tv CBS Weekend News CBS November 13, 2016 6:30pm-7:00pm EST
a new friend you might never have met or even recognized in a place called evening shade. you better eat fast, mr. mayor. that crazy stonewall abbott called here for you. i never realized that the hardest part about being a mayor is hiding from the voters. honey, you had to shut stonewall down. it was one thing when he used to set off fireworks every night from his back porch, but now he's blowing up cars? to file that complaint. the man's a public nuisance. although i have to admit, the way that el camino went up was pretty cool. i like exploding vehicles as much as anyone, but livin' next door to him has made my pet chinchillas so nervous, that their hair is comin' out in clumps. there's nothing more pitiful than a bald chinchilla.
is used to gettin' his own way. you're the first mayor to tell him "no" instead of "no problem." all part of my master plan on not bein' reelected. push, candy, push! well, mr. stonewall abbott. what brings you here? this beautiful nurse, you imbecile. actually, she's not a real nurse. yed one in a movie. park it over here, honey. ha ha! if you're going for the handicapped spaces, you gotta go the whole nine yards! what are you doing out in the daylight? i thought you'd be hanging upside down in a cave somewhere. well, little woody newton. small-town boy makes mediocre. or should i be saying now... mr. mayor?
is that what they used to call you? oh, that's so cute. your honor. you can call me anything you like, but you have torched your last toyota. oh, yeah? yeah. oh, yeah? yeah. what if i get dr. doolittle here to withdraw his complaint? never! ha ha! you've ruined the tranquility of my home, i'll give you $500. i heard that. if you got a hardboiled egg in your pocket, i'll raise it to $1,000. shoot! oh! well, you got $500, and i'll even throw in $500 for your worthlessness. that's double what i paid the last mayor, and he knew how to load a mortar. you can't buy me at any price.
to say no to you, but i'm not. oh, wood, you're just like gary cooper in high noon. except that right now, it's only 10:45. little woody's in town... and i'm takin' away all your firepower. ( in old man voice ) ooh. i'm so scared. you can have all my firepower... over my dead body. i can't believe he's dead. i can't believe we went to the funeral. it was a very beautiful service. i'm just sorry i was sittin' next to that cannon blast
merleen. what?! i'm not goin' down this road with you again, merleen. what?! i've gotta admit, stonewall made a heck of an exit. dressing up like uncle sam, getting into a 1956 lincoln continental and blowing himself up all over harlan's yard. let's face it. the man knew how to party. l tell you something. this is just unbelievable. what landed in your yard? oh, just a little piece of his dashboard. what's really exciting is he made me executor of his will. well, that proves that the guy's nuts! mean, hateful, deceitful-- and he left you $1 million. ...and a big heart...
man: ? got my front porch swing ? ? a glass of lemonade ? ? a baby on my knee ? ? i think i got it made ? ? you'd best be believin' ? ? i'm never leavin' evening shade ? ? they got ten-cent stores ? ? no locks on the doors ? ? and everybody knows your name ? ? they got sunday school ? ? the golden rule ? ? is slower than molasses ? ? and you can't help but smile ? ? lyin' in the shade ? ? so come on down ? ? and you'll be glad you stayed ? ? don't talk about leavin' ? ? i'm never leavin' evening shade ?
i still can't believe it! i mean, the guy hated my guts. he gave me a million dollars! maybe it was because... in some strange way, his hatred of your guts gave him a reason to live. well, whatever the reason, he does mention you specifically. it says right here: aseous piss ant, little woody newton..." "i leave $1 million." see, wood, he did care about you. it's not fair! i'm the one who filed a complaint against him. he should hate me more, and that money should be mine! i'm sorry, harlan. this will is legal. so the money's mine. i mean, wood's. actually, the money ain't anybody's yet. hmm?
what? mr. abbott left five envelopes. coach. mm-hmm. accordin' to this will, you gotta open each one of these envelopes and do what's inside in order to earn the $1 million. earn? what is this earn stuff? oh, this is exciting. it's like gettin' the publisher's clearinghouse letter. only from the great beyond. herman, the man is dead. now that money is mine. open that envelope! i can't open it. you have to open the envelopes. the will states, too, that you have to follow the instructions to the letter, and if you fail to do that in any one of these envelopes, you forfeit the entire $1 million. that's ridiculous! can he do that? honey, stonewall can do whatever he wants. that's why it's called his will. yeah, and as his legal executor, it's my duty and responsibility
to the "t." yeah, what's in it for you, boy? $500. come on, let's open the first envelope and see what wood has to do, because we could really use some new carpeting upstairs. some pearls wouldn't kill me, either. "greetings from the afterlife. "if you're reading this, i'm dead. "but i still don't like you. so if you want the money, you're gonna have to earn it." there's that word again...earn. wait a minute. there's no way that i will be doing these things! come on, honey. come on, it'll be fun. no, it won't be fun. you just want the pearls. no, it's more than the pearls. if you do this little thing, it's a college education for our kids. it's paying off the mortgage. it's a '57 t-bird convertible
( clucking like chicken ) woodrow. now you know how much i love money. i draw the line at clucking like a chicken. oh, hey, who are you kidding, harlan? stonewall could have you rollin' around in shake and bake and still get change back from his dollar. open envelope number two before i peck your eyes out. hurry! all right, all right. oh, honey, come on. this is even funnier than the first envelope. i'm sorry, but it is. you ready? "you said you were the one person in town who wasn't chicken. "well, guess again, henny penny.
"in which case you must cluck like a million dollars depended on it... 'cause it does." what?! wood. ( clucks ) this is rich. i mean, after all those years of lookin' like a jackass, i think it's kinda wonderful to see you move on to another animal. looks like old stonewall's got you by the mcnuggets. oh, honey, years from now, you're gonna look back on this and laugh. oh, she's right. don't you think so, wood? ( loud squawk) there you are, mr. mayor. the city council is voting today on whether to remodel the library, and i know our readers would love to know which side of the fence their distinguished mayor is sitting on. wood.
well, i always knew it was only a matter of time before this happened. would you like to move back home, darling? no, daddy. you see, the problem is that wood... ( clucks ) oh, i'm sorry, honey. the problem is that my husband has to cluck like a chicken whenever anyone says his name. otherwise, he's not gonna get stonewall abbott's money. is that a fact? well, i hate to take advantage of a man who will do anything for money, but, uh, i always wondered, is this table... ...wood? ( cluck ) you're right. that is fun. ah, forget the library. i think i just found tomorrow's lead story. i've never been so humiliated in my life!
well, folks, i hold in my hands the third envelope. "hey, chicken lips. "it's me, your favorite dead person. "by now, my lawyers have sent your new partner his first letter." new partner? what new partner? can he do that? it's his will, honey. he can do whatever he wants. "if the two of you complete the rest of the envelopes, you'll each get half a million dollars." half a million dollars?! half?! i...i clucked all over town! i wanna be a millionaire. who is this guy? i don't know. the note doesn't say who it is. look at it this way, though: whoever it is, he's not gonna be brave enough
? i am a pretty little dutch girl ? ? as pretty as pretty can be ? ? and all the boys in the neighborhood ? ? are crazy over me ? ponder, what are you doing runnin' around with shelley winters? i am only here to verify that harlan completes his task. however, for the $,1000 they're giving me, i would be glad to strap on that dress. ? i am... ? hold it just a second. how come you're gettin' $1,000 if i'm only gettin' $500? can he do that? let me try this in a different language. s?. got it. now open the fourth envelope. because it can't get... any uglier than this. ? i am a pretty little dutch girl ? ? as pretty as pretty can be ?
hey, you know, you were great, dad. not a lot of guys can get away with an outfit like that without gettin' beat up by a bunch of other guys. it doesn't get any better than this, does it? sitting around in your own home with your dress on, having your children laugh at you. i thought that poultry stunt was a good story, but i may have to run a full-color supplement for this. you do what you want. i'm a full-figured gal, and i'm proud of it. well, i think you're both charming, and if you don't collect the full million, then you made $35 in tips. i still don't understand why you get $1,000 and i only get 500. will you let it go? it's easy for you to say let it go. you're the one makin'' $500 more than i am. and since i have to listen to you, i'm earning every penny of it. oh, be quiet. we opened that last envelope.
put it in the vcr. you put it in the vcr. you're the one gettin' 500 more dollars. oh, give me the tape, you big baby. you big bossy. hello. if you are watching this tape, and you want wood and harlan to get their million dollars, please turn around and look behind you now! now turn back. ha, i gotcha! fast forward to the part where we get the money. fast forward. if you're thinking about fast forwarding this, i warn you...don't, because then you will miss seeing me do this... i kill myself. but before i do that, ponder, you are now making $1,200.
that's not fair. now, herman, quit whining about that, or you'll end up owing me money. oh, speaking about money, your, uh, $1 million... is on my desk here in this second-floor study. just get beyond my security system, and it's all yours. okay, let's go get our money. first, let me get out of my dress and put a pair of pants on. now, if you'll excuse me, i'll go and blow myself up in a lincoln continental. damn! i wish it was the fourth of july! come on, woodrow. if i can do it, you can do it. the only reason you're up there, harlan, is 'cause ponder and i shoved your big, fat butt
i could've gotten us in here in a minute. wood: or we could try the knob. ponder: so much for his security system. herman: sh! be quiet. wait, guys, guys. hold it. my flashlight isn't workin'. i'm gonna run outside and see if i can find some oily rags or something to make some torches. ponder: or we can turn on the light. this is the desk, so let's get our moolah and slip back down. or in your case, plummet. hold that. it's very thin. there better be two $500,000 bills in here. it is not. it's another note.
all: yes. "well, i was wrong. it's on top of the chandelier." can he do that? all: yes! all right, spot me, boys. i'm goin' up. harlan, harlan. don't stop me. don't stop me! that's a chandelier, not a suspension bridge. i'll do it. now listen. 000 here, because i'm workin' without a net. hey, you know something? i don't see any envelope up there. coach, do you see an envelope on your side? you gotta... ( screaming )
are you okay? coach, coach. hey, are you hurt? why would i be hurt? i only flew 20 feet through the air and crashed through a glass door and landed on my head. get away. i'm a doctor. he's fine. did you get the money? thank you for your concern. the envelope was underneath him. an envelope?! ah, to hell with it! i say we back a truck up to the house and steal all the stuff! "i'm not promising anything, but try the safe behind my portrait." must be... "the combination of the safe is 36-24-36, which is also the combination to my nurse candy." 38-26... no, 36-24-36. ( loud ticking ) this is a very expensive timex or it's a bomb. well, i...i got a watch.
you know something? dollar for dollar, i'd have to say this whole adventure hasn't quite been worth it. here, you hold it. now, if this really is a bomb, woodrow, you should hold it very, very carefully and perfectly still... sure. while i get the hell outta here. not so fast! there's another envelope. well, give it to woodrow. wait a minute! can he do that? my god! he's still alive! very good, herman. that's why you make the little bucks. dr. bray said you were dead. some doctors will do anything for money. that's a point. now you're gonna get your butt kicked! woodrow, kick his butt.
wow, you really must've landed on your head. stonewall was tryin' to teach us a lesson... a very valuable lesson. you can't put a price on your dignity. specially if you don't get the cash out front. what are you talkin' about? that man just made you look like a cluckin' idiot. no, i did that. i did it myself. we all did it ourselves for one reason: greed. you know, the great teacher in life is humiliation. we all graduated with honors. but you've also been a very good sport. so, candy, let's show them what they have won. it's rice-a-roni, the san francisco treat!
( all exclaiming ) it's pay day! to be donated to a charity of your choice. well, that's okay. i understand the high school needs an electric scoreboard. you could do that and have enough cash left over to fix a game or two. herman: electric scoreboard? hey, guys, i'm not gonna have to climb up and down that ladder anymore. one condition, however. to get the money, you must earn it. earn it! ( hawaiian music playing ) come on, herman. show some leg. whoo! ( hooting and applause ) well, stonewall, i'm beginning to appreciate what makes you tick. friendship and dignity are two things that even money can't buy,
from a place called evening shade. woman: ? set in my ways ? losing track of the days ? ? never getting caught up ? ? love was never brought up ? ? it's not the thing to do ? both: ? ooh ? it was you ? then came you ? you made me leap without taking a look ? ? never thought forever was the best i could do ? ? then came you ? it was you and me and you ? ? then came you ? it was you and me and you ? ? then came you smoked oysters. why do we always have to have smoked oysters? what's wrong with smoked oysters? look at them. they're small, gray, and fishy, like my aunt melina.