ghing) come on, let's go. (audience laughing and clapping) (theme song) the jack benny program! (theme music) (audience clapping) thank you, thank you very, very much, and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. now usually, i mean as a rule, when i start a program, i usually begin by telling a series of jokes, which we call a monologue. but i thought that tonight i'd like

when i say that i get a lot of fan mail, because i do. (audience laughing) i thought that... and in these letters, they always ask me a lot of questions, about myself or about the show, and i thought it might be nice, instead of telling jokes, to answer some of these letters. so i'll do that tonight instead of... now here is a... here's one from a lady in michigan, and she (laughter) and she says... oh. (more laughter) she says, "dear mr. benny, is it true "that you're as cheap and stingy in person "as you are on television?" well... (laughter) i might not bother answering that one at all.

"program, you referred to your violin playing "in the same class with jascha heifetz. "now mr. benny, how can you possibly have the nerve "to compare yourself with anyone who knows "music as well as he does?" well, my only answer to that is that i believe my devotion to the violin is even greater than his, would continue to play after being tarred and feathered. (laughter) i'd like to see him rosin his bow with sticky fingers. (laughter) oh, here's one more letter that i want to read. it says, "mr. benny, with all the work you do "on your television shows, do you have any time

i have a very nice social life. i go to maybe 15, 20 parties a year, and the nicest part of it is that the parties that aren't planned are the best ones of all, you know? those that just happen by accident, and i remember yesterday, i must tell you what happened yesterday, i ran in to my favorite motion picture star, jimmy stewart. and a very good friend of mine, and he had told me that night, last night, that he was going to g anniversary, he and his wife. and he begged me to join them. (laughter) and even though i had another date, he was so insistent about it, you see, that i told him i would come. and i'm glad that i let him talk me into it because we had the most wonderful... well, let me show you. let me show you exactly what happened.

(audience clapping) - hello, mr. stewart. perhaps you would like to order another drink? - no, i don't think so, not right now, thank you. - no thank you, not right now. oh, captain, you can take these two places away. there'll be just the two of us. - i shall arrange. - gloria... - isn't it wonderful, jimmy, to be able to celebrate our wedding anniversary alone? this is the first time we've been able to do it. - gloria, dear... there's something i wanted to tell you but i didn't have the nerve. - well, what is it? - well, jack benny and his girlfriend are going to join us tonight.

- but i couldn't do anything about it, i just... i met jack on the street, and in the course of conversation, he asked how you were, and instead of just saying "fine" and letting it go at that, i just happened to mention that we were going to celebrate our wedding anniversary tonight, and then jack just started suggesting that he join us, and before i could say "no," he grabbed me by the lapels. (laughter) - why didn't you just walk away? - i did, dragged him two blocks. he just hung on like an abalone. - gosh, i don't mind jack so much, but those girls he always brings with him. remember the one he brought to the conrad hilton party? - oh yeah, she's the one that ate asparagus like a sword swallower. - well don't worry, jimmy, this is kind of a new restaurant. maybe jack won't know where it is. - no, no, when i told him where we were going, he wrote it down on a piece of paper. gosh, i hope he shows up.

- i wonder what kind of a girl he'll bring with him this time. - well, i don't... honey, maybe we'd better have another drink. oh, garcon. - oui, monsieur? - two more champagne cocktails, please.

jimmy, gloria! - hi, jack. - hello, how are you jimmy? gloria, how are you? sit down, sit down, jimmy. i'm sorry i'm late, jimmy, but let me tell you what happened.

rry. oh mildred! (laughter) - here i am, jimmy. - why are you always lagging behind? - well, my steps ain't as big as yours. - well, here we are. gloria, this is mildred. - how do you do? - pleased to make your acquaintance. - and mildred, this is jimmy stewart. jimmy stewart! - yes, yes. - well, this is certainly an unexpected pleasurable event. (laughter) - well, sit down. jimmy, sit right where you were here by gloria. and mildred, you sit next to jimmy right over there. well, here we are. - gee, this is certainly a ritzy joint.

- well, i-- - [jack] no, no, you see, mildred works at cbs. - oh, she's in television. - well, you see, i-- - well no, no, not exactly - what are you hemming and hawing about? i'm a telephone operator and i'm proud of it. (laughter) - look, mildred-- - if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be able to talk to those other big shots. - mildred, please-- - all right, all right, the truth hurts, don't it? - if you two will excuse us, gloria and i are going to dance. - jimmy, the orchestra isn't playing. (laughter) (jack laughing) - he must have thought the orchestra was playing. well, anyway, jimmy, i'm so glad you insisted on my coming over here because we can have a lot of fun.

- oh, you did? - cocktails with champagne. - yes, we ordered champagne cocktails. - oh, wonderful. here you are, mildred. there you are. didn't you order drinks for yourself? this is delicious. - come on, live it up! (squeals) (laughter) - well, i guess we might as well live it up, honey. you know, we're celebrating our anniversary. - our happy anniversary. bring two more, please. (piano music) - yeah, i wouldn't have missed it... hey, there's the music! come on, mildred, let's dance. - okay. oh, wait a minute. (laughter) - mildred, what are you doing? - i'm marking the level. i don't want to be out there dancing while i'm being sipped dry.

this happened the last two places i took her to. (laughing) come on, let's dance. - what are you doing? - well, i don't want to be accused of sipping if it just happens to be evaporation. (laughter) - say by the way, jimmy, i noticed that when jack sat down, he had your fountain pen in his breast pocket. t mine. it probably belongs to conrad hilton. - gee, you're a wonderful dancer. - thank you, mildred. - and jacky? - what? - no matter what happens tonight, i want you to know that i like you very, very much. - i know you do, mildred, but why did you have to mention it now? - well, i have a feeling that as the evening moves on,

- and you didn't want me to be jealous? - yeah. (laughing) - oh well, with my blue eyes, i have nothing to worry about. - gloria, i know how you feel. i know what you're thinking, but we're stuck with this. we'll just have to stick it out. there's nothing to do. - we could get out of here. - no, we can't without an excuse, now. - i know. when they come back to the table, i'll tell them that my stomach's a little upset. - but we can't lie to them. ghter) - gee, i didn't know that you'd be so upset about it. but one thing, honey. no matter what happens this evening, i want you to know that i love you very much. - i know you do, dear, but why do you bring it up now? - well, i... i kind of have a feeling that as the evening goes on,

- don't be silly. - well i'm sorry you got into this, dear, awful sorry, but look, it's a big place and it's crowded. maybe nobody will notice they're with us. - i hope so. - i beg your pardon. - well you should be. why don't you look where you're going? - mildred, please. - well, i'm sorry, but you bumped into me. - if you don't know how to dance, why don't you get lost? - mildred! - my fault? listen, you can't talk to me like that. i happen to be here with jimmy stewart. (laughter) (audience clapping) - now come on, mildred, let's go back to the table.

- look, mildred, if you start another fight,

how about having something to eat? how do you feel? - oh, i'm starved. - all right. wait a minute, i'll get the waiter. waiter, waiter! - we're both wrong. harry s. truman. (laughter) - waiter, waiter, please, we're going to eat. boy i'm hungry. - would you like to order dinner now? - yes, yes, i guess so. - hey, get a load of these fancy dishes!

- oh good, then i won't have to blow on it. (laughter) (more laughter) - come on, let's order. - how about some caviar to start with? - those are fish eggs. - i'll bet she orders two, soft-boiled. (laughter) - what are you going to have, jack? - well, i don't know, let's see. grenadine of beef, 3.75. long island duckling, 4.50. fillet mignon, woops. oh brother. - if you don't mind, i'll take the orders.

- i'll have the long island duckling. - very good, madame. you, sir? - i'll have the "woops" medium rare. (laughter) - and you, mademoiselle? - i don't know what i want. i think i'll have some of that vichyssoise. and a salami sandwich. - oh for heaven's sakes, mildred. i mean, this is a high class french restaurant. waiter, what would you suggest? - well, i would recommend the (speaking in french) - oh, what's that? - that's rabbit fried in mushroom sauce. - rabbit? would you like rabbit, mildred? - anything as long as it's dead. (laughter) - waiter, i suddenly feel in need of another drink. - what happened to the drink you had?

- oh, bring her the grenadine of beef, and we'll all have shrimp cocktails. (band music) hey, there's the music again! i'll tell you what. mildred, you dance with jimmy, and i'll dance with gloria. - okay. (laughter) - you are? - whoever thought that i, mildred meyerhouser, would someday be dancing with a real movie star? - mildred meyerhouser? - yeah. - that's quite an unusual name, isn't it? - yeah, i thought about changing it, but somebody said when you change your name, sometimes it changes your whole personality.

(laughter) - this is fun, isn't it, gloria? come on, let's do that again. (gloria moans) oh come on, be a sport, for goodness' sake. (dishes breaking) (laughter)

me in your arms, dancing face to face. i'd give anything if they'd turn the lights down low. - i'm sort of hoping they'd turn them off all together. (laughter) - oh, jimmy. (sighs) i can't get over it. here i am dancing with jimmy stewart, and the orchestra's playing my favorite song. (singing off-key) hold me close and hold me fast this is la vie en rose, when you kiss me heaven sighs, and if i close my eyes, this is la vie en rose. (laughter) (singing off-key) when you press me to your heart, i'm in a world apart, a world where roses bloom, and--

- well you got back just in time, the food is here. - well, of all people, jack benny! - gladys! - mildred, why didn't you tell me you were going out with jack tonight? - and this is mr. and mrs. jimmy stewart. - well my, this is certainly a privilege, and i would like what did you say your name was? - joe, joe gallagher. - oh yeah, that's right. joe tells me he's a football player. ain't that right, joe? - yep, fullback. - are you with the los angeles rams? - no, i go to hollywood high.

- for nine years! joe, i would like for you to meet mr. jack benny. - hi. - how do you do? (jack groans) - and this is mr. and mrs. jimmy stewart? - how are you? (jimmy moans) - and that is my girlfriend mildred. - hi (groans) - well, i guess we better get going so we can find a table. come on and join us. hey, waiter-- - wait a minute, mildred. no, mildred, there isn't enough room here. - no jack, that's all right, gloria and i will leave. - no, no, no, jimmy, you can't leave. this is your anniversary. and anyway, i have a surprise for you. - a surprise? - just stay here a minute and then we'll get some chairs for you. oh, maestro. maestro, would you come here, please? you'll like this.

y, are mr. and mrs. jimmy stewart. (clapping) here with mr. and mrs. stewart are their good friends, jack benny and mildred meyerhouser. (clapping) also at the table are gladys gearshift and joe gallagher, (clapping) the second-string fullback from hollywood high. - jimmy, as you enter another year of happiness, i want to make a toast. - oh my. - to you, jimmy and gloria. may you continue to have health, happiness, and may all your wishes come true. - thank you, jack. - wait, i'm not through yet! and i hope that on your next anniversary,

(glasses breaking) (laughter) (clapping)

- well, finally we're alone on our anniversary. i was surprised when i came back from the powder room and saw everybody rushing out. i hope you didn't insult them. - no, i don't think so. - you must have said something. - all i said was, "waiter, bring the check." (laughter) anyway, we're alone. happy anniversary, dear. - thank you, dear. - oh, jack, what are you doing back here? and i couldn't make a liar out of him. (laughter) anyway, jimmy, i do want to thank you and gloria very, very much for being on my show. - great pleasure, jack. - enjoyed it, jack, it was fun. - i'm glad, and as long as i am thanking you, i also want to congratulate you and wish you a happy anniversary. - jack, as a matter of fact, this isn't really our anniversary. we just made this up for the show.

(laughter) jimmy, i said, "when is your anniversary?" - july 2nd. - august 20th. (laughter) - jack, as a matter of fact, it wouldn't make any difference because when we celebrate our wedding anniversary the next time, we're going to be out of town anyway. - oh, where are you going? - well, we'll think of someplace. - such a wonderful couple. such great friends of mine. and now, ladies and gentlemen... barbara, what are you doing back here? the show is over. - well, the show may be over, jack,

come on, let's have it. (clapping) the jack benny program. (audience applauding) thank you. thank you very, very much ladies and gentlemen and welcome to our show. now if i seem a little bit nervous or shaky today, please bear with me because i've just gone through the most

but, you know, from this experience i've learned one lesson. when you see a dollar bill on the freeway, let it go. (audience applauding) don't get out of the car, just let it go. that is unless you can scoop it up western style. my car is on its way to san diego. now i don't know how it affects you folks, but the, you know, the freeway really drives me crazy. i get so mixed up with the sign. now i've been to palm springs i can't tell you how many times and yet every time i go i get lost.

to palm springs and all of a sudden i got on the wrong lane, i found myself in pasadena. then i left pasadena got on another lane, i was in anaheim. then i went on another-- this went on and on. i was on the way 7 hours and i still didn't get to palm springs. finally there was a car driving up alongside of me and there was a fella in it and his wife and two of their kids, you see, and i turned to him, i said, "pardon me, is this the freeway to palm springs? he says, "you're lost?" he says, "we're still on our honeymoon." (audience laughing) of course i though he was, you know, being a smart aleck and everything until i saw his car drive up in front me and i saw it had a 1952 license plate on it. (audience laughing)

- say, boss. - oh. - oh. (audience applauding) - yes? - excuse me for interrupting, but that television reporter has to leave. - oh, the one who is in my dressing room now? - mm-hmm. - i know, well, he didn't ask me any questions yet. - well, he asked me some so i answered them for you. - oh, you did? - mm-hmm. - oh, well good. stance? - well, first he wanted to know where you went to school. i told him in waukegan, illinois. - that's right, that's right. i went to school in waukegan. - then he wanted to know did you go to college? i said you not only went to college, but you graduated from medical school. - rochester, i know you were trying to impress him but i didn't graduate from medical school.

e let you take out my tonsils. - that was an emergency. i mean it wasn't your day off, so you couldn't go to the doctor. now you keep that reporter in my dressing room until i get through. tell him because i really want this interview. thanks, roch. so long. (audience applauding) he's the nicest fella. oh, don. don? - yes, yes jack. - would you come out here for just a second? (audience applauding) now don, would you please carry on with the show because i want to go to my dressing room? there's a reporter there waiting for me to give me an interview you see. - oh, well then jack, will you do me a favor? - what? - when you talk to that reporter, be sure to tell him that i've been your announcer for over 26 years.

been with me for that long? - yes, jack, don't you remember two of us came up to audition for you 26 years ago and i got the job. - oh, gosh, i remember now. that's right, 26 years ago there were-- two of you did come up for the audition. i remember and i gave the job to you. yeah, what is the name of that other fella? - adlai stevenson. (audience laughing) - oh, my goodness. you're right. now on my show if he was the announcer, just imagine. the jack benny program starring jack benny with rochester, dennis day, and yours truly

now mr. benny, we've covered pretty thoroughly your career in radio and television. now tell me something about your career in pictures. - in pictures? - yes.

(audience laughing) well, i'm glad you brought that up. i made a lot of good pictures, you know, i made the-- well, the first one was the hollywood review and then i made broadway melody. - oh, yes. i remember that one. - remember that one? i made buck benny rides again and artists and models. - oh, they were very good. - thank you. then i made, let's see, george washington slept here, charlie's aunt and another very, very good one called - oh, yes, they were very funny. - thank you. - but mr. benny, i noticed you didn't refer to the horn blows at midnight. (audience laughing) was that done on purpose or was that a subconscious desire to sublimate a traumatic experience? (audience laughing) - what was that? - boss, he means-- - i know what he means!

ng me at all. now sit down here a minute. - all right. - i want to get something straight. now i've done a lot of kidding, a lot of gags about the horn blows at midnight, but i want to tell you something about that picture. when that picture played the strand theatre in new york, you could't keep the people out. it was a smash. - really? - it was standing room every performance. - oh, that's a little hard to believe. hard to believe? well, i'll show you something that i saved. i saved a cut out of myself that was in front of the strand theatre and i just want you to see it. when i made the horn blows at midnight.

- uh-huh. - be sure not to lose it. - oh, by the way mr. benny, rochester has been with you for such a long time, do you happen to have any pictures of the two of you together i could use with this article? - a picture of rochester and me? - oh, boss. - what? - why don't we give him the one of you handing me my christmas bonus? (audience chuckling) - me giving you a christmas bonus? is there a picture of that? - (mumbling) (audience laughing) long has rochester been with you? - well, if he lasts through this interview, it'll be 25 years. (audience laughing) - incidentally mr. benny, you spoke about your family. - uh-huh. - do you happen to have any pictures of them? - oh, my folks, you mean. - yeah. - oh well, isn't that nice. - i have a small one here that i hope will be of some help to you here. oh, here. here's one right here.

but where's your sister florence? - oh, my sister florence? - yes. - oh, well when this picture was taken, you see, my sister wasn't born yet. - but mr. benny, you told me she was older than you are. - now, yes. (audience laughing) anyway, mr. jones, i'm so glad you're going to include them re wonderful, wonderful, people. you know, i studied the violin through just because of my father. you know, he used to play the violin. - oh, really. did he play it professionally? - no, no. just for his own amusement, you know. i tell you, you see, in those days-- sit down. i'd like to tell you more about that. you see, in those days, we didn't have, you know, radio or television so people actually

i remember how we use to have a musicale, you know, they used to come over and play at our house all during the winter on a sunday, you see. it always started out the same way, you see. now there was my father was in the next room shaving and my mother would be in the kitchen making sandwiches and i, 6 years old, would be always there right at my mother's heel. - [parrot] (mumbling) - mama, polly needs some water. - well, jackie, you get it for her. she's your parrot. besides, i'm busy. - what are you doing? - well, today is sunday, jackie. your uncle and your father's cousins are coming over for their weekly musicale. - i know that, mama, but what are you doing?

- good. - now jackie, for heaven's sake, this time when i ask you to pass the sandwiches, just pass them. don't sell them. (audience laughing) now remember that. - alright, alright. gee, i can't understand you mama, always giving things away for nothing. ford to give away a few sandwiches. after all, your father is doing quite well in his tailor shop. - so if he's doing so well, how come last month he had to borrow five hundred dollars to buy a pressing machine? - jackie benny, he's your father. he's your own flesh and blood. he'll pay you back.

- at 12% who's in a hurry? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) well, emma. emma, how's everything going? - oh, fine. do you think i made enough sandwiches? oh, i would imagine there is enough there for the whole-- jackie, what are you reading? - it's a new book called the horn blows at midnight. - how is it? - stinks. (audience laughing) - well, put it away and help your father

n place here. - papa, why do you waste your time with these musicales every week? - waste time with music? - music, shmusic. why don't you play at weddings and get paid for it? (audience laughing) - son, we play music because we love it. it's, it's wonderful. music is a wonderful thing. i mean, believe me, there's something else in the world ney. - oh, papa? - what? - you're sick. (audience laughing and applauding) - mama? mama, where did the kid learn that kind of a word?

- avaricious, jackie. do you know what that means? it means stingy, greedy. i mean why are you always thinking about money? you know you can't take it with you? - well, at my age i've got a lot of time to find a way. (audience laughing) - what do you mean you got a lot of time? nobody in our family ever lived to be over 39, your great-great-grandfather. he died at 40.

finish putting the chairs in place for the musicale. - well, mama, i don't think they're gonna come today. they're two hours late now and its the-- it's freezing outside. it's the coldest day of the year. - they'll come, they'll come. don't worry. - well, maybe they're on the way now.

- henry, how long have you been standing out there? - two hours. i don't think your doorbell works. (audience laughing) inside, there's jackie, there's mama. hello, jackie. hi, emma. hello, henry. - take off your hat and your icicles. (audience laughing) n, papa. - what? - finish putting the chairs in place. - alright, now they're all here in place. now, look it, cousin harry will sit there and charlie-- charlie will sit back here. - why are you putting my brother charlie's chair way back there? - because your brother charlie drives me nuts, that's why. (audience laughing) you want to know something? he is jealous because i'm a better violinist than he is. - so how come he plays in an orchestra

one of these days! - you just hate me because my eyes are bluer than yours. (audience laughing) - they are not! - they are too! - they are not! - please, please. let's not get into that argument again. - oh, brother. if you didn't have the mortgage on this house, i'd slap your face. (audience laughing) - huh? - the others are here. - oh, yeah. maybe they're in coming up. hey, there here. come in, everybody. hello, darling. (indistinct chatter) come in harry, come in, close the door. oh, this is the first time you've been in there. well, listen, yeah, we had it all fixed up and everything and join-- join the ladies over there. take, that's right. give him your coat.

girls, how is everything? you like it, huh? you haven't seen the house since we fixed it up, have you? (audience laughing) let's see, everybody get your chairs. come on, come on. move up, everybody. come on. (audience laughing) ladies, i hope you enjoy it today. we have some nice numbers. here's the viola part. there's the cello. here's the second violin. (audience laughing)

a. (all playing the a note) give me a too. (both playing the a note) that's close enough. (charlie tapping on music stand) this is my house, i'll do that.

(audience laughing) (cello playing solo)

(audience laughing) - sandwiches, papa? - not now!

(parrot croaking) - oh, shut up, will you? (parrot whistles) (all playing their instruments together)

not so fast. wait for me, would ya? wait a minute. wait a minute. wait a-- wait a minute!

- jack will be back in just a moment,

it was a wonderfully interesting article and i'm sure my readers are going to enjoy it very, very much. - well, i hope so. - incidentally, how long did you live at home? - well, i left the house-- i left home when i, uh-- when i went into the navy during the first world war. - oh, you went into the navy? - mm-hmm. - well, how old were you? - 15. - mm-hmm. - well, that was a little young, wasn't it? - i know, but my father was on the draft board. (audience laughing) - well, thank you so much mr. benny. it's been very enjoyable. - well, you're welcome and thanks for the interview. - thank you again. - you'e welcome. - good-bye. - good-bye. well? do i look like frank sinatra?

- oh, anything for me? - it's all for you. a bill, bill, bill. - [russell] yeah, yeah, yeah. resident, that's for you. - thanks a bunch. - that's for me. it's from jeff. - what does he have to say? - please, this is private. - oh, private, private. i'm sorry i lost my head. (audience laughter) - hmmm. (laughter) oh, no. (audience laughter) - yeah? (audience laughter) hey. - it's alright with me if you want to keep your reactions private, private too. (audience laughter) - oh, jeff's so wonderful. most boys don't even like to write letters. - poor guy must have writer's cramp. why?