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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  September 6, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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tonight on an all new "jimmy kimmel live" -- guillermo is a security guard who has had enough. >> guillermo: jimmy pays me crap. and he made me work four days a week! i'm through. i'm done. >> but while guillermo claims he's a victim, he's also hiding a shocking secret. >> so guillermo, are you telling me you've been drinking on the job every day for the last 15 years? >> guillermo: a little bit. >> are you [ bleep ] kidding me? >> coming up next on "jimmy kimmel live." >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, dr. phil mcgraw, mike tyson, and comedian martin urbano. and now sit back. here's jimmy kimmel!
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: okay. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. [ cheers and applause ] i'm glad you're fired up. we have -- i will say -- i don't say this often. we have a really fun combination of guests tonight. mike tyson and dr. phil are here. and guess what? after months of speculation i'm proud to announce that tonight on this very stage they are going to fight each other. that's right. [ cheers and applause ] that would be something. hey, this is kind of interesting. do you know why they call him iron mike? you will never find a single wrinkle on his dockers. they're perfectly pleated at all times. [ laughter ] i don't know how many of you follow baseball. we have a new boston sports
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cheating scandal. just as the patriots put deflategate behind them, the boston red sox are being accused of stealing signs from the yankees using the apple watch. for real. the yankees made a complaint and major league baseball is investigating. red sox batters have had unusual success with a man on second against the yankees. and the general manager of the yankees, brian cashman, believes this is the reason why. you know, in baseball you're not allowed to use cameras or binoculars or any kind of a device to get an advantage over the other team. so using a watch, not only is it cheating, it's dumb. i mean, have you ever seen a baseball player wearing a watch? [ laughter ] guy in the outfield checking the time. [ laughter ] it's suspicious. but it's very clever the way they did it. in fact, i'd like you to follow along. i'm going to demonstrate how the red sox allegedly used the apple watch to steal signals from the yankees. so guillermo, you will be the pitcher. you've got your glove there. i will be the batter. dicky, you're going to be the catcher, okay? so you come out here. i'll stand right here.
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so you can see, i'm wearing an apple watch right now. so the red sox video replay operators would like decode the catcher's signs. they'd watch. the catcher tells the pitcher what pitches to throw using hand signals. they would relay that information to a trainer in the dugout via the apple watch. and then it would go like this. ♪ hey, siri, will the next pitch be a slider? >> i found three sports bars serving sliders near your location. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. hey, siri. i'm not going to a sports bar. i'm batting. i'm in the batter's box. >> i found bisquik light and fluffy pancake batter on amazon for $2.49. would you like to make a purchase? >> jimmy: no. no. siri, just tell me what the next pitch is. i'm trying to get a hit. s >> i found three medical marijuana dispensaries in your
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area. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: just forget it. [ applause ] thank you. by the way, dicky, i -- [ applause ] i do want to say you look very stupid in that hat like that. [ laughter ] hey, you know, there's another massive hurricane on the way toward the united states. hurricane irma. they're evacuating a lot of south florida right now. it's a category 5 hurricane. it's the most powerful there is. and the president let us know today that he is following it closely from the white house. >> we have a lot to discuss, ining right toward florida and puerto rico and other places. we'll see what happens. we'll know in a very short period of time. but it looks like it could be something that will be not good. believe me. not good.
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>> jimmy: believe him. i don't know, are hurricanes ever good? [ laughter ] i need to plant these seeds. oh, my goodness, there they go. [ laughter ] this hurricane is of personal interest to donald trump because his mansion in st. martin is in irma's path and in florida what he calls his winter white house, mar-a-lago, is in palm beach, which is right there on the east coast. there are actually three hurricanes out in the ocean right now. irma, katya, and jose. and you know jose is heading right for a trump hotel. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i mean, that's -- beeline. and jose is not going to pay for it either. [ laughter ] hopefully, jose and irma and katya will fizzle out quickly. in the meantime, trump is on the road. today he's in north dakota talking tax cuts where we slowed him down for a new ivanka edition of drunk donald trump. ♪ [ slowed down ]
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>> come on. should i bring ivanka up? come on. she's so good. she wanted to make the trip. she said, "dad, can i go? daddy, can i go with you?" i like that. right? daddy, can i go with you? i said yes, you can. [ laughter ] where are you going? north dakota. i said you'll like north dakota. hi, honey. [ applause ] >> jimmy: who can blame him for drinking? we have so many problems right now. there are so many problems you almost forget about north korea and their nuclear threats. this is interesting. dennis rodman, who weirdly might be the only person in the world who knows both donald trump and kim jong un, was on "good morning britain" today. they have one too i guess. where he told piers morgan what he and kim jong un do together. >> for me to go over there and see him as much as i have, i
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basically hang out with him all the time. we laugh. we sing karaoke. we do a lot of cool things together. and we ride horses. we hang out. we go skiing. and we hardly ever talk politics. that's the good thing about that. >> jimmy: dennis, are you wearing a ball gown right now? because that is some list of activities. there's skiing. what did he say? they're riding horses. it's like a cialis commercial. [ laughter ] it's like "the bachelor." i would love to know what kim jong un's karaoke song is. you know? i hope it's gloria estefan. i hope it's "the rhythm is gonna get you." [ laughter ] that would be great. in the interest of equal time the worm, dennis, also shared his fondness for the donald too, to whom he is apparently very grateful. >> i tell you what. you know as well as i do, donald can be a little crazy sometimes. you know donald trump's attitude is he loves to be cocky, he loves to be the boss, he loves to be the man. which i love donald trump.
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and i thank donald trump for the opportunity to be on his show, opportunity to be his friend and the opportunity to be american. >> jimmy: it's true. the only reason dennis rodman is an american is because donald trump smuggled him in from kooksylvania like 20 years ago. [ laughter ] on "gma" this morning we unveiled the new cast of "dancing with the stars." this is season 255 of "dancing with the stars." the cast this time around includes debbie gibson, nick lachey, and frankie muniz. and i tell you something, i have always dreamed of a competition between "malcolm in the middle" and the guy from 98 degrees and once again my dreams have come true. nick will be dancing with peta murgatroyd and his wife, vanessa lachey-l dance with peta's husband, maks. basically, abc is about to art first primetime key party. and drew scott of the "property brothers" will be -- you know this show? they got drew, they did not get the other brother. they only got one property brother. which is like booking milli but
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not vanilli. that'll be fun, i guess. meanwhile, here in l.a. the state senate passed a plan to name a stretch of the 134 freeway president barack h. obama highway. which is nice. but is the middle initial necessary? i think president barack obama makes it pretty clear who the highway is named after. [ laughter ] i don't think we need the h. by the way, naming an l.a. freeway after someone is not an honor. it's basically like having a disease named after you. [ laughter ] meanwhile, hillary clinton has -- [ cheers and applause ] you remember her? hillary clinton has her name on a new book about her ill-fated run for the presidency, which i am excited about. i was just thinking to myself this morning, i would love to relive that magical election of 2016. [ laughter ] it's like reading a book about why the "titanic" sank while you're sitting at the bottom of the ocean. [ laughter ] cnn got a copy, and they released some excerpts. and in it clinton referred to james comey as a rash fbi
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director. so she and trump have that in common. although in fairness to comey he only got that rash after being forced to shake hands with her husband. [ laughter ] [ applause ] this was a good tidbit. according to one excerpt from the book, bill loves to reorganize their bookshelves at home. he does it all the time. which means you know he's got some old penthouse magazines hidden back there. [ laughter ] the big takeaway from this book is the aim mrs. clinton takes at bernie sanders. she blames him and his supporters for irreparably damaging her campaign. she says he isn't even a democrat and wonders why he would run for the democratic nomination, which is a very good question that should have been asked two years ago. but i guess it didn't come up until now. the book doesn't come out until next week. we got the trailer, though. they do trailers for books now. and it looks like it should be a good one. >> for the first time since her astonishing presidential defeat, hillary rodham clinton tells her story in her own words.
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a remarkably candid perspective. a brutally honest look back at where it all went wrong. why despite overwhelming odds everything collapsed. hillary clinton, "it's that [ bleep ] bernie's fault." [ applause ] >> jimmy: at least he's taking responsibility. meanwhile, bernie sanders and his fellow senators are back to work. congress came off a five-week recess yesterday. they had lunch, they played kickball. it was a good recess. americans complain a lot about congress but i wonder do we really know what we're complaining about? do we even know who we are complaining about? so today we came one a game to find out. we went out on the street, we said name a member of congress and we'll give you a cookie. and here's how that went. ♪ >> name a member of congress and i'll give you a cookie. >> reince priebus.
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[ buzzer ] >> name a member of congress and i'll give you a cookie. >> sean spicer. [ buzzer ] >> name a member of congress and i'll give you that cookie. >> barbara something. barbara walters. [ buzzer ] >> name a member of congress and i'll give a cookie. >> trump. i don't know. [ buzzer ] >> how about this? name a vin diesel movie i'll give a half a cookie. >> "fast and the furious." >> classic. >> name a member of congress i'll give you a cookie. >> john gilbert. [ buzzer ] >> name one of the rice krispies guys and i'll give you half a cookie. >> rice krispies guys. snap. >> name a member of congress? hmm. why are you going to ask me a question like that? >> how about this?
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name an adult website and i'll give you half a cookie. >> redtube. >> name a member of congress and i'll give you a cookie. >> oh, goodness. >> how about this? name a branch of government and i'll give you half a cookie. >> u.s. army. [ buzzer ] >> okay, name the vice president i'll give you a quarter cookie. >> oh, i don't even know. i didn't even vote for him. >> let me see that booby tattoo and i'll give you a piece of a cookie. yeah. long live the king. [ applause ] >> jimmy: stay in school, kids. tonight on our show mike tyson is here, comedian martin urbano is with us, and we'll be right back with dr. phil mcgraw. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live" brought to you by american express. you can't just pinch it, swipe it, or scroll it. sure, you've seen the mediterranean. but have you? how warm is brazil in february? what color is dusk in san francisco? there's a whole world out there and no other card lets you experience it like the platinum card. ♪ ♪ backed by the service and security of american express.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello. welcome back. a world famous fighter and a world famous writer too. his new one-man show is called "undisputed truth round 2." iron ambition, life with kuss d'amato. iron mike tyson is here tonight. and later a very funny man who you can see live on september 29th at the bell house in brooklyn, new york. martin urbano is wugs. tomorrow night on the show from "broad city" abbi jacobson and ilana glazer will be here. music from khalid. on friday christian slater, richard lewis and jack johnson too. so please join us for all of
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that entertainment. you know it is a special time of year right now. time for my annual checkup from my personal physician. he's the most watched syndicated host in the united states. because i'll tell you what, because he gives june bugs about us. season 16 of dr. phil premieres tuesday. please welcome dr. phil mcgraw. [ cheers and applause ] how are you? >> good. >> jimmy: and i want to say congratulations on your 16th season. this is -- you are a multi, multimillionaire. you own islands with your name on them. you have a private jet. yes? >> how do you know all of this? >> jimmy: i just know. i know the kind of lifestyle you must lead being part of oprah's circle. really like -- i mean, you could probably have your own planet at some point. at what point do you say
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good-bye toothless uncles who are hitting on their nieces, dr. phil is going to retire and that's that, dr. phil is going to his island? >> why do i do this [ bleep ]? [ laughter ] i put up with this every year. >> jimmy: but it's a good question, isn't it? >> you're one year behind me, right? this is 15 for you. >> jimmy: this will be -- yeah, starting january will be our 15th year. >> you'll never catch me. >> jimmy: of course i will. [ applause ] of course i won't catch you. you always have some big plan to kind of jumpstart the season. what is the big thing you have planned for this season? >> well, this season we're launching with a really interesting interview with sinead o'connor. >> jimmy: how in the world did you get hooked one sinead o'connor? >> well, she actually called me. >> jimmy: she did? >> yeah. >> jimmy: it got that bad?
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[ laughter ] >> it really does say i ran out of options and i don't know why people don't call me first. and say dr. phil, this is my last hope. i don't know why everybody doesn't call me first before things get off in a ditch. >> jimmy: maybe you could help them sooner. >> you've seen her videos she's posted on facebook and all from motel rooms in new jersey. she's really had a difficult time. and she said look, i'm in trouble, i need help, and she called, and she said i want to destigmatize mental illness. she said i clearly have a problem. and she said too many musicians are dying and i want to use my life, be a teaching tool. i'm willing to sit down and talk. and so we did. and it is -- >> jimmy: were you surprised when you got that phone call from her? >> i was pleased because i'm a great fan of hers. >> jimmy: she's great. she is very talented. >> and she has not lost her voice, by the way, because she sings during this interview. >> jimmy: wow. so in the middle of talking about her mental illness she stands up and sings "nothing
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compares 2 you"? [ laughter ] >> she didn't just stand up and sing it. i asked her if -- >> jimmy: you -- wow. and how was your summer other than this weird pairing of you and sinead o'connor? >> why is that weird? >> jimmy: i don't know. it's just like -- it's almost like hey, i'm bald, you're bald, let's get together. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: you know? it's weird. >> well, she's doing mental illness, and i'm not a plumber. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. it's just -- it seems odd -- >> i had a good summer. it started off a little rough. but it smoothed out. >> jimmy: what happened? why did it start off rough? >> so i was -- with some of my buddies, i have a lost buddies that are stuntmen in hollywood. >> jimmy: you do? >> yeah. we hang out and try to outdo each other. and i think they get together before i can get there and say let's see if we can get him to do this. anyway, we were at my house, and
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i was doing a wheelie up the driveway on a motocross bike, and i got to the top of the driveway and from the time i left to the time i got back somebody apparently put a 50-foot palm tree right at the top of the driveway because when i came down it was there. >> jimmy: you ran into a palm tree doing a wheelie. and nobody videotaped this? [ laughter ] >> i came down and the palm tree was there, and i had to bail. and i did bail. and i'm no minnow. >> jimmy: yeah, you're a big guy. >> and when i hit the ground things went back. >> jimmy: what happened to you? >> well, i broke six ribs. >> jimmy: oh. >> i crushed this shoulder. i had a lung contusion. and it was some serious stuff. >> jimmy: did it ever occur to you that you shouldn't be dirt-biking anymore? >> that's what i said. you know, when i was 20 you could take a bullet in the shoulder and, you know, by morning you'd kind of shake it off and you're fine.
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now i get a hangnail and it's a month before you're any better. [ laughter ] so i knew i was in trouble. so i called this friend of mine who runs a medical imaging center in santa monica, dr. j abor. "star wars" place over there. it's saturday night, and i called him and i said what are you doing? he said i'm in a tuxedo, i'm hosting a big dinner, i'm getting ready to leave. i said could you stop by the office on the way and check me out? and he did. i got there, his whole staff was there. i'm there three minutes, he says we're stopping these tests, you are -- you have six broken ribs. i didn't know. if you have three broken ribs, they diagnose you as respiratory failure. he said you're going in the hospital. >> jimmy: he did? >> yeah. >> jimmy: are you okay now? >> compared to then, yeah. [ laughter ] no, i've really -- i've healed up great. they couldn't operate on the shoulder then because my lung was bleeding. so i went back and finished the season and did --
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>> jimmy: you did? >> yeah. i went back and did 25 shows. and then after the last show i went right from the stage to the hospital and they operated on the shoulder. >> jimmy: i didn't realize what a hero you are. >> opening the stage doors -- oh, listen, hero my ass. >> jimmy: no, i was kidding. i wasn't meaning that really. [ laughter ] >> no, i know. i wasn't going to let you have that cheap shot. because let me tell you -- >> jimmy: but you made it worse in a way. >> these red lights on the camera, soon as that red light off i was whining like a 10-year-old girl in a haunted house. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> oh, my god. >> jimmy: i have a show idea for you. it's called "why won't my 67-year-old grandfather stop dirt-biking in the driveway?" we're going to take a break. when we come back, we have some shows to go over. some new subjects i'd like to explore with you. dr. phil is here. his new season starts tuesday. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] to sit idly by,
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>> jimmy: hey, we're back. dr. phil is here. the season premiere of "dr. phil" begins tuesday. the new season, season 16. here's some of the topics. my beautiful daughters accuse me of being a controlling, manipulative father who ruined their lives. >> yeah. >> jimmy: our know-it-all high school dropout daughter wants to be a youtube star.
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>> yeah. >> jimmy: three duis and multiple arrests, our sweet little granny has become a pill-popping vodka-drinking menace to society. [ laughter ] >> okay. now, i didn't write that title. but that show is all about the opioid epidemic in america. because this is a suburban grandmother who started out just a little here, a little there. before you know, it she's on opioids. >> jimmy: is she a menace to society? >> oh, absolutely. because -- >> jimmy: what is she doing? >> well, she's driving around the neighborhoods taking kids to drop them off in carpool and all this stuff. she's got a prescription for this. so she thinks it's okay. >> jimmy: so she gets drugged up, she puts the kids in the car, and then she drops them off at the carpool. >> right. and you talk to her about it, she says i've got a prescription. people are dying right and left with these opioids. they say i've got a prescription. >> jimmy: isn't there a bigger problem, the parents who are letting her drive on monday, wednesday, and whatever? their kids?
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>> often they're big enablers behind these people. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: so what are you able to do? are you able to make an impact? >> no. we just [ bleep ] -- what do you mean do i make an impact? of course. [ laughter ] we're changing people's lives every day. they bring them there because i'm expendable. they don't have to like me. they just have to hear me. >> jimmy: what percentage of them do you think listen to you and change their lives for the better after you've spoken to them? a actually. >> jimmy: is it more than four? >> yes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it is. >> because we follow up. we do follow-ups good or bad. >> jimmy: you do. do you ever pop in and follow up? you yourself? >> yes. >> jimmy: but like off camera do you ever do it? >> sure. >> jimmy: you do? >> yes. >> jimmy: so dr. phil might come pop in with his wheelies and banging on the door with his stuntman friends? >> we just passed $31 million in after care for our guests. >> jimmy: you mean taking it or giving it? >> giving it.
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>> jimmy: $31 million. wow. [ applause ] wait till sinead o'connor hears that. she's going to want at least 10 million. >> it may go to 32. >> jimmy: you're excited about this season. >> i am. i'm very excited about it. [ laughter ] i was till i got here. >> jimmy: yeah, right. as a mental health professional probably america's most famous mental health professional, what is your diagnosis of donald trump, the president of the united states? [ laughter ] >> what do you mean maybe the most -- who would be second? >> jimmy: definitely the most famous -- oh, i see. i've just diagnosed you as a narcissist is really what's happening. [ laughter ] >> i was just wondering who's second. there isn't another show. >> jimmy: who would be second? dr. drew probably. i guess. i don't know. who knows? what is your diagnosis of donald trump? >> well, i've known trump for a
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long time. >> jimmy: right. >> and i think people can make up their own minds about whether he's diagnosable or not. but i would say we can probably all agree that he lacks diplomacy. >> jimmy: has he offered you a position in his cabinet of any kind? >> no. >> jimmy: he has not. he's not reached out and said you could be surgeon general? [ laughter ] >> no. >> jimmy: because i saw they gave it to another guy. >> yeah, they gave it another guy. >> jimmy: nothing like that, huh? >> wouldn't you agree he lacks diplomacy? >> jimmy: yeah, i would agree. >> would you agree he has an impulse control problem? >> jimmy: yes, i absolutely would agree with that. >> would you agree he thinks people see things from only his point of view? wrpt wel >> jimmy: well, i think he would like it that way, sure. >> and i think if you go look up certain personality disorders you might see some of those things appear. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i also -- [ applause ] i also feel like in a way --
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i -- >> i can't diagnose him because you know, i haven't done proper evaluations. >> jimmy: right. >> it would be irresponsible. >> jimmy: that would be a hell of a 17th season, though, wouldn't it? [ laughter ] >> that would be improper to diagnose him without going through the steps. but i think there would be some things on the short list. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, it's very good to see you. dr. phil, he's got a new season. he's got sinead o'connor. the season premiere of "dr. phil" tuesday in syndication. we'll be right back with mike tyson. ♪ endless shrimp is back at red lobster and we went all out to bring you even more incredible shrimp and new flavors like new nashville hot shrimp drizzled with sweet amber honey, and new grilled mediterranean shrimp finished with a savory blend of green onions, tomatoes, and herbs. feeling hungry yet? good, cuz there's plenty more where these came from.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest was heavyweight champion of the world. back in the time when boxers fought other boxers. his newly updated one-man show, "undisputed truth round 2" opens tomorrow at the mgm grand in las vegas. please welcome iron mike tyson. [ cheers and applause ]
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how are you? thanks for coming. i saw you in the crowd at the mayweather-mcgregor fight. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you were sitting behind lebron james. >> yeah. that was very difficult to watch the fight. so i had to look at -- [ laughter ] i had to look at the televisions in the ceiling. so i had to look on the ceiling. >> jimmy: yeah, technically it's an obstructed view seat that you were given. it's really kind of upsetting in a way. >> hey, what can i do? >> jimmy: did you talk to lebron? did you talk to these guys there? >> yeah, we talked. >> jimmy: did you have fun at the fight? >> i had a ball. >> jimmy: did you think it was a good fight? >> i thought it was a great fight. >> jimmy: it was a fun fight to watch, right? >> yeah.
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we've all done that. we've all done it. >> sure. >> by the way, i was looking at a video of you playing tennis with your daughter. how old is she? >> she's 8. >> she's a good tennis player. >> yeah, she's really good. >> jimmy: she like wants to be a
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professional. >> yeah, she's training to be a professional. >> jimmy: do you go to her matches? >> all her matches i go to. >> jimmy: do you work out with her? >> well, i don't work out with her, but i coach her. i'm down with her. >> jimmy: when you coach her. obviously you're not an expert at tennis. i saw the video. you're not an expert at tennis. [ laughter ] >> no. >> jimmy: you were hitting the ball so hard it was crazy. [ laughter ] but anyway, when you coach her do you draw on things as a competitor, things kuss d'amato, your legendsry coach taught you? >> no, this is the fun stage. she's very competitive now. you can't take it too personal and stuff. it will destroy you. so i just want her to have fun. >> jimmy: does she take it personally or does she have fun? >> she takes it personally. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's how it goes. if you're good at something you take it seriously. and he used to, kuss, when you were training with him, he'd give you rewards if you won a
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fight when you were a kid like ice cream. did he buy you gold teeth once? >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you do that with your daughter? >> she doesn't want money. the only thing she wants to do is run plus fun. >> jimmy: ruyeah. it's a big trampoline face where you hop all over the place. >> jimmy: oh, it's like a center? >> yeah. >> jim jump. >> jimmy: and you take her there? do you get on the trampoline? >> absolutely. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, really? >> absolutely. >> jimmy: are people shocked when they see you on a trampoline? >> the cameras come out. >> jimmy: well, that makes sense. if you're going to film anything. >> hey, look at mike tyson. he looks really dorky right now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you never look dorky. it doesn't matter. you could be on a trampoline. there's no situation in which you look dorky. trust me on that one. >> this is a good one. >> jimmy: well, i'd like to see it. we're going to take a break.
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we'll come back and talk about your one-man show in vegas. >> yes, let's do it. >> jimmy: and this is the book. it's called "iron ambition." mike tyson is here. we'll be right back. [ "livin' thing" by electric light orchestra ] ♪ sailin' away on the crest of a wave, it's like magic ♪ ♪ rollin' and ridin' and slippin' and slidin' ♪ ♪ it's magic introducing the all new volkswagen tiguan. ♪ higher and higher, baby the new king of the concrete jungle. no splashing! wait so you got rid of verizon, just like that? uh-huh.
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all life is a struggle. there are challenges. you will need a clear head and a strong body. so stay off drugs. >> that's right. say no to crack. so you can live. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's very good advice. that was you, you know. [ laughter ] >> i didn't follow my advice. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: this show that opens tomorrow night at the mgm in vegas, it's called "undisputed truth 2." your first tour was very
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popular. you told these great stories from your life. this one are they all new stories? >> they're all new stories. they're during the part when i'm about to retire and some parts after i retire. and it's some really bizarre stories. it's going to be a little raunchy too. >> jimmy: can you give us one sample, one of the stories that you tell in this show? >> okay. for instance, right? i go do an interview. this is a sportswriter. so i have my people call me up say you've got a reporter, meet him at the gym in phoenix. so i meet him at the gym. i'm talking to the guy. the guy's a really small guy but really nice guy. i'm talking to him. and so two days go by, three days go by, i'm in the gym and the gym is surrounded with cops. like s.w.a.t. they're surrounded. and the cop sergeant wanted to talk to me. i said what the hell did i do? whose ass did i grab last night? [ laughter ] i didn't know what happened. but then i said to myself, i'm
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thinking, hey, if i grabbed somebody's ass it wouldn't be the feds coming to get me. it would be some rinky-dink cop or some lawyer, you know? >> jimmy: right. the ass police. [ laughter ] >> so i came outside. and i'm talking to the guy. and then he showed me the picture of me and the guy because it was on his website. and he said, you know this gentleman? and i said, well, sir, i don't know. when i was promoting the fight i must have said something to him. if i offended him, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to do that. and he said no, he liked you, mr. tyson. he didn't like the 28 people that he shot and the eight that he killed. >> jimmy: you got interviewed by a murderer? >> yeah. he was the baseline shooter from arizona. dale houser. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> yeah. he killed him in prison. >> jimmy: so it has a happy ending. [ laughter ] >> it can be on certain occasions. this is nuts. >> jimmy: well, i can't get enough of these stories. and if you want to see him live for yourself, "undisputed truth
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round 2." tomorrow night in vegas. and "iron ambition: my life with kuss d'amato. mike tyson. we'll be right back with martin urbano. [ cheers and applause ] ah, dinner. throughout history, the one meal when we come together, break bread, share our day and connect as a family. [ bloop, clicking ] and connect, as a family. just, uh one second voice guy. [ bloop ] huh? hey? i paused it. bam, family time. so how is everyone?
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>> jimmy: our next guest is the host of wonderfest in new york city. he's a very funny guy. please welcome martin urbano! [ cheers and applause ] >> when i say the, you say boor. kill the -- thank you, guys so much. before i go any further there was the option to watch my set tonight in 3-d but only one person took me up on that offer. so only one person gets the added viewing experience. don't put them on just yet. i'll let you know when there's a 3-d joke that will pop right out at you. [ laughter ] anyway, folks, my name is martin urbano but you can call me by my street name, martin avenue. [ laughter ] let me just say a little bit -- i had a bit of a weird day today. i was scared that i got my girlfriend pregnant. yeah. but we talked it out. good news. she's my ex-girlfriend.
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[ laughter ] thank you guys. thank you. more about me. i'm mexican. stay with me. i'm mexican. i come from a traditional mexican family. my dad is a migrant worker and my mom is a virgin mary candle. [ laughter ] my parents both live in america now but they still go all out to celebrate every mexican holiday. you know? day of the dead, sinko de mayo. payday. just all of the -- [ laughter ] i'm actually indian. [ laughter ] i just had those mexican jokes i wanted to say. my mom was born in india. sorry, didn't mean to offend. she was born in native america. [ laughter ] no, i'm just white.
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i'm italian. [ laughter ] don't i look like i could be something? [ laughter ] i feel like some of you are having trouble believing me now. i am italian. i can prove it to you. i do speak a little italian. i'm-a mexican. [ laughter ] no, really, guys, i'm mexican. no more questions. more about me. i'm not gay. but i would have sex with a man for a million dollars. right? but i'm not going to pay more than that. [ laughter ] anyway, guys, so i brought these mad libz because you know, i figure as a group we can come up with like a fun silly bit together. you feel like you're more part of the show. i feel like i had to write less material. i'm going to go ahead and get some suggestions from the crowd. now, fellas, try not to be too dirty. there are ladies present. how many ladies are here? by a show of titties.
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[ laughter ] all right. so i'm going to go ahead and get some suggestions. can i get a plural known? just somebody over here shout out a plural noun. cars. love it. can i get an adjective from over here? an adjective. purple? love it. and can i get a location you might find kids? somebody over here again. disneyland. all right. let's see what we came up with here, gang. [ laughter ] ladies, gentlemen, and cars, in accordance with section 2250 of title 18 united states code i am legally obligated to tell you that i, martin urbano, am a registered sex offender. [ laughter ] if you have any questions regarding my case or sentencing
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please contact my purple parole officer. [ laughter ] anyway. disneyland, you said? [ laughter ] [ applause ] thank you. before i get out of here now's the part of my set where if you have 3-d glasses go ahead and put them on. [ laughter ] thank you guys so much! [ applause ] >> jimmy: martin urbano, everybody! i want to thank all my guests. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time. "nightline" is next. thank you for watching. buenas noches. ♪
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this is "nightline." >> tonight, the unwanted. fleeing for their lives under cover of darkness, crossing borders by land and by water. bob woodruff on the border of myanmar with the rohingya, a persecuted muslim minority so unwelcome their government denies they exist. restricted to camps within their own country. now charges of torture, execution, and rape by the military. >> they put a rope around their neck like this? >> could this nobel peace prize recipient be doing more to save these oppressed people? plus missing mom. a mysterious disappearance in the houston area. a mother of two last seen the day before the hurricane


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