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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 22, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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>> speaking of bill buckley, i asked bill buckley some years ago if had ever smoked, just out of the blue. i said, "did you ever "smoke marijuana?" and there was this pause, and buckley said, he says, "yes, once, on my boat, "but we were outside "the three mile limit." [ laughter ] sure! >> oh, sure. >> right, like he had a-a sextant there. "okay, guys, three miles." we'll be right back. [ applause ] exactly what he said. >> but he didn't enjoy it.
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for adults with advanced non-small cell lung cancer previously treated with platinum-based chemotherapy, including those with an abnormal alk or egfr gene who've tried an fda-approved targeted therapy, this is big. a chance to live longer with opdivo (nivolumab). opdivo demonstrated longer life and is the most prescribed immunotherapy for these patients. opdivo significantly increased the chance of living longer opdivo works with your immune system. opdivo can cause your immune system to attack normal organs and tissues in your body and affect how they work. this may happen any time during or after treatment has ended, and may become serious and lead to death. see your doctor right away if you experience new or worsening cough; chest pain; shortness of breath; diarrhea; severe stomach pain or tenderness; severe nausea or vomiting; extreme fatigue; constipation; excessive thirst or urine; swollen ankles; loss of appetite; rash; itching;
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muscle or joint pain; flushing; or fever... as this may keep these problems from becoming more serious. these are not all the possible side effects of opdivo. tell your doctor about all your medical conditions, including immune system problems, or if you've had an organ transplant, or lung, breathing, or liver problems. a chance to live longer. ask your doctor about opdivo. see for this and other indications. bristol-myers squibb thanks the patients, nurses, and physicians
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[ music ] >> okay, i'm glad you're in a good mood tonight. [ applause ] my next guest is a young comedienne who is her first appearance on the tonight show. she will be appearing at caesar's in lake tahoe november 28 through the sixth of december, and at the improvisation at the riviera hotel in las vegas the 7th through the 13th of december. would you welcome jann karam. jann?
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>> thank you. thank you, thank you very much. thank you. i'm very excited to be here. plus, on the way over, i just met a new guy. it was great how we met. we were fighting over this taxi. we got inside and he offered me a certs. [ laughter ] and, um, i'm wearing new clothes. i just got this today. do you like it? [ applause ] the bracelet, the watch. they were all birthday gifts. well, it wasn't my birthday, but i needed them more than the people i bought them for. [ laughter ] i really like shopping, you know, but doesn't it seem like everywhere you go in this town, somebody comes up to you and says, "excuse me, "miss, can i help you please?" [ laughter ] [ applause ] "what do you need--
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[ laughter ] i always wonder if americans move to other countries if they get all the jobs in all the department stores. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and they try to sell you anything with attitude. that's what i don't like. if you look in these fashion magazines and see these models. first of all, they're very thin, and second of all, they're so grouchy. they're wearing expensive clothes. they should be showing us how happy these clothes make them, but they just stand there in the middle of a magazine going-- [ laughter ] buy this dress. ugh! damn you. and they never smile, these girls, even in real life, because they're afraid if they open their mouths, people will throw food in. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and, you know what i don't-- it's the same kind of people, though, that you see on these
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if you watch them, everybody on there is really phony. nobody acts this way in real life. do you do this? i don't know anyone that does this. you don't really say to somebody, "i tried... [ laughter ] "to love you. [ laughter ] "i have tried, and i have tried, "and i have tried." [ laughter ] "you make a fool out of me "in front of my friends, "and your friends, "and my friends' fds "friends' friends." [ laughter ] [ laughter ] "and that guy down the street, "and that lady with her dog, "and that family "on the elevator. "and that dog's friends." [ laughter ] "thank god i don't care "what other people think." and they always have news. "i have news for you, mister. [ laughter ] "i got the post, the times,
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[ laughter ] cigarettes appear from nowhere. [ laughter ] "you think i loved you?" [ laughter ] "get out." [ laughter ] [ applause ] but you w i'll tell you, i would like to get out of california sometimes. you know, it's really nice here but, uh, there is so much tan pressure. [ laughter ] you always have to have a tan. and if you don't, you have to make excuses. i have been so busy. [ laughter ] so people, say, "well,
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"i'm a member. "it only takes 30 minutes." like, that's a real healthy alternative. you might as well just sit in the microwave. [ laughter ] [ applause ] it's like, you look good, but you're developing this horrible skin disease. a few years later, you're dead. people go to your funeral. "such good color." [ laughter ] and the sun is equally hal. you know, people go on vacation, and they spend weeks in the sun, and they come back with that tan attitude, as if they think everyone's been waiting for them. like they're gonna change the world. just like they're busting into a saloon. yeah... i have a tan. [ laughter ] settle down. hey, yeah, i'll go ahead and buy everyone a round of drinks. i'm pretty bronze this season.
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"what's your secret?" sunscreen, ladies? i don't think so. oh, don't get me wrong, i used to use a 15. then i got down to a four, and then a two. now i just rub on some baby oil if i feel like it. [ laughter ] five years later they make a handbag out of you. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you go, "nice skin! luggage by bob. [ laughter ] these are my children, wallets." [ laughter ] you know why there's a lot of tan pressure? because people associate a tan with success. i see someone with a tan, i assume they're successful. oh, look at you. you must be doing all right. "oh, yeah, i got a promotion. "i won the lottery.
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"you're so dark." [ laughter ] you see somebody else, you say, "woah, what happened "to you?" they're pale. they say, "lost my job, "getting a divorce, i just "got out of the care unit." you go, "you better get "some sun, straighten out "your life." [ laughter ] you don't even have a strap mark. what a loser. [ laughter ] 'cause people act like it's a job. you always say, "nice tan." they go, "oh, well, thanks. "i've been working on it." like it's an accomplishment. something you're real d what'd you do today? "i laid out." well, at least you got something done. [ laughter ] you're so aggressive, what a go-getter. you're gonna be president if you get any darker. [ laughter ] [ applause ]
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would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though!
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janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more. like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app. get ultra-fast internet with secure home wifi to connect all your devices. saving on mobile data fees, helps big time. switch to time warner cable. free hd channels, 100 meg internet and unlimited calling to half the world. we can call aunt rose as much as we want now. switching is easy. get our exclusive 1-hour arrival window, a money-back guarantee with no contract to sign. plus get free installation, tv equiment and epix included. really?
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>> okay, briefly... [ applause ] this, uh, our next guest has a rather unusual story. about a year ago, he had never acted before in his life, and today, he has a regular role on the television series "frank's place." it's a good show. >> great show. >> which is on another network. would you welcome don yesso. don? [ applause ] [ music ] >> david said you were talking backstage and you were nervous. this is easy. >> well, my armpit's a little wet, my hands are a little cold, and my toes are a little numb. other than that, i'm fine. >> well, good. it's good that you're here. >> thank you. um, i wanted to tell you something, mr. carson. i've gotten a lot of birthday presents throughout my life, but this is by far the best birthday present i've ever got. >> it's your birthday. >> yes, sir. >> well, happy birthday. >> thank you. >> good for you. [ applause ] where's home for you? >> new orleans. >> new orleans?
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now, tell me how this happened. i heard that you were simply on an airplane coming out to the coast, and the guy you were sitting next to-- tell me what happened. >> yes, sir. i was getting on a flight from los angeles to new orleans, coming home after looking into some graduate schools and stuff, and i saw this guy kind of fidgeting down the aisle, and he walks on over, and he bums a cigarette from me. we start talking for a couple hours. he says, uh, "you think, "uh, you might be interested "in being in a tv series?" i said, "ah, get out of here." he said, "no, i'm serious." i thought about it all of 20 seconds, and i said, "sure, why not? "i got nothing else to do." and, uh, so we land at the airport. there's a big 80-foot boat called a limousine waiting there for us, and, um, the guy says, "come on, "i'll give you a lift home." i go to my mother's house, and we pull up. it's late at night. it's an older neighborhood, you know. >> did you think this guy was for real? >> oh, yeah, by the time i saw the limo, i knew you he wasn't kind of pulling my leg. >> yeah. >> and, uh, so, uh, we get out there, and the limo guy was pulling my luggage out, and it was about quarter to one in the morning. well, did car lights coming on, dogs are barking and all and everything.
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flannel robe from head to knee, "donald, is that you?" and i'm like, "yeah, ma, "get inside." [ laughter ] i said this guy would never harm me. thinks i'm one of the beverly hillbillies. but, so, he says, "gimme a call "in about a week." you know, and he says, "we'll see what we can "do for you." and i said, "sure, no problem." >> you came out, and-- >> i loaded up the car, drove on out here, uh, had a little second thoughts. did a little gut checking. said, "i must be nuts. "ain't nobody wanna see me "on no tv series." i almost turar >> yeah. >> so i came on out here, and, uh-- >> never acted before? >> no, sir. they threatened to break both my legs if i started taking some acting lessons. yeah. but i did-- but after i read for the network and everything, uh, you know, they called me up and said, "congratulations, "you got the part." and this was like a friday afternoon. i went, "what am i gonna do? "i've got until monday morning "to learn how to act." so i went out-- [ laughter ] >> there's a challenge, all right. >> so i went out and bought me an acting book. >> you got an acting book. >> yeah, i got me
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"act in front of the camera." well, it says, uh, be nice to the cast and crew, show a little, uh, etiquette and stuff like that. >> yeah. >> you know, how to hit a mark. and then, uh, make sure you find an agent. be best friends with your agent. >> oh, yeah, that's important. >> so i read that, and that was-- >> that was that. >> so you make it sound pretty easy. everybody watching the show is gonna say, "hey, yesso read a book. "he walked out here, "and he's on a tv show "just like that." >> it wasn't quite that easy. i mean, you know, i had to learn a few lines and stuff. >> but after that it was a piece of cake, and mr. hugh wilson, the guy that i did meet on the plane who's the executive producer, you know, our-our almighty executive producer. i can say that to the boss. >> oh, the executive producer on it. >> and, uh-- >> you got all this show business stuff already, don't you? >> yeah, i know how to schmooze and stuff. [ laughter ] >> what did you do before? what did you do before, don? >> uh, i was in graduate school working on my second degree. i was gonna be a high school coach. >> is that right? >> yes, sir, and, uh, i had a few things that kinda--
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went kind of defunct. >> yeah. >> matter of fact, the bill collectors, they see this, they'll probably come looking for me. maybe i blacked out and that happened. >> acting is probably gonna make you more bucks than being a high school coach, right, or coaching? >> well, it's a lot more fun. i love hollywood. >> do you? >> yeah. i'm having a lot of fun, yeah. i like this stuff. i'm meeting all kinda-- what's really nice about it is-- >> who have you met so far that's impressed you? >> can you say that? you know, stuff-- >> well, what do you mean? i asked who you met. >> well, i could-- you know, i met jill st. john. >> ooh. >> oh, yeah, that was like-- yeah. >> hey, yo, yo. you're talking heavy duty stuff now. >> i went on over to her and introduced myself, you know. she'd be real impressed, you hear? so, uh, i walked on over to her and talked to her, and i'm sitting there and i'm looking in her face and i say, "man, you know, "i been admiring this lady "for a long time, and i'm "sitting there talking to her "like me and you are right now." >> yeah. >> so, i mean, it's like-- and i sneak in all this-- all she, uh--
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are filming movies and stuff? i sneak in-- yeah, sure, go in and introduce people, and like, i'd try and get some autographs and stuff. >> yeah. >> but i wear chef whites on the show, you know? and they think i'm the cook from the commissary. [ laughter ] >> so you just blend in? >> so a lot of people throw me out, you know, but-- >> we're gonna come back. sounds fabulous. stay where you are. [ applause ] attention: are you eligible for medicare? the medicare enrollment deadline is just a few weeks away. changes to medicare plans could impact benefits available to you? new plans are now available that could increase your benefits and lower how much you pay out of pocket. to update your coverage- or enroll for the first time -- call healthmarkets. we'll help you make sure you have the right medicare plan. hi, i'm doctor martin gizzi. it's a new medicare year. that means more changes... and more confusion. here's what i tell my patients... start by asking ... what kind of care
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if you miss the deadline, you may have to wait another year before enrolling. call a licensed healthmarkets' agent now. call now. call this number by the deadline... and let healthmarkets find the right medicare plan for you - without cost or obligation. call now. [ music ] >> look, we only had, uh, we only had a brief time to get to know you. can you come back with us soon in a couple of weeks? 'cause you're a fascinating story. >> oh, believe me. you're pretty fascinating yourself. >> okay, don. have a nice weekend. good night. [ applause ]
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i can't believe it. i'll get back to you. whatever you do, do not sell that ticket. antonio, antonio i need $500 quick. barbra streisand is giving a special concert in boston and i have a chance to get a ticket. well, sure, fay i'd be glad to lend you $500 if i hadn't foolishly squandered it on heat, rent and grandma's insulin shots. cochran, did i hear you right? you were able to land a ticket to that special streisand concert? yes, but i only have a few minutes to get 500 bucks. i have worshipped barbra from the beginning. i got married to "funny girl" divorced to "the way we were" and wrote my last alimony check to "happy days are here again." oh, then you'll lend me the money for the ticket? oh, not on your life.
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i will pay for the ticket and we can split that seat. we'll take turns, so we'll each see a little part of the concert. fay: okay, it's a date. great! oh, i'm so excited. isn't life funny? i've dreamed of this moment but i never thought it would happen. oh, it'll be pure magic. so, roy, got yourself a little snuggle-bunny. helen: hi. hey, helen. guess what? i just got off the phone with mom. she's coming for the weekend. mom's coming here? that's great-- we haven't seen her in years. mom's coming here? deedee's coming? that's great. deedee chappel. get ready to unzip your pants.
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no, she used to make huge dinners. everyone got so full they had to undo their pants. remember those chocolate chip pancakes she used to make? remember them? that's the dish they say killed bob the mailman. i used to polish off three stacks of those in one sitting. only three? what were you doing, watching your figure? so, uh, what are you saying? i'm saying i've eaten snacks bigger than you. my mama also loved to cook. oh. i know why she's coming. for you. what? you broke up with stuart so she's coming to be with you. oh, i don't think that's it. i haven't exactly told mom about stuart yet. you've been separated for months. where does she think he's been all this time? in the bathroom. every time she calls
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to help you plan your wedding. you think that's why? of course. oh, that'd be great. there's so much to plan-- my gown, the caterer... don't forgot the band and the flowers... whoa, i'm going to stop this train before it leaves. i'm not letting you three chappel women talk me into spending thousands of dollars like jim and marsha at their wedding. you liked their wedding. oh, please... the stupid champagne waterfall, the gypsy violinists e bride and groom sculpted in shrimp. no. there's no way we're going to waste our money on stuff like that. you won't have to. i think mom's bringing the check. what check? when stuart and i got married mom and dad helped us pay for it. that's very nice but all we want is a simple ceremony followed by a nice tasteful dinner with a few of our close friends. the check was for $10,000. i'll call jim and marsha.
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come on, cochran. get the lead out. i don't want to be late for streisand. now here's my list of all the songs i want to hear barbra sing. are you nuts? i didn't pay 500 bucks to hear "you don't bring me flowers" and a medley from the disco years. then let's make it simple. you take the seat for the first half of the concert. then at intermission, you come outside and i'll watch the second half. fair enough. let's go. helen, i want you to look at this wedding brochure. for only 500 bucks we can arrive at the ceremony in a motorized viking ship. joe, would you stop thinking about the money? the important thing is my mama is coming here to see me. isn't she? why is that hard to believe? well, she's always had a special bond with casey i never had. sometimes i'd be with them
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nized omelet chefs. hey. hi, antonio. hey, what's with the tie? i want to look nice. helen's mama coming today. you don't even know her mother you're all dressed up. hey, a mama deserves respect. get a haircut. helen, is mom here yet? no. you're putting on your wedding ring? just because stuart's in the bathroom doesn't mean i can't wear it. oh, there are my girls. come here, you two. oh, mom. oh. oh, you both look so gorgeous. well, we take after you. that's sweet. oh, i was going to say that. so how's daddy? oh, he's fine. i was going to ask that. he couldn't come because his hernia popped again. oh, don't tell me that that handsome young man is my future son-in-law.
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no. you forget deedee. it's mom. i'm so glad... say it. what? i want to hear "mom" come out of this adorable face. mom. oh. where's my other son-in-law? where's stuart? and don't tell me he's in the bathroom again. of course stuart's not in the bathroom, mom. the truth is, he's... he's trying to open up the european market for his business. europe doesn't have corn pads? not the good kind. antonio: uh, excuse me. excuse me... i don't mean to intrude. i just want to welcome you to the island. and to... and... oh, mama.
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antonio, this is my mom. such a pleasure to meet you, mama chappel. i can see where your daughters get their beauty and charm. the last time a guy laid a line like that on me he tried to sell m a time share. nice to meet you. mama, you must be tired from your trip. i'll take you home and you can unpack. then maybe we can talk about my wedding plans. i've got some brochures. there's plenty of time for all that. towards the market. i want to go food shopping for tonight. you sure you want to cook? of course. why would i travel all this way and not cook for the kids? well, you all enjoy yourselves and have a lovely time. i'll just be home heating up some frozen bagel pizzas. not while deedee chappel's in town, you won't. oh, mama. watch the hair, dear.
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joe, would you get my bag for me? casey, that is a gorgeous blouse. oh, thanks, mom. believe it or not i got it in a shop right here on nantucket. really? you'll have to show me. okay. actually, i can show you
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for adults with advanced non-small cell lung cancer previously treated with platinum-based chemotherapy, including those with an abnormal alk ried an fda-approved targeted therapy, this is big. a chance to live longer with opdivo (nivolumab). opdivo demonstrated longer life and is the most prescribed immunotherapy for these patients. opdivo significantly increased the chance of living longer versus chemotherapy. opdivo works with your immune system. opdivo can cause your immune system to attack normal organs
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during or after treatment has ended, and may become serious and lead to death. see your doctor right away if you experience new or worsening cough; chest pain; shortness of breath; diarrhea; severe stomach pain or tenderness; severe nausea or vomiting; extreme fatigue; constipation; excessive thirst or urine; swollen ankles; loss of appetite; rash; itching; headache; confusion; hallucinations; muscle or joint pain; flushing; or fever... as this may keep these problems from becoming more serious. these are not all the possible side effects of opdivo. immune system problems, or if you've had an organ transplant, or lung, breathing, or liver problems. a chance to live longer. ask your doctor about opdivo. see for this and other indications. bristol-myers squibb thanks the patients, nurses, and physicians
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twenty. twenty-two. got room for chicken and dumplings, huh? bring it on! @@ it's just like sunday dinner back home in italy. who wants chicken? antonio, you've been so good to help me all nightlong. why don't you go sit down and eat? when mama sits and eats. mama's got work to do. in the kitchen. then i will help you. i've had migraines that were easier to get rid of. dinner's incredible. so great having your mom back. just like old times. when do we get the check? joe, the check is not important. that $10,000 only means that i'm as important to her as casey.
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and this time, we've got fritters. oh, god. fritters. you got a problem with that? mom, stop serving us and sit down. i want to hear your ideas about my wedding. oh, we've got plenty of time for that. did anybody try my butter beans? i hope we can afford a delicious dinner like this at our wedding. caterers are so expensive nowadays. so i hear. hear what? oh, give me a little space, will you, honey? you know, we really haven't decided on a date yet. we were thinking about june. oh, june's fine, dear. oh, uh-oh. uh-oh. i see two empty plates. what do you think of june? june's fine, dear. but the wedding isn't important.
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you take casey and stuart... huh?! still in france. i was talking about my wedding. i know. excuse me. i forgot my biscuits and gravy. i told you she didn't come here to see me. she only cares about you and stuart. when will you tell her that stuart left? you see how she loves him. she'll burst into tears. you want to see tears, watch this face when i don't get a full open bar. biscuits and gravy coming up. that's not the only thing coming up. um, mama, i'm so excited to hear all your plans about the wedding. you know, my wedding. my wedding to joe. joe and helen's wedding. oh, we've got plenty of time for all of that. casey, did you ever pick out that wallpaper
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king for some in france. you know, mom, i'm getting married soon. so, do you have anything to tell me or ask me or..? give her? well, i was thinking of doing this later when we were alone, but it's, uh... here. it's not much. oh, my god! look, everybody. my mom gave me an envelope. oh... mom, you don't know how special this makes me feel. that you'll come all the way down here to give me this check for $83. bravo, mama! bravo! well, honey, i wanted it it's just i... i have to tell you something. i don't really know how to say this. when i left home this morning i had $10,000 to give to you and joe. so, what happened to it? well, i couldn't get a direct flight to boston.
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d away my wedding? deedee: i'm just so embarrassed. that's why i couldn't face you all nightlong. i just felt so stupid. can you ever forgive me? mom, doesn't matter. it's only money. yeah. it's only helen's money. of course if it was casey's money for casey's wedding then that would matter. she didn't do it on purpose. she never would have gambled away your wedding. me? you're the one that won't tell your husband left you! casey, is that true? stuart's not in france. oh, honey, i'm here for you. you tell mama what happened. oh... helen...
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core? core? lost by 20. ( roy groaning ) don't even ask where the notepad is. take another bite of food as long as i live. why did you stuff yourself? lowell threw down the gauntlet.
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say, brian... how you feeling this morning? uh... a little hungry. how about lunch? i had lunch for breakfast. oh, no, helen's not here. i was hoping i could say good-bye. boy, did i screw this trip up. i'll go take care of your ticket. thanks, honey. hi, boys. i'm leaving earlier than i expected and i've got something for you. here we are. some nice big, fudgy brownies. i'll miss you. oh, god. what was that? i said, "oh, god."
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oh, mama, please don't go. oh, son... you've got to get yourself a girl. no kidding. so. you're leaving? yeah, i just... i don't know what else to do. she won't return my calls so i think it's just best if i go. i'm sorry about the wedding money, joe. we don't need much. no champagne waterfall, no viking ship... no nothing. okay, mom, you're all set. oh, thanks, honey. i love you. i love you. about stuart-- you'll be fine without him. go back to doing what you did before you got married. i lived with you and daddy. oh. well, don't listen to me.
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how could you gamble away my wedding? geez, you scared the hell out of me. i thought you were that antonio person. i deserve an answer. oh, honey. don't you think it's killing me? your father and i saved for years to give you that money. it was a horrible, stupid mistake. i don't know how to make it up to you but somehow, i'll get you that money. it's not about the money. then what? never mind. you have a plane to catch. say hi to dad and have a nice flight. honey, forget about the flight. why don't we go inside and sit down? everything will look better over a nice piece of pie. is food your answer to everything? no wonder i was such a fat little kid.
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daddy was only 140. how could you let me get fat? why wouldn't casey get fat? honey, i don't know. it was genetics, metabolism... she said no once in a while. course she did-- she was perfect. i didn't say that. you didn't have to. it was obvious. you fussed over casey, fixing her hair, her clothes. she always liked those little girl's clothes. you were my tomboy. with brian and joe, playing ball and climbing in the trees. i never saw you except for meals. maybe that's why i made such big ones-- so they'd last longer, huh? oh, mom, you always have such a neat answer for everything. helen, what do you want from me? i want to know why you is that what you think? don't you?
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i love you both the same. you didn't treat us the same. why would i? you're different people. even when you were babies. from day one-- casey needed me all the time. she was always holding her little arms in the air wanting to be picked up. you were my independent kid. i think your first words were, "back off." it didn't matter what you were doing. if i wanted to help you, you just pushed me away. uh... maybe you should have tried a little harder. maybe i should have. my god, helen-- look how angry you are. i never realized that i was such a... bad mother. i didn't say that, mama. this is the first time in five years you've been in nantucket.
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because casey invites me. y-you're my mother. you're always invited here. am i? i wasn't sure. sometimes a person needs to be asked. um... if i invited you now, would you stay? i might. you are going to ask me, aren't you? oh, honey, honey, honey. come on. my first words were really, "back off"? well, i think they were, "more pie." oh, mama, you came back. uh-huh. don't turn around.
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[captioning sponsored by paramount television, nbc and toyota-- i love what you do for me captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation] don't know. we haven't moved for eight hours. i'll race you to the parking lot. all righty. on your mark... get set... go.
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- hey hackett, there's a rumor going around that you are leasing a second plane. - yeah, that's right, roy, we're expanding our operation. what's wrong? you're afraid of a little friendly competition, huh? - let me tell you something, sparky, there's no such thing as friendly competition. - yeah, yeah, yeah, you can't scare us, roy. - oh, man what does he think he's gonna do? on, aeromass is pleased to announce its new economy fare to boston, only 39.95. - announcing sandpiper air's new super saver fare to boston, a low 29.95.
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9.95 and your companion flies free. - sandpiper, everybody flies free. (audience laughter) - wow. hey, i don't know what you're doing, brian, but whatever it is, keep it up. (upbeat jazzy music) - my whole body hurts. i went to the gym for the first time in months. i guess i overdid it a little on the free weights. - oh. well you know, in my day women didn't go to the gym, we didn't have weights, we didn't have aerobics. - well, how'd you stay in shape? - did you ever try to stuff your rear end into a playtex living girdle? now that was a workout. (audience laughter)
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- he's killing us with these promotions. you know, i can't believe that anyone would actually fly aeromass to get a free waterpik. - obviously, you've never known the heartbreak of gingivitis. - you know, joe, it's a little awkward working for you and roy when you guys are in the middle of this feud. and i just want you to know where my loyalties lie. - so, you giving away and any free good stuff? - no. - see ya. (audience laughter) you know, roy, it's always a little awkward working for you-- - have another waterpik. a little quiet over here, hackett. who died? oh, that's right, your business.
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they are not gonna be driven away, no matter how many stupid little gifts you give them. - announcing the arrival of sandpiper flight 2 from boston. (audience laughter) - that's flight 2? where are all the passengers? - arriving on aeromass with their free point and shoot cameras. we have to talk. - you're right. - sure thing. come on, fay, let's go. i've given it a lot of thought, and i think i've come up with a plan. - now, just wait a second, brian. i've been thinking a lot about this too. here's how i see it. the situation is this. roy, has more capital than we do, so he can undercut our prices. everybody with me so far? - gotcha. - the result of this is that more people are flying on his airline than are flying on our airline
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- that's it, i just thought a little recap might help. - well, now that we're up to speed, would you like to hear a real solution? - sorry i'm late, i heard there was a meeting. - yeah, i'm sorry, helen, we're sort of in the middle of a sandpiper business. - uh-huh, what's our plan? - our plan? - well yes, i'm gonna marry joe, so you know, i naturally have an interest in the future of the airline-- - i know you do. lved. she just wants to listen in. - oh, okay, well that's what they said about yoko ono. (audience laughter) - so, how are we gonna beat roy? - i have a plan. - sweetie, didn't you have an idea? - what, to put you on our next album? - oh! all right, yeah. well, you know, we should not compete with roy and his frills and just concentrate on being who we are.
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- well, i hate to break it to you, but we never left basics. - well, do you have a better suggestion? - as a matter of fact, i do, love. (audience laughter) one way to get an edge, to really get an edge over aeromass is to have a distinctive personality. and how do we get that distinctive personality? with a celebrity spokesperson. - i have a cousin who says she knows emmanuel lewis. (audience laughter) now, i was thinking of someone who is synonymous with flight. like say, a former astronaut? perhaps charles ace galvin? - oh yeah, that's a great idea, yeah. but why stop there? i mean, while we're at it, why don't we get the queen of england, or the pope? or mother theresa? - i'm serious about this, joe, i really am.
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ave to do is pay his expenses and he'll come look us over. - really? - [brian] yes. - you're not kidding me? ace galvin? that would be amazing. he's one of the reasons i got into flying. the guy's a national hero. - oh would you stop that, that's so annoying. - okay fine, i'll just say it. i mean, do you really want to risk every cent you have on some celebrity? - he's not just a celebrity, helen. the man has walked on the moon. he is an institution. - oh, i love that cereal. it's got wheat on one side, corn on the other, it's crispy, it never gets soggy. - joe, joe. listen, when we became partners, okay, we always said that we would decide everything together. we wouldn't make a move unless we were both onboard. we would always agree. so if you don't think this is a good idea, i'll drop it right now. - you already called him, didn't you? - he's right outside.
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lieutenant colonel charles galvin. - just call me ace.


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