ute, inc. ? donny hathaway: ? lady godiva was a freedom rider ? women: ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she didn't care if the whole world looked ? ? joan of arc with the lord to guide her ? ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she was a sister who really cooked ? ? ooh ooh... ? ? isadora was the first bra burner ? ? ain't you glad she showed up? ? ? oh, yeah ? ? and when the country was fallin' apart ? got it all sewed up ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's ? ? that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? ? it's impossible ? ? for maude findlay to go braless ?

evening, maude. oh, hi, honey. ( clucking ) sweetheart, i haven't seen you all day. don't i rate a kiss? not now, maude. ever since lunch, i've had a caraway seed stuck in my-- in my back tooth that's driving me crazy. where's the dental floss? you know, i can never find anything in that cabinet. honey, it's on the right-hand side. i always very carefully put everything pertaining to dental hygiene in the same place. since when? since the morning you gargled with my lydia pinkham. oh, and honey--honey, would you hurry it up? arthur's dropping by and i invited barry over for cocktails. barry? barry witherspoon? not barry witherspoon. you can't mean barry witherspoon, maude, not again, not again! i knew you'd be pleased. that conceited, pompous windbag is coming over again tonight?

she's gone to the dog show with her dog, chuck since when does she enter chuck in dog shows? she doesn't, dear. chuck likes to watch. leave it to vivian to have a wire-haired voyeur. that's where i should go. i'd rather watch a bunch of dogs sitting and heeling than listen to barry. idea, walter. maybe you'll learn how to roll over and play dead. i tell ya, i'd get a lot more sleep that way. d never have to go through another evening with that egotistical know-it-all. "know-it-all?" walter, the man has just written a best-selling novel. it's only a best seller in tuckahoe, and that's because you personally nagged half the town into buying his lousy book. walter, you are a small man, a very small man. you are an american bonsai. it just so happens that barry is a fascinating human being, and you would know that

instead of those dumb sports articles. they are not dumb! huh? "joe namath tells "how to make love with your helmet on." he got five commercials that way, maude. and two bad knees. you do all this research on a perfect car, then smash it into a tree. your insurance company raises your rates. maybe you should've done for drivers with accident forgiveness, liberty mutual won't raise your rates due to your first accident. and if you do have an accident, our claims centers are available to assist you 24/7. call for a free quote today. liberty stands with you?.

you know, walter, there is such a simple way of using dental floss. it really amazes me that you don't know how. yeah? okay, maude, how? you'll find a needle in my sewing box. now, string the dental floss through he eye of the needle

you want your glasses, walter, or does crossing your eyes turn you on? i can see it. i can see it! now what? all right, now, put two fingers of your left hand inside you mouth. now hold the needle with your right hand. now stick the needle in your right ear. carefully pass it down the ear canal. very funny, maude! you see, walter, i did that deliberately. now, that was far more vicious than anything barry's ever done, and you don't hate me. you love me. right, walter? ( gargling ) ( phone ringing ) hello? oh, hi, barry. ( gargling continues ) what? you're going to be a little late? no, that's all right. i--i--actually i invited dr. harmon over for cocktails.

, then i thought that just you, walter, and i would go out for dinner. ( gargling gets louder ) uh, look, barry, i'm sorry. what you hear is walter's famous imitation of jacques cousteau getting the bends. walter, please! i can't hear over that racket! yeah, hello again. ( coy ) oh, barry... ( laughing ) barry! ( loudly gargling ) god will get you for that, walter. ( coughing ) barr'? yeah, listen, don't worry. i promise you we'll just have a very quiet evening. okay, bye-bye. maude, we are not having dinner with that guy tonight. i told you i can't stand him. guy gets some special pleasure

like last time, in front of everybody, giving me that lecture on the difference between "infer" and "imply," as if i didn't know. come on, now, walter. he just gets impatient with ninnies who constantly misuse those words. are you inferring i'm a ninny? of course not, sweetheart. i'm implying you're a ninny. you were inferring. oh, another thing, walter, you don't have to worry about having dandruff on your tonsils. how you doing, dr. harmon? carol. what have you got there? oh, this is mr. witherspoon's novel. ( chuckles ) i see you're reading it to, carol. i wanna see if i can get him to sign my copy. i collect autographs, too. my prize is sigmund freud. you really met freud? met him? he was my analyst.

but i live by one rule in life-- never trust a doctor who has a couch in his office. okay, walter, go ahead. maude. go ahead, go ahead. leave me with a house full of people. you just go ahead. maude, i am, i am. i definitely am! i'm not going to spend another evening with barry witherspoon. that's it! for heaven's sake, walter, what cou be wrong with spending an evening with a famous author like barry witherspoon? you know, last week he had his picture in the women's wear daily. walter, that was a prejudiced remark. oh, what are you talking about? oh, come on, walter. didn't you hear yourself? the reason you dislike barry is because, subconsciously you resent the fact that he's ( whispering ) a homosexual. i don't resent anyone being a homosexual. neither do i. i adore gay people.

than bullfighters. what i do resent is your accusation. wait a minute, wait a minute. you mean this witherspoon is, uh... yes, but that has nothing to do with anything. once you get to know him, you'll love him. can't we just be friends? you see, walter, i can expect a remark like that from arthur, but you, i mean i-- i'm shocked to find out that you have a hang-up. what are you talking about? oh, come on, walter, you're ill, ill! outside you're mr. nice guy, and inside, super-jock. i resent that. what a terrible thing to say! what's all the fuss about? just because a man's homosexual? we think quite highly of them in england.

mrs. naugatuck, i just hate remarks like that. i'm beginning to realize i am the only person here who is not prejudiced. mother, you can't say that about me. i dated a guy that was gay. really? why? he was a marvelous dancer, and he did my hair for half price. carol! you said it anyway-- oh, carol, don't you understand you put homosexuals in a different category. well, at least i don't do that. it doesn't make any difference to me what a person is. although, i'm not surprised about this witherspoon. after all, he's a writer. oh, and all authors are homosexual, right arthur? i suppose eugene o'neill was gay. oh, that's different. he was irish. what has being irish got to do with it?! are you trying to tell me

i don't believe this. oh, that's because the notre dame football team is polish. you know--you see you all have problems. to me, barry witherspoon is just a sensitive, warm human being. and now, so far as i'm concerned, i would just like to drop the entire conversation. sure you would. the only reason you're so friendly with him is--is because barry is your personal homosexual. you're prejudiced in reverse! you're not serious, walter. of course, why didn't i think about it before? some people show off their new cars or their new house. you show off barry. walter, that's hilarious. oh, walter... stop laughing, maude. maude, you know i hate it when you laugh like that. oh, honey, i'm sorry. this is the first good laugh i've had

and you said, "thank god, now we'll get straight talk." maude, you know that i am right. about you and barry. he's your proof that you're the big liberal, completely unbiased. come on, walter. are you actually inferring that i'm that shallow? no. you're inferring. i'm implying. that's what is so petty about you, walter. you learn one dumb thing and then you laud it over everyone. i reserve the right to dislike any person, gay or not. when he's a rotten human being. i mean, just because carol, arthur, and mrs. naugatuck have a hang-up, that doesn't mean-- they have a hang-up?! ( shouting over each other ) what are you talking about?

shh... no, i'm gonna finish... ( muted bickering ) not another word about this. you hear me? not another word tonight, and i mean that, d especially omwalt barry, darling. mau. oh boy, what a day. i can't tell you how i've been looking forward to a nice, quite evening with friends. would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more. like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day.

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the chairperson opened the meeting by singing, ? when the moon comes over the mountain ? she was 5'2" and had a 63" chest, and she could really project. she had to, to get the moon over those mountains.

very funny. i heard that joke back in the third grade. oh? you got that far? i may not have as much education as you, barry buddy, but i learned it all out there, where it counts. i know, in the school of hard knocks. maude. walter. hey gang, before i forget, i wanna get a picture of all of us together, to hang on my celebrity wall in my rumpus room. three of his patients who survived. ...maudie, i have, uh, andy granatelli and dr. jonas salk's nephew in a bathing suit. mrs. naugatuck. mrs. naugatuck: you called, sir? would you help us take a picture, please? would i? i'll be delighted. come on now, walter, nobody loves a party pooper. and you can just look through that little opening there. please, you're talking to the person

mrs. naugatuck, he invented the telephone. of course, so he could call me up and tell me how to use the camera. woo hoo hoo hoo... now, would everybody group in front of the bar there, altogether. that's it. no, that's not right. eh, mrs. findlay, would you mind changing over with, uh, carol, please. and doctor, yes? would you mind changing with mr. findlay? i wanted to stand-- no, that side. oh, arthur, that's all right. he'll autograph it. no, eh--eh, that's not right either. uh, would you all go back to your original positions? uhh... mrs. naugatuck: yes, that's it there. the tall one must be in the middle. eh, mrs. findlay, would you mind-- mrs. naugatuck, will you get on with it?! oh, all right. no need to get snippy. now, there-- now, wait a minute, 'ere.

and--and the gentlemens, would you squeeze in just a little bit more? oh, come on, walter. how's this? don't worry, walter. i never make passes at men with mustaches. ha ha ha ha, barry, ha ha ha... oh, you got the dorothy parker reference-- well, of course i did. heaven, i loved it. didn't you, walter? no, i didn't. uch a bad mood? oh, you hit a sore point with his mustache. it's molting. walter, what is the matter with you? barry was just making a little joke! i have made dozens of jokes about your mustache. you just don't like it coming from barry because of what he is. i have nothing against what he is, and you know it. please, walter, you cannot stay here in--in the kitchen. what will i tell barry? tell him i'm whipping up a batch of fudge. that is not-- not funny, walter.

oh, mrs. naugatuck, bug off! no respect for the photographer. a female frank sinatra, you are. now, look, walter, we both know what is bothering you. look, maude, if you tell me one more time what's-- walter-- listen, maude, i'm not going to go out there and get insulted again. look, i promise you, walter, everything will be all right. listen, i give you my solemn oath, he will not insult you again, my solemn oath, walter. ( sighs ) ( camera snaps ) good. thank you, very much. barry... barry, i'm... sorry i behaved so bad. badly, walter. should've remember that even in the school of hard knocks. that does it! i don't want a cheese doodle, maude! barry: don't talk with your mouth full. it's impolite. come on, put up your dukes! please, arthur. oh, this is gonna be a good one. please, no more pictures! i'm so sorry.

you'll be knocked out by a sissy. arthur, will you leave me alone?! arthur, leave. it's time for you to leave. if anybody wants a doctor, i'll be at the dog show. carol! yes, mother. upstairs! ( coughs ) will you come up later and tuck me in? up! listen to me, walter. you know what i think. no, what do you think?! oh, i think i'll go back into the kitchen walter, you've been trying to make a fool of yourself all night. you might as well finish the job. barry, i'm gonna throw you out of my house, but only because i don't like you as a person. i can understand that. you can? well, of course he understands, walter. you're so obvious. it's not that, maude. hey, wait a minute, calm down, you two. look, walter.

i tend to pick on you because you're so defensive, but it's part of my charm. ( maude laughs ) barry, you're such a rascal. maude has been helping me with my book. we're together so much. we like each other so much. this was bound to happen. wait a minute, barry. what was bound to happen? it's a classic case. the jealous husband. ( together ) "the jealous husband?" yes, i fill a need in her that you can't possibly fill. you're afraid that i'm-- for want of better words-- her intellectual lover. i have a little corner of your wife. of course, of course, that's it, walter. you're jealous. oh, i love you. maybe i am.

oh, honey, honey, you are jealous. but you silly billy, this is all so unnecessary. i mean, imagine being jealous of barry. what's so funny, maude? i mean, you and me, both-- i wish i was dead. were dead, maude. and as far as our relationship goes, that could be the ca. maude: oh, now, come on, barry. you know i didn't mean that. barry, you know me. i don't have a biased bone in my body. that's right. they're all in your head. oh, maude. you know, it's not walter. it's you. you're just another one of those guilt-ridden liberals that can't enjoy anything.

m getting angry now. you're getting angry-- yes, you're darn right i'm getting angry! you call yourself my friend. you've known me all these months. now you tell me that i have a hang-up about your homosexuality? well, let me tell you something, mary--uh, barry. maude, about the hang-up you don't have, let it bother the hell out of you. oh, oh, walter... oh, i am so humiliated. oh, walter, what have i done? walter, what have i done? just one thing, darling. you've learned that we all have biases,

and deal with them as good as we can. as well as we can, walter. underneath, i know i am a tolerant person. you are. you just have a little hang-up. but sweetheart, you have less hang-ups than anyone i know. oh, walter, i promise you i will die before i say anything derogatory about anybody again. aw, maude. look, maybe you'll feel better if we go out and have a good dinner. or a well dinner. oh, all right, honey, maybe so. good. whatta you feel like eating? french? italian? spanish? no, why don't we just go down to wong fu's

? donny hathaway: ? lady godiva was a freedom rider ? women: ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she didn't care if the whole world looked ? ? joan of arc with the lord to guide her ? ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she was a sister who really cooked ? ? ooh ooh... ? ? isadora was the first bra burner ? ? ain't you glad she showed up? ? ? oh, yeah ? ? and when the country was fallin' apart ? ? betsy ross got it all sewed up ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's ? ? that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ? mother! so she's dropping a few hints about a raise. aren't you overreacting? hints, carol? hints?

this morning, i woke up to find "help naugatuck now" written on the toilet tissue in the upstairs john. ooh, i'll kill her! oh, i don't understand you. if she is so greedy, and so difficult, and so unreasonable, why don't you fire her? what can i do, carol? i love her! ( bagpipes wheezing ) ( bagpipes wheezing ) okay, carol. you take the high road, i'll take the low road. carol, see you tomorrow. hold it! this demonstration is in your honor, mum. you're the only one i know who's stingier than a scotchman. that is a terrible myth, mrs. naugatuck. the scotch are not stingy.

wait, mrs. naugatuck, we are in the middle of a terrible inflation. our economy is a disaster! we must learn to tighten our belts, tighten our purse strings. well, if you think i'm gonna fall for that malarkey, you should tighten your nuts and bolts.

maude, guess what happened to me today? comen,ue gu your prunes worked. come on, maude! i'm inmportant! you found a pair of pants that fits you in the seat. no, maude, you don't understand.

oh, free! i am free! oh, walter, walter, please. walter... just thrilled! what is-- oh, i can't tell ya how i feel! oh, i--this is the happiest day of my life. oh, come on, now, walter. try to cheer up. maude, you don't understand. i got a call today, maude. i got a phone call from my ex-wife, marta. miserable marta called. now, think... with all the terrible things that i've ever told you about her, what could happen to her that would make me the happiest man in the world? the good year blimp fell on her. even better than that, maude! she's getting married again. married! she went on a singles cruise to jamaica, and finally found herself a rich prince charming. no more alimony, maude. oh...

no more-- no more checks every month. think of all the money we'll save every year, maude. oh, walter. walter, i'm so happy for you. i mean, you work so darn hard for your money. now you'll be able to enjoy all of it. walter... maude: walter, we're gonna be rich! we are?! all right, mrs. naugatuck, it's your lucky day, too. st of living raise you asked for. thank you. so the tightwads finally loosened up. i mean, in this thing, i look like... just another sexpot. you know, mrs. naugatuck, you constantly amaze me! i just gave you a raise, and you call me a tightwad. if i am such a miser, such a monster,

i couldn't do that. i love her. ( bagpipes honk ) same to you. maude. you wanna know why i got us these kimonos? we are going to... japan. japan? walter... walter, japa-- that's right. walter, we're go-- yes! oh, walter, i love japan! i know. walter, i adore japan. i know. walter, the first song i learned to play on the piano was chopsticks. oh, walter, if carol had been a boy i would've named him "toyota." sweetheart, do you realize how long we've been dying to go to the orient? oh... we're going to experience how the oriental lives! oh, walter, mt. fuji, the ginza,

where will we be staying? the holiday inn. the tokyo holiday inn? howard johnson's was full. ( panting ) thank goodness, you're home, walter. listen, could i borrow your car? sure. where's yours? well, either vivian borrowed it, or it was stolen. what a terrible thought-- there could be a crook drivin' around with m.d. plates. somehow arthur, that doesn't strike me as unusual. arthur! arthur, the greatest thing that could ever happen to me happened today! you found a pair of pants that fit you in the seat? no, arthur. my ex-wife, miserable marta, met a guy on a singles cruise to jamaica, and she's getting married!

no more alimony! well, congratulations, walter. actually, i always liked marta. no. she was an ideal patient. she had a permanent skin rash, and money was no object. walter: sure, because it was my money! my ex-wife was never anything but a heartless money grubber! aren't we all? maude, she was impossible! oh, come on, now, walter. maybe marta was an ogre. i mean, people do change. not marta. credit cards. a mink stole. you know, she actually lived with a hungarian acrobat but wouldn't marry him because her alimony would stop! and after all that, after all that, she still had the nerve to call me cheap! cheap, she called me. me, cheap. she called me cheap! walter... cheap, cheap! walter, calm down now. i can't stand that word! walter, it's all over... ( continues yelling ) it's all right, maudie. i've seen this happen to soldiers who still thought they were in the combat zone. me, cheap?! cheap! cheap!

settle down, fella. the war's over. we're going back to the states. you're gonna see nell and the twins and the old homestead-- oh, shut up, arthur! see, it worked. ( car honks ) that sounds like my car. that could either be vivian or a car thief. if i don't hear a crash, it's not vivian. ( screeches, crashes ) thank goodness, it wasn't stolen! oh, sorry, maude. y time i think of miserable marta, i get all steamed up. oh, come on, now, walter, if she was so miserable, how come you stayed married to her for 11 years? well, frankly, maude, she was the sexiest woman i ever met. the second sexiest. uh, she was avis to your hertz.

( doorbell rings ) you think about that, walter. and if you wanna stay in the driver's seat, the answer better be hertz. uncle henry! walter: uncle henry! surprise! uncle henr-- oh... oh, it is just like you hello, walter. to pop in out of the blue. walter: let me take a look at ya. you look marvelous, uncle henry! oh, well, say something! aw... aw... aw, you know i almost forgot? oh, walter, ever since i was six years old, he's called me "his ginger snap." that's because she's so spicy. get it, walter. ginger snaps? spicy? you see, walter, his wit has not dimmed one bit. that's right. still a dimwit. all ugh ) oh, mrs. naugatuck, come here.

can get my own dates. mrs. naugatuck, this is my unc henry from cleveland. oh, very well. how do you do? how do you do? oh, isn't that nice? he's brought you a present from aunt emma's bakery. oh, mrs. naugatuck, uncle henry is aunt emma. i don't care to know about his private life. no, no, no. until i retired a year ago, i was aunt emma, the cookie king of ohio. oh, i completely understand. i have a transvestite nephew who's the drag queen of chelsea. ta-ta! co o uncle henry! come on, maude! sit down! ooh! cookie! look at all these cookies!

( all laugh ) get that, walter? all laughing ) hot as a pistol. but, unc, yoil hane why you just dropped in ouof the blue like this. well, it's no coincidence, maude. i have the happiest news in the world. and there's nobody i'd rather share it with than my favorite little niece, ginger snap. maude, walter, i'm getting married. we just hit it off. you were on a singles cruise to jamaica?

u talk about coincidences milons..bus thousand women on the boat... ( dobell rings ) oh, wait, here's my surprise! marta. bingo. here's my vanilla wafer. oh, walter, darling. ( nervous laugh ) hi, marta. and don't tell me. i know.

maude. this is a qu onof human feelis. compassion. sweetheart, we... who have so much together, have a chance now to forgive and to forget. we have a chance to give that sweet girl her dream. we cannot play god. we have no right to meddle in the lives of those two swell kids out there. ( blows through fingers ) marta was right outhin what? you're cheap!

i can't stand that word! that's all i used to hear! cheap! cheap! cheap! cheap! cheap! cheap! cheap! cheap! cheap! cheap! cheap! cheap! cheap! cheap! cheap! cheap! cheap! cheap! walter, are you planning on flying south for the winter? th th'sot fun is not funny! i see you still have a tendency to blow your top, walter. i also see there's not much top left to blow. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! you see, maude. ha ha ha ha ha! you see how witty she's become! go out and keep uncle henry company. ginger snap would like to talk to vanilla wafer. ginger snap. vanilla wafer. that's funny! ha ha ha ha! who's pushing? tsk. so, you're maude. maude, maude, maude.

listen, maude, i can see you're in a little bit a shock. and i'm sorry i couldn't tell walter who the lucky man was. but your uncle henry wanted to tell him the surprise himself. ( laughs ) and you know, it is kinda funny. ( cackling ) ( laughing ) who would've known? la )no, no, no... ( catches breath ) i--i mean, walt-- walter's first wife marrying his second wife's uncle. ( cackling ) ( fumbling for words ) ( catches breath) well, thereby making the second wife his first wife's niece. ( cackling ) that's a riot, marta.

- oh, that's a riot, maude. well, come on, maude, let's face it. let's be honest, you go first. all right-- oh, never mind. i'll go first. is the answer to one little question. hmm? all i'm interested in is hisappiness. of course! marta, do you mean that? for love! oh. marta, i've been such a fool! that's all i wanted to hear! to the family!ing for love.( las love of comfort.

of ney. it is so difficult to keep a family together these days. maude, does my honesty shock you? no, not at all. i'm jealous. i couldn't have put it less tactfully myself. i mean, you have your man. so, why begrudge me one? he is going to love being married to me. maude... i am a barrel of fun. i'll buy half of that. well, i see you girls are getting along just fine! just fine, walter. isn't she charming, maude?

s about her. she is not a conniving, lecherous money grubber. she's a barracuda. and the worst kind-- a laughing barracuda. okay, maude, what if she is? but if you go out and tell that to uncle henry, he's gonna hate you for it! walter, i've survived hate before. well, i wish your mother had gotten her wish! maude, no, you can't do this. you can't do this. can't i? no, you can't, maude. don't you dare open your mouth. money doesn't grow on trees, you know! as they say in my business, "only paste grows on trees." paste-trees! ( laughs ) get it, walter? ( both laugh ) oh, that's funny. i like that, henry. get it, walter? you don't know how i'm getting it. or where. please, maude, i beg of you-- now, look, walter, i love my uncle.

and i have to tell him. okay, maude, then go ahead! but if you do... then i no longer can afford these kimonos! you can kiss your tokyo holiday inn good-bye! we'll have to sell this house just so we can afford to stay at home. oh, i see he's cheap with you, too. look, don't you start up! cheap?! i worked my butt off buying you furs and flashy cars. furs? flashy cars? you bought me a used volkswagen with a foxtail on the antenna. marta, don't you dare pick on my husband! i'm the only one in this room who has the right to call him cheap. and, walter, that's what you are. you're cheap. cheap! cheap! cheap, cheap, cheap cheap! wait! all right! all right! all right, you win, maude. tell him! maude: uncle henry, even though you're gonna hate me for saying this to you, i-- i have to say it because of all the happiness that you brought me when i was a kid,

uncle henry, marta's marrying you for your money. i know that. you may be a ginger snap, but i'm not a fruitcake. but, uncle, i-- let's face it, maude. we have an understanding. why else would a gorgeous girl like marta wanna marry an old futz like me? talk like that. but it's the truth, sweetie. we do have an understanding. look at it this way, ginger snap. she's marrying me for everything she can get her hands on. and that's exactly why i'm marrying her. this is gonna be the first happiness i've had since my late wife, harriet, may her soul rest in peace,

ginger snap, i appreciate what you're trying to do. but... that's the way the banana splits. or as we say in the bakery trade, "that's the way the cookie crumbles." ( both laugh ) get it, maude? it's a riot, marta. ( laughs ) come on, vanilla wafer. if you're going to start spending my money, we can't do it sittin' around here. whatever you say, teddy bear. ( laughs ) good-bye, walter. bye, kids! bye, maude. maude: bye. i'll be a son of a gun. maude, what can you say?

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