turning into a surprise party. what's with -- louise, it's getting a little chilly out here. why don't we all go in the den? good idea! wouldn't want the kids to catch cold. come on, louise. i'm beginning to feel like a yo-yo. where shall we hide, huh?
here we go. you go right ahead. i'll get the coffee. larry, h-- larry? much better in here, huh, louise? i was fine on the patio. ohh! say, why don't i get the camera and take some birthday pictures? , i'd love it, if it's no trouble. oh, no trouble. i got it right here. [ horn toots ] what was that? what? oh, that noise. yeah, much too noisy in here for me, too. if you'd prefer the patio -- i didn't say that i'd -- it's much better on the patio. it's a little too warm in the den, sam. the patio's better. oh. oh! well, uh, you go out there,
oh, my stars. i thought i heard louise. did you hear your mommy talking? could be a dream. say, maybe i am on my way to chicago. is this a birthday party, or am i in training for the olympics? [ laughing ] louise! larry, you're in chicago! how'd you get jonathan? the stork brought him. i mean, samantha just took him -- why don't you two go on out on the patio and have some cake? i'll take jonathan upstairs and put his sweater on him. well, what -- after all, last time i was much younger. yes. "last time"?
oh, i have a very good mind for dates. and then you remembered the spell? uh, remember -- oh, yes! yes! yes! then you'll remember it now. oh? from the fountain of youth a drink i pour. [ ding! ] you're 10 years younger than you were before. [ ding! ] oh! [ ding! ] oh! why, i haven't had this dress on for years! can you remember the spell now, aunt clara? yes! yes, i've got it. i think i've got it. sam! sam, they saw each other! oh, well, it's perfectly all right, dear. aunt clara's remembered the spell -- i hope. are you sure? positive. oh, i know i'm a little vague at times, but, on the other hand, when i forget something,
that's not quite what i meant, either. go ahead, aunt clara. pinchley, finchley, freckle, toot, frinka, freckle, one to boot. she did it! yeah, how about that? well, we better get jonathan downstairs. you look different. oh, samantha did that. i'm 10 years younger. 10 years younger? [ ding! ] well, those 10 years certainly went by faster than they did the first time around, didn't they?
darrin? darrin? darrin: coming, larry. wow, that was some birthday party. yeah, if that's what it was. what do you mean, if that's what it was? it was? well, i don't know. what was it? darrin: well, here we are. well, i don't mean to be a birthday-party pooper, but i have to get to the airport. just wanted to kiss my little boy goodbye. help yourself, old dad. oh, here you go. so long, slugger. be a good boy. see you tomorrow, mommy. bye, dear.
now he tells us. [???] [whistling] jeannie. jeannie, come on out. jeannie. good morning, master. ah, good morning, jeannie. oh, my, you look handsome this morning. [chuckling] thank you. i'd like to ask a favor of you. oh, thank you, master. you haven't heard what it is. oh, it does not matter. you never give me a chance to do anything for you. oh, well, this is not exactly for me. it's for roger. uh, he's got a birthday coming up next week, and i wanna give him a surprise party. oh, i love surprises.
???] jeannie! jeannie, where are ya? come on. jean-- oh! [laughing] would you mind, please? oh. thanks. well, thank you. thank you very much. i-- i think we'd better think of something a little simpler. oh, yes, master. oh, it must be wonderful to have someone give you a birthday par well, you should know. you must have had hundreds-- thousands of 'em. oh, i have never had a birthday party, master. you haven't had--? well, now, how can that be? i do not know when my birthday is. well, i think that's terrible. well, it is a strange feeling not to know when you were born. it usually does not bother me, but when i see someone else is having a birthday, i... i do wish i knew when mine was.
y don't you celebrate roger's birthday with him. we'll make that your birthday party. oh, no, thank you, master. it would not be the same thing. i would like to have a birthday of my very own. heh. yeah. oh, do not worry about it. forget i ever mentioned-- no, i'm not gonna forget about it. i'm gonna find out when your birthday is. how? uh... you go home and ask your mother. [laughing] oh. well, it was so long ago, master. she may have forgotten. believe me, mothers always remember birthdays. do you really think so? yes. yes. i'll, uh, tell you what you do. you go and find out when your birthday is, you come back and tell me, and i'll give you the biggest and best birthday party anybody ever saw in cocoa beach. oh! you're wonderful, master. [laughing] oh, i am so happy. now, i'm going to be just like everybody else. [chuckling] yes. well, maybe. have a good trip. oh, thank you, master. oh, goodbye, master. goodbye.
[???] [roger sighs] hi, tony. oh, hi, roge. where's, uh...? where's jeannie? jeannie? oh, she went home to her mother. home to her mother? you two quarrel? [chuckling] no, no. she went home to find out when her birthday was. you mean, she doesn't know? no. no. when she gets back and tells me, i'm gonna give her a birthday party she'll never forget. you wanna help me? okay, you pay for the candles, i'll pay for the party.
come in. well, good morning, gentlemen. morning, sir. good morning, sir. well, if, uh, you gentlemen are ready, general peterson's waiting. would you mind telling me what this is all about, sir? not at all. general peterson wants you to meet eric. eric? you mean, this whole room is eric? electronic rapid input computer. this is the fastest computing machine in existence. it can figure out the answer to any question you put to it. i wonder if it can tell me about that redhead i have a date with saturday night? bellows: don't press your luck. i just wanted you both to be aware it's available to help you solve any problems you may run into. here's the control panel. here's the manual. oh, thank you, sir. i'm sure eric's gonna be a great help. if you need this machine, just let me know. i'll have captain reynolds program it for you. yes, sir. five million dollars. how 'bout that, huh? [whistles] ahhh. you little devil. ho, ho, ho. i bet you could tell me about that redhead i have a date with, huh?
now, if eric could give us the ratios on this input chart, we could save about a week's work. well, what'll they think of next? master, i am back. oh, hi, jeannie. hi, jeannie. did you have a nice trip? mm, nice trip, master. did you see your mother? yes, master. how is she? oh, she's fine, thank you. did you find out the day you were born? my mother says i was born in february, master. february? you're an aquarius. uh, what--? what day in february? it does not matter, master. my father says i was born in december he remembers the icicles hanging from the roof. my sister says it was in june because she remembers picking roses to bring to me. our next-door neighbor swears it was in october. oh, it was so long ago, nobody remembers what month it was. you mean, there-- there's no clue at all? well, all anyone is sure of is that the planet neptune was in scorpio when i was born. [chuckles] neptune was in what?
good evening, master. good evening, jeannie. say, i was beginning to worry about you. did you find the records? no, master. the hall of records burned down during the great fire of 64 when rome burned. oh, while nero fiddled. how did you know that? well, never mind. say, jeannie, i'll tell you what. why don't we, um--? why don't we just pick a day and celebrate that as your birthday, hm? i want my own birthday. yeah, well, i know, but when we can't find out what it is, you just have to pick the next best thing. [chuckles] no, master. i do not want the next best thing. i-- i want the best thing. yes, i know, but-- my own birthday. jeannie, look. well, i-- i just can't get it for you, that's all. it's humanly impossible. you are my master. yes. if you cared for me, you would find my birthday. yeah, but how? oh, you will think of something.
[chuckles nervously] how do i get myself into these things? how do i get myself into these things? [knocking on door] come in! hi. oh, hi, tony. what brings you here? i need your help. oh, my help? what, is anything wrong? yeah. jeannie couldn't find the records on her birthday. oh, that's-- that's too bad, tony. she expects me to find out when her birthday was. it was 2000 years ago. well, you came to the right man for advice. you mean, you know what to do? 'course i do. what? lie to her. pick a day out of a hat. she'll never know the difference. i couldn't do that. well, why not? it wouldn't be right. well, if your conscience bothers you, uh, just tell her you picked a day out of a hat. i already did. i gave her your birthday. what did she say? well, she wants her own birthday. now, come on. help me, will you? help you pick out a day that happened 2000 years ago? what do you think i am? eric? [snaps fingers] that's it. what's it? i'm eric? no, eric's gonna help me solve the problem. what are you talking about? i mean, eric only operates if you feed it information,
une was in what, uh--? what--? what--? scorpio? was in scorpio the day she was born. what kind of clue is that? well, it's the only one we've got. neptune's been in scorpio millions of times. well, once, maybe. all right, but we know she was born about 2000 years ago. that narrows it down. oh... yeah. and if general peterson catches us fooling around with that machine, he's gonna narrow us down. it's the only way we're gonna find that date. you with me? okay, i'm with you. boy. well, i guess we sink together. this is wax. i know, they're all wax. [doorbell rings] good morning, roge. i'm afraid you're gonna have to sink without me. what do you mean? can i come in? oh, sure, come on in. [sighs] boy, i couldn't sleep at all last night. i hate to tell you, but i can't go through with this. you can't go through with what? eric! we get caught fooling around with that thing, we're gonna get wiped out.
about that. i know women better than you. what's life and death today will be forgotten tomorrow. yeah, well, i hope you're right. [sighs] [yelps] what are you doing? oh, forgive me, master, but whenever i get unhappy, my powers weaken. yeah, well-- [stammers] that vase cost a lot of-- i paid a lot of money for that. oh, do not worry, master. i will get you another one. what is that? it's a christmas present for dr. bellows. oh, forgive me, master. oh, boy. oh, if you could only find out when my birthday is-- yeah, well, i'm afraid it happened a long time ago, jeannie. we've run into trouble. what--? what are you doing? doing? i-- i don't want to be rude or anything, but, ahem, one of your feet is missing. [yelps] what's happening? tony: what's happening? what's happening? oh, whenever i am very unhappy, i begin to vanish. you vanish?
w,w, don't fade away. this is your master talking. i cannot help it, master. if i am unhappy, i just...fade. well, you get happy, and i mean it. i mean, right now! you think this is the right way to handle this problem? oh, uh-- yeah. yeah, you're absolutely right. let's think of happy things, shall we? oh, yes, yes, master. i do not want to vanish. um, what about the picnic we had? oh, yes, that-- that was a lovely day. remember in the museum when you found your slippers? [laughing] oh, yes! i enjoyed that. [laughing] hey. hey! one of her feet's back. hey, how 'bout that? oh! now, what about the time when the, uh-- when i stuffed the blue djinn in the vacuum cleaner, and you got rid of him, remember? [laughs] yes. oh, that was funny.
[chuckling] yeah. hey, both her feet are back. oh! thank you, master. ha, ha. you just keep thinking happy thoughts, okay? i will. i will. good girl. who needs a birthday anyway? heh. [chuckles] oh, no! nice work, roger. oh, i was only-- i can feel myself vanishing again. hold on, jeannie. i'm afraid i cannot stay if i do not know my birthday. we're gonna find out your birthday. i-- i thought you said there was no way. well-- well, we have a way. jeannie, just hold on. give us a little time. i will try, master. just think about the time-- don't say a word. i was only-- not a word. come on. can i ask you where we're going? to see eric. can i say one word? what's that? help. [clicks]
well, i'm almost through. do you know what you're doing? yeah, i know what i'm doing. i just hope eric knows what he's doing. i'm feeding him the information. we ought to have the answer in a minute. if you ask me, it looks stupid. huh? [shouting] i said, if you ask me, it looks stupid. would you go out and guard the door? two sharp whistles. [whistles twice] right. two. sharp. okay. [whistles once] [blows silently] major healey. [blows air] yes, sir. are you all right? oh, yes, sir. it's a friend of mine that i'm worried about. anyone i know? well, not exactly, sir. you see, i have a 15-year-old cousin, and she fell in love with the milkman. 'course, the family made her stop drinking milk altogether. that became a malnutrition problem. of course, we got-- dr. bellows? oh! well, i think we've done it. do you? yes, yes.
the question is: what are you doing with this machine, major nelson? what machine, sir? that machine. oh, eric. i-- i think of him as human. [whistles twice] thanks a lot, roger. you haven't answered my question. what question was that? what are you doing--? oh, yes. i was feeding it some information. i'm trying to find a certain date. yes, and if he doesn't find the date, a certain thing he's got could disappear. oh, i see. you're computing a launch date. yes, you might say that. is the machine being helpful? i certainly hope so, sir. will be very pleased that you're using it. yes, sir, he's gonna get a real kick out of it. [chuckling] you had no trouble programming it? no, sir. good. well, uh, i'll leave you to your work. thank you, sir. [typing rapidly] oh, no. uh, not now. wow! you're getting a readout. uh-- yes. may i see it? sir? i said, may i see it? i don't think it'll be anything you'd be interested in, sir. oh, i'm fascinated by these machines.
no, no, no. the entire slip. oh, yes. you were born in the year 64 b.c. both [in unison]: sixty-four b.c. what kind of data is that? oh. well, i-- i must have fed it some wrong information. oh. it had a case of indigestion. yes. does it say anything else? yes, it gives a birth date. it does? may i have the date, sir? major nelson, if you think eric is a chinese fortune cookie, you're very much mistaken. in the future, if you want to use this machine, ptain reynolds will program it for you. is that clear? i'll hold those for-- i said, is that clear? yes, yeah-- uh, uh-- would you mind giving me the date, sir? as a matter of fact, i would. now, if you gentlemen are through with your games. gotta do this all over again. major nelson! what is it? major nelson! yes, sir.
yes, sir. sorry, sir. i had it in my hand. i had the date right in my hand. do you understand that? we could've knocked dr. bellows down and taken it away from him. oh, good thinking. [chuckling] yeah, that's great. master, i came to say goodbye. goodbye? you can't go, jeannie. looks like she's half-gone already. oh, i'm sorry, master, but...when i am unhappy, control over this. remember when i found you in the bottle on the beach, and i opened it up and you were so happy? it is no use, master. i am slipping away. remember the time i let you drive my car? remember? do not forget me, master, please. major nelson is using eric to find out somebody's birthday? i was there, sir. why would he do that? i have no idea, general. maybe we should ask eric. what? oh, uh, nothing, sir. oh, um, this is the, um--
st anxious to have it. hm. my mother was born on that day. but, uh, not in 64 b.c. sixty-four b.c.? yes, sir. the person they were looking up was born in that year. sounds to me like eric had a breakdown. that's what they tried to claim. no, general, there's something behind this. for some reason, this date is most important to major nelson. but he didn't say why? uh, no, sir. i told him to stay away from eric, unless captain reynolds was there i want you to rescind that order. but why, sir? let major nelson use the machine any time he wants to, only he'll be watched. that's an excellent idea, sir. he's going to alaska for two weeks. i'll tell him when he returns that eric will be available to him. the next time the machine gives him any information, i want it sent directly to me. i don't want major nelson to see it. hm. amazing. what's amazing?
uh...moonlight ride in the park. a chocolate ice-cream soda. mm. the-- the time you suspended me over the pit of crocodiles. that was funny. that was funny. [both laughing] you remember the time you blinked me to the south pole? [all laughing] you happy now? no, master. [groans] i'm sorry i ever had a birthday. jeannie, have i ever lied to you? yes, master. yeah. well, i'm gonna make you a promise. if you'll just hold on, i'm gonna find your birthday, i will try, master. good girl. you just pop back to your bottle, and i'll see you tonight. yes, master. what's the matter? i'm losing my power. you mean, you can't get out of the office? no. well, you can't stay here. you're not government issue. oh, what should i do? huh? oh, here. get-- get into, uh... get in...here. in here. right in here.
come on. come on. bellows: good afternoon, sergeant. are you feeling better? good. jeannie. jeannie? where are you? jeannie? here i am, master. are you all right, jeannie? i think so. good. you just stay right there. everything's gonna be fine. dr. bellows. how are you? heh. dr. bellows. [chuckles] is your desk all right? oh, yes, yes, fine. [chuckling] yeah. well, you know, a desk is a desk. bellows: yes. uh, i just came in to tell you that when you return from alaska, you can have free access to eric again. oh, oh, that's wonderful, sir. you'll be leaving in the morning, won't you? yes, yes. bellows: they're painting my office, so, uh, while you're gone, if you don't mind, i'll be using this office. oh, good, good. [???] - [narrator] what if you had a medical emergency
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what are we going to do, master? well, we have to find out when your birthday is before dr. bellows moves in. [door opens] hi, tony. hi, roge. brought you a glass of milk and a donut. [chuckling] a glass of milk and a donut? a time like this, you gotta keep up your strength. [tony chuckles] you're right. well, let's get going. roger: get going? where are we going? to see eric. wait a minute. look, i hate to sound like a pessimist, but this whole thing seems like a trap. well, it can't be helped, roger. eric's our only chance. and besides, look at the kid. she's-- she's really fading away. good luck, master. thank you, jeannie. and jeannie... yes? whenever it is,
mm-ah. [???] i'm afraid there's no way to find out. mm-ah. you see, it all happened so long ago, that it's almost impossible-- jeannie! what are you doing? doing? i hate to seem rude, but, uh... one of your feet is missing. [gasps] it is happening. tony and roger: what's happening? whenever i get very unhappy, i begin to vanish. what are you going to do, master? jeannie, you can't stay there. ull yourself together and go on home. i have tried, master. it is no use. oh, i have become so unhappy because i do not know when my birthday is, that i have lost my power. yeah, but-- [door opens] sorry. is, uh, part of jeannie still missing? yeah, i'm afraid so. roger: you know what they say, half a genie is better than none at all. that's what they say. yeah, roger, we've gotta find out when her birthday is. well, back to eric. who is this eric?
did you say you're ready to move in now, sir? well, yes. i'm gonna use your office while they're painting mine. oh, uh, do you really think you'd better? well, you'll be in alaska. is there any reason why i shouldn't use your office? oh, no, no, of course not. no, no. of course not. you can use my office. it has a nice southern exposure. yes. the southern exposure here is just fine, thank you. let me clean out my desk for you. i've got a few-- don't bother.
well... excuse me. oh, uh, do you have a pencil? oh, yes. [babbling] it's no bother, sir. [stammering] oh. here we are. that'll be all, gentlemen. oh, yes, of course, sir. i'll just, uh, pick up some of my personal things. roge. gentlemen? [chuckling] sorry, sir. of course, sir. feel free to use any-- anything in the office.
why don't we go in my office and plan some strategy, okay? look, you can't let dr. bellows stay in your office. he'll find jeannie. i know that. i gotta get him out of there. you know what you need? what? a genie. yeah-- why don't we go over to the computer and find out jeannie's birthday, huh? i'm afraid you'll have to do it alone, roge. i gotta think of a way of keeping dr. bellows busy. well, how? i don't know how. i'll think of something. while you're thinking, why don't i have eric figure out jeannie's birthday? she'll get happy, her powers will come back and all of our troubles will be over. you know how to work that machine? there's only one thing: we don't have enough information to feed it. well, it gave us the date before. yeah, but we don't know if the dates are correct. what we need is more facts. facts? her own mother doesn't even remember her birthday. how are we gonna come up with any information? ah, that's it. that's it. astrology. astrology? astrology. astro-- i don't believe in astrology. i don't even believe in genies.
i'd do anything in the world for her. this is your only chance. all right, all right, how could it help? all right. different people were born in different months with different characteristics, right? we have to find out jeannie's characteristics, feed them to the machine, and we come up with her birthday. [laughing] that's the most ridiculous thing i ever heard of. i mean, even if i went along with you on this, where would we find a book on astrology at nasa? now, don't laugh. astrology for you. tony, it'll work. now, we know jeannie was born in 64 b.c. have to do is feed her characteristics to the machine. and the fact that neptune was in scorpio when she was born, we'll come up with the whole thing. all right, we'll do it. and you know why? why? because i'm desperate. i'm telling you, it'll work. it's a cinch. now, all we have to do is program her personality. how would you describe jeannie? what do you mean? nice, funny, happy? oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. uh, stubborn. she's stubborn. she's stubborn. she's imprac-- i better write this down. yes, stubborn's good. that's a good start.
impractical. now, she's impulsive. impulsive. warm-hearted. warm-hearted. yeah. generous. very generous. generous, yes. very generous. sentimental. loyal. loyal's good. um, she's, uh...friendly. friendly. and beautiful. scratch beautiful. why? i think she's beautiful. don't you? to you, she may be beautiful, but not to eric. huh? to him, beautiful is another machine that looks just like him. well, that oughta do it. i'll get back to dr. bellows. yeah, you sure you can handle this, huh? yeah. can you? good luck. oh, hello, sir. is everything all right?
uh, do you find the office comfortable? oh, it's just fine, major. uh, was that all? no, sir. i'd like to speak to you, please. well, could it wait until a little later? i-- i'm in the middle of a report that general peterson's-- it's urgent, sir. i feel it's really quite urgent. oh? sit down. if you don't mind, i'd rather lie down. what's your problem? well, it all started when i was a small boy. "mischievous... and optimistic." ah, there, that should do it. now, eric, you've got to come through for us, eric. i've never asked you to do any favors before. okay? and so, in less than a year, i collected 33 dogs,
and a milk cow. that's the most amazing thing i've ever heard. um, where do you keep all these animals, major? oh, in-- in barns mostly. why, that's amazing. is it? oh, yeah. we're really onto something. where you going, doctor? well, i've got to start writing this up. i haven't told you about the fish. fish? yes. fine machine you are. figure out a date that happened 2,000 years ago. jeannie was born-- oh, oh, we did it. we did it! oh, i'm so happy, i'll kiss you. i sure hope you're a girl machine. well, that's what happened to me. that's not so unusual, major. and then it started talking to me.
i mean it talked. what did it say? well, it had this high, squeaky, little voice, and it said-- it said-- [door opens] roger: tony! major healey. oh, dr. bellows. i'm busy, major healey. oh, sorry, just came in to wish someone a happy birthday. oh, you found somebody's birthday? certainly did. tony: wonderful. i'm just as sentimental as the next man, major healey, but i'm in the middle of a psychoanalysis. would you mind closing the door behind you as you leave? r. your dream? yes, oh, didn't i tell you? that was a dream i had last night. you mean, you don't have a compulsion to steal animals? well, no, sir. i mean, i love animals, but i certainly wouldn't go around stealing them. not tony. a dream? well, excuse me, stay right here. yes. i'll be right back. i did it! i did it! i'm proud of you. oh, eric and i are probably
annie, did you hear that? we found your birthday. oh, yes, master. i am so happy. [laughing] oh! oh, master, look, look! oh, my feet are back, my feet are back. oh, i am so happy. oh, thank you, major healey, thank you. well, it's really nothing, jeannie. it's just, uh-- are you sure there's no mistakes? mistake? eric and i never make mistakes. give us the date. this will kill you. it was so obvious. when is my birthday, major healey? all right, i'll give you a clue. uh, the month is in the title of a popular song. ugh! roge, there's a lot of months in the title of songs. yeah. okay, i'll give you another clue. uh, it's my favorite month of the year. tony: that's all very well, but i don't know your favorite month of the year. now, come on, stop horsing around and give us the date. well, look, i spent a lot of time looking for this. i mean, i got a right to tell it to you slowly. ooh, major healey! all right, i'll give you another clue.
roger, if you don't give us the date, your grandfather is gonna have a grandson that was murdered on this date. i am dying to know. okay, boy, you're gonna love your birthday. i wish i was born on this date. what is it? uh, jeannie's birthday is-- when is it? what--? what--? oh, uh, general peterson. tony, you were scheduled to go on a survival mission to alaska. yes, sir, i'll be ready in a few minutes. i'm changing your orders. what for, sir? dr. bellows tells me you're in the middle of some therapy. therapy? oh, no, sir. i was just telling him about a dream i had last night. it's not just an ordinary dream, major. that dream is gonna prove to be the key to your whole problem. you'll be going in tony's place. me? a survival mission to alaska? peterson: that's right. there's a b-57 waiting for you on the field. you mean, we're leaving right away? right now! well, he can't leave right now, sir. may i have a word with him alone? there isn't time.
look, i-- i know you're upset, you tricked me. i do not believe major healey knows when my birthday is. now, tell the truth. now, listen, that'll be enough of that, young lady. i'll tell you, i'm not gonna stand for any of this-- i should never have listened to you. you lied to me. admit it. now, knock that off. it isn't my fault roger likes to play games. [bleating] both you and major healey deceived me.
someone who will care about me. jeannie, please, would you stop just a minute and listen to me? i wasn't lying to you. we did find out when your birthday is. ah, then when is it? major healey knows. now, now, please, he'll be back in two weeks. i cannot wait two weeks! oh, i would like to turn major healey into a... a mosquito and put him into a pond full of frogs. you know, that's one of the best ideas you ever had. oh. don't be unhappy, jeannie. just be patient, hm? oh, it is not easy, master. i know. well, now, please don't do that again. please don't do that again. i got something in my eye. huh, oh, let me see. now, look up. all right, look down. i am sorry if i was difficult, master. oh, that's all right. i understand. [phone rings]
ere. roger: hello, tony? oh, hi, roge. you see, our problems are solved. oh! i only got a minute. we're going out on a mission. yeah, but jeannie's pretty anxious about this, roge. yeah, i can imagine. it was funny what happened, wasn't it? ha, ha. roger, unless you're eager to become a mosquito in a pond of frogs, you better give me the date. is it a good month, master? i don't know. he hasn't told me yet. listen, jeannie's gonna love her birthday. remember the clue? i said the month was in a song title? ooh, when is my birthday, master? when is my birthday? oh, hold on a minute, will ya? roger! roger! oh. you still there? yeah, and it's my favorite month of the year. never mind all that. just tell me the date. well, here it is: jeannie's birthday is-- major, major, everything is ready, let's go. yeah, look, i gotta go now. all right, i'll see you in a couple of weeks.
he's done it again. ooh! now, what are you gonna do? i am going to blink major healey here. yeah, well, you can't do that. watch me, master. no, i know you can, jeannie, but you mustn't. now, he's on a very important mission. you mustn't pull him off of it. i want to know when i was born. well, he'll be back in two more weeks. two whole weeks. look, you haven't known what your birthday is for 2,000 years. a few days is not gonna make that much difference. huh? please. very well, master. [laughing] good girl. i'm gonna give you a birthday party. but you do not know when my birthday is. well, it doesn't matter. you can consider this one kind of a-- a pre-birthday party, hm? oh, that is a lovely idea. when shall we have it? well, um, tonight. oh, it will be the first birthday party i have ever had. whom shall we invite? yeah, that kind of presents a problem, doesn't it? oh, what problem, master? well, for one thing, my friends don't know about you, so i can't ask them.
it'll just be the two of us. jeannie, we'll have a birthday cake, and we'll have presents and-- i guarantee you, it'll feel like a party. whatever you say, master. good, good. well, i gotta get going. i'll be back about 6:00. oh, where are you going? to think up some more dreams for dr. bellows. jeannie! oh, jeannie! jeannie? good evening, master. oh. do you like my pre-birthday dress? oh, it's beautiful. oh, thank you. leonardo da vinci designed it. [laughing] yeah. who else? oh, here. oh, master. i am going to cry. we got champagne, and we have caviar...
oh, i am so excited. oh, and it was such a surprise. how did you know that i wanted a birthday party? psychic, i guess. oh, you are the most wonderful master a genie ever had. well, i haven't had too much experience with this, jeannie, but you're the most wonderful genie a master ever had. oh. here. [gasps] oh, oh, it is lovely. oh, master, thank you. a little genie bottle. thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. i wish we could have a lot of people at the party. would you? [laughing] whee!
oh, these are just a few of my friends. oh, this is major nelson. thank you. benjamin franklin. how do you do, sir? cleopatra. how do you do? have you seen mark anthony? well, not lately. excuse us, please. this is major nelson, marie antoinette. how do you do? william shakespeare. how do you do, sir? you remind me of my old friend, yorick. alas, poor yorick. i knew him well. romeo and juliet. it was? oh, well, hamlet, romeo... when you've written one, you've written them all. yes. [laughing] [screaming] henry, behave yourself. oh, that is perfectly normal behavior. this is major nelson. uh, sigmund freud. oh, how do you do, sir?
uh... i hope you do not mind, master. mind? of course not. this is wonderful. oh, then i do not have to send them away? oh, no, no, of course-- oh, there is somebody i would like to see here. [door opens] um, jeannie? jeannie, don't leave me here with all these people. major nelson? oh, dr. bellows. how are you, sir? i wasn't expecting you. aren't you, uh--? benjamin franklin. oh, yes. well-- marie antoinette. and isn't this william shakespeare? , he's not really the real william-- oh, and aren't you king henry viii? oh, uh, mr. shakespeare? i've enjoyed your work. thank you. and, uh, who are you supposed to be? i am dr. sigmund freud. oh, i am a psychiatrist too. hm, well, uh, enjoy your party, major.
[grunts] jeannie. je-- is everything all right, master? nothing is all right. do you know how close i came to getting thrown out of the space program? oh, i am sorry, master. you're sorry. listen, get rid of these people. but you just said that-- yeah, i know, but get rid of them. oh. wait a minute. wait a minute. all except dr. freud. um, oh, doctor? may i see you for just a moment, sir? uh, you see, i have a little problem, and seeing you're here, i might as well use your talents. i, uh-- i'm an astronaut. and one day, i landed on this-- this-- well, this deserted island, and i picked up a genie out of a bottle, and ever since, i--
it's not every day a guy gets to chat with cleopatra and henry viii and sigmund freud, huh? it was a lovely party, was it not, master? well, that it was. i can hardly wait for major healey to return, so that i can find out when my real birthday is. hm. oh! it is so exciting to think that from now on, i am going to have a birthday just like everyone else. yeah, that's right. each year i am going to be a year older. that's right. a year older. oh, oh. [yelps] master, look. hm? look, look, right there, right there. there is a wrinkle. right-- no, no, there. oh, that's not a wrinkle. that's not a wrinkle, jeannie. it certainly is a wrinkle. that was not there yesterday. i am getting old and wrinkled. oh, do you realize that every year i am going to be a year older? oh, if i had known that having a birthday was going to be like this, i would have never have allowed you to find out when my real birthday is.
why did you allow me to do this? you are my master. you were supposed to take care of me. after all, i'm only a genie... oh, doggone it! hello there, mr. drucker. good morning. good morning. what are you looking for? my hammer. why do you keep it in the pickle barrel? well, i don't-- shouldn't you keep it in the hammer barrel? what's a hammer barrel? it's like a pickle barrel, but for hammers. there's no such thing. oh! the carpenters are having a ball. are we going to go? well, i-- got it! my bowling trophy. well, if you folks would like to go, uh, ralph monroe left some tickets here. she's chairman of the entertainment committee. oh, that sounds like a lot of fun.