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tv   CBS This Morning  CBS  December 2, 2016 7:00am-9:01am EST

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diamo. announcer: ron carlton here with the news, -- captions by vitac brought to you every morning by scrub. hi, honey. uh, i thought you'd left. no. why? it's early. i have a feeling mother's going to drop in. it's late. just a minute. she promised the next time she came she'd let me know in advance. and now a special announcement. darrin stephens of this city will receive a visit from his mother-in-law today. [ ding! ] that's what you call letting me know in advance? you didn't specify how far in advance. this is for you, darling. oh. who's it from? ticheba. oh, my goodness. tiche-who? ticheba. she's -- oh, my goodness. what does she say? she -- she said -- oh, my goodness. stop saying that and tell me.
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oh, my goodness. look, honey, if it's going to upset you, just tell this ticheba not to come. [ gasps ] endora: not to come? [ laughs ] that's the funniest thing you've ever said. nobody tells ticheba anything. why not? who is she -- queen of the witches or something? that is right. that's right. ask a silly question... [ thunder crashes ] [ wind howling ]
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how very nice.
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well, thank you, your majesty. where is the main house? uh, i'm afraid this is it. really? if you don't mind, i think i'd prefer my own chair. of course not, your majesty. . [ growls ] yes? i forgot the question. uh... [ grunts ] how long is she gonna be here? samantha: well, i don't know, sweetheart. well, it doesn't matter, as long as she's gone by the time i get home. well, i'm leaving.
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come here, my dear. my dear, i have decided to abdicate, and you have been chosen to serve in my place. well, i-i'm honored, your majesty, more than words can express. and i can't accept it. i beg your pardon? what's bothering her. it's dumbo. well, that's hardly a problem. i'll turn him into something suitable, like a doormat. no. you will show me my room. i'd like to rest. well, right this way, your majesty. now, please, let me try and explain, your majesty. you see, when i married darrin, i promised i wouldn't use any witchcraft. now, he's been very understanding up until now,
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i'm married to a mortal, and i have a child and a house to take care of. one thing you must do is find quarters more suitable for a queen. perhaps you'd like some of your own furniture up here. that might help. well, now, that's better. uh, y-your majesty, do you understand? it's a bit crowded, isn't it? of course i am. i heard every word you said. your husband represents a problem, and i have told you -- i personally will take care of dumbo. his name is darrin. either way, you have no problem. what's beyond that wall? the master bedroom.
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ohh. your majesty, i refuse to be queen. we do our best, but sometimes we fail. samantha, come with me. what does that make me -- prince valiant? this is no joking matter. you're not kidding. well, it's a great, great honor, and it means a lot to me and even more to mother. and what i think doesn't count? i'm just a doormat around here, i suppose. not yet. what? i promise, you won't be inconvenienced. i won't.
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oh, uh, no, no, sweetheart. ticheba insisted upon doing a little redecorating. i-i'll change it as soon as she leaves. she feels more at home this way. where does she live -- the taj mahal? darrin, try to understand. being queen is something that every witch mother dreams of for her little girl, just as every american father dreams that someday his boy will be president. if memory serves, no president are. how do you expect to take care of your home and your family? oh, well, i've got that all worked out. whenever business does come up, i'll just take care of it after midnight. i just don't understand. why you? yeah. why me? well, um, it's -- it's sort of hard to explain. try. well, uh, certain witches are chosen at birth.
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you have no choice. and it really doesn't matter what i think? not really. [ sighs ] in that case, what can i say? oh, darrin, i knew you'd understand. all hail ticheba, our queen. [ thunder crashing ] you may rise.
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[ gong bangs ] this universal coven, i do convene. its purpose, you know, to crown a queen to rule all witchdom from this point hence. if all be present, let the oath taking commence. [ gong bangs ] [ fanfare plays ]
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[ bell ringing ] who's there? who's there?! i have an appointment with her majesty.
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u disguised as a bird? what disguise? hmm. so, i have been made a committee of one to petition your majesty for pardon for all of us. are there many of you? i'd hate to tell you how many. ticheba had a pretty short fuse, you know? one wrong word and -- bingo -- we were transformed. well, i -- oh. uh, darrin, don't tell me we woke you. it's all right. i won't tell you. i always get up at 3:00 in the morning. forgive me for not waiting in line, your majesty, but could you spare a moment of your time? certainly. you may withdraw.
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of one of the largest steel companies in the country. now, his advertising account is worth over $8.5 million in billing. if i can swing him over to our agency, they've got to give me a bonus... oh? ...or at least make me a partner. oh, well, that's wonderful, sweetheart. it won't be if i fall asleep during that meeting. most of this activity is caused by the changeover in administration. it'll taper off. you'll see. i'm gonna get myself a glass of milk. you can tell your friends i'll pardon them all. [ squawks ] you will? oh, thank you, your majesty. thank you. tell them to assemble here tomorrow, but remember, not before 12:00. thank you. here you are, mr. rohrbach. oh, thank you.
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t things are delicious, mrs. stephens. oh, well, thank you. thank you very much. i just threw them together. if you'll excuse me, i have another batch in the oven. well, i like what i see, stephens. the house -- good taste without ostentation. thank you, sir. and your wife's gonna fit into the rohrbach family real well. i'm glad you feel that way, sir. it'll take us about a week to sever relations with the company that's now handling our account. heck, what's a week? de, but -- what was that? pardon? didn't you just see a bird fly through here? what bird? that was probably just a bird -- a shadow. you need some ice. no. no. no, thanks.
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fresh out of ice. but i told you -- not until after 12:00 midnight. oh, 12:00 midnight. sam, get that bird out of here and fast. sweetheart, there's been a terrible misunderstanding. wait till you see the misunderstanding we're gonna have! [ moos ]
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you better leave before you end up in a fricassee. what's going on? i told you to wait outside, didn't i? sam, do something. you should have seen the look on rohrbach's face when that bird flew in. and i'll bet when he saw the chair -- saw the chair? holy mackerel! oh! how are you doing, sir? a chair just came in that door and walked right through this hall. mr. rohrbach, have you been, uh... i only had one, and i know what i saw. well, just think what you're saying, sir. a chair came through that door and walked through this hall?
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...than a lamp can. what kind of a place is this? what are you referring to, sir? i don't know what's going on here, but i don't want any part of it, and i don't want any part of anybody that's got any part of it. aah! before you leave, sir, what about your account? what account? [ clattering ] [ horse neighing ] all right. everybody off the fat guy and clear out till midnight. [ horse neighs, goat bleats, cow moos ] [ door slams ] darrin, i'm sorry. sam, i want you to abdicate.
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okay. you said you couldn't refuse the crown. okay. so you accepted it. you've been queen for a day. that's enough. no, it isn't. i say it is. i have to serve for at least a year. you didn't tell me that. i didn't? then he has got to walk. you're so right. "it's just for a year," she says. "okay," i say. "call me in about a year. i'll be at joe's bar and grill." i know how you feel. i got a problem with my wife, too -- her mother. with all due respect, friend, your problem can't be as bad as mine. my wife is queen of the witches.
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samantha, it's almost midnight, and the transformees will be arriving. you should be getting into your robes. i thought i heard a car. look, if he comes back, he comes back. if he doesn't, we'll open a bottle of champagne. well, i thought that was rather a good idea. well, i'm just not going to stand for it in my house. if i have to, i won't go home for a year. it's just about a year since i've been home. i mean it. i -- it is? i never should have told my mother-in-law to get out of the house. she owns it. you haven't seen your family in all that time? [ voice breaking ] i went back once about six months ago. my kid didn't recognize me. the dog bit me, and he's my dog. [ sobbing ]
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wow. you know, pal, this job gives me a chance to see some pretty good observations. now, he thinks his mother-in-law is a holy terror, and you think your wife's queen of the witches. but if the truth be it known, they all got their good points, right, pal? they sure do, pal.
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[ crickets chirping ] hi. say -- you missed all the excitement. she was sensational. the incantation was beautiful. and, you know,
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oh? and then she touched each one of us with her scepter and -- presto -- we were all back to our original form. is that better? you know, i'm gonna miss being a bird. "gonna miss being a bird." samantha, bad news. he's back. te for the monster rally. darrin! oh! mother, don't you have someplace to fly? sweetheart, now, don't you know that you're more important to me than any old crown? now, i don't know what's gonna happen if i resign. no one's ever done it, but i'm going to.
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been doing some thinking, too... and i don't want to come home someday and find out that my child doesn't know me and have the dog bite me. what dog? that's right. we don't have one. anyway, the thing i realized is that your being queen is part of what you are, and if i love you enough, i have to accept that, just the way you accept certain things about my world. so... your majesty. [ chuckles ] rise, silly goose. [ gasps ] oh, darrin! darrin, i'm terribly sorry. [ squawking ] oh, it was a terrible mistake. darrin, come back here. darrin! darrin! oh, please! darrin, please, if you'd just stand still, then i can change you back. sweetheart! sweetheart!
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yes. oh, that's a good girl.please! yes, she's grandmama's good girl. well, how are we doing? did anyone ever tell you that this child is positively incredible? you tell her something, and she never forgets it. now, watch. tabitha, stay right there. now, watch grandmama. who is the prettiest little lady in the whole wide world? grandmama. [ chuckles ] i believe in telling a child the absolute truth. did anyone ever tell you that you are impossibly endearing? now, you run along and have a nice lunch with what's his name. oh, i'm not having lunch with what's his name. you're not? no, i'm having lunch with darrin. now, mother, one last thing -- please remember, no witchcraft in front of tabitha. you know how it upsets him. who?
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bye-bye, love. be a good girl, and take care of grandmama. you hear what she said? hmm? now, shall we pick out a nice toy to play with? hmm? what about the soldier? no. the drummer? no. what about the teddy bear? [ tinkles ] [ gasps ] oh, tabitha! tabitha, how marvelous... especially when you consider the discouraging atmosphere around here. isn't it a pretty little doll? you're doing very well, tabitha. [ thunder crashing ] well, about time! know how long i've been tracking you down?
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expecting a couple of thousand guests, the way i hear it. oh, fiddle-faddle. i know all that. it's next week. no, it ain't. it's been moved up to today -- 11:00. oh, how dreadful. all those people expecting me, and here i am, sitting with a baby. well, appears to me you got plenty of babysitters. pick any one of them toys, put a spell on it, and you've got yourself a sitter. of course. you're absolutely right. thank you for an excellent suggestion. don't thank me. just leave a forwarding address next time. [ thunder crashes ] ahh! well! there. i think this is a nice babysitter. now, watch, tabitha.
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say "hello" to your babysitter. hi. [ chuckles ]
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you tell your insurance company they made a mistake. the check they sent isn't enough to replace your totaled new car. the guy says they didn't make the mistake. you made the mistake. i beg your pardon?
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let me be frank, he says. you picked the wrong insurance plan. no. i picked the wrong insurance company. with liberty mutual new car replacement?, we'll replace the full value of your car plus depreciation. call 1-844-231-7721. make the switch to liberty mutual and see why we've been awarded highest in customer satisfaction by j.d. power. at 1-844-231-7721. that's 1-844-231-7721. liberty stands with you?
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isn't that fun, tabitha? would you care to take the busby off? or are you more comfortable with it on? it's a shame we can't make you talk. but as long as you understand, i suppose you'll do. now, look. the juice is in the refrigerator. and if there's anything you need, just...ring, and i'll pop right back. all right? have fun, lovebug. [ ding! ] juice.
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[ ding! ] juice. drink. hello? hello? uh, honey... you wouldn't believe what just went on in larry's office. i finally had to invite him to dinner tonight. oh? what's the matter? well, i-i just called the house,
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but nobody said "hello." nobody said "hello"? [ ding! ] mother! [ drumming in distance ]
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you want to tell me again how responsible your mother is?! well... no. i'm sorry to have to do this to you, sweetheart. but until you unlearn what your loving grandmother taught you, it's got to be done. sorry, honey. well? oh, no, i can't seem to locate her, so we'll just have to wait till she gets back. meanwhile, we'd better cancel dinner. i already have -- uh, sort of. "sort of"? well, i called larry and left a message with louise. luckily, larry wasn't there. but the chases are on their way here. what do i tell them when they get here? "welcome to disneyland"?
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you don't understand. those things running around in there make me nervous. just because i don't have an ulcer now doesn't mean i can't get one!
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hi, hon! oh, hi! a little wine for our hosts. oh, they just called. the dinner's off. oh? it's something about tabitha. what's wrong with her? but, uh, he said it's nothing serious, one of those 24-hour things. that's a shame. oh, i'm sure she'll be fine. no, i mean about the dinner. i was looking forward to spending the evening with bob chase. [ sighs ] did you know he had sam and darrin to dinner a few weeks ago? well, what about it? well, i'm not saying that i suspect him of anything, but he has been getting awfully chummy with one of our best clients. and it wouldn't be the first time
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you know something, larry? you're sick. really? i'd rather be sick than sorry. hey, you know, the chases will be high and dry, too. why don't i give them a call and invite them out to dinner? good suggestion. larry. just remember this -- chase's billings come to over $10 million. hello? this is larry tate. may i speak to bob chase, please? well, do you know where i can reach them? i see. no, thanks. i know the number. sick, huh? larry, i'm sure there must be some explanation. you bet there is! darrin doesn't want me there with chase. look. will you stop exaggerating? i'll fix us a nice dinner, and we'll open the wine, okay? that wine is too expensive for us to drink. i bought it to impress chase.
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i'm restless. i think i'll go out for a little ride. larry, now, you just promise me you're not gonna do anything foolish. like what? like going by darrin's to check. are you kidding? you think i'm gonna barge in there and make a complete fool of myself? well, i should hope not. i'll just drive by and see what i can see from the street. when your mother gets back, believe me, she's gonna hear a few thousand well-chosen words from me! darrin, that's it. that's not it. i don't think so. i'm sure it was something terribly important that took her away. i never thought i'd be mad about her being taken away. [ tinkles ]
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about the only good thing that's happened so far is that larry wasn't home when i called. sometimes he's like a kid. [ crickets chirping ] [ drumming in distance ] oh, my goodness! aah! a costume party. hold it. hold it! hold it! hold it! everybody upstairs! everybody upstairs! we'll get these three upstairs and lock them in, then come back for the others.
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hello, there. quite a party, huh? say, uh, did you happen to run into bob chase in there? and she calls me sick. say, don't i know you? wait a minute. i thought so. you must be the new man in accounting, right? now, don't tell me the name. i'll get it. uh... max hopkins, right? i never forget an employee's name -- never. confidentially, max...
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well, that's it, except for the soldier. i'll go get him. you check tabitha. let's -- let's you and i have a little discussion, hmm? but not here -- let's go someplace and have a drink, okay? [ vehicle door opens ] larry: hop in, max. oh, watch your hat. off we go. [ engine turns over ] [ gasps ] oh, my stars! well, they're all locked up, and tabitha's asleep. now if your mother would only get back. what about the soldier? did you find him? w-- uh, sort of. what do you mean by that? he left.
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you work and slave to build up an organization, and then what happens? one sour apple comes along, and the barrel goes down the drain. know what i mean? got to say one thing for you, max. you're a darn good listener -- a very good quality in a man. [ slurring ] what's that? we get all kinds in here, from the normal to the mentally insane. [ telephone rings ] happy times bar. joe the mixologist speaking. is larry tate there with a fellow in costume? yeah, they're here. good. keep them there. i'll do the best i can. bye. that's where they are.
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yeah, but now that i've found them, what am i gonna tell him? hmm. drink up, max. you're gonna go far with mcmann & tate, because one thing we value -- well, well, well. if it isn't speak of the devil. larry, i've got to talk to you. there's nothing to talk about. it's all been said and done. you stay there, max. now, look, larry... max? no use pretending. max has already told me that you asked him to join your new agency. how could he tell you -- what new agency? will you stop it? the one you're raiding my staff and stealing my clients to open is the one. check! check, please! but, larry, uh -- uh, here. this should cover it.
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abbing me in the back, you brutus. uh, larry, doesn't it seem odd to you that, uh, max, as you call him, hasn't said a word all evening? well, some people don't have small talk. but he's a great listener. you could take a lesson from him. larry, he's not human! oh, n-now -- now you're going overboard. i'll admit he's kind of dull, but... i'm trying to tell you something! he's a doll! well, make up your mind. either you like him or you don't. larry, please, let's sit down. please? please sit down. samantha's mother was babysitting for us today. and, larry, you're not going to believe this, but she -- ohh! hi, larry. did you see that? i didn't see anything. what are you talking about? nothing. i'll have a double this time.
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uh, excuse us, larry. where did she come from? beats me. the toys got away again. but fortunately, mother arrived and took care of them. what's going on here? well, larry thinks we're having a costume party. and he thinks that he's an employee and that i'm trying to sal him and bob chase to open my own agency! but that's crazy! i know! but how do we convince larry? e me the spell, so i'll just change him back to toy size. right here?! believe me, it's the only way to straighten larry out. now, you go keep him busy for a minute. i'll have another drink. so, uh, max told you everything, huh, larry? yeah. and for your information, he's going to stick with me. larry, if you don't mind,
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right. max? i want you to tell benedict arn-- i want you to tell... you mean, uh... i've spent the whole evening talking to a toy soldier? cute little fellow, isn't he? here's that drink you ordered. are you kidding? i'm off that stuff for good! and i'm taking this to remind me. uh, larry, perhaps we ought to drive you home. oh, don't i know it.
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right, max? uh, come on, larry.
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i don't know why you're still angry. everything turned out all right. mother apologized all over the place. it's the first time she's ever done that. the point is, tabitha can still put a spell on her toys. what are we going to do about that?! her not to, the way we teach her not to do other things that are wrong, like throwing things and -- turning toys into people is not like throwing things! well, sweetheart, i had a -- i had a talk with her. and i'm -- i'm sure she really understands. i hope you're right. oh, isn't she a little doll? hmm? angel. this is tabitha. isn't that cute?
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for me? okay. you can talk to my dad on the phone. thank you. hello? this is daddy speaking. who is this? pittsburgh?! excuse the call! well, isn't that wonderful? i mean, i couldn't do that until i was 5 years old. on a toy telephone! doesn't that bother you? darrin, i love you. daddy mad. besides, if the phone company doesn't find out, what difference does it make?
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[roger whistles] -- captions by vitac -- bootsie nightingale. boy, i've always been crazy about her. yeah. sounds like mrs. bellows cooked up a swinging affair for a change. yeah, you may have a problem. what do you mean? well, jeannie. you and all those beautiful women? she probably won't even let you go. oh. don't worry about jeannie. i'll take care of her. how? i'll lie. [???] i have to go, jeannie. it's--it's business. i really don't want to. why do they call it a ball? it's just an expression. people give these parties to raise money, and everybody goes and has a terrible time. well, i do not want you to have a terrible time. thanks. so, i will go too. huh? i'll take charge of the entertainment. i'll have elephants, jugglers, clowns, lions and tigers-- and i'll have a full-fledged general court-martial. no, thank you very much. it's very kind of you, jeannie, but i'll just have to suffer for one night.
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yeah, well... sometimes we all have to give a little extra.
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[???? bootsie, baby, please. you're boring me, sweetie. but every big shot in the space program will be there. don't you understand? think of your career. i'm gonna have a career in space? the newspapers, television, radio, there'll be reporters and photographers all over the place. and there you'll be, sweetheart, looking beautiful and gorgeous telling them about your next picture, huh? now, you gotta do this.
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if i didn't know what i was talking about, now would i? kiss herman. oh, i don't wanna kiss herman. now, would you listen to me, bootsie? i got a great idea that's gonna get your picture on the front page of every newspaper in the country. you will be america's sweetheart. kiss herman. ain't you even gonna ask me what the great idea is? will you ask me already? what's the great idea? you know what you're gonna do at the benefit ball at the space center, huh? you're gonna get yourself engaged to a handsome astronaut. huh? oh! oh, we love it! [barks] [???] have a good day, master. oh, i'm gonna have a wonderful day, jeannie. hi, jeannie. hi.
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ireworks, huh? fireworks? of course not. then it's all right about saturday night? let's go, roger. oh, you mean about the ball? of course. i am going to stay home, and major nelson will go. yeah, well, you sure have the all-american know-how. yeah, let's go. bootsie nightingale, here we come. yeah. see you later. what is a bootsie nightingale? oh, um, uh, tell her, roge. oh, didn't you tell her about bootsie nightingale? tony: no. oh, bootsie nightingale is an award. it's an oscar. the movies have their oscars, and the, uh, tv have their emmys. and the hospital benefits have their bootsie nightingales. yeah, that--that's right. wh-what do you think of that? not much. all right, bootsie is a... roge, um... bootsie nightingale is a movie star. and she's gonna be a guest at the benefit ball. now you're in trouble. tony: no, don't be silly. jeannie understands about these things, don't you, jeannie? oh, yes. that is why you are in trouble.
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oh, i'm not going with bootsie nightingale. i may not even meet her. there'll be a hundred people there. a hundred and one. no, you're not going. oh, but why? well, because i have a--a lot of the guests to take care of. yeah, and there's going to be a lot of guests that need taking care of. and you will not be with this footsie nightingale? [chuckles] "bootsie." bootsie nightingale. i'm afraid the old girl will just have to find herself another escort. she's old? uh, she used to play opposite rudolph valentino. rudolph valentino? aristophanes. oh. she is old. well, i'll-- i'll see you later. but i have never been to a benefit ball! jeannie: master. i just remembered, i have a perfect dress to wear. it was designed by cleopatra, and mark antony loved it. oh, well, let him give a party for you. you're not coming to this one. now, where are you, jeannie? is it because you would be ashamed of me? ah, you know that's not the reason.
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jeannie? [sighs] well, you know how i feel about you. i'd never be ashamed to take you any place. i bet you'd look beautiful in cleopatra's gown. maybe you can wear it some other time. maybe she'll give-- if you're busy with cleopatra, i can come back. no, sir. i wasn't speaking-- i was just speaking out loud actually. oh, yes. do you talk to cleopatra very often? no. no, i wasn't speaking to cleopatra. i was, let me explain-- psychologically, it's very healthy to act out your little fantasies. say hello for me, won't you? i've always been the great admirer of hers. [jeannie laughs] uh, what'd you say? nothing. [jeannie laughs] thanks, thanks very much. oh, thanks. now, colonel, it's very important that we get the right guy to escort bootsie. now, i need a fellow with a lot of zing. you know what i mean, colonel?
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fun astronaut. with a lot of pizzazz. a lot of pizzazz. and good-looking and a little bit offbeat, you know what i mean, colonel? a-a-a--colorful. you got anybody here th-that's got a lot of color? i have just the man you're looking for, mr. dawkin. oh, uh, sergeant. tell major nelson i want to see him. colonel, are you ready for this? that's bootsie. you can certainly see she has talent. major nelson, you're escorting miss nightingale to the benefit ball. oh, um... well, i think you'd better get somebody else, sir. oh, he's really colorful. what's the matter with you? you've got something against beautiful women? oh, no. it's just that i don't think i deserve what's gonna happen to me. he's modest. it's all settled, major.
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um, but this is a social affair. now, surely nasa can't order me-- this order did not come from nasa, major nelson. it came from the top. the president? higher than that. my wife. [???] [sighs] you look so handsome, master. well, thank you, jeannie. do you know who you should take tonight? no, no. who? nightingale. what, uh--? what made you say that? i feel sorry for her. an old woman all alone at a party with no one to talk to. if you were her escort, think how exciting it would be. yeah, i've thought. i've thought. she would never get over it. yeah, a lot of us would have a hard time getting over it. why don't you stay at home now and forget about the party and have a wonderful time looking at television, huh? [doorbell rings] yes, master. i'll get it. it's probably roger.
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i just heard you have a date with the girl i'm going to marry. keep your voice down. you steal the most beautiful woman in the world away from me? you want me to keep my voice down? easy. well, gee, i have a mind to tell her the whole truth, that would fix you. that would fix everybody. good evening, major healey. oh, hi, jeannie. you forgot this, master. oh, thank you, jeannie. i wish you were not going to have such a terrible time. terrible time? oh, with the party? yes. yeah, well, i wish i were going to the dentist. roger, let's go. we'll see you later. bye. bye. boy, you really got her eating out of your hands. tony: yeah, but i have to keep counting my fingers. come on. [growls] [chuckles] are you sure he's cute, sam? bootsie, how many times do i have to tell you, honey? he's adorable.
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that's the way i like 'em. bootsie: you got me all excited, sam. i can hardly wait to meet him. sam: and he's on his way up. oh, he's here! hello, there. i've been waiting for you. [high-pitched voice] i'm major anthony nelson. [chuckles] well. [tony clears throat] [tony laughs]
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john, we're giving you a raise. that's fantastic! but i'm gonna pass. are you ok? honey, you got another present. no thank you, dad. who says no to more? time warner cable internet gives you more of what you and those little data hoggers want. like ultra-fast speeds up to 300 megs. that's 50x faster than dsl. this internet speed is sick. get 50 meg internet starting at $39.99 a month. and with home wifi, the whole family can be online at once. g reat for kids to stream scary shows while not cleaning their room. you'll also get our exclusive 1-hour arrival window, a money-back guarantee, and there's no contract to sign. get 50 meg internet with no data cap starting at $39.99 a month. plus, free installation and access to over 500,000 twc wifi? hotspots nationwide. would rex pass up more beef stew?
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say yes to more. call now. [high-pitched voice] i must have caught a slight cold. this is all man? sam: he didn't talk like that before. well, if you think i'm going out with him,
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[clears throat] i think i know someone who can cure this almost instantly. i think, if you could just be patient. he sounds like he escaped from a cartoon. get him out of here. tony: b-but listen-- i'm sorry, major. why don't you go home and come back when you're feeling better. i can-- sam: nothing personal. but this is not m-my voice. what is your next false move? you're around here someplace. dr. bellows gave-- jeannie! jeannie! tony, where you been? i've been waiting in that car for hours. wh-where's bootsie? oh, she's in there. listen, i came to pick her up, and listen what happened to my voice? [laughs] very funny. jeannie! jeannie, where are you? better count your fingers.
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oh, come in. come in. say something. i love you. he'll do. sam: yeah, major, how would you like to escort miss nightingale to the benefit ball tonight? [sighs] tony: jeannie, it was my fault. i didn't tell you the whole-- roger! roger. tell her that this voice condition is just temporary. go ahead, tell her. tell her. poor devil, that's what happens when you're up in space too long. wai-- aah! she's a sweet little old lady. jeannie, get rid of this voice. [normal voice] voice. now, do you know what you've done? yes, master. if you will excuse me now, i must get dressed. i am going to my first charity ball! oh, no, you're not.
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[chuckles] well. here we are. yes, we certainly are. [sighs] you know, i could spend the rest of my life looking at you. oh, i dig you too. i mean it was like, wow, pow! the first time i set eyes on you... robert. it's r-roger. yes. and you can call me bootsie, baby. bootsie baby. excuse me, have you seen major nelson? who? she means mickey mouse.
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pardon me, alfred? oh, excuse me, neil. darling, where is major nelson? oh, isn't he with miss nightingale? no, miss nightingale is with major healey. well, i arranged for major nelson to be her escort. something must have gone wrong. what do you mean? well, miss nightingale just called major nelson mickey mouse. mickey mouse? why would she call him that? i don't know. but i smell a rat. oh! let's go look for him, darling. yes. no, thank you. thank you very much. now, let's see... i'm sorry. that's okay. there. good evening, master, darling. do you like my new dress? jeannie-- oh, it's a lovely party. thank you so much for inviting me. i-i-i not only didn't invite you, i am ordering you to leave immediately. [high-pitched voice] if you ever do this to me again, i'm gonna-- [clears throat]
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oh, thank you, master. yeah. [normal voice] thank you, thank you. thank you. i will see you later. wait a minute, where's miss nightingale? oh, she's with major healey. huh? they make a perfect couple. i c-c-can't get over it. what can't you get over, baby? me sitting here with you. holding my hand? h-holding your h-hand. [gasps] oh, i'm sorry. that's all right. i guess i'm a little nervous. you nervous? why, i bet you just drive all the girls wild with your animal magnetism. well, i wouldn't say i drive them wild-- if there's anything i love, it's a modest hero. i just get chills all over thinking about those planets you go to. mars and juniper and...
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yes, and venus. venus, the planet of love. after we're engaged, you'll have to stay on the ground. well, i can't stay on the ground. you see, we're working on this apollo mission and to the moon... after we're engaged? if that's what you want. if that's what i want? i want what you want. right now, i want you to get off my foot. i'm sorry. your dress. i'll get the maid to sew it up. don't move. stay right there. oh, tony. tony? oh, hi. well, congratulate me. congratulations. aren't--? aren't you gonna ask me why? no. where's bootsie nightingale? that's why. what? we're engaged. i'm engaged to bootsie nightingale. we're going to get married. what are you talking about?
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hey, everything a-o--? what happened to you? i'll tell you what happened to me. that astronaut happened to me. ten-to-one, he'll knock down the moon. lower your voice. [laughs] you're talking about your fianc?. are you kidding me? i'll go back to television first. don't, uh-- don't even say that in jest. i've already hinted to the press that you'll marry the astronaut. they don't grow on bushes, you know. oh, that's all i needed. now, here comes mickey mouse. i've been looking everywhere for you. i wanted to explain-- your voice. oh, yes, i wanted to explain about that. i love it. huh? you can make the announcement. give me 10 minutes. that's my girl. i'm major anthony nelson. i was supposed to escort-- oh, you don't have to tell me who you are, sweetie. i go to sleep every night
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tony: i, uh--i-- i'll bet you drive all the girls wild with your animal magnetism. i-i beg your pardon? if there's anything i love, it's a modest hero. i get chills all over thinking of those planets you go to. mars and juniper... [chuckles] jupiter. and venus. well, i--i just talked to, uh, roger. he was under the impression-- he's a boy. yeah, well, he's old enough to-- i like men. [laughing] roger says that you think you wanna get married. don't you? oh, of course. one of these--
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ah-ha! ladies and gentlemen, can i have your attention, please? please. miss bootsie nightingale has a very important announcement to make. [drumroll] this is the happiest moment of my life. bootsie: ladies and gentlemen, my dear fans... what is going on? i think she'll make a little wedding announcement. excuse me. bootsie: thank every one of you for making this possible for me. they're not giving you an oscar, sweetheart. just make the announcement. bootsie: excuse me. come on. sam: do you mind? [shrieks] oh, never mind. oh, that's a trooper.
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ladies and gentlemen i've just become engaged to the most wonderful-- [shrieks] [crowd murmuring] [wailing] bootsie, baby, what have they done to you? what, what happened, baby? get away from me. get away! now, now, bootsie... sam: i do not want to hurt you. will you stop...? "to me, life insurance was always a nice-to-have, not a must". but over the years, i've seen families i know lose someone who didn't have it- and then really struggle with money." final expenses-such as funeral costs, medical bills, and other debts-can put a financial burden on your loved ones. guaranteed acceptance life insurance from
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[???] have you heard from major healey this morning, master? no. i think he's probably so upset about what happened last night, he doesn't want to show his face. major healey falls in love very easily, does he not?
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hi, roger hi, tony. hi, jeannie. we were just talking about you. good morning, major healey. how are you feeling? h--? how am i feeling? i never felt better in my whole life. oh, we were afraid that you would be unhappy because you didn't marry bootsie nightingale. me unhappy? oh, you don't think i took that seriously, do you? didn't you? you've got to learn to know me better. you don't think i was impressed with the hollywood phony glamour. she was just another blond. good, good. would you like a cup of coffee? no, thank you. i'm in kind of a hurry. tony, can i borrow your car? what's the matter with yours? i'm having trouble with my brakes. could you lend me your keys? there's a fellow waiting-- good morning, everybody. hi, fellow. what a beautiful day to go flying. major healey has promised to take me for a ride in his very own space capsule. i'm so excited. i can just imagine the newspaper headlines now. glamorous hollywood star and handsome astronaut
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hello. oh, hello. was today any better, master? oh, not too bad. not too bad, jeannie. i slipped and fell in a puddle of oil. and i lost my wallet. and i burned up a fuel-ratio chart i'd been working on for the last couple of weeks, but that is... i just don't know what's gone wrong, jeannie. i just-- oh, do not worry, master. it will not last much longer. ot. i don't think i can survive. you don't mind if i have dinner in bed? oh, i'm afraid not, master. we are expecting a guest. tonight? tonight? well, listen, i-- i'm not really in a mood to have guests tonight. why don't you, uh-- you tell mozart or shakespeare or king lear-- whoever it is. just tell them i'm tired. i'm not interested in having them. [knocking] oh, it is too late. oh, no, it's not. i'll get it, and i'll send them away. please, please.
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oh, hello. hi, i hope i'm not late. i'm helen wheeler. hello. hi, how are you? i'm so glad you could come. thank you. this is major nelson. how do you do? i know, i'm a big fan of yours. oh? oh, you two have so much in common. jeannie, um... jeannie. now just relax and pretend like this is your home. jeannie, could i speak to you a minute please? oh, well, i, uh-- i must see to the dinner. make yourselves comfortable. yeah. uh, you and jeannie old friends? well, we met in the beauty parlor this morning. ahh. your sister certainly thinks the world of you. yes, we have quite a nice relationship. my s-- my sister? she adores you. [laughs] yes, yes. good kid.
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you didn't read your car insurance policy. you just stuck it in a drawer somewhere and forgot about it. until a dump truck hit your pickup truck
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jeannie. well, dinner will be ready in a minute, master. never mind about dinner. i wanna talk to you, sister. [laughs] oh, sister. yes, what do you think you're doing? well, i'm finding you a girlfriend. is she not pretty? and she can cook and sew. yeah, w-- wait a minute. what's going on? the last girl i even looked at, you turned into a chimpanzee. what have-- what have you got in store for this one? oh, well, i will never behave that way again, master. you to have all the girlfriends you wish. you what? after all, you are a-- a handsome, young bachelor. you should-- you should be going out every night. yeah, but i-- well, i thought that you and i had something-- oh, well, for-- forget about me, master. you will like helen, and you have a great deal in common. i found her through a computer machine at a dating club. a computer machine at a dating club? helen graduated from the university of florida.
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that-- that's a master's degree. oh, i thought when you were a boy, it was a master's degree, but if you were a girl-- no, no. no, it doesn't-- no, doesn't work that way. oh. well, anyway. she was voted miss north cocoa beach. she has worked as a model. she loves children. your sister's my biggest booster. yeah, she seems to be. well, if you will excuse me now, i think i will go, uh... um, clean up the patio. oh, i had no idea it was that late. would you mind calling a taxi for me? oh, major nelson will drive you home. sure, sure. why don't you come with us, huh? [phone rings] don't-- hello? don't answer the phone, would you, please? it is for me. i cannot talk now. [quietly] he's here. yes, i remember what you said. then why aren't you out of there, darling?
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i-i will meet you later. ah, good show. [laughs] and who was that, huh? mm. ah! a friend. shall we go? oh, yes, you two just run along. yeah, she probably has a date or something. yes. you do? uh-huh. you have a date? mm-hm. tonight? mm-hm. oh, well, i... well, i guess we better be running along. bye, jeannie. thanks for the dinner. oh, it was nothing. have a good time. thank you. well, good night...sis. he's gone. oh, yes. if only i could tell him why i must leave. and have him beg you to stay? oh, believe me, darling, the best thing for you to do is to go on back home and don't say a word to him. but he is already suspicious. he's wondering why i'm introducing beautiful girls to him.
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i'd like to know too. i am doing it because i cannot bear the thought of him being alone all those years. i must get him married before i leave. get him--? [laughs] good thinking, good thinking. my, when they passed out brains in our family, they really gave you an extra helping. thank you. [laughs] she's incredible. imagine, a genie believing in jinxes. [laughs] well, time to go to work. [both laughing] thanks so much for bringing me home. my pleasure. will i see you again? well, i, uh, certainly-- [squeals] oh! oh! [grunting] [laughing] not if i can help it, darling. wait! oh!
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and you think i did it? well, it wouldn't be the first time. a-are you sure you didn't get jealous-- oh, of course not, master. i wanted you to go out with her. all i was doing is standing there saying good night, and the whole trellis fell down on top of me. well, it, uh, must have been an accident. yeah, i-- i guess they don't build trellises the way they used to, huh? do you like her, master? huh? oh, yeah, yeah. she's a very nice girl. then you will see her again tomorrow night. no, you and i are going to the ballet tomorrow night. oh, well, i-- i am sorry. i cannot. i-- i made another date. oh, i see. well, hope you go and... have a lot of fun. mm-hm. i will. good. good night. good night. poor master. oh, poor me. it's major nelson here.
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i-- i see. when he does, would you have him drop in and see me at my office? yes, it's-- it's rather important. thank you. major? oh. i was in the building. i just had to drop in and say hello. nice to see you. oh, amanda. you really shouldn't barge in like this. i'm sure that major nelson's in the middle of something very important. no. i-- i just had a wonderful idea, major. alfred told me that you play a marvelous game of bridge. well, i-- i play occasionally, yes. well, now, if you're not going to be busy a week from tonight, alfred and i would love to have you come by the house and play bridge with us. you see, the leeds, our regular partners, are out of town. perhaps you'd like to bring someone. good idea. yes, major, how about, uh, your girlfriend? um, well, as a matter of fact, there is someone i'd like to bring. oh, lovely. well, we'll be looking forward to it. oh, well, thank you. oh, hi. i'm sorry, i didn't know you had company. the gate said you wanted to see me. we were about to leave. hello, major healey. hello, mrs. bellows.
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amanda. hm? [groans] goodbye. i can't wait to see him on the moon. is anything wrong? they said it was urgent. yeah, i got a problem. it's jeannie. did anything happen to jeannie? i think she's trying to get rid of me. why would she wanna do that? she's crazy about you. yeah, well, i thought so too. she brought a-- a beautiful girl home last night, roger. practically threw her at me. i mean, she was gorgeous. she'll get me another one. wait, wait, wait, wait. jeannie brought a beautiful girl home to you, and said if you didn't like her, she'd get another. she never did anything like this before. yeah, well, i happen to be free tonight, maybe the other girl, you could get for me. i think she's planning on-- on leaving me. did you have a fight or something? no, i didn't have any fight. i-- well, i don't think so. i don't know, i just don't know. well, maybe, uh, she's just tired of you, and she wants a new master. wha--? what do you mean? you're not so easy to live with, you know. who says so?
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you yell, you never take her to dinner. you always leave her home. you take her for granted. you wanna know something? you're a rotten master. i am not a rotten master. i happen to be very good. i gotta put up with a lot-- you gotta put up with a lot? that's pretty funny. you gotta put up with-- i waited all morning to hear you give me this kind of advice? you waited all morning? if you don't want my advice, why don't you just get out? you bet your life! yeah, you bet your life, yeah. oh. and i have to-- he-- i'm sorry. yeah, i'm-- i'm sorry too. besides, it's-- it's my office. yeah. it's your-- it's your office. silly argument. nice one. you look very nice, master. oh, thanks, jeannie. i hope helen thinks so. oh, i am sure she will.
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for you. oh, yeah. i can't thank you enough for finding helen for me, jeannie. she's really a wonderful girl. bright and beautiful and warm. warm? mm-hm. oh, well, i-- i'm glad. jeannie? yes, master. you know, um... i don't have to take helen out tonight. i mean, i thought maybe you and i could take a drive on the beach. oh, well, i'm sorry, master. but i cannot break my date. oh. i see. well... well, have fun. oh. i'm gonna have a lot of fun. oh, i hope so.
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jeannie! jea-- what are you trying to do to me, anyway? i could have been killed. what happened? you know perfectly well what happened. the top of my car attacked me. oh, dear. oh, well, i-- i-i-i must fix it. you've fixed enough already. listen, if you're jealous of me because i'm taking helen out-- oh, no, master, no. i want you to take her out.
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well, good. good. because i'm taking her out on a picnic tomorrow. hope you're hungry, 'cause i have nothing but food. oh, good, good. what did you bring? well, i have a little chicken and i have little sandwiches. yeah? and fruits. wait till you see this chicken. there we are. is there any left? what? orange juice. oh, sure. may i? [gasps] tony! oh, darling. i did not. you did too. i did not. you did. listen, i'm taking helen out again, and just to make certain you're not gonna interfere, i want you to get back in your bottle.
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in. oh, no, you do not-- come on, in. but-- jeannie. i can't-- [squeals] very well, master. thank you. yeah. [???]
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[screaming] jeannie! somebody help! hey! over here, tony. helen, come here. helen: oh, help me. help! helen! stop. wait. come back. [laughs] all right, i don't know how you got out of there, but i'm sure gonna find out-- you're still in there.
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home ear-- you are wet. uh-huh. oh, thanks. what happened? oh, just another one of my little accidents. wait a minute. you-- you couldn't have done it. you were in the bottle. you didn't do it. no. now, what's going on here? now, what is it? i am bringing you bad luck. who told you that? my sister. your si--? your sister? your sister's back here again? huh, your sister? i am under the terrible sign of the jinx. jeannie, don't you realize she's tricked you again? there's-- there's no terrible sign of the jinx. she's responsible for all these accidents. then i do not have to leave you? no, of course not. oh, i'm so happy! ah! shh. where is she? where is who? your sister. oh, i do not know. we've gotta catch her. well-- well, how are we go-- shh. going to do that? we are going to trap her.
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oh, but master, she's very-- shh. she's very powerful. how are you going to do that? uh, well, we've gotta find some bait for the trap. uh, let's see. does she like, um, um, furs? furs? no. um... yachts? no. uh, caviar? no. uh, perfume? no. uh, men? no. yes. what, men? perfume. yeah? oh, she's so spoiled she makes her master keep her in a perfume bottle. yeah? [laughing] okay, we'll just spoil her a little more. uh, now i've gotta get dressed, i'm taking helen to a bridge party you're going out with helen tonight? well, it was your idea, you know. oh, but i-- jeannie, i'm doing it for you. [knocking on door] bellows: oh, here they are. amanda: yeah. well, good evening, major nelson. dr. bellows, mrs. bellows. this is helen wheeler. well, hello, miss wheeler. welcome, helen. sorry i'm late. oh. i had to drop into a store to get, uh, mrs. bellows a little present.
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uh... maybe you'd like to open it? now? yes. yes, why not? oh, miss wheeler, won't you, uh... please call me helen. let's see, let's see. oh, major, it's miss moderne. that is my very favorite. oh, really? thank you so much. i'm so glad you like it, it's nothing. maybe you'd like to try it, huh? why now? well, i love the smell of perfume, sir. oh. don't you? well, i-- all right. love, this is my favorite. [sniffs] mm. [mouths words] helen? well, all right. dr. bellows? major. oh, i'm sorry. oh, i'm sorry. bellows: major... can we begin now, please? yes, of course. [bellows humming] major. yes? it's your play. mm? oh, yes. all right, sir. major. mm-hm? clubs are called for. oh. can i take it back? you have to.
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my trick. helen: may i have some water? bellows: oh, certainly. excuse me. i'll get some too. uh... here you are, mrs. bellows. thank you very much. here you are, helen. thank you. you trumped my ace. huh? oh, oh... well, that... that was my card, yeah. what-- major, you have your whole hand exposed. oh. uh. i'm sorry.
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what are you doing? uh, mrs. bellows, i wonder if i could talk to you, please. yes, what? may i borrow your perfume? whatever for? i forgot it's helen's birthday, and, uh, she loves perfume. major, it's been opened. yes, i-- i know, but it's-- it's the sentiment that counts. she's very sentimental. well, if you think she'd like an unwrapped, open bottle of someone else's perfume, go right ahead. that's very kind of you. would you like the box? oh, major. now, look-- it's-- it's 9:00, sir. so? well, i've been working for three and a half weeks on the sagittarius project. i had no idea. i'm sorry, i just can't keep my eyes open. i guess in that case, we can't expect-- helen. thank you so much, sir. you must come again. thanks for the bridge game. we'll do it again. good night. thank you, good night. you know, really, amanda, sometimes i feel that every-- your towel. alfred. yes, amanda.
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hmm. jeannie, i got her. jeannie! yes, master. oh. i got her. oh, how wonderful. safely locked away. when are we going to let her out? we're not gonna let her out. you're gonna put her someplace where we won't have to worry about her again. oh, but master-- wait a minute. i went through a lot of trouble to catch that young girl. you get rid of her. put her someplace where we won't have to see her for 2000 years. oh, well, i cannot do that, master. what? there, we will mail her back to her master in baghdad.
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ll be going to the surf for dinner. mm-hm. and then perhaps dancing and a-a drive along the beach. that's right. it is a beautiful night for it. yeah, yeah. full moon. have a wonderful time. i will. a-and do not worry about getting home early. i won't. i will be fine. good. good night, jeannie. good night. well, why should he not go out with helen? the computer said she would be perfect for him. oh, what does the old computer know? [knocking on door] who is it? me. master. well, aren't you dressed yet? they're not gonna hold a table. it's a very busy restaurant. but i thought-- you know i hate to have a date keep me waiting. now will you hurry up? oh, master. oh, i am so happy. jeannie. the next time you wanna know who's right for me... don't ask a machine. ask me. [knocking on door]
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oh, it's roge. hi. hi, roge. hi. you sure have a sweet-smelling mailbox. look what just i found, a bottle of perfume. no, don't open-- whoa! [screaming] [?? ? green acres is the place to be ? ? farm livin' is the life for me ? ? land spreadin' out so far and wide ? ? keep manhattan, just give me that countryside ? ? new york is where i'd rather stay ? ? i get allergic smelling hay ? ? i just adore a penthouse view ?


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