Skip to main content

tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  February 19, 2016 10:35pm-11:36pm CST

10:35 pm
from "the danish girl," oscar nominee alicia vikander. jake byrd at a donald trump rally. and music from nothing but thieves. with cleto and the cletones. and now, as luck would have it, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. hi, everybody. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. [ cheers and applause ] i pe you're ready to party. i really do. hey, you know, tonight is mardi gras. it's a big night of celebration. mardi means tuesday in french. gras means fat. it is fat tuesday in newew orleans right now. everybody is drunk.
10:36 pm
nobody gets a pass on mardi gras. it's an interesting day in america today because we're voting for candidates for president in one state and flashing our nipples in another state. [ laughter ] in new hampshire tod the first official primary of the election season, and they had a bit of fat tuesday action themselves. this is a pig, a 600-pound pig. it escaped from a local farm. it made its way to a polling location. a school in pelham, new hampshire. it took the police about an hour to round the pig up. [ laughter ] this officer appeared to be doing some kind of a square dance with the animal. swing your parartner do--do. they got in touch with the owner. the owner eventually came -- watch this pig tormenting the police. [ laughter ] the owr came, stuffed it in the back seat of his kia sorrento and the pig is safe back home on his farm. and no, the pig did not wind up at the polling place because he was being chased by chris christie. that is a rumor. and shame on you guys for even
10:37 pm
[ laughter ] this is the -- this is the 10th -- the 100th anniversary of the new hampshire primary. they've been doing this, this primary in new hampshire since bernie sanders was 5 years old, if you can imagine that. [ laughter ] bernie sanders and donald trump were the winners tonight. i don't know. i think people are confused. you realize i made those jokes because chris christie is fat and bernie sanders is old, right? [ laughter ] oh, okay, you -- i wasn't clear. anyway. bernie is very popular in new hampshire. hillary clinton todaspent the ole day quietly googling the words life expectancy for old man in snowy weather. [ laughterer ] there was quite a bit of snow in new hampshire. but the candidates, they didn't let that get them down. jeb bush and john kasich had fun. here's jeb throwing snowballs. here's kasich throwing snowballs. those snowballs they're throwing, those are the ones that don't have a chance in hell in this election. [ laughter ] jeb pulled out the big gun. he had his mother barbara out campaigning for him this week.
10:38 pm
ich really was funny to see. jeb sitting there being interviewed next to his mom, it looked like a parent-teacher conference. [ laughter ] and jeb's brother george is pitching in too. george bush narrated an ad that ran during the super bowl in new hashire and south carolina where he made a strong case for why we should all be on team jeb. >> america needs help. families, and our children still isn't learning. i know jeb. i know his good heart. it's inside his body. next to other things likhis stomach. which is where his snacks go. i know that. and i know thaexperience and judgment count in the oval office, which is the room where the president works at his desk. that's where my little brother would work if he were presidident. which don't bet on it but don't misundnderestima jeb either. he's got a cute little wife, and he's a good little guy. and he knows how to open doors
10:39 pm
[ laughter ] jeb bush. [ applause ] >> jimmy: nice. you know, bernie sanders may be the old man in this race, but from an energy standpoint he's wearing some of his supporters in new hampshire out. a guy passed out in front of him a rally in concord onon wednesday. and yesterday at a rally in derry a woman went down for the count. >> whatever the issue may be, what i will tell you is there is one issue out there -- >> jimmy: that was quite a reaction. almost krameresque. let's look at that again. >> one issue out there -- >> jimmy: like a mad scientist. at least we know he's cool in time of crisis. [ laughter ] let's watch that one more time but in slow motion and this time
10:40 pm
here he comes. [ laughter ] like scooby doo saw a ghost. [ applau ] meanwhil kanye west is not currently running for president but he should. at this point he might as well because, well, last night on twitter kanye announced that he's changing the title of his forthcoming album for the third time. first he announced it was called "so help me god." then he changed it to "switch." then he changed it from "swi to "waves." and nohe changed it again. kanye changes the name of his albums as often as diddy changes the na of his name. it's really crazy. [ laughter ] last night he tweeted this. he said that's the new album, anybody who can figure out the title gets ticket to season 3 and free yeezies, which are his shoes. and this is the mysterious acronym. at studio final versus new album title t period l period o period
10:41 pm
so the initials are t.l.o.p. and we have to figure out what that stands for and if we do we'll win. and think i have it figured out. can i get a drum roll here? [ drum roll ] yes, thank you. kanye's new album t.l.o.p. stands for tommy lasorda obvisly poops. [ cheers and applause ] the shoes can be sent to the show. size 11. by the way, kanye also tweeted this about an hour ago. bill cosby innocent. [ laughter ] which to me is a terrible name for an album. it is. valentine's day is on sunday. that means the price of roses is about to go way up. valentine's day is the only holiday where a plant suddenly becomes astronomically expensive and we're okay with it. it would be like if on easter they charged $20 an egg. [ laughter ] but we buy them anyway. the florida retail federation says this year consumers will spend an average of $147 on flowers, chocolate, jewelry and
10:42 pm
and that's in florida. so you can imagine how much they'll spend in normal states. probably quite a bit more. [ laughter ] this is interesting. somebody did a study about the sex lives of married people. they concluded that the happiest couples have sex an average of four times a month. which it seems a little bit low, right? so i thought it would be fun to ask some couples here wandering around on hollywood boulevard how, you know -- what their number is. well, let's go outside to my cousin sal now. now, sal and i -- my cousin sal. >> howow are youoing? >> jimmy: we have a friend who's beeeen married for i think more than ten years. he claims he and his wife have sex -- how often did he say, sal? >> dan sanborn? >> jimmy: yeah. >> he said four times a week. >> jimmy: four times a week which is 16 times a month, which i think you should go to prison for that, right? [ laughter ] >> i don't believe him. he's already got s six kids d he's balding worse than i am. >> jimmy: well, again, we shouldn't mention his name. you already did. anyway, let's bring in our first
10:43 pm
this couple has no idedea what i going to ask them. they've ju been asked to stop and answer a question. okay. where are they? okay. there we are. hi. what's your name? >> hi. karen pierce. >> a husband rob. >> jimmy: i'm sorry, whawas your name? >> rob pierce. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> owensboro, kentucky. >> jimmy: wow. aryoyou on vacion? >> yes. >> jimmy: have you been robbed yet? >> hopefully not. >> jimmy: hopefully not. okay. good. yes. how long have you been together? may i ask? >> we've been married 15 years. we dated -- we were high school sweeearts. soso dated fe years before that. >> jimmy: oh, wow. [ cheers and applause ] sick of each othther's bods, yes? i'm going to ask you a question. don'answer it t aloud. i want you to write the answer down. we're going to give you a paper. let's put you in position so you can't see each o other's awers.
10:44 pm
all right. the question is how many times per month on average do you have x? >> jim: all right? just go ahead and write it down. don't think about it too much. just -- okay. yeah. figure tou so karen's writing -- looks like three digits, karen is writing. [ laughter ] rob, what are you up to? karen, are you drawing a diagram of how you do it? what's going on there? [ laughter ] all right. we're going to start with h rob. rob, show us your number. rob says five. all right. and karen says -- 5-ish. [ cheers and applause ] all right. thank you. guys, cousin sal h a lovely gift for you. cousin sal, what do you have? >> yes. i have undies for two. so you can share them. >> jimmy: that's nice. you can wear those on the plane home. nice to meet you guys. let's bring in one more cole and see what's going on. now, this couple has not been listening in.
10:45 pm
you guys didn't hear -- oh, you don't have headphones on. so you literally can't hear me now. okay. be very careful. what's your name? >> theresa. >> jimmy: hi, theresa. >> fine, and you? >> jimmy: and is this your husband? >> it better be. david. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: david and theresa. now, did you guys intentionally wear the same shirt today or was at an accident? >> accidt. >> jimmy: an accident. wow. how about that? you wound up on tv. [ laughter ] how long have you been married? >> seven years. >> jimmy: seven years. and it's been good, i i assume? you're still vacationing together. >> yes. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> cincinnati. >> jimmy: cincinnati, ohio. hence the red, i guess. okay. i'm going to ask you a question. we're going to put you in a position whereou can't see each other's answersrs on eith side of that wall. don't answer it aloud. i'd just like you to write the answer down. be honest. and the question is how many times per month on average do you have sex? okay?
10:46 pm
theresa is writing her number. david is writing his. all right. theresa's now changing her number. [ laughter ] theresa, i meant with david, okay? so -- [ laughter ] hi, guys. oh, they're looking at your number with envy. all right. theresa, show us your number. your number is? five. what was the original thing? a drawing of the planet? [ laughter ] >> she had a zero originally. >> jimmy: oh, really? five. all right. and david, your number is? >> boy. >> jimmy: 12? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> it's okay. >> jimmy: i have very bad news. david is cheating on you. [ laughter ] wait a minute. one of you can't count is what's happening re. [ laughter ] that's quite a discrepancy. david, are you counting your alone time here or whahat? [ laughter ]
10:47 pm
>> jimmy: it might be. all right. well, we do have a gift for yoyou. >> condoms for you. here's a couple. >> jimmy: condoms, yes and? >> here's a basket of stuff. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. there you go. thanks for playing. we're going to take a break. when we come back, we have something very special. our old pal jake byrd popped up at a donald trump rally in new hampshire last night. if you're not familiar with jake byrd, he is the guy you will see behind donald trump in this clip. >> by the way, can you see in the back in they have the best view. can you see it's really my hair? >> yeah! yeah! real hai >> jimmy: all right. takes new hampshire by storm. so stick around. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] they say that in life, we shouldn't sweat the small stuff. but when you're building a mercedes-benz, there really is no small stuff.
10:48 pm
is an integral part of what makes the 2016 c-class one of our mossophisticated cars ever.r. because when you're setting a new benchmark for refinement, it is the small stuff... that makes the biggest impression. the 2016 c-class. lease the c300 for $399 a month
10:49 pm
ba da ba ba ba here's what we were thinking. what if we did for mortgages what the internet did for buying music and plane tickets and shoes? you would turn an intimidating process into an easy one. you could get a mortgage on your phone. and if it could be that easy, wouldn't more people buy homes? and wouldn't those buyers need to fill their homes with lamps and blenders and sectional couches with hand-lathed wooden n legs? and wouldn't that mean all sorts of wooden leg-making opportunities for wooden leg makers? and wouldn't those new leg makers own phones from which they could quickly and easily secure mortgages of their own, further stoking dedemand fornecessary household goods as our tidal wave of ownership floods the country with new homeowners, who now must own other things and isn't that the power of america itself now shrunk to fit the hands of a child, or, more helpfully,, a homeuying adult.
10:50 pm
announcement: this storm promises to be the biggest of the decade. with total accumulation of up to three feet. roads will be shut down indefinitely. and schools are closed. campbe's soups go great with a cold and a nice red.
10:51 pm
10:52 pm
>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. alicia vikander and muc from nothing but thieves is on the way. [ chchcheers andlause ] first the eyes of the nation were on new hampshire today because of the primary election. they had a caucus in iowa, a primary in new hampshire, and then they'll move on i guess to some of the states where people live next. it is a g deal for the candidates. even though the winner in new hampire doesn't necessarily go on to win the nomination. you know who won the new hampshire primary last time around? what's his name? from -- mike "the situation" from "jersey shore." [ laughter ] but l the candidates are there. their boots are on the ground. and so is our pal jake byrd, who's a very passionate donald jake spreads trumpthusiasm everywhere he goes. in september at the trump rally in dallas. >> trump! trump! trtrump! trump! >> don't forget. here. >> and we love you! we love you! we love you, donald j.! yes, yeah! cheers and applause ] jimmy: you can see they love
10:53 pm
it's a beautiful thing. yesterday jake braved the elements to file this special report from a donald trump rally on the eve of the primaries in manchester, new hampshire. >> i think trump is the person who will go to wasngton and actually get things done. he'll hire good people to be in good positions then hold them accountable for these positions. >> he's going to get us jobs. he's going to get america working again. i'm going to get hired back no matter how many times i assault a customer. they have to. dona trump says i do. >> and my -- >> i love your old-fashioned root beer. [ laughter ] >> i don't sell root beer. but that's fine. >> a country without borders isn't really a country, is it? >> this guy told me a great joke. he said hey, bernie, it's new hampshire, not jew hampspshire. [ laughter ]
10:54 pm
too much. >> it's like live free or die. it's live trump or die. >> we're so disorganized. we've done about 100 of these -- >> still don't know what you're doing. >> we know what we're doing. everybody needs to -- >> so you're a volunteer. you work at the campaign? yeah. >> and it's so disorganized. >>t's a house of cards. i don't nt to say that. >> no, that's fine. house of cards like the netflix show. are you going to throw someone on the train tracks like that guy? >> this is the number one campaign in the country. we're the [ bleep ] -- >> i just want to tell you. ifhe has the baby tonight in new hampshire, that guarantees victory tomorrow. please, ivanka, have the baby tonight. >> have the baby! have the baby! >> we're going to bring education n back locly. no more common core. >> i don't know what that is. [ laughter ]
10:55 pm
people dying on the streets. we're going to get them into a hospital and take care of them -- >> and die there. [ laughter ] in a hpital. in the hospital. >> and we're going to build ourselves so strong -- nobody. i'm telling you. nobody is gog to play with us. we don't want to use it. >> nobody can come over to play! no playmates, no play dates! just ask israel. walls work. i mean, serious walls. i mean trump walls. >> trump walls! the best walls! the best walls! dtf! donald trump forever! dtf! donald trump forever! dtf! donald trump forever! >> hot hell is going to pay for ththe wall? >> mexico! [ laughter ] >> some people -- she just said a terrible thing. you know what she said? shout it out because i don't want to --
10:56 pm
>> she said he's a [ bleep ]. that's terrible. terrible. >> whoa! [ laughter ] language! oh my gosh. saucy language! donald! >> that's terrible. >> wow. wow! >> if you're going to get hurt and if you're going to drive like a maniaiac, do itomorrow after you votete. and i promise i will come and visit you in the hospital. >> you promise? [ laughter ] you better! i'm going to wreck my car right now. [ laughter ] >> thank you very much, new hampshire. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> the biggest threat the country is facing? >> right now personally for me how i feel personally right now for me personally, the biggest threat i'm facing is finding a bus back to the hospital in the snow. u know? >> well, it's one -- i mean, one
10:57 pm
>> he stood up to cher, he'll stand up to isis! come on, let's stump for trump! it's a winter wonderland! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: unfortunate ending. but thank you, jake byrd, everybody. >> i'm still freezing! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm rry. we have music tonight from nothing but thieves. alicia vikander is here. we'll be right back with bill maher.
10:58 pm
10:59 pm
et the piadina the newest addition to olive garden's lunch duos menu paired with your choice of unlimited soupup or sala starting at just $6.99 think oft as a quesadilla that speaks fluent italian
11:00 pm
11:01 pm
11:02 pm
jimmy: hi there. welcome back. tonight, she is an oscar nominee for her role in the movie "the danish girl." she is nominated for best supporting actress, alicia vikander isere. [ cheers and applause ] then, all the way from essex, which is all the way in engld, this is their self-titled d album. it's called "nothing but thieves," from the samsung stage.
11:03 pm
tomorrow night we'll have a good show. sacha baron cohen will be here. zendaya will join us. and we'll have music from mana. join us then. it doesn't matter if you're republic or democrat, president or pope, if our first guest doesn't like what you're up to, he will make sure you know it. he's the host of "real time with bill maher," which youan watch friday nights on hbo and you can see him live at the mirage in las vegas marc12th and 13th. please welcome bill maher. [ chee and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for being here. i know this is an important night for you. >> it's an important night for you. >> jimmy: why? >> because you're on and i'm not. m not working tonight. i'm here. because you are my favorite talk show on the westst coast.
11:04 pm
>> jimmy: thank you. wait -- >> you're the only talk show on the west coast. >> jimmy: are you all right? >> why, what did you hear? jmy: you got surfing or something. right? >> who told you that? where do you hear these things? one of y your showusiness cronies. >> jimmy: your publicist told us. bill can't come. he got hit in the face with a surfboard. [ laughter ] is that not true? >> that's not true. i went to hawaii. go every year.r. itas great. this year i brought david spade and jeffoss. we had a fabulous time. eddie vedder performed with us. it was really fun. >> jimmy: nice. >> thank [ laughter ] >> jimmy: don't address them. >> i'm from new jersey. i bo surf. [ applause ] chris christie fans? [ laughter ] and you know, sometimes the wave face planted me. and yes, my face was too [ bleep ] up to appear. okay? happy you got that out of me? >> jimmy: yeah. >> i love we can say that now. remember when we started in show
11:05 pm
now they just bleep it out. laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. i mean, i don't kn what people were so hung up about. i think because now everybody's cucursing onvery other channel. >> trump. >> jimmy: you think it was >> no, i -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh. >> no, but he's running for president and he says [ bleep ] [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's crazy. >> it is crazy. >> jimmy: do you like that or do you dislikike it? >> i like that -- i mean, i always say donald trump and i are a little -- a little like the detective and the serial killer. you know. we're not so different, you and i. [ laughter ] i certainly don't agree with hardly anything he says politically, but i love the fact that he's politically incorrect. i used to have a show called "politically incorrect." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what happened to that show? >> well, i got thrown off the aiair for beg too politically incorrect. >> jimimmy: my g. >> and then theyey got thiother
11:06 pm
>> jimmy: fat guy, right? >> no, not a fat guy. just a guy who wouldn't piss people off. and yeah. but yeah, that's donald trump. he eats s third ras for breakfast. i have yet to find something this man can say that will turn his fa off. i mean, we all thought it was over when he said john mccain not a war hero. we thought, oh, , well, th's -- come on. no. but great, whatever. and then he went to megyn kelly, you're on your period. carly fiorina, you're an older woman, too ugly to run for president. hey, who wants to see my impression of a cerebral palsy guy? like what does this mean have to do? fart in jesus' face? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that would be something. >> he's like a movie monster. whatever they think is going to destroy him just makes him
11:07 pm
you know? >> jimmymy: you enrsed bernie sanders for president. [ cheers and applause ] and you feel good about that now? do you feel -- >> look, i like hillary a lot. but not as much as bernie. we've never had a leftist in my lifetime. a true leftist. he's putting things on the table no one ever put onon the tab before. that's why we don't know. now, is he probably going to win in the south? probably not. he's a socialist jew who's 100. [ laughter ] t you know what? people have never seen this product before. people didn't know they wanted an iphone until they put it in the window and everybody bought it. we've never had -- i call it the nenew deal. like fdr's new deal. he is saying we cod be more like a western european democracy wherere you paa little more taxes but look what you get. free college, free health care. go after the banks. this stuff has never been on the table. we'll see what happens.
11:08 pm
he's done so faro at least get the benefit of the doubt. [ cheers and applause ] and then, you know, and then if weo back to the old rules, fine. i've told myudience, my fans. i said look, i'm foror bernie d a lot of you are too. but hillary is still good. it's like when you're on a plane if you don't get your first choice, eat the chicken. [ laughter ] because if you don't get the democrat, then the nearest abortion clinic will be in london. >> jimmy: do you like any of the republican candidates? if you were forced to vote for one of them -- >> i'd kill myself. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but if you had to vote for one of them, is there anyone in your mind -- who do you think is the worst among them? >> ted cruz is always the worst. > jimmy: y do you say that? [ laughter ] >> because they laughed. that's why. [ laughter ] i said it because he is. because he's smart and evil. the other ones are true dummies.
11:09 pm
you know, he doesn't know what he's talng about. he just says the words. but ted cruz is diabolical. he's smart. what i really hate about him. and this is what a true cynic is. he's smart but he knows what to say to his dummy base that they will believe. so he always says things like -- here's my favorite. he said, you know, before 9/11 i was a fan classic rock. after 9/11 i found myself switching to country music. [ laughter ] because as we all know theorld trade center was attacked by three dog night. [ laughter ] what the hell does that mean? or the thing about new york values. remember that a couple of weeks ago? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, sure. >> like he doesn't have new york values. he clerked for the supreme court. he went to princeton and yale. anhe's like, do i even own
11:10 pm
i love when he plays the [ bleep ] kicker card like, oh, i did it again. >> jimmy: bill maher is here. his show is "real time." he's in vegas march 12th and 13th. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] so my kids don't have to forage, got two jobs to pay a mortgage, and i've also got a brain. life's short, talk is cheap. i'll be working while you sleep. still don't think i've got a b brain? you think a resume's enough?
11:11 pm
don't you want that kind of brain? a degree is a degree. you' gonna want someone like me. but only if you have a brain.. steppin' in a rhythm to a funky flow. who needs to think when your feet just go? [ music playing ] there's a party over here. there's a party right now, hey. i love it, i love it, i love it, i love it! shopping for an suv? well, this is the time. and your ford dealer is the place, to get 0% financing for 60 months on a ford suv. that's right. just announced. ford explorer...edge.....escape. and expedition... are available with 0% financing for 60 months. ford suvs. designed to help you be unstoppable. no wonder ford is america's best selling brand. but hurry, 0% financing for 60 months on ford suvs is a limited time offer. see your ford dealer today. if you have moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis like me,
11:12 pm
about a biologic... this is humira. this is humira helping to relieve my pain and protect my joints from further damage. this is humira helping me reach for more. doctors have been prescribing humira for more than ten years. humira works for many adults. it targets and helps to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to ra symptoms. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal inctions are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infefections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. talk to your doctor and visit
11:13 pm
action! sweetheart, don't look at me like that, it's gonna be amazing. this is a disaster! who's the genius who puts a girl in heels on a subway grate? miss monroe, e eat a sniers. why? you get a little cranky when you're hungry. better? much better. this scene will never make the cut, rons.
11:14 pm
bounce to the beat two times and we out. whatcha gonna do when you get outta here? i'm gonna have some fun! fun, natural fun! wooo! olay regenerist renews from within... plumping surface cells for a dramatic transformation without the need for fillers. your concert tee might show your age...your skin never will. olay regenerist. olay. ageless. and try regenerist micro-sculpting eyeswirl.
11:15 pm
11:16 pm
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're back with bill maher. [ cheers and applause ] bill maher will be appearing in las vegas at the mirage hotel. you know, i grew up in las vegas. you like playing vegas? >> i love vegas. you know, i first played there. it's going to make me sound old, but [ bleep ], i am. [ laughter ] in 1982. >> jimmy: wow. >> i was 26, and i opened for diana ross. and that w was -- ye. >> jimmy: was that at caesars palace? >> caesars palace. it's whai called the dead ball era in vegas. it's like afr the rat pack but before it got reinvented as something hip and cool.
11:17 pm
you know, and i was a young comedian. no one you knew who i was or wanted to see me. they wanted to see diana ross. now it's great. it's hip. hip people come out and see it. it's the only place in the world i can play on christmas week. everywhere else you don't play christmas if you're a personal appearance act. people are spending their money on christmas. vegas coulgive a [ bleep ] about christmas. ey don't want to know christmas exists because then people will feel guilty about losing the house money. >> jimmy: hey,y, by the y, happy birthday. i know you had a big birthday. [ cheers a and applae ] i know you had a big birthday party. do you say how old or do you ep it quiet? >> yes, i say how old. i shouted it out. 60. >> jimmy: 60 years old. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i lilike to ha a party when you don't worry about it. some people get bummed out by this stuff. >> first of all, you can't hide anymore. what am i going to say, i'm 48? [ laughter ] so i made it into an event on my show and i used it as a reason to get obama to appear on my
11:18 pm
point. i mean, apparently our invitation to him has been lost in the mail for seven years. he's done every show. he's done your show, right? >> jimmy: it's crazy. >> see what i mean? every show. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: first of all, how dare you? and secondly, you gave his super pac a million dollars. >> yes. and he treats me like i owe him money. [ laughter ] i didn't even mention that because that shouldn't be the reason why. >> jimmy: you'd think he'd know that already, though. >> so anyway. they have a thing at thehite house that if you get a petition that is signed by 100,000 people, th have to respond to it already. so we had a petition out there. our beautiful fans within 38 hours, we had the 100,000 signatures. and it just says do our show or tell me why. just tell me why. and i'm sure that there are people in the white house who say never do that show. bill maher, he's a comedian, atheist, pot smoker who never got married.
11:19 pm
really good with. [ applause ] >> jimmy: have you considered -- i know he's coming out here next week for fund-raisers. tell him you're having a fund-raiser at the address where you shoot the show and maybe he'll show up. [ cheers and applause ] >> that's what the president does, jimmy. he just shows up. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's what he did here. he just appeared like santa claus. it was a miracle. >> yeah. well, we'll see. we'll see what they say. >> jimmy: well, it's very good to see you. [ cheers and applause ] you know what? i told you this a million times, but when i was in college i saw you do stand-up and i think people forget that you're one of the great stand-up comics and if you nt to go see bill march 12th and 13th in las vegas at the mirage hotel -- >> las vegas! why didn't we talk about las vegas? >> jimmy: bill maher, everybybody. we'll be right back with alicia
11:20 pm
[ chcheers andpplause ] can a toothpaste do everything well? this clean was like pow! it added this other level of clean to it. it just kinda like...wiped everything clean. 6x cleaning my teeth are glowing. they are so white. 6x whitening i actually really like the 2 steps. step 1, cleans step 2, whitens. every time i use this together, it felt like... ...leaving the dentist office. crest hd. 6x cleaning, 6x whitening i would switch to crest hd over what i was using before. straight talk's bring your own phone plan saves me a lot of money. to prove i
11:21 pm
by popping a sim card into my phone. now it's a straight talk phone. and i get to keep my same numbmber annetwork for half theost. that's money we can put toward your college fund. oh, i'm not going to college. i want to be...a magician. invisibility, now! i can still see you... your phone, your network, half the cost. unlimited talk, text, and da isust $45 a month. find out more at who knew dates and cashews mashed together could taste likea cookie? you think they'd taste like dates and cashews. nope, cookie. weird. larabar. food made from food. so my kids don't have to forage, got twjobs to pay a mortgage, ani've also t a brain. life's short, talk is cheap. i'll be working while you sleep. still don't think ve got a brain? you think a resume's enough? who'll step up when things get tough?
11:22 pm
a degree is a degree. you're gonna want someone like me. but only if you have a brain. wassup? i'm hannibal i'm gonna use samsung pay to get a katz's deli pastrami sandwich. (katz's employees) hey!!! hey what's up? hey can i pay with my phone? you mean like apple pay? we don't got that. no like samsung pay. kind of works everywhere. even on this janky old thing. he wants to pay with his phone. whadda ya want hannibal? i want to pay with my phone.
11:23 pm
you ready? it doesn't work. watch me. boom! oh! samsung pay is here and pretty much everywhere else. (man) hmm. what do you think? (strange good mornin'! (store p.a.) attention shoppers, there's a lost couple in the men's department. (vo) there's a great big un-khaki wororld out tre. explore it in a subaru crosstrek. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. good morning sunset. good morning night. good morning neon, shining bright. good morning hunr. good morning moon. good morning morning.
11:24 pm
tt0w!t.*(=% ueh-%8$ tt0w!t.*(=% 7hh-9:p we're back. still to come, music from "nothing but thieves." ounext guest has had a productive few weeks. she won the critic's choice award, the s.a.g. award. on sunday she was named mvp of the super bowl. nominated for best supporting actress for her role in "the danish girl."
11:25 pm
vikander. [ cheers and applause ] i know i screwed up your name. i said it a million times to myself before. alicia vikander, right? >> yeah, t that was ght. >> jimmy: yeah, except i didn't say it like that before. >> that's all right. >> jimmy: at the oscars, like in john travolta has to introduce your category, god help him. it's going to be a disaster. [ laughter ] well, hopefully one of the good things about being nominated for -- one of the many good things is people hear your name over and over again and you have maybe a little less that. >> yeah. and then i'm going to give him the swedish version and then- >> jimmy: what is the swedish version of your name? >> alicia vikander. >> jimmy: yeah, forget that. [ laughter ] is the oscars a big thing in sweden? >> yeah. >> jimmy: it is?
11:26 pm
i remember when my mom -- i came finally to the age when she would allow to kind of set the alarm clock and go up at 2:2:00 a.m. d sit by the tv and then later on i even had like sleepovers with my friends and we kind of stayed up and were wearing pajamas and ate popcorn and watched the oscars and talked about all the dresses. >> jimmy: so your family must have been very, very excited when you got nominated. >> yeah, and the thing was they were actually out here for the golden globes. for the first time in l.a. and visiting me. d they came with me to set. i was filming in vegas. so we got the news when i was there. >> jimmy: wow. >> and it was great because it was like -- we were all in track suits, and it was 9:00 a.m. in morning and we could just pop e champagne and that was totally normal. >> jimmy: that's right. it's las vegas. you u can do tt anytime. but why were you all wearing track suits? [ laughter ] >> i'd just woken up. and it's ao on film shoots. people aren't just - i'm actually just wearing the
11:27 pm
i do have several options. so it's not like i don't wash them. but you go to work, you just change. so i even remember on some shoots you've been together with your colleagues for like three months and then you end up having like a night when at the wrap party it's the first time you actually -- people say, look at you! jeans and a t-shirt, you look so well! >> jimmy: yeah, that is a funny thing because when people come here on our show from "game of thrones" or "downton abbey" or something i'm always shocked to see them in normal human being clothes. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and with you it's kind of the opposite. >> yeah. it's a pretty dress. >> jimmy: will you bring your family to the oscars with you? >> i am. >> jimmy: you are. oh. you have to get them tickets or how does that work? >> yeah. i just -- i got them tickets the other -- >> jimmy: will they y embarras >> i hope so. >> jimmy: you hope so. you're okay with that? >> yeah. my dad has a bit of a crush on kate winslet. so i kind of prepped her. i was like, my dad's coming,
11:28 pm
and she was. she was like oh, my god, that's cute. kate! >> jimmy: wow. that's funny. but i guess your dad, your dad's probably my age now that i think about it. i was like, that's a little bit weird, your dad. but yeah, your dad -- it probably makes perfect sense that he would have a crush on kate winslet. >> i do have a crush on kate winslet. >> jimmy: do you know all the women who are nominated with you in your category? >> it was funny, i actually finally got to meet rooney mara, because we've been sitting at many of these events. and i mean, i've as an actress for a longime. we've been waving across the room. and finally when we did this we had the oscar luncheon. we were put next to each other for this class photo. >> jimmy: does anyone eat lunch at the luncheon? >> it's the first proper event where they actually eat. normally at the golden globes i was sitting there with a plate in front of me and everyone else but the food never came. isn't that weieird? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's called the
11:29 pm
>> yeah. [ laughter ] i was like is this everyear? this is not a miss, this is actually -- >> jimmy: yeah, it's a very tradaditional a. thing. you just eat the air. [ laughter ] >> yeah. and then you drink. and then it all goes -- >> jimmy: in sweden does everybody speak english? >> yeah. everyone speaks very good english in sweden. we learn it in school from about 9, 10. but it was not until i got here when you actually start to speak it, you know. >> jimmy: and you realize that there are different ways people all over the country speak. >> you mean accents? >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> yeah, we do have them -- we have them in sweden too. >> jimmy: you have them in sweden? >> yeah. >> jmy: isn't that funny? because really our knowledge of sweden and swedish accents comes from a muppet who cooks. [ laughter ] >> yode, yode, yode. >> jimmy: so you know him. >> but to me he sounds more norwegian. >> jimmy: oh, he does? laughter ] wow, so that's not accurate, wow, how about that.
11:30 pm
yeah, wow, more norwegian. that's a r real shocr. that's a scandal to hit sesame street. [ laughter ] so are you excited about the oscars? i think you have a good chance of winning. do you gamble on yourself? you know you can. you're working in las vegas. >> i did go and -- i learned how to play the craps. the crcraps? [ laughter ] how did you do? you were making that movie with that stupid matt damon, weren't you, in las vegas? >> yeah. i'm so happy that you actually see him -- you're telling his true colors. i know everyone tells everyone that he's the sweetest dude. >> jimmy: but he's not. he's a nightmare. >> yeah. >> jimmy: thanks. finally someone confirms this for me. [ cheers and applause ] >> we still have one week to go. >> jimmy: numberer one, weearned thathe swedish chef is a fraud. and number two, we learned -- well, something i knew for a long time. matt damon is evil incarnate. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, thank you. congratulations.
11:31 pm
awards, the oscars, which are on sunday, february 28th, 7:00 eastern, 4:00 pacific. and of course your movie, which was great. "the danish girl" comes out on dvd and blu-ray march 1st. we'll be right back with nothing but ththieves. [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: the "jimmy kimmel
11:32 pm
11:33 pm
presented by samsung. >> announcer: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: thanks to bill maher, alicia vikander and apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time. "nightline" is next. but firswith their self-f-titled album here with the song "trip switch" nothing but thieves! [ cheers and applause ] sharing secrets with another world rubbing shoulders with
11:34 pm
making waves through the universe starting wars with anonymous brothers trip switch trip switch make a wish and i'll count to three press the button and we'll both be happy sending signals is a dirty trick i get my love in a digital packet trip trip switch switch trip trip switch switch what we do when the power's out what do we do when the lights go down what we do when the power's out what do we do when the lights go down down down down down down when the lights go down down down down down down the lights go gimme data 'cos i need a a hit how i love stratospheric numbers information i've been craving it gimme yours then and gimme all
11:35 pm
switch what we do when the power's out what do we do when the lights go down what we do when the power's out what do we do when the lights go down down down down down down when the lights go down down down down down down when the lights go ooh they put out the lights put out t lights put out the lights they put out the lights what do we do when the lights what do we do when the lights go down what we do when the power's out
11:36 pm
go down down down down down down down down down down down what we do when the power's out what do we do when the lights go down what we do when the power's out what do we do when the lights gogo down do down down down down down down down down down down when the lights go down this is "nightline." tonight, the pta president framed by fellow parents. how one misunderstanding escalated into a nightmare lasting more than five years. >> they're not mine! >> tonight the california mom
11:37 pm
the demand for illegal drugs here in the u.s. is fuelinghe drug war in mexico. >> this is a war that we're responsible for. >> the oscar-nominated documentary "carte land" showing a harrowing look at the vigilante groups taking on meth nufacturers there. but first the "nightline 5." >> the nissan ring with the power and performance of our intuitive all-wheel drive. now get a $189 per month lease on a 2016 nissan rogue.


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on